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Yeah, just a minute.
2
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Hey, John.
3
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You better call the Humane Society.
4
00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:20,860
Sounds like somebody in this building is
killing a cat.
5
00:00:23,340 --> 00:00:25,300
Hey, ladies, come on up.
6
00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:27,240
Don't forget the baby oil.
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:32,020
What are you doing? John, you mean, what
are we doing?
8
00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:36,940
John, you and I are about to entertain
two of the hottest,
9
00:00:37,710 --> 00:00:40,010
Dental hygienists in the tri -state
area.
10
00:00:41,010 --> 00:00:42,890
No. Come on, John.
11
00:00:43,090 --> 00:00:49,030
John, you have not lived until you have
been tied up with dental floss.
12
00:00:50,590 --> 00:00:55,170
Thank you very much for thinking of me,
but I have a clarinet lesson in a very
13
00:00:55,170 --> 00:00:56,170
short while.
14
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You're taking clarinet lessons?
15
00:00:58,390 --> 00:00:59,390
Yes.
16
00:01:00,170 --> 00:01:01,170
Why?
17
00:01:02,190 --> 00:01:04,910
All right, if you must know, I've been
taking clarinet lessons for the last six
18
00:01:04,910 --> 00:01:05,910
weeks.
19
00:01:07,860 --> 00:01:08,860
Why?
20
00:01:09,620 --> 00:01:13,000
Because I was really into it when I was
a kid and I always regretted giving it
21
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:14,000
up.
22
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:17,160
Why?
23
00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:20,460
All right, Mr. Smart Guy, listen to
this.
24
00:01:28,300 --> 00:01:29,980
There. Now, what do you think?
25
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:32,060
I think you're the cat killer.
26
00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:35,380
You don't know anything about music.
27
00:01:38,540 --> 00:01:40,520
Now that is music.
28
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:45,160
Bimbo.
29
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:51,460
Hi. Ladies, say hello to John.
30
00:01:51,940 --> 00:01:53,300
Hi, John. I'm Lorraine.
31
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And I'm Heidi.
32
00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:58,500
Hi. Hi, lady. Listen, it's nice meeting
you, but I'm afraid I have a clarinet
33
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lesson tonight.
34
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:01,480
Why?
35
00:02:04,420 --> 00:02:05,840
That one's mine.
36
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,380
is filmed before a studio audience.
37
00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:21,000
Well, sounding good, John. Your
embouchure's improving. You've been
38
00:03:21,260 --> 00:03:24,520
Three hours straight, every night this
week. I got an eviction notice to prove
39
00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:25,520
it.
40
00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:28,480
Yeah. Sorry, that's me.
41
00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:30,980
Can I use your phone to call my wife?
Yeah, sure.
42
00:03:31,260 --> 00:03:33,380
I'm waiting for some news about a
rehearsal hall.
43
00:03:33,620 --> 00:03:36,880
Oh, what are you rehearsing for? My
advanced class is giving a recital next
44
00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:37,880
at Carnegie Hall.
45
00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:39,239
Carnegie Hall?
46
00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:42,800
Wow. No, we're not on the main stage.
We'll be next door at the Bile Recital
47
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:45,680
Hall. Well, that's still Carnegie Hall.
Hi, honey.
48
00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:46,920
Any word?
49
00:03:46,980 --> 00:03:48,380
Oh, no.
50
00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:53,340
And Jerry can't make it, but the
recital's a week away. Where am I
51
00:03:53,340 --> 00:03:54,620
find another clarinet player?
52
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:07,080
No Pittsburgh, no Paranet player. I
might have to cancel the... Hold on a
53
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,580
second. John.
54
00:04:10,540 --> 00:04:13,800
I'm on the phone. Try to hold the noise
down.
55
00:04:18,220 --> 00:04:22,040
Listen, I gotta go. I'll see you in a
little while. Bye.
56
00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:23,760
Oh, uh...
57
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:30,280
thinking, but I don't think you'd fit
in. Oh, come on, Charlie. I mean, I know
58
00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:33,120
I'm not as good as your advanced
students, but hey, I mean, you just said
59
00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:34,240
that I'm really coming along.
60
00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:36,500
Well, you are. Oh, come on, Charlie.
Give me a chance.
61
00:04:36,940 --> 00:04:40,700
I would really, I'd give anything to
tell my grandchildren that I played at
62
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Carnegie Hall and not be lying.
63
00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:47,340
I guess the part really isn't that
difficult.
64
00:04:47,580 --> 00:04:51,160
I'll practice. I swear I won't let you
down. Maybe you could learn it.
65
00:04:51,660 --> 00:04:52,660
What do you think?
66
00:04:52,730 --> 00:04:56,890
Are you kidding? I could play this with
one lip tied behind my back. No problem
67
00:04:56,890 --> 00:04:58,890
at all. But what do these black squiggly
things mean?
68
00:04:59,570 --> 00:05:00,570
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
69
00:05:01,390 --> 00:05:02,390
Hey, listen.
70
00:05:02,430 --> 00:05:05,010
Hey, listen, you need a place to
rehearse? You can do it right here. How
71
00:05:05,010 --> 00:05:08,610
that? Well, but there's 12 of us. No
problem.
72
00:05:09,250 --> 00:05:10,250
All right.
73
00:05:10,350 --> 00:05:13,930
Friday, 5 o 'clock. You got it. Fine.
Thank you. Thanks, Charlie. Thanks a
74
00:05:13,950 --> 00:05:14,950
I won't let you down. Bye.
75
00:05:17,010 --> 00:05:18,010
Carnegie Hall.
76
00:05:18,570 --> 00:05:19,630
Oh, wow.
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00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:22,190
Carnegie Hall.
78
00:05:32,490 --> 00:05:36,470
After a 35 -year absence from the music
scene, let's give a warm Carnegie Hall
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00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:39,910
welcome to that very talented Hot Lips
Lacey.
80
00:05:46,030 --> 00:05:48,190
Can I play this thing?
81
00:05:52,170 --> 00:05:58,950
Well, her name is Molly.
82
00:06:00,650 --> 00:06:01,930
And she...
83
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:07,660
She just started down at the tunnel, and
I've been picked to train her.
84
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:12,300
They got us working together in the same
cramped toll booth.
85
00:06:13,260 --> 00:06:15,400
It's so exciting.
86
00:06:18,380 --> 00:06:23,520
Today, Molly and I almost bumped change
makers.
87
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:29,540
All right, Ralphie, you keep up the good
work, and before long, she's going to
88
00:06:29,540 --> 00:06:32,380
have you screaming, good golly, Miss
Molly.
89
00:06:35,660 --> 00:06:40,220
Why must you turn a sweet infatuation
like this into some sleazy sexual
90
00:06:40,220 --> 00:06:41,220
conquest?
91
00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:42,920
Somebody's got to.
92
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:46,680
Whoa!
93
00:06:48,340 --> 00:06:51,320
Look who's here, the Pied Piper of Rego
Park.
94
00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:53,900
Old Robo Chops.
95
00:06:56,180 --> 00:06:58,920
I guess Kirk has told you all that I'm
taking clarinet lessons.
96
00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:03,780
I suppose he's also told you that I have
no talent for the clarinet at all.
97
00:07:11,020 --> 00:07:12,260
Think you're very funny, don't you,
Kirk?
98
00:07:13,180 --> 00:07:14,520
Want to hear something really funny?
99
00:07:14,900 --> 00:07:15,900
Yeah.
100
00:07:16,780 --> 00:07:21,580
One week from this Saturday, I, John
Lacey, will be performing at Carnegie
101
00:07:29,460 --> 00:07:32,860
I'm not joking.
102
00:07:35,460 --> 00:07:36,740
Make up your mind.
103
00:07:40,810 --> 00:07:45,610
Yeah, that's right. And, um, Roseanne
Barr has been invited to sing at the
104
00:07:45,610 --> 00:07:46,610
House.
105
00:07:49,490 --> 00:07:53,270
I'll have you know that my teacher's
advanced class is going to be performing
106
00:07:53,270 --> 00:07:56,290
the recital hall there, and I'm going to
be one of the soloists.
107
00:07:57,330 --> 00:07:58,330
Well,
108
00:07:58,790 --> 00:08:04,050
this is very exciting, and I think we
should go. I suggest that no matter what
109
00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:06,770
any of us are doing that night, we
cancel our plan.
110
00:08:07,550 --> 00:08:09,930
That's going to be hard for me, Louise.
111
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:12,760
have any plans.
112
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:21,280
Well, I wouldn't miss this for the
world. Me neither. Oh, you mean to say
113
00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:25,040
you guys would really make a trip all
the way into Manhattan to see an amateur
114
00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:26,880
musician play at Carnegie Hall?
115
00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:31,560
Of course we would, John. Good.
Curtain's at 8 sharp. Don't be late.
116
00:08:32,260 --> 00:08:35,360
Louise, I called you a babysitter.
She'll be at your place at 7.
117
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:39,720
Kate, you have a hair appointment at 4?
No, it's at 5. Trust me, it's at 4.
118
00:08:41,669 --> 00:08:43,350
Uh, John, can I get one of those?
119
00:08:43,929 --> 00:08:44,930
You, Kirk?
120
00:08:45,010 --> 00:08:46,850
You really want one? You bet I do.
121
00:08:47,470 --> 00:08:48,470
Say please.
122
00:08:49,790 --> 00:08:50,790
Please.
123
00:08:51,310 --> 00:08:54,530
Thanks. Because I got a caraway seat
stuck between my teeth.
124
00:09:11,770 --> 00:09:12,770
Yes, hello?
125
00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:17,710
No, no. No, Kirk, you cannot bring
anyone over here right now. No, no, no,
126
00:09:17,710 --> 00:09:18,910
busy. I'm busy.
127
00:09:20,350 --> 00:09:22,290
I'm not interested in meeting a gymnast.
128
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,550
I don't care what she can do on a
balance beam.
129
00:09:29,330 --> 00:09:30,330
Really?
130
00:09:30,930 --> 00:09:34,370
No, Kirk, no, Kirk, I'm sorry. No, no,
listen, I'll see you later on at the one
131
00:09:34,370 --> 00:09:35,049
-to -one.
132
00:09:35,050 --> 00:09:38,970
Kirk, my fellow musicians are coming
over here for our first rehearsal. I'm
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00:09:38,970 --> 00:09:39,990
putting the beer on the ice.
134
00:09:40,910 --> 00:09:43,850
Oh, there are the guys right now. Yeah,
well, you can laugh all you like, but
135
00:09:43,850 --> 00:09:46,830
the first time in my life I'm going to
be playing with musicians I can really
136
00:09:46,830 --> 00:09:48,490
look up to. Easy, John. Come on in,
guys.
137
00:09:49,110 --> 00:09:50,510
Hi. Oh, look at this.
138
00:09:53,110 --> 00:09:58,290
And then
139
00:09:58,290 --> 00:10:05,250
when they show up, I find out I'm
140
00:10:05,250 --> 00:10:07,790
the only one in the orchestra that
doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
141
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:11,980
What can I do? I mean, I can't let those
little kids down.
142
00:10:12,580 --> 00:10:14,720
No matter how embarrassing it's going to
be for me.
143
00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:18,900
So now I only have five minutes to think
up some excuse so my friends won't show
144
00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:19,900
up at Carnegie Hall.
145
00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:21,820
Carnegie Hall?
146
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,000
I don't drive my taxi to Manhattan.
147
00:10:25,220 --> 00:10:27,020
No, no, no. There's concerts tomorrow
night.
148
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:29,560
Maybe I can tell them Carnegie Hall
burned down.
149
00:10:30,260 --> 00:10:31,260
No, it was flooded.
150
00:10:31,580 --> 00:10:33,180
No, no, no. They'll never believe that.
151
00:10:33,740 --> 00:10:35,240
So let's see. What else is there?
152
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,620
Drought, famine, pestilence. Thank you.
That's enough.
153
00:10:40,070 --> 00:10:42,310
Good, I was making myself homesick.
154
00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:49,530
Hey, um, if I offered you 20 bucks for
your turban, would you be insulted?
155
00:10:49,830 --> 00:10:51,090
Of course I'd be insulted.
156
00:10:51,530 --> 00:10:53,390
This turban belonged to my grandfather.
157
00:10:53,770 --> 00:10:54,770
How about 25?
158
00:10:54,810 --> 00:10:55,810
Deal.
159
00:10:58,530 --> 00:11:00,410
It's getting bad, Kirk.
160
00:11:00,610 --> 00:11:03,770
Last night I even had a dream about
Molly.
161
00:11:04,350 --> 00:11:08,630
We were running through the Lincoln
Tunnel, hand in hand.
162
00:11:11,310 --> 00:11:12,310
buck naked.
163
00:11:14,810 --> 00:11:20,010
Suddenly, suddenly she threw me down and
started to make wild, passionate love
164
00:11:20,010 --> 00:11:21,010
to me.
165
00:11:21,290 --> 00:11:24,710
It was great.
166
00:11:26,050 --> 00:11:29,290
At least it was until a Volkswagen ran
over us.
167
00:11:30,510 --> 00:11:32,050
Then a station wagon.
168
00:11:32,390 --> 00:11:34,070
Then a stretch limo.
169
00:11:34,950 --> 00:11:38,630
A Winnebago even crossed the solid
yellow line to get a shot.
170
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:45,320
Oh, Kurt, I like sex as much as the next
guy, but I'll be damned if I'll die for
171
00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:46,320
it.
172
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:49,180
I got... Ladies.
173
00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:54,800
Ruff, go ahead. Tell these guys your
dream about Molly.
174
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:59,580
Oh, really?
175
00:12:00,340 --> 00:12:01,400
Was it romantic?
176
00:12:01,940 --> 00:12:04,940
Yeah, if you don't mind getting wasted
by a Winnebago.
177
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:24,040
It's got the cutest little sequined top
and this darling little patent leather
178
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:29,080
belt and the skirt just kind of flares
out and... Oh, no.
179
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:30,960
What's the matter?
180
00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:33,740
I just decided I don't like it.
181
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:40,520
Just as well, Mary Beth, because I'm
afraid I can't perform tomorrow night.
182
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,260
See, Tom, it happens to everyone.
183
00:12:53,580 --> 00:12:54,680
What are you talking about, John?
184
00:12:55,120 --> 00:13:00,480
Well, you see, uh... I have clarinet
elbow.
185
00:13:03,740 --> 00:13:04,740
Clarinet elbow?
186
00:13:04,980 --> 00:13:07,120
Yes. I can't move my arm at all.
187
00:13:07,860 --> 00:13:12,000
John, how could you hurt your elbow
playing the clarinet?
188
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:16,920
Well, did I say playing? No, actually, I
was carrying it.
189
00:13:19,020 --> 00:13:20,400
Down 73rd Street.
190
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:22,480
At midnight.
191
00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:29,160
John, what were you doing on 73rd Street
at midnight?
192
00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:31,300
What was I doing?
193
00:13:32,220 --> 00:13:33,220
I was walking.
194
00:13:34,620 --> 00:13:39,840
And I heard footsteps behind me, and
then I started walking faster, and the
195
00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:44,800
footsteps got faster, and finally this
guy, might have been two guys, caught up
196
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:51,540
to me and grabbed my clarinet case and
dragged me halfway down the block on my
197
00:13:51,540 --> 00:13:52,540
elbow.
198
00:13:54,589 --> 00:13:55,950
That's why I called it clarinet elbow.
199
00:13:57,790 --> 00:13:59,110
So what's new in your life, Louise?
200
00:14:00,210 --> 00:14:01,210
Wait a minute, John.
201
00:14:01,830 --> 00:14:05,530
You mean you didn't even put up a fight?
A fight? I mean, how can I fight?
202
00:14:05,770 --> 00:14:07,790
The guys were this tall and this what?
203
00:14:14,970 --> 00:14:16,530
What do you know? The doctor was right.
204
00:14:16,770 --> 00:14:18,270
Clarinet elbow just seems to come and
go.
205
00:14:19,450 --> 00:14:20,450
It's crazy.
206
00:14:22,710 --> 00:14:23,710
Okay, okay.
207
00:14:25,130 --> 00:14:27,750
There's nothing wrong with my elbow at
all. I made up the whole story.
208
00:14:29,690 --> 00:14:34,110
Because I... I don't want any of you to
come to Carnegie Hall tomorrow night.
209
00:14:34,330 --> 00:14:35,330
Oh, no.
210
00:14:36,270 --> 00:14:37,930
It's my dress, isn't it?
211
00:14:38,190 --> 00:14:39,410
No, no, no, no, no.
212
00:14:39,770 --> 00:14:46,170
I don't want you to come because I just
found out that all the musicians I'll be
213
00:14:46,170 --> 00:14:48,490
playing with are nine years old.
214
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:57,440
Now, you see, that's the reason. You
see, I knew it. It's because you guys
215
00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,120
going to laugh. That's why I don't want
you to come.
216
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:02,260
No, no, no, I know it. I know you're
going to laugh. Now, you've got to
217
00:15:02,260 --> 00:15:04,000
me, all right? Just promise me. You're
not coming.
218
00:15:04,700 --> 00:15:06,460
All right,
219
00:15:07,620 --> 00:15:12,460
John, it's a big disappointment, but I
suppose we do understand your position.
220
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:14,160
Good.
221
00:15:15,620 --> 00:15:16,620
What about you, Kurt?
222
00:15:17,540 --> 00:15:18,540
What?
223
00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:20,660
Me? Well?
224
00:15:21,770 --> 00:15:24,530
John, do you think I would laugh knowing
how much all this means to you?
225
00:15:24,790 --> 00:15:25,790
Damn right.
226
00:15:28,930 --> 00:15:30,510
That really hurts, John.
227
00:15:31,130 --> 00:15:33,210
Sure, all the others would laugh.
228
00:15:33,470 --> 00:15:35,490
No, we wouldn't. Oh, come on, Louise.
229
00:15:39,050 --> 00:15:40,050
Don't pretend.
230
00:15:40,910 --> 00:15:44,730
I know what's going through all your
minds.
231
00:15:45,510 --> 00:15:46,510
Oh, yeah.
232
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:51,340
Let's go see a performance of Mozart
featuring John Lacey and the Seven
233
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:54,960
Come on!
234
00:15:55,180 --> 00:15:57,600
We'll bring a video camera. We'll make a
movie.
235
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,740
Honey, I shrunk the orchestra.
236
00:16:26,220 --> 00:16:27,059
be here tonight.
237
00:16:27,060 --> 00:16:30,780
So did you. You said you were going to
spend the evening cuddled up in front of
238
00:16:30,780 --> 00:16:31,780
the telly with Pete.
239
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:33,240
I was.
240
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,680
But he's been mad at me ever since I had
him neutered.
241
00:16:37,860 --> 00:16:39,380
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
242
00:16:40,660 --> 00:16:42,880
What is the problem?
243
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:45,520
The lady asked me to hold her seat.
244
00:16:49,860 --> 00:16:51,500
Good evening, Kirk.
245
00:17:01,860 --> 00:17:03,180
Apparently the same thing as you.
246
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:06,140
Well, I wish I'd known y 'all were as
nosy as I am.
247
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:08,280
We wouldn't have had to take separate
limos.
248
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:11,000
Fine support group we are.
249
00:17:12,260 --> 00:17:13,960
Maybe it's good we all showed up.
250
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:18,319
This will give us a chance to make up
for our childish behavior last night.
251
00:17:19,099 --> 00:17:20,099
Oh,
252
00:17:20,220 --> 00:17:21,460
look, they're about to start.
253
00:17:21,839 --> 00:17:22,960
Listen, let's go inside.
254
00:17:23,420 --> 00:17:26,760
We'll sit quietly, and at the end of the
concert, we'll give John a standing
255
00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:28,140
ovation. Hold it.
256
00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:30,620
I think I smell a route.
257
00:17:53,770 --> 00:17:54,970
Relax, Mr.
258
00:17:55,170 --> 00:17:56,730
Lacey. You'll do fine.
259
00:17:57,090 --> 00:18:00,870
Your phrasing, your intonation, your
tone.
260
00:18:01,930 --> 00:18:03,450
Impeccable. Ah, thanks, Billy.
261
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:04,750
Got you last.
262
00:18:12,450 --> 00:18:13,030
Good
263
00:18:13,030 --> 00:18:24,490
evening,
264
00:18:24,670 --> 00:18:29,710
ladies and gentlemen, moms and dads. We
are now pleased to present An Evening of
265
00:18:29,710 --> 00:18:30,710
Mozart.
266
00:19:31,850 --> 00:19:32,850
He's only nine.
267
00:19:33,730 --> 00:19:35,710
I'll sit the one in the middle. He's
only 45.
268
00:20:14,350 --> 00:20:21,230
real good laugh John we didn't laugh at
you what you heard were all
269
00:20:21,230 --> 00:20:27,450
the other people in the audience yeah
and some of the people who work here
270
00:20:27,450 --> 00:20:33,770
yeah well even though I did fall on my
face tonight I gotta tell you there were
271
00:20:33,770 --> 00:20:37,930
a few fleeting moments there when I
actually felt like a real musician who
272
00:20:37,930 --> 00:20:41,870
maybe someday I'll be good enough to
play with people my own age
273
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:49,080
So, John, because those kids don't want
to have anything to do with you anymore.
274
00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:52,500
Here are the lights, Joe.
275
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:54,560
I'll get them.
276
00:20:55,100 --> 00:21:00,100
Listen, guys, this is probably the
closest I'll ever get to Carnegie Hall
277
00:21:00,100 --> 00:21:03,700
without buying a ticket, so if you don't
mind, I'd like to be alone for a few
278
00:21:03,700 --> 00:21:04,700
minutes. Oh, yeah.
279
00:21:05,260 --> 00:21:08,880
We'll see you next time. Good night,
John.
280
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:40,400
It blows up here. Hey, just keep your
shirt on. This is important to me.
21975
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