Original subtitles

Come on,

Dad, this is stupid. How come you always have to embarrass me like this?

Well, that's our job. We're your parents, Matthew.

Can I take this dumb thing off now? Now, hold your horses, Masked Man. You want

a surprise for your birthday, you're going to get one.

Surprise! CDs!

Yes!

Well, what's a new CD player without CDs?

Oh, here.

Your mom and I chipped in and got you a gift certificate.

Hey, thanks, you guys.

Come on over here, you two. I want to take your picture. Oh, Mom, that's the

30th picture you've taken today.

It's your birthday. Now smile, damn it.

Oh, great. I'm out of film.

Hold on.

Listen, I know how expensive CDs are, Matthew, so here's an extra ten.

Okay, but don't tell your mom, okay?

Thanks, Dad.

I'm sure glad you and Mom decided to get together to celebrate my birthday.

Oh, that's very sweet, Matthew.

Yeah, I'm really raking it in.

Mom slipped me an extra 20.

She did?

Don't be mad.

It's just a way of telling me she loves me.

Matthew, you know, a person shouldn't put a price on love.

Here's an extra 20.

As long as you're looking for CDs, I think I'm going to buy something myself.

Excuse me.

You have a classical section?

You mean like The Grateful Dead?

I'll just look around.

He gave you an extra 20?

Don't be mad.

He can't help it if he loves me.

Oh, and I don't love you that much.

Here, go crazy.

All right, yes.

Oh, the little boy's growing up, isn't he?

Yeah. And have you noticed? There's a lot of you in him.

remember that money you loaned me?

Oh, you mean the hundred bucks I gave you so your grandmother could have her

tubes tied?

Whatever.

Ralphie, it is payback time.

Hold out your hand.

One, two, three.

No, I can't do this to you, Ralph.

What kind of guy would I be if I didn't include you in the investment

opportunity of a lifetime?

Ralphie, what do you know about buying and selling unclaimed freight?

Nothing. Then you're lucky you got me as a partner. Partner?

Deal.

This buddy of mine down at the docks told me they unload the unclaimed

at bargain prices just last week.

He snapped up a hundred ballpoint pens with a picture of the Statue of Liberty

on it for a buck apiece.

Kirk, you can get those in any street corner for less than that. No, no, no,

no. Not this kind you can't, Ralphie.

When you turn Lady Liberty upside down, a robe slides off and a torch slides

off.

Really? My friend made 500 % on his investment.

That's hard to imagine. Ruffy, it is true. He sold every single bed.

I mean, it's hard to imagine the Statue of Liberty naked.

Ruffy.

Come on, what do you say?

A hundred bucks, we're in business.

All right, good.

Wait a minute.

There's only $97 here.

Ruffy, is that any way to start a partnership?

Sorry. 98, 99, 100.

Boy, timing is everything. If you had asked me to invest yesterday, I wouldn't

have had the money.

Hi, guys.

Hello. Hey, ladies.

Now, this is your lifeline.

Which one? This one, see?

You can look forward to a long, healthy life.

Oh, my goodness.

This Venus area indicates a strong sexual appetite.

You too, huh, Red?

In that case, what do you say you and I go out later and get our oysters

Rockefellered?

I've got a better idea.

Why don't you stay home and I'll send somebody over to shuck your face?

Hey, Louise, let me see your hand.

I'm sorry, Mary Beth, but I never believed you could tell all about...

simply by looking at their hands. You have a strong sense of fairness and are

well -liked by everyone.

But as I always say, keep an open mind.

Now, what the hell's happened to my sexual appetite?

Hello, everybody. Oh,

what a great day I had. I was out celebrating my son Matthew's birthday.

That is one sharp kid I've got.

You know what he did?

He conned me out of 30 bucks.

Boy, John, you sure are gullible.

Yeah.

We had a great time, though.

Wendy and I spent the entire day with him.

Wendy? Yeah.

Well, it was a special occasion, so Matthew wanted to spend it with both his

parents. Well, how did Wendy's boyfriend feel about that?

Mike? Oh, didn't I tell you? Mike and Wendy split up months ago.

Yeah, in fact, he moved to California.

Oh, after two years, Mike's out of the picture and you're seeing your ex -wife.

Wendy and I got together only to celebrate Matthew's birthday. At the end

day, Wendy gave me a kiss on the cheek, said goodnight, and that was it. Just

like when you were married, huh, John?

Will you be, uh, dating your ex -wife again, too? Louise,

we are not dating.

Wendy is the mother of my child.

That's all.

Now, look, I am 100 % over that woman. We are history.

Finny, kaput, okay?

Now, can we talk about something else?

I dated my second husband after our divorce. Good, good. Let's talk about

And how did that work out, Mrs. Philbert? Oh, just dandy.

Until my third husband found out.

This way.

Hi,

John. Oh, Wendy.

Am I interrupting anything?

No, just my coronary.

Don't worry about it. I'll have it later.

Listen, I just got the pictures back from Matthew's birthday, and I thought

maybe you'd like to see them. Oh, yeah, yeah, I would. Thank you. Oh, John,

thanks again for yesterday.

Matthew had a great time, and so did I. Ah, Matthew.

I'm really proud of that kid.

You and I, we done good.

Let's see the pictures.

Okay.

Get a load of that devilish smile on Matthew's face when he opened that CD

player. God, he's a greedy kid.

You gotta love him. Oh, wait till you see the ones in the amusement park.

Look at the two of you stuffing yourselves with pizza.

And there we are at the corn dog eating contest.

God, I can't believe it. I ate six of them.

Oh, and there you are getting that free cholesterol test.

Yeah.

There I am buying this exercise machine here.

Oh, look at that kid.

I can't believe he's 12 years old already.

I know.

It seems like just yesterday he was taking his first steps. Yeah, I

was so cute. He was such a little kid.

A tiny little person.

Standing there in the kitchen holding onto the chair for dear life and

he steps back.

He starts to wobble, and all of a sudden, he's walking, walking right to

taking his first steps to his good old dad.

Nice try, John, but he walked to his good old mom, and he wasn't in the

He was in the den. Wendy, he was in the kitchen. No, it was the den. He was in

the kitchen. Den.

Wendy, I know it. He was in the kitchen. Really, John, what would I be doing in

the kitchen?

Right.

No, I'm right about this. You're wrong about this, Wendy. Okay, all right.

I'm going to prove it to you.

Now, do you still have that photo album I gave you? Yes, of course I do. It's my

prized possession.

You got the house, I got the pictures of it.

I know that there is a picture of Matthew in there taking his first steps.

Right, and it's going to prove you wrong.

Uh -huh. Here it is.

I was right.

John. All right, all right, all right. John. All right, all right, all right.

you were the one he first walked to. Yeah. But I was the first one he spit up

on.

Oh, he was such a beautiful baby.

Those are the happiest days of my life. Yeah, mine too.

Do you remember how we always wanted to give Matthew a little baby brother or

baby sister?

Yeah, well, as things turned out, it was just as well we didn't.

Now, if you don't mind, I have a few more corn dogs to work off.

Oh, gosh, I just love this one.

I get Matthew going off to school for the very first time.

Oh, look at those cheers.

Well, I couldn't help it. That was a tough moment for me.

Oh, what a kid.

There is nothing that I wouldn't do for Matthew.

And certainly nothing I would deny him.

And I'm sure you feel the same way, don't you, John? Oh, now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Hold on there.

Hold on there, Wendy.

Now I know why you came over here. It's not about Matthew at all. It's about

you, huh? Right?

You're doing it again. Get me all soft and mushy about my son and then you move

in for the kill, huh?

Okay, go ahead. Tell me, what do you want this time, huh? What?

A new car? A vacation?

New furniture? Go ahead, tell me, what do you want?

I want us to have another baby.

leave for the day when my boss says he'd like to see me in his office. Is this

the good -looking available? When is he going to notice me, boss?

That's the one.

Well, the first thing he does is compliment me on how attractive I am and

glad he is that I'm a nonsmoker. Good.

Then he says that there's a dinner party later that night to celebrate his

mother's birthday. And, well, he knows it's late notice and everything, but

could I...

his mother.

That's crazy.

I know. Can you believe it?

He actually expects me to use my free time to run his personal errands. Well,

that's not in my job description. I am not his personal slave.

So what did you get her? A beautiful lace tablecloth.

in two directions.

Well, is that good?

Well, I'd say you're either going to be very rich or your dog is going to die.

I'm going to be rich!

Lucky me! My dog died last year!

Hey, Rob!

Do you want to hear some great news?

Okay, as long as you don't tell me my dog washed up on shore.

try and remember that.

Look what I scored for us down at the docks.

400 pair of these babies.

Pantyhose? Not just pantyhose, Louise.

Support pantyhose.

For the full -figured woman.

$350 a pair. They come in three sizes, right?

XL, XXL, and TLFL.

liposuction.

What do you think, John?

350? If she's a pound.

You make it up.

Yeah? Well, that's the way it goes.

Hi, John.

Hi.

Good job.

preoccupied this evening.

Oh, what makes you think that? Well, for one thing, you look like you haven't

slept in two days.

And in case you haven't noticed, you're in straps with plaid.

Am I a trendsetter or what?

Okay, okay, I, uh, I got a woman problem.

A big woman problem.

All right, John, does she need pantyhose?

to do with Wendy.

Does it ever.

I've been ducking her calls all week.

John, that's no way to behave.

If we've learned anything in this group, it's to face our problems squarely.

Listen to her, John. Running away never helped anything. She's right, John.

Whatever it is, you've got to face it like a man. Wendy wants to have my baby.

Rip the floor off the wall and get your fingerprints changed.

John, are you saying that Wendy wants you two to have another child?

Yes.

And I don't know what to do about it.

Well, isn't life full of surprises?

Just last week you said that you and Wendy were, as you so succinctly put it,

finny, kaput. And now you're talking about having another baby.

No, no, no. She's the one that's talking. And I'm so scared because I'm

that's listening.

I mean, I'm supposed to be over this woman, right?

So why can't I just tell her to forget it?

Wait a minute, John.

You actually are considering having a baby. be with Wendy?

Yes. No.

Maybe. How the hell should I know? I don't know.

Well, John, how did all this happen? I mean, did Wendy just call up and say she

wanted to get back together again? No, no, no, no, no. She's too smart for

No, she just said she wanted to have my baby. No strings attached.

She even said I wouldn't have to make a commitment.

Ho, ho, ho.

Yeah. Ho, ho, ha.

John, John, John, John, John, John. I think you may be reading this whole

situation wrong.

How do you figure?

Well, we're in a very sensitive area here.

What are you trying to say, Kurt?

Um, okay.

Because this is your ex -wife, I'm going to try and put this as delicately as I

can.

Seems to me...

Your old lady just wants to play a little mattress hockey with a familiar

Now, you see, uh... See, Wendy knows me. She knows that if we go to sleep

together, I'm going to start falling for her all over again. And I'm frightened

to death of that.

Because if it doesn't work out, I'm right back where I was the day I walked

this group.

Exactly. And you remember what that was like, John. Yes, I do. You were a

distraught... You're a broken shell of a man. You just had his whole life torn

apart. Of course, I remember that, yes. John, you were pathetic.

I mean, I can't tell you how many nights I was embarrassed to be with you. Yes,

maybe so.

You were depressed, John.

Absolutely no fun to be with. I know. Why do you think I never gave you a

tumble? Yes. Okay, okay.

Okay, okay.

Look, I remember that.

But I also remember the ten happy years I had with Wendy before that.

I mean, you should have seen her the other day. She's still very beautiful.

She's got a great body, legs that won't quit, the same cute little figure.

You know, getting back together with her would make my life so simple. I mean,

let's face it, I know where everything is.

John, familiarity is no reason to jump back into a relationship that ended in

disaster. I know where everything is in my spy strike, but you don't see me

throwing cayenne pepper into my eyes.

Of course, you're right. Of course, yes.

You make all the sense in the world. But, uh, you should have seen us the

day. Me, Matthew, and Wendy. We had a great time.

I mean, I felt like we were a real family again.

Here, take a look at this picture.

I mean, how could you not want to have another kid like that?

Oh, Matthew sure is cute.

When did he grow the mustache?

That's the midget selling the corn dogs. Give me that.

This thing is just driving me crazy. It's just driving me nuts.

I mean, I can't sleep. I can't think.

Will somebody tell me what to do?

Not you, Kirk.

I don't know, John.

You've got a real dilemma here. I don't envy you.

You know what I can't believe? I can't believe that I'm actually considering

getting back together with that woman.

Woman who turned my life upside down.

Knocked me for a loop. Had me running around in circles.

Sounds like us last night, huh, big guy?

decision for you, but all we can urge you to do is to proceed with caution.

That's right, John. Only one person can make this decision.

In the final analysis, your fate is in your hands.

John. Listen,

buddy, I want you to know whatever you decide, I'm behind you 100%. If you and

Wendy decide to have this baby, it's a beautiful thing. There's nothing like

bringing new life into this world. And John.

Remember, when Wendy's in the throes of a pregnancy, she's going to need a lot

of support.

And believe me, John, nothing but nothing gives support like a pair of

babies right here, John. Look at that.

John, I must admit, you said you'd planned something special. I never

would be something this extravagant. Well, we had something very important to

discuss.

to do that.

Hey, pal, we're in a hot air balloon.

If I don't do that, this thing becomes a treehouse.

So I figured this would be a better place to talk than in a crowded

you know, where strangers could overhear us.

Hey, smart move, pal.

Would you please... We're trying to have a private conversation here. Please.

What, do you want me to leave?

Do those tickets that I bought from you include a tip?

Hey, I'm not even here. Fine.

Wow, look at this.

Beautiful sunset, isn't it? Yeah.

I never thought tonight would be so... Romantic?

No, cold.

Wendy,

listen, I was thinking over what you were talking about the other day, and I

know it's a gamble, but... But what?

Well, you and I do make good babies. Oh, we sure do. And I would love to be a

father again.

You mean that? Yes, especially since you'll be the mother.

Oh, John!

Did you hear that, New York?

I'm going to have another baby!

Hey, hey, New York!

Me too.

John, this is incredible.

Listen, listen.

I've got it all planned.

After the balloon ride, on the off chance we survive this.

We'll go back to my place. We'll put on a Johnny Mathis album. Johnny Mathis?

Oh. Well, John, gee, I had something else in mind.

Hey, listen, I'm up for almost anything.

What's your plan?

You want me to go to a sperm bank?

Coming up next, the exciting conclusion of an all -new Hunter. And Thursday

night, you could win at least a million dollars when you watch the Cosby Show

and play McMillions. And Sunday night, it's the season premiere of the funniest

and the hottest news show of the season.

All high, Sunday night, only on NBC.

After two years, Mike's out of the picture and you're seeing your ex -wife

again.

Now, wait a minute.

Wendy and I got together only to celebrate Matthew's birthday. At the end

day, Wendy gave me a kiss on the cheek, said goodnight, and that was it. Just

like when you were married, huh, John?

Now, look, I am 100 % over that woman. We are history.

Finny. Kaput. Okay?

There is nothing that I wouldn't do for Matthew.

There's certainly nothing I would deny him.

Oh, and I'm sure that you feel the same way, John.

What do you want this time, huh? What? A new car? A vacation?

New furniture? Go ahead, tell me. What do you want?

I want us to have another baby.

You and I do make good babies. Oh,

we sure do.

And I would love to be a father again.

Oh! Oh, John!

Oh, oh, oh.

I've got it all planned out.

After the balloon ride, on the off chance we survive this, we'll go back to

place. We'll put on a Johnny Mathis album. Johnny Mathis?

Well, John, gee, I had something else in mind.

What's your plan?

You want me to go to a sperm bank?