Original subtitles

I'm home.

The biological chart is awful.

I've got Pluto in the ascendancy.

Pluto is the harbinger of bad tidings. Oh, come on, Ralph.

I've never heard such nonsense.

Last week, you even told Kirk he was about to suffer a deeply disturbing

experience. I mean, how could that genetic skew know what a deeply

disturbing experience was?

Ralph, you don't really believe in that stuff, do you?

Oh, yes, Kate.

A late uncle of mine used to be an astrologer. Once he saw a prophecy of

the stars. He wrote hundreds and hundreds of letters and postcards to the

president warning of a calamity of worldwide proportions.

What happened? Who knows?

Eventually, the family had been committed on the advice of the

general.

Such a shame when someone goes mad, don't you?

Oh, oh, oh, wait. I think I have a photo of him in my wallet.

Do you know who that is?

He was a fine -looking man, wasn't he?

No, no, that's my ex -wife, Bloom -like.

She left Bulgaria.

I forgot I still had that picture.

What's that she's wearing?

It's a safety helmet.

She was a riveter.

That's her older brother standing next to her in the Cossack hat.

Actually, he was bald, but wigs were hard to come by in Bulgaria.

Okay, drinks are on the way. John, look what I found in my wallet. It's a

picture of Bloom Laika.

Oh, my. Isn't she, uh... And so... It's hard to find the words,

isn't it?

What's that on her head? A safety helmet. She was a riveter.

Safety helmet? That looks like a Cossack hat.

That's her brother, dear.

Oh, oh, yes, of course, yes.

That would explain the mustache.

Oh, great. Thank you. Oh, I see.

Champagne. Are we celebrating?

Well, it's a little premature, but what the hell.

I've been celebrating for the last few weeks.

May we ask why?

Well, you know, my life has just seemed to turn around lately.

A little while ago, I heard that the assistant headmaster of our school was

retiring, so I put in for the job. And I just heard that I'm one of two

finalists. Oh, surely.

And today, today, I just found out by looking in my mailbox.

that I had a tidy little refund check from the IRS.

Oh, lovely.

That's great.

I've got Pluto in the ascendancy.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Ralph.

Oh, but, oh, John, didn't I tell you this month you had Jupiter in the second

house, which controls financial prospects?

Huh? Your IRS check? Oh, come on, I don't believe in any of that stuff. No,

no, and look, Venus just moved into the fifth house. house which controls

romantic possibilities.

Well, that's very nice, Ralph, but I don't really believe that. It means your

love life is primed for something exciting.

Let me see that. Right here.

Right there.

Where? Right here.

I need a drink.

I just had a deeply disturbing experience.

What happened, Kurt?

I'm crossing the street on my way over here, right?

This car comes out of nowhere, almost runs me over.

Screeches to a halt this far from me. God, that's scary. I haven't even gotten

to the scary part yet.

So I walk around the car, you know, just to beat up the driver.

And there behind the wheel is the ugliest chick I've ever seen.

I mean, what?

I thought there was a leash law in this town.

I'll be going now. I think I'll come with you, dear.

I mean, I am going to have nightmares about this chick the rest of my life. I

talking about the ugliest broad in the history of the world.

I stand corrected.

What is that?

That is Ralph's ex -wife, Bloom Liger. And before you say anything stupid, the

one in the mustache is her brother.

What are you talking about? They both have mustaches.

All right.

That does it. That does it. I have had it with your insults and

your rudeness and your insensitivity.

I'm leaving.

Ray, you can give me a lift.

Fair enough.

I'm sorry?

Oh, perfect. You don't remember me, do you? Oh, yes, I remember you.

Karen. Yeah. Karen Payton. Yeah, Payton. Yeah, we met about two weeks ago. Yeah,

yes, I remember. Was it a party?

Dance. Dance, of course, yeah.

Well, I can understand why you'd have trouble remembering. You were doing some

heavy celebrating.

Oh, really? Oh, God.

I hope I didn't make a fool of myself, did I? Oh, no, no, no.

Well, not really.

was sort of expressive.

Oh, my God. And you gave a very emotional rendition of The Windmills of

The Windmills of My Mind?

I don't even know the words to that.

I know.

So anyway, we had a couple of dances and you told me your life story.

Oh, I did?

I'm really sorry about that. Oh, no, no, no. Don't be silly. It was very

interesting.

Are you feeling any better about the divorce?

The divorce? Oh, yeah, much better, yes. Well, at least much better than I must

have felt that night.

Well, I know a lot of men who have gone through divorce, and none of them have

handled it half as well as you have.

It really says a lot about you.

Yes, it does, doesn't it?

Especially at your age.

Well, I'm only 1439 in age. Oh, yes.

No, no, I'm not saying you're old. I just meant that, well, you've led a very

settled life, and suddenly it was turned upside down.

Yeah, well, that's yesterday's news.

Would you like some champagne?

I would love it. I'll just get a fresh glass from the bartender.

Thank you.

Oh,

did you get the promotion?

Yes. Well, it looks promising.

Oh, well, then I think we have something to toast to the promotion.

Yeah.

So, you live around here, do you, Karen?

Do you know the Forest Hills Apartments?

Oh, yes, I do, yes. Well, I moved there about a month ago, and I really don't

know my way around yet.

Night, Karen.

Oh, night.

Am I keeping you from going someplace with your friends? Oh, no. No, no, no.

Actually, we're not really friends. We just all happen to work at the same

hairdresser's. Oh. They're just kids, really.

But anyway, we were all out tonight playing racquetball.

Or at least trying to.

You see, I'm not really very good at it.

Racquetball, huh? Uh -huh. Wow.

I used to be runner -up in my college racquetball championship.

Really? Yeah, a few years ago.

Well, I'll make a deal with you. You teach me to play racquetball, and I'll

something with your hair.

Oh, okay.

I'll teach you a few tricks.

That's what I was hoping.

John, you could have gotten that ball. This is not fair. You're being easy on

because I'm a woman. No, that one really had me beat. You haven't returned a

single ball yet.

I hit one back. With your head.

John, don't just let me win.

Okay, you asked for it. All right.

I just slipped.

Okay, good. Well, look, I don't know about you, but I'm warmed up enough.

we start the game?

John, a word? Oh, come in, David.

I had a call at home last night from Martin Dwyer, chairman of the board of

trustees.

Job's yours?

Oh, that's great, David.

Thank you very much. Next week, the full committee will be meeting to go through

the motions, ratify the decisions, so congratulations.

Thank you.

I hope you'll be as harassed here as I've been.

Morning, David.

Great suit.

You little suck -up. What are you talking about?

Volunteering to be the assistant track coach.

Anything for the big job, huh, buddy? Yeah, well, for your information, David

just told me that I already got the promotion.

You got it?

Congratulations.

Hey, you all right? No, it's okay. I was out playing racquetball last night.

Oh, with the 23 -year -old girl you met the other night?

Yes.

Ken, if I tell you something, would you swear that it won't go any further?

John. You know me. I know. That's why I'm insisting that you swear.

Look, uh, I took Karen, uh, to the sports club last night to play

and, uh, well, during the game, I saw her turn a little funny color.

Well, she, uh, panicked and called an ambulance, even though I felt perfectly

fine.

Well, why didn't you tell her that? I had trouble talking.

So, uh, Rita, I'm so tired this morning because I...

Spent the night at the cardiac unit at the hospital.

John, you got heart problems? No, no, no, no. I'm perfectly fine.

The great thing to come from this is that my heart is in perfect condition.

Yeah, the reason that I collapsed was due to exhaustion and lack of oxygen in

blood. The doctor told me to go on a strict diet and cut out things like salt

and fat.

23 -year -old girls.

Listen, John, I'm a level with you.

I don't think it's wise for a man of your age...

To be running around with a girl that young.

She got a friend.

Yeah, me.

Oh, no, come on, buddy. You can set me up, can't you?

She must have lots of friends. Look, Karen just moved here. She doesn't know

soul. In fact, she's throwing a party at her apartment on Saturday night, and

she asked me to invite some of the members of the one -to -one club so that

can meet people.

Can I come?

No, you cannot.

You're a married man with five children.

I mean, what would Maggie say?

Boy, thanks a lot.

Oh, listen, we could ask, couldn't we?

Then... All right.

Can I have an outside line, please?

I bet she says no.

I'll talk to her.

I use my charm.

Hi, it's John.

Yeah. Oh, good.

Well, I said, how you doing?

Fine, fine, I'm fine. Come on, come on, come on.

Listen, I was just talking to Ken, and he said he didn't have anything to do on

Saturday night, and he would just love to come to the party, so I just want to

know how you felt about it.

Hmm? Yes, he's right here.

So, how you doing?

Oh, hi, Maggie.

What?

No, no, no.

Listen, I didn't want to go to a party. John was trying to persuade me to go

with him.

That's what I told him. I said I'm a married man.

I got five children.

Maggie, don't be silly.

Honey. Good morning.

Morning, Mr. Lacey. Morning.

See you tomorrow night, John.

See you tomorrow night.

I wasn't going to go to any parties.

Ken! Ken!

Ken! You have to help me, Ken. Ken! Get lost!

Listen, free us. It was John's idea of a joke. That's what it was. I wouldn't do

that to you and the kids.

Maggie! Maggie, I got to go. John's having a heart attack.

No, I'm not trying to warm out of anything. I got to call an ambulance.

Ken. Ken. What? Ken. Ken. Yeah.

What kind?

Pork and beans.

Okay. I'll get him on the way home.

John, John, sit down. Buddy, buddy, take it easy.

I'll get a nurse. No, I don't want a nurse. Ken.

You know that girl I was going with, Karen? Yeah? I just saw her.

She's on the hockey team. What hockey team? Our hockey team.

What's she doing on our hockey team? Playing hockey. What do you think she's

doing on our hockey team?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Now, you lost me. What's a 23 -year -old girl

doing on our hockey team?

She tell you she was 23?

Yes. No, no. Well, not in so many words. I mean, she looked 23.

Ken, Ken, what am I going to do? What am I going to do?

My, my, my. What a dilemma.

Come on, Ken.

You have to help me here. Ken.

After what you just did to me?

No way.

I find your behavior in this matter unprofessional and unprincipled. I want

nothing more to do with this sort of affair.

After all, I'm a married man with five children.

Ken, in a couple of months, I'm going to be the assistant headmaster of this

school. I'll be in a position to help you in all kinds of ways.

What do you want me to do? Help me. Help me. Help me. Just do something.

Anything. It doesn't make any difference.

The first thing we got to do is find out something about this girl. Yes, yes.

Yeah, give me somebody in records.

Good, good, good.

Mr. Thompson.

Yeah, this is Ken Bridgewater here.

Hi. Listen, I need some information about a student. Her name is Karen...

Peyton, Peyton. She's a new girl. Karen Peyton. She's a new girl. Yeah.

Uh, yeah. She's applying to my mythology course, and I'm checking on her age and

that sort of thing.

Thank you.

How about those mats, huh?

Oh, shut up!

Yes.

Yes.

I see.

Thank you, Mr. Thompson.

How old is she?

Twelve.

What? Twelve?

She's twelve years old?

Will you relax?

She's going to be 18 next month.

That makes her 17.

I'm a 40 -year -old man going out with a 17 -year -old girl. What the hell am I

doing? What am I doing going out with a 17 -year -old girl? John, John, what's

John?

It may not be as bad as you think.

Now, was there any physical contact?

Yes, at the sports club.

She got hold of my leg as they were lifting me onto the stretcher.

I don't think that counts.

Good, good, good. Listen, John, my advice to you is to get this Karen

girl out of your life as quick as possible. Yes, I'll do that right now.

Yeah, could you find somebody to help him send Karen Payton to John Lacey's

office, please?

Thank you. When I said now, I didn't mean right now.

No, no.

John, John, the sooner you get this over with, the better.

Now, where'd you meet this girl? I don't know. It was at a club somewhere.

I'd been celebrating.

John, that could be anywhere.

You've been celebrating for three weeks.

Hey, you remember at the school dance?

You got up on stage and tried to sing Windmills of Your Mind.

It was at the school dance?

I met the girl at the school dance? What am I, crazy?

I meet a girl at a school dance?

John, John. John, John.

Yes. Whoa.

Don't spread this around.

This could be a gift to the prosecution.

I won't say a word.

Prosecution? What prosecution?

What are you talking about?

Come in.

Somebody wanted me?

Yes.

Mr.

Lacey, like a word.

I'd never do that.

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

Karen, I did not realize that you were a student at this school.

I mean, I thought you were 23 years old. You told me that you worked in a

hairdressing salon.

Well, I do, part -time on weekends.

You told me you had your own apartment.

No, I didn't. I said I lived in an apartment. I lived there with my family.

I told my mother and father about you. Oh, great.

Well,

my father said he'd like to meet you. I can't meet your father.

I might be older than... your father.

Karen, don't you realize the age gap between us is very great?

My God, I've got fillings older than you.

John, I waited all night in that hospital for you. I know you did, and

touched. Look, Karen, Karen, I'm almost twice your age.

By the time you're my age, I'll be retired.

Well, that'll just give us more time to be together. I mean, we'll be able to go

for walks.

Slowly.

And visit all my different doctors.

Don't make fun of me. No, Karen. Karen, please.

You must find the young man your own age.

I don't like boys my own age. They're too immature.

And I don't like being patronized. You're just like all the others.

I hate teachers. I hate school. And I hate you.

Karen, Karen, Karen, Karen.

She was hoping for a better grade.

trying to tell us you didn't know she was a student until that afternoon.

Well, believe me, there was no way I could have known. When I saw her in the

bar, she was wearing makeup, jewelry, high -heeled shoes.

Oh, she was playing dress -up.

I think I could find some humor in that if it wasn't for the fact that it cost

me my promotion.

Oh, no, did it really?

It seems that Karen's parents made a phone call to the school board.

Oh, John, I'm so sorry. Well, it's not as bad as it seems. They told me I could

reapply again in three or four years.

No, it's all my fault, John. I should have phoned you earlier.

About what?

Well, I noticed that Neptune was influencing your sign.

Neptune symbolizes turbulence and decay.

Yeah, well, I don't believe in my horoscope anymore, Ralph. I mean, I

that's just a lot of garbage. No, no, no.

You shouldn't scoff.

Remember that warning I got about Pluto?

Well, nothing. in my life is going right. My motorcycle is a flat tire. My

wallet got stolen. I still haven't been able to find a job.

Have you ever thought of becoming a mercenary, Ralphie?

You know, a soldier of fortune?

Well, you know, it's funny you should say that, Kirk.

No.

I only ask because a buddy of mine is setting up a little rumble in the

you know.

It's worth looking into, Ralph. It's good pay, free uniform, chance to meet

interesting people and blow the crap out of them.

Well, I don't know if it's really me, Kirk. I go blotchy in the sun.

Ralph, have you ever considered career counseling?

John, I don't even know what I ought to do for a living. How can I counsel?

Next on L .A. Law, Grace prosecutes a cop killer while a beautiful woman wants

to be Leland's lover. And Sunday night, where's Disney's major mouse? Mickey

vanishes during his 60th birthday special on the magical world of Disney,

followed by Family Ties and the blockbuster movie Back to the Future,

Dear John is filmed before a live studio audience.