All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S06E10.Yippee.Ki.Yay.Melon.Farmer.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

ADULT ADAM:
Ah, the holidays.

A time for families
to come together
and celebrate the season.

For some, it was about
finding the perfect tree.

For others,
it was about the presents

you'd unwrap
on Christmas morning.

But for me,
it was about the movies.

One for A Christmas Story,
please.

One for Scrooged,
please.

One for Christmas Vacation,
please.

One for Ernest Saves
Christmas, please.

Sorry, it's sold out.

Damn it, no!

I know
Ernest saves Christmas,
but how?

It's one of
life's big questions.
Next!

Bro, help me out here.

I'm jonesing for a warm,
fuzzy holiday flick.

Anything else
fit the bill?

I don't know, man.
That one?

ADULT ADAM:
That day, I discovered
the holiday's greatest hero...

John McClane.

Die Hard?

How is that
a holiday movie?

It takes place
at Christmas?

Eh,
I'll give it a shot.

Do you really think
you have a chance against us,
Mr. Cowboy?

Yippee ki yay, .

Best. Christmas. Movie.
Ever!

ADULT ADAM:
I ended up seeing Die Hard
six times in the theater.

And then, like any
movie-obsessed geek
in the '80s,

I patiently waited for it
to premiere on network TV.

Guys, here it comes,
the greatest line
in anything ever.

Do you really think
you have a chance against us,
Mr. Cowboy?

Yippee ki yay,
melon farmer.

ADULT ADAM: Sadly, network TV
meant dubbing over
all the swear words.

"Melon farmer"?

What the hell's
a melon farmer?

Someone
who farms melons.

You think
someone's sole profession
is farming melons?

Only melons?

Forget the melon farming!

They changed it for TV.

Al, listen to me.
Nobody farms just melons.

Melons and grapes, maybe.
But not just melons.

That's ridiculous.

Well, what do you know
from melons?

Oh, I know melons.

I got a beautiful cantaloupe
cut up in the fridge.

Cantaloupe?
Of all the melons,

that's the one
you go with?

You got
a better melon?

Honeydew.
Honeydew?

That's madness.

Hey, Bevy, bring your father
a forkful of that cantaloupe.

Somebody call for
a forkful of cantaloupe?

I'm getting sick and tired
of the melon talk.

Eat the forkful, Al.
You'll see what I mean.

Oh, that is good.

Enough with the melons.
Just watch the movie.

Admit it. Admit I was right
about the cantaloupe.

Well, I came to the dance
with Honeydew,

but it looks like
I'm going home
with Cantaloupe.

Forget the melon!

Nothing like
a nice cantaloupe,
am I right?

That's a nice melon.

I am so proud
of that melon.
It's a nice melon.

Gah!
You stupid melon farmers
are ruining this movie!

Mmm, that is so yummy.

Hey, pass me
some of that cantaloupe.

* I'm twisted up inside

* But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

* I don't know the future

* But the past keeps getting
clearer every day *

ADULT ADAM:
It was December
1980-something,

and like always,
my mom was prepping
for the holidays.

Feliz Navidad, suckers!

What the heck is on
your delicious little body?

What does
it look like?

Now that
I'm engaged to Lainey,

I get to be
a Christmas fella.

Oh, lucky!
Such a magical season.

Well, you know
what's really magical?

Hanukkah candles
and spinning tops

and endless bowls...

Of sour cream.

Sour cream sucks.

Boo.
That made me sadder.

Well, as long as you live
under my Santa-less roof,

you are a Hanukkah boy
and always will be.

No! My whole life,

I've lived in the only
dark, undecorated house
on the block.

Now, thanks to Lainey,

I get to soak in
how the Christmas half lives.

I don't care if you marry
the Pope's sister.

The only thing you're gonna be
soaking in is this.

(I HAVE A LITTLE DREIDEL
PLAYS)

(WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS PLAYS)

(BOTH SONGS PLAY
SIMULTANEOUSLY)

Oh, man! They're having
a holiday sweater-off.

Calm down, Geoff.

This may be
the least important thing
that's ever happened.

Hey! Ow! Ow!

No!

ADULT ADAM: Yep, it looked
like my brother's
Christmas wishes

would be granted,

or so he thought.

Holy crap.

This place
looks so sad.

What am I looking at
right now?

Just Boggle night.
C-A-T, cat.

Way to go, Billy boy!
Damn it.

I'm confused.

Where's the tree
and lights and presents

and three
ZZ Top-looking dudes

handing out
Frankenstein and Myrth?

Yeah, in our family,
we don't really do any of
the yuletide festivities.

Or mention the word.
You mean "Christmas"?

Shh!
Don't say the "C" word.

Why can't I say
"Christmas"?

Oh, God. Christmas.

Damn you, Pookie!
You broke my heart.

Hello, remember?

Christmas Eve is the night
my mom skipped out on us.

Ever since that night,
we don't do anything
for the holiday.

Not even putting presents
in the chimney

or leaving cookies
in your bed

for Santa and his wife,
Christmas Carol?

Wow, you really know nothing
about Christmas.

Obviously!

This was finally my chance
to eat gingerbread people

and make out
under the kissy leaf.

We may not have
gingerbread,

but we got beanies and weenies
on the stove.

Sit tight.

You're eating beans
for Christmas?
And weenies?

This sucks!

Why do I have to marry
into the one family

that refuses
to do Christmas?

Yeah, I'm sorry
my mom abandoned me,

causing a lifetime of turmoil
for my dad and I

and slightly inconveniencing
your holiday plans.

In time, I feel like
it'll get easier for me.

Ugh, bad news.

Had a case of the sads
last night
and ate all the weenies.

But we got beans galore!

Merry Boggle Night, Bar.

**

Merry Boggle Night.

All the spoons are dirty.

ADULT ADAM:
While Barry was "boggled"
by Lainey's Christmas,

at our house,
the holidays always brought
a special visitor.

Uncle Marvin!
Sweet ride.

It's called a Mi-ya-ta!

It's what
the Hollywood Reporter calls

"safe for its size."

Since when do you read
the Hollywood Reporter?

Ever since your uncle
became a big TV star.
What?

Let's just say
that recently

I looked directly down
the barrel of a camera,

and now the world wants more
of Mordechai Fishman.

Who?
That's my stage name.

Why?
Most actors,

they want
to change their name
to something less ethnic.

But when they zig, I zag!

That's genius, Morty!
So, what's the show?

Oh, it's only
the biggest hit on TV.

Mr. Belvedere?

Bigger and better.

Better than Belvedere?
That's not possible.

It's a gritty
new police show.

And when it airs,
oh-ho-ho,

I am going to be
a major player
in the industry.

Dude, my dream
is to be a major player
in the industry!

Then why don't we two
major players in the industry

cook up
a project together?

Yeah. Now that you're
a real working actor,

let's join forces
and pitch our
own Die Hard!

You mean
the action movie?

Wait a minute.
That's already been done.
Exactly.

It's a huge hit,
which means
Hollywood's gonna buy

a ton of shoddy,
poorly-written carbon copies.

I can write poorly.

This is perfect for us!

Hey, Dad,
Uncle Marvin's gonna parlay
his new TV connections

into a huge sale for us.

Hey, that's fantastic!

Okay, if that's sarcasm,

then I got something for you
to look at right here, mister.

Good for you!

Look at it!

It's a Hollywood contract,

and it's from
the Fox Broadcasting Company,

which proves
that it's real.

That's fantastic!

What is happening?
Why are you believing in me?

'Cause that's what I do.

No, you don't.

Every holiday, you accuse me
of being a liar and a con-man,

and then you literally say,
"I don't believe in you".

This year, I've decided
to just kick back
and enjoy the holidays,

so have at it!

Mur-man's on board.
Whoo-hoo!

ADULT ADAM: As we ran off
to take Hollywood by storm,

my mom was brewing up a plan
to keep her Hanukkah boy
at home.

Seasons greetings,
handsome.

Whoa.
What is all this?

Oh, just a typical
Hanukkah.

Maybe you call
Bill and Lainey,

and invite them over for
a casual Ha-nook.

Okay, what's going on?

Mom's doing that thing
where she turns the holidays

into a terrible competition
where no one wins.

If that was true,
then why is my nickname
Easy Breezy Holiday Bevy?

It's not.

You got in a battle
over Christmas
with the Kremps,

Thanksgiving
with Bill Lewis...

Hanukkah
with my parents.

Fourth of July
with the Karps,

Presidents' Day
with that car dealership...

For your information,
stealing a celebration
out of another family's arms

is just the way
I show my holiday spirit.

Well, there's no need
to compete with Bill.

Why? 'Cause nothing
can compete with Christmas?

No, no,
you don't understand.

Oh,
I understand but good.

I don't care how many presents
were under that tree

or how many hams
were glazed...

I will do
whatever I have to do

to keep my babies
home with me
for the holidays.

**

ADULT ADAM:
In that moment,
Barry realized

that he could use
our mom's holiday desperation
to his advantage.

I don't know
if you can compete, Mom.

I mean,
their Christmas was big.

Oh, Mama can go big.

But they had a 20-foot tree,
tons of tinsel,

vats of bread pudding,
life-sized Nutcracker men,

candy cane swords,
an eggnog ice luge,

gum drop pillows,

a working toy shop
with elves,

and an appearance
by the man himself.

Santa?
Not now, Geoffrey!

Yes, Santa.

With all his 47 reindeer.

It was legendary.

Oh, you want legendary?

Erica, Geoff,
get your butts
to the Baderwood market.

I'm gonna need
12 pounds of potatoes

and all the sour cream
you can fit in the car.

Nah.
Yes, ma'am!

I don't know, Mom.
Hanukkah lasts eight nights.

There's no way
you can sustain

that kind of awesomeness
for that long.

Well, buckle up, Schmoo.

The festival of lights
is about to get nasty.

Dude,
what was all that about?

Lainey and Bill
don't even do Christmas.

I know! They eat
beans from a can
like drifters.

Then why'd you get Mom
all riled up?

Think about it.
Hanukkah is
one lame holiday

that drags on
for a whole week.

But imagine if each night
was better than the last.

Oh, my God.
Did you trick
Mom into making

every night of Hanukkah
Christmas morning?

If you put it that way,
it sounds really messed up.

To be clear,
I think it's awesome.

I just wanted to make sure
I knew the plan.

Later, turd.

All right, I am
freshly showered,

and I am ready
to brainstorm.
Go!

Okay, everyone knows
the best part of Die Hard

is that the whole movie
is set in a building, right?

So, I've been thinking
of a ton of locations
to die hard in.

Mmm, I love how
you're thinking inside
of the box here, kid.

What do you got?
Die Hard in a mall.

It's too easy. Next.
Die Hard
in a water park!

It's too wet. Next.
Die Hard
on a moon base.

Boring. Next.
Die Hard in an airport.

Lame. Next.

Die Hard on a bus!

That's the stupidest idea
I've ever heard.

All I got left is
Die Hard in a tree house.

Die Hard
in a tree house?

I don't like it.
You love it?

Oh, man, you ruined
the moment by saying
what I was gonna say.

It just seemed
kinda obvious.

Hey, Mur, if you need us,
we're gonna be
in the basement

working on
our movie pitch.

That sounds fun.

We're gonna shoot
a sizzle reel.

It's a sales tool to help
sell our movie to Hollywood.

Great idea!

Marvin gave me his word
our movie will be seen
up on the big screen.

There ya go.
I have my hopes up
so much!

Absolutely!

POPS: Murray!

Did you hear
that cockamamie scheme?

You gotta shut it down.

Not anymore. I'm done
shutting it down.

But what about Adam?

When Marvin
doesn't come through,
the boy will be crushed.

Yeah.
You got to stop 'em.

Look, it's the holidays.

There's so much
feel-good TV on.

I'll find something fun
and enjoy it.

* Bad boys, bad boys*

ADULT ADAM: Yep, to my dad,
the bad boys of COPS
brought pure holiday joy.

DISPATCH: 83-62.

Got a 10-45,

white male wearing
a striped robe in the ally.

Bring me up to speed,
Andrew.

I'll handle this, Andy.

My crooked landlord
locked me out,

and if he doesn't give me
my keys back,

I am going to take
his Miata!

Murray,
that's your brother!

He's on COPS.
I can see he's on COPS.

Also, there's a...
ANDREW: Hey!

You'll never catch me,
bacon!

I do not consent
to search!

I do not consent
to search!

Get behind!
Aah!

Wait a minute.
I want your badge numbers!

Hey, what's with
the camera crew?

I'm on TV?

POPS:
Marvin's on COPS, Murray.

You gotta shut it down!

I gotta shut it down!
He's on COPS.

ADULT ADAM: And with that,
my dad knew
his vacation was over.

Marvin's on COPS.

ADULT ADAM: Me and my uncle
were ready to hit it big

with Die Hard
in a tree house...

Which meant ripping off
actual Die Hard.

We could totally
do that.
For sure.

Aah!

ADULT ADAM: But jumping off
a tree house was harder
than it looked.

Sorry about your
tree house, man.

Dude, don't be sorry.
I got it all on camera.

Really?

Even the part when I was
dangling from the hose,
and then I split my pants,

and then the tree house
buckled under my weight,

and I fell
and I hit my head?
All of it!

Hey, your mom's only got
the Hanukkah train
for another hour.

So, go get a ride
while you can.

I want to talk
to your uncle.

All right!
The Mur-Man wants
a piece of the action.

Clear the set, kid.

Let the money guys talk.

So, you wanna invest?

You were on COPS.
It aired?

They said
they were gonna tell me!
How did I look?

Like a criminal
because, you know, COPS!

Well, an opportunity
is what you make of it.

You really think COPS
is your big opportunity?

The producers said
that I should call them

any time that
I have an argument
with the police.

That is a Hollywood
connection, Mur.
No!

You're an adult, Marvin.
Why is it always
the same with you?

'Cause I am
always the same!

Every holiday,
I say next year
I'm gonna be better,

but it never changes.

Then it's time to start.
You shut it down.

Do the right thing
and tell Adam the truth.

You're right.

It's time that I stop
depending on you

and take some real
responsibility in my life.

* Whatcha gonna do

* Whatcha gonna do
when they come for you? *

Probably should have
shut it down.

ADULT ADAM: While Marvin
ditched our partnership,

my mom was
luring in the Lewises

with an epic
Night One of Hanukkah,

which included
a Hanukkah tiki hut,

Hanukkah chocolate fountain,
and Hanukkah
champagne tower.

Hot damn.

My accountant friend said
this is a minor holiday.

Guess he was just
yankin' my chain.

Oh, it's nothing.
Honestly, I forgot
it was Hanukkah

till about an hour ago.

Life-changing gift,
anyone?

A '65 Fender
twin reverb amp?

A pitching wedge
with my name on it?

And I got a sensible
leather attache case!
Thanks, Mrs. G.

What can I say?
It's just an average night
of Hanukkah

here at the Goldbergs'.

And it only gets better
from here, Bill!

It gets better?
Infinitely.

It's God's number-one rule.

Every night must be
more awesome than the last.

Uh, right.

If you'll excuse me,
I just need to get
to the mall,

supermarket, bakery, butcher,
and bank before they close.

Hoo-wee!
I cannot wait
for Night Two.

**

Happy Night Two.

ADULT ADAM: Which added
Hanukkah popcorn,

a full
Hanukkah dessert bar,

and Hanukkah
cotton candy?

Hot Hebrew ham,
nothing can beat this.

Nothing except
Night Three.

**

Happy Night Three.

ADULT ADAM: Which now had
Hanukkah snow cones,

Hanukkah pizza buffet,

and I guess
a Hanukkah casino?

Sweet chocolate money,
now this is
the night of all nights.

Sounds like a man
who hasn't seen Night Four.

**

Happy Night Four.

Look, I'm the rich kid
from Silver Spoons!

I don't care
what happens tomorrow night,

there's no way
to top this.

You might think that,
but we're only
halfway through.

I'm just gonna close my eyes
for a minute,
but don't worry.

I can still serve.

My family's Hanukkah sucks.

ADULT ADAM: That night,
my mom burned out on Hanukkah,

and the next day,
I was about to be burned
by my uncle.

Hey, Dad,
have you seen Uncle Marv?

The trailer for Die Hard 2
comes out today.

We were gonna pay
to see Ishtar and then bail.

Yeah, thing is,
he's not gonna call you back.

Uncle Marvin knows
how important this is to me.

He promised
to get our movie idea
onto the big screen.

You'll see.

But say it doesn't happen.

You'll...
You'll still be fine, right?

In that purely
hypothetical situation,

no,
I'll be utterly destroyed.

How about...

I'll take you.
Perfect!

Uncle Marvin
can meet us there.

You can munch on popcorn
and your words.

Popcorn?
That's how they get you.
We'll make our own.

There's no time
to make popcorn.

Well, fine.
I got a refrigerator
full of cantaloupe.

We'll bring that.

You can't bring cantaloupe
into a movie theater!

Of course you can.
Cantaloupe's
the popcorn of fruit.

You can't sit in a theater
and eat a plate of cantaloupe!

Who said anything
about plates?

We're gonna bring a knife
and cut it up nicely
in our laps.

So, now we're cutting
a giant, juicy melon
in the dark?

It's a two-minute trailer!

Fine, princess!
We'll take
the melon baller.

Gives you
two different size balls.

Don't bring the melon.

Uncle Marvin'll
buy me the popcorn.

I'm gonna bring the melon.

**

Kudos.
You've made it through
the festive gauntlet

of the first seven nights.

Your reward?
Night Eight.

I can't wait
for it to begin,

but I don't want it
to end.

I haven't felt this alive
in years!

Hey, look,
it's... Chinese food
and hard candies?

Where's the seven-course,
potato-based feast

and some kind of
motorized dune buggy?

BEVERLY: Oh, so tired.

I'm sorry, Squishy.
Hanukkah broke Mama.

What's going on here?
BARRY: Nothing.

Let's just
go back to your house
for beans and sad Boggle.

Bill, I give up.

Take my boy
and do Christmas.

I don't wanna do
Christmas.

Oh, you have to do
Christmas.

You can't force
Christmas on me,
you monster!

Wait, did you not
tell your mom

we don't
celebrate Christmas?
What?

Funny story
that I'll relay to you all
privately and separately.

So this whole thing
is not normal Hanukkah?

No!

By the eighth night,
I'm giving away socks
and dental floss

and whatever loose mints
I can pick out of my purse.

So, this was just a lie
from Beverly

spurred on
by a lie from Barry?

Kinda.
It's not great.

The only thing
I wanted for the holidays

was to be
part of a family again.

I didn't need gifts
or some big party.

I thought you guys
felt the same way.

**

ADULT ADAM:
After ruining the holidays
for the Lewises,

my mom and Barry
had to come together

to pull off
a Christmas miracle.

Children, I've gathered you
here tonight

because of
a true holiday disaster.

We need to throw
a last-minute Christmas

for people
who hate Christmas

'cause we ruined Hanukkah
for them

after a series
of lies and deceit.

Okay, he's exaggerating,
but yeah, 100% yes.

Wait, are you saying
we get to save Christmas?

I've always wanted
to save Christmas.
Calm down, Geoff.

We haven't heard
how dumb this is.

Okay, I've been listening to
the Christmas radio station
nonstop for five minutes,

and I know exactly

what we need to give
Bill and Lainey.
Really?

It's all right there
in the The Twelve Days
of Christmas song.

Erica, Geoffrey,
write this down.

On it!
No.

First up,
we need a Partridge Family CD.

I think you mean
partridge in a pear...
Buh-bup!

We also need
12 Willis Drummonds,

11 Roddy Pipers,
10 Laineys dancing...

It's "ladies dancing."

Why would Lainey's name
be in a song
from 200 years ago?

That's where this
breaks down for you, Mom?

We also need
nine Cloris Leachmans,
eight maids a-sweeping,

seven Sprites for swigging,
six 6-piece nuggets,

fi-i-i-ve onion rings,

four Larry Birds,
three french fries,

two leather gloves,
and, of course,
a Partridge Family CD.

I'll get the fries, nuggets,
Sprite, and Larry Bird,
I guess!

You focus on the rest.
Move!

Okay,
it's up to you and me.

Oh,
you'll actually help me?

Normally, never,
but you royally screwed
this up for Bill and Lainey,

so what do you need?

Trees, lights, stockings,
nutcrackers, everything.
Let's move!

You do know it's Christmas Eve
and everything's closed.

True.
But the Kremps went skiing,

and I'm supposed to be
taking care of their dog,
Daisy.

So, we're gonna
break into the Kremps',
steal their Christmas,

and then break
into the Lewises'

and give them the Christmas
we just stole?

It's not great.

This whole thing.

It's just,
it's not great.

To be clear, I think it's
awesome. I just wanted to
make sure I knew the plan.

ADULT ADAM:
With that, they were off
to make the holidays right.

And when my uncle
didn't show up
to that theater,

I realized I was wrong
to have trusted him.

Look, your uncle likes to make
a lot of crazy plans,

and usually
I shut him down, but...

Shh! It's starting.

NARRATOR: In this tree house,
high above the backyard,

the last thing
cop Don McShane wants
to be is a hero.

We got hostages
in the tree house.

NARRATOR: But not
everybody gets what
they want for Christmas.

**

Yippee ki yay,
melon farmer.

Oh, my God.
It's my movie.

ADAM: This channel is reserved
for emergency calls only.

Does it sound like
I'm ordering a pizza!?

ADULT ADAM: That day,
I didn't see the trailer
for Die Hard 2.

For the first time ever,
I saw something I wrote
on the big screen,

and my life
changed forever.

And I had one man
to thank for it.

Uncle Marv
totally came through.

He really did.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out,
my dad saw a side
of Uncle Marvin

he'd never seen before,

a side he could trust.

Hey. Marvin, wait up.

It's fine. Don't make
a big thing out of it.

How did you do that?

I realized you were right,
so I came back,

and I bribed the guy
in the projection booth.

Well,
you did a nice thing.

I felt like
I owed it to Adam.

Man, that kid
means the world to me.

Looks like this whole me
not shutting you down thing
worked out okay this year.

You know what?
Maybe it's time for me

to start cleaning up
my own messes.

I think next year,
things are gonna be
different with you.

That's usually my line.

After you tell me
that you don't believe in me.

Yeah, but after the way
you came through this time?

I do believe in you.

ADULT ADAM: Looking back,
that year was filled
with holiday miracles,

and not just for my family.

What's all this?

Little Goldbergs Christmas
for our favorite family.

How did you even
get in here?
Santa has his ways.

Guys, this is beautiful,
but we don't do
this kind of thing.

Well, you do now.

'Cause even though you lost
some family on Christmas,

now you've gained
a whole new one.

**

That sounds nice.

Good.

'Cause now we can make some
new traditions together.

**

ADULT ADAM: Truth is,
every family celebrates
the holidays in their own way.

And while some of those
traditions go back
generations,

the most exciting traditions
are the new ones you form

with the people you love
at your side.

Yippee ki yay,
melon farmer.

ADULT ADAM:
And for me and my family,

our favorite tradition
was sitting together

and watching the greatest
Christmas movie ever.

**

Quick, change the channel.
I'm on TV again.

No way! What show?
It's a hit legal drama.

L.A. Law?

Would you just change
the channel already, man?

ANNOUNCER: What you are
witnessing is real.

The participants
are not actors.

Both parties have agreed
to dismiss their court cases

and have their disputes
settled here...

The People's Court.

Fun fact...

Wapner does not like it
when you bang his gavel.

Huh.

He hates that.