Original subtitles

Now the world don't move, to the feet of just one drum.

What might be right for you, may not be right for some.

A man is born, he's a man of me.

Then along come two, they got nothing but the genes.

But they got different strokes to take, different strokes to take, different

strokes to move the world.

Everybody's got a special kind.

Two B's, two C's, and a C+. Not bad, Charlie.

I was lucky.

Miss Lumberjee gave me a C in French, and it took me three weeks to learn how

pronounce her name right.

Hey, Arnold. Hey, Arnold.

Something wrong with your report card?

Yeah, nothing you couldn't fix with a paper shredder.

B, B +, C +, B.

Hey, and that last B looks like an F.

That is an F.

Arnold Flunk, geometry!

A little louder. The crew in the kitchen didn't hear that.

It's only a midterm grade.

You'll be able to pass a course.

Well, it's not like I don't like to study.

I just don't get telemetry.

Math used to be easy. If the answer was 72, you answered 72.

Now, if I thought to be this and perpendicular to that, I missed 72.

Yeah, 72 is my favorite answer.

Next to none of the above.

You've got bad trouble now, Arnold. I remember what my father did when I

home an ass.

And I'm stupid.

I feel awful.

My dad's really going to be disappointed.

Arnold, not making the chess team is disappointing.

And that will get you killed.

No way.

My dad will be disappointed, but he'll understand.

Hello, Sam.

What have you got there?

It's a model dinosaur my mama gave it to me.

Visible brontosaurus, huh?

Yeah, it's got 412 interlocking bones.

It only sounds like 411 to me.

Could you help me put it together?

Oh, unfortunately, Sam, I've never been very good at that sort of thing. I once

had a model airplane kit.

That plane had a better chance of flying while it was still in the box.

for ages nine and up. I can be the nine and you can be the and up.

All right, Sam. Let's give it a shot.

Here's the vertebrae.

Okay.

Only 411 pieces left to go.

Hi, Arnold. Hi.

Hi, Arnold. Mr. D's gonna help me put my model together.

Uh -oh. If Dad helps, don't expect it to fly.

How's the Hastings project?

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

That's Lou Jennings, isn't it?

Well, it's the third time that that's happened.

We've got to let him go.

Oh, I know, Dave. I like him, too.

But let's face it. The man has failed.

Well, look, I brought him into the company.

I'll tell him myself.

Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.

Mr. D?

I'm afraid so, Sam. It's not a pleasant thing to do, but I have no choice.

I don't think it's fair to fire somebody just because they failed one subject.

It's not a matter of fairness, son. What?

Failed one subject?

I mean, messed up one project.

The project's not the most important thing, Arnold.

We put faith in this man, and he let us down.

Now, if you don't take strong and immediate action when a man fails, it's

influence on all the others.

Still, it never gets any easier having to fire somebody.

You're not going to fire me if I mess up a dinosaur, are you?

Trust me, Sam, I have never yet fired anybody for messing up a dinosaur.

What about for flunking geometry?

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My record is 600, so I'm undefeated. Iron Ring, Tuesdays at 10 .30.

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Thanks. Tell us again how understanding your father is. Oh, cut it out. This is

serious. Where's Spider? Don't be so nervous. He'll be here.

Why do you call him Spider anyway?

Because his father's using cockroach.

Are you Spider?

You're the kid with the problem and the money?

That's me.

Then I'm Spider.

I'm not into touching.

What are you two? UN observers?

Rich friends.

I'm thrilled beyond words.

Are you sure you don't have something important to do?

Nope, not me.

Do you consider breathing important?

Let's go.

So what do you need, kid? I got phony ID, birth certificate, social security

cards. I even got a special this month on green cards.

Do I look like I need a green card?

How do I know you're not covering up an accent?

So, what do you need?

Well, I need a new report card.

A flunked geometry.

And if you can't do that, I'll settle for a passport.

Flunked geometry, huh?

There seems to be a lot of that going around.

May I see the offending document?

Oh, come on. Are you going to fix it or are you going

to eat it?

Big talk from a math dummy.

I was checking the paper stock in the ink.

You got three options.

For $20, I'll forge your father's signature.

For $40, I'll get you a new report card for him to sign with the grades of your

choice. And for $75, I'll get you a new report card with the grades. I'll change

them, and then I'll change them back again before you hand it in.

I can't believe I'm getting involved with an insect.

It is not an insect. It is an arachnid.

One more remark like that and I'll change your biology grade to an F.

So what'll it be?

My dad's pretty preoccupied with work these days, so maybe he won't notice if

didn't give it to him.

Do you think he could find his name so no one will know?

Are you kidding? I can copy the signature in the dark.

It's diamond, right?

Drumming.

Just kidding.

Hi, Arnold. How's school?

Uh, uh, school, school is fine.

Fine, just fine.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm just trying to figure out what the 10th through the 14th breast bones

on this model are connected to.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, Sam. Hi, Sam.

Mr. D, you started without me.

Well, I just wanted to get us past this critical rib part here, Sam.

I got my report card today.

Well, good. Let me see it.

Ivan did good and pays attention in class.

That's great, Sam.

Yeah, I learned to sleep with my eyes open.

Sam, it is a real pleasure for me to sign a report card like this.

Arnold, where's your report card?

Uh, we didn't get them.

But I saw some high school kids with their report cards.

Really?

Those must have been some other high school kids from another school.

That's it. We don't get ours until next week.

I always look forward to your report card.

One thing I'm grateful for, you kids have always made me feel proud of you

it came to your grades.

Thanks, Mr. D.

Man, you're in bad trouble now.

You should have just let your dad see the app.

Look. Spider, maybe you can just give me a phony idea and I can tell my dad I'm

someone else.

You should have just let me change the grades in the first place.

That's the trouble with American society today.

Too many people take the easy and expensive option rather than going for

higher price quality product.

Then they complain about shoddy merchandise and our industrial base

morass of mediocrity.

Ain't it the truth.

I feel bad enough without having to listen to a lecture on society's

from a guy named after the rat man.

Hey.

I am a skilled craftsman dealing in an important service.

Or don't you need it anymore?

I need it. I need it.

And I have the report card.

What grades is he going to get?

It all depends on what he deserves. We have to earn good grades.

How am I going to do that?

by showing a grasp of the fundamentals?

I'll test you.

Let's take math, for instance.

If my bookie owes me 50 bucks and I lose back 30, how much does he owe me?

20. A in math.

Okay, here's history. What came first? Happy days or Laverne and Shirley?

Happy days.

A in history.

Okay, what else do you think, kid?

French. Hey, I don't know any French.

So since you know more than me, A in French.

You're hot now.

Keep going. What's the biology question?

There isn't any.

He thought a spider was an insect.

I can only give you a B.

And we'll give you a B in English just so the biology doesn't feel so lonely.

There you go.

Three A's and two B's.

Not bad at all. You're almost an A student.

Is America a great country or what?

stop for dinner. Looking at all these bones makes me hungry.

Now we've got to finish the tail.

Mr. D., I'm really hungry.

Do you know what Pearl's making for dinner?

Well, she said she'd been inspired by her dinosaur.

She's making ribs.

Well, that piece must be around here someplace.

Well, maybe the tail doesn't come to a point.

Well, I think it's going to look so unfinished without that point at the end

the tail.

Not to mention its head.

Well, keep looking, will you?

By the way, has Arnold come home from school yet?

Oh, yeah.

He went back out, but he asked me to give you his report card.

Oh.

Sam, I told you not to put your gum in your pocket.

Oh, that's not my gum. That's Richard's.

Well, don't put anybody's gum in your pocket.

Oh.

Oh, wow.

These grades are really outstanding.

Three A's and two B's.

I can't believe that Arnold didn't want to show me this himself.

This is the kind of report card he used to use to try and get a raise in his

allowance.

Yeah, he's probably out shopping for a sports car.

I'll get it, Mr. D.

Hi, guys.

Hi, is all home short stuff?

No. And don't call me short stuff, stubby.

Ma 'am, that is not a very polite thing for you to do.

Come in, guys.

Hi, Mr. Drummond. Hi. Come with, Farnell. We won't need any food.

We always eat food here.

Help yourself, boys. Pearl's in the kitchen.

By the way, guys, did Arnold show you his report card?

Uh, is something wrong with it, sir?

Wrong? But it's wonderful.

These grades are so good that I'm going to try and get him into a special

enrichment program.

Um...

I think Arnold's already enriched enough, sir.

No such thing. I'm going to speak to his guidance counselor as soon as I

possibly can.

Thanks a lot.

What did you do?

That's what he didn't do.

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What is that? The strangers are coming.

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The strangers radar starts tomorrow.

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Yes, two seven -star chicken biscuits.

McDonald's has chicken for breakfast now? You heard right.

Oh, it reminds me of my nana's kids when we used to make chicken biscuits.

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Mickey D7 -style chicken biscuit.

Chicken biscuit for breakfast.

This biscuit tastes homemade.

And the chicken is so juicy.

And seasoned just right.

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Oh, man.

Charlie, Ricky, how'd I get in this mess?

Well, if you ask me... Shut up, Ricky. Who asked you?

What's this world coming to if you can't count on a good phony report card?

Yeah, well, I work too well. My dad thinks I'm a genius.

Man, am I in trouble with him.

It's all your fault.

Can't be. We passed geometry.

Just fine. We had you, man. That's what you said, and I listened to you.

Another mistake.

I hope I get out of good behavior in time for my junior prom.

Hello, gentlemen.

What are you doing here?

I have other clients, you know.

There you go.

Your cousin Louie's a barber.

So anyway, I came by to also see if my work was satisfactory.

It's perfect.

My father believed every grade.

So why the long face?

He thinks I should be in special classes, and he wants to see my guidance

counselor. I once had a little backfire before. No big deal, though.

Gotta be out in two to five years.

You're probably going up for life.

Hey, kid, they don't call me the action man for nothing. You got a problem, I

spring into action.

You can't forge a guidance counselor.

No, but I can be one. I am an actor.

Guy's a lunatic.

I'll have you know I spent many years in this town as an actor.

Really? What were you in?

Death.

That's why I do what I do now.

But I studied with some of the best teachers. I can be anything.

Watch this.

Bravo. It's great. It's terrific.

Guys, what is he?

He's crazy, and I should be on a bus to Canada.

That was a tree. And you think I can't play a guidance counselor?

I don't even think he can play a tree.

Well, I think he can play a tree.

Face it, kid.

I'm all you got.

Ta -da!

There stands a visible brontosaurus.

We did it!

Wasn't that fun, Sam?

Wasn't that the most fun you've had in ages?

I guess the most fun I had in ages.

Got a little carried away, didn't I?

Yeah, but it was fun watching you. I mean, you... Leslie is such a grown -up.

But with this, you are like a little kid with a tie on.

Now I'm going to go upstairs and attack him with my toy soldiers.

I got to get.

Why, it's my guidance counselor, Mr.

Hoffman. Cool it, Arnold.

I've been really looking forward to this. Come in, come in, come in.

Have a seat.

and thank you for coming to the house. Well, I know what a busy man you are,

there's so many distractions at school that I know we'd both want to give this

our undivided attention.

Let's get right to the point, shall we?

Now, you have seen Arnold's midterm grades. Oh, yes, sir, I have.

Looking at those grades, I would think that he would be qualified...

for a special enrichment program.

Well, sir, you may be overreacting here. After all, these are only midterm

grades, and they could change significantly by the next report card.

Well, I guess that's it for special enrichment. Thanks for coming, Mr.

Mr.

Hoffman was very good to come all the way over here.

We are fortunate to be able to take advantage of his expertise.

Now, just how do you select students for special programs?

Well, there are several ways. Of course, there are previous grades over several

years and standardized tests.

Of course.

Oh, I'm no good on standardized tests.

They're below my standards.

Thanks for coming, Mr. Hoffman. Mr.

Hoffman, you are a professional educator, am I right? Well, yes, I am

that field.

Well, let me ask you something.

In your expert opinion,

Would Arnold have a better chance of qualifying for an enrichment program if

spent more time reading and less time watching television?

Well, sir, that's really not in my area of expertise, but I imagine so.

Oh, Dad, but there's a lot of educational stuff on TV, like dance

Oh, you learn a lot about anatomy.

And certainly you agree that students shouldn't be allowed out on school

Well, sir, that's less an educational decision than a parental judgment thing.

Now, I have read where some educators feel that dating is a distraction and

it can only interfere with studies.

Do you share that viewpoint?

Well, the negative aspect... I knew you would.

I knew you would. Fine.

Then Arnold will only date in the summertime.

Is that all right with you, Arnold?

Yeah, but my hormones may not like it. Don't be silly, Arnold.

During the summer, he will date only on alternate Thursdays, before a full moon,

and after a rainstorm.

Is there something wrong?

Everything.

Well, I guess I'd best be going.

Not so fast.

Arnold, is there something you'd like to tell me?

I got an F in geometry, and he forged my report card twice, and he's not my real

guidance counselor. I paid him to be here.

I know that. I called your school this afternoon, and I spoke with your regular

guidance counselor.

Oops. Oops, indeed. Just who are you?

His name's Spider.

Perfect.

Why don't you just crawl out of here like a bug?

You see, sir, actually, a spider is not a bug.

Out.

Ah, one thing more.

You are out of business. If I ever hear of you or see you again, I will call the

police. You got that?

Loud and clear.

Uh, Dad, you want me to crawl out with him? I want you to stay right here,

man.

Now, maybe you would like to tell me how all this happened.

Well, I was afraid.

I heard you talk about firing that guy because he failed, and I was afraid of

what you'd do to me.

Arnold, you're my son. I can't fire you.

I know.

But I was mostly worried about what I'd do to you.

To me?

I don't understand.

Well, I remember in fourth grade when I got that gold star in my composition.

You were so happy and proud, and you told all your friends how well I did in

school and how proud you were of me. I've always been proud of you.

Well, I was afraid this time you wouldn't be. You'd be hurt and

You'd think I didn't care. I wasn't really trying, and I didn't want you to

think that.

I see. You were more worried about failing me than failing your courses in

school. I guess so. It really bothered me.

I'm very touched by that, son.

Look, I always want you to do well.

But if you've tried your very best, I will always understand.

Well, I do try my best. I just don't understand geometry.

Well, we'll get you some help. That's what tutors are for.

Don't ever be afraid to ask for help.

There's nothing unusual about needing help with a subject.

I once needed a tutor for Latin.

As a matter of fact, I could use one for Brontosaurus building.

Don't worry, Arnold.

You'll catch on to geometry.

I'm not as worried about that as I am about getting punished.

All right, I'll tell you, Arnold, I'm going to ground you for two weeks.

That and the punishment you've already inflicted on yourself should wipe the

slate clean.

Man, what a week.

You know, Einstein had a lot of trouble in school.

He was even thrown out once.

I'll be very happy if you were one fraction as good as Einstein was.

I'm setting my sights higher. I want to be as good as you.

Uh, mother -in -law, whatever you do, don't hit the stain button.

Hey, hey.

Hold it still, and you'll be all right. And next time, you iron your tie before

you put it on.

Now, you ready? I want to get there early so we can get a seat up front.

It's been a while since I've been to church, and I want to make sure God can

me.

Man, I ain't been here so long, I don't even know if God recognize me.

Uh, let me go get my church hat.

No, no, come on. Don't wear a hat to church, man.

The ushers are going to make you take it off anyway.

Not this one.

A koofy.

It's the only hat approved by the heavens above.

As -salamu alaykum, my brother.

Isn't it quite funny, Bob?

They're just going to leave you alone.

while you sit inside your home.

Be the rock.

This song truly teaches us the importance of faith.

Amen!

Yes.

Let us turn now to church business.

First of all, our softball team plays United Methodist today at 3 o 'clock.

Let's give them our support.

Amen!

Church!

Is there anyone in the church today who is willing to volunteer as a teacher for

our Sunday school program.

Well, thank you, Sister Celeste, for your church spirit.

But perhaps your time would be better spent at home, stabilizing your

medication.

Any other volunteers?

You can't drink that in here. What do you mean that?

and there's only one opening but two volunteers.

Now you take it. Brother McGee and Brother Sherman, may I suggest that you

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It gladdens my heart to see the two of you become active in church life.

Gentlemen, you have the gratitude of the entire congregation.

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