Original subtitles

I'm home.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, not Kirk.

Mr.

Reliable.

You remember that 20 bucks you loaned me last month? Oh, yeah, sure, but I'm not

in a rush to get it back. Well, never let it be said that Kirk Morris is a

deadbeat, John.

Owing you that 20 bucks has been eating me alive.

I'm here to swear the debt right now, John.

Here you go, Pop. Well... And thank you. Yeah, thanks.

But, Kirk, it's only a ten.

Right. Ten in cash, and the other ten in government -inspected, all -weather,

two -ply, El Diablo.

Not available in stores, John. You cannot buy these things. And then it's

You pay me back in condoms?

Don't spend them all in one place.

Wendy? Uh, just a minute.

That's my ex -wife. She can't see these.

Are you kidding me, John? My ex -wife stopped by. I had those things spread

over the room.

Yeah, just a minute, Wendy.

Oh, hi, Wendy. Hello, John.

Well, Wendy, this is Kirk.

Oh, well, nice to meet you. The pleasure is entirely mine.

John, you did this woman a grave disservice when you described her as

lovely. Oh, thank you.

John, I like your friend.

And, John, you never mentioned how charming she was.

Oh, how very kind.

Not to mention a great set of gaboons.

Goodbye, Kurt. Goodbye,

Kurt. Why?

It's a personal activation, John.

Who was that?

Oh, one of God's factory seconds.

I just saw the school situation with Matthew. The interview is Monday.

Wendy, we already talked about this. I know, I know. I just wanted to drop off

these brochures. Now, I know if you look at them, you'll see what a wonderful

school this is. Wendy, I agree that St. Bede's is a fine school, but I still

don't feel that we have to lie to get Matthew in that school.

But, John, it's a Catholic school. If they find out we're divorced, I just

they're not going to let him in. I'm sorry. I'm not going to go to that

interview and pretend that you and I are still married.

You know how I feel about lying?

It goes back to my childhood.

My father always taught me to tell the truth.

Your father was a used car salesman.

Yes, but he wasn't a good one.

Look, just read the brochures. Please, just look at them, please. It's not that

I don't want Matthew to have a good education. It's just that, in my

lying never works.

People always see through it. And you wind up looking like a damn fool.

Oh, John.

You're right. You are so right.

You know...

It's that integrity of yours that I really miss.

In fact, just hearing you talk like that makes me regret we ever got divorced.

You really mean that? Of course not. I'm lying.

You see how easy it is?

Hi.

Hello.

This is where the 121 Club meets. Oh, yes.

That's great.

Miss Mercer? Oh, no, no. Louise hasn't arrived yet.

That's cool.

You probably think it's strange to see somebody like me in a place like this,

right? No, not really.

But coping with the breakup of a marriage, that can be hard on anybody,

Oh, yeah.

Even somebody like me.

Sure, why not?

One of my roadies once said to me, he said, Rick, Ricky said, Ricky, it

matter how famous you are, your destiny lies in the hands of an even bigger

star.

Of course, my main concern is this thing leaking.

What thing leaking?

The story of my marriage breaking up.

The press, the press does not seem to realize that even a legend like me is

entitled to some privacy.

Are you somebody?

I was hoping you wouldn't recognize me. Well, actually, I don't.

Oh.

Well, 1969 was a very long time ago.

This will jog your memory.

This way, not on my birth, not on my birth, not on my birthday.

Oh, yeah.

Takes you back, doesn't it?

Actually, no.

Then again, I think I had a lot of homework that year.

Come on, everybody remembers that song. That song was a...

Fortune and the Fortunates.

That is me.

I am Ricky Fortune.

Oh, it's nice to meet you. I'm Kate McCarron.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to go put on some coffee for the

group.

Is it?

You

know

that I love you.

Think the world of you.

Yes,

well... Happy birthday.

So I agree with my ex -wife that that school could be a very important thing

our son. The trouble is, I just have a problem lying.

I don't understand, John.

I'm not surprised, Kirk.

I wouldn't expect you to appreciate that kind of fine moral distinction.

No, no, no. I mean, I don't understand. What's so great about this school?

I mean, what do they got, a girls' mud wrestling team?

John,

is it possible that you may be overreacting?

Overreacting? No, I don't think so, Ralph.

Wendy wants me to go to that interview with her on Monday and pretend that

still married.

Well, how important is getting him into this school?

Well, we're not exactly happy about the school he's going to right now.

Well, these formative years can truly affect how a child grows up.

Yes, but I still don't think it's worth lying for.

Besides, I'm sure there were a lot of fine graduates to come out of PS74.

PS74? Yeah.

John, it's my alma mater.

The little white lie never hurt anyone.

Right.

Now that that's resolved, I think it's about time we met our new member.

Would you like to take the floor, dear?

Introduce yourself. Tell us a little about your life.

Well, as you all probably know by now, my name is Rick.

Everybody!

Hi, Rick!

Hello.

Yes, well, my wife...

18 months ago.

When it first happened, I thought, what the hell?

Go up you want, see if I care. Yeah, I'm hearing you, guy. I got friends. Right

on. Who needs you? Damn straight.

But that thinking's for morons. You bet, buddy.

How many years were you married, Rick?

Well, we never actually got married in a conventional sense.

It was an Arapaho wedding ceremony.

Woodstock.

Summer solstice.

Flowers. It was very romantic.

Halfway through the ceremony, a sheep gave birth.

Maybe next week you can show us the wedding pictures.

Go on, dear.

Anyway, my wife left.

Took me by surprise.

Although God knows why.

I mean, how many marriages do last in show business?

Oh, your wife was in show business.

No, no, I'm talking about myself.

This is Ricky of Ricky Fortune and the Fortunatos.

Nets. Fortune Nets.

Right.

Sorry.

We had a smash hit. It was called Not On My Birthday. In January. It was in the

charts. Just in...

Just in 1969.

Well, that was a long time ago, dear.

Have you recorded anything more recently that we might recognize?

No. We haven't cut a record in... years.

Well, why not?

Well, uh, mainly.

Um, mainly because the Fortunates are dead.

Oh.

How unfortunate.

is finished.

He's history.

Daisy, my friend, I don't think your wife loved you. I think she just forgot

you were.

People used to stand in line to see me.

Did you say Ricky Fortune and the Fortunettes?

Yeah.

Well, sure, I remember you.

You do?

Yes. I bought all your records. I was a big fan.

Yeah? Oh, don't believe him.

He's just saying that.

Why should he lie for my sake? Because he's such a goody -goody.

All right.

If you're such a big fan of this guy's... Which one of his monster hits

favorite? Well, that's very hard to say.

But if I was to narrow it down, I would have to choose that ooh -ooh thing.

Oh, you mean the one that goes ooh? Oh, yeah. Ooh!

That's it, that's it. Oh, that still gives me the chills. Oh, please.

Come on, listen, guy.

The only one that's ever heard of you is him, and he doesn't come because he's

lying. So, it strikes me that no one, when I say no one, I mean nobody, has

ever, ever heard of you.

Yes, well, look at the time.

Perhaps we ought to call it a night.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, everyone, but I promised my neighbor I'd stop by and

water her.

to ask you.

In the session tonight, did you mean it when you said you remembered Ricky

Fortune and the Fortunettes?

Uh, no, I never heard of them.

But poor Ricky was taking so much flack from Kirk, I just felt that I had to

bail him out. Yeah, well, I knew it. I could tell that you were lying. You

could? Yeah. Oh, God, I knew it.

You see, that's my problem.

I'm just so good at that, Ralph.

So how am I going to go to that interview on Monday with Wendy and

we're still married?

I mean, to lie like that, I just can't.

I mean, would you do it?

Well, I'm not really sure.

I mean, I've never even met your wife.

Of course, Ralph. Where was my head?

How is my number one fan?

Oh, hi, Ricky.

Tell me something, um... Oh, John. John.

Did you really remember me and the Fortunates?

You bet.

I mean, I loved your music.

Thank you, ma 'am.

I can't tell you how much that means to me.

I'm really going to sleep well tonight.

Yeah. Well, I guess I'll see you guys next week. Okay. Okay, next week, Ricky.

Can I give you a lift anywhere, Mrs. Philbert?

Oh, yes, anywhere.

Wendy, I'm not very happy about this.

Oh, John.

Look, when we were married, how many times did I do things that I didn't

just to make you happy?

Please, Wendy.

We're not alone here.

You must be Mr. and Mrs. Lacey.

Yes, hello, sister. Yes, we are. That's right. I'm Mr. Lacey, and this is my

wife, Mrs. Lacey.

the father that you're both here.

Thank you.

Would you care for some coffee?

Oh, thank you very much. Please, thank you.

Wendy,

we shouldn't hold hands. We're supposed to be married.

Mr. and Mrs. Lacey, I'm Father Brennan. I just found your son's records. Do sit

down.

I see that he's a great little baseball player.

Yes, he's a chip off the old block.

Oh, you used to play, Mr. Lacey. No, Wendy did.

Yes, I used to play a little ball in high school.

I see that you have only the one child.

Yes. Well, of course, we were hoping for more, but... Well, you know, I guess it

just wasn't meant to be. No, well, that's a shame.

especially when it happens to young people like yourselves.

What was your position?

My position?

I used to play shortstop.

Oh, yes.

I was a left fielder.

Well, you know, we have a great sports tradition here. I think young Matthew

will be happy with us.

Assuming, of course, he's accepted.

Oh, yes, of course.

Do you take sugar, Mrs. Lacey? No, thank you, sister.

Tell me something, Mr.

and Mrs. Lacey. Why exactly do you want young Matthew transferred here to St.

Pete's?

Basically,

Father, it's quite simple. St. Pete's has the finest reputation in the area.

And, of course, we want the very best for our son.

Yes, of course you do.

And we find that the most responsive and successful pupils come from a warm and

stable family background.

Like young Matthews. And we encourage parents to participate in the school's

extracurricular activities.

Unless, of course, your time is already taken up with social and community work.

No, no.

Well, I mean, not every minute.

No, no, plenty of free time.

Except, of course, on Fridays. I have to go to my divorce... divorce...

Divinity class.

But most of the week I'm free.

Divinity class? Did you hear that, Father? I most certainly did.

So if we need someone to teach the odd catechism class... Well, actually,

Father, it's sort of a beginning divinity class.

Mostly so far we've watched movies.

Really, uh, very important movies.

Last week we watched The Robe.

It's a great movie, The Robe.

Why Victor Mature never won the Academy Award is the only... Now then, assuming

your son's accepted, we know where to contact you?

Well, yes, most evenings I'm at my place.

Your place?

A special place.

Out in the yard.

He has a little... A special place.

And most evenings you're in it?

I guess so. Oh, sure. You see, that's where we

keep...

The rabbits.

Did you say rabbits?

Yes. The rabbits, John Raven.

I don't believe this.

I don't blame you.

I keep rabbits, too.

This is unbelievable.

Oh, it's true. I've kept rabbits ever since I was a child.

Fascinating little creatures.

Oh, we must have a long talk about them sometime. Yes, I'm looking forward to

that. Well, then, Mr. and Mrs. Lacey, certainly you understand I can't give

a definite answer right away. Matthew's name must go before the Board of

Governors, but I think I can say that his application will be looked at most

sympathetically. Oh, wonderful. Thank you very much, Father.

Now, have you completed that transfer form?

Oh, yes, I've got it right here.

in stores. Or anywhere.

Next, the revealing case involves Miss Nude International and an all -new L .A.

Law. And Sunday night, a personal tragedy for Nick brings tender loving

an all -new family tie.

Followed by all -new laughs on Day by Day.

Then, the laughs are on wheels at an auto plant in the movie comedy Gong Ho,

network TV premiere.