Original subtitles

(pop music)

(man) ♪ Day is dead the sun is down ♪

♪ And I don't know a single soul in town ♪

♪ Think I'm going solo

♪ I'm just trying to kill a Saturday night ♪

♪ Work all week for a little pay ♪

♪ Get the car and I'm on my way ♪

♪ Won't sit home crying

♪ I'm just trying to kill a Saturday night ♪

♪ Man it's lonely

♪ when only the wheel holds you tight ♪

♪ Run from sorrow

♪ Tomorrow I'll pay for tonight ♪

♪ Yeah

(bubbles)

Okay, Edgar.

Your turn now.

(mouse squeaking)

Hey, come on.

All the rock stars love this stuff.

Here you go.

(mouse squeaking)

(knocking on door)

Barn? Hey, Peyton.

Since when did you become a boozer?

Hmm?

Oh, no.

The scuba club wants a report

on diving under the influence.

Let's see.

Edgar and Vincent were given an amount of whiskey

equal to human consumption of about 10 pints.

It's amazing!

They're twice as big as they were yesterday.

The growth rate is up 2 in a day.

I gotta hand it to you, Barn.

Super dope grown in super time

means a super buzz

and a lot of bucks for us.

Ah, whatever.

Hey, you know, Peyton, over this summer,

I'm gonna test my Ultra Grow mixture

on various other plants.

It might get me a research grant in the fall.

Looks like the party's over for those two.

No kidding.

Let's go, Barn.

It's assembly time.

Come on, Barn.

(mouse squeaking)

Barney, just look at yourself.

You look like you just escaped from a mouse cage.

You know what you need?

No, what?

A girl.

Gotta toughen you up, bro.

Hey, Barn.

How about some math help later?

No way, he's got work of his own to do.

Hey, Barney, did boss man here

get you a date for the prom?

Are you kidding me?

Barney doesn't care about girls.

He's a rocket scientist.

You guys are assholes.

(rock music)

Smile!

Front page Senior Edition.

Hey, you print that and I'll sue.

I'm getting so tired of the girls around here.

So immature.

Hey, Peyton, you and her ever--

Roscoe, you know I don't like to talk about women.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Oh, Barney, how are my orchids coming along?

Oh, they're fine, sir.

We're right on schedule.

Good.

My ex-wife's gonna be insane

when I win that blue ribbon.

(woman giggling)

Carry on, men.

You too, sir.

(girl on microphone) Seniors, I give you The Penguin cheerleaders!

(martial music)

(everyone cheering)

(girls) ♪ We're number one

♪ you're number two

♪ we're gonna push The Tigers back in the zoo ♪

(everyone cheering)

(girl on microphone) Now don't forget our last baseball game

is Tuesday afternoon against The Lincoln Tigers,

so let's get out there and show some spirit, yay!

(everyone cheering)

(girl on microphone) And now, as your class president,

it is my pleasure to introduce

the great principal of Ralph Waldo Emerson High--

Gary Cooter!

(everyone cheering)

(girl on microphone) As I was saying,

the great principal of Ralph Waldo Emerson High,

Mr. Walter Coolidge!

(clapping and booing)

(Walter on microphone) I'd like to congratulate all the baseball varsity.

We haven't won a game all year,

(laughs) but let's not quit.

Let's pound those Tigers into rabbit--

doo-doo.

(everyone cheering)

Charge!

Uh, good luck to you all.

(martial music)

Oh, that was just fantastic.

Miss Burnhart, please.

That's all, seniors.

See you at the ball game.

(Peyton) Miss Updike?

I'm afraid we're going to have to reshoot

your Senior Edition pictures.

The first group didn't come out.

Okay, Peyton.

Follow me.

(rock music)

You won't forget me

when you're with those college girls,

will you?

(clicks)

Corinne--

your love is a prize I could never forsake.

(giggling)

That is one of your better lines.

(rock music)

Hi, Dex. Hi there, Barney.

Now, don't mind me.

Just keep on doing what you're doing.

We only have one more game left.

That's right.

And don't forget you promised

to let me bat once before I leave.

Barney, you're the greatest--

statistician I ever had.

And you're a scientific whiz kid to boot.

If I were you,

I wouldn't be worried about baseball.

Now, when I was your age,

I was always out, whoring around,

having myself a good old time.

Well, I wish I was whoring around.

No, you don't.

Them women is trouble.

First come the woman--

and then the whiskey.

We used to call that the devil's double whammy.

But you know something?

My old lady don't me eat salami no more.

Says it causes cancer.

Maybe you ought to drop this petunia shit

and figure out a cure for that sucker.

Because I can't live in this world

without salami.

No weenies either.

(knocking on door)

Talking about trouble,

here's the stickball king himself.

Just following in your footsteps, Dexter.

(giggling) You wish.

Well, I guess I'll be going, fellas.

So take care, Barney.

See ya later, Dex.

And you get your rich ass to practice on time today,

you hear?

Sure thing, Coach.

Thanks for stopping by.

So how are we doing, Barn?

Not bad.

I'm almost finished.

This is the oil I extracted from the first crop.

Gonna give Edgar a dose now.

This ought to get him blasted.

(blowing)

Edgar seems to be exhibiting signs

of paranoid schizophrenia.

His brain is fried.

Hey, Barn, how do you tell when they're stoned?

Well-- hand me that beaker, will you?

Sure.

Well, first of all,

they eat twice their weight in cheese.

Then they roll over and stare

at this little red light.

(knocking on door)

Hi, Peyton, I'm here to interview Barney

for The Senior Edition.

Sorry, Bernadette, but Barney's in the middle

of an extremely delicate cross pollenization.

Well, then how about just a couple of pictures?

No pictures in the lab, Bernadette.

Well, I need a picture of Barney by his orchids,

that's what the--

All right, I'll take them.

Barney's very busy now, okay?

Sure, I'll be back tomorrow.

Fine.

There's no such word as pollenization.

Whatever, she's a pain.

Look, I gotta run, Barn.

I'll catch you later, okay? See ya.

(mysterious music)

(Barney) Edgar, how did you get that?

(zapping)

All right, eat.

But you realize I'll have to get you a bigger dose

now to counteract the food.

(mouse squeaking)

(zapping)

(mouse squeaking)

(zapping)

(boom)

(mysterious music)

(sighing)

(groaning)

(funny music)

Barney Bonehead.

Up yours.

(dog barking)

(door opening)

(woman) Barney, is that you?

How you doing?

Hi, I'm home.

(man) Where were you?

Your mother was worried.

I was at the lab, I had some work to do.

Would you come here, please?

Your father wants to talk to you.

(man on radio) Hounded by hemorrhoids?

(fart) Then have a Relaxo fruit juice break.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program.

I saved you some supper, but you don't deserve it.

You're right, I don't deserve it.

Don't get smart with your mother.

Sorry.

What happened to you?

Nothing, I just had a little accident

in the lab, that's all.

I think this laboratory nonsense

has gotten out of hand.

You don't go out with girls.

When are you going to ask somebody to the prom?

When I find the right girl, Mom, okay?

I have some homework to do.

Should we?

Oh, let's leave it till tomorrow.

No, I think we should do it now.

(door bangs)

(whining)

(door opening)

Barney, your mother and I are very concerned.

It's your attitude.

Not to mention your late hours

and loss of appetite.

Son, roll up your sleeves.

Should we check between his toes?

What's going on?

Your father and I

went to a drug education seminar

at the school.

Are you a junkie, son?

Right, Dad.

Don't talk to your father like that.

What's the matter, Barney?

Nothing's the matter.

All right.

We'll discuss it further in the morning.

And I expect a little more cooperation around here.

You can start by cleaning up this pigpen.

(zapping)

(door bangs)

How dare you!

I didn't do it.

Alvie did it.

(barking)

And I suppose that dummy taught him how to do it?

(door bangs)

Hey, Barn. Hey.

How you doing? Okay.

How's the hooch?

The hooch?

Yeah, you know.

Hey, Barney, how about that interview?

Bernadette, we're on our way to class now.

You should be too.

Barney, how responsible do you think science are

to the mess of the world today

and do you think they can get us out of it?

Yeah.

Well, the scientists have to bear

some responsibility for the mess.

But I also think they're our best hope

for cleaning it up.

A pat answer, but I'll take it.

What are you planning on doing with orchids?

I really don't know yet.

What do you plan to specialize in at college?

Botany.

Research, that is.

There's a lot of money to be made there.

Is that your goal, Barney?

To make money?

I guess that would be part of it.

That's enough for now, Bernadette.

I'm not interviewing you.

I agree, I think that's enough for now.

(bell ringing)

You gotta watch her, Barn.

She's nosy.

She sure is pushy.

Hi, Bernadette.

(Bernardette) Hi, Jane, how you doing?

Did you do your homework?

Yeah. Can I copy?

Again?

Sure.

Good afternoon, class.

I'm so happy to inform you

that we have a very special visitor today--

our esteemed principal, Mr. Walter Coolidge.

Hey, Coolidge, you shave with an axe?

(everyone giggling)

Oh, yes, sir,

you can sit here at my desk, sir.

Thank you, Miss Burnhart.

It's a pleasure to be here.

And now we'll continue

with our final presentations in poetry.

Who's next in the alphabet?

Let's see here.

You're next, Gary Cooter.

Do I have to, Miss Burnfart?

(everyone laughing)

Read us your poem, Gary,

or your next year will be your fourth as a senior.

(Gary) This is a poem about something

that's pretty important to me

and that I get real confused about a lot.

It's called "Chicks."

"Chicks--

"Sometimes I feel like I'm so much above 'em

"and sometimes I feel like I'm so much below 'em.

"Sometimes I hate 'em

"and sometimes I love 'em--

(romantic music)

(Jane) Barney--

Barney.

"but if I was caveman,

I think I'd just club 'em."

(girls booing)

All right.

(girls booing)

(Miss Burnhart) Thank you, Gary.

Barney?

What do you think of Gary's poem?

(girls giggling)

Uh--

What's the--

What's the problem, Barney?

Oh, God.

Are you hiding something?

(zapping)

(Walter) What the--?

(everyone laughing)

(cleaning throat)

Shall we continue?

(people chattering)

Oh, Barney--

when may I see my orchids?

Oh, any time, Mr. Coolidge.

Just let me know ahead of time

so I can straighten up.

It's quite messy in there.

All right, I'll do that.

Let's make it soon, shall we?

Hey, Barn, you feeling okay?

You seem sort of out of it.

What?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm okay, Peyton.

Whoosh.

Jane looks kinda cute today.

Sure does.

Hey, watch this.

All you need is a good opening line.

It all hinges on the first seven seconds.

It's in The Valley, it's the best.

Did they card you?

Yes, they did, but I had my fake,

so it was no problem.

Hi, Jane, can I talk to you a minute?

Sure.

It's, uh-- kinda private.

Okay.

Who are you going to the prom with, Barney?

Oh, uh-- I don't know yet.

Why don't you go with one of your mice friends?

So what's this all about?

Saturday night.

Dinner and a flick, we'll have a blast.

Cut the crap.

You know I'm going out with Robert Wolcott.

He's pre-law at Tee Winkle College.

Why should I go out with you?

Well, I'm pre-rich,

pre-famous and pre-powerful.

You act like pre-school.

That's a little immature for me.

(screaming) Ah!

Wow!

(screaming) Ah!

(Robert) What the hell is going on here?

Nobody touched her, swear to God.

What's she screaming for, punk?

Nothing's going on, Robert.

He didn't touch me.

The wind blew it open, that's all.

Nothing happened, really.

He just wishes.

If I catch you near her again,

I'll break your face.

No problem, Rob.

Let's get out of here, Robert.

(zapping)

What are you, some kind of pervert?

It must have shrunk!

Get in the car.

If I ever catch you doing anything like that again

except when we're alone, I'll--

I didn't do it!

How do you suppose that happened?

I don't know.

I guess it was the wind.

You know, like she said.

Yeah.

Well, Barn, you want to get something to eat?

Oh, no, not really.

I think I'm going to go back into the lab.

I guess I'll see you later then, huh?

Right.

See ya.

(mouse squeaking)

(glass shattering)

(zapping)

(mysterious music)

(glass shattering)

(zapping)

(mysterious music)

My God.

I can't believe it.

I'm not dreaming.

(triumphal music)

(triumphal music)

That's incredible, Barney.

How did you get in here?

The door was open.

Anyway, you can't stop me.

It's school property.

(zapping)

Thanks a lot, Barney.

Oh, how cute.

What are their names?

None of your business.

Come on, Barney, don't be mad.

Don't you realize how amazing this is?

What is?

Don't try to bullshit me, Barney.

I saw those test tubes flying around

and I saw those maps pop off the wall.

Big deal.

So what does that mean?

What does the word "telekinesis"

mean to you, Barney?

Uh, I've never heard of it.

Aha, marijuana.

I can't wait to find out

how these fit into all this.

Look, I have some more work to do.

Can't you just leave me alone?

Please?

Barney, you can't expect

to keep a thing like this to yourself.

This is it-- mind over matter,

the power to move things at will.

Hey, Barn.

I was just passing by

and I couldn't help overhearing.

Telekinesis, huh?

Hey, how did it happen?

I don't know.

There was an explosion

and I didn't think anything of it.

But that must have been it because after that,

things started happening.

Peyton-- I can make things fly around.

I can move things.

Barney, we'll shock the scientific world.

We can prove that telekinesis exists.

Look, I don't want anybody else to know about this.

But, Barney-- He's right.

There'd just be a lot of publicity.

We gotta keep this thing to ourselves.

You're right.

Nobody can know.

Uh, I have to go home.

Hey, you feeling okay?

Oh, yeah, I just need some time to think, that's all.

I'm a little foggy still.

Bye. Bye.

So how does the world look through cracked glasses?

Cracked.

(door closing)

Where were you?

I spent all afternoon making dinner

and you don't see fit to come home on time.

Your mother made her specialty.

Spam with cream sauce.

(blech)

Did you bring me that milk

like I asked you to?

Oh, I forgot it.

Son, you've been damned irresponsible lately.

You better explain yourself.

Answer your father.

What's the question?

You don't eat.

You go to sleep at 7:30.

I had some work to finish at the lab

and then I went for a walk, that's all.

Gee whiz, Mom, I said I'm sorry.

I think maybe I'll get a burger.

Now just a minute.

Ahem!

Starting tonight, you are grounded.

You'll be in this house at suppertime

and this is where you'll stay,

(zapping)

I didn't mean it.

Dad, I'm sorry.

You should be.

Now go to your room.

Can't you see your father's a sick man?

(door closing)

(zapping)

(mysterious music)

(Barney) Okay, Alvie.

I've got you on the main view scanner.

They're coming in for a closer look.

Oh, they seem to be afraid of you.

(mysterious music)

I don't believe it, Captain.

That thing could swallow us whole.

Spock, do we have a reading?

Yes, Captain.

Computer indicates we're about to be swallowed

by a giant sheepdog.

(man) For God's sake, I hope he's been wormed.

(Alvie growling)

(men screaming)

(sighing)

I have to get something to eat.

(Alvie whining)

What are you doing?

(whining)

All right, you can come.

But don't say I never take you any place.

There.

Now they'll never know we're gone.

Come on.

(Jane) Who are going to the prom with, Barney?

Why don't you go with one of your mice friends?

Are you talking to me?

(loud) Are you talking to me?

Oh, yeah?

Well, take this.

(glass shattering)

Oh, no.

Now I'm really in for it.

What's all the racket up here?

Who are you talking to?

Nobody.

I was just talking to myself.

My God, what hap--

Who's that in your bed?

(zapping)

(screaming) Ah!

(funny music)

(man snoring)

Mom?

Oh, listen, I'm going for a burger.

I won't be long.

(funny music)

Wake up, wake up!

Barney's dummy.

The dummy, it attacked! Calm down, calm down.

Did you have your 8:00 Valium?

There you go.

Oh, prune juice.

(tires squealing)

(cars passing by)

(bell ringing)

(mysterious music)

(Barney) Edgar, you got it too.

Edgar.

Don't try to push me around.

You better mind your manners,

(knocking on door) you little shit.

Hi, Barney. Hi.

What are you doing?

What is that for?

I thought we'd start by testing your power

for a controlled distance

on substances

with different physical properties.

Bernadette, you don't know a thing about science.

You can't be the subject of your own experiment.

Now, just see

if you can empty the air out of that can.

(zapping)

Very good.

Now, see if you can empty the water out of the tank.

Oh, come here.

(mysterious music)

(thunder rumbling)

(water falling)

Very imaginative.

Now, we know from last night

that you can move solids.

So I conclude that your telekinetic power

works on all three states of matter.

(knocking on door)

Hi, Peyton.

Hey, what's going on?

Barney, we got a game to go to.

Oh, right.

We've been conducting a little research,

but I was just leaving.

Bye, Barney.

Uh, look, next time ask me first

before you barge in here, okay?

Okay.

Sorry.

Gotta keep her under wraps.

Just the power, it's--

I know, it's scary.

You know, I had an idea.

If you don't want to do it, I understand,

'cause we're best friends for life and--

What is it?

I knew you'd drag it out of me.

Play ball!

(man on microphone) The Emerson Penguins take the field.

On the mound for Emerson, Peyton Nichols.

Looks like we're a little short

on the bench today, Dex.

Alan, take your finger out of your nose.

What did I tell you about that shit?

Now suck it.

Suck it!

(man on microphone) First up for The Tigers,

playing shortstop, number 4, Deke Davis.

(girls cheering)

(zapping)

What an amazing hop!

(everyone cheering)

Now batting for The Tigers,

their pitcher and the league's leading hitter,

Nathan "Too Mean" Levine.

(everyone cheering)

There's a shot!

It's a homerun.

(everyone cheering)

Top the first, Tigers lead one-nothing.

(everyone cheering)

Sorry about that.

That's okay, pal.

Let's just keep it cool till the ninth inning,

like we said.

(rock music)

You're out!

(rock music)

(everyone booing)

(zapping)

You're out, strike three.

(rock music)

(everyone booing)

(zapping)

(everyone cheering)

Hold on a minute, Ump!

We got a pinch hitter coming in!

No, no, Dex.

He was your pinch hitter.

You used him in the seventh inning

and now you have nobody else left except me.

Besides, nobody else even touched "Too Mean" anyway.

Oh, come on, Dex, you promised me.

Please?

You promised.

Go 'head on out.

Thanks, Dex.

(everyone cheering)

(man on microphone) Now batting for Emerson, Barney Springboro.

(zapping)

(everyone cheering)

(crying)

What an amazing game.

It had it all,

incredible fielding, pitching, clutch hitting.

And the final score, 3-1, Emerson Penguins.

(everyone cheering)

Thanks, Dex.

If I only knew.

You know something,

we could have been contenders.

(laughing)

We did it, can you believe it?

You were great.

Ah, I couldn't have done it without you.

It was nothing.

What do you say we celebrate at my house?

Forget it.

Oh, Robert.

Good game, huh?

Typical high school stuff.

You would have been eaten alive in college.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure

you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?

You going to The Senior Day?

To Magic Land?

That kid stuff is a little gooish for me.

Oh, yeah, well, they do have

the scariest roller coaster in the world.

Of course, I rode it standing up last time.

You would.

See ya around, jerk.

Did you smell that guy?

Let's get out of here.

(people cheering)

Hey, that's the jerk that made us lose.

Yeah, you little weasel.

Okay, pal, kiss this.

(girls laughing)

(zapping) Ah!

Oh, shit!

Who is this guy?

(both) Hey, hey!

(screaming) Oh!

Oh, Dexter, do you have your passkey on you?

Sure do, Mr. C.

What do you need?

My key doesn't seem to work in this lock.

We all seem to have

that same problems sometimes, don't we?

Hello, sir.

Hello, Mr. Jones.

How are we today?

Just fine, Miss Burnhart.

You see, now, this door has a special lock

and Barney's got he key.

Maximum security for the flowers.

Thank you, Dexter.

I'll speak to Barney about this.

How is Barney's experiment coming along?

That's what I can't seem to find out.

Everything is so secretive.

I want to see what's in there.

(Bernardette) Barney!

Barney, look.

I'm sorry I barged in the other day.

Maybe I've been too pushy,

but you can't just shut me out.

I can help.

Can't we just talk?

Okay.

Great.

Now, I promise I won't do this

if you don't want to,

so don't get mad, okay?

But please don't say no,

it'll be great for both of us, I swear--

All right, what is it? Okay.

My sister knows someone at a research journal

and if we can continue our experiments,

she can publish our findings.

Hey, that's a very good idea.

Oh, I knew you'd feel this way, Barney.

Isn't it exciting? Yeah.

I'll talk to Peyton about it.

Peyton?

What for?

Well, he's sort of got all these plans for us.

You know, like selling the Ultra Grow,

that sort of stuff.

Figures, another scientist sells out.

No, listen, someday, I can get my own--

(Miss Burnhart struggling)

Oh, my!

Well, how much does Peyton think you'll get in jail?

I'm ruined.

I can't believe this.

Come on!

(tires squealing)

(paper rustling)

Yes, Miss Updike?

(Corinne) Look, today's Bachelor Bait.

I'm sorry, sir,

but there's no response to your ad today.

I can't stand this waiting.

I knew that I shouldn't have admitted

I was a high school principal.

They all probably assume I'm a dud.

Oh, I think

it's best to be honest from the start.

(door opening)

Excuse me, sir,

but I just learned something so shocking.

Oh, I can't stand to see them

make a fool of you, sir.

What is it, Miss Burnhard?

Barney's lab.

It's...

It's what?

It's...

come with me, sir.

I hope this is important, Miss Burnhard.

(struggling)

Well, here they are.

What's the problem, Miss Burnhard?

Yes, what is it?

But there was marijuana there!

I saw it!

I think you smoked it, Miss Burnhard.

I appreciate you showing me the orchid, Miss Burnhard,

but sneaking through windows

does not exemplify the sort of behavior

we try to impart to our students.

Good grief!

(funny music)

(scared) Oh--

Dexter.

I was um-- security check.

Got lucky, eh, Walt?

(smiling) No, Dexter.

It's not what you think at all.

I sure hope not,

but I'll be saying my prayers for you,

just in case.

(Miss Burnhard sobbing) God knows I tried.

Oh, uh, Dexter--

keep this to yourself, okay?

Always do.

I got a file in my head two feet thick

about a whole lot of things you do

that I keep to myself.

(laughing) I'll be a son of a gun.

(Bernardette) Hurry up!

I'm trying, I'm trying.

It's too big.

It doesn't fit.

We don't have all day, Barney.

Faster!

That's the last of it.

(relieved) Thank goodness.

Barney.

Dex.

What are you doing here?

Oh, uh-- nothing.

I just thought--

You got yourself a good catch here.

Barney's going to be a famous scientist someday.

Oh, well, thanks, Dex.

We'll see you later. Bye.

Next time, take her some place decent.

That was so close.

(sniffing)

(coughing)

Wow!

Yeah!

Where am I?

Barney, is that you?

Barney is working with me now, Dex.

Mr. Einstein.

I'm feeling strange.

Someone's putting some shit on my mind.

Sounds like too many chili dogs, Dex.

Got to learn to relax.

Chili dogs are what I need to relax.

Salami too,

but my old lady won't let me have it.

I ride a bike to relax, Dex.

Can you ride?

You see, Dex, it is not so hard, is it?

Nah, it ain't so bad after all.

(trumpet buggle call)

(woman) Dexter!

Dexter Jones!

Bow-legged sap sucker.

Here comes the devil

and the four black stallions after my ass.

That's it, I found you.

You can't hide nothing from me, Dexter Jones.

You ugly spasm.

Who is that, Dex?

That's my wife.

Found out where I hid salami in the garage.

You'd better be making tracks, Dex.

You ain't shitting, Mr. Einstein.

This'll teach you.

(boom)

Help me, Mr. Einstein!

Barney!

Help me!

(thinking) Back on Earth.

(Peyton) What a drag.

Nobody even got to enjoy the stuff.

All that research down the drain.

Better than his life down the drain.

We had to do it, Peyton.

Oh, it's no big deal.

This is small time compared to what you can do

with your-- you-know-what.

Well, I've got to go.

See you around, guys.

Bernadette?

See ya.

Sure.

(rock music)

Jane, you're slouching.

Beautiful!

Great.

(man) ♪ Give me a taste of the wind in my face ♪

♪ and the sun shining up above ♪

♪ Me and my friends got the world in our hands ♪

♪ and somebody could fall in love ♪

♪ All the kids go looking for trouble ♪

♪ Now that school is over and done ♪

♪ and we might just stay here all night ♪

♪ doing it right just for fun ♪

♪ Checking the action the latest attraction ♪

♪ back on the track again

♪ You better hold tight 'cause it's faster than light ♪

♪ you may lose a few now and then ♪

♪ All the kids come looking for trouble ♪

♪ and the good times only begun ♪

♪ and we might just stay here all night ♪

♪ doing it right-- ♪

I want that one right there.

You're full of it, man.

Maybe.

Did you see Robert's face, poor guy?

Ah, he deserved it.

I suppose.

I'm getting a little tired of this kid stuff.

What kind of man are you anyways, Peyton?

Why, I'm a man's man, Robert.

What did you have in mind?

(belches)

Okay, that's a 12-pack each.

Can we go now, you guys?

Sure thing, let's go.

Ready, buddy?

Ready, Freddie.

Don't you call me that.

You call me that again and I'll kill you.

Freddie is Robert's disowned older brother.

He went away on big game safari in Africa

and married a little pygmy girl.

(belches)

(fart)

You guys, are disgusting.

First one to puke is a loser.

Right.

100 bucks.

100 bucks.

(Barn) Hey, Peyton!

Peyton! Barn!

What are you guys doing?

Can't you tell?

They're stinking drunk.

Uh, Barn?

Is there something that you can do

to make him spin a little faster?

Yeah, sure.

Thanks, buddy.

I appreciate it.

I wouldn't get involved in this if I were you.

What are friends for?

(fairground music)

Oooh!

(laughing)

Oooh!

Hey, Robert!

(laughing)

(fairground music)

Hey, what's the matter, ace?

You got a problem?

(laughing)

(throwing up)

Listen, listen.

Are you okay?

Yeah, tell Peyton I'll pay him tomorrow.

(coughing)

How you feeling?

Oh, I'm fine.

How's Robert?

Robert says you'll get your money tomorrow.

I guess college didn't teach him

how to be such a good sport, huh?

Shouldn't we go get something to eat?

Burgers? Yeah.

Well, do you think you could win me

one of those big pink panthers

to match the curtains in my bathroom?

Sure thing, come on.

Oh!

Hey, Barn.

What's the story with you and Bernadette?

I don't know.

We seem to be getting along pretty well.

Boy, I'll tell you,

that Jane's one nut I'd really like to crack.

Hi, Jane.

Hi.

Where's Rob?

He wasn't feeling too well,

so he had to go home.

Seemed a lot more mature

than that punk kid you're with. Buzz off, pal, okay?

Hey, these guys giving you some trouble?

Everything's under control, thank you.

Hey, how old are you, buddy?

13?

Talking to me?

Yeah, pal, he's talking to you.

Are you talking to me?

He already said he was, Barney.

You must be talking to me.

I'm the only one here.

Where am I, Barn?

Enough of this shit.

(action music)

Oh!

(blow)

Oooh!

(action music)

Let's get out of here.

Now, that was exciting.

It was nothing.

You were fantastic in there.

Ah, they were just messing with the wrong guys.

I hate to say it,

but I think the park is closing soon.

Only problem is we never got to eat.

Dinner?

I accept.

You know, I'd just like to say

that this is really nice.

Do you feel the same way?

(Jane) So, this is your studio, huh?

(Peyton) Yep.

What do you think?

It's, um, very interesting.

(cork squeaking)

(soft music)

(fart)

(soft music)

Here we are.

Maybe later, okay?

What's wrong?

Well, you know, Robert.

He's taking me to Hawaii for graduation.

I understand.

I don't want you to do

anything you don't want to.

You don't?

No.

I have way too much respect for you, Jane.

You do?

(classical music)

I didn't know you liked this kind of music.

I don't know.

Today's music just seems so--

juvenile.

I find that classical music helps me relax

when I really get uptight about things.

Really?

What have you got to be uptight about?

Well, yesterday, I got my acceptance to Harvard,

so it's between there and Yale.

Only I can't decide whether to go

to pre-med or pre-law.

My dad, he wants me to go to business college,

then I can run his corporation.

See, if I did that,

he said he'd start paying me my salary now,

after the classes start.

A salary?

Well, it's more like an allowance.

Just 100 grand a year.

Really?

Go on.

I shouldn't be bothering you with these things.

My own private hell.

No, that's okay.

Really.

I feel like I've been going

through some changes lately.

Like, I'm becoming more mature.

You do seem more mature.

I'm sorry.

What's wrong?

I don't know what came over me.

It's okay.

Really.

(classical music)

(camera clicking)

What was that?

What was what?

That flash!

Something flashed!

It must have been in your mind.

Guess that means something.

Do you remember that time

that Peyton scared Mrs. Smith

with that frog from biology class?

Yeah, yeah.

I loaned him that frog.

I never got it back.

You know, I'll kill you if you tell anybody this,

but, uh, I had a crush on Peyton in fifth grade.

Really?

Did he know?

Oh, no, no way.

I had three crushes a year

'till eighth grade

and I never told any of them.

How about you, Barney?

What?

Who'd you have a crush on?

Oh, uh, nobody.

You're turning red, Barney.

Come on, you can tell me.

Well, I did have a crush on Pamela Browning

in the sixth grade.

Well, did you tell her?

What happened?

She got pregnant, and they sent her away.

No, no!

Well, you just have to be careful, that's all.

Yeah.

So...

what do you want to do tonight?

I don't know, uh, watch TV?

Mess around.

Whatever you want to do.

Mess around sounds good.

(soft music)

That's my mom.

I'll walk you out.

(man) ♪ Take me to your heart

♪ Show me where to start

♪ Let me play the part of your first love ♪

♪ All the stars are right

♪ every wish is ours tonight my love ♪

♪ Pity those who wait trust in love to fate ♪

♪ finding out too late that they've lost it ♪

♪ Never let it go

♪ they will never know the ways of love ♪

♪ Got to believe in magic

♪ tell me how two people find each other ♪

♪ in a world that's full of strangers ♪

♪ You've got to believe in magic ♪

♪ something stronger than the moon above ♪

♪ 'cause it's magic when two people fall in love ♪

(soft music)

♪ I may never know why I need you so ♪

♪ all I need to know is this feeling ♪

♪ Handle it with care

♪ we were born to share this dream my love ♪

♪ Got to believe in magic

♪ tell me how two people find each other ♪

♪ in a world that's full of strangers ♪

♪ You've got to believe in magic ♪

♪ something stronger than the moon above ♪

♪ 'cause it's magic when two people fall in love ♪

(soft music)

♪ Got to believe in magic

♪ tell me how two people find each other ♪

♪ in a world that's full of strangers ♪

♪ You've got to believe in magic ♪

♪ something stronger than the moon above ♪

♪ 'cause it's magic when two people fall in love ♪

♪ Tell me how two people find each other ♪

♪ in a world that's full of strangers ♪

♪ You've got to believe in magic ♪

♪ something stronger than the moon above ♪

♪ 'cause it's magic when two people fall in love ♪♪

(both laughing)

Robert, feeling better?

Yeah.

There you go.

It's all there. Thanks.

No hard feelings, right? No, no hard feelings.

In fact, if you want to try some real gambling,

we got a roulette wheel at the frat house.

Roulette, huh?

I'm sorry, Robert,

I think that's way out of my league.

I think you owe me a shot at getting my money back.

Tomorrow night.

How about it?

Well, I got a feeling

I'm going to be real sorry.

Okay, I'll be there.

Good deal.

I'll see you there. Okay.

Sorry I'm late, Robert.

Yeah, come on, let's go. Jane, should we tell him about us?

And ruin my trip to Hawaii?

No way.

Look, whatever happened last night,

I faked every bit of it.

Jane.

That's why it was so good.

(honks horn)

Come on, what's the hold up?

I'm coming, Robert.

(Corinne) It's here, boss.

It's here.

The response to your ad

in this morning's personals.

Go on.

She agrees to your plan.

"Pink carnations at Alfredo's tonight."

But I said Giuseppe's.

She said Alfredo's is more romantic, and I agree.

Okay.

This is it.

Oh, God, I'm excited already.

I think she's the woman I've been waiting for.

What do you think?

Well, here.

What's your horoscope say?

"A casual encounter may be the hot affair

you've been waiting for, if you don't choke."

(soft music)

You know, Barney,

I'm the last person I thought would be excited

over the senior prom and now I can't wait.

Neither can I.

(horn honking)

(Peyton) Hey, Barn.

Hey, Peyton.

Um, why don't you go inside?

I'll be right there.

Okay.

Hey, where have you been?

I've been looking all over for you.

I've been around.

Hey, Peyton, I got a date for the prom.

Ah, you and Bernadette, huh?

Great.

Now listen.

We got invited to a frat party tonight

and they have a roulette wheel.

I got it all figured out.

You do your thing, we'll make a fortune.

We'll break those idiots.

Oh, I don't know, Peyton.

I kind of wanted to go out

with Bernadette tonight.

Oh, Barn, you can't pass this up.

You can go out with Bernadette any time.

Ask her along if you want.

All right, I'll ask her.

Roulette wheel?

Barney, I thought you were a scientist,

not a racketeer.

What's the big deal?

Go ahead and use your power gambling all the time.

I won't stop you.

I just hope you like being Peyton's clone.

Come on, Bernadette, it's just this one time.

Oh, sure.

Tomorrow night you'll probably go to Las Vegas.

Hey, not a bad idea.

Tomorrow night's the prom.

I think I'd rather go alone anyway.

(zapping)

(tires squealing)

Let me go, Barney!

I'll call you later, okay?

Barn.

Sometimes life is like an onion.

You peel it, it makes you cry.

Just leave me alone, okay?

Ah, Barn, she'll go to the prom with you.

I'll pick you up at 8:00, okay?

Yeah, okay.

See you later.

(Peyton) ♪ My date is a roulette wheel ♪♪

(classical music)

(laughing)

Rose.

I never dreamed it was you.

Nor I.

(classical music)

Are you--

you are the sensual, witty,

intense middle-aged man

who wants to live life to the fullest.

You are the affectionate,

complex, adventurous woman

with an unbridled joy for living.

Joie de vivre, I said.

French.

(classical music)

(unzipping)

Oooh!

Rose, darling.

Very nice, thank you.

I don't understand, sir.

You haven't ordered yet.

We'd like a little more time.

Very well, sir.

Call me when you're ready.

(Miss Burnhart moaning) Walter, Walter.

(knocking on table)

Is everything all right here?

Uh--

we'd like the house Bu-Bu-Burgundy, please.

Yes, sir.

(classical music)

Keep your eye on the little ball.

What little ball?

What? I'm kidding.

(knocking on door)

(rock music)

Okay, here we go, here we go.

Hey, glad you could make it.

Get yourself some chips.

Thanks, Robert.

Don't mind if I do.

All right.

(man) Now we got it.

Number 29.

29 black.

They'll kill us

when they find out what we've done.

We're going to have to give up our concubine maid.

Ah, what are you worried about, Larry?

You beat off every night anyway.

Why don't you quit

acting like such a fat turd?

Larry, come on.

Here we go.

New blood in here, all right.

How you doing?

Fine.

Okay, let's go.

Someone's gotta win, let's go.

Place your bets, place your bets everyone.

Place your bets.

All right, let's try it, pal.

Place your bets.

Everyone, watch the ball, watch the ball.

Here we go.

Place your bets.

Okay, here we go, here we go.

Watch that ball bounce, watch it bounce.

18 black.

18 black is the winner.

There's something funny going on.

Sorry, you lose.

Place your bets, everyone.

Place your bets.

Let's get the money down, come on.

Place your bets, everyone.

Watch that ball bounce around.

And it's 36 black.

Make that 43 red.

I mean, it's a, uh--

You're a winner.

(mysterious music)

Let's go.

Haven't we won enough?

Barney, we're just hitting our stride.

If you're good at this then we will hit Vegas.

We'll be set for life.

What are you talking about?

All I'm saying, Barn, is you gotta think big.

There's no other way to think.

38 black.

All in.

I don't want to do it anymore.

Barn, this is it.

All we need is one more throw.

(zapping)

(everyone screaming)

I'm really sorry, Peyton.

(boy) Hey, Wolcott, what's going on around here?

How did that happen?

That's what we're going to find out.

Everybody out of here, let's go.

Now!

That wheel was rigged!

That's what set it off.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Wait, you scumbag!

We want our money back! Yeah!

Hey, Barney, wait. Leave me alone.

Hey, come on, man,

what the hell's the matter with you?

Can't we talk about this?

Peyton, I don't want to talk about anything.

Just leave me alone.

(soft music)

Hello?

Um, this is Barney Springboro.

May I speak with Bernadette, please?

Okay.

Yeah, thank you.

Bye.

(Dexter) Them women are trouble.

First come the woman and then the whiskey--

and then the whiskey.

And then the whiskey--

(mice squeaking)

Okay, move it up a little bit on the left.

That's good.

Okay, no, no, not quite so far.

Now, on the right,

just down just about 6 in.

That's pretty good.

No, no, on the left,

put it down just a little bit.

Just a little bit.

(soft music)

What happened to you, Barney?

I don't know.

Can we talk?

Okay.

Bernadette, I'm sorry.

Oh, what about?

About the gambling.

About acting like an idiot.

I'm through with it, it's over.

I'm very happy for you.

Bernadette, please, don't be mad at me.

Go to the prom with me.

I mean, we have fun together, don't we?

I've never felt this way with anyone before.

Well, I volunteered for the prom committee.

I had to get to the prom somehow.

That's no problem.

You can just go with me.

Well, I have to be here really early

to help with the decorations and stuff.

Let's just meet there, okay?

See you there.

(snoring)

Barney?

Father Gallagher and Father Murray

would like to speak with you.

Not now, Mom.

I'm going to the prom.

Excuse me.

Shall we begin the exorcism?

What are you talking about?

What exorcism?

Let me go, Father. The tranquilizers, please.

Ma, help me plea--

(suspense music)

I'm gonna throw up.

That's one of the devil's favorite lines.

(reciting in Latin)

(zapping)

(crying) What did I tell you?

(man reciting in Latin)

(gargling)

(suspense music)

Keep him away from me.

Please, please.

(zapping)

(suspense music)

Oooh!

(Barney) I'm going now, Mom.

(zapping)

(chuckling)

(reciting in Latin)

(door closing)

Oh, hello, Fathers.

Oh!

(rock music)

(man on microphone) ♪ She's a star spangled baby from New York to LA ♪

♪ Dallas to Chicago and The San Francisco Bay ♪

♪ Star spangled baby she's a belle of New Orleans ♪

♪ A blue-jeaned American beauty ♪

♪ bursting at the seams America's queen ♪

♪ She's just seventeen

♪ America 's queen

♪ She's just seventeen

♪ She's just seventeen--

♪ She's just seventeen ♪

(everyone cheering)

(Miss Burnhart on microphone) Okay, okay, seniors,

may I have your attention, please?

I have a very important introduction to make.

Your class president, Bernadette Holland,

is going to reveal

who is the prom king and queen.

You know, Walt,

looking at these pretty young girls

makes me feel kind of old and ugly.

But not as ugly as you.

Ain't this a bitch.

Look who's talking.

(Bernadette on microphone) Welcome, Seniors.

I hope you're having a good time.

(everyone cheering)

This year's Prom Queen is Jane Mitchell.

(everyone cheering)

Congratulations, Jane.

Congratulations.

(Jane on microphone) Oh, thank you.

I love you all.

(everyone cheering)

(Bernadette on microphone) This year's Prom King is Peyton Nichols.

(everyone cheering)

Congratulations, Peyton.

Thank you, Bernadette.

(Peyton on microphone) I'd just like to say it's been a great year.

(everyone cheering)

(Jane) Okay, let's get on with it.

(Bernadette on microphone) The King and Queen will lead us in the next dance.

(Miss Burnhart on microphone) Let's everybody have a good time!

(everyone cheering)

(soft music)

(man on microphone) ♪ We're the king and queen of hearts ♪

♪ hold me when the music starts ♪

♪ All my dreams come true when I dance with you ♪

♪ Promise me you're mine tonight ♪

♪ I will wai in line tonight ♪

♪ while the lights are low

♪ I'll never let you go

♪ Did I dream that we danced forever ♪

♪ in a wish that we made together ♪

♪ on a night that I prayed would never end? ♪

♪ You know it's not my imagination ♪

♪ or part of the orchestration ♪

♪ Love is here at the coronation ♪

♪ I'm the king and you're the queen of hearts ♪

♪ Time will pass and tears will fall ♪

♪ but someday we'll both recall ♪

♪ moments of these golden memories ♪

(soft music)

You look really pretty.

You don't look so bad yourself.

Oh, uh-- I brought this for you.

It's one of mine.

It's beautiful.

Oh, I love it, Barney.

Can you pin it on me?

Oh, sure.

Thanks.

Do you want to dance?

Oh, no, I can't dance.

Don't be a chicken, Barney.

I don't know how.

I'll lead.

It's easy.

Come on.

(man on microphone) ♪ Did I dream that we danced forever ♪

♪ in a wish that we made together ♪

♪ on a night that I prayed would never end? ♪

♪ You know it's not my imagination ♪

♪ or a part of the orchestration ♪

♪ love was here at the coronation ♪

♪ I'm the king and you're the queen of hearts ♪♪

(soft music)

(everyone cheering)

(Bernadette) Now that wasn't so bad, was it, Barney, huh?

(Peyton) Hey, you two are looking great.

I mean it.

You're a handsome devil, Barn.

Thanks.

You look pretty good too.

Thanks.

Still mad at me, Barn?

Excuse me for a minute.

See?

Everything's patched up with you and Bernadette.

Got nothing to worry about.

Here, Barn.

What's this?

Airline tickets.

Look, last night was kid's stuff.

We can go all the way, the big time.

Las Vegas.

Is this a joke?

Barney, we just need one more shot.

No way, Peyton, forget it.

Worth a try.

(Peyton) Well, well,

would you two like some refreshments?

Plenty of punch

left in those watermelons over there.

It looks like you've had your share.

Oh, I've had a little.

Sure love some more.

I've had just about enough of you, buddy.

We got a score to settle.

Last night.

Hey, don't get excited.

Look, I want to be pals, okay?

I brought you something.

It's to make up for what happened.

I'm really not such a bad guy.

And just to show you

there's no hard feelings, Robbie,

I want you to have this.

It's from my personal collection.

Holy shit.

A portrait of the queen.

Collector's item, limited edition.

Wanna buy one?

(girls exclaiming)

(zapping)

(shrieking)

Thanks, Barn.

I knew you were a pal.

(zapping)

Whoa!

(everyone laughing)

Barn, I just wanted to say I'm really sorry

about that Las Vegas stuff.

I'll forget I even had the idea, okay?

Put her there, pal.

Ah!

(laughing)

(shrieking)

Jane!

(zapping)

(howling wind)

(girls screaming)

Barney, what are you doing?

(zapping)

(laughing)

(girls screaming)

(action music)

Barney.

(girls screaming)

(zapping)

(both laughing)

(action music)

(gasping)

At it again.

(laughing)

This way, Rose.

(gasping)

Oh, no, you don't, you son of a bitch.

Barney, don't you think enough is enough?

Let's get out of here. Ah!

Oh, I'm sorry, are you all right?

(intriguing music)

Barney?

Are you all right, buddy?

This power's more trouble than it's worth.

Try lifting your head up.

Are you in pain?

Something happened.

My head is tingling.

I've lost it.

What?

The power.

I've lost it.

Wow.

Hitting your head

and getting knocked unconscious

must have shifted things back to normal.

Well, at least you weren't hurt.

I knew it was too good to last.

I'll see you, Bernadette.

Keep in touch.

Take it easy.

Guess this kind of messes up your research, huh?

Guess it kinda does.

Well, no more exploding clothes

for the telekinetic kid.

You'll just have to do it with your own two hands.

(sneezes)

(zapping)

Oh, thank you.

(soft music)

Bernadette-- What?

Can I give you a lift home?

Barney!

Barney, what are you doing?

Wait a minute.

Barney, Barney!

(man) ♪ Someone's playing tricks on me ♪

♪ where's that quiet kid I used to be not long ago ♪

♪ the one I used to know

♪ Suddenly I feel so strange ♪

♪ magically my whole life has been changed ♪

♪ turned inside out and it makes me want to shout ♪

♪ Here I am take a look at me ♪

♪ I'm high as a kite and twice as free ♪

♪ Like a dream that was meant to be ♪

♪ this time it's mine

♪ and I'm not running away like I did before ♪

♪ I'm not going to hide from it anymore ♪

♪ When I find what I'm looking for ♪

♪ this time it's mine

♪ Now that I've got my shot

♪ And I'm coming to get what you got ♪

♪ if you're ready or not

♪ I was playing hide and seek ♪

♪ staying out of sight

♪ 'till your love discovered me ♪

♪ I was blinded by the light ♪

♪ Now I see the light

♪ Here I am take a look at me ♪

♪ I'm high as a kite and I'm twice as free ♪

♪ Like a dream that was meant to be ♪

♪ this time it's mine

♪ and I'm not running away like I did before ♪

♪ I'm not going to hide from it anymore ♪

♪ When I find what I'm looking for ♪

♪ this time it's mine

♪ Now that I've got my shot

♪ And I'm coming to get what you got ♪

♪ if you're ready or not

♪ I'm coming to get what you got ♪

♪ if you're ready or not

(soft music)

♪ Here I am take a look at me ♪

♪ I'm high as a kite and I'm twice as free ♪

♪ Like a dream that was meant to be ♪

♪ this time it's mine

♪ and I'm not running away like I did before ♪

♪ I'm not going to hide from it anymore ♪

♪ When I find what I'm looking for ♪

♪ this time it's mine

♪ Now that I've got my shot

♪ And I'm coming to get what you got ♪

♪ if you're ready or not

♪ Here I am take a look at me ♪

♪ I'm high as a kite and I'm twice as free ♪

♪ Like a dream that was meant to be ♪

♪ this time it's mine and I'll get my shot ♪

♪ and I'm coming to get what you got ♪

♪ if you're ready or not

♪ I'm coming to get what you got ♪

♪ if you're ready or not ♪

(soft music)