Original subtitles

If this was your wife and these were your...

I have a memo from the community centre.

In keeping with national fire safety months, we will be conducting a series

random fire drills.

When the alarm bell rings, all persons must evacuate the building in a calm,

orderly manner.

Please note...

To avoid the recurrence of last year's near -fatal bottleneck in the stairwell,

the overeating anonymous group will exit single file through the double door.

Oh, my second husband was a fireman. In fact, that's how I met him.

My first husband liked to smoke in bed.

Thank you for sharing that with us, Mrs. Gilbert.

Anytime.

What's with the TV?

That's Wally, the custodian.

Let me put it this way, Ralph. What's the TV doing here?

Ralph asked if you could take a few minutes of our time. He has a

to show us. Ralph?

Ladies and gentlemen, you are now looking at an official part -time sales

representative of the Positive Prosperity Process.

It's a collection of books, audio tapes, and videos on the secrets of success.

With the help of this program, I intend to make the world a better place for

mankind, and in my spare time, clear six figures before the year's end.

Any questions?

Uh, yes.

I got a question, Ralphie.

How fast was that turnip truck going when you fell off?

I'm glad you asked, sir.

I'm talking about this book, The Positive Prosperity Process.

Everything in life can be yours for only $9 .95 plus tax.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the man who is changing my life the way he's

about to change yours.

Hi, I'm T -Pat Conner, founder of the Positive Prosperity Process.

Thanks to my seven steps, I became a world -renowned author.

lecturer, and horse breeder.

But the prosperity process isn't only about business.

It's about achievement and self -esteem.

In other words, with the right attitude, you too can be more like me.

I'm sure there are skeptics out there.

Just remember, friends, prosperity is no longer out of reach.

So, welcome to my wonderful... world of endless opportunities.

And now, my good friend... Insert name here.

We'll go into further detail.

Thank you, T -Pat.

Go to page two.

Now, wait, Ralph.

You're not getting serious about this, are you? I'm starting to worry about

Don't waste time on negative thoughts, John. Listen to this unsolicited

testimonial from Larry C. in Muncie, Indiana.

I was at the end of my rope. I was lonely, desperate, and had lost the will

live.

But after reading T. Pat Conner's book, I am now a happy man and deliver bottled

water.

Ralph, Ralph.

I hate to say this, but this is the oldest scam in the world. When they

you in, it ends up costing you a fortune. Yeah, Ralphie, if you don't

books, you get stuck for the money, right? No, no, the old Ralph would have

gotten stuck, but the new Ralph has the confidence.

to sell the 200 books I bought.

Don't worry, don't worry.

T -Pat said I could buy more any time I want.

I think he likes me.

Oh, me too. Thanks, Mrs. Filberstein. There you go, Tom. John, what about you?

Okay, it's against my better judgment.

Here, give this to T -Pat.

Tell him to buy himself a first name. There you go.

All right, Ralphie, I'll show you what kind of a sport I am. Give me two.

Whoa, thanks, Kirk.

All right, I owe you 20 bucks.

Now, take a look at this.

Recreation Today.

Yep, yours truly, Brad Derman, just had his first literary effort published.

You published?

You're surprised, huh? I bet you didn't know I could write.

I gotta be honest, Brad, I didn't know you could read.

Hey, hey, please, a little respect. Would you talk that way to Sidney

All right, which one did you write?

Well, after we got blown out of the volleyball finals last month, I had a

of beers.

And I decided to write the story of the game from the point of view of the

volleyball. Oh, yeah, I see. Here it is.

Slapped around.

My life is a ball.

Catchy, huh?

What about you, John? You write a lot of that poetry stuff.

You ever have anything published?

No, I never even submitted anything.

What are you waiting for? Send something to a publisher.

No, no, I can't. I can't. What do you mean you can't?

A volleyball has feelings, too?

I have been doing the same work as this guy next to me, Norman Krennic.

Only I make less money.

And I've always been afraid to ask my boss why. Well, today I walked past my

boss's office and I figured, you know, what the heck? What have I got to lose?

So I walked in, confronted him, and guess what? Look, I got a $50 raise.

John,

aren't you going to congratulate Kate on her raise? Oh, I'm sorry, Kate. I'm

just so frustrated.

I finally got up enough nerve to submit some of my poems to a publisher. And I

never even got a response. Look what they published, huh? In another

This drivel written by a walking jockstrap with glasses.

Could be that negative attitude that's holding you back.

What's that supposed to mean?

Have you by any chance read T. Pat Connors' book?

Read it? I don't even know where I threw it.

Well, I read it. And I'm glad I did.

Especially the chapter on facing your fears.

It gave me the positive attitude I needed to walk into my boss's office and

confront him.

It wasn't the money.

It was the principle of the thing. Believe me, the money had nothing to do

it.

Because you deserved it. That stupid book had nothing to do with it.

Hi, everybody.

Where have you been, Ralph, huh?

Don Ho's garage sale?

Ralph, I think you look wonderful. I think life's wonderful thanks to you.

And to Pat Connors.

Well, I'll tell him that when I see him.

I sent him my application and my $100.

check to the T. Pat Conner Executive Training Program in Atlanta.

Oh, no. Let me guess. They accepted your application.

No, but it's looking good. They accepted my check.

And as soon as I hear the word, I'm going to march right down to the toll

and give them my notice.

You're going to leave your job at the Lincoln Tunnel? You bet. No, wait a

minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ralph, aren't you moving a little fast here? This

whole thing could fail.

Fail? Fail? John, the book teaches us never...

Oh, come on, Kate. You can't tie everything good that happens to that

book. Besides, some things happen just because of dumb luck.

Am I a lucky guy or what?

I rest my case.

What a book.

I read the chapter on how to get what you want. You know what I got last

Tina.

The only thing I didn't get last night is sleep.

Thanks to you, Ralph, I am exhausted.

It's my pleasure.

Oh, not another fire drill.

Come on, Cap.

Fire drill means everybody.

That's right. I just hope Tina and Nina left me enough strength to make it back

down those stairs. You talk about sibling rivalry.

Yeah, great, just great, yeah.

Whoa.

Somebody wake up on the wrong side of no one this morning?

You know what I just got in the mail?

Uh, those little stickers with your name and address on them from the veterans.

No.

It's this.

Here, Mr. Lacey, we appreciate your sending us a sample of your poetry.

it's not what we're looking for at this time.

Because of you, I send in some of my poems to a publisher.

I put myself on the line, Brad, and look what I get.

It's almost like a form letter.

It is a form letter. Yes,

it is. Look how lacy it's lighter than Dear Mr. Come on, Fred. It's not the

typeface either. All right, all right, all right.

Yes, it's a form letter.

What drives me crazy is this part that says, it's not what we're looking for at

this time.

How am I supposed to know what they really think of my poems?

Good.

As a professional writer.

Can I give you some advice?

Go down there, talk to them, and find out.

Are you kidding?

Get rejected face to face? No, thanks.

That's my worst fear.

All right.

I'd rather live with a form letter.

All right. Suit yourself.

But I still don't understand what you're so afraid of.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I sold another story.

Another one?

Uh -huh. This one's about a football game.

Oh, don't tell me. Don't tell me. It's from the point of view of the football.

It's out already?

Where is that?

Facing your fears. Facing your fears. Facing your fears.

God, I'm never going to find you.

Hello.

Yeah? I'm here to see Mr. Prescott. My name is John Lacey. I submitted some

poetry.

You don't have an appointment.

Mr. Prescott never sees anyone without an appointment.

Never.

Oh.

Okay.

You mind if I sit?

I don't care if you squat.

You know, life is like looking in a side -view mirror.

Some objects are closer than they appear.

Especially beauty.

You didn't think I could see that, did you? But I do.

I can see that inner glow.

You just turned on your heart light, didn't you?

Thank you for making this waiting room a lovely place.

Almost as lovely as you yourself.

Mr. Prescott, your next appointment is here.

Hey.

John Lacey, the poet.

Go get him, Longfellow.

Mr. Prescott.

Good morning, Mr. Lacey.

Refresh me quickly, if you will, on our last meeting.

Well, actually, we never met.

Oh, then refresh me on our last discussion.

We've never spoken.

Oh. Well, then just refresh me.

The black moon waning on the hill brought on the night a velvet still.

Yeah, therefore?

Arise, sweet dawn, and light the day, for now my heart doth yearn to play.

Where have I heard that before?

I wrote that. I sent it to you a couple of weeks ago.

Oh, yeah, right.

Something about a moon. A black moon.

Oh, to a black moon.

Of course, a black moon.

You see, I wanted to know what you thought of it.

Well, didn't I get back to you?

Yeah, well, I got a form letter. I just want to know what you think of my

poetry. Well, you know, I make it a rule never, ever to offer my personal

opinion on work we'll never publish.

I've always had great difficulty in handling rejection, especially criticism

about poetry.

Now, if I'm going to be a writer, it's time I learned to deal with it. Well,

look, I'm not your man. You see, I myself have great difficulty rejecting

writers face to face. You see, that's why I send out form letters.

Wonderful. Now, this is an excellent opportunity for mutual growth through

honest communication. So, honestly, honestly, what did you really think of

work?

Well, okay, I... I thought it was interesting.

I think you're hedging, Arthur.

Okay, I thought it was moderately interesting. I still think you're

Semi -moderately interesting?

Look, look, Mr.

Prescott, if we're to accomplish anything here, you've got to start to

wounds.

All right, John, I actually didn't like it, you know, very much, you know. Well,

all right, all right, now we're getting somewhere. How much did you actually not

like it?

Quite a bit.

You're holding back.

Okay.

I disliked it.

Now, lock. Good. Now, now, now. Keep going. Keep going. Look, I can't. I

this is too hard for me. No, no. Come on, Arthur. You can do it. Release that

negativity. You owe it to yourself. You owe it to me. You owe it to both of us.

Okay. Your poetry was boring. Good. It was trivial. Yes. It was cliche.

That's right. It was irritating. It was annoying.

It sucks.

That's the word I was waiting for. Thank you.

Disliked? Oh, no, better than that. He hated it. He said it was garbage.

And you want to know the best part?

He told me right to my face. And it didn't destroy me. You see, the chains

finally off.

Oh, I know that feeling.

So, in other words, the principles of the book did work for you. Is that

John? Work? Kate, that book changed my life. I used to be terrified of

criticism. Now... I thrive on it. Here, like here. Here. Tell me what you think

of this tie. Go ahead. Just tell me.

Well, um, I like it. Oh, come on, Kate. Just really tell me. What do you think?

Well, it's a nice tie.

I'm not crazy about the shirt.

I said the tie. It's just a tie. What do you think about the tie?

Oh, hi, Ralph.

Oh, Ralph.

Ralph. Just the man I wanted to see. Ralph, I owe you an apology.

I take back everything I ever said about T. Pat Conner. I'm a believer.

John, grow up.

What's wrong with you, Ralph?

T. Pat Conner is a jerk.

So is anyone who believes in him.

He and that stupid dog ran off to Brazil with all our money.

Oh, wow.

T. Pat Conner. His name isn't even T. Pat Conner.

It's L. Pat Conner.

And I fell for that.

What a fool.

Look, I'm...

I wasted everybody's time.

Oh, come on, Ralph. Just because that guy turned out to be a crook doesn't

you have to blame yourself.

Nice try, John.

Look, if you don't mind, I'll just sit over here by myself.

Hey, Ralph.

I'm never going to believe in anybody or anything ever again. Hey, come on,

Ralph.

You did a lot of good here in the past couple of weeks.

Hey, Ralph, you know, because of you, some of us did things that we never

dreamed we could.

I know I did.

Ralph, I was so impressed by what you did for us, I sat down and wrote a poem.

Listen,

everybody, I just want you to know, I hope everybody in this room doesn't

this.

Ode to Positivity by John Lacey.

Once in darkness wandering... Thank God.

Wait, wait, wait, just forget that stupid fire. Just listen to this, okay?

It's important for Ralph. It's important for all of us. Just listen.

Once in darkness wandering, I trudged alone and lost.

A journey long and meaningless by every pitfall tossed.

But then the bird of courage flew, a lightning on my soul, and sang this song

hope to me. Take heart and seek your goal.

And should the oath of doubt arise with negativity, simply laugh and celebrate

the fortitude of me.

Thanks.

Yes. Thank you. You see, that's honest.

So, learn this well, and I have learned, and heed it all your days. Be positive,

for that alone can chase your fears away.