Original subtitles

To follow your dreams, sometimes I still talk to her, but when I talk to her, it

always seems like she's talking about me She said you left your kids, and they

just like you, they wanna rap and make soul beats just like you But they just

not you, and I just got through, talking about what I was trying to do, just not

new Now everybody got the game figured out all wrong, I guess you never know

what you got till it's gone I guess that's why I'm here and I can't come

home, and guess when I heard that, when I was back home Every interview, I'm

representing you, making you proud. Reach for the stars, and when you fall,

land on a cloud. Jump in the crowd, spark your light and wave them around.

If you don't know by now, I'm talking about shutdown.

Do you think about me now or then?

Do you think about me now or then?

Cause I'm coming home, I'm going home.

Maybe if you remember when Fireworks of Lake Michigan Now

I'm coming home again Coming home again Maybe if you remember

when Fireworks of Lake Michigan Now I'm coming home again

Maybe we could start again

Maybe we could start again.

Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for

you may not be right for some.

The man is born.

He's the man of me.

Then along come two.

They got nothing but the genes, but they got different strokes to take.

Different strokes to take. Different strokes to move the world.

Everybody's got a special kind of story.

Everybody finds a way to shine.

It don't matter that you got not a lot. So what? They'll have theirs and you'll

have yours and I'll have mine.

And together we'll be fine, cause it takes.

Difference goes to move the world, cause it doesn't change.

Difference goes to move the world.

How can we take more pictures?

Yeah! That's a neat camera.

Yeah, and when you make a mistake, it yells at you in Japanese.

Hey dudes, keeping the spot warm for me? Yeah.

Hey! Hey, give me five!

Gotcha!

We're packing for our trip down the Colorado River. I love camping. My dad

us. We know McKinney.

We saw your picture that's show and tell.

He had a motor home, a portable TV, and he had steak every night.

We did not have steak every night.

We had chicken once.

Chicken? That figures.

I'm going to take some pictures with my new camera.

What a thrill.

Oh, so what's your big idea of fun?

Jumping subway turnstiles.

Climbing a fire escape.

Running up to winos and smelling their breath.

You've done all that?

On a bad day.

And man, it's better than hitting the teacher with a spitball.

How should you know? Every time you wait for Mrs. Spencer, you miss and hit me.

Who said I missed?

Yeah, well, I'm going to go now have some fun.

You guys can come along unless you'd rather say cheese for Sammy.

See you later. Bye.

Cheese.

How long have you been hosting Gotham tonight, Summer?

Two years.

six months, seven days, and three husbands.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Dad.

Check out my new haircut.

Oh, Willis.

I'm gonna have my lawyer call your barber.

Dad, this thing is really in now.

Hi. Hi.

Hey, wait a minute. You're that, um... Summer Hartwig.

A fan. It happens all the time.

All right, you have that, um, what's that, um, that consumer show, um, Fight

Back with... No, Willis, you've got her confused with David Horowitz.

Please, don't compare me with a man who gets excited testing toenail clippers.

Remember, Willis, I told you, Summer is featuring me on her show Gotham Tonight.

In fact, I want to interview the whole family.

And that is terrific.

I mean, because there's been so many girls who've been dying to meet me, and

they get the chance on TV.

The other nice thing about the show, Willis, is that it's about women in

business. And they're letting me promote my new line of exercise clothes.

Sweat du jour.

The du jour was my idea.

They sound French, but they're really made in Hoboken.

Does David Horowitz know about this?

It doesn't matter where they're made. The important thing...

is that Maggie is donating one half of the profits to some very deserving

charities. Now, I think that might be worth mentioning.

Charity? Oh, Phil, you incredibly naive, rich person.

This isn't PBS.

All I care about is that the leotards are skimpy.

Trust me, my audience wants flesh and they know where to find it.

They want flesh and they will love my head.

I'm off to Philadelphia. I can't wait to see Independence Hall, the Liberty

Bell, and Dr.

J.

You be sure you go to bed on time.

All right, Ed.

Goodbye, sweetheart.

Oh, I packed your bag for your class trip, and it's on the sofa.

Thanks, Maggie. You know, I do have a few minutes, Miss Hartwig.

Maybe we could do some close -ups?

If my cameraman were here, I'd love to, Arnold, because our show is deeply

concerned with the lives of every member of this unique and exciting family.

May we see the kitchen now?

Right this way.

Goodbye, sweetheart.

Don't forget, call every night. Okay.

Have a good time, son.

Bye, Dad.

I'd make a much better interview than the microwave.

Notice how sad Sam is. He already misses his terrific big brother.

Right, Sam?

Are you going somewhere, Arnold?

All right, all right, Sam. What's wrong?

Nothing. Is it the kind of nothing where you come to me later on, you spill your

guts? and you tell me how bad everything is, and I tell you everything's not so

bad, and then I tell you about the ant and the grasshopper, and you get all

teary -eyed, and then I reassure you everything's going to be all right, and

is.

Yeah, that's the kind.

Well, my class has got to train the cats, so you'll have to talk to Willis.

Well, Willis can never remember anything after the grasshopper plays all summer.

I'll call you tonight.

Bye, Arnold. Bye -bye. Bye, Arnold.

Okay, Sam, what's the problem?

Well, there's this new kid, Kurt, who's been picking on me, putting me down, and

stealing my friends.

Willis, how mad would Mom and Mr. D be if I got in a fight?

Too mad.

And when Pearl got in a fight with the plumber, they made her snake the drain

herself.

Willis, I'm serious.

Can you teach me some moves?

Sam, moves like mine can't be taught.

have them or you don't.

I

got him.

Sam, maybe you should consider talking to this guy.

Forget it, Willis.

From now on, I'm going to do all my talking with these fists of fury.

Damn cool. Look, this is what I'll do.

Let's go down to Hamburger Hangar tomorrow and I'll try to help you out.

we're going to try to solve these things without fighting.

I want you to tell Kurt you don't like his act and you want him to quit.

It won't work, Willis.

Kurt makes Gaddafi look like Pee Wee Herman.

Just try.

And if it's really that bad and no other way out, then I'll signal you it's okay

to fight.

On June 6th, meet the Zohan. I want to be hairdresser.

There's nothing wrong with that. Adam Sadler. Have you ever worked with kids

before?

You don't mess with the Zohan. It's a good time to shave his neck for PG -13.

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Denise is a problem type. It's 3 o 'clock. I guess technically I'm late.

prefers the term work in progress.

This is my problem.

I want to take care of it. Welcome to a different world, Denise.

That's right.

Weeknights at midnight.

Want something, Sam? Yeah.

Kurt's head on a platter.

I don't sit on the menus, Sam.

Look, I told you.

We're only going to use fighting as a last resort.

That's right, Willis. Once this thing's hurt, you'll probably want to get a few

licks in, too.

There they are.

And don't chew so loud that you can't hear, all right? Don't worry, Sam. I

chew. I'll just swallow.

You should have come with us, Sam. We spend the day giving bad directions to

tourists. Yeah, there's this one guy from Kansas who thinks Madison Square

Garden is a vegetable patch in Brooklyn.

Save it, guys.

Rich kids like McKinney don't know how to have fun.

They pay someone to do it for them.

Kurt, why are you always putting me down?

Gee, I don't know.

I guess because it's just so easy to do.

You better stop.

Who's going to make me? Your nerdy brother Arnold the photographer?

What's he going to do? Pop flash bulbs in my face while I beg for mercy?

Kurt, you're this close.

What's that?

The size of your brother Willis' biggest muscle or his brain?

I'm warning you, Kurt, okay? I'm not surprised your family's so weird. I

just look at your geeky dad.

He's the biggest wimp in the world.

Come on.

Come on.

What's wrong with Kenny?

Can't take it? Truth hurts?

Let me in.

I'll show him the truth.

All right, all right. That's enough, both of you.

Now, look at what you did here.

This is a restaurant, you know, not WrestleMania.

It's all right, Mr. Wallace. We'll take care of our share.

Yeah, you're darn right you will, Jackson.

You know, people like to eat this garbage, not walk on it.

You, what's your name?

I'll handle the interrogation, Magnum P .I.

How do I reach your parents?

Okay, pal, listen.

You got two choices.

You can tell me, or you can tell the police.

Look, why don't you just tell them who your parents are? I mean, what's the

worst they can do to you?

Nothing.

They can't do nothing.

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Remember little JJ from coming to the stage?

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Oh, excuse me, but Phillip, could you come into the kitchen for a few minutes?

Summer wants some shots of us making dinner together.

Okay, I'll be there in a minute, honey.

Now look, Sam. No, Dad, you go right ahead and talk to Maggie.

I think I want to talk to Sam alone.

It might be good for the both of us, if you know what I mean.

Right, Mr. D.

You can always yell at me later.

Okay.

Coming, honey.

Thanks for getting me off with us.

Just for that, I won't make a joke about you having a five o 'clock shadow on

your head.

Sam, look, I'm serious.

Now, I want to talk to you about why Kirk told you those lies and why he

insulted you. Who cares why he did it? I just know he won't be doing it again.

Look, Sam, Kurt has no one in the whole world.

Gee, I wonder why.

Sam, you know, I've been checking up on Kurt and it turned out that he's never

spent more than one year in the same foster home.

And now he's too old to be adopted because all they want are babies.

He's the biggest baby I know.

Look, Sam, do you like me and Arnold?

Of course, you're my brothers.

Well, Sam, we're just like Kurt was.

Older kids with no parents.

And if Dad hadn't taken a sin, I mean, we might have lived in foster homes or

group homes.

And we might have been just as mean as Kurt.

Not you, Willis.

Maybe Arnold.

Sam, getting bounced around like that, doesn't that explain to you why Kurt's

the way he is?

Yeah. And don't you think now you can forgive him?

Yeah, but Sam... Forget it, Willis!

Because two bananas splits late.

I thought you said he really wanted to apologize to me.

He does, Sam. He told me so.

Well, we have to be back for Mama's interview, sir.

We've got over two hours.

Well?

Well?

Well, okay, Sam, apologize.

Knock it off, you two.

Now, I told you that to get you here.

And I've got even bigger news.

You two are going to be friends.

What? Me with Tim? I'd rather kiss a frog.

Well, I'd rather kiss a girl.

Look, knock it off, you clowns.

There's no reason why you guys can't get along.

you're bragging about your family and all the things they do.

I never brag. You always brag about going out on trips or out to dinner or

ball games.

No, that's not bragging.

Everyone's family does stuff like that.

No, Sam, not everyone has a family.

But I... Look,

Kurt, I know you really weren't trying to hurt Sam.

I mean, now, do you hate him?

No, not really.

It's just... It's just you're jealous about his family.

Yeah.

See, Sam, putting you down was the only way he could feel better.

Now, I might have done that, and you might have, too.

Boy, Willis, you're awful smart for a guy who still reads comics.

So?

Am I looking at two friends?

Yeah.

in 15 seconds.

Then, after meeting with her fitness wear production staff, Maggie motors

to her studio to lead an advanced class in a spirited aerobic workout.

Man, you look good leading that class, Maggie.

Stand by.

Okay, everybody, look adorable.

Five, four, three, two... Hi.

Now we're live in the Drummond's lovely Park Avenue home.

As you can see, Maggie is surrounded by her warm and loving family.

We'll meet her and talk to the only people who come between her and her

clothes right after this time out.

That's a cut.

Between her and her exercise clothes.

Get it?

That's like the Calvin commercial.

Cal's a big fan of our show. He never misses us.

being on TV.

Sam, honey, what's wrong?

I mean, you were so excited about all this.

I know. I was just thinking about Kurt.

He's really not such a bad guy.

It's just that he doesn't have anyone.

I know.

But he has a good friend like you.

Stand by.

It's showtime, folks.

say that the best way to really get to know someone is to talk to the people

know that someone even better than that someone knows him or herself.

So before we meet Maggie, let's talk to the people who know her best.

The handsome gentleman to my left knows her very well.

Of course, a hunk like him knows a lot of ladies well.

And that's Maggie's favorite man, her son Sam.

about having such a famous mom?

I feel really lucky.

I guess so, because she's so nice, so pretty, so upwardly mobile.

Yes, all of those.

But most of all, I feel lucky just to have a mom.

My friend Kirk doesn't, and no one wants to adopt him because they think he's

too old.

Well, that's very interesting, Sam, but turning now to other... Wait.

There's lots of kids like my friend Kirk.

People should know that. And now they do.

But turning now to Maggie's stepson, Willis.

Willis, what can you tell us about Maggie?

She is the greatest.

I love her like my real mom.

Why, Willis, what a wonderful thing to say.

Marvelous.

If I'm not mistaken, that's real warmth.

See, when I was 11...

My mom died, and my dad died a couple years before that. But luckily, my

and I were adopted.

Otherwise, we would have been just like Sam's friend, Kurt. Who we've already

heard plenty about.

See, thousands of kids get shuffled from place to place. And then at 18, they

get pushed out into the world.

Turning now to Philip Drummond, who I know is going to stick to the questions.

Philip, what can you tell us about your wife?

Well, Maggie's a very lovely, charming, intelligent lady.

And marrying her was the second best thing I ever did.

Uh -huh.

And what was the best... We're going to talk about orphans, aren't you?

Yes, but first I think that there's something your audience should know.

Summer Hartwig is one of the most courageous women in television.

Sure, she could play it safe, keep it light and fluffy, throw lots of leotards

in front of the camera to get ratings, but not her.

No?

When she sees a worthwhile issue, ratings be damned, she goes for it. I

And if she doesn't get an Emmy for this, then there's no justice.

We do what we can.

Now then, what was it you wanted to know about my lovely wife?

Later. We've got a cause here.

Go for it, Philip.

Well, I guess the most effective way for me to say it is just simply to tell you

that the best thing I ever did was to adopt Willis and Arnold.

However, adopting an older child is not for everybody.

Well, it should be.

Nevertheless, the rewards of parenting still exist in an older child.

Being father to these boys brought a warmth and richness into my life that I

never could possibly have imagined.

And of course, I was able to give two kids a chance that they might otherwise

have been denied.

It worked for me.

There you are, an unsolicited testimonial. It's wonderful.

Maggie, is there something you'd like to add?

Yes, thank you.

The love and guidance of a parent is something every child must have.

So if you have room in your home and in your heart, won't you think about

adopting an older child?

I am touched.

And if I know my viewers, I'm sure that many of them will go out after the show

and get themselves a kid.

Well, we're out of time.

Be sure to join us tomorrow night when we'll rate your chances to be a

centerfold model and take you backstage at a beauty contest for cats.

Good night.

That's a wrap.

Thank you, everyone.

You've shown me a side of myself that I just didn't know was there.

Damn, I want that Emmy.

Sam, that was a very nice thing that you did.

To show your concern for your friend. You know, it might make a difference.

Yeah, way to go, little bro.

Oh, Sam, I am so proud of you.

Come give your old mother a hug.

Oh. Mama, do you think if I brought Carter over, you'd hug him, too?