Original subtitles

By the time you

is filmed before a studio audience.

And when this guy from work asked me out, even though he's a prize catch, I

to say no.

Oh, all right. So I'm not the only prize catch you turned down.

I'm afraid if I went out with you, I'd catch more than a prize.

Anyway, you see, I have this rule I always follow. I never date anyone I

with. Me neither.

In fact, us toll collectors down at the tunnel have a saying.

Never drop your coins in the company slot.

Well, I agree.

I refuse to date anybody I work with.

Mary Beth, may I remind you, you are currently unemployed.

I know.

And it's opened up a whole new world for me.

Mary Beth, don't you think that... Oh, good. Well, you're here.

I just wanted to make sure I didn't forget to give you this. Ah.

Didn't anyone ever teach you how to knock?

You want to knock?

Okay, you're ugly.

Hey, hey, hey. House painting by Henry. Thank you very much, Denise.

Henry's good, he's reasonable, and he's my cousin. Well, now, he's not my first

cousin. He's my second cousin, but he is my cousin. You know, painting runs in

the family. Did I mention his daddy was a painter? Well, he was. Now, if you

want a discount, you just mention my... name. And now, if that doesn't work, you

just tell Henry I know where he really was two weekends ago when he told his

wife he was fishing with the guy.

Well, I gotta get back to my overeaters group.

Did I mention I lost 90 pounds?

Too bad none of it was in your tongue.

I know. I talk too much. But you breathe too much. I'll stop if you will.

See ya.

Oh, just my living room and bedroom.

You only have a living room and bedroom.

I guess I'm having my apartment painted.

Well, John, you need a painter and you didn't come to me?

Oh, come on, Kirk.

What, has suddenly you become a house painter?

Yeah. Right, like I'm gonna risk getting latex on these hands.

No, no. A friend of mine is a painter. John, you give this guy a roller and a

brush, he's a regular show pan.

Kirk, sh...

He's not a painter.

I know that.

But how do you think he made his living before his songs hit the charts?

He's not the voice of Milli Vanilli for nothing.

Okay, Kurt. Okay, does your friend have a card? No, he doesn't have a card,

John, because he does it on the side. Well, then forget it. I'm not hiring

anybody who's not a professional painter. He is a professional, John. His

-time job is painting the runways at the airport.

Oh, come on, Kirk. That's just painting a bunch of straight lines.

Hey, John.

You put enough of those straight lines together, you got your apartment

So how about it? Come on. Well, I'll send my buddy over tomorrow to give you

estimate. Okay, okay, okay. An estimate, yeah. But could you make it in the

morning? I've got my mother coming to town in the afternoon. Got it. Your

mother? Yeah.

She's going to spend a few days with me. Oh!

Be careful, John.

Last year, my mom came to stay with me for a few days, and she wasn't there

than an hour before she started in with the orders.

Don't sit so close to the television. Don't play ball in the house. Don't jump

on the sofa.

I don't have to worry about that with my mom.

She lets you jump on the sofa?

No, no, no, no. I mean, my mom and I get along beautifully.

You know, she's in her 70s. This woman is so full of energy.

Well, we'd love to meet her.

Why don't you bring her to our meeting next week? Oh, yeah.

Well, you know, I think she'd love that. You know, whenever we get together, we

just keep running out of things to do.

Well, we could take her to see the skaters at Rockefeller Center.

Or tea at the plaza.

Or I could take her for an evening on music and dance.

Okay. Does she like to stuff dollar bills into jockey shorts?

See, I've been painting ever since I was a small boy, just like my dad. Did I

tell you my daddy was a painter, too?

Well, he was.

I remember when he sat me on his knee, he said, You got Lucite in your blood,

Nathaniel. See, Nathaniel, that's my real first name, but since that's my

daddy's name, too, I go by Henry, that's my middle name. So when you call and

say you're a friend of Denise, I say, Henry, you better get over there and

out what kind of painting job that man needs.

I tell you, Denise, we're cousins.

You didn't have to.

You got the estimate done yet?

Oh, yeah, right, right. Okay, this is all it's going to cost you for the

and the living room. That's it.

$900? Well, that's a little steep.

Denise said if I mention her name, you might give me a discount.

Oh, no, man. I can't give her no discounts. Come on.

She also said if that didn't work, I should mention something about a fishing

trip you took two weeks ago.

All right, make it $3 .50.

You must have caught a big one.

So I guess I'll hear from you then, right? I got another bid to get. Can I

you by Saturday?

Make it Monday. Next weekend, I'm going fishing.

Hi. Is Kirk in?

Who's this?

His houseboy.

Look, Kirk,

it's me, John. It's not a collection agency.

Listen, you can tell your painter friend I just got a bid of $350.

Yeah, that's right.

So would you have him give me a call?

Oh, by the way, Kirk, you do a lousy Chinese accent.

Oh, Cambodian. I'm sorry, my mistake.

Later, later.

Mom! Hi, Johnny!

Oh, are my arms getting shorter or are your lunch breaks getting longer?

Come here, come here.

So how was your drive, Mom?

I took the bus. You took the bus? Why?

I don't drive anymore.

You're kidding. Why not?

Last month, I came close to running over a cat.

Well, that could happen to anybody.

This cat was sleeping in the pet store window.

Oh, that's terrible. That's terrible. So I sold the car to Maureen Bowman.

Well, as long as you're okay, Ma. Listen, we got to get you settled in

we got to get rolling here.

I mean, I thought we'd grab a bite and take in a movie.

Why don't we go right to Manhattan and hit a few museums? The only thing I want

to hit right now is the sack.

I'm tired. Yeah, yeah, sure. We can do the museums tomorrow.

We'll see.

Hi, you want some coffee?

Oh, great, great.

So how long can you stay before you have to go back home?

Well, actually, Johnny, I was thinking of not going home.

Not going home.

You see, there's something I want to talk to you about.

I've been living alone for a lot of years now.

And I think it's time I made a change in my life.

Mother, Mom, listen, don't get me wrong.

It's always a lot of fun when you come to visit, but you and me living

I mean, I know we used to live together, but that's when I was a boy and you

were my mother. I mean, I know you're still my mother and I'm still your boy.

But I'm a big boy now and you're a big mother. And two of us are big people

living in this tiny apartment. It would be a very big mistake.

Relax, Johnny. I'm not moving in with you.

Okay. But you know, you're always welcome.

Living alone is boring.

That's why I need someone around to... Oh.

Oh, what am I thinking about?

Go ahead, tell me, who is he? Where did you meet? When are you getting married,

Ma? Slow down, John. Your mother's not getting married.

You're not?

No. Oh, well, look, Mom, I understand. I mean, this is the 90s, and if you two

kids want to live together, that's your problem.

I'm not planning to live with a man.

Thank God, because I don't approve of the 90s.

Look, darling, I've decided to give up my apartment and move into Blue Sky

Manor. Blue Sky, Ma, this is a rest home.

It's not a rest home. It's a retirement home. Oh, come on. I don't care what you

call it. What do you want to move into a place like this?

Ma, you're not sick, are you? No, I'm not sick.

I'm old.

Oh, come on. What are you talking about? You're not old.

I'm old enough to know what's best for me. Now read the brochure.

Blue Sky Manor, located on two beautiful acres outside Hackensack. Oh, come on,

Mom. Do you believe this baloney? There are two beautiful acres within 40 miles

of Hackensack.

My apartment is too big for me to take care of with my arthritis.

I haven't vacuumed in a month.

So what? I haven't vacuumed in two months.

John, John.

I wish I were strong enough to continue to live alone.

But I'm not.

Ma.

You're really serious about this, aren't you? I've already given up my lease.

Well, look, I'm serious about it, too.

You're not moving into a rest home. You're moving in here with me.

Johnny, are you crazy? I don't want to live with you.

What do you mean you don't want to live with me?

I want to live in a retirement home, really.

Ma, ma, ma, that doesn't make any sense.

What have they got there that I don't have here?

Daily maid service.

Right. No, no, no, look, I'll keep the place clean, I promise.

And they have a lot of activities.

Like, like bingo.

I've got a Catholic church right down the street.

And if you're into Mahjong, there's a temple right next to the deli.

John, I know your intentions are good, but I've thought this all over, and

believe me, I know what I'm doing.

Now, since you're the administrator of the family trust, I need your signature

on this before they'll let me move in.

What, what is this? It's a form. Listen to your mother and sign it.

Oh, sure, I sign this, you move into a rest home, right? And then a month

you're sitting in a rocking chair saying, how can my son do this to me?

won't be saying that. That's right, you won't, because I'm not signing that. Oh,

John. I'm not. John, sometimes you can be so pig -headed.

Yes, of course.

Runs in the family.

Sweetheart, I really want to do this. Mom, mom, mom, listen, I'm sorry.

But as long as I'm alive, no mother of mine is going to check herself into a

rest home.

Now, don't worry about it. We're going to be great together. I promise.

Come on, we've got to get you settled in. I want to have a life like you have

life. Mom, what are you talking about? If I had a life, do you think I'd know

about the Mahjong games at the temple?

Your mother gets here tonight to be like one of the gang.

There.

You know, after seeing how excited John was about his mother's visit... I called

my mom, and she's coming to stay with me for a few days next week.

Aw, aren't you a good daughter.

Well, John made me realize my mom and I can still have fun together, even though

she is getting up in years.

Mary Beth, how old is your mother?

Um, on her next birthday, she'll be... Oh, my God.

She'll be 47.

This kid's starting to get on my nerves.

Hello, everybody.

Hey, John.

Hey, John.

Where's your mother?

Oh, I'm sorry.

She's a little too tired to make it tonight.

Oh. Yeah, sorry. Hey, John. Huh?

I talked to my buddy who paints the runways at Kennedy.

Yeah. And he'll do your place for half of what the other guy quoted you.

And he can start next week. Well, that's great, Kirk. I'll see if it's okay with

my mom. Okay.

What? I said I'll see if it's okay with my mom.

You have to check with Mommy before you get your apartment, Faith, did you?

No, Kirk.

It's a good thing you're not remodeling the kitchen. You'd have to hold a family

reunion, you know.

Invite Dada and Sissy and Uncle Oompa.

Kirk, my mother is living with me now.

What? Your mother's living with you? I thought she was just visiting for a few

days. Well, she was, but it sort of became permanent.

Yeah, mothers have a way of doing that.

Uh -oh.

Baby, where are you going?

To call my mom before she buys her plane ticket.

John, I can't believe this.

I mean, do you know what they call a guy your age who lives with his mother?

Supreme Court justice?

Look, uh, my mother doesn't want to live alone anymore, so I had her move in

with me, okay? John, are you sure you've thought this out? I mean...

What if you meet some really hot babe who wants you really bad? What are you

going to say? Your place or my mother's?

I'll worry about that when it happens.

Talk about selfish? What about me?

What about your buddy here?

What if I get my hands on some really classy dame? I need a nice place to take

her. What am I supposed to do?

That's what Dewey always do. Let the air out of her and stick her back in the

drawer.

Now, look.

Say what you want. I happen to enjoy when my mother comes to visit me.

Every night before she goes to sleep, we play gin rummy for a penny a point.

Smart, John. Much better than charging a rent.

John, isn't your place a tad small for the two of you? Well, it is a bit

cramped, but it's a lot better than letting a little bit of rest home.

Rest home? Yeah. Is your mother okay? No, no, no, no. She's fine. That's why I

don't understand why she wants to move into a place like that.

You mean she wants to live in a rest home? Yeah, she wants to. Huh? But I

as hell am not going to let her.

I can't understand your attitude, John.

It sounds as if you're trying to keep her prisoner.

Louise, she is my mother, and I know what's good for her.

Now, you're starting to get on my nerves.

How is it that all young people think they know what's best for old people?

If your mother wants to move into a rest home, you should butt out.

It has a point. Now, look, Louise, I love my mother, and I'm damned if I'm

to let the same thing happen to her that happened to my grandmother.

Your grandmother?

Yeah.

I adored that old lady.

We all called her Nana.

I was 11 years old when we took her to her rest home.

It was a dark and cold place, and it smelled like old cardboard.

I remember I kissed Nana goodbye, and that's... I never saw her again.

She died two weeks later.

Yeah. John, it's a shame what happened to your grandmother. But not everyone

moves into a rest home dies two weeks later. Look, Louise, I'm not talking

everyone. I'm talking about my mother.

She's too young to live in a place like that.

Is she?

Or are you just refusing to admit that she's getting old?

What are you saying? Well, when you admit that your mother is aging, you're

forced to come face to face with your own mortality, and that's not always

It certainly isn't.

I still find it hard accepting the fact that my mother isn't getting any

younger.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Mrs. Filbert, your mother is still alive?

Well, if she's not, I'd sure like to know who's cashing those checks I've

sending to that logging cap in Spokane.

Mom?

Mom?

Mom?

Oh, great. She smells smoke.

Ma, you okay?

What happened?

Oh, nothing. I just put out a fire in the oven.

Oh, my pineapple strudel.

Oh, it was your favorite. I wanted to surprise you.

Ma, next time just say boo.

After I finished making the strudel and putting it in the oven, I was... Hoped.

So I came in here to rest my eyes for a while. I dozed off and I guess I didn't

hear the timer.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's okay. It's okay.

It's okay as long as you're all right.

I'm not all right. I can't even make your favorite pineapple strudel. Oh,

on.

Oh, I wish I could do the things I did when I was young.

Even a few years ago.

But I can't. I know, I know, I know.

Guess we both have to realize we're getting older.

I'm not the same person I used to be either.

In fact, you want to know something I found out about six years ago and never

told you?

What?

I'm allergic to pineapple.

Oh, Johnny.

Johnny, I think I'm going to like it here.

I don't know, Ma. Look at this.

Wire hangers.

They don't show you these things in the brochure.

I'm Julie Hanson. I live down the hall.

You must be my new neighbor.

Yes. I mean, no. I mean, my mom is. Oh, hi. I'm Charlotte Lacey. This is my son,

John. Hi.

Welcome, Charlotte.

I just got back from the mall, and it was so exciting.

Was it a big sale?

Better. You see, some of the shops give discounts to senior citizens.

And today, well...

I got carded.

Congratulations.

Listen, Charlie, it's almost dinner time. Now let me put this stuff in my

and we'll walk to the dining room together and I'll introduce you around.

Oh, that'll be great. I'll be right back.

Boy, some rest home this is. How are you going to get any rest with her around?

She's very pleasant. Come on now, admit it. This place is pretty nice.

Yeah, okay, okay. It's not as bad as I thought.

But remember, if you decide you don't like it, you can always move back with

You can always move in with me.

Now, I appreciate your help. Now, why don't you get going? You have a long

ahead of you. Yeah, okay.

Now, remember, if you need anything, just call. I don't care if it's early in

the morning or in the middle of the night. I'm just a phone call away.

Oh, and call collect. I don't want you paying for it. Mom, don't forget to take

your arthritis medicine.

Oh, let me give you my number at school.

You need change for the laundry. The washer take quarters.

And you don't have to worry about buying soap at the store because they have

those cute little boxes in the laundry room. And, Mom, don't forget, I'm coming

up to visit you on Saturday. John. Okay? Go home. Yeah.

Ma,

I, uh, I, uh, I love you.

I love you, Johnny.

Yeah, but I still hate this. I know, I know.

Darling, you'll get used to it. Yeah, yeah.

Charlotte, are you ready for dinner?

Because if we're late, all the soft food will be gone.

Goodbye, Johnny. Remember, I'll see you Saturday, all right? I can't wait.

Maybe after dinner we'll play cards.

Do you play gin, Rummy?

Oh, I dabble. How does a penny a point sound?

Make it a nickel and double on the skunk.

You can't get over this paint job.

Hello?

John. Oh, Kirk.

Kirk, you got my message.

The paint job is great. Your friend did a very professional job.

Yeah, well, he had a day off at JFK, so I brought him over to paint your

bedroom. He'll be back to do the living room next week.

He had some paint left over from another job, so we threw it in for free.

Well, tell him thanks.

I can't believe he did it so quickly.

John, when you paint runways, you gotta move fast.

I owe you, pal.

Don't worry.

I'm keeping count.

See you Friday.