All language subtitles for dear_john_s02e13_kirks_problem

could get the help of the right coach. I
know I can make it on Jeopardy.

Who are you going to get to coach you,
Ralph?

Just the smartest man I know.

John, John, go ahead. Try me. Go ahead.
Go ahead.

Ask me a question.

Any question.

Based on a Charles Dickens novel, it was
a British musical about an orphan.

What is Oliver?

It's atomic nomenclature is N -A -C -L.

What is group support?

What is shut up and sit down?

Correct.

Well, why don't we start?

Excuse me.

Yes, dear, may I help you? I'm looking
for the folks with the rat marriages.

I hate to admit it, but you found us.
Come in, dear.

Whoa!

I would personally like to welcome you
to our little family here. Allow me.

Thank you, Kurt. That's very thoughtful.

I'm Louise. This is Ralph, Kate, John,
Mrs. Filbert, and Tom.

Hi, everyone.

Mary Beth, it took some time before any
of us felt comfortable speaking about

the breakup of our marriages. In time,
I'm sure you'll feel comfortable...

Talking about your marriage, too.

Now, who'd like to start?

My husband was dirty.

My marriage started falling apart when I
told him I was more than just a

decoration in the bedroom.

I got angry with him, but he just
ignored me.

I think you're going to be very good at
this.

because I was tired of just being the
wife of one of Maryland's largest car

dealers. I wanted to write for the
magazine, but then he said I was too

be taken seriously.

Well, you are very cute.

God, I hate that word.

It is overused, yes.

I'm sorry.

But just because of the way I talk and
look, every guy I meet wants to treat me

like I'm some sort of Barbie doll.

You too, huh?

Not for what you look like.

Hear, hear.

You agree?

Absolutely.

Oh, Kirk, come on.

Now, I know you all get tired of hearing
me say the same thing week after week,

but when I get to know a woman, it's on
a very deep level.

I don't know how many times I've
forgotten from one day to the next what

looks like simply because...

I was so focused on who she is inside.

That's incredible.

Unbelievable.

Just last week, I was supposed to meet
my friend and equal, Jane Fonda,

at the mall, and I walked right past
her. Jane Fonda. Please.

I don't like the name dropping. It's not
really pertinent to the story.

The point is, because I was so focused
on who she is inside, until she threw

arms around me, I didn't even recognize
her.

When you look at me, what do you see?

A pioneer.

A woman of substance, a woman of depth,
a woman with vision.

Kirk, you are a breath of fresh air.

A woman with no sense of smell.

All right, I'm ready, coach.

Ask me any question on this page. Round,
round, later, okay? We'll go back to my

place. All right. We should never have
let Kirk sit alone with Mary Beth.

She's everything he looks for in a
victim.

Pretty and naive.

Breathing and conscious.

I mean, just because I am not afraid to
cry in public, is that a crime?

If it is, then lock me up and put me in
worse prison.

Clark, you are so special.

Maybe, Chance, would you like to come
back to my place for some coffee?

Coffee? Gee, I don't know. It's such an
aggressive drink.

Maybe, why don't we just go over, have a
cup of herbal tea, and maybe discuss

world hunger?

Excuse me, Mr. Morris.

Do you have an urgent long -distance
phone call?

Who is it?

Greenpeace?

I'd better take this. It could involve
sea turtles.

Well, you take that call.

I'm going to go to the little girl.

I can't believe a word they wrote about
me in

there.

Could we appeal to a sense of morality?

Perk's sense of morality?

Bartender, no more drinks for this man.

John.

What do you want?

Hey, hey, hey. Am I sensing a little
hostility here, John? Yes, you bet you

You are playing with the emotions of a
sweet and innocent girl over there.

we happen to be having a very moving and
meaningful conversation.

About what?

Me.

John, I need a small log. Just enough to
cover my tab. And an extra five for the

waiter. No.

Come on, John.

I don't feel right sticking her with the
bill.

Not on the first date, anyway.

You should have thought of that before
you invited her in here.

All right, John.

What? I like to bring up things from the
past, but remember that time you were

coming down with the flu?

It was freezing outside, you lost your
wallet, and you needed to get home? You

gave me money for the bus. What?

And I did that without any intention of
getting paid back. I paid you back.

But that was not my intention.

I was willing to fight with that money
for a lifetime if necessary.

Kirk, it was a dollar. John, we're not
talking amounts here. We're talking

emotion. You don't have any human
emotion.

Maybe not, but I got debts.

And I thought that I had a friend.

Okay.

Little Ant.

The very last time. How much do you
need? One.

But, um, if it's really the last time,
I'll take 400.

How's everything at Greenpeace? Oh,
don't ask.

I cannot tell you how much it thieves me
to know that somewhere out there at

this very moment, a Japanese person is
chasing a whale.

Good night.

Good night.

I always wanted to

assert myself, but my husband told me it
was unladylike.

That beast.

I'm sorry.

It's just that I've always felt that
when men...

deny women the opportunity to express
their feelings, they're only cheating

themselves.

Oh, there I go again.

I must be boring you, silly.

Oh, no, no, no.

You're not boring at all.

You really don't mind a woman being
assertive?

No. And you don't think it's wrong for a
woman to feel as strongly about a man

as a man feels about a woman?

No. Good.

Then you're mine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I
haven't done this for a long time, so

better be pretty damn good.

The Grand Dame of the Moscow Art
Theater. She emigrated.

Very good, Ralph.

No, I mean it. Who is Maria?

Let's just keep going. Oh, the guys at
work are going to go crazy when I win

that money.

I'll be the toast of the Lincoln Tunnel.
Ralph, Ralph, don't get carried away.

Don't get carried away. I'll still be
humble, John. I won't forget the common

man. Little guy in his car reaching up
to me with his quarters. I'll still take

him and say, have a nice day.

But now I won't have to mean it. Thank
you, Ralph.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down here.

I mean, it's one thing to be a living
room champion. It's another thing to do

for real. Now, remember, you're going to
be in a studio with the pressure of a

live studio audience staring at you.

And millions watching at home.

Like your family and friends and your co
-workers down at the tunnel, all hoping

you're going to come up with the right
answer.

Oh, God!

Okay, now for Final Jeopardy!

Caused by bacteria of the genus
Pastorella, this typically fatal disease

often transmitted by fleas.

and splash some cold water on your face,
okay? No,

what a waste!

I spent all that time getting smart for
nothing!

John, it's a good thing you're home.

I have to talk to you about something
terrible.

What is it?

What's the matter?

John?

I failed.

I'm not a man anymore.

I don't even deserve to be in these
pants.

Now, Kirk, don't take this wrong, but
nobody deserves to be in those pants.

John! Hey, okay, okay.

Does this have anything to do with Mary
Beth?

Oh, right, it's all over town already.

Oh, no, come on, Kirk. You're not the
only guy who didn't score on the first

date. Oh, no, John.

It's worse than that.

In the heat of battle, I couldn't get my
soldier to salute.

Kirk, are you... That's right, yeah.

That's right.

I'm, uh... Infinite.

I got the big eye!

Kurt!

What are you doing here?

Oh, uh... Just visiting.

What are you doing here?

Just visiting.

How'd it go with Mary Beth?

Great, why shouldn't it?

How's everything going with Jeopardy?
Great. Why shouldn't it?

Well, say hello to Mary Beth.

Yeah. Oh, say hello to Alex Trebek.

Oh, yeah.

Well,

never mind.

Oh, this is the absolute worst night of
my life.

It's got to be a simple explanation for
what happened.

You were overtired. I was raring to go.

You had too much on your mind.

Sucks. You drank too much. Not a drop.

Then again, you might be impotent.

I was fighting for my life with Mary
Beth.

You should have heard her with the
instructions.

Touch me here. Don't touch me there.
Stop, stop.

It was more complicated than setting the
timer on my VCR.

Well, there you go. There you go, Kurt.

You couldn't perform?

Because she scared you to death. What's
the difference why it happened?

It happened.

My life is over. Oh, come on, don't be
ridiculous. It happens to a lot of guys.

They just don't want to talk about it,
that's all.

You're just trying to make me feel bad.
No, no, I'm not, I'm not. It's true,

actually true.

All right, you confided in me, I'll
confide in you.

It happened to me once.

Yeah, I was with my wife in Cincinnati.

It's different, John. You had a real
excuse.

What?

Just because I was with my wife? No,
because you were in Cincinnati.

All right, don't dwell on it.

It's not all that embarrassing. I mean,
it's like what Louise was talking about

in the group. No, the group.

Oh, no, what if Mary Beth bleds?

Everybody's going to find out. I'll be
the laughing stock. That's it.

I can't go back to the group. What do
you mean? You can't leave the group.

I mean, everybody there thinks of you
as... You're the one that's supposed to

be... You're very... Well, anyway, you
can't leave the group.

Give Mary Beth a little credit here.
She's not going to talk about this. I

take that chance.

My reputation is on the line. Oh, will
you stop letting that damn ego get in

your way?

I mean, there's a lot more to being a
man than living up to your dumb, macho

image.

I should have known better to come to
you with a problem like this, John.

Any guy that is anything is macho.

Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, Stallone.

Schwarzenegger? Chuck Norris?

Those are men.

Yeah? What about Schweitzer?

Einstein? What about Gandhi?

Gandhi?

Get real, John.

Come on. The only time Gandhi got under
the sheets was when he was wearing them.

to your dreams?

Yeah. Well, Mary Beth, I'm glad you
decided to come back again.

Oh, me too, Louise.

I thought you said she wasn't going to
show up. So what? So what? So what?

panic. I promise you.

I won't let her talk about it, okay? No,
no, I promise.

I'll just walk back in there as if it's
fine.

Just go in. Just go back in.

Well, it looks like everyone's fine.
Finally decided to join us. Good.

Because there's something I really need
to talk about.

problem having on a date the other
night?

Was it a sexual problem?

Well, yes, it was.

Come on,

dear.

As most of you probably know, last
Friday night... Mary Beth, excuse me.

Sexual problems tend to be a little
personal.

I mean, I think there's some more
appropriate place to talk about things

that than a support group.

John, button it.

Come on, dear.

Last Friday night, I invited Kirk back
to my apartment.

of my husband.

And I thought the answer was to go the
other way. To be more assertive.

So, I did something completely out of
character for me.

I decided to be the cat.

And Kirk was my mouse.

I threw myself at him.

And do you know what Kirk did?

I'm not saying it was easy.

After all, I am a man.

A man's man.

And denying this young lady went against
every fiber in my being.

But there was Mary Beth.

A delicate little flower.

Trembling at the timber line.

Should I block her?

No.

Not Sir Kirk the Temperate.

Kirk, Kirk, Kirk.

Maybe you better quit while you're
ahead. I mean, there might be some other

people who would like to talk tonight.
You're right. I'm sorry, John. I am

hogging the floor.

John, you probably want to tell
everybody about that time in Cincinnati.

Sam's leaping into the life of a
football hero and looking to score some

with his best friend on an all -new
Quantum Leap. And Friday night, the True

Blue team goes into action a little
earlier at 8, 7 Central and Mountain,

followed by an NBC world premiere movie,
Murder in Paradise.

Friday night, only on NBC.

Not to be the rudest city on the face of
the earth. I could just scream. Trust

me, it won't help.

You're right, it doesn't.

I can't believe I ran a block and a half
just to have a bus driver slam the door

in my face.

And when he drove away, he covered me
from head to foot in black slush.

I know. I waited 30 minutes for a taxi.

And when I finally got one to stop...

I don't believe it.

We get pushed around and ignored, and
she gets a cab driver to carry her up

steps. It just isn't fair.

You're right.