Original subtitles

Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for

you may not be right for some. A man is born, he's a man of means.

Then along come two, they got nothing but the genes. But they got different

strokes to take, different strokes to take, different strokes to move the

Everybody's got a special kind of story.

Everybody finds a way to shine.

It don't matter that you got not a lot.

So what? I'll have theirs and you'll have yours and I'll have mine.

And together we'll be fine. Different strokes to move the world. Different

strokes to move the world.

And isn't it also true that you took that piece of lemon pie that I had

hidden in the back of the refrigerator and ate it?

It wasn't me, Arnold.

Honest. It must have been someone else, like a pie burglar.

And isn't it also true that you went to bed without dessert that night?

Would you believe I've been watching my figure?

What I do believe is in the dark of the night, you snuck out of your bunk and

slipped into the kitchen and gobbled up my piece of pie.

And I have the evidence to prove it.

on your pillow.

Okay, I did it, I did it.

I'm sorry, Arnold.

You're a really fine lawyer, Arnold.

And I really believed you ate that pie, Sam. That's one fine acting job.

I wasn't acting.

Sam, that was the last piece.

I'm going to see you tonight for sentencing.

You could get five to ten.

Guess I took care of him.

And I'll do the same when I defend Dudley in student court today. You'll be

terrific, Arnold.

I better be, because Jennifer Smith is covering the trial for the school

newspaper. And I'm talking Jennifer Smith with the legs that reduce men to

and boys to babies.

You sound serious about Jennifer.

Uh, let me put it this way. I think the both of you better start thinking about

where you're going to send us on our honeymoon.

a toss -up between Paris and Disney World.

Arnold, I think you ought to take the student court more seriously than that.

It's an opportunity to learn about the law.

And I'm sure the kids feel that it's fair when they judge each other. It's a

smart idea.

And courts can be fun, too, Arnold.

Like my cousin Longhorn Apple, Colonel.

Longhorn Apple?

What was he on trial for? His name?

No, no. For making moonshine.

Oh,

I remember Longhorn at our wedding.

He wore tennis shoes and drank champagne out of a mason jar.

Did Longhorn get off?

Sure he did. The judge was Cousin Shorthorn Apple.

I won't need any relatives.

The only weapon I need is my golden tongue.

And a dopey judge couldn't hurt either.

Johnson, a pillar of our student community, is not the kind of guy to

rotten eggs at a rotten rival team school bug.

He would not, he could not, and he did not.

He would, he could, and he did.

And I beg the court not to let Arnold Jackson, this sleazy, fast -talking

mouthpiece, cloud the issue.

Dudley's wanton and reckless acts have made our whole school look

In the interest of serving truth, justice, and the American way, the

calls Lisa Hayes to the stand.

I'm going to bury you.

Okay, Lisa, tell the court exactly what did you see happen.

Well, I was standing in the schoolyard thinking about the many extra credit

assignments I've completed this term.

Lisa, just take the relevant facts.

Very well.

Well, it was right after our glorious team's narrow loss to Fremont Junior

Narrow? We lost 79 to 3.

I'm sure that's why Dudley pelted their team bus with eggs.

And just where was the alleged Dudley when he threw the alleged eggs?

In the schoolyard. I saw the eggs hit the bus and I ran around the corner and

there was Dudley standing there with a guilty look on his face.

And if you had his attendance record, you'd look guilty, too.

He's got you there, Lisa.

Robbie.

Yes, Mrs. Stone.

Order in the court.

So, you never actually thought that we'd throw those eggs?

Well, no, I just assumed...

You're just myth.

Your Honor, I called Dudley A. Johnson to the stand.

Hey, Jennifer, watch this.

Dudley, who was the pitcher in the final baseball game?

I was.

And where did your first pitch land?

The dugout.

And your second pitch?

The snack bar.

And your third pitch?

There wasn't one. The coach chased me off the field.

In other words, you're not much of a pitcher.

What are you talking about? I pitched a no -hitter. I didn't hit anybody.

Dudley, take this baseball.

Throw it to Mr. Stone.

Dudley, no, wait a minute. Dudley, no, wait a minute.

I lost my case.

Sorry. This man could not hit a school bus.

In fact, he couldn't hit a school.

Lisa, do you have anything else to say?

Only that I can't believe you're listening to this legal mouth -to -mouth

defense.

Arnold, any closing remarks?

Uh, yes, Your Honor. But just for the prosecuting attorney.

What's your decision?

Not guilty.

Oh, Arnold, that was wonderful the way you saved Dudley. Can I get a picture

the newspaper?

Okay, but only if you get my goodbye.

He's usually pitting on it.

How about an interview at lunch tomorrow, Arnold?

Why wait? Let's do it over a banana split now, my sweet 'un.

I wrote about the trial, your brilliant interview made my story that much

better.

I figured it would.

Oh, Arnold, you're so cute.

I think I'm going to have my cheek bronzed.

Or would you like to go for bronze lips?

Arnold, how can you hold hands with that rat fink?

Watch your mouth, Robbie. This rat fink's my main squeeze.

Look. Look what this cheese nibbler wrote about me.

Nerd presides over student court.

A nerd. She called me a nerd.

Ah, that's probably some mistake.

Yesterday, Robbie Jason, a real nerd, presided over student court.

His nerdly behavior reduced the proceedings to a mockery. It says, see

nerd continued.

Jennifer, did you write this? Of course I did. It's true.

Well, look.

If anybody can see the humor in this, I'm sure Robbie can. Right, Rob?

It's not funny. Since this came out, half the school's not talking to me.

here comes Mr. Stone. He'll study this.

And, Mr. Stone, I really enjoy helping you with these attendance sheets.

I took them home last night, and in only three hours, I was able to put them in

alphabetical order.

Thank you, Lisa.

Mr. Stone, I think we've got a problem here. Look at this.

Oh. Oh, yes, the nerd article.

Jennifer, I want to talk to you about that.

You should, sir, because I've heard the whole school thinks I'm a nerd. I walk

down the halls and hear hundreds of voices going, and I don't even laugh

that. Well, obviously, Robbie feels he's been libeled, so I guess this should be

settled in student court.

That's not very fair and equitable, sir.

I'm glad you think so, Lisa, because... I'm appointing you as Robbie's lawyer.

Defend this fool.

Lisa.

I'm honored to be chosen, sir.

I love it when you squirm, Lisa.

And Arnold, although both Jennifer and Robbie are your friends, I'm sure you'll

have no trouble being fair.

Sir, I don't understand.

You're going to be the judge.

What are you talking about, Mr. Stone?

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I love when, you know, you want to win a championship game. Josh has good hands.

Sometimes he just loses the ball. Not my game.

Two words, Chief.

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Hello. Welcome home, baby.

Oh, that's a booty call.

Look at that. It's been our group. We never kiss each other.

The city.

Why'd you move to New York? To fall in love.

The movie.

How often do you guys have sex? All day, every day. It's impressive.

On May 30th. Are we having wine? Yes. Glass or a bottle?

It's never been bigger. Bigger than big.

When I get married, I'm wearing something like that. Only bigger.

Sex and a thing. Rated R. May 30th, only in theaters.

The chocolate chips everybody wants. Chips ahoy. They go best.

Thanks, Maggie.

Sam, choosing between my best friend and my girlfriend is like you having to

choose between rocky rolling chocolate chocolate chip ice cream.

It can't be Donald.

At least I lucked out and got the trial postponed until tomorrow.

Good idea. That'll give you extra time to study your case.

Actually, I wanted the extra time to get hit by a bus.

Get your mind off it, Arnold.

Dig into my mother's famous down -home seafood soup.

No, thanks, Maggie. I don't have any appetite.

What am I going to do about tomorrow?

How can I stab Robbie in the back?

Don't stab Jennifer in the back.

who's the most beautiful girl in the world?

Arnold, so long as you judge the case fairly, even if you have to decide

Jennifer, I am sure she will still respect you.

But will she still date me?

Isn't respect enough?

You can't take respect to the prom.

All right, people. Now, this is Smith.

versus Jason.

Robbie, the plaintiff, is suing Jennifer, the defendant, for libel.

Lisa Hayes will represent Robbie, and Jennifer will defend herself.

Okay, now, all rise.

Roosevelt Junior High Student Court is now in session.

Arnold Jackson presiding.

Arnold, you're supposed to gavel the court to order.

And I will as soon as I find my hands.

Okay. Why don't we hear from you first, as long as your big mouth's already

open?

I intend to prove to this court that the article written by Jennifer Smith has

no basis in fact and serve only to damage my client's reputation.

He's not a nerd.

A little goofy, maybe.

But, uh, definitely not a nerd.

In fact, I ask the court to think about the...

character of this poor suffering victim.

A man who doesn't drink.

A man who doesn't smoke.

A man who doesn't chase women.

This man is a bore, ladies and gentlemen.

But he's not a nerd.

We're looking at a veteran here.

A man who spent two years in the Cub Scouts where he was decorated.

That's right. And I've got a purple heart to prove it.

I've burned my lip on a toasted marshmallow.

Okay, Jennifer, the court would like to hear from you now.

Thank you very much, Your Honor.

Mr.

Stone, I move that Arnold Jackson disqualify himself as the judge.

On what grounds, Lisa?

On the grounds that he has the hots for Jennifer.

Motion overruled. I do not have the hots for Jennifer. You may proceed, my

little buttercup.

That's your honor, Pooh.

Well, I've done a little research, and I've learned in a libel case, truth is a

perfect defense.

In other words, if I call somebody a nerd, and he really is a nerd,

then it can't be libel.

Isn't that right, Mr. Stone?

That's correct, Jennifer.

Then I've got...

caught your idea of a date.

If you're this weekend, I'd take you to my stamp club meeting.

We're having a great lecture.

Inferior glue.

Can we lick the problem?

I could rest my case on that one, but I won't.

Could Robbie please come up and stand next to the easel?

buttoned at the top.

Pocket protector full of pins.

Pocket protector full of pins.

And of course, the nerd lamp.

I've got you there.

Hey,

Robbie,

maybe you should start thinking about plea bargaining.

Would you settle for being called a wimp?

A wimp?

No way.

I'm walking out of here either a free man or a nerd.

Your Honor, I'll spare the court those kind of cheap theatrics and call

out my expert witness.

Mr. Stone, please bring in the reform nerd.

Check him in.

Would you please state your name?

You can just call me the unknown nurse.

Wait a minute.

Dudley, is that you?

I can't say. I'm anonymous.

Dudley, that is you.

You're disqualified.

Get out of here.

Sorry, Robbie.

Robbie, this isn't looking too good for you.

Lisa, do you have any other evidence or witnesses on Robbie's behalf?

No, Your Honor, I don't.

Well, Arnold, you've heard all the evidence and the facts.

Have you reached a decision?

Yes, Mr. Stone.

The decision is... The decision is...

that I'll have it tomorrow.

Court adjourned until 3 p .m.

Hi, son.

Hey, you seem to have something on your mind tonight.

You want to talk about it?

I don't need to.

I've reached a decision.

I'm quitting.

I'm turning in my gavel.

Are you sure that you want to do that, Arnold?

Positive.

Well, I realize that you do have a pretty tough decision to make.

Now I know why that judge in people's court gets so cranky.

I guess up till now about the toughest decision you've ever had to make is

figuring out what you wanted for Christmas.

Oh, but Dad, that's a grueling six -month dilemma.

And all the time living with the fear of opening my gifts and finding underwear.

You know, as we get older, we have to face dilemmas that are a lot more

important than that.

I'm finding that out.

If I fight against Robbie, I'll hurt his feelings.

If I side against Jennifer, I'll lose her, and that'll hurt my feelings.

Well, she does have nicer legs than Robbie.

All right.

See, Arnold, this is the kind of a decision that you just can't let your

feelings interfere with.

You've got to use your head and do what's right.

It's all part of growing up.

Why do I always get stuck in a position where it's going to cost me some of my

friends? Arnold, look.

I know that this isn't going to be pleasant.

But running away from your problems isn't pretty either.

And if you don't go to school court tomorrow morning, that's exactly what

be doing.

Then I gotta do it, huh?

Hey, you can handle it.

Okay.

But I can see it now.

I'll get everybody mad at me.

And I'll end up a lonely old man sitting around in my new underwear.

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It's 1030.

Will the parties involved please rise?

Arnold?

Well, I've given this a lot of thought.

Jennifer presented a very strong case.

And Robbie, you made the guy in the picture look good.

Thank you, sir.

Of course, it occurred to me that nobody likes a nerd, right?

Right, right. Yeah, true.

Well, in that case, how many people in this courtroom really like Robbie?

Well, if everyone likes Robbie, then he certainly can't be a nerd.

So, in spite of Lisa's poor, lackluster, ill -conceived defense...

is not a nerd and that also Jennifer must print a front page retraction.

Court adjourned.

Yay!

I'm not a nerd!

I'm not a nerd!

Oh, yeah. Look, but don't touch.

Well, Arnold, that was a fine display of honor and integrity.

Does that mean I can be excused from math class this week?

No.

I hope you understand that what I did, I thought was right.

Of course, I understand.

You did what you had to do.

Does that mean that you and I can still have a date on a Saturday?

What are you, nuts?

Yep, me alone in my underwear.

Hey, Arnold, thanks a lot. You saved my life. If there's anything I can do, can

ever do for you just ask well you can do me a favor and get rid of that stupid

laugh what laugh

Different scrolls you take.

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What up, man?

Hey, hey. Listen, are you doing anything special for Dr. King's birthday at your

garage? Yeah, I'm closing it.

No, that way, you know, I'm honoring the great man.

I ain't got to pay. time and a half.

Oh, well, good. Then you can help me here with the brunch.

See, uh, Tim?

See, I sold a bunch of advance tickets, right?

And, uh, Tim?

I got a children's choir we're gonna entertain.

And I'm the choir master.

Show them your stuff, big guy. Okay.

While you're sitting inside getting home.

Oh, yeah.

I got the tickets.

Please tell me, do you have the ladies?

The ladies are on their way, my man.

Good. I'll sell that $400 for this JoJo and KC, Joe to see tickets, man. Wait

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Is Renee's sister really fine?

Fine as a dime.

At least that's what Renee says.

Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up, man.

You ain't seen her?

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I just want to take this time to apologize.

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Hi, Malcolm.

Hey, Renee. How you doing, honey?

Renee, Rosie, this is Eddie.

So, ladies, are you ready for some Casey and JoJo?

Followed up by a little Malcolm and Eddie.

Actually, there's been a slight change in plans.

I'm sorry, man.

No, I understand.

See, you want to swap.

You know, I kind of liked you better all along anyway.

Yeah, you know, we're on our way to your show. Oh, yeah, is that right? Yeah,

yeah, we got some good seats.

Man, we look right up your nostrils, third row.

Hey, what y 'all doing here? Just picking up our dates.

Oh, what? Well, we got dates, too.

Maybe we can all go to the show together, carpool in your limousine.

y 'all women at?

I think you have your arms around me, brother.

This is the slight change in plans we're talking about.

What?

Come on, baby. Oh, come on.

We didn't know they had plans ourselves, man. So it's all good. Don't sweat it.

It's cool, you know.