Original subtitles

ADULT ADAM: Ah, Valentine's Day.

Back in the '80s, you couldn't just text a heart emoji to show you cared.

Nope, back then, you had to make your love known face-to-face.

What'd you get me, Johnny?

Best gift of all, 5'9" of thunder wrapped in a Rush T-shirt.

That is the hottest way to say you got me nothing.

I love you, baby.

Hey, JTP. ALL: JTP!

Everywhere I turn, I see canoodling and smooches.

Enough already!

Don't they know I'll never love again?

Just forget about Lainey, all right?

Let the JTP be your Valentine.

It's just not the same.

Oh, yeah? Check it!

A stuffed croc ready to rock.

Dude, you guys just get me!

And that's not all...

A grappling hook and Hubba Bubba Bubble Tape?

Thanks, guys. I'm feeling better already.

ADULT ADAM: As for me, my girlfriend, Jackie, had the best gift of all.

There's my Valentine!

I know we agreed no gifts, but...

Teddy Ruxpin!

Aww, I loved this little guy!

Well, now I think you're gonna love him even more.

JACKIE'S VOICE: Happy Valentine's Day, Addy!

Don't mean to "em-bear-rass" you,

but you're my honey!

It's Jackie, by the way. Your girlfriend.

Hope this isn't confusing.

Oh, my God, not at all!

I mean, at first, I was like wha...

But now I'm like aww!

Teddy Ruxpin makes everything awesome.

Well, just you wait,

'cause I planned an even awesomer Valentine's week.

It starts off tonight, when we make

the most romantic food of all time.

Pizza? Indeed!

And then Friday is the big night,

when we go to a drive-in movie

to see the most romantic film ever.

Twins! You know it!

It's basically our story! But not at all!

Obviously! Hey! Don Juan!

We're in the middle of class!

Cupid-Gram for Adam Goldberg.

Jackie, this is too much.

Those aren't from me.

What? But then who...

"To my little schmoopaloo..."

Oh, balls! Stop!

"I know you're all grown up, but you'll never be too old

"to be mama's number-one mushy-tushed Valentine baby."

But the next sentence says,

"Just kidding, I'm your mom, and I have clear boundaries."

I'm thinking maybe we make pizza at my house?

Don't worry.

This year, Valentine's is only about us.

You call that a crust, Jackie?

Did you even work the dough?

Ugh. Watch and learn.

Mom, please! This is supposed to be a romantic pizza...

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was February 13th, 1980-something,

and my sister was desperately trying

to put the pieces of her band back together

after losing Lainey.

Whoo! So awesome!

Geoff, please. We all know there's no band without Lainey.

Yeah. She was the one who taught me you can read music.

And I was like, "No, Lainey, you hear music."

And she was like, "No, you can read it, too."

And I was like, "Whoa."

Oh, come on. You guys can't just give up now.

How about I help you hold auditions to replace Lainey?

Hon, i-it's really sweet how you're always taking care of me,

but bringing some random person into the band isn't gonna help.

Let me take care of everything.

I promise, I will bring in the creme de la creme

of Jenkintown's rich music scene.

I'd like to perform an original composition I wrote.

♪ I'm comin' with fresh beats ♪

I got one rule, we only play Rush.

I'm the lead singer, and I take 97% of the profits.

This is a fun, little ditty. It's 17 minutes long,

and it tells the story of a boy who lost his rag.

♪ Ohh ♪

All right, so, how does this work?

Wait, aren't you the guy that stands outside the Wawa

and buys beer for high school kids?

Five for you, one for me.

No, I remember the rule.

I can play lead or rhythm, as long as there's a couch for me to crash on.

No offense, but you should probably leave.

Maybe we should just settle for the charming, old banjo man.

Don't worry. There's still one person left.

See, I was putting up a flyer at the Kremps' flower store,

and I met this dude at the register. He's actually their nephew.

Pass. Lame.

But he's only there helping for the Valentine's rush.

See, he's from Boston, he writes songs,

and he's actually upstairs right now.

Evan, they're ready! Damn it, Geoff!

I'm not gonna settle for someone's random, lame-ass nephew...

Oh, my God!

Hi. Hey.

Hi-heh.

I heard you're looking for a guitarist.

Yep. Flerfem.

So, here's one that I wrote.

Uh, hope you dig it.

Yi.

It's, uh... it's called Mallo Cup.

Neesh pu mish phee!

Okay.

♪ Here I am Outside your house at 3:00 a.m.

♪ Tryin' to think you out of bed

♪ I whistle at your sill

♪ Echoes 'cross the street instead ♪

That's the gist.

So, call the flower shop when you guys decide or whatever.

Cool.

Ugh.

So, I guess we just go with your grandpa

or the Wawa weirdo?

No! That dude's amazing!

W-Wait. So I did good?

Good? You just saved our band!

And you found me my new boyfriend!

I'm so gonna be his biggest regret!

ADULT ADAM: As The Dropouts got the perfect gift,

my mom stumbled on her own Valentine's present.

Damn it, Murray! I almost broke my neck on your pants!

What? Everybody knows my pants go by the front door.

What have we here?

Oh, stop. Don't look at that.

It's not even Valentine's Day yet.

I bet I know what it is...

A fancy assortment of Jagielky's Candies!

You loved them for the last 18 years,

so I thought I'd buy 'em again!

"Dear Bevy, you're as sweet as candy."

Murray!

I wrote it last year, so I knew you'd love it again!

See, this is what I love about Valentine's Day.

I get candies and notes and dinner with my special guy.

I made us reservations, pickle.

Wait, me?

I can't be your Valentine pickle this year.

But I made us a reservation at the new Moroccan place.

It's fun 'cause you get to eat with your hands.

But it's also disgusting,

so I will be sneaking some silverware in my purse.

Fun!

No! I'm taking Jackie to the drive-in.

They're playing the movie Twins.

You are not bailing on your mom

to go see Arnold Schwarzenegger in a comedy.

The Terminator can't be twins

with little Louie from Taxi.

It makes no sense. But they did it!

He's the big, muscle-y twin,

and Danny DeVito is the little, squishy one.

It's funny, 'cause that's not how twins work!

Well, you don't have to see Twins,

because we're gonna be twins.

I'll go grab our matching sweaters.

Balls!

This is your fault.

Every Valentine's Day,

Mom hounds me because you do nothing.

Yep. You know, before you kids were born,

I used to disappoint your mother every Valentine's Day.

And you know why? Because you're the worst

with words, stuff, and emotions?

Bingo! But then you kids came along and stole all her love.

Now everybody wins!

Beep, beep!

ADULT ADAM: While I kissed my Valentine's Day with Jackie goodbye,

my sister was ready to welcome a new band member.

Hey, Mr. Kremp. You got a sec?

I told your mom, she can't make her own coupons.

We were wondering if your nephew Evan's around.

Oh, hey. Sup?

Just here to say congrats. Welcome to the band.

Oh. Sweet.

Um, question...

Will your girlfriend be coming to practice or anything?

I don't have a girlfriend.

These are for you.

Sure. Yeah, that's, uh... That's $6.99.

I have no money.

Enjoy your totally normal welcome-to-the-band bouquet.

See you at practice. Sweet. All right.

ADULT ADAM: And, thanks to our neighbor's nephew Evan,

The Dropouts started making beautiful music together.

BOTH: ♪ I never can forget ♪

ADULT ADAM: Who knew all it took was adding

a handsome, budding rock star to the band

to go from off-key to perfect harmony?

Dude, the new insanely handsome dude

really clicks with Erica, right?

Man, I did so good.

Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

Why are you full-Nelsoning me upstairs?

'Cause Evan's moving in on your lady, and what are you doing?

Cheering him on, like a cheering person who cheers.

A cheerleader? No!

Wait. Yes!

Come on, man. Erica doesn't like guys like Evan.

She's more into the supportive fella

who claps from the sidelines.

They're sharing a single microphone, dude!

So?

Sharing a mic is the musical equivalent

of Frenching under a waterfall.

Oh, God!

W-W-What is this heat I feel rising in my throat?

That's called jealousy, my friend. Embrace it.

M-My chest hurts, and so do my eyes.

Then it's time you learn.

There's only one way to keep Erica...

Harness the thing women crave most.

Irrational behavior.

Dude, I-I'm spinning out,

even though this all sounds so wrong!

Is it? How do you think I got a smoke-show like Lainey?

No one knows. It's 'cause I was loud,

passionate, crazy possessive, and easily threatened.

But you're not with Lainey anymore.

'Cause the one time I was a supportive nice guy, like you,

she ditched me for L.A.

Dude, I never thought of it like that.

You got to help me not wind up like you

by acting exactly like you.

Let's go warm up by screaming at clouds that look like Evan.

Yeah! Ooh!

ADULT ADAM: While Geoff was joining forces with Barry,

I had no choice but to break up with my mom.

There's my little love bug!

Who's ready for our adventure down the street

to faraway, ancient Morocco?

About that. We need to talk.

Oh, no. That doesn't sound good.

Listen, we've had a lot of good times together.

Oh, my God, it's getting worse.

Have I done something wrong?

It's not you. It's me.

About our whole dinner thing...

Maybe it's time we go our separate ways.

Seriously? You're gonna do this to me on Valentine's Day?

There's never a right time.

I just think it'd be healthy for us to see other people.

Like, specifically, my girlfriend and your husband.

Wow.

I just thought this would last forever, you know?

I know it's hard for you to see right now,

but this is the best for both of us.

Well, I guess it's time to move on.

Murray! It's you and me Friday night!

We're getting Moroccan!

What?

What have you done?

Have fun. You're gonna love sitting on the floor.

For the whole meal?

I can't even prop myself up against the wall?

Just you on the floor, sitting on a colorful, scratchy pillow.

I-I can't do this! My body will give out!

Hey, it's outta my hands.

But it's Valentine's Day!

She's gonna want to talk about love and feelings.

That's not my thing!

Bring me back a handful of that wet potato stuff, big guy.

Beep, beep!

ADULT ADAM: Yep, that weekend, my Valentine's Day

was finally gonna be mom-free.

Or so I thought.

There's my little love monkey.

Mom, we've discussed this.

I'm insanely too old for tuckies.

Oh, I'm not here for tuckies.

I'm here to see the man who felt so bad

about bailing on our Moroccan feast

that he poured his heart out into a Valentine poem.

Valen-what-now?

The boy felt so guilty, he wrote you a poem?

This, I got to hear.

Uh, hear what?

"Her heart, more precious than all of Earth's jewels.

"Her love, deeper than the ocean's darkest canyons.

"Her embrace, a home I will live in forever.

"And I call this safe place...

"Mama."

Whoa.

Wow.

I have to take you to a Valentine's dinner now,

if it's okay with your father.

Oh-ho-ho, this is the kind of love

I don't want to get in the way of.

I love my Murray.

Gnah!

Damn you and your shockingly beautiful prose!

When I get cornered, I come out fighting.

Well, this isn't over, sir!

Not by a long shot!

And with that, it was father versus son

in the battle to ditch Beverly Goldberg.

ADULT ADAM: Geoff was ready to harness jealousy,

and Barry was his teacher.

JTP, I've gathered you all here today

to ensure young Geoffrey doesn't get ditched

for a super-hot guitarist.

They shared a microphone!

Oh, that's bad. So intimate!

It's like Frenching under a waterfall!

Luckily, I'm here to shepherd Geoff

into the world of anger and unreasonable passion.

First, we role-play.

Andy, you'll be Erica. Okay.

Um, actually, I'd like to play Erica.

I'm more than just a guy who likes to be naked.

I have range, you know?

I'd like to also throw my hat in the ring for the role of Erica.

I mean, feel how soft my hands are.

Fine! You can all be Erica.

Boom! Finally!

Let's do this! And I'm cool guitar guy Evan Dando.

Hey.

Check out my cool hair and... Butt.

How 'bout I serenade you

while your pushover boyfriend just watches?

Geoff who? Aah!

You, sir, you go now! Begone with you!

The intensity is right. The words are weird.

I want you to leave at your earliest convenience,

and I'm not joshing around, buckaroo!

More rage! Less like you traveled here from the past.

Quick! Throw something!

Aah! Aah... Aah...

Aah! Aah!

Dude! Not cool! That's my mom's lamp!

Oh, no! I'm so sorry!

Never apologize. I'm not sorry!

But you broke her lamp.

I feel terrible! Am I in trouble?

Yes!

But you love trouble! I regret nothing!

Now go down there and win back my sister

by acting like her brother!

Aah!

We've done good work here, gentlemen.

ADULT ADAM: Barry's jealous lesson was complete.

But my Valentine war with my dad was just beginning.

Murray, you keep on surprising me.

You got matchbooks from all our favorite restaurants

and framed them in a piece of loving art?

Framed what now?

Wow, Dad!

I never knew you were capable

of such an ambitious romantic gesture.

In fact, it'd be wrong for me

to steal your special dinner.

He's right, Mur. We're back on!

ADULT ADAM: After that Valentine's ambush,

it was my dad's turn to strike.

Schmoopie, mother-son dance lessons?

Wait, what?

Oh, wow.

Little Fred Astaire even rented a tuxedo for the occasion.

Moonlight trail rides?

Murray, you didn't.

Seems like I did.

Got your cowboy boots from that trip to the dude ranch that you hated.

This is the best day of my life!

You think this is over?

I got two words for you, whale watching.

I see your whale watching and raise you a hot-air balloon ride.

Tandem bike ride in Martha's Vineyard.

Apple picking and making a pie.

Antiquing in New England.

Couples massage!

Shakespeare in the park! Swimming with dolphins!

Rowboating at dusk! Pasta-making class!

Italian opera!

Y'know, you two fighting over me has been so much fun,

I've lost track of who I'm going to dinner with.

Still deciding. We'll letcha know.

Ohh...

ADULT ADAM: While my mom was raking in the love,

Geoff was about to unleash fury.

Yo, Dando. Oh, what's up, Geoff?

Oh, I'll tell you what's up.

It just so happens that I don't like your stupid, handsome face

or your super-talented guitar playing

or your amazingly luscious hair!

What the hell is happening right now?

Geoff, a word.

Love the energy,

but your insults are coming off as compliments.

Good note. Here I go again.

I'm a pretty intuitive person.

I'm getting a vibe you got a problem with me.

Oh-ho-ho! Nothing gets past you

and your super chill way about you!

And you're so nice! I hate you!

Okay, this got weird fast.

Maybe I'm just not the right fit here.

No, it's fine. Couple of buddies

from high school are starting a band,

so I'm just gonna give that a shot.

Good! Take your optimistic attitude

and your dumb-ass box of Lemonheads

and get the hell out of here!

Hey. Thanks, bro.

What the hell has gotten into you?

I don't know, but do you like it?

Not even a little bit.

Good. I hate it, too!

Barry got me all riled up and convinced me

you were gonna leave me for Evan 'cause I'm nice.

I'm a college dropout with a band that rehearses in her parents' basement.

The only consistently good thing in my life is you.

Oh, thank God.

And you! Stop messing with Geoff's head.

You know it's all oatmeal up there.

Huh? I was just trying to help.

By convincing Geoff that I'm gonna leave him? How is that helpful?

'Cause it happened to me!

Lainey broke my heart,

and there was no one there to help or stop it or warn me.

And the last thing I want is for my best friend

to end up lonely and miserable like me.

Don't just stand there! Go after him before he leaves forever!

He's my brother. He lives upstairs.

No, I mean Evan!

I love him!

ADULT ADAM: With that, Erica realized how hard things had been for Barry.

As for my mom, everything was coming up roses.

Well, hello, Virginia Kremp.

How's V-Day treating ya?

Well, as we say in the flower game, business is blooming.

Shh. I'm in mid-brag.

As you know, my guys have showered me

with expensive gifts and ticket experiences.

She's here, Charles!

Bring in the Valentine Explosion.

It's so big and deserved!

"Your devoted husband and keeper of your heart, Murray."

Hmm, Murray. No, no, I think that's a mistake.

Um, Adam actually came in and ordered that for you.

Um, you're very wrong.

Clearly, it's from my husband.

No, I took the order. It was your son,

the one who forces Chad to act in his weird videos.

Then why does it say it's from my "devoted husband," Charles?

Why does it say "Murray" if Adam bought the flowers, Charles?

Why, Charles?

One theory is that they are

trying to dish you off on each other.

The other theory is I should keep my big, fat mouth closed.

Okay. I'm gonna go now. Bye.

Murray! Adam! We need to talk!

Damn right we do.

Look at what Dad gotcha!

It's a bear, and his shirt says, "I love you Bevy much!"

That's nothin'!

Adam wants to take you on a wine-tasting trip to Martha's Vineyard!

Okay, cut the poop!

I know neither of you want to go to dinner with me.

Oh, boy. I'm sorry!

I just wanted to be with Jackie.

Don't be mad at me. Well, I am mad.

But I'm more mad at your father, so I'll yell at him first.

I'll give you two the privacy you deserve.

Bevy, don't be angry.

You... You know I'm not good at feelings and stuff.

Oh, I get it.

I used to think you just weren't good at Valentine's Day.

But turns out, you're amazing...

If it's to get out of spending time with me.

Just let me explain...

Save it.

You got what you wanted.

Valentine's Day without me.

ADULT ADAM: My mom's Valentine's Day was a bust.

It was gonna take more than chocolates to make it right.

Hey. Don't.

Look, I know a few stupid chocolates

won't make up for what I did, but maybe this will.

I borrowed Adam's dumb camera,

and I made you a real Valentine's Day gift.

And I helped!

I was the cameraman, and a pretty darn good one, if I do say so myself.

I don't know if this is a good idea,

just sitting here and saying how I feel.

POPS: Bev's not here.

Just look in the lens and speak from the heart.

MURRAY: All right. Let's do this.

POPS: Now, where's that damn button?

That was absolutely beautiful! Yeah?

Yeah. I-I don't know. I think I could do it better.

POPS: Three, two, one...

Sweet Lord, Murray.

I've never seen you cry like that.

MURRAY: I'm just getting in the groove.

I think I got another one. Let's do it.

POPS: Okay. Go!

I don't know. That one kind of got away from me.

POPS: I don't know. I kinda liked it.

Damn it, Al! You filmed it backwards!

I pushed the button like Adam does.

It was off when it was supposed to be on!

Why would a red light mean "On"?

Red is the international signal for "Stop"!

That's with cars, not with cameras!

Oh, now you're a camera expert!

You don't need a tape.

Just tell me everything now.

Right now?

T-To your face?

I-I can't do that!

Please?

Just tell her, Murray.

Fine!

I love you!

A-And I hate that I live in a constant panic, afraid to tell you that.

And I... I hate that I can't express

h-how much you mean to me!

You just did, Mur.

I-I just said that I love you.

I know.

ADULT ADAM: My dad was the kind of guy

who had a hard time saying "I love you" out loud.

But when he finally did, it was all my mom needed to hear.

What do ya know. The Terminator's funny.

They don't look the same, but it's clear they're family.

♪ Walked along and on until they couldn't

ADULT ADAM: And, as for Barry, his Valentine's Day

would end up being a bit sweeter than he thought.

What's going on? What does it look like?

You've got a date for Valentine's Day.

I appreciate it, but I just want to be alone.

But you're not.

You've got us. It's true.

We're here for you, man.

Listen, we actually know a cool, new band

we thought you might want to see.

♪ Stole a voice to tell her that he wouldn't

♪ He kinda, shoulda ♪

ADULT ADAM: Life is a funny thing.

My best friend's cousin,

who had the same rock dreams as my sister,

really ended up making it

in a band called The Lemonheads.

And even though The Dropouts didn't get quite as big,

it didn't matter, 'cause when you're surrounded by the people you love,

life is full of sweet music.

Aww, Jackie, thanks again for this awesome V-Day gift.

Anytime you miss me, all you gotta do is hit "Play."

COACH NICK'S VOICE: Hey, Goldfarb!

Since you don't listen to me in gym class,

maybe you'll listen to your furry friend.

Balls! Giant Coach Mellor must've grabbed Teddy when I wasn't looking.

This isn't the school fromFame,

so put down your lightsaber and focus on

what's real important, sports!

Good form.