Original subtitles

Bye.

Dear John is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Oh, hi, Louise.

Hello, Ralph.

Sorry. Oh, that's alright. I have that effect on everybody.

The minute I open my mouth, people fall asleep.

They won't even let me talk to the bus driver anymore.

My baby kept me up all night, too.

Oh, uh, Louise, uh, speaking of Junior, I got him a present.

Thank you. That's very thoughtful.

What is it? I still love it.

What, are you kidding me? Every chicken pampas is going to be after him.

He's going to have to beat them off with a rattle.

tonight. He said he'd meet us in the bar afterwards.

Well, his loss.

Sylvia's story is absolutely gripping. Go on, dear.

on Thursday night.

Brickley, dear.

When I returned, Frank was already home. His Toyota was parked in the driveway.

I went into the house, but I couldn't find him at first, so I went upstairs to

our bedroom.

The curtains were drawn, and it was rather dark, and as my eyes became

accustomed, I saw a woman sitting at my dressing table putting on makeup.

Where was Frank?

Sitting at my dressing table putting on makeup.

Sylvia, how did he... What did you say to him?

Well, I looked him straight in the eyes and I said, Frank, what are you doing in

my clothes?

And he started crying.

Oh, that's terrible.

Oh, yeah.

Must have ruined his mascara.

He said that for years and years he'd been secretly dressing up in my clothes.

And you never suspected anything?

Well, once I found some beer stains on a blouse I'd never worn. And I had a

really big fight with him. with the sales clerk when I tried to return it.

Poor dear.

Anyway, after that, Frank became completely brazen about it. He went out

bought himself an entire new wardrobe.

Mix and match, mostly. A couple of Norma Kamalis.

Tell them what he did with the anti -wrinkle cream.

I still find it hard to talk about that.

Of course you do, dear.

We understand.

I'll tell you later.

Just a thought here.

Didn't this cause a little bit of a problem in the locker room at the scuba

diving club?

We had to resign.

Frank's own fault, really.

Instead of telling the truth and allowing them time to get used to the

just turned up one evening wearing my leopard skin string bikini.

Too much too soon.

up later at the bar around the corner.

He is?

Oh, yes. We're still very close.

Of course you are. Like girlfriends.

Well, more than girlfriends, really.

More like sisters.

In fact, sometimes that's what we tell people.

You tell people what? Hello, this is my sister, Frank.

First of all, he doesn't use the name Frank.

He picks out a girl's name that suits his mood, and he's off and running.

Yeah, but can't people... tell. Oh, you'd be amazed.

When Frank is all dolled up, he's really something.

He's tall and striking.

In fact, he's gorgeous.

Well, you certainly seem to be handling this well.

Oh, believe me.

There are times when it's pretty hard to deal with. Yeah, sure.

It must be difficult when a man leaves you for another woman, especially when

the other woman is himself.

You do that very well. Huh?

Oh, yeah. Well, I've been using chairs and tables pretty much my whole life.

What I was thinking was, you're probably waiting for somebody, right?

I mean, a pretty girl like you has got to be waiting for somebody.

Husband? Boyfriend?

Warren Beatty?

Donald Trump?

Actually, I am waiting for my sister.

I'm Margo, by the way. Oh, well, nice to meet you, Margo.

And my name is? John.

You know my name?

This is very eerie.

And this is like fate.

This is like I've still got my name tag on, don't I?

It's a parent -teacher thing tonight.

I teach at a private school in Manhattan.

Oh, how chic.

So you're waiting for your sister, huh?

She work around here?

No, no. Sylvia went to a support group over at the community center.

When I talked to her earlier, she seemed a little blue, so I thought I'd come by

and keep her company. That's amazing. You know, I belong to a support group

meets here. Yeah.

The same night. Why aren't you there?

Well, this thing at school was running late, so I decided to come over here and

meet everybody after the group here at the bar.

Not that we meet at bars every week. I mean, it's not as if we need to meet at

bar after every meeting.

I mean, we don't usually... Would you like to join me for a drink? Yes, I

Thank you.

Let me. What are you drinking?

Um, Boilermaker.

Uh -huh.

What? Well, I mean, it's kind of an unusual drink for a woman.

Well, I think you'll find I'm an unusual woman.

Walk down there?

Be there in a minute. Yeah.

So, um, what group did you say your sister was in?

Um, something called the One -to -One Club.

The One... Wait, that's my group.

Oh. Oh. Yeah. Well, that would mean you were single.

Uh, entirely.

Divorced. Oh.

My wife and I couldn't agree on very many things.

You? I'm divorced, too.

Our problem was we were a little too much alike.

Listen, I hope you don't think this is forward, but I would really like to take

you out sometime.

Well, I'd like that.

What about tonight?

Tonight? Well, what about your sister?

Well, someone else is joining us. I'm sure she'll understand.

And I can call her later.

Great. Where should we go?

I don't know.

Dinner? A Mets game? Whatever you like. Mets game?

I'd love it.

You don't find very many women interested in ball games.

I think you'll find I'm full of surprises.

Let us have a little something for your baby.

Oh, thank you, Ralph.

It's the same book that my mother read to me every night when I was a baby.

In cold blood.

Thank you, dear.

I'll treasure it.

Hi, everyone.

Isn't this a beautiful evening?

There's nothing like New York in springtime, is there?

certainly seem to be in a good mood.

Top of the world.

Oh, I'm sorry I missed last week. I just, uh, well, I just couldn't make it.

Well, John, that's your tough luck because we heard the weirdest story we

heard yet from this new chick who just joined the group last week.

You mean Sylvia?

Do you know her?

Uh, well, not exactly.

I'm dating her sister.

Sylvia's sister.

Only this last week.

Met her at the bar around the corner. I was waiting for you guys, and Margo was

there waiting for Sylvia.

Margo. Yeah.

Sylvia's sister.

Oh, yeah. Boy, I'm telling you, I've never met anyone like this.

I don't doubt it.

It's not because, you know, it's just a week, but I'm telling you, I think this

woman can really be the one. I mean, she's a perfect woman.

You know, I mean, she's not just beautiful and witty. I mean, she's got

mean, she just makes me feel very comfortable. And she's just not like

women, is what I've heard.

More like one of the guys.

I mean, she's got everything.

Yeah.

than meets the eye. Yeah, well, I guess you could say that, yes.

Why are we laughing?

Why are you all looking at me like this?

John, haven't you noticed anything, well, anything different about Margo?

Different? Yeah, like she needs a shave.

What?

Sylvia split with her husband because he liked to dress up in women's clothes.

So, her husband's a transvestite. What's that got to do with her sister?

John, what we're trying to tell you is that Margot and Sylvia aren't really

sisters. That's because Margot is really a man.

No. Get out.

Margot is Sylvia... No.

Get out.

You see, when he's all dressed up, he and Sylvia just say they're sisters.

Oh, no, no. This is impossible. She's the most feminine woman I've ever met.

Oh, come on. If there was anything remotely wrong with her, don't you think

would have noticed something at the ball game, at the car show, at the fights?

Depends on what you've already done.

And how much you enjoyed it.

Would you please?

Isn't anyone going to help me here?

I'll do anything, John. You just say the word. But could you explain what

everybody's laughing about?

They're laughing at me, Ralph. Because all week I've been dating a woman.

That was just a very entertaining side effect.

This is so hard to believe. I mean, here, look at this.

We took some pictures at one of those silly machines.

Can you tell? I mean, does that look like a man to you?

Which one are we talking about?

Oh.

Oh, John, couldn't you tell that that's a wig?

It is?

He's coming over directly from another appointment.

He's probably having his legs waxed.

Yeah, yeah, it's all very funny to you people, but I'm the one that has to go

home and deal with it. So you'll understand it, but I don't think it's

funny. You're absolutely right, dear. On behalf of the whole group, I apologize.

We know how difficult tonight's going to be.

Just don't let your anger overwhelm your compassion.

After all, you mustn't condemn a man... until he walked a mile in his pump.

Do you think we were too rough on him? Are you kidding me? We did the man a

favor.

Tonight could have been the night he found out for himself.

Well, if he's after a woman, I think he is.

He's going to take it like a man.

Oh, it really isn't funny.

He looks to be a man of some size. What happens if he becomes agitated, even

physical? Do you think he might?

Sorry I'm late.

Sweetheart, excuse me.

This gender bender you were married to, does he have a temper?

Once on the subway, some masher snapped his bra strap and Frank beat him with

his shoulder bag.

That's it. I'm out of here.

There's no way I'm going to let Harry Mary kick John's butt.

What was that all about?

Well, it seems that one of our members, John, is dating your husband, Frank.

What? Well, you told us he likes to pass himself off as your sister.

And John told us he was dating your sister.

Look.

That's not Frank.

It's not?

No. This is my sister Margo.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Are you saying that that really is your sister? Yes.

Well, then why is she wearing a wig?

Well, she sometimes does that when she can't get to the hairdresser.

I don't know how you could think this was Frank.

It just goes to show how little you people understand our situation.

My Frank wouldn't be caught dead in a dress like this.

Oh, no.

John.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, he's about to tell this beautiful woman that she's really a man.

Well, it's probably for the best.

She's bound to find out sooner or later.

I'm glad you're here. I'm so glad I'm here, too, John.

Now,

listen, Margo. There's something I really have to... I have to... This

has been the worst day of my life.

Anything that could possibly go wrong did.

Family, job, everything.

Yeah, well... I feel stretched so thin.

One more unpleasant thing, and I think I'll snap.

Get a hold of yourself.

You know what I really need right now?

Someone to hold my hand. Now, look, I'm not holding your hand.

No, I'm doing it. I'm going to do it.

No,

I'm really going to do it.

I hate to see a grown person cry.

There you go. There you go.

How's that?

How's that?

I'm so glad I came over here tonight, John. Listen, Margo. I feel so safe in

your arms. Margo, listen, I... Let's not talk, John.

No, no, we have to talk.

What are you doing?

I can't kiss you.

I can kiss you. You're a woman.

You thought I was a man. Me? Who?

No, what?

Yeah, okay.

But the best looking man I've ever dated. You thought I was a man?

No, no, listen, I can explain. It's very simple. I'm getting out of here. No,

no, no, Margo, please, please, I beg you. No, no, no, Margo, please, please,

please.

It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Can't we salvage this?

I mean, I want you. I want you more than anyone I've ever known.

Why don't we go away someplace together, huh?

I'll take you anywhere you want to go. What do you say, huh?

Let's go to Paris.

How about Paris? I'll take my whole life savings out and fly you there, okay?

We'll make love till Bastille Day.

All right, I'll be right there.

Thank God I got here in the nick of time. Come on, pal. You're out of here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Get him, John. He's no good for you. Let him go.

Come on. Sit down, John. Sit down.

You've had a humiliating experience, John.

But because I'm your friend, I'm going to be here for you. I'm going to be here

all night, John, if that's what it takes to help you forget about him.

Ooh.

I'll say this. That Margo sure doesn't walk like a man.

It's an all -new L .A. Law.

And Saturday, if you've got the doldrums, we've got the cure.

NBC's comedy lineup, starting with One of the Boys.

And the deacon is despondent on Amen.

Nothing that a little tender, loving care couldn't cure.

Then all you Weight Watchers shape up for the laughter on The Golden Girl.

Followed by Empty Nest. Saturday.