Original subtitles

Have any idea why I asked to see you?

You don't?

Well, let me just start by saying I am not a prude.

But you two have got to stop groping each other in class.

Now, I know what you're going through.

It's hormones.

I understand.

You're just full of them.

I mean, I used to be full of them myself.

But as you get older, they thin out a little bit.

So, kids, when you get this sudden hormone surge, could you just think of

something that will turn you off?

Like my English class?

You understand?

Good. Excuse me.

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Dr. Hendricks.

Yes, I know, the, uh... Yes, the drama club is going to England, yes.

What?

Me?

Chaperone? The drama club in England?

I would love to.

Yes, four o 'clock in your office. I'll be there. Thanks.

So, kids.

Did you get the gist of what I was saying?

Definitely. Good.

See you in class.

Thanks, Mr. Lacey. Okay. See you later.

Am I a born chaperone or what?

Dear John, film before a snooty old audience.

John, a week in England. I'm green with envy.

Yes, I'm very excited about this.

And when the students leave to come home, I get to spend an entire weekend

by myself in this rustic little bed and breakfast in Wales.

Oh, that sounds great, John.

Oh, I'd love to find a little out -of -the -way place where I could spend a

weekend curled up on an old brass bed covered with a goose -down quilt.

Hey, Red?

Let's say I knew of a little place like that.

What would it take to get you there with me?

Chloroform.

I'll check my medicine cabinet.

Very good, Kirk. Now, if you'll just zip up your mind, we can get on with the

meeting.

Well, if it's all right with everyone, I have something I'd like to discuss.

Certainly, Kate. What is it?

Well, lately, it seems that when I talk to people, they don't seem to pay

attention to what I'm saying. Like yesterday, I was just...

Today's I. Never mind.

I suppose you all have seen this dumb article in the Regal Park Register about

the community center.

No, we haven't, Denise.

It mentions every group in a building except my overeaters anonymous group.

do they leave us out?

Beats me. Usually, fat people are the hardest ones to miss.

Chill out, Bones. You don't need me all over you. You have enough problems with

that jacket.

Excuse me.

Could we get back to what I was talking about?

you were talking about?

About how I have this feeling that people don't notice me.

I'll tell you what works for me.

Fluorescent sequins and a little paste.

Mrs. Filbert.

Mrs. Filbert, I'm not about to paste sequins on my clothes.

Did I say clothes?

Sorry, Kate. Go ahead.

Well,

I guess I have this fear of becoming like my father's cousin, Sophie.

She's a sweet lady, but nobody ever listened to a word she said. And lately,

that seems to be... Hi.

Can we help you?

Happening to me.

Is this the one -to -one club?

Yes, dear. And I'm the group leader, Louise Mercer. And you are?

Do you really have to know my name?

Oh. I like this chick.

Excuse me a moment. I'll

be right back, everyone.

Ralph?

You'll have to forgive Ralphie. He hasn't really been himself the past 32

What in the world is going on here?

Louise.

I'm sorry.

Am I interrupting something?

Well, actually, I was just talking about how sometimes people don't even know or

care who I am. Does that ever happen to you? Oh, my God, it is you.

I guess not.

Wait a minute.

I know who you are.

Brooke.

TV. I've done films, too.

You sure did.

Desperate Measures in 1973.

the details of my private life from leaking out to the public. But now that

all know who I am, maybe I'd better just go.

No, no, no. Please don't be silly. You have nothing to worry about. Yes, yes,

yes, that's right, that's right. Whatever is said in this room stays in

room. Right, everybody?

You promised you won't reveal to anybody else that I was here. Rob,

I could use somebody to talk to.

I'm going through a very painful divorce.

You and David split up?

Yes. After 12 years of marriage.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry.

It's just that what I did to our marriage is unforgivable.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're really being too harsh. on yourself.

Yes, dear.

Oftentimes in divorces, we blame ourselves for something we shouldn't.

don't we see if we can get to the root of the matter?

Well, I have this problem with... I can't. Really, I can't. Oh, no, no, no.

Trust me. You'll feel a lot better if you just get it off your chest.

Well, I have an addiction.

You see, it also... started when my series was cancelled.

I don't know if it was anger or a feeling of inadequacy, but I... Even

knew that I was ruining my marriage, I just couldn't stop.

What is it you're addicted to, Brooke?

I think there's a very important question that needs to be asked at this

What is that?

Your place or mine.

This lady will have a sherry, and I'm going to have a beer.

Ah, same.

Oh, the waiter.

Yeah. I would like a white wine spritzer, not too much seltzer, and if

it, a slice of lemon.

copies of the Rego Park Register for my family back in England. They're going to

be so impressed.

Wow, you know, it's not every day you mention in the paper.

Right. The last member of our family who got their name in print was dear old

eccentric Uncle Trevor.

He was arrested for fondling a swan in Hyde Park.

Boy, if I could just get Brooke to come down to my toll booth, it would be the

biggest... happens is we got that electronic slug detector.

No, no, no. Ralph, Ralph, Ralph. You can't tell anybody.

Brooke wants to protect her anonymity.

Oh, right.

Brooke, Brooke, Brooke, Brooke, Brooke.

Is Brooke all we're going to talk about tonight? Oh, no, no. Of course not. No,

no, no. Sorry, Kate.

Good, because as I was trying to explain earlier, I'm having this... I can't

believe it.

John, those jerks at the electric company turned off my lights just

owe them 127 bucks.

You got any of this?

Yeah, why don't you get some candles?

Get serious, John. Where am I going to find a church open at this time of

Oh, there you are, Brooke. Are you feeling better?

Oh, she's fine.

Oh, yes, I must be. I haven't cried in at least an hour. And I have you people

to thank for it. I want to thank each and every one of you.

Would anyone mind taking a little time to listen to my problem? Thank

you. Because as I was... Excuse me.

What about my drink?

You ordered something?

am. I just picked up my plane tickets. In ten days, I'll be walking down the

same cobblestone streets that William Shakespeare walked.

Whoa, talk about your major blood rush.

John, I am so jealous.

Well, as I said, Louise, is there anything I can bring back for you? Oh,

John. I wouldn't dream of imposing.

Okay.

Grey's Apothecary. It's only in Chichester, which is about 90 miles

London. Sure to ask for Felicity. She's the only one who knows bitly about

cucumber lotion.

And if they're out of it there, you can go down the road to Brighton. Louise,

Louise, this is quite a list. I know.

And, you know, those customs people can be real pains.

Oh, and how. I just hate when they go through your personal items.

Yeah, and good luck finding one who'll give you a decent strip search.

Brooke, what's wrong?

What's wrong?

You get me to bare my soul, then you get me to go to that bar so that you can

call that despicable tabloid and get them to sneak in a photographer.

Brooke, what on earth are you talking about?

This article in the National Intruder.

Sex addict Brooke Collins and her new boy toy?

Oh, how could they do this?

Yeah. It's one thing to find a three -headed camel, but to get a picture with

all three faces smiling at once.

Ralph,

Ralph, the story about John, may I? Oh.

Oh, will you just listen to this garbage?

Former TV star Brooke Collins is confessing her sex addiction to the 121

divorce group in Rego Park.

A reliable inside source reveals after bet -hopping her way through all of show

business, Collins' latest bunk hunk is Drake Prep English teacher John Lacey.

Drake Prep?

They mentioned my school? Oh, that's great.

This is disgusting.

They mentioned everybody in the group except me.

Well, knock me over with a cream puff.

It's all... Always you quiet ones, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, please, please.

Denise, I got a problem.

You've got a problem?

I finally get Orlando to forget about our group not being mentioned in the

article, and now he sees this?

Would it have killed you people to tell the intruder that Overeaters Anonymous

meets right down the hall?

Denise, you couldn't possibly think that we had anything to do with that pack of

lies.

on which one of you is the reliable inside source.

Personally, I think it's the pretty one with too much mascara.

Well,

see ya.

In her own delicate way, Denise raises a rather disturbing

thought. One of us... Us in this room must be the reliable inside soul. Yes,

Louise, yes, you got that right.

And I would like to know who it is.

How about who in this group would do a horrible thing like that?

What?

Oh, come on!

I am really wounded.

One good reason why I would want to do a hatchet job on my pal John.

It says in there that the intruder pays $1 ,000 for the lead on a story.

Oh. Yeah. Like I need $1 ,000.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Before you condemn me, I think you ought to listen to this.

Brooke Collins and her latest heartthrob, John Lacey, met at the One

Club, a support group led by Louise, not Louis Mercer.

What are you getting at? Well, I just think it's kind of interesting that a

certain publicity hound got her name spelled correctly this time.

Louise.

feel invisible when Brooke joined the group.

Who was that?

It was me, dammit!

Well, looks like we have a confession.

No, I meant it was me who felt invisible.

And while we're pointing fingers, let's not forget little Miss Harmony Grits.

She's the unemployed writer. I wouldn't be surprised if she'd do anything to get

a job at the intruder. Well, she does have a point, Mary Beth. Yeah?

could one of you have done this? One of us? John, how do we know you didn't

plant that story? Oh, come on, Kate.

Why would I let them put my picture on the front page?

So if you got caught, you could say, oh, come on, why would I let them put my

picture on the front page?

I wasn't born yesterday, you know.

the guilty party steps forward and confesses right now I won't have

more to do with this group.

Very well.

I'll just pick up my coffee mug and be on my way.

Now, John, don't let's be hasty. I agree with John.

What's the sense of being part of a group where you can't even trust

Really, Mary, but this is getting out of hand.

I don't need this group either.

Please, can't...

Shame here. I'm with you, Red. Come on, let's go try and sort this thing out.

Put our heads together, and if that doesn't work, we'll put our bodies

Wait for me.

Mr. Lacey.

All right, Brad. What is it?

You have made me so proud.

Yes, well, I'm afraid I would have to disappoint you, Brad. Because the fact

the matter is, I hardly even know Brooke Collins.

All right, John. Next you'll be telling me they airbrushed the smiles on the

three -headed camel.

Good morning, John. Good morning, Dr.

Ted Master Hendricks, my, uh, it looks like you've lost some weight, sir.

Well, actually, I've, uh, put on a few pounds. And may I say, in all the right

places.

And, uh, what do you think of this article, sir?

Extremely distasteful. My feelings exactly.

Look, I know how these tabloids exaggerate. And if it were solely up to

still be sending you to England to chaperone the drama club.

Wait a minute. Are you saying that I'm not going? I'm sorry, but... Too many

parents have been complaining about that article.

I know my mother was appalled.

Dr. Hendricks, I've been looking forward to that trip.

John, let me be blunt.

The situation is even worse than that.

The school board is going to be asking for your dismissal unless you sign this

statement promising that you won't be seeing this Collins woman again.

Wait a minute.

First you take away my trip, and then they can tell me who I can socialize

In a manner of speaking.

Yeah, well, in a manner of speaking, I think this stinks.

And you can tell the board that I don't appreciate them trying to push me

around. And you can also tell them that John Lacey will see whomever he wants,

whenever he wants.

You know, John, you remind me of me in my youth.

I used to take bold stands for my rights.

Had morals. I had scruples.

God, I was an ass.

What did I just do?

I'm risking my job so that I can continue to see a woman I've never even

out with.

Wait a minute. What are you saying, John? You mean there's nothing going on

between you two?

No, of course not. I don't even have her phone number.

John, you have got guts.

Standing up to Hendricks like that? Well, well, that was different. It was a

matter of principle. Right. I mean, you took a stand.

You told him, John Lacey will not be pushed around.

And I think when this is all over, you're going to have earned the school

board's respect for that.

You really think so?

Absolutely. Bet my life on it.

By the way, John, if I'm wrong, could I have your office?

question.