Original subtitles

Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for

you may not be right for some.

A man is born, he's a man of means.

Then along come two, they got nothing but the genes. But they got different

strokes to take, different strokes to take, different strokes to move the

Everybody!

Excuse me.

I saw your help wanted sign outside.

Is the job filled yet?

Not yet.

Well, you can stop looking because here's your man.

I mean him, not me.

He's saving up to buy a car. I don't need a car. I'm too young.

Besides, it'll be a few years before my feet reach the pedals.

I'm not interested in your life story.

I really want that job. Is the boss around?

I'm the boss, Mr. Kruger.

You look like a boss, and you're built like one, too. Your stomach shows a lot

of authority.

I'm a rugged worker, Mr. Kruger. I'm honest and reliable.

And I can vouch for that.

Who are you, his agent?

I'm his brother.

Any experience?

I've been his brother for ten years.

It's talking to him.

You ever work in a gas station?

Yeah, once.

All right, we'll give it a whirl. You can start tomorrow afternoon after

Oh, great. Thank you, Mr. Kruger. You won't be sorry.

You better wear some old clothes that you can get dirty.

That's no problem. He has a closet full of dirty clothes.

Come on, Arnold. All right.

Hey, kids, look out!

Look out!

Adelaide, this corned beef and cabbage smells fantastic.

Did you tell you how to cook your mother?

No, my mother was a really terrible...

Couldn't boil water, huh?

Oh, she could boil water, all right.

But she called it soup.

Oh, it's a corned beef and cabbage we're after having for dinner. I can't wait

to hear your accent when I make borscht.

Tell me, did Willis get that job at the garage?

I don't know. He isn't home yet. But, Daddy, don't forget, you're giving me

same deal as Willis. Right.

After you got your driver's license, if you earn the first $1 ,000, then I'll

put up the rep to buy a used car.

When I was your age, my dad gave me the same deal on a used horse.

Hey, where is everybody?

In here, Willis.

Dad, I did it. I got the job. I'll start tomorrow.

Hey, congratulations.

That's great.

I can't believe it.

Can't believe Willis got the job? I can't believe what happened to me.

Well...

Oh, it was nothing, Dad.

Nothing?

Dad, they were horsing a piano up to the third floor of a building, and the

table broke, and the piano fell down.

It was falling right on me.

Lord, Arnold, that is awful.

If Willis hadn't have pushed me out of the way, there'd have been an extra

key on that piano.

Willis, I'm proud of you.

Well, I won't even get minimum, but I'll have that. a thousand in about two

years.

No, I mean, I'm proud of you for saving Arnold's life.

Oh, yeah, that too.

Willis, man, how can I ever repay you? If it wasn't for you, I'd be done for.

Kaput. Finito.

I'm talking guest corpse on Quincy.

No way. I've got to repay you.

Anything you want, name it, and I'll do it.

Have you heard Willis? He doesn't expect anything in return.

Just like a hero.

Willis, I'm your servant for life.

Here you go, bro.

I made your favorite sandwich. Double everything and a lot of goo so it slides

down easy.

Thanks, but am I supposed to eat it or move into it?

How am I gonna get my mouth around that?

Make like you're a python eating a pig.

I got you a present, Mr. Life -Favor.

Oh, will you stop calling me that? And you bought me a present yesterday and

day before.

I don't want you blowing your whole allowance on me.

Open it. It's just a little token.

This is for the subway.

And Arnold, you really want to do something for me?

That's what I live for.

Stop bothering me. And quit doing things for me.

Okay.

If that's what you want, you got it.

But remember, I'm at your beck and call.

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Let me look you in the eyes and let you know, baby.

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This is bigger than my apartment.

So what about insurance, man?

I'm with you.

What do you mean?

Let me get some grown man insurance.

It's time to step up.

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You are in a relationship with running. A love -hate relationship.

Running kicks you out of a warm bed and into a cold, hard world.

Every day with running is a question of your commitment.

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pimples just looking at it.

That's the way he likes it. Did he say to make it that way?

Well, not exactly.

Exactly what did he say?

He said, get the heck out of here.

I thought this hot chocolate would cheer him up.

I don't know why, but Willis has been in a bad mood since he saved my life.

I know why. I'd like to talk to you about it.

You got a minute?

Can it wait, Dad? I gotta take this hot chocolate up to Willis. I'll take it,

Arnold.

Okay. But if it's too hot, tell him I'll be right up to blow on it.

That should make him very happy.

Got a problem I can help you with, Dad?

As a matter of fact, I do, Arnold.

It's about all the things you've been doing for Willis.

See, it isn't that he doesn't appreciate them, but he did say that you are

overdoing it just a bit.

He did?

More or less. Actually, what he said was that you're driving him wiggy.

Just because I'm doing things for him and buying him presents?

Arnold, you gotta stop. Okay, Arnold.

Okay, what's the big idea?

What? Not enough chocolate?

No, I mean my new shoes.

Look great, don't they?

Like the way I shined them? Yeah, they look just fine. What's wrong?

What's wrong is these black shoes used to be brown.

Arnold, how could you do that?

Me too.

I wanted to surprise Willis, so I shot him in the closet with the door shut.

Change. I should be back from the gym around four.

Well, that takes time, Mr. Kruger. Gotta keep those old muscles from sagging.

Well, now, these old muscles are in better shape than the ones in your head.

That's funny, boss.

Yeah, I got to run across the auto parts place. I'll be right back. Okay.

Hi, Willis.

What are you doing here?

I just came by to see if I could help you with anything.

I brought my skateboard in case I have to slide under a car.

Listen, I don't need your help.

Why don't you get lost?

I mean, you're going to spoil the good impression I'm making of my boss.

How can I spoil it?

You're going to help me right out of a job.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Lucky thing I'm in such good shape.

What's that skateboard doing here?

Get it out of here.

Yes, sir. This ain't no playpen.

Man, Arnold, you're going to get me fired.

I wouldn't do that.

Hey, look who's coming.

Hey, Dad.

Hi, son.

Wow.

What a surprise to see you.

Well, I just happened to be driving by, and I remembered that I need some new

blades for my windshield wipers.

Are you sure you just didn't come by to check up on me?

Of course I did.

Hey, you look good in your old clothes.

How you doing, son?

Well, I was doing great until guess who arrived, huh?

Hello, sir.

May I check under your hood?

Arnold, you promised you wouldn't bother Willis. I'm not bothering him. I'm

helping. Yeah, he nearly helped my boss into an ambulance.

May I clean your windshield?

Uh, no, you may not. It's free.

your wipers won't squeak.

Dad, do I need to say anything else?

Arnold, I want you to get right into this car.

What, Dad?

I'm going to count to three.

One, two... Like I was saying, home, Dad.

Oh, man, you should have been here.

Mr. Kruger stepped on my little brother's skateboard and landed on his

Just might have liked to miss that.

It's not funny.

I saved my little brother's life, but now I want to kill him.

Hey, you guys got a phone in this place?

Yeah.

Oh, it's over there on the wall. Oh, all right.

I just got to figure out a way to get Arnold off my case.

Well, that's simple. All you got to do is even the score.

What do you mean?

Well, he'll find out where there's a horse and a piano. This time, let him

you out of the way.

Hey,

that's it.

That's it.

Oh, where are you going to get a piano to fall on you?

I don't mean a piano.

I mean evening the score.

Letting him save my life.

How are you going to do that?

I don't know.

Hey, maybe I can... Every time I'm drowning, I don't know if he'll save me.

That's good.

No, he can't swim.

That's no good.

Listen, this is a gas station, right? Right. And what do they do at gas

stations? People buy gas.

People also hold up gas stations. Like with a gun.

Are you kidding, Willis?

Not at all, Mike.

We're going to have us a big hold up.

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Willis is down on me. Dad's down on me.

Even my goldfish is looking at me funny.

Oh, come on.

It's true.

He's been giving me the fish eye.

And all I've been trying to do is show Woolis how much I appreciate him.

Hi, Kimberly.

Hey, Arnold.

How's my favorite little brother?

You're talking to me.

Of course I am.

Hey, listen.

I'm sorry I got ticked off at you down at the garage, but you know how it is. I

was under pressure. You know, a new job and everything.

You forgive me, Arnie?

Arnie?

You've been sniffing empty gas cans.

Hey, how would you like to come down after school tomorrow to the garage and

give me a hand?

Run up on me again.

Run up on me again, too.

No, I really want you to come down.

That is, if you still want to help the guy who saved your life.

Do I still want to?

Does Orphan Annie want eyeballs?

Excuse me, gang. I got to put these things away.

Ellie, did you get that oil out of my work clothes?

Yeah, they're on top of the washing machine.

Congratulations, Arnold.

Your pants made the Guinness Book of World Filth.

Thanks. I'm going to try and beat my own record tomorrow.

and was driving you bananas down at the gas station.

Yeah, but after tomorrow, he won't be bugging me anymore.

Why not?

Well, you see, you know, Mike, the guy that worked me down at the gas station,

we're going to fix it so Arnold gets off my case.

Well, how are you going to do that?

Listen, keep this under your hat. You guys will love it. You see, Arnold never

met Mike.

So tomorrow, when our boss is away and Arnold comes over, Mike is going to

a fake holdup.

With a real gun?

No, with a fake gun, but it looks real.

You see, Mike is going to pretend to trip and he's going to drop the gun near

Arnold. Arnold's going to pick the gun up and Mike's going to pretend to panic

and run off.

Then Arnold will think he saved my life and we'll be even.

Willis, you're liable to scare Arnold to death.

That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Dumb?

Mike thinks I'm a genius.

I thought you said Mike wasn't too bright.

But don't forget, he's been exposed to me for three days.

Hey, Arnold, I've got to talk to you.

Can it wait?

Willis must be dirty from all his work, and I thought I'd run a bath for him.

Can I borrow some of your bubble stuff so you'll smell pretty?

Arnold, you're not going to want to run a bath for him when you hear what I've

got to say.

Now, don't you say anything against the greatest guy that ever lived.

You mean the greatest creep that ever lived.

Now, watch it. That's my brother you're insulting, and I'm too much of a

gentleman to bite your knee.

Look, Arnold, your terrific brother is going to play a really dirty trick on

you. He and a guy named Mike that he works with are going to stage a phony

-up to make you look like a hero.

Phony hold -up?

So if you think you saved Willis' life, then you guys will be even and you'll

quit bugging him.

Why, that dirty rat.

First he saves my life, and now he's taking all the fun out of not being big.

At least you don't have to go through with it now, Arnold.

Are you kidding?

I'm going to go through with it all right.

Only when they pull that gun on me, Willis is in for a surprise.

I'm going to make hash out of that turkey.

Is he still sulking?

No. Willis invited him to come down to the garage.

Didn't Kimberly tell you about that?

About what?

Uh -oh.

Come on, Adelaide. Out with it.

Well, I realize I'm an employee here, not family. And I don't have any right

butt into other people's business.

Of course, it never stopped me before.

That's true.

That you are like one of the family.

Thank you.

But do you think it's all right for a person to blab about, What, another

blabber was going to tell a potential blabber?

Could you be a little more specific?

How does a hold -up grab you?

Hold -up?

Adelaide, you better start blabbing.

Looks real, doesn't it?

I'll say.

Okay, I'll wait across the street. I'll give you a few minutes and then I'll

come over. Okay.

Reach for the sky!

How's my little brother?

Boy, I'm glad you invited me down here. And I know why you did it.

You do?

Yeah, because you love me so much.

Yeah, that's it.

Because I love you.

Hey.

Hi, kid.

How you doing? What can I do for you today?

Oh, well, I was just wondering if you could just stick them up.

You understand English, kid?

This is a gun.

Go climb a road.

Listen, Arnold, why did you let this brother hold this up so we don't hold

up and he can get out of here?

You don't scare me.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

That's it. That does it, kid.

Reach for the sky!

What the

hell are you guys doing here?

Hey, aren't you the guy that came to use the phone yesterday?

Yeah, what about it? Uh, nothing. You need some more change?

as Mike.

Huh?

He's Mike?

He's Mike?

Well, there's so many guys who got in on this crazy trick. I know all about it.

Arnold, this isn't a part of any trick.

The man's holding a real gun with real bullets.

What you talking about?

Somebody empty the cash register before I empty this gun.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, a guy your age, putting up a prank like

this.

I want to tell you something.

It's not only dumb, but it's dangerous to play with a gun, even if it is a

Yeah, but... No, Bob!

I don't feel like a hero. I feel like I need to sit down.

He doesn't have to. You saved our lives.

Dad, I'm going to wait on you.

Nothing but the...

Presentation, the overall feel. But this year, the spokesmodels were all 10.

I got Oswebill's phone number.

I'm taking him to dinner next year's show in Memphis.

Look at us, man. Two young men out and about in the world. We own our own

businesses. We're healthy. We're strong.

We still can't get these little bags of peanuts open.

You go ahead and clog your arteries if you want to. But as much as I love salt

-roasted peanuts, I'm passing on mine.

And you know why?

You make the little sacrifices now, it all pays off in your golden years.

Kansas City.

Man, next year we take the bus.

It's a neglected funny bone.

It's just gonna leave you alone while you sit inside your home.

Rush into the cockpit and take over the controls, my damn self.

Save everybody on the aircraft.

Clean the little children. The school bus, we almost hit.

Okay, well, allowing for the ESEF, the Eddie Sherman exaggeration factor, which

is also known as the ESBF.

I'd say you hit an air pocket, lost a little altitude, but then leveled off.

Exactly.

lot more fun.

Hey, but Eddie, you're keeping me in suspense.

Were you ever able to get the peanuts open?

Peanuts, no peanuts, exaggerating, telling the truth.

What difference does any of it make?

Why are any of us even here?

Well, the ancient Mayans, believe it or not, were just manifestations of each

other's perceived reality.

Could be, but how do you explain body odor?

thing have meaning anymore?

Not from where I sit.

Well, you need to grab another seat.

Life is good, man. Life is great. You know, I don't exactly like the idea of

women wrestling in the NBA.

But other than that, snap out of it.

I know exactly what's going on here. Two typical but opposing reactions to near

-death experiences.

See, Eddie, he feels like he's just climbed Mount Everest.

And Malcolm, well, he feels like he just fell off it.

You know, that's a good idea. I got a long weekend coming up.

I'm scaling Everest.

North Face.

Why do we even have...