Original subtitles

All.

John is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

So,

Ralph, how's the job search going?

Will you get off my back?

Why don't you just say it?

I'm a failure.

Why don't you just give me an old wine bottle and a paper bag and tell me to go

sit out on the curb?

Nice going, John.

to stick some electrodes under his fingernails.

It's bamboo under your fingernails?

Oh, yeah?

Ms. Expert?

And how many times have you been worked over by the Ayatollah's boys?

Any of you! How many times have your cries echoed in the night as you were

worked over by a team of sweaty, swarthy men?

Not as often as I'd like.

I tell you what, forget I asked, all right?

I think now might be an opportune time for a break. Shall we say...

noticeable by the week. Noticeable? Try obvious.

I'll say.

We should probably say something. We've got to say something. How can we not say

something? Damn right.

About what?

Uh, Ralphie, have you not noticed that Louise's stomach is, well, uh... Uh,

grown rather dramatically over the past few weeks? No, Ralph.

Oh, that.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

As friends, we should say something to Louise.

whether she likes it or not.

Whether I like what or not?

Come now.

You know it's not polite to talk behind one's back.

You're absolutely right, Louise.

The truth is, we couldn't help noticing that you're really fat.

I mean, just look at the way you've let yourself go.

lines of rumor.

You're bulging out of your clothes. And all because you just can't seem to stop

stuffing your face.

I can see there's no sense in denying it any longer. Yes, I'm pregnant.

What? Oh, no. I don't believe it.

Who would have guessed?

You're very polite not to have mentioned it sooner, considering the way I look.

Oh, no, no, no, Louise.

Louise, really, it's, uh, barely.

Noticeable. Yeah, right. I mean, John's right. Louise, you hardly show.

So, what does the doctor say? Triplets?

Look,

Louise, if you'd really rather not talk about it... No, no, no. I'm delighted to

talk about it. I've been wondering over the last few weeks how to broach the

subject.

Kate, Kate, it's the most thrilling and exciting thing that's ever happened to

me. I'm sorry, excuse me, but a question...

Pops to mind here, you being with child and all, in other words, the knock -up

E. I was just wondering if you would share with us the identity of

Mr. Humpty Dumpty. Oh, come on.

Please. Could you possibly be any more insensitive?

What? I mean, we're talking about a fairly important individual here, right?

father of this woman's child. I fail to see anything insensitive in inquiring as

to who that might be.

Assuming you've been able to narrow it down. Oh, come on.

Would you knock it off? It's all right.

His name is Richard. We dated for a couple of months.

Oh, well, how did you two meet?

He came in to lay my carpet. One word and I staple your tongue to your shoe.

Uh, Louise, may I ask you a question? And I hope that you don't think this is

too personal.

Was this deep pile or shag?

Louise, Louise, if you don't mind my asking, what does the father have to say

about all this?

He doesn't know I'm pregnant.

We broke up a while ago, and I haven't spoken to him since.

Well, Louise, Louise, when do you plan on telling him? I don't see any reason

tell him.

Knowing Richard, I have a guess that he'd be far happier not knowing.

No, wait a minute, wait a minute.

this man got you pregnant and you're not even going to tell him? I've been

looking for a woman like this all my life.

Now, listen, I'll tell you one thing I sure would want to know. What you do

know? No, I mean, if I was the father of Louise's child.

You mean there's a chance you could be... Now, Louise, you see, I'm saying

don't have to make a big production out of it. I mean, all you have to do is

just call him up and tell him you'll meet him for a drink tomorrow afternoon

the bar around the corner. I mean, and simply...

Tell him. John, I'm afraid it's not as simple as that.

I'm sure it isn't, but I'm just saying, speaking for myself, if there was a

child of mine out there, or in there, I sure as hell wouldn't want to know

myself.

You know, Louise, I must say, I have to agree with John.

Father has a right to know.

Look, it isn't as if I haven't given this long and careful thought. Believe

I have.

And I'm afraid... I've made up my mind, and there's nothing that anyone in this

room could say that would sway me in the least. And I agree with you 100%.

I'll call him right now.

It isn't very crowded in here, is it?

No, ma 'am. Good.

the way I want it. I'm meeting someone.

That's nice.

John!

What are you doing here at two o 'clock in the afternoon?

Oh, Louise, there you are.

I, uh, I was, uh, I was, um...

I just thought I'd come down here and be with you in case you needed somebody.

That's very sweet of you, dear, but are you sure you're not also here because

your curiosity got the better of you? Oh, come on, Louise. Who could be that

nosy that would intrude upon a private moment like this?

This is wonderful.

Just perfect.

Why don't we just ask the couple over there to join us, too?

I don't mind if we do.

You know how persuasive Tom can be.

No, we really just came down here because we care about you. Yeah, yeah,

and okay, maybe we are a little curious about this guy.

So why don't you sit down?

So, uh, have you decided what you're going to say yet?

It's difficult. I'll have to choose my words very carefully.

Have you thought about saying it? in verse... I beg your pardon?

Well, I took it upon myself to prepare a short poem that I thought might be

appropriate for this occasion.

The cause of my condition could be many and myriad, but it's been eight months

since I had my last...

It's just

the first draft.

John. Hey, everybody.

I'm sorry about my appearance. I just came from a really tough job.

Been on my hands and knees all morning wrestling with the Persian.

Believe me, honey, I've been there.

Yes.

Thank you, Mrs. Filbert.

Listen, actually, we were just leaving. Yeah, we got to... We were?

Yes, Ralph.

Yes, we were. You know, we have to go to that thing.

You know, Ralph, at that place? Yeah, you know, with... Those guys?

What are you talking about?

Ralphie, we're trying to pretend we've got to do something so Richard doesn't

think we're just here to spy on him.

We have to go to that place to do that thing with those guys.

You understand.

Yes, I'm sure he does, yes.

Nice to meet you, Richard.

Nice to meet you.

So, surprised to hear from you. I was afraid you'd forgotten all about me.

No, and I have a feeling I never will.

You haven't changed a bit.

Oh, I don't know.

So what's new?

This is.

You're not talking about the dress, are you?

I didn't call you because I wanted to involve you or make any claims on you

money or anything else. I... I just thought you had the right to know.

all.

I don't believe this.

There's no doubt about it.

All right!

Drinks for everybody!

Okay, drinks for us, then. But none for you, because pregnant ladies shouldn't

drink. Okay, drinks for me, then.

What am I talking about? I don't drink. Cancel the drinks.

This is wonderful. This is the best news I've ever had. I cannot wait to call my

parents. Richard, are you sure that they need to know?

You don't expect me to wait and tell them to them at our wedding, do you?

Wedding? We've got a million things to do in a hurry. We've got to plan the

honeymoon. We've got to choose the vows. We've got to find the minister.

You hear that, little guy? Your mom and dad are getting married.

interview today.

It's from an ad I found in the classifieds.

It was in Manhattan.

23rd Street between 6th and 7th.

So, Ralph, how did it go?

with Richard Goh.

Sorry, Louise. What did you say?

Excuse me.

Does anyone understand what she's saying? Yeah, I do. She said...

I don't think she's exactly happy about this.

Well, how can I be happy? I can't marry him. It's out of the question. I mean,

we have nothing in common and very little to talk about. And most

importantly, I'm just not in love with him.

Well, if you're going to look for reasons... Louise, Louise,

how did he take the news?

get around to telling him.

What? Why not?

Well, he was... He was so excited. I didn't know how to break it to him.

Well, Louise, what's the rush? You know, why don't you just let the baby grow up

and then have the kid tell him?

Oh.

Louise, uh... Obviously, Louise, you're gonna have to let him know.

He's such a dear, sweet boy. How can I break his heart? I mean, I couldn't even

bring myself to tell him that the carpet he put in for me is curling up.

be able to handle it better than you think.

Well, he's pretty committed. He's even picked out a rug for the nursery.

A burba.

With bunnies.

Listen, Louise, I would like to say something.

Whatever happens between you and Richard, I just want you to know that

comes to that baby, you're not going to be alone in this. And I think I speak

for everyone when I say...

that we're going to be here for you, Louise. Absolutely.

Thank you very much.

And if you need a Lamaze coach, that's wonderful, Katie. And as far as

babysitting goes, Louise, any night you say. That goes for me, too. That's very

sweet of you.

And someone should throw a baby shower for you. Yeah.

Hey, what do you say? Tomorrow afternoon at my place.

No,

no, no, I insist.

Four o 'clock tomorrow, is that good for everybody? Yeah. Well, I'd have to

cancel my Swedish massage.

But no problem.

I'll give it to you on Sunday.

This one's from Kurt.

What is it, Louise?

Oh, a thousand and one names for your baby. Thank you, dear. Well, I figured,

you know, naming a kid can be tricky, so... You know what my parents wanted to

call me?

Stranger?

Oh, it's a gift certificate for three -month rental on a video camera.

Just in case you wanted to videotape the birth.

That's very thoughtful.

Thank you very much.

When I have a kid, I'm going to videotape the conception.

You know, I look forward to it.

I love short subjects.

Ralph, you mentioned the gang was throwing a shower for you.

Yeah, I got all kinds of great stuff. Of course, we don't know what we're

having, so I had to get a little of everything. I got this big bear.

And you can't go wrong with bears, right?

Well, you know, unless, of course, you scare the bear. In that case, I got him

this little bear.

That way he can work his way up to the big bear.

In case he doesn't like bears at all, I got him this giraffe.

He doesn't like giraffes. Of course, he might not be a him, he might be a her,

but I got it covered. I got this doll. It walks, it talks, it laughs, and it

cries when it sees the bear.

Richard, the doctor says we're going to have a boy.

A boy? All right, a boy!

It just keeps getting better. I always wanted to have a son.

I got some more stuff for him down the truck.

Goodness. Hey, I am so excited. You know, I was thinking, why wait? Let's

married tomorrow.

Forget tomorrow. Let's get married this afternoon.

Richard, please stop.

You and I have to have a little talk.

Okay.

We'd like to talk private. Oh, yes. Why don't we just... Perhaps

a tad more private?

Yes. Why don't we go downstairs and bring up the rest of the gifts?

Oh, that'd be great. Thank you.

We'll be right back.

Okay.

Oh, remember that thing we did at that place with those guys?

We gotta do it again.

You don't understand. There really are gifts.

Oh!

So,

how you feeling?

How's my little baby?

But, Richard, you and I have something we have to discuss.

In a minute. Just let me listen to the baby first.

Oh.

Something going on down there.

Yes. I had the burrito supreme for lunch.

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's a baby. I can hear it moving around in there.

Richard, please get up.

I've got something very important I want to tell you.

Don't go away.

What is it, sweetheart?

Richard, you're a wonderful man. You're sensitive, attractive,

industrious, and you know more about carpeting than any man I've ever met.

You mean that?

With all my heart.

You hear that? That's your old man she's talking about.

Richard, please listen to me.

Um, I can't marry you.

What are you talking about?

Think about it. We have nothing in common.

We barely know each other. I mean, for instance, what color are my eyes?

Green.

What's my middle name?

Claire.

What's my favorite song?

Stardust.

Well, there's more that goes into marriage than knowing one's eye color,

name, and favorite song.

Honey, what's this all about?

I'm not in love with you. And I think if you really thought about it, you'd

realize you're not in love with me. If we were, we'd never have stopped seeing

each other in the first place.

Yeah.

I guess I just wanted to do the right thing.

My mother always used to say, if you get a girl pregnant, you have to marry her.

Well, I'm sure she was just trying to teach you responsibility.

She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to my father.

So you understand?

I guess so.

What about the baby?

Who's going to teach him to ride a bike? Who's going to take him to the ball

games? Who's going to talk to him about girls?

Well, you are.

You don't have to be my husband to be this child's father.

I promise you, you'll have all the rights of fatherhood.

Except one.

Of course, I won't be able to sleep with you.

Well, let's not jump to conclusions.

What I had in mind was that I insist on naming the child myself. I want

to call him after my father, Nigel.

Wow, that is exactly the name I was going to pick.

And I thought we had nothing in common.

Look at this.

One of the first talks we have

to have is about...

this child.

You're not mad at me, are you? Of course not.

Good. Let's hear this one more.

This is for you.

This is Corbin Bernstein, Arnie Becker of L .A. Law.

Rox, if you need a divorce lawyer, I'll be there for you.

Now he's suffering from a fatal attraction, while Cusack better eat his

when he defends an Olympic athlete with an undesirable emotional profile on L

.A. Law.

Next. And in four days, you may never escape from the dead of night.