Original subtitles

By the time...

Dear John is filmed before a studio audience.

Okay.

So, I am like sweating bullets.

I mean, it's pitch black.

I'm crawling along on my belly, inches from the front.

But here is the part you've all been waiting for.

So it is, nine o 'clock. Good night, everybody.

Okay, bye.

But that is the last time I try and teach you guys how to sneak into a

about tonight.

Oh, yeah, and then, what do you say we head over to Clancy's?

Oh, listen, everybody, I'm going to have to skip Clancy's tonight. I've got to

wake up early and take my kids to a soccer game in Jersey tomorrow morning.

game, huh?

Yeah, well, it is for me, Ralph.

He promised to score a goal for me because it's my birthday.

What are you... Why didn't you mention something about it being your birthday

earlier? We could have had a little celebration.

Last year when I turned 45, I decided that was my last birthday.

As far as I'm concerned, this is just another day.

John, you can't ignore your birthday.

Yeah, if you live to be 100, how are you going to prove it to Willard's son?

Well, thank you for your concern, everybody, but don't worry about me. I'm

to have a great day with Matt, get home just in time to watch the 6 o 'clock

news, make myself some dinner, turn on a little Sinatra, and soak in a nice hot

tub. Well, it reminded me of my 40th birthday.

I hopped into a hot tub.

Turned on Tommy Dorsey.

I tried to turn on Jimmy, too, but he was such a prude.

John, look, I really hate the thought of you spending tomorrow night all alone.

Yeah, are you sure we can't take you out to dinner or something?

Or at least come over to my place for a drink.

I just said that...

Oh, now I get it.

Sure, I come over to your place for a drink, and all you pop out from behind

furniture yelling, Surprise!

Really? John, believe me, a surprise party was the last thing on our minds.

Oh, really?

Good, well, that's just the way I want it.

See you all next week.

John over to your place.

Oh, great.

Now can I spend the last two weeks making confetti?

Well, why don't we just have the party at John's?

What are you talking about?

You heard him. He's not going to be back from the soccer game till six o 'clock.

We get over there by five. We put out the food. We throw up a couple of

balloons. We're there when he gets home.

Yeah, and how do you propose we get in?

We'll use my key.

John gave you the key to his apartment? Not exactly.

He loaned me one, one time, so I could watch the Knicks game, and I made myself

a spare.

Why? Why?

I didn't want to keep bothering him in case the Knicks made it to the playoffs.

Well, I hate to admit it, but I think Kirk's got a good idea. Oh, this is

to be a smashing party.

John's going to be totally surprised.

Yeah, especially after he sees how he had his antique watch fixed up. Oh,

speaking of which, now that John's gone, let's have a look at it. Can I look?

Oh, um, well, about the watch.

Oh. You didn't remember to pick it up at the jeweler, did you? Hey, I've got a

life, you know. I had a couple things to do, but by the time I got to the jewel

list, they were closed.

Oh, splendid, coach. Just splendid.

God, it is fascinating the way you can screw up even the simplest task.

Not nearly as fascinating as the way your skirt rides up when you're shitting

around in your chair.

Just nuts. Made you look. Made you look.

Oh, good. You're still here. Hi, everybody.

Listen, I was wondering if you people had some paper plates I could borrow

my overeaters group.

You'll find what you need in the store and help yourself, dear.

Now, listen up, you chowderhead.

First thing tomorrow morning, you'll be down at that... We can't turn up at

John's tomorrow night and not give him his watch.

Yeah. Why are you giving John a watch?

Oh, shoot.

There I go again.

Knows an entire other people's business. I'm sorry.

Now that I've apologized, why are you giving John a watch?

Well, tomorrow's John's birthday, so we snuck this antique watch out of his

apartment and we're having it repaired as a surprise gift. You should see this

watch, Denise.

We should all see it. this watch.

It's been in John's family for ages.

It belonged to his great -grandfather, and it's been handed down to the men in

the family from generation to generation.

So there's my cousin Wilma.

Oh, God love her.

Everybody else did.

Exactly a bash, dear. You know, just a little surprise party.

You know, a group thing.

Oh, I see.

A group thing.

As in, uh, Denise's not invited thing. Well, Denise. That's just fine. I mean,

you just go off and have your little group thing. Denise. I actually got

things to do with my time. Denise, shut up and be at John's place tomorrow at

five.

How thoughtful.

I'll bring the dip. Oh, don't bother.

Kirk already has a ride.

Here we are.

Anyway, I just moved out here from Red Willow, Nebraska.

Nebraska?

What a coincidence.

I just got back from Omaha.

Really? Yeah. Have you got family back there? Well, sort of. The Strategic Air

Command.

CIA. No, no, I just had those business cards printed up so I could lure

young girls up to my apartment.

Okay, speaking of which, welcome to my humble abode.

Oh, it's not much. It's just a kitchen, a bedroom.

John!

You really think you might be able to help me find a job?

Positive. But first, I have to give you a little aptitude test just to see what

areas you excel in.

And I kind of got a hurry because I need to have you out here by five. By five?

Hey, if I can't place you in a really exciting position by then, I'll consider

myself a failure.

Can I ask you a question? Sure.

Why is...

to John Lacey.

Oh, oh, well, that's just the cover.

You know, sometimes I'm John Lacey, sometimes I'm Kirk Morris, sometimes I'm

just plain Agent 42.

It makes buying stationery a living hell.

I was so lucky to run into you outside that jewelry store. I know, I know. It

was so lucky that I was having my antique watch repaired.

Oh, isn't it beautiful? Yeah.

Isn't it?

Bedroom.

It's been in my family for years.

Naked?

Oh, it must be worth a fortune. Oh, it's priceless.

Bedroom.

It's a gift.

Oh, curtsy.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Betsy, sweetheart, it's not for you.

That's what you think, creep.

What?

Oh, hello, Mrs. Spencer.

Oh, hello, John. How are you?

Believe me, you don't want to know.

I get up at 5 o 'clock this morning and rent a car to drive my son 65 miles to a

soccer game in Jersey. On the way over, we have a flat. So now we show up late,

but it doesn't matter because it starts raining so hard they call the game off.

So now my son and I run back to the car, which is locked with the keys inside.

The only way my son can stay dry is to hold this little box over his head.

on, I find out that's the chocolates he bought me for my birthday.

Look at this. It's only 2 .15, and already it's the worst day of my life.

You're right.

I didn't want to know.

Oh, no!

No!

Why me?

This sketch looked like your attacker, Mr. Morris.

No, no.

Besides, I told you. The guy who attacked me was huge.

Look, it's 6 '4", 6 '5". 6 '11". And he had more of a killer look.

Oh, my God, Kirk. He could have really hurt you.

I know. I'm very lucky.

No, no, no. The forehead's wrong.

This is it right here. Right here. This is the big guy's forehead.

Officer, please. My poor friend's been through hell today.

Are you sure you're really up to all these questions?

No, but I want to help.

You need anything, Kurt?

No. Well, could you maybe just fluff up my pillows again, John?

Say, Mr.

Morris, how'd you get into Mr. Lacey's apartment?

You got a key?

Of course not. He just told you. He came over here to drop off the $100 that I

had loaned him. Then this ghoul opened the door and attacked him. Excuse me,

John. The ghoul got your $100, too.

Now, don't you worry about that.

I'm just glad that you're still alive.

I better check my bedroom to see if anything's missing.

Does this look any closer?

No. No, the eyes were bigger. And they looked like they'd spent a lot of time

prison.

Here, these are the eyes. Right here.

I'm telling you, I was fighting for my life with this guy.

The chin was broader.

More like the grill on a 68 Buick.

Here. This is it. Right here.

I mean, if the guy had fought fair, I would have cleaned his clock, right?

But... That's him.

This is him.

Exactly.

Congratulations.

You're the first guy on the block to be mugged by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Oh, well, that's kind of hard to tell.

He was wearing a mask.

Oh, damn, look at this.

Got my college ring, the cufflinks that my kid gave me for Christmas.

Oh, no.

He got my antique watch.

Oh, no, not the watch.

Hey, was the watch valuable?

Yes, it was to me. It's been in my family for generations.

I promised it to my son when he turned 21. Well, there goes that plan.

Well, Mr. Lacey, I think we've got all the information we can get here tonight.

You know, it might be a good idea if you had some bars put on that window.

Bars?

Bars? Is that what we've come to?

No, no, no. I'm not going to be a prisoner in my own home.

I'm not the criminal here. I will not put bars on my windows.

Okay, it's just that 70 % of the burglars return to the scene of the

Well, then again, a few ferns in front of the bars.

Yeah, that'd be quite attractive.

I'll leave you my card.

We'll be in touch. Thank you. Hey, guys, let's be careful out there.

Kirk, I just want to tell you how much I appreciate your risking your life.

I just wish I could have done more.

Nah, forget it. Listen, can I get you anything?

Yeah. Okay.

Oh, maybe just a club soda.

Okay. The kind with the little bubbles, not the big ones.

And, John, maybe some crushed ice.

Oh.

in a big glass.

I don't know what it is, but every time some big guy hits me over the head with

a lamp, I get really thirsty.

There you go, pal. Oh, thanks, John.

So this guy that attacked you was really big, huh? Oh, humongous. Like a redwood

on steroids.

Yes.

Good thing. Otherwise, people might tease him for having such a high voice

name like Betsy.

Betsy? Yeah, the woman who beat you up and got my watch.

Oh, that Betsy. Yeah, she just called. She thought I was you.

You lied to me, Kirk.

It was a woman who did all this.

Okay, so I left out a few details.

A few details?

A few details? Knowing you, you probably brought her up here to seduce her. How

could I be so stupid?

Oh, puff up my pillows. Get me a little club soda. I'd like to crush more than

just your ice.

Okay, I lied.

But I did it for you.

I didn't want to spoil the surprise.

What surprise?

The group chipped in to have your antique watch fixed as a birthday

you. And when I went by the jewelry store to pick it up, I saw Betsy waiting

outside. So I thought I'd pick up a little something for myself.

So now, thanks to you, I have to buy back my own watch from a thief.

What? She obviously knew it had some sentimental value, so now she's willing

give it up for $500.

All right, John!

Are you a lucky guy or what?

What?

She says I better get the money quick. She's calling back in a half an hour. In

a half... Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Your bank is nearby, right?

Yeah. Why? It's two blocks away, so? Good. You got us into this. I'm going to

give you a chance to buy your way out. I want you to go to that bank, and I want

you to get me the $500.

Okay. You got it, John. Least I can do.

Oh, there's just one thing. What? I need a check for $500.

Uh,

uh, who is it? The red dog barks at midnight.

Well, did you get the money? Yeah. Did Betsy call back yet? No, and I'm worried

about that. Well, maybe she lost track of time. How could she? She's got my

watch.

It's Betsy.

What? She said she would call first. Well, so she lacks breeding. What are we

going to do? No, no, no. Relax, relax.

I got a plan.

Okay. I hope it works out for you. No, no, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You just let her in.

I will hide in the closet. Will you get the watch back?

I'll jump out. We got a trap. You understand?

Okay. Good plan.

Are you sure the watch is that important?

Open the door!

All

right.

You got the money?

Yeah. I got the money.

You got the watch?

Right here.

Huh?

Okay. I got the watch. You got the money. Now what?

Okay.

Hold it right there.

Who's the old man?

I am the old man whose watch you stole. Now you sit right here, sister. You tell

her, John.

What are you doing?

I'm calling the police.

You should have thought of that before you pulled this little spunk.

Hello, this is an emergency. I want to report... I want to... I want to... All

right, I'll hold on.

You're going to have to go down there and tell them what happened here. And

it was this girl who beat you up.

You... I got to tell them that?

You bet you do. Come on. Well... John.

Maybe we ought to think this over a little bit.

Hello, this is John Lacey. I'd like to speak to Officer... Officer... Oh, yes.

I'll hold on.

John.

It's your birthday.

Why don't you let this poor girl go?

You'll feel better. You'll sleep better. It'll be better. Oh, come on. You don't

care about this poor kid. The only one you're worried about is yourself.

You're just afraid that everybody's going to find out that it was a little

like this that beat you up, right? Yeah. Well, can you blame me?

This is the kind of thing that the newspapers have a field day with.

Yes, I know. I can just see the headlines.

Woman whips wimp.

Come on. Will you give me a break?

This is all your fault anyway. None of this would have happened if it weren't

for your stupid birthday.

You are some piece of work. You bring this girl up to my apartment and then

blame me?

Please don't be too hard on Kirk.

little Vanessa till I get out of prison.

Do you think I could use the phone so I could hear a little voice just one more

time? No, no, no.

It's okay. It's okay.

I don't know why I'm doing this, but I won't turn you in.

Wait to see John's face when I take his picture and we, uh, surprise him. Yeah,

I bet we really get him this year.

No, no, Kirk must already be here.

Oh, yeah, I wonder what's going on.

Oh, my God!

Well,

I called the police, gave them a total description of Betsy.

We put your birthday cake in the freezer so that all you have to do...

sorry your birthday turned out like this, John.

Yeah, well, you know, it wasn't so much losing the money, but the watch.

That really kills me.

Hopefully the police will get it back.

Oh, I know.

But us taking you out to dinner will help you keep your mind off of things.

Yeah. Yeah. Right, right.

I'll just get my coat. Okay.

Sure. Oh, good night, Kurt.

Don't wait up.

Hi,

I'm Kevin Bacon.

Valentine's Day is just around the corner, so cuddle up with your loved one

someone else's loved one and watch me host Saturday Night Live with In Excess.

How do some Brazilian merchants deal with street kids?

They have them killed.

I'm Tom Brokaw. We'll go inside Brazil's ring of death squads on expose Sunday.

In the still of the night

I held you, held you tight

You guys need a lot of work.

Us? Well, no, it's getting there. But you've got to give me more soul.

We're never going to win that contest if your shooby -doos lack conviction.

I thought our shooby -doos were quite cool.

Well, they were.

They were. But, unfortunately, Clancy's isn't handing out any $500 prizes for

quite good. We have to be great.

And we can be. Come on.

Surprise! Remember, you're Kirkettes.

Kirkettes! I hate that! Since when do you get to pick the name? Well, whose

was it that did us get this in the first place? Yours. And I thought it might be

fun, so I let you be lead singer and act important.

But I am not a Kirkette.

I will never be a Kirkette. And if you ever again refer to me as a Kirkette, I

will personally ensure that you are the last of your illustrious line.

Meaning? A swift kick that'll make you a Kirkette.

Now, now, Kate, I don't think that will be necessary.

No, but it might help him with his high notes.