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Hi, honey.
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I'm home.
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It was 1978.
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I get a call from President Nixon
himself.
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Now, he wants me to fly into Moscow,
poke around, find out a few things.
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This is ridiculous.
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First of all, Nixon was thrown out of
office long before 1978.
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And just because the man falls on hot
times, I'm supposed to brush him?
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Anyway, I'm in the middle of Red Square.
I turn around.
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The entire KGB is advancing on me.
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Now, my copter is waiting to whisk me to
safety. I know that.
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But before I leave, I have to do the
most difficult thing I have ever had to
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in all my years in the espionage game.
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Oh, please.
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I have to bid a fond do svidaniya to the
fair Olga.
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Brezhnev's daughter.
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She begged me to take her with me, but I
said, I'm taken by Lady Liberty. I'm
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married to my country.
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On behalf of the country, we'd like a
divorce.
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Oh, hi, everybody. Listen, I'm sorry I'm
late.
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Earlier tonight, I met this lady, and
she's a little upset, so I suggested she
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come to the group.
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She's waiting in the hall.
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Well, bring her in. Sure, the more the
merrier.
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Uh, Gloria?
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Gloria?
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Everybody?
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Everybody?
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Hi, Gloria!
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Louise?
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I told Gloria she could sit in on one of
our sessions.
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She's been recently widowed.
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Go ahead.
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Now, does anyone remember where we left
off last week?
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We was talking about how women are
always ignoring Ralphie.
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Well, it doesn't seem like I'm asking
too much.
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I just love that blouse.
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Thank you.
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Now, Gloria, perhaps you'd like to tell
us a little about yourself.
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Louise, actually, I told Gloria she
could just sit in on the session.
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So if anyone has anything they'd like to
talk about.
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tough times.
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But I think I've turned the corner on
that.
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All right, keep up the good work,
Gloria.
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Do you mind?
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I told Gloria she could get some help
here, huh?
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You want to hear something really weird?
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Please.
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I mean, please.
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Feel free.
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Gloria, this is a support.
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group. You can say anything you want.
It's all right.
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Oh, it's just that sometimes I think I
can
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feel his presence.
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Submitted for your approval.
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A young whale haunted by a specter from
the pack.
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Can you possibly show a little interest
here? Of course I can.
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So, Gloria, how'd you ruin me and Croke?
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Why?
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No, wait. I see what he's doing.
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Of course you do.
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And what would that be, Kirk?
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Go ahead, Gloria. You tell him.
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Kirk's telling me that I should stop
taking myself so seriously.
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Exactly.
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I'm glad somebody's paying attention
over here.
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I think this is what I really needed.
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Well, this is remarkable.
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It appears that Kirk has blindly,
capriciously, and God knows unwittingly,
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stumbled onto what may very well be the
ideal therapy for Gloria here.
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Oh, he can't have.
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No, it doesn't seem possible.
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But what Gloria has obviously responded
to is some simple...
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Okay.
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Here goes.
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00:06:01,020 --> 00:06:02,020
Kate?
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Yes, Ralph?
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There's something I've wanted to say to
you ever since you sat down tonight.
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Your chair's on my...
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It's a saltine.
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Try it with something on it.
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Ooh, I love guacamole. Oh, that's salmon
mousse.
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I think I'll save my appetite for
dinner.
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What are we having?
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Uh, salmon.
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That's the saltines.
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John, I'd like to thank you for inviting
us all to your first dinner party as a
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bachelor. Oh, you're welcome. And I'd
especially like to thank you for not
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inviting Kirk.
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Oh, but I did.
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Yeah, he's busy tonight with Gloria.
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I can't tell you how this thing sticks
in my craw.
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John, let it go. I can't help it. I feel
very responsible for Gloria.
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I mean, I'm the one that dragged her to
the one -to -one club, right?
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Oh, John, just because you let her in
there like a lamb to the slaughter...
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Please, Kate, please.
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I feel bad enough as it is.
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You know, he must have called me about
19 times tonight.
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What for?
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Well, first he wanted to borrow an ice
bucket, and then he wanted to know if I
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had any Sinatra records.
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But basically, the main reason for his
call was to remind me that tonight's the
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night.
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John, let me... All right, I'm sorry.
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Can we talk about something less
depressing?
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This is the best party I've ever been
to.
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Oh, listen, I gotta get back to my
entree. You guys keep up the party,
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John, do you need any help? No, no, no,
no. You just go on enjoying yourselves.
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Hey, Ralph, would you get that for me,
please?
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Gosh, it just keeps getting better and
better.
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John's residence.
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John. What?
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It's for you.
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I kind of assumed that, Ralph.
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Take a message.
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Uh, yeah, yeah, sure. The whole gang is
here.
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I can't believe this. This is
ridiculous.
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I'm in the middle of making dinner here.
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He can't believe this. This is
ridiculous. He's in the middle of making
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over there.
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Ralph, would you hang up the phone?
John, there's trouble.
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Hang up the phone.
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I'm hanging up the phone now.
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By the way, you're missing a great
party.
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Look, I don't care if there is trouble.
I don't care if his house is burning
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down. I'm not going to go rushing over
there just because Kirk is in trouble.
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No, no, that was Gloria on the phone.
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So when the bell rings on the timer,
serve the salmon, the wines in the
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and lock the door when you leave.
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And let's do this again soon.
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Well, everybody.
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What's happened?
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John, it's terrible.
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Our day was going great, and then all of
a sudden it got a little bit out of
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hand. Gloria, what has that animal done
to you? Oh, no, John. Actually, it's
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what I've done to him.
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John, is that you?
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You did this?
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You're damn right she did.
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I thought it would be fun.
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00:10:17,940 --> 00:10:18,940
John, you've got to help me.
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I've got a big problem here. No, wait a
minute. Would someone just tell me what
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the hell is going on here?
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I was teaching him how to play good cop,
naughty cop.
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Good cop, naughty cop?
146
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Have you ever played?
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I used to play kick the can, but that
was years ago. Nobody cares.
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This is serious.
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The key broke off in the lock.
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Well, I'm sure you two kids can work it
out. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got
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dinner guests waiting. John, John, John.
Please, please, don't go.
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There's an additional development that
could make this get very weird.
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Get very weird?
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Somebody else is coming over. Somebody
else?
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Oh, let me guess. The chief of police?
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00:11:05,110 --> 00:11:06,190
John, this is serious.
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It's my mother.
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Your mother?
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I can't believe you brought me... over
to your mother's house.
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Oh, well, excuse me, Miss Dungeons and
Dragons.
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I don't understand. Why would you bring
Gloria over here if your mother's coming
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over? Were you suddenly my social
director? She wasn't supposed to be home
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tonight. All right, all right. So what
do you want me to do? Call a locksmith?
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No, we already did this. This is New
York. We're on a waiting list.
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Oh, my God!
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What are we going to do?
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00:11:37,890 --> 00:11:39,130
Oh, yes, you can see them.
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widow has been enormously helpful.
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All right, all right, all right.
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So what do you want me to do?
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You've got to get me out of here.
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You've got to help me down those four
flights of stairs.
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Down the four flights?
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All right, you get one arm, I'll get the
other.
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Ralph!
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It's after midnight. What are you still
doing here?
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Partying.
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00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:20,950
You mean Louise and Kate are still...
No, no, they left hours ago. I thought
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about going with them, but I was just
having too much fun.
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00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:27,370
John,
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you think we're disturbing the
neighbors? Maybe we better keep it down.
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Yeah.
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Good idea, Ralph.
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John, oh, Ralphie, what are you doing
here?
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Hey, well, you know, just...
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Letting the good times roll.
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00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:46,060
Yeah, but it's getting kind of late,
don't you think? You know, you don't
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to burn out too early in the social
season.
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Oh, you're right.
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00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:51,840
You're right.
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00:12:52,140 --> 00:12:55,820
Plus, I'm a little worried about how I'm
going to feel in the morning.
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00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:59,560
You think I'm okay to drive?
193
00:12:59,900 --> 00:13:02,560
Why? What have you had to drink?
Nothing. You'll be fine.
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00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,240
What a night.
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00:13:15,020 --> 00:13:17,800
to ask you a favor. Kirk, I helped you
out enough tonight.
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00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:22,120
I had to convince your mother that we
were rehearsing a talent show.
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00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:28,320
I got you to the locksmith. I persuaded
that nice couple in the dog collars to
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00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:29,320
let us go first.
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00:13:30,580 --> 00:13:34,320
I understand. Tell you what, I'll buy
you a beer before the meeting on Friday
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00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:38,900
night. Look, Kirk, I gotta tell you, I'm
not exactly sure what your status is as
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00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:39,900
far as this group is concerned.
202
00:13:40,540 --> 00:13:41,540
What are you talking about?
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00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,040
Well, some things were said in your
absence.
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00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:45,219
Like what?
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00:13:45,220 --> 00:13:47,560
Like this time you finally went too far.
206
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:52,020
Like you used the group to take
advantage of an emotionally defenseless
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00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:53,640
What did you say?
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That is what I said.
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00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:02,760
Look, John, I'm sure in a couple days,
everyone's going to forget all about
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00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:06,220
thing with Gloria. Look, Kirk, it's not
just that. It's your whole attitude.
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00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,600
I mean, you are insensitive to other
people's problems.
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00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:15,220
It's like the fact that you claim to be
a CIA agent dodging death squads when
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00:14:15,220 --> 00:14:19,420
the reality is you live with your
mother. It's like the fact that... Well,
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00:14:19,580 --> 00:14:24,380
actually, John, I don't live with my
mother. It's just that I can't bring
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00:14:24,380 --> 00:14:26,780
civilians to my house because my address
is classified.
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00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:31,600
Would you just give it up? Come on,
John, that's the kind of guy I am.
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00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:34,260
Well, that's the kind of guy nobody
wants in the group anymore.
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00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:39,020
Nobody wants me in the group?
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00:14:41,789 --> 00:14:46,050
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are
you... Wait a second, John. I didn't
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00:14:46,050 --> 00:14:47,650
realize this was so serious.
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00:14:50,570 --> 00:14:52,530
All right. Forget about what I said
before.
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00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:57,010
I'll do anything. Just... What do I have
to do to get back in the group?
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00:14:57,950 --> 00:14:58,950
What do you have to do?
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00:14:59,210 --> 00:15:03,970
Well, you have... You have to make a
little more effort.
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00:15:05,390 --> 00:15:06,510
You're gonna have to listen.
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00:15:08,030 --> 00:15:09,630
You're gonna have to show a little more
sensitivity.
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00:15:10,740 --> 00:15:14,140
And you're going to have to stop using
other people's pains as an opportunity
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make jokes.
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00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:16,780
Was any of this negotiable?
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00:15:17,860 --> 00:15:20,860
Why do I bargain with you? No, wait,
John. Wait, wait. Listen, listen,
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00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:22,920
Believe me, I can change.
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00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:24,120
And do you know why?
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00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:28,260
Because I care about you guys. And
Friday night, John, I am going to prove
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00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:29,260
you.
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00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:34,160
And, well, I know... I don't always show
it, but...
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00:15:35,050 --> 00:15:39,630
If it's possible for a man to love
another man, and I mean that in a non
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00:15:39,630 --> 00:15:41,550
-lavender manner...
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Then I love
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00:15:48,490 --> 00:15:49,490
you.
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00:15:49,790 --> 00:15:54,430
Uh... I know, you're right, John.
They're just words, and we all know
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00:15:54,430 --> 00:15:55,690
speak louder than words.
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00:15:58,370 --> 00:16:04,790
So... Oh, Kirk, uh...
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00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,040
Please.
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00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:07,080
John.
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00:16:08,660 --> 00:16:09,660
Kirk, come on.
246
00:16:10,060 --> 00:16:11,240
All right, all right.
247
00:16:11,740 --> 00:16:12,740
Have it your way.
248
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:16,640
Kill me.
249
00:16:18,220 --> 00:16:18,840
What's the
250
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:27,480
big
251
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,900
deal about men expressing affection
anyway?
252
00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:33,360
Hey, whoa!
253
00:16:56,490 --> 00:17:01,110
Basically, what I'm saying is, and I
can't even believe I'm saying this,
254
00:17:01,110 --> 00:17:03,950
we ought to give him another chance to
prove that he's sincere.
255
00:17:04,210 --> 00:17:05,210
No way.
256
00:17:05,510 --> 00:17:10,349
Maybe John's right. Kirk at least
deserves a chance to show us that he's a
257
00:17:10,349 --> 00:17:11,349
changed man.
258
00:17:11,750 --> 00:17:12,750
He'll never change.
259
00:17:12,790 --> 00:17:14,470
I'll prove it to you. How?
260
00:17:14,970 --> 00:17:20,450
By putting him to the test. And trust
me, what you'll see is the same old
261
00:17:21,069 --> 00:17:24,369
My grandmother had an expression that
fits him to a T.
262
00:17:25,069 --> 00:17:27,349
A leopard never changes his spots.
263
00:17:28,470 --> 00:17:30,870
Once scum, always scum.
264
00:17:32,550 --> 00:17:35,090
Hi, everybody. I'm sorry to be late.
265
00:17:35,570 --> 00:17:36,630
Don't let me interrupt.
266
00:17:41,450 --> 00:17:42,490
Please continue.
267
00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:44,350
Well, we were just getting started.
268
00:17:44,950 --> 00:17:48,430
Does anyone have something they'd like
to discuss?
269
00:18:02,060 --> 00:18:05,160
seems that she's, um, partial to women.
270
00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:08,640
Oh, my God, really?
271
00:18:11,740 --> 00:18:13,900
Yes, Ralph, really.
272
00:18:15,180 --> 00:18:21,720
Well, it seems I kind of walked in on
her and a friend in a very
273
00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:23,500
inopportune moment.
274
00:18:34,510 --> 00:18:35,750
Anyone have any ideas?
275
00:18:46,790 --> 00:18:49,470
Well, if I might offer a suggestion.
276
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:57,730
If their behavior is not objectionable,
then what difference should their sexual
277
00:18:57,730 --> 00:18:58,730
preference make?
278
00:18:59,550 --> 00:19:01,230
It's like I always say.
279
00:19:02,470 --> 00:19:04,430
Live. And let live.
280
00:19:07,130 --> 00:19:10,470
Thank you, Kirk. That sounds prudent
advice.
281
00:19:11,030 --> 00:19:12,930
Well, aren't we here to help each other?
282
00:19:14,930 --> 00:19:16,370
You're absolutely right, Kirk.
283
00:19:17,090 --> 00:19:21,890
And on that note, I think we should all
welcome Kirk back into the group. I
284
00:19:21,890 --> 00:19:27,970
think I speak for all of us when I say
that his newfound sensitivity and
285
00:19:27,970 --> 00:19:29,750
makes a welcome change.
286
00:19:30,310 --> 00:19:31,310
Thank you.
287
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:36,460
I just want you all to know how much it
means to me that you take me back.
288
00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:39,160
It's our pleasure, dear.
289
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,580
It's almost like having a new member.
290
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:46,020
Everybody, hi, Kirk.
291
00:19:47,700 --> 00:19:48,700
Yes, Ralph.
292
00:19:48,940 --> 00:19:53,080
Good for you, Kirk. Thank you, John.
Well, now that that's settled, who'd
293
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:57,080
to begin? Ralph, have you had any luck
on the job front?
294
00:19:57,440 --> 00:20:00,300
Oh, um, excuse me, Louise.
295
00:20:00,580 --> 00:20:01,580
Yes, dear?
296
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:04,780
I certainly wouldn't want to disrupt the
group, so I just wanted to let you all
297
00:20:04,780 --> 00:20:07,540
know in advance that I have to leave
early tonight.
298
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:10,920
Why? I've got an emergency mission in...
299
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:17,560
I'm sorry, Ralphie. It's classified.
300
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:19,400
What did I tell you?
301
00:20:19,660 --> 00:20:20,660
Grandma was right.
302
00:20:20,860 --> 00:20:23,680
Oh, Kirk, you promised you wouldn't lie
about that spy stuff anymore.
303
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:24,839
I'm not lying.
304
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:25,840
Yeah, right.
305
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,120
All right, all right. Have it your own
way.
306
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:31,760
You know that?
307
00:20:32,020 --> 00:20:34,720
Making us believe all this spy stuff.
308
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:41,020
All this ridiculous mumbo -jumbo about
clandestine missions, secret identities,
309
00:20:41,260 --> 00:20:43,900
and classified information. I mean, give
us...
310
00:21:28,300 --> 00:21:29,300
Mr. Morris.
24247
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