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Thank you.
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is filmed for a studio audience.
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I think there's entirely too much
emphasis on marriage.
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Don't you hate it when you meet a guy
and he's terrific looking and he's got
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this great job and he treats you like a
princess?
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And then, on the third date, he spoils
it all by asking you to marry him.
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00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,720
Oh, yeah, that is such a killer.
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Lately, I've decided that men are like
streetcars.
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Street cars?
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Yes. When one comes along, you'd better
jump on it.
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It's amazing.
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Why is it that all the men in my family
who are still single are considered to
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be playing the field, but when it comes
to me, all I ever hear is, Any luck yet?
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I hear you, sisters.
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I'm sure you do, Mrs.
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Philbert. I imagine over your lifetime
you've had many experiences in which men
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have treated you in an undignified way.
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Yes, and I have pictures, too.
19
00:02:18,540 --> 00:02:22,140
Center Ski Weekend. The bus is picking
us up right here. A skiing weekend?
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I'm jealous.
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Yeah, so am I.
22
00:02:26,060 --> 00:02:27,860
Hi, everybody. Good night, Ralph.
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John, I didn't know you were going on a
ski trip. When did this come about? You
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know how the community center's been
raffling off these free ski weekends?
25
00:02:35,860 --> 00:02:37,000
Oh, John, you won.
26
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:38,280
No, Kirk did.
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He's taking me with him. So, in other
words, you lost.
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on an adventure enjoying all the best
nature has to offer.
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Oh, I almost forgot.
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This is for you.
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Oh, what's this?
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It's a walkie -talkie, John. Don't go
anywhere without that. This way here, we
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can scan twice as much territory in our
quest for snowbound bimbettes.
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00:03:38,500 --> 00:03:40,760
Hey, oh, you wait here. I'll show you.
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Oh, not a bad idea.
36
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Do you also want to share a can?
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Oh, yeah, but before we go, do you mind
if we stop upstairs and get some hot
38
00:04:31,770 --> 00:04:32,950
chocolate? Oh, that's a good idea.
39
00:06:09,930 --> 00:06:11,470
It's the same leg I hurt in the war.
40
00:06:13,010 --> 00:06:14,950
Oh, that's too bad.
41
00:06:15,210 --> 00:06:16,210
Yeah.
42
00:06:16,930 --> 00:06:19,310
Happened this morning on the 90 -meter
ski jump.
43
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Yeah.
44
00:06:23,270 --> 00:06:25,730
It was the second worst spill I ever
took.
45
00:06:27,930 --> 00:06:28,930
What was the worst?
46
00:06:29,330 --> 00:06:32,030
Well, did you ever see the opening of
the Wide World of Sports?
47
00:06:34,770 --> 00:06:37,330
I don't like to brag, but...
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I'm the agony of the thief.
49
00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:42,700
So, uh, what do you say?
50
00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:44,380
You want to sign my cast?
51
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:52,500
Is
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there any
53
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way to talk to a veteran?
54
00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:05,480
Why do people wear these things?
55
00:07:14,250 --> 00:07:16,950
There's eight inches of new powder on
the slopes. What are you doing in here?
56
00:07:16,950 --> 00:07:20,470
was waiting for you. I got reservations
for lunch. Oh, great. I can use some
57
00:07:20,470 --> 00:07:23,430
lunch. Hey, what, you go shopping? Yeah,
I stopped by the gift shop for a little
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reading material, and look what I found.
Sherlock Holmes?
59
00:07:26,270 --> 00:07:27,630
What's the matter? They were out of
People magazine?
60
00:07:28,130 --> 00:07:31,230
No, no, no, no. It's got Scandal and
Bohemia in it. I haven't read that story
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00:07:31,230 --> 00:07:34,290
a long time. It's a lot of fun. This is
the one where Sherlock Holmes disguises
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00:07:34,290 --> 00:07:38,050
himself as a priest. Uh, or is it a
beggar? He disguised himself as a
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He was a beggar and hounded the
basketballs.
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00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:44,020
Hey, thank you. Hey, you really know
you're Arthur Conan Doyle, don't you?
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00:07:44,260 --> 00:07:45,260
Well, I should.
66
00:07:45,420 --> 00:07:46,740
I'm a Baker Street irregular.
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00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:49,620
Have you tried a little oat bran in your
diet?
68
00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:52,520
Well, John Lacey.
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00:07:52,780 --> 00:07:55,880
Dave Preston. Kirk Morris. You really
are a part of the Sherlock Holmes
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00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:57,200
Well, you don't believe me?
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00:07:57,440 --> 00:07:58,440
Let me see.
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00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:00,100
You're from New York.
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00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,420
You're divorced, and you're a
schoolteacher.
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00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:03,860
How did you know that?
75
00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:06,620
Your New York accent?
76
00:08:07,260 --> 00:08:08,820
You're not wearing a wedding band.
77
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:13,520
talking about you to a redhead at the
bar. Oh.
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00:08:14,420 --> 00:08:17,300
Which is why I also know that your
friend here is a multimillionaire from
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California.
80
00:08:18,460 --> 00:08:19,460
Wow.
81
00:08:19,940 --> 00:08:20,940
That's very good.
82
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:23,580
Elementary, my dear Watson.
83
00:08:24,220 --> 00:08:25,220
Yeah, is that so?
84
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:28,680
Holmes, you're not only very clever,
you're also very nosy.
85
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:29,940
Brilliant deductions.
86
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:33,400
Uh, Judge, speaking of deductions, how
about we write this guy off?
87
00:08:35,179 --> 00:08:36,179
Hey, you know something?
88
00:08:36,620 --> 00:08:39,919
I was always very curious about when on
of those Baker Street meetings.
89
00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:42,480
Well, I'd be glad to tell you all about
it. I was just on my way up to the
90
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:43,480
slopes to do a little skiing.
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00:08:43,900 --> 00:08:44,900
You want to join me?
92
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:46,240
Yes, I would. Thank you.
93
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:47,520
Thank you very much.
94
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:51,660
Hey, Kirk, you want to come? Well, what
about lunch, John? I got us a table by
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00:08:51,660 --> 00:08:52,660
the window and everything.
96
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,480
Well, I think I'll grab a little
something later.
97
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:58,920
Oh, yeah, okay. Hey, but don't forget
about the singles mixer tonight. Yeah,
98
00:08:58,920 --> 00:08:59,920
right? You got it. Okay.
99
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:01,920
So tell me, what are they really good
at?
100
00:09:19,730 --> 00:09:22,230
What? You never heard of fake dealing?
101
00:09:30,990 --> 00:09:34,310
True, John. Absolutely true. Oh, wait a
minute. Are you crazy?
102
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:38,500
Are you stock raving, man? Is this high
altitude getting to you? I'm sorry, but
103
00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:41,620
a fact's a fact. I'm not going to give
in on this. You mean to tell me
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00:09:41,620 --> 00:09:44,700
sincerely, in your heart, that Abbott
was funnier than Costello?
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00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:46,639
He was.
106
00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:49,140
The next thing you'll tell me is that
Ethel was funnier than Lucy.
107
00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:51,220
No, but Fred was funnier than Ricky.
108
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,000
I'll have to give you that one.
109
00:10:09,450 --> 00:10:11,770
You said you were only going to play one
game. You've been over here for an hour
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and a half.
111
00:10:13,170 --> 00:10:14,170
Here they come.
112
00:10:14,250 --> 00:10:16,270
See? Look at this.
113
00:10:16,590 --> 00:10:17,590
Look at this.
114
00:10:17,730 --> 00:10:21,710
What do you say we go buy those two hot
bodies, two hot dotties? Maybe a little
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00:10:21,710 --> 00:10:23,290
later. A little later, okay?
116
00:10:24,050 --> 00:10:27,690
John, you and baby boy are spending way
too much time together.
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00:10:27,970 --> 00:10:29,950
People are starting to get perverse
thoughts.
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00:10:31,270 --> 00:10:32,270
What people?
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00:10:32,430 --> 00:10:34,030
Well, me for one.
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00:10:35,250 --> 00:10:37,410
Hey, guess what? I just found out they
got night skiing.
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You want to go?
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Yes, that's terrific. You're on.
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I'll meet you up front in five minutes.
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00:10:42,290 --> 00:10:45,450
What do you say, Kirk? Feel like a
little night skiing? John, what about
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00:10:45,450 --> 00:10:46,730
singles mixer tonight?
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00:10:47,070 --> 00:10:49,890
Come on, may I remind you our plan was
not night skiing.
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00:10:50,110 --> 00:10:53,030
Come on, Kirk. I've never been night
skiing before. I'd like to give it a
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00:10:53,070 --> 00:10:54,990
Come on, join us. I hate to leave you
here alone.
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00:10:55,630 --> 00:10:56,630
Alone?
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00:10:56,930 --> 00:10:57,930
You've got to be kidding.
131
00:10:58,590 --> 00:11:00,350
You see that snow bunny over there,
John?
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00:11:01,050 --> 00:11:03,710
Later on, her and I are going to go out
in the snow. We're going to take off all
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00:11:03,710 --> 00:11:04,910
our clothes and play Dr.
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00:11:05,650 --> 00:11:06,650
Zhavago.
135
00:11:11,660 --> 00:11:13,440
Hey, go wait up for me.
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00:11:43,980 --> 00:11:46,600
are freezing, and I don't have to tell
you what it's been like on the subway.
137
00:11:46,820 --> 00:11:50,920
Oh, yes, with all those strangers
pushing up against you, not to mention
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men with the roving hands.
139
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:54,320
Great, isn't it?
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00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:59,060
I am so mad, I could spit.
141
00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:02,660
Cold weather getting to you too, Mary
Beth?
142
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:07,480
No. I just found out I'm going to have
to fly to Miami Beach for the weekend.
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00:12:15,210 --> 00:12:16,210
a bunch of money.
144
00:12:17,190 --> 00:12:18,670
How dare they?
145
00:12:19,190 --> 00:12:23,130
And it's also last minute. The airline
had nothing left, so they had to bump me
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up to first class on an earlier flight.
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00:12:26,610 --> 00:12:28,290
Oh, no. Another snack.
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00:13:06,030 --> 00:13:10,030
street, and the guy behind the cash
register, he gave me the wave, and then
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00:13:10,030 --> 00:13:12,910
tried to hand me $75 and his whole
watch.
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00:13:14,650 --> 00:13:15,650
Go figure.
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00:13:18,030 --> 00:13:19,030
Hey, guys.
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00:13:19,110 --> 00:13:20,110
Hello, John.
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00:13:20,290 --> 00:13:21,990
How was the skiing weekend?
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00:13:22,490 --> 00:13:26,990
Yes. Did you and John have fun? Me and
my buddy John had the time of our lives.
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We were inseparable. He wouldn't make a
move without me.
156
00:13:30,850 --> 00:13:31,789
Hi, everyone.
157
00:13:31,790 --> 00:13:35,440
John, there you are. I've been trying to
call you all week. I've been very busy.
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00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:36,520
Did I get a call here tonight?
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00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:37,639
No, why?
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00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,740
I've been trying to land these tickets
to the Knicks -Celtics game.
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00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,680
Knicks -Celtics? Yeah. That's
practically impossible.
162
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:44,800
Well, tell me about it. I've been
calling all over. And you know, I think
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might just have spotted a couple.
164
00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:47,680
All right!
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00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:50,360
Hey!
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00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:56,560
So, uh, what were you calling me about,
Colonel? Oh, um, I thought you might
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00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:59,540
want to discuss some of the hidden
nuances of Sherlock Holmes.
168
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:02,260
Nuances? Yeah. Did you know?
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00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:03,740
Did you have any idea?
170
00:14:04,270 --> 00:14:10,790
Were you at all cognizant of the fact
that Sherlock played the violin and
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00:14:10,790 --> 00:14:12,490
he smoked a pipe?
172
00:14:14,490 --> 00:14:15,830
Gee, I didn't know that.
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00:14:16,290 --> 00:14:17,830
Well, now you do, buddy.
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00:14:21,150 --> 00:14:22,190
John Lacey?
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00:14:22,510 --> 00:14:27,270
John Lacey, me. Here. You get Foucault.
Oh, great! I bet we got those tickets.
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00:14:27,470 --> 00:14:28,470
Yes!
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00:14:28,850 --> 00:14:32,790
So, Chow Ling, how are the English
classes coming along?
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00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:34,820
English very well.
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00:14:36,420 --> 00:14:37,420
Hello?
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00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:45,280
Is John a great guy or what? I take him
on a ski weekend, and he's trying to pay
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00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:47,540
me back by getting us Nick Celtics
tickets.
182
00:14:48,140 --> 00:14:50,460
He's like the brother I never had.
183
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,200
Kirk, didn't you once tell us you had a
brother?
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00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:55,400
Yeah, but I hate his guts.
185
00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:00,140
Hey, guess what? I got him. I got him.
Two great seats.
186
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,800
Yeah, and Dave's an even bigger Knicks
fan than I am.
187
00:15:08,340 --> 00:15:10,080
Dave? Yeah, Dave. Dave Travis.
188
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:13,420
Kirk and I met him up at the ski lodge.
He's a terrific guy, isn't he, Kirk?
189
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:15,040
Oh, yeah.
190
00:15:16,260 --> 00:15:18,220
Terrific. Barrel of laughs, this guy.
191
00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:20,300
Oh.
192
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:23,980
Oh, whoa, look at the time.
193
00:15:24,460 --> 00:15:25,460
I just remembered.
194
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:30,040
Old Blue Eyes is in town, and he wanted
me to help him pick out a couple of
195
00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:33,940
songs. Oh, come on, Kirk. You expect us
to believe you're meeting Frank Sinatra
196
00:15:33,940 --> 00:15:34,940
tonight?
197
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:36,160
Leave whatever you want.
198
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:40,480
Hey, what's with him?
199
00:15:41,180 --> 00:15:42,900
John, that wasn't very nice.
200
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:45,440
No, it certainly wasn't. Excuse me?
201
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:47,080
Kirk was very hurt.
202
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:48,560
What are you talking about?
203
00:15:48,820 --> 00:15:50,280
You should be ashamed of yourself.
204
00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:52,980
And I don't even know what's going on.
205
00:15:54,900 --> 00:15:57,280
Well, would someone please tell me
what's going on here?
206
00:15:57,760 --> 00:16:01,200
Kirk thought you were taking him to the
basketball game.
207
00:16:01,740 --> 00:16:02,820
Yeah, but I already asked Dave.
208
00:16:03,300 --> 00:16:04,540
Dave, why would you...
209
00:16:05,580 --> 00:16:08,340
What do you mean, what? I enjoy his
company. We get along great together.
210
00:16:08,780 --> 00:16:12,500
Besides, we practically spent the entire
weekend together, he and I. Well, what
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00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:14,180
was Kurt doing all this time?
212
00:16:14,580 --> 00:16:15,900
I don't know. He was off doing his own
thing.
213
00:16:16,180 --> 00:16:18,200
No wonder his feelings were hurt.
214
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:23,540
I know if I went away for the weekend
with somebody, I'd be devastated if they
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00:16:23,540 --> 00:16:25,200
spent all their time with somebody else.
216
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:27,820
Has that actually ever happened to you?
217
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:31,640
Don't be silly.
218
00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:35,700
think so.
219
00:16:35,940 --> 00:16:38,800
Anyway, John, that is no way to treat a
friend.
220
00:16:39,020 --> 00:16:40,160
A friend? Kirk?
221
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:45,520
Oh, come on. All right. I guess so, but
not in a traditional sense.
222
00:16:46,100 --> 00:16:48,900
Besides, what is your definition of a
friend?
223
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:51,920
Maybe someone who takes you on a free
ski weekend?
224
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:55,900
Yes, someone who'd give you a nickname
like Big Bear.
225
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,980
Someone who tells you things you never
knew about Sherlock Holmes?
226
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:03,960
John, we're all supposed to be friends
here.
227
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,859
Oh, come on, Kate. We all know what you
think of Kirk.
228
00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:10,280
For crying out loud, you wouldn't even
let me give him your phone number. All
229
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,680
right, okay, so I was wrong.
230
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:16,440
Look, next time he asks for my phone
number, give it to him.
231
00:17:18,099 --> 00:17:23,460
John, if Kirk's not your friend, what
about the rest of us?
232
00:17:23,780 --> 00:17:25,180
Yes, what are we?
233
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:30,120
Oh, come on. You guys are, uh... I mean,
you guys are...
234
00:17:34,590 --> 00:17:35,790
Right. Right.
235
00:17:37,750 --> 00:17:39,150
I've been an insensitive jerk.
236
00:17:41,190 --> 00:17:42,830
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to find
Kirk.
237
00:17:44,610 --> 00:17:46,070
I've got to patch up our friendship.
238
00:17:46,370 --> 00:17:47,410
That's the spirit, John.
239
00:17:47,690 --> 00:17:49,430
Oh, yeah. I also have to give him your
phone number.
240
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:11,740
Kirk, I... I got your message.
241
00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:14,640
Well, you didn't have to come all the
way over here. I just wanted to tell you
242
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,180
something. No, I wanted to come over.
243
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:21,780
Because, uh... There's something I want
to tell you, too.
244
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,980
Yeah, I guess you do. I guess you have a
lot to say.
245
00:18:26,340 --> 00:18:28,740
Now, look, whatever feelings you want to
get off your chest, I understand.
246
00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:33,880
I want my walkie -talkie back.
247
00:18:40,170 --> 00:18:41,170
You do?
248
00:18:41,630 --> 00:18:45,070
A walkie -talkie is a thing that needs
two people, John.
249
00:18:45,490 --> 00:18:46,490
Two friends.
250
00:18:47,390 --> 00:18:51,350
Otherwise, it's meaningless. It's just a
walkie.
251
00:18:52,850 --> 00:18:53,970
Without the talkie.
252
00:18:55,070 --> 00:18:58,130
Well, I'm sorry, Kirk. I can't give it
back to you because I need it. What are
253
00:18:58,130 --> 00:18:59,089
you talking about?
254
00:18:59,090 --> 00:19:02,630
See, I just won the community center ski
trip for this weekend.
255
00:19:02,930 --> 00:19:04,190
Oh, I get it.
256
00:19:04,470 --> 00:19:07,250
And you want to borrow my hair for the
walkie -talkie for Dave.
257
00:19:07,530 --> 00:19:08,750
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
258
00:19:09,770 --> 00:19:11,650
Would I want to go with a guy I just
met?
259
00:19:12,070 --> 00:19:12,889
No way.
260
00:19:12,890 --> 00:19:14,470
I want to go with a guy I know.
261
00:19:15,510 --> 00:19:17,130
A guy I have something in common with.
262
00:19:18,210 --> 00:19:19,210
You know, a friend.
263
00:19:19,890 --> 00:19:20,890
A buddy.
264
00:19:23,170 --> 00:19:24,170
Who?
265
00:19:25,430 --> 00:19:27,390
You. You're the friend I want to go
with.
266
00:19:28,770 --> 00:19:30,770
Oh, what's the matter? A little Davey
busy?
267
00:19:31,050 --> 00:19:34,430
Oh, would you stop it with Dave already?
Look, you want a weekend and you ask
268
00:19:34,430 --> 00:19:35,189
me, right?
269
00:19:35,190 --> 00:19:36,630
And why? Because I'm your friend.
270
00:19:37,110 --> 00:19:40,540
Now... I want a weekend, and I'm asking
you. And why? Because you're my friend.
271
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:44,120
Now, look, I gave it a lot of thought.
Mr. Lacey, this is the Chaparral Ski
272
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:48,140
Lodge. We got the wrong expiration date
on your credit card. Please call us
273
00:19:48,140 --> 00:19:49,140
back.
274
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:53,800
Credit card?
275
00:19:54,720 --> 00:20:01,260
You didn't win a free ski weekend, did
you, John?
276
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,480
Uh, no, Kirk, I did not.
277
00:20:06,140 --> 00:20:11,600
You... spent your own money, a lot of
money, to be with someone you like.
278
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:14,400
Me.
279
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:17,880
And you weren't even going to tell me,
were you?
280
00:20:20,660 --> 00:20:22,260
Talk about pathetic.
281
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:33,140
John, John, John, you poor, lonely man.
22457
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