Original subtitles

It's filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Well, okay, then. How about dinner this Tuesday night?

Oh, I'm afraid not, John.

How about Wednesday night?

Well, Wednesday's not good for me either.

How about I just give you the cash and you go to dinner whenever you want?

Come on, John, please.

Come on, Kate. Is there some problem?

I'm just not ready for a relationship.

Well, what makes you think I intend to pursue a relationship?

Well, don't you? Of course. Why the hell do you think I keep asking you to go

out to dinner?

just not ready to get involved right now, okay?

Oh. I hope you're not upset.

No, no, no, I'm fine, I'm fine. No? No. Okay.

Well, should we go inside?

You go ahead. I have to do something first.

No date, no date, no date.

Okay, well, since Louise is still at home with her new baby, and, well, since

won't be here next week, someone else will have to take over. Oh, right.

You got a hot date?

You know, Kirk, I don't think it's any of your business, really.

Why not?

I think it's a reasonable question.

I mean, I think we'd all like to know, unless you have something to hide, Kate.

Sister Lisa is coming into town, and I have to pick her up at the airport.

Okay. I didn't know you had a sister.

Uh -huh.

And while we're on the subject, I hope you're all free next Saturday because

having a little party, and I would like for you all to meet her.

Well, that's great.

What's your sister like?

Well, what would you like to know?

Just the usual, Daddy. You know, height, weight, measurements, fetishes.

Kirk, why do you insist on picturing everyone else in the world as being sick

and twisted as you are? I don't know. I can't help it. I'm just a people person.

You must be really looking forward to her visit, huh?

Well, yes.

And no.

So does anyone have anything they'd like to discuss? Yes.

I would like to discuss that no part.

Yeah, do I detect a note of sibling rivalry here?

Could it be perhaps because said sister has a truly...

Work left set of garboons?

Well, you should have seen mine.

They were beautiful.

Yes, thank you, Mrs. Philbert. I'm sure they were.

They're up in Canada now.

to see your sister?

Oh, well, look, my sister and I just don't get along very well, okay?

Seems she has this irritating habit of stealing my boyfriends. Whoa, whoa, wait

a minute. Are you saying that there's some competition between you and she

time to time?

No.

I'm saying that I find them and she takes them right out from under me.

out from under you?

you wouldn't have that problem if you tied them down first.

Kirk, don't make me hurt you.

Ooh, this is getting better and better.

Wait, Kate, Kate, isn't this kind of a cop -out? I mean, maybe your sister

doesn't steal them from you. Maybe you just can't hold on to them because you

don't know how to handle a relationship.

No, but thanks for that kind thought, John.

No, it's like a game or a challenge to her.

You know, Kate, In the short time we've known each other, I've noticed that you

have a tendency to push people away who try to get close to you.

Now, I wonder if this might not account for this slightly paranoid feeling that

you have about your sister.

Paranoid? Huh?

Yeah. Yeah, paranoid?

You know, I would like to bring a date to that party.

And just show you how quickly she moves in on him. Oh, sure, sure. So you'd show

up with someone who's good -looking, and she'd take a couple of looks at him. So

what's that going to prove? Oh, no, no. He doesn't have to be good -looking. If

he's wearing pants, that's enough. Are you saying that if you showed up with

someone who's ordinary, I mean, just ordinary, that she would actually go for

him? You bet.

And if you want me to prove it to you, I will.

Okay, but let's make this a real test.

What if you showed up with someone who is really obnoxious? Fine.

What about crude?

All right.

How about sleazy? No problem.

What about loathsome? If necessary, then that...

Oh, no. Oh, no.

I'd be on it.

Who is it?

It's Kurt.

Say it with flowers.

Sweets for the sweet. Oh, Kirk, that's lovely. And a bottle of champagne to get

you horny.

I should have known.

I don't know about you, Red, but I've been thinking about this date all week.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's get one thing straight, all right? This is not a date. It's a

demonstration. I know. That's why I came here early. If we are going to convince

your sister you got the hots for me, We're going to have to rehearse a couple

moves, a couple of squeezes, a couple of strategically placed nibbles.

You nibble anything of mine, you're going to spend the rest of your life

soup through a tube.

Ooh, this is going to be a great night.

There's nothing I like better than breaking a frisky filly.

So, uh, where's sis?

She's out shopping. She should be back any minute.

Okay.

This is a great apartment.

And this must be the bedroom where it all doesn't

happen.

Uh, just a minute.

Look, that must be my sister. Then I must be your boyfriend.

Shall we?

Droided flowers.

Roses, I think.

Like a safe cracker.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Oh, hi.

So, how's the lovely couple?

Oh, just great.

Yeah, just a minute ago I had her in the palm of my hand.

He took the stairs.

Stairs?

Hi, guys.

Hi, Ralph. I didn't know that you had a fear of elevators. I don't.

I have a fear of this guy I read about in the Guinness Book of World Records.

What? Yeah, he weighs 1 ,800 pounds.

I'm afraid if he ever got on an elevator with me, the cable would snap and we

would both plummet toward him.

Oh, Ralph, really? What makes you think that guy would get in an elevator with

you? He's certainly not going to take the stairs.

So, what did I miss, huh?

Did you sleep with Kate's sister yet?

Not yet, Robbie. She's not here.

Oh, that must be her.

Oh, this is so exciting, Bob. Kate, if you feel the impulse to kiss me, feel

free.

Oh, and I might add, a little tongue would help sell it.

This is Lisa.

Lisa, this is John and Ralph and Mrs. Philbert. Hello.

And this is my... Reason for living.

My boyfriend, Kirk.

Nice to meet you. It's a pleasure.

Oh, here, let me take those for you.

And I put out some hors d 'oeuvres if you want. Oh, good. I'm starving.

So, you're Kate's sister, huh?

What do you think of Kirk?

You want to give me a few minutes?

Well, take all the time you want.

But I think you're really going to like him.

Yes, of course she's going to like him, Ralph, because he's a likable guy.

As a matter of fact, Kate is absolutely nuts about this little guy. Yeah, well,

who isn't?

Personally, I think you're slugs.

This dessert is delicious, Kate. Did you make it yourself? Wonderful.

Well, actually, Kirk and I made it together.

Yes, and after we were finished, we started making the cake.

Have you ever seen two kids who deserve each other more?

I think I'll go put on some coffee. Okay, you sit. I'll do it.

You sure you don't want Kirk to come with you?

No, I'll be fine by myself.

Well, okay.

It's been over two hours.

I haven't seen your sister so much as make eye contact with Kirk.

Much less show any indication that she's interested in stealing Kirk away.

That's so fast, John.

It just so happens that during dinner, sis was playing one mean game of

with yours truly.

I'm telling you, this broad was tracing figure eights on my inner thigh.

Was that you?

I thought it

was Ralph.

Well, come on, Kate, admit it.

This little experiment of yours is a dismal failure.

Trust me.

Now, look, I know my sister.

Now, if she hasn't shown any interest in Kirk, it's simply because I haven't

impressed upon her how much I care about him. Now, just watch.

I see.

Okay.

Coffee will be ready in a minute.

Kirk had a little cake on his fingers.

company oh come on it's only my sister yes well um i think i'll just go check

the coffee oh who needs coffee the only thing that i want on my lips is kirk

well i don't know about

you but i think we should leave these two lovebirds alone

far from here. How about we go to my place and have a cup of coffee?

Oh, thanks, John. Maybe later.

Well, come on, big boy.

The night is still a puppy.

Coffee sounds good to me.

They have a tempestuous relationship.

than staying over there and watching that spectacle my sister and her

were putting on for us.

So what did you think of Kirk?

No offense if he's a friend of yours, but that guy is a jerk.

I don't see what my sister sees in him.

She's really starting to worry me.

All right, enough of this nonsense.

Kirk is not Kate's boyfriend.

What? Listen, your sister wanted to prove something.

It's because she's convinced that every time she finds a guy that she likes, you

take him away from her.

So she just pretended to be with Kirk just to see what you would do.

What are you saying? That this whole evening was nothing but a trick? Yes,

please, try not to blame Kate. She's been a little confused lately.

Yeah, I guess she's been having a tough time since her divorce.

Yeah, I know. You don't have to tell me that.

She and I have talked about that a lot.

Oh?

Are you and she close?

Well, uh...

In fact, we have had kind of a thing going, yeah.

You and my sister? How interesting.

Yeah, but just a week ago, she told me she didn't want to see me anymore.

Oh, that's too bad.

You know, I really care about Kate, and I think deep down she really cares about

me, too.

You really think so?

Yes, I do.

Well, what good is it?

Doesn't even want to go out with me.

That's tough.

And then I opened this letter from her today.

She wrote this incredible love poem to me.

What did it say?

What did it say?

Oh, it said, um... I've never met a man like

you, John.

I can't believe how you turned me on.

I like your eyes.

And you're not fat.

I gotta go now. There's someone at the door.

It's funny, but until now, I've never noticed what an interesting color your

hair is.

Brown? Oh, of course.

Reflects of some other stuff.

Wonderful.

Did I ever tell you the first time I saw Kate?

protection, don't you?

Well, I don't. My neighbors have a guard dog.

Oh, you mean, uh, yeah, yeah. I think we should be responsible. Yes, well, no

problem, no problem.

You are looking at a responsible man.

I have a merit badge for responsibility.

I'll just check my responsibility drawer here.

John,

I really want this. Yes, don't move, don't move.

There's got to be one in the medicine cabinet.

There must be one in the medicine cabinet.

was one, where would I be?

Oh, thank God.

You found one? No, but I haven't seen this cuff link in a month.

Maybe I should take a rain check. Wait, wait, wait.

Don't move. Don't move. I'll get it.

Where are you going?

To the drugstore.

Through there?

It's faster this way.

I'll be back in two minutes.

name for Kate.

something. Could we do this in the morning?

Morning?

Oh, oh, I get it.

You know, you haven't changed a bit.

I came over here tonight to apologize. I can see now that I needn't have

bothered. What's that supposed to mean?

Obviously, John told you that he and I went out together, so you decided to put

the moves on him. You've been doing that your whole life. I don't know what

you're talking about.

Oh, I see. Well, what about Bobby Skolnick? Oh,

Edison flirtation.

Uh -huh. And what about Tony Marino? We had two dates.

Does Craig Parker ring a bell?

He did for me.

See?

You see, this happens to every guy that I ever dated.

Well, maybe we just like the same guys.

Yes, but not until I like them first.

Well, you always picked out such good ones, and I always picked out such lousy

ones. In a weird way, you might want to consider it a compliment.

Well, forgive me if I'm not flattered.

Oh, come on, Kate.

You didn't care about any one of those guys.

If I thought you did, I never would have gone after them.

Didn't I stay away from the guy you married?

Him? You could have had.

Kate, I would never go after anybody you really liked. Yeah, then stay away from

John.

So you really like John?

Yeah.

I haven't been able to... tell him yet.

I don't even know if I can.

Maybe I never will, but I'm telling you, you stay away from him.

Okay, gotcha.

Just don't be mad at me anymore.

I really care about you, Kate.

Oh, I can't be mad at you.

You're my baby sister.

Listen, John's going to be back here, and I really think it would be best if

weren't here.

Oh.

He'll probably be pretty disappointed.

Yeah, I think you could count on that.

I guess you've disappointed men before.

Never.

Also bought you a lottery ticket.

That way maybe you can get lucky twice in a night.

Lisa, where are you?

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Oh, I bet you're not in the closet.

I know where you are.

You're taking a nice warm bath.

Well, how about I join you and we soak each other all in

Lisa, this is not funny.

Come in here, you little tease, and get in that shower where you belong.

You're the boss.

Next,

on all -new L .A. Law, Kuzak and McKenzie clash.

And tomorrow night comes the hot new series the critics are raving about.

Quantum Leap is conquering the air, says the Hollywood Reporter.

Leap into action with a time traveler facing incredible danger.

Quantum Leap premieres tomorrow night.