Original subtitles

could get the help of the right coach. I know I can make it on Jeopardy.

Who are you going to get to coach you, Ralph?

Just the smartest man I know.

John, John, go ahead. Try me. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Ask me a question.

Any question.

Based on a Charles Dickens novel, it was a British musical about an orphan.

What is Oliver?

It's atomic nomenclature is N -A -C -L.

What is group support?

What is shut up and sit down?

Correct.

Well, why don't we start?

Excuse me.

Yes, dear, may I help you? I'm looking for the folks with the rat marriages.

I hate to admit it, but you found us. Come in, dear.

Whoa!

I would personally like to welcome you to our little family here. Allow me.

Thank you, Kurt. That's very thoughtful.

I'm Louise. This is Ralph, Kate, John, Mrs. Filbert, and Tom.

Hi, everyone.

Mary Beth, it took some time before any of us felt comfortable speaking about

the breakup of our marriages. In time, I'm sure you'll feel comfortable...

Talking about your marriage, too.

Now, who'd like to start?

My husband was dirty.

My marriage started falling apart when I told him I was more than just a

decoration in the bedroom.

I got angry with him, but he just ignored me.

I think you're going to be very good at this.

because I was tired of just being the wife of one of Maryland's largest car

dealers. I wanted to write for the magazine, but then he said I was too

be taken seriously.

Well, you are very cute.

God, I hate that word.

It is overused, yes.

I'm sorry.

But just because of the way I talk and look, every guy I meet wants to treat me

like I'm some sort of Barbie doll.

You too, huh?

Not for what you look like.

Hear, hear.

You agree?

Absolutely.

Oh, Kirk, come on.

Now, I know you all get tired of hearing me say the same thing week after week,

but when I get to know a woman, it's on a very deep level.

I don't know how many times I've forgotten from one day to the next what

looks like simply because...

I was so focused on who she is inside.

That's incredible.

Unbelievable.

Just last week, I was supposed to meet my friend and equal, Jane Fonda,

at the mall, and I walked right past her. Jane Fonda. Please.

I don't like the name dropping. It's not really pertinent to the story.

The point is, because I was so focused on who she is inside, until she threw

arms around me, I didn't even recognize her.

When you look at me, what do you see?

A pioneer.

A woman of substance, a woman of depth, a woman with vision.

Kirk, you are a breath of fresh air.

A woman with no sense of smell.

All right, I'm ready, coach.

Ask me any question on this page. Round, round, later, okay? We'll go back to my

place. All right. We should never have let Kirk sit alone with Mary Beth.

She's everything he looks for in a victim.

Pretty and naive.

Breathing and conscious.

I mean, just because I am not afraid to cry in public, is that a crime?

If it is, then lock me up and put me in worse prison.

Clark, you are so special.

Maybe, Chance, would you like to come back to my place for some coffee?

Coffee? Gee, I don't know. It's such an aggressive drink.

Maybe, why don't we just go over, have a cup of herbal tea, and maybe discuss

world hunger?

Excuse me, Mr. Morris.

Do you have an urgent long -distance phone call?

Who is it?

Greenpeace?

I'd better take this. It could involve sea turtles.

Well, you take that call.

I'm going to go to the little girl.

I can't believe a word they wrote about me in

there.

Could we appeal to a sense of morality?

Perk's sense of morality?

Bartender, no more drinks for this man.

John.

What do you want?

Hey, hey, hey. Am I sensing a little hostility here, John? Yes, you bet you

You are playing with the emotions of a sweet and innocent girl over there.

we happen to be having a very moving and meaningful conversation.

About what?

Me.

John, I need a small log. Just enough to cover my tab. And an extra five for the

waiter. No.

Come on, John.

I don't feel right sticking her with the bill.

Not on the first date, anyway.

You should have thought of that before you invited her in here.

All right, John.

What? I like to bring up things from the past, but remember that time you were

coming down with the flu?

It was freezing outside, you lost your wallet, and you needed to get home? You

gave me money for the bus. What?

And I did that without any intention of getting paid back. I paid you back.

But that was not my intention.

I was willing to fight with that money for a lifetime if necessary.

Kirk, it was a dollar. John, we're not talking amounts here. We're talking

emotion. You don't have any human emotion.

Maybe not, but I got debts.

And I thought that I had a friend.

Okay.

Little Ant.

The very last time. How much do you need? One.

But, um, if it's really the last time, I'll take 400.

How's everything at Greenpeace? Oh, don't ask.

I cannot tell you how much it thieves me to know that somewhere out there at

this very moment, a Japanese person is chasing a whale.

Good night.

Good night.

I always wanted to

assert myself, but my husband told me it was unladylike.

That beast.

I'm sorry.

It's just that I've always felt that when men...

deny women the opportunity to express their feelings, they're only cheating

themselves.

Oh, there I go again.

I must be boring you, silly.

Oh, no, no, no.

You're not boring at all.

You really don't mind a woman being assertive?

No. And you don't think it's wrong for a woman to feel as strongly about a man

as a man feels about a woman?

No. Good.

Then you're mine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I haven't done this for a long time, so

better be pretty damn good.

The Grand Dame of the Moscow Art Theater. She emigrated.

Very good, Ralph.

No, I mean it. Who is Maria?

Let's just keep going. Oh, the guys at work are going to go crazy when I win

that money.

I'll be the toast of the Lincoln Tunnel. Ralph, Ralph, don't get carried away.

Don't get carried away. I'll still be humble, John. I won't forget the common

man. Little guy in his car reaching up to me with his quarters. I'll still take

him and say, have a nice day.

But now I won't have to mean it. Thank you, Ralph.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down here.

I mean, it's one thing to be a living room champion. It's another thing to do

for real. Now, remember, you're going to be in a studio with the pressure of a

live studio audience staring at you.

And millions watching at home.

Like your family and friends and your co -workers down at the tunnel, all hoping

you're going to come up with the right answer.

Oh, God!

Okay, now for Final Jeopardy!

Caused by bacteria of the genus Pastorella, this typically fatal disease

often transmitted by fleas.

and splash some cold water on your face, okay? No,

what a waste!

I spent all that time getting smart for nothing!

John, it's a good thing you're home.

I have to talk to you about something terrible.

What is it?

What's the matter?

John?

I failed.

I'm not a man anymore.

I don't even deserve to be in these pants.

Now, Kirk, don't take this wrong, but nobody deserves to be in those pants.

John! Hey, okay, okay.

Does this have anything to do with Mary Beth?

Oh, right, it's all over town already.

Oh, no, come on, Kirk. You're not the only guy who didn't score on the first

date. Oh, no, John.

It's worse than that.

In the heat of battle, I couldn't get my soldier to salute.

Kirk, are you... That's right, yeah.

That's right.

I'm, uh... Infinite.

I got the big eye!

Kurt!

What are you doing here?

Oh, uh... Just visiting.

What are you doing here?

Just visiting.

How'd it go with Mary Beth?

Great, why shouldn't it?

How's everything going with Jeopardy? Great. Why shouldn't it?

Well, say hello to Mary Beth.

Yeah. Oh, say hello to Alex Trebek.

Oh, yeah.

Well,

never mind.

Oh, this is the absolute worst night of my life.

It's got to be a simple explanation for what happened.

You were overtired. I was raring to go.

You had too much on your mind.

Sucks. You drank too much. Not a drop.

Then again, you might be impotent.

I was fighting for my life with Mary Beth.

You should have heard her with the instructions.

Touch me here. Don't touch me there. Stop, stop.

It was more complicated than setting the timer on my VCR.

Well, there you go. There you go, Kurt.

You couldn't perform?

Because she scared you to death. What's the difference why it happened?

It happened.

My life is over. Oh, come on, don't be ridiculous. It happens to a lot of guys.

They just don't want to talk about it, that's all.

You're just trying to make me feel bad. No, no, I'm not, I'm not. It's true,

actually true.

All right, you confided in me, I'll confide in you.

It happened to me once.

Yeah, I was with my wife in Cincinnati.

It's different, John. You had a real excuse.

What?

Just because I was with my wife? No, because you were in Cincinnati.

All right, don't dwell on it.

It's not all that embarrassing. I mean, it's like what Louise was talking about

in the group. No, the group.

Oh, no, what if Mary Beth bleds?

Everybody's going to find out. I'll be the laughing stock. That's it.

I can't go back to the group. What do you mean? You can't leave the group.

I mean, everybody there thinks of you as... You're the one that's supposed to

be... You're very... Well, anyway, you can't leave the group.

Give Mary Beth a little credit here. She's not going to talk about this. I

take that chance.

My reputation is on the line. Oh, will you stop letting that damn ego get in

your way?

I mean, there's a lot more to being a man than living up to your dumb, macho

image.

I should have known better to come to you with a problem like this, John.

Any guy that is anything is macho.

Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, Stallone.

Schwarzenegger? Chuck Norris?

Those are men.

Yeah? What about Schweitzer?

Einstein? What about Gandhi?

Gandhi?

Get real, John.

Come on. The only time Gandhi got under the sheets was when he was wearing them.

to your dreams?

Yeah. Well, Mary Beth, I'm glad you decided to come back again.

Oh, me too, Louise.

I thought you said she wasn't going to show up. So what? So what? So what?

panic. I promise you.

I won't let her talk about it, okay? No, no, I promise.

I'll just walk back in there as if it's fine.

Just go in. Just go back in.

Well, it looks like everyone's fine. Finally decided to join us. Good.

Because there's something I really need to talk about.

problem having on a date the other night?

Was it a sexual problem?

Well, yes, it was.

Come on,

dear.

As most of you probably know, last Friday night... Mary Beth, excuse me.

Sexual problems tend to be a little personal.

I mean, I think there's some more appropriate place to talk about things

that than a support group.

John, button it.

Come on, dear.

Last Friday night, I invited Kirk back to my apartment.

of my husband.

And I thought the answer was to go the other way. To be more assertive.

So, I did something completely out of character for me.

I decided to be the cat.

And Kirk was my mouse.

I threw myself at him.

And do you know what Kirk did?

I'm not saying it was easy.

After all, I am a man.

A man's man.

And denying this young lady went against every fiber in my being.

But there was Mary Beth.

A delicate little flower.

Trembling at the timber line.

Should I block her?

No.

Not Sir Kirk the Temperate.

Kirk, Kirk, Kirk.

Maybe you better quit while you're ahead. I mean, there might be some other

people who would like to talk tonight. You're right. I'm sorry, John. I am

hogging the floor.

John, you probably want to tell everybody about that time in Cincinnati.

Sam's leaping into the life of a football hero and looking to score some

with his best friend on an all -new Quantum Leap. And Friday night, the True

Blue team goes into action a little earlier at 8, 7 Central and Mountain,

followed by an NBC world premiere movie, Murder in Paradise.

Friday night, only on NBC.

Not to be the rudest city on the face of the earth. I could just scream. Trust

me, it won't help.

You're right, it doesn't.

I can't believe I ran a block and a half just to have a bus driver slam the door

in my face.

And when he drove away, he covered me from head to foot in black slush.

I know. I waited 30 minutes for a taxi.

And when I finally got one to stop...

I don't believe it.

We get pushed around and ignored, and she gets a cab driver to carry her up

steps. It just isn't fair.

You're right.