Original subtitles

Good luck with your new car.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. And I'll see you all over there tomorrow.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Hey, Kurt, do you want me to help you move? When do you want me there? I don't

know, 9, 9 .15?

Cindy!

Wait up.

Excuse me, John.

Opportunity knock is... Hey, I just got a new apartment. Now,

I am going to give you... The address, but whatever you do, don't tell any of

the other women here in the center where I'm going to be living because I don't

want, you know, a thousand boards coming over there.

Here.

Read it.

Memorize it.

And then destroy it.

She's obviously a speed reader.

I gotta tell you, thanks again for helping me move. You're a good friend.

Yeah, good friend for the hernia.

What do you got in this damn bag, anyway?

My barbells.

You have me carrying your barbells? Hey, I work out. I don't need the exercise.

Here it is, 306.

Oh, please let it look like the guy told me it would.

Don't tell me you sublet an apartment site unseen?

Yeah, why not? I got a great deal because this guy had to leave town all

sudden. Okay, please.

It's perfect!

Yeah, nice. Pretty nice.

I'm gonna love this place. Look at the furniture. It's great.

I got a CD player.

What's up here?

Two bedrooms.

Two bedrooms, John.

Now I can have an extra babe warming up in the bullpen.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's perfect, especially since you're the strikeout

king.

Let me tell you, once they hear about this, I'm going to have broads flocking

this place.

Finally, I've got a broad flocking place.

occurred to you that we're in the wrong apartment?

It was the wrong apartment. The key was this.

Miss, Miss, Miss, can you hear me?

Can you hear me? If you can hear me, would you just knock once?

Miss,

look, don't be afraid. We're not going to hurt you.

We're not criminals.

That's right. We're not criminals.

As a matter of fact, my friend, he happens to be a very prominent educator.

And I happen to be the head of...

Warning you, this is hairspray.

Don't make me use it.

Move it, move it. Out of my apartment. Out, now. Go, out, now. Go.

I'm not going anywhere.

Look, miss.

No, you look, miss.

I want you both out of here.

Surprise!

There's more?

What are you, a band of gypsies?

Hey, don't look at me like that. This chick was here when I moved in.

Boy, when they say furnished, all I ever get is free gas and electric.

Look, I don't know why you people are here, but this is my apartment.

And the only person who is supposed to be here is me.

Listen, lady, I'll have you know, I rented this apartment from a guy named

Freddy Walker.

That's ridiculous. Freddy would not rent our apartment.

Are you his wife?

No. We live together.

Well, if you want to keep living together, I suggest you get on a bus for

because that's where he's going to be for the next six months.

Don't you think I would know if he moved to Denver?

His clothes would be gone.

His clothes are gone.

Wasn't he a man enough to dump me to my face?

Just as well.

Now I can wear my retainer to bed again.

I've got to give you credit. You're handling this quite well.

Thank you.

Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to not look at any of you.

What?

Okay, okay.

Uh, look, I know it hurts.

It hurts bad, but... You gotta stop crying, you know? You gotta pull

together, and you gotta get out of here!

Please, look! Have a little sympathy, a little sympathy!

Look, I'm sure there's been some kind of misunderstanding.

I'm Louise Mercer. Yes, and I'm John Lacey. And this is Mary Beth, Ben, and

Kate, and you've already met Kirk, of course, and you are?

Annie Marino.

Everybody!

Hi, Annie!

We all belong to a support group called the One -to -One Club. We meet every

Friday at the Rego Park Community Center.

You see, we've all been through breakups, too.

Why don't you come to a meeting?

You'll be glad you did.

I know it made me feel a lot better.

Oh, don't look at me.

I just brought the ficus.

Look, enough of this chit -chat. Annie, you're forcing me to call the landlord

and have you thrown out of here.

Great, you call the landlord to throw us both out.

It's illegal for Freddy to sublet this apartment.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I am not, never, no way going to leave.

Well, I'm not leaving.

I've got no place to go.

Well, what do you expect me to do?

Listen,

until you get this whole thing sorted out,

The apartment is big, and you do have two bedrooms here. Oh, no.

I do not want somebody else living here.

Besides, I don't have regular hours.

I'm an actress.

Well, if you're an actress, then act like you've got some place to go and get

the hell out!

I'm telling you, you're dreaming if you think that I'm going to let you in the

place. I'm sorry.

I have a receipt. I don't have it with me. I don't have it with me.

Excuse me!

What?

I'm not one to give advice, but I have found in all my years of living in this

crazy old world that even when things look dark, peace and harmony can bring

all together.

Thank you, John. Now wake me up when you get to the thousand points of life.

This is just great. Now I have a creep for a roommate. Yeah, well, I'm not too

happy about this arrangement either. Okay, look, this is the deal.

That's my bedroom. That one's yours. You make one move on me.

You're out of here.

Oh,

flatter yourself.

Not that desperate.

Then it's a deal?

It's a deal.

Fine. I'm going to my room.

Me too.

Okay, here's the problem.

Annie and I made a deal.

I make a move on her, I'm out on the streets.

I can't handle it.

John, what should I do?

Get out.

Are you crazy? And give up that great apartment?

Not that apartment. This one. Get out.

John, you gotta help me. You don't know what it's like.

Every night, I lie in bed.

I can hear her across the hall, breathing.

I can hear her every move, John. She's driving me crazy with her tossing and

turning.

I mean, I know when she's lying on her left side.

I know when she's lying on her right side. I even know when she's lying on

back. That's the move I have real problems with.

Kirk, I apologize. You really do need help.

If it wasn't so damn late, I would fly you to Lourdes.

I don't want to lose that apartment, but I can't think of anything else when

she's around.

Oh, when are you going to grow up? You're carrying on like some teenager.

Just because you're alone with a woman doesn't mean you have to act like some

sex -starved animal.

Oh, and you wouldn't. No, I wouldn't. Well, unless you want to lose that

apartment, you've got to stop thinking of Annie as a sex object.

How? Think of her as a person, a human being.

John.

She's a woman.

Kirk, a man and a woman can live under the same roof as friends. It doesn't

to be sexual.

You're killing me, John.

Kirk, I'm serious.

Why don't you just think of her as some other guy?

Oh, you knucklehead, come on.

I come over here for some serious advice, and all you want to do is clown

around.

Think of her as some guy.

you're going to sit up and shoot the breeze.

You know, guy talk.

If I'm going to shoot anything, it's going to be you.

Oh, that's a good one, buddy.

Oh, uh -oh.

Two for flinching.

Come on, come on. We're staff will crack walnuts with our biceps.

I'm going back to bed. No, no, no. Come here, come here. Look what I got for us.

I got ice cold beer. I got pretzels. I got beef jerky.

Got a big problem.

What?

Annie, I'm having a very difficult time with this arrangement.

What are you talking about?

You and me sharing everything in this apartment, but you... We had a deal.

I know, I know, but it's driving me nuts.

So I talked to John about it. right? He told me I should think of you as a guy.

Well, that only made things worse. I thought of you as a guy, and all I see

picture of you in a bra and a jockstrap.

I'm definitely going to bed.

No, no, come here, come here, come here, come here. What I'm trying to say is,

if we just sort of did it once...

You know, I mean, it's not like I'm in love with you or something.

Look, it's obvious we're going to have to do something about this.

Like what?

We're going to have to get it out of your system.

Are you serious?

There's no other way I can think of to get your mind off it. Great!

Your mattress or mine?

Yours.

Get sexy I'll be right in

That's okay.

I'll see you, Jerry.

Oh, dear.

Not the contact lens.

Let me help you find it.

Not the contact lens. Can you help us find it?

Louise, nothing juicy yet.

I was just saying that it's like my whole life I keep making the same

You know, if I see a stray dog or a cat in the street, I pick them up and take

them home.

And I'm the same way with guys.

I mean, I don't pick them up and take them home.

Okay, once.

But it's like I always pick these childish, self -centered idiots who are

afraid... a commitment.

The only thing that Freddy and I had in common is that we were both in love with

him.

And sure enough, he ran away with himself.

Guys like that make me sick.

When I'm with a woman, her pleasure comes second only to my own.

Women, the respect they deserve.

Yeah, yeah. New York is full of guys whose hormones are out of control. All

can think of is sex.

God, I love this town.

is going to give up on men for the rest of her life.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold on.

Annie, don't give up on us so quickly.

Maybe what you need is someone more mature. Someone you can lean on. Yeah,

get down on yourself.

You're a strong woman. You're an intelligent woman.

And you got real nice hair.

Annie, there is no reason for you to go through life all by yourself.

I mean, you got a lot to give.

You got a lot to offer a man. I mean, a real man.

Thank you, John.

That's nice to hear.

You're welcome.

I can't believe how nice everybody's being.

You care about me.

I already feel like part of the family.

Can I come next week?

Give me your address. I had to come over and tell you, John, you were so right.

I've been wasting my life with one immature idiot after another. But now,

to you, all that's going to change.

I don't know what I ever saw in Freddy.

Not only was he a child, but he never once tapped into my sexual potential.

I mean, not that I'm kinky or anything like that.

It's just that I believe that a woman should give a man all that she can give.

Really?

John, do you find me attractive?

Hmm? Uh, yeah, well... Good, because I find you enormously attractive.

You're so mature.

That's what's attractive about you. Your maturity.

Yeah, well, I guess I do have sort of a rugged look.

And I realize what you were trying to tell me tonight.

Excuse me?

When you said that I needed a mature man to lean on, you meant yourself, didn't

you? What?

Myself? No.

No, no, no, no.

No, I'm too old to lean on.

You're too young to lean.

What are you trying to say?

I'm saying there'll be no leaning.

Oh, my God.

I couldn't help it. You see, the Irish half of me was saying, go talk it over

with a priest.

But the Italian half of me was saying, go for the amore.

I'm going to talk it over with the priest.

It's not that I don't find you attractive.

I think you're very attractive.

But the last thing you need right now is a rebound relationship.

You know what I mean. Look, I'll just make some coffee and we'll talk, okay?

Why don't you just take off your coat and sit down?

I can't.

Well, of course you can.

No, I can't.

You see, I was in the shower when it occurred to me that you were the man

needed, so I just threw on my raincoat and came right over.

I'm not wearing anything underneath.

Nothing?

Nothing.

Would you excuse me?

No, no, no, this is not right. Not right. No, no, no, it's wrong. Wrong,

all wrong, all wrong.

I should be ashamed of myself for even thinking about it.

Says who?

Can't believe you said that.

Oh, come on.

She wants you.

No, she's much beyond, much beyond for me, much beyond.

Come on, you heard her.

She finds you enormously attractive.

No, no, no. She's a friend.

A lean -on. That's all. Just a friend.

Oh, what the hell? Let's mail her.

Let me help you up with that silly coat.

John, I've been thinking.

So have I.

You were so right.

You know about you needing someone more mature?

No, about us.

It has never worked.

Like you said, the last thing that I need right now is a rebound

I did say that, didn't I?

You are such a great guy.

Oh, somebody else might have taken advantage of this situation, but not

You're so supportive and understanding.

Yes. And you smell great, too.

Good night, Tom.

Um, uh, Annie, listen.

If you, uh, want to talk to someone later, uh, feel free.

Um, little voice tells me I'll be up all night.

I was wondering if maybe I could, you know, stay here. No, no, no, you're not

staying here. One night. One night.

John,

you don't understand.

I cannot live with that woman anymore.

The night she came home wearing a raincoat, my mind started racing.

I'm sure she had nothing on underneath.

You're disgusting.

I'm sorry.

I'm not like you. I don't have your willpower and your self -control.

So please, John, could I just stay here? No, no, no, not here. Would you be a

friend? No, not tonight. Help me out. No, no, no, no.

What?

I don't have to stay here.

There are hundreds of very beautiful ladies out there who would love to have

as their house guest for the evening. What am I talking about? Hundreds.

Thousands. Good. Go to them. Bye. Good night.

Oh, yeah.

Now what? Do you happen to have Mrs.

Philbitt's phone number?

Coming up next, it's an all -new episode of Reasonable Doubt. And a friend's

death drives Dickie to revenge.