All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S07E05.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

ADULT ADAM:
The '80s sparked some of
the most iconic couples ever!

From Loni and Burt
to Goldie and Kurt,

if you acted together, you
usually ended up together.

And since my ex, Dana,
had come back into my life,

I secretly hoped
the fall play would
rekindle our romance.

Ladies and lords,
hold on to your Tudor caps.

Romeo and Juliet!

Yes! It's West Side Story

without the fun music
or Latino gangs.

I haven't read it yet,
but Carla's always saying

how we're totally
gonna end up like
Romeo and Juliet.

Oh, boy.

Well, I'm definitely
auditioning for Juliet.

And good luck,
everyone else,

'cause you're
a shoo-in, girlfriend.

Friend that's a girl.
Just girl.

You know what you got.
Have a Romeo in mind?

Who're we kidding?

Andrew Gallery
crushed it as Romeo

at that fancy arts camp
last summer.

Right. Gallery.

Yep, every drama class
had one...

Handsome, weirdly confident,
and totally unbearable.

I find if I only wash
my hair once a month,

it gets
a natural messiness

that I can't acquire with
a traditional conditioner.

You are so brave.

I want to play a marine
one day.
Oh.

Apparently he told
the Yale theater program
he'd "let them know."

Someone should let him know
he's not all that.

No way, bro.
Gallery checks
all the boxes!

Accept it.

There's just
way better people
in the world.

I guess he's kinda cute.

Anyway,
I'm gonna go run lines.

If Dana lands Juliet
opposite Andrew Gallery,

it will for sure
turn into a showmance.

"Showmance"?

Just because
two beautiful teens

spend hours together
rehearsing and kissing

in the most
romantic play ever
doesn't mean...

Oh, balls, balls!
Yep.

That drab auditorium
might as well be
The Blue Lagoon,

'cause young love
is afoot.

You're a foot.

You know what?
Maybe I'll try out for Romeo.

Then you better
start learning
some Shakespeare.

It's not exactly
the easy-breezy
dialogue from ALF.

I will get the part
and showmance with Dana

and prove you
and everyone else wrong.

But, unfortunately,
that meant this.

"O Schmoopie-o,
Schmoopie-o,

"wherefore art thou,
Schmoopie-o?"

Mom! Enough with
the Schmoopie-o's!

Shakespeare would love
the way I talk.

You know who doesn't
love the way you guys
are talking?

Vic and I.
I don't mind, Mur.

(CHUCKLES) My daughter's
auditioning for that play.

Asha? She's like
five years old.

Oh, she was...
11 years ago.

Well, tell Asha
to break a leg.

I most certainly
will not.

The last thing I want
is my sweet angel

in some teen raunchfest.

Raunchfest?

That Shakespeare
was a grade-A horndog.

There's no way I'm letting
some hormonal Romeo

smooch up
my little princess.

Don't worry about this one
landing the role. No offense.

Offense taken,
taken hard!

Watch me perform
Romeo's death by poison.

Ohh!
(IMITATES SLURPING)

Thy drugs are quick.
(GROANING)

Oh, no!
Thus with a kiss, I die!

With Mama's kiss,
you live!

No!

If thou goest,
then I go, too.

Oh, give me that vial.

You two mind dying
in the kitchen?

(GROANING)

* I'm twisted up inside

* But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

* I don't know the future

* But the past keeps getting
clearer every day *

ADULT ADAM:
It was October 23,
1980-something,

and Erica was crushing
college academically.

Cheggit! I got another "A"
on my sociology midterm.

Another perfect grade?

Your GPA is gonna look
like Fonzie on a Friday...

All "Aaays."

Yeah, I don't have time
to acknowledge
how lame that was.

Come on, let's celebrate

by going to one of the many
fun hangs on this corkboard.

Oh, no!
A lost dog?

Snowball is fine,
and so am I.
No parties.

But all you do is go from
your dorm to the classroom

and back to your dorm.

I mean, get out there.
Meet some people.

And if you do,
ask them if they've seen

a bichon/pug mix
who loves carrots.

Whoa! Whoa! Can't stop!
Can't stop!

Can't stop!

Ugh!
Ohh!

Oh!
I am so sorry.

Are you okay?

This is my first time
riding a skateboard.

Yeah, well, a crowded,
public space full of strangers

is a perfect place
to start.

Oh, here, take my sweater.
Your knee is bleeding.

Wait. Is this cashmere?

I don't want to ruin it
with my knee blood.

It'll give it character.

And then some cute guy
is gonna come up to me,

and he'll be like,
"Hey, you got blood
on your sweater,"

and I'll be like,
"You're stupid."

And then
he'll be my boyfriend
for a few weeks,

and I will have you
to thank.

Wow.
You're, like, a lot.

Thanks! I'm Ren.
It's short for Lauren.

I'm Erica.
Or Ca?

Yeah,
that doesn't work.

Um, well, it was nice
to break your fall.

Don't look, but there is
a guy over there

who is majorly
creeping on you.

Oh, yeah. That creeper's
my boyfriend.

He wants me to make a friend.

Tell him you did.

ADULT ADAM:
And just like that,
over the next few days,

my sister's first college
friendship was born.

Erica and Ren
checked out local music.

College bands suck.

Oh, for sure.

We're taking this.

I'll bring it back
when you learn how to use it.

Run!

And then they hit up
the campus art scenes.

This one
is just squiggles.

I posed nude for that.

For real?
Oh, damn!

That's your butt!

Yep, Erica and Ren
were inseparable.

Nothing could derail
their friendship.

Well, almost nothing.

Oh, (BLEEP).

Ooh, are we
randomly cursing? Ass!

No. It's Parents Weekend.
I know. I'm stoked.

Gene and Rita are taking me
somewhere fancy to eat.

Gene and Rita?
That's so informal.

It's like you
consider them people.

Yeah, my mom's
a kickass defense attorney.

She puts bad people
back on the street.

And, uh, my dad owns a couple
restaurants in the city.

Wow, we have so much
in common.

I mean, my mom could have
been a lawyer,

and my dad owns something
he calls restaurant pants.

I'm just so glad
that my mom and dad

aren't like
those psycho parents

that are in your face
all the time.

Totally.
Holy crap.

We should all grab brunch
together this weekend.

That is...an idea.

Here's the thing...
They can never meet you.

What? Why not?

'Cause they were, um...

Lost at sea.
What?

Yeah, that's a real thing
that I just told you
from my mouth.

Oh, my God. Were they, like,
on a cruise or something?

Yes. That makes
the most sense.

Yeah, they...
They were cruising
for a bruisin'...

And they got one.

That must be so hard
for you and your brother.

Cheggit!
Package from Mom.

Homemade fudgy crunch bars!
(CHUCKLES)

Whoo!
So fudgy in my mouth!

How does it go down?

So sticky!

Sweet, sad Barry.
He just hasn't accepted it.

That is sad.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica
leaned into her lie,

all I cared about was beating
out Andrew Gallery

for the lead
of Romeo and Juliet.

Dude, you're Romeo.

I know, Dave Kim.

Romeo kisses Juliet!

I know, Dave Kim!

And Dana is...

Lady Montague?

Oh, no, Dave Kim.

That means
she's playing my...

Mom.

I mean, it could be worse.
Could it?

It's not like
you're playing
my actual mom.

Even if you were,
I've heard my dad
say more than once

that she's
a handsome lady.

And I'll shut up.

But if you didn't get
Juliet, who did?

There's my Romeo.

Asha?
Congrats.

Dana, you know Asha.
Asha, you know Dana.

You guys both
know each other,
so that's cool.

Our dads
sell furniture together.

More like they
avoid our moms together.

You'll make
a great Juliet.

So, I have to ask...
How'd you beat out
Andrew Gallery?

If I had to guess,
pure unbridled talent.

Wrong.

In the play,
Romeo is a confused
15-year-old.

I thought Adam
would be perfect

because he still has
the wildly underdeveloped body

and crude acting
of a young boy.

You honor me.

Mm.

And a heads-up.
My dad's not too thrilled
about me doing this play.

Oh, I know.
But as a romantic lead,

I'm prepared to endure
the fury of an angry father.

You're Romeo?

(LAUGHING)

But what about
your whole thing
about handsy Romeos

smooching up
your little princess?

(LAUGHING INTENSIFIES)

You understand.
You're not a Romeo.

I was literally cast
as Romeo.

ADULT ADAM: I couldn't stand
that Vic and my dad

thought I wasn't
a leading man.

Meanwhile, my sister
was leading the charge

to protect her friendship
with Ren.

Mom and Dad can't come
to Parents Weekend.

Absolutely not!

Also, why not?

If tacky,
horrible Mom shows up,

Ren will never
talk to me again.

Ha! The friendship
you care about

hinges on the paper-thin
premise you can
hide Mom forever.

This is bad
for you, too.

Do you think potential
girlfriends on this campus

will respond well
to Beverly Goldberg?

Oh, no!

You brought it around to me,
and now I'm invested.

What do we do?

Parents Weekend
starts Saturday.

What if it didn't?

Parents Thursday?

The hell's
Parents Thursday?

Parents Thursday
replaces Parents Weekend

due to an emergency
campus renovation.

Is the tuition going up?
No.

Suckers.
Silver lining...

We have a small window of time
this upcoming Thursday.

Evening.
After dark.

We'll make it work.
MURRAY: I'm out.

You know I don't drive
after dark

unless I like
the place I'm going.

Rats. Well, Mom,
keep in mind

that this event
is super last-minute,

so most parents
won't be there.

Lucky me.

I get my college schmoos
and their campus
all to myself.

ADULT ADAM: And with that,
Parents Thursday was a go.

It all kicked off
at the ladies' field hockey
equipment closet.

If we had a key,
you'd see a lot of sticks.

Moving on.

And they did,
to a sketchy burrito joint
nine miles from campus.

We come here
all the time.

What the hell
is a "kimi-conga"?

Of course,
no school tour is complete

without a stop at the dorm
facilities room.

I push these buttons
all the time.

Beep, boop, beep, boop.
(WHIRRING)

And the final stop
of our Parents
Thursday tour,

the majestic
parking lot.

All right, see you
at Thanksgiving.

Oh. Okay.
(CHUCKLES)

ADULT ADAM: Success!
Erica and Barry
had pulled it off.

Or not.

Parents (BLEEP) Thursday?
Really?

She knows.
You know?

Of course I know.

Erica made me do it!

She's the mastermind.

Barry good.
Erica bad.

Mom, look,
it's not a big deal.

I just don't really
want you here.

You get it.

I guess I do.

I accept it.

What? But you never
just accept it.

Good evening,
gentle daughter.

No, don't be cordial.

What's your
next move, lady?
I need to know!

Oh, no, this is terrible!
She has my burrito in her car!

ADULT ADAM:
Erica knew something
was up with my mom.

Meanwhile, Romeo's
big kiss with Juliet
was about to go down.

Saints do not move,
though grant
for prayers' sake.

Then move not,
while my prayer's effect...

I take.

My kiss with Asha
got a little hot and heavy.

Okay, a lot.

And I wasn't the only one
who felt that way.

Damn!

Okay! All right!
All right! No more!

That's enough.
That's enough.

Adam, I knew you were
the right choice,

because that
was sensuous.

Thanks, I think.

We're children,
so it's a little weird.

It was spicy,
like a Cuban night.

That's not much better.

I mean, it's like I just
came out of a Turkish sauna!

Uh, would you mind
if we took that from
the top?

I'd love another shot.
(CHUCKLES)

Or we could just move on,
maybe.

That's a good idea,
Lady Montague.

Let's take ten
and regroup.

I need to air out
my directing scarf. Whoo!

Dude, this is better than
you could have ever imagined.

All the kissing's
making Dana crazy,

and Asha's clearly
into you now, too.

You think Asha's into me?
Have you seen her notebook?

It's got "AG"
written all over it.
I'm "AG."

I only signed up
for this play

to stop Dana from kissing
that handsome douche,

and now I'm
the handsome douche.

You're gonna be
a theater department legend,

right up there
with that guy

who freed all the cats
during Cats,

and then they couldn't
catch all the cats,

so now we can't
do Cats anymore.

Take that, Vic and Dad.
I am a threat.

Hey, Susie.
I just popped by
to pick up Asha.

How's the play going?

Well, let's just say
that Romeo and Juliet

are taking advantage of their
very palpable chemistry.

Palpable?
I know.
Seems unlikely.

Asha and Goldberg's kid?

Let's just say when
I closed my eyes
and opened them,

I was in Verona,
and true love
was in the air.

Nuh-uh!

Asha's involvement
in this burlesque show
is a big no!

Oh, boy.

ADULT ADAM: After finding out
about our hot and heavy
rehearsal,

Vic was living out
his own tragedy.

So, it's been brought
to my attention that
Ms. Cinoman

has decided to put on
an R-rated version
of Romeo and Juliet.

It's just a kiss.

That is not
how you described it.

The heat around them
made the air buckle.

See? Teenage
air-buckling
and whatnot.

Whatnot!

Excuse me.
Why am I here?

Because your child
is a wolf
in sheep's clothing.

Cinoman confirmed.

Turbulent blood
did fill my heart.

VIC: Damn it, Mur.

You agreed your son
wasn't a threat.

We even shared a chuckle about
how wildly unmasculine he is.

Well, maybe the problem
isn't my son.

It's your daughter.

Asha was attacked
by that four-eyed dorkus.

Whoa!
"Dorkus"?

Oh, you heard me.

The kid is a doof.

I should really
jump in here,

or just see
where this is going.

I forbid your son from
stage-Frenching my daughter!

I forbid your daughter
from stage-Frenching my son!

Is anyone else
picking up on the
irony of this situation?

Rival families torn apart
by their children's love.

Just say the words,
Susan.

This is
Romeo and Juliet.

Nobody's ever heard
of that show.

What are you
even talking about?

I demand you
cancel the play,
Principal Bald.

It's Ball.

And I would if I could,

but the community-service kids
are already painting sets.

Then I demand you remove
all the romance kissing

and... And...
And randy language.

I could do that.

Earl! You can't
rewrite Shakespeare!

One would think,
but look at me go.

Bye-bye, that bit.

Please. Now they're
just star-crossed pals?

Let's play it safe
and make 'em star-crossed
business colleagues.

ADULT ADAM: And so it would be
a romance-free
Romeo and Juliet.

Meanwhile, my sister knew
my mom wouldn't let her free

on Parents Weekend
that easily.

Okay, if I make this,
I live forever

and Dian Parkinson
from The Price is Right

becomes
my live-in girlfriend.

Aw! Doesn't count!

Will you shut up?

Okay, shouldn't you
be celebrating?

You don't have to spend
the weekend with Mom.

No! You think that
she's just gonna let
Parents Thursday go?

She's coming for me.
She's coming hard.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
BEVERLY: It's your mama!

Lady Vengeance
has come.

Oh, no.
Your dread was justified.

(SINGSONG VOICE)
Happy Parents Weekend.

Erica said
you were upset,

but your wrapped gifts
and cheery tone say otherwise.

Not buying it.
What's your game, Mom?

I am a mom, strange girl,
just not yours.

She's pretending to
not be your mom
to get back at you.

Yeah, thanks, Geoff.
Good add.
Uh-huh.

I'm just here
to celebrate
Parents Weekend

with my one child
who attends this university.

She's wearing a sweater
that's so sparkly
and vindictive.

Why are you just
saying the things
we can all see?

And you should know that
I'm not done by a long shot.

Whatever.
Your lame attempt
to divide us won't work.

The sibling bond
is stronger than any...

What the hell, dude?

Sorry, strange girl,
but material goods

and homemade treats
have won me over.

These have
peanut butter!

And butterscotch.

Who's ready
to be spoiled by Mama?

Me.
(LAUGHS)

Just know,
no matter how
hard you try,

you will never
make me jealous.

ADULT ADAM:
And try my mom did.

Look! Mom foolishly
got me a bank account.

Mom got me
more fancy horse shirts

than one boy
could ever need.

Mom got me
a semester's worth
of frozen pizza.

And the gifts
only got bigger
from there.

Oh, Parents Weekend
is the best.

I got a pinball machine

that makes it
nearly impossible
to open my closet.

(CHUCKLES)
Your feeble attempt
to make me feel bad

is sad and will bankrupt
your husband.

Do you hear something,
Barry,

something squeaky
and unappreciative?

That was Erica.
She's there.

And you know what else?

I'm hanging out
with my new friend Ren,

who has cool,
not-crazy parents.

Stupid
family-sized fridge.

Okay, people,
please refer
to the changes

in Romeo and Juliet: A Tale
of Platonic Office Associates.

But soft!

What light through
yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and my...pal
from accounting is the sun.

Parting with my bud
over in H.R.
is such sweet sorrow,

that I shall say good night
till it be morrow...bud.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

What do they even do
at this office?

General business.

Now, stop
asking questions

and start stealing Tybalt's
yogurt from the break room.

I'm too handsome
for this.

I'm out.
No!

We can't lose our Mercutio,
the mid-level executive!

Yeah, I quit, too.

ADULT ADAM: My showmance
was slipping away.
I had to do something.

Asha, wait.

I'm really sorry about
how our dads ruined
Shakespeare.

(SIGHS)
Yeah, they're the worst.

But I still think
you should do it.
What's the point?

Well, even though
they cut our kiss,

we can still share...

Whatever this is.

This?

Our chemistry.

Wait. Wait. Wait.
Do you think I'm into you?

You're not?
No.

But you wrote "AG"
all over your notebook.

Andrew Gallery?

Huh. I guess I'm not
the only person
with my initials.

I'm so sorry, Adam.

ADULT ADAM: And then
it got even worse.

Hey! Guess who's
your new Juliet.

Oh, cool.

Oh, I thought
you'd be more excited.

I'm sorry.
I'm just... Forget it.

It's about someone else.

Yeah.
I'm getting that feeling.

While both of my showmances
quickly fell apart,

my mom was still
determined to break Erica
on Parents Weekend.

Excuse me, random coeds.
Are these seats taken?

Oh, God. Yes.
They're very much taken.

I'm sorry. My...
My parents are coming.

Oh, that's fine. We'll just
sit here until they arrive.

Barry, over here.
(CHUCKLES)

Wait. Isn't that
your brother?

Is it?
No, I think I would know.

I told Mom
where you were.

She bought me
a snowmobile.

I'm sorry.
I am so confused.

It's a vehicle
you drive on snow.

It's right there
in the name.

Uh, no.
This is your mom?

I-I thought
you were lost at sea.

I'm lost at sea?

Yes, because it's better
than the truth...

That you're a crazy person
intent on ruining my life.

Wow. You'd rather have
my lifeless body

bobbing in the ocean

than spend one
lousy day with me
at your college?

Let's go, Barry.

BARRY: Mom, is my burrito
still in your car?

I'm sorry about that.

My mom is just always
on top of me.

With the visits
and constant attention,
it's too much.

Well, my parents
aren't even here.

At least you get along,
and, you know, they're cool.

So cool they forgot
to even show up.

Wait.
They're not coming?

This happens all the time

'cause funny thing is
that they don't care.

But clearly
your mom does.

I don't think you know
how good you have it.

ADULT ADAM: After being
driven away by Erica,

my mom was wrapping up the
worst Parents Weekend ever.

Pinball! Pinball! Pinball!

Pinball! Pinball! Yes!

Barry!
It's a lot.

I know. I almost broke
my high score
from this morning.

(PINBALL MACHINE DINGING)

Oh, don't worry.
I'm just leaving.

Mom, stay.
Pinball! Pinball! Yes!

I never should've made up
Parents Thursday.

Not to mention the whole
"lost at sea" thing.

That was a nice touch.

Look, it took me
a long time to make
my first college friend,

and I was worried
you'd scare her off.

Scare her off?

You can be...
Overwhelming.

Pinball! Pinball!
Pinball! Yes!

Damn it, Barry.
I'm taking
the pinball away.

I know, but you
not wanting me
in your life

is the worst pain
a mama can have.

I'm sorry.

And the truth is,
I love how much
you care,

even if sometimes
it's a lot.

Really?

More than you know.

So, Parents Weekend
isn't over.

Maybe you want to
grab dinner with me
and my new friend Ren?

That would be perfect.

ADULT ADAM:
It's easy to be scared

of pushing someone new
in your life away.

But then you remember
the people closest to you
will always back you up.

Hey, uh, shouldn't you
be putting on the tights
or whatever?

I'm not doing
the dumb play.

Why not?
Asha was just using me.

Then I screwed up
with Dana.
Now I got nothing.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

You know,
I read this thing.

You read
Romeo and Juliet?

There's only one difference
between you and Romeo.

He had his heart set
on one girl.

(SIGHS) I guess
I did get a little
carried away.

Yeah.
Young love is difficult.

Totally.

If you stay patient,
you'll meet your Juliet.

Thanks, Dad.

Also, I talked
to Principal Ball.

He's gonna let the play
go back to the original
Shakespeare.

You did that?
Why?

Because my son
is starring as Romeo,

and I wouldn't miss that
for anything.

ADULT ADAM: That night,
my dad convinced me
I could be a leading man.

I just had to remember why
I did this in the first place.

Hey.

Hey.

Look, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean
to make you feel
like some runner-up.

Whatever.
I get it.

The truth is, I only
tried out for the play

so you wouldn't end up
with Andrew Gallery.

Really?

It's stupid, I know.

No, it's sweet.

And if we're being honest,

seeing you kiss Asha made me
extra bummed I wasn't Juliet.

All right, places!
Places, everyone! Come on!

Oh, crap!
We're not in
business casual?

Guess I'll see you
out there. Break a leg.
You too.

ADULT ADAM: Life has
a funny way of bringing
familiar faces

back into our lives
right when we need it most.

And then there's
those new faces

who can help
make our lives complete.

I'd waited three long years
to kiss Dana again.

If we were meant to be,
this moment would say it all.

* Every little thing
she does...

(RECORD SCRATCHES)

And I didn't feel
anything.

Oof.

That's a swing
and a miss.

Shakespeare was right.

Young love
is totally complicated.

And I was a long way
from figuring it out.

* Now I know my love
for her goes on

* Every little thing
she does is magic *

Then I defy you, stars!

Thus with a kiss...

Gah!
I'm here to apologize.

I may have said some
untoward things about you.

Being a goober, a spaz,
a weenie, a total buttweed.

Yeah. I don't need
a whole recap.

I also said that your flimsy,
unformed child body

was not only shapeless,
but weak and gross.

I kinda have to
get to class.

Additionally, I spoke of
your manly prowess as a joke.

You know who
you should really meet?

Asha! Andrew!

Well, who in the hell
is this smiling simpleton?

Okay, then.
You three have fun.