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ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, we were all obsessed with the movie Karate Kid,
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00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:07,239
the tale of a misfit teenager who teams up with Mr. Miyagi
3
00:00:07,241 --> 00:00:09,208
to crane-kick his way to victory.
4
00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:11,210
Wax on. Right.
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00:00:11,212 --> 00:00:12,811
Wax off. Left.
6
00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:14,613
BOTH:
Wax on. Right hand.
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00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:16,248
Wax off. Left hand.
8
00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:17,316
Wax on. Wax off.
9
00:00:17,318 --> 00:00:19,818
Shh. It's hard enough
to hear the old
karate gardener
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00:00:19,820 --> 00:00:21,954
without you two morons
talking over him.
11
00:00:21,956 --> 00:00:23,789
Yep, "Karate Kid" had something for everyone.
12
00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:27,159
Oh, man,
I loved how Daniel-san
beat up all those bullies.
13
00:00:27,161 --> 00:00:30,195
I mean, how many weeks
did he train? Three?
So cool.
14
00:00:30,197 --> 00:00:32,264
I loved the leg sweeping
and face punches.
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00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:36,568
I loved the wise old man
kicking all those kids' butts.
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00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:38,937
He should be arrested,
but he's not.
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00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:39,738
ADULT ADAM:
It even inspired me
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00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:43,008
to write my very own movie-review column in the school newspaper.
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00:00:43,010 --> 00:00:44,243
Reading anything
good there, Taz?
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00:00:44,245 --> 00:00:46,512
Yeah, man, this review of
Karate Kid is fresh.
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00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:50,149
That other Adam Goldberg in
11th grade knows his movies.
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00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:51,216
What? No.
I wrote that.
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00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:53,218
It says here
it's by Adam Goldberg.
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00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:54,119
You're
Adam F. Goldberg.
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00:00:54,121 --> 00:00:59,558
ADULT ADAM: With one missing letter "F," my Karate Kid
journey began.
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00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,193
Oh, balls!
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00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:03,662
You!
Oh, balls!
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00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:08,600
Balls, indeed. There he was, the other Adam Goldberg.
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00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:11,003
Indie, artsy, and my nemesis
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00:01:11,005 --> 00:01:12,571
who had been on my mind a bit lately.
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00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:13,505
There's another
Adam Goldberg.
32
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:14,840
There's another Adam Goldberg
in school.
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00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:16,542
He's in 11th grade.
He's an actor, too.
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00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:18,110
He's got more of
a Jim Jarmusch vibe.
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00:01:18,112 --> 00:01:19,511
He's more of
a multi-hyphenate.
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00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:20,212
He's a loose cannon.
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00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:21,814
He's way more likely
to win an award than me.
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00:01:21,816 --> 00:01:25,150
And he's very mad about
the whole same-name situation.
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00:01:25,152 --> 00:01:26,652
He looks madder
than usual.
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00:01:26,654 --> 00:01:30,389
He really does.
Thanks for having my back,
Taz.
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00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:31,957
We need to talk,
Adam Goldberg.
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00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:34,793
Oh, yeah, sure.
What's on your mind,
other Adam Goldberg?
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00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:38,063
For the record,
you're the other
Adam Goldberg,
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00:01:38,065 --> 00:01:39,098
and you're
ruining my rep.
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00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:41,500
Everyone thinks I wrote
this hacky tripe.
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00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:43,469
It's supposed to say
"Adam F."
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00:01:43,471 --> 00:01:44,970
It's a simple mistake,
really.
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00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:47,372
It's like that time
the nurse gave you my inhaler,
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00:01:47,374 --> 00:01:48,707
even though you don't
have a problem with ragweed.
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00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:52,611
Don't minimize this, bro.
Do you have any idea
how many people
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00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,546
have congratulated me
on this article?
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00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:56,515
Two?
Wow, that's a good guess.
53
00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:59,618
Point is, I'm tired
of the marketplace confusion!
54
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:00,586
You got to change
your name now.
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00:02:00,588 --> 00:02:04,556
I really don't think
people are gonna be confused
by our names, dude.
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00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:06,892
Hey, Goldberg, we're playing
basketball in the gym,
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00:02:06,894 --> 00:02:10,195
and your mother is insisting
you wear a jockstrap
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00:02:10,197 --> 00:02:11,330
so you don't hurt
your yam bag.
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00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:14,199
Ha! He's worried about
his reproductive health.
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00:02:14,201 --> 00:02:17,469
His mom
cares about him!
That's a weakness!
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00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:19,738
You're changing your name.
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00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:20,939
(SIGHS)
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00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:23,375
¶ You're the best around
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00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:25,077
¶ Nothin's gonna ever keep you down ¶
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00:02:25,079 --> 00:02:29,581
ADULT ADAM: It was March 1, 1980-something, and Erica was still obsessing
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00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:32,184
over her first kiss with Geoff Schwartz.
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00:02:32,186 --> 00:02:34,319
Hey.
Can we talk, you know,
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00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:36,288
about that thing that
happened between us
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00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:37,389
with our lips and stuff?
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00:02:37,391 --> 00:02:38,423
I know the thing, Geoff.
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00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:40,626
Well, even though
that thing was
super-awesome,
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00:02:40,628 --> 00:02:42,528
it can't happen again
'cause, like,
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00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:45,297
me and Evy are together.
You get it.
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00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:45,931
Totally.
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00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:48,534
It was a stupid
one-time mistake.
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00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:54,206
A one-time mistake that...
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00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:56,208
we've made every day...
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00:02:56,210 --> 00:02:57,843
for the last three weeks.
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00:02:57,845 --> 00:03:01,880
Right, but this is
the last time.
Starting now.
80
00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:03,815
God!
What is wrong with us?
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00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:04,683
This has to stop!
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00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,285
Does it? It does.
I don't know!
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00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:08,787
Does it, though?
It doesn't!
And you know why?
84
00:03:08,789 --> 00:03:09,922
I'm gonna break up
with Evy today.
85
00:03:09,924 --> 00:03:11,356
Dude, you say that
exact same thing every day,
86
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:13,892
and we always end up hiding
in here while Evy has
volleyball practice.
87
00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:16,161
You'll see. This time,
I won't get scared of her
and wimp out.
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00:03:16,163 --> 00:03:20,799
Well, my lips aren't touching
yours until it's official.
Understood?
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00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:26,138
ADULT ADAM:
As Erica and Geoff were living in denial,
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00:03:26,140 --> 00:03:28,941
I was living in fear about my own name.
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00:03:28,943 --> 00:03:30,709
And so it's with
a heavy heart
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00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,778
I must legally
change my name.
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00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:34,279
Let's take a look
at option one.
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00:03:34,281 --> 00:03:40,118
Examples of this might be
Snake, Blade, or Axel.
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00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,753
Axel Goldberg?
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00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:43,055
Moving on.
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00:03:43,057 --> 00:03:44,423
We have the second option.
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00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:46,391
I can be Adam Kenobi,
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00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:50,429
Adam Balboa,
or Adam "Cobra" Commander.
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00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:51,797
Or there's option three...
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00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:55,300
Pick one of the names
I've carefully crafted
for you.
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00:03:55,302 --> 00:03:57,836
Spazitron Spazzowitz.
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00:03:57,838 --> 00:04:00,105
Nads Asshattington.
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00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:01,740
(CHUCKLES)
Turd Smugglins.
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00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:05,010
No! Who would name
their child Turd
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00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:07,613
if their last name
was Smugglins?
Who?
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00:04:07,615 --> 00:04:11,683
Damn it, you're still going on
about this stupid name thing?
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00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:12,451
Dad's right.
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00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:15,954
Stop running, and fight
for your name and honor.
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00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:18,490
Fight? What fight?
There will be no fight.
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00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:20,892
Stay out of this, Bevy.
I'm gonna deal with it.
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00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:23,562
First, you bop that kid
in the nose.
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00:04:23,564 --> 00:04:25,998
Then you hit him
with a chair.
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00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,132
Why aren't you
writing this down?
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00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:29,301
I think it's easier if I just
peacefully change my name
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00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:33,639
'cause the other Adam Goldberg
is slightly inconvenienced
every so often.
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00:04:33,641 --> 00:04:37,175
No way.
Your name is perfect,
just like you.
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00:04:37,177 --> 00:04:38,610
Mama will take care of this.
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00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,045
Absolutely not.
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00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:41,813
You go tattle-taling
to your mama,
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00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:43,815
it's only gonna
make things worse.
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00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:44,416
Okay, fine.
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00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:48,587
I promise I won't speak
to the other Adam Goldberg
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00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:50,389
at all, in any way.
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00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:53,225
Your mom called my mom
last night, dude.
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00:04:53,227 --> 00:04:54,293
What is wrong with you?
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00:04:54,295 --> 00:04:55,661
Damn it!
She found a loophole.
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00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:57,796
She convinced my mom
that I should go by AJ
129
00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,431
'cause my middle name's
Jacob. AJ.
130
00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:01,033
Relax.
No one's calling you AJ.
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00:05:01,035 --> 00:05:03,602
Hey, everybody,
the pretentious film
nerd's gonna go by AJ
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00:05:03,604 --> 00:05:06,938
so we can tell the
difference between him
and the mainstream film nerd.
133
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:09,775
Your name's
just letters!
You suck, AJ!
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00:05:09,777 --> 00:05:11,843
That's it. I was just gonna
make you change your name,
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00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:13,445
but now I'm gonna beat
the crap out of you
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00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:14,746
and make you
change your name!
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00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:15,714
Let's say you
didn't beat me up,
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00:05:15,716 --> 00:05:19,384
and I became a
Mr. Turd Smugglins.
Would that appeal to you?
139
00:05:19,386 --> 00:05:21,453
No.
Be in the quad at 3:00.
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00:05:21,455 --> 00:05:23,522
ADULT ADAM: While I was forced to face my nemesis,
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00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:26,825
Erica was suddenly feeling bad for hers.
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00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:28,427
Evy, hey.
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00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:29,828
You...okay?
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00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,596
(VOICE BREAKING) I'm fine.
You sure?
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00:05:31,598 --> 00:05:33,598
Something bad didn't
happen to you,
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00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,467
like a paper cut
or a nasty break-up?
147
00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:37,936
I think something's going on
between me and Geoffrey.
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00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:41,473
Geoffrey...
the Toys R' Us giraffe?
149
00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:42,908
Schwartz!
150
00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:46,712
I mean, I know
I can be kind of smothering,
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00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:50,482
but that's only because
I like him so much.
152
00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:52,884
Um, it's gonna be fine.
153
00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:53,985
You'll be fine.
154
00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:56,221
Um, maybe not fine.
155
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:57,923
Life will move on.
156
00:05:57,925 --> 00:06:00,092
Erica,
you told her about us?
157
00:06:00,094 --> 00:06:01,460
Um, no.
158
00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:02,294
What about you guys?
159
00:06:02,296 --> 00:06:04,329
What? No!
Nothing romantic
is going on
160
00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:06,898
while you're at volleyball
practice between
3:30 and 5:00.
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00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:08,700
Stop using
so many specifics, Geoff!
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00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:11,236
All I'm saying is we were
definitely not damaging
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00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:13,004
some wind chimes
in a moment of passion.
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00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:13,939
Geoff!
I'm so sorry!
165
00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:16,074
Anxiety makes me
get extremely detailed!
166
00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:19,378
Well, anger makes me
throw stuff at cheating jerks!
167
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:20,812
Ha!
(LAUGHS)
168
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,547
You got a face full
of orange drink!
169
00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:23,648
It's fun 'cause
you're sticky now!
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00:06:23,650 --> 00:06:27,119
Dear Lord, are you two
always just lurking around
to bag on people?
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00:06:27,121 --> 00:06:30,322
For sure.
It makes me feel better
about myself.
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00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:33,158
Barry!
I never thought
I'd say this,
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00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,594
but I need your street smarts
and karate skills.
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00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:36,962
It's one-stop shopping
with me. Continue.
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00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:40,799
The other Adam Goldberg
says he's gonna beat me
into a pulp after school.
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00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:43,468
You got to save me.
Don't worry, bro.
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00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:45,070
I know just what to do.
178
00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:47,773
As you know, it is strictly
against school policy
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00:06:47,775 --> 00:06:51,176
to allow students to fight
on school property.
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00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:51,910
Oh, thank God.
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00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:54,179
Which is why I'm allowing
your brother here
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00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:57,883
to start an official
after-school karate club.
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00:06:57,885 --> 00:06:59,918
What?
BARRY: Look,
I already signed you up.
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00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,219
I thought you were
going to save me.
185
00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:04,222
I am, by letting
the other Adam Goldberg
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00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:07,025
kick your ass
in a loving, controlled,
187
00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:08,693
school-sanctioned
environment
188
00:07:08,695 --> 00:07:11,329
monitored by our
most lenient teacher.
189
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:13,665
Karate club, huh?
190
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,667
Too afraid to fight me
on the streets?
191
00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:17,869
Yes! I've mentioned that
several times.
192
00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:19,237
Then I'll beat you down
on the mat,
193
00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:21,573
even though we both know
you'll wuss out.
194
00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:21,940
Friday.
195
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:25,544
I'm kicking butts
and taking names.
Literally.
196
00:07:26,447 --> 00:07:27,612
Thanks a lot, Barry.
197
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:30,215
You officially just
signed my death warrant.
198
00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:32,884
Chill out. I got a plan.
199
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:38,356
The time has come
for you to meet my sensei.
200
00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:41,526
What the hell?
Is it Thanksgiving
already?
201
00:07:41,528 --> 00:07:43,995
No. You've got
a new student.
202
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,831
Uncle Marvin is your sensei?
203
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:50,035
Hai! Will you train
the lazy-eyed one, master?
204
00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:50,702
Hai.
205
00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:51,803
But be forewarned,
Adam-san.
206
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:53,638
You must always keep
your focus sharp.
207
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,807
You must not give in
to distractions.
208
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,609
And if anyone should walk
in here and say,
209
00:07:57,611 --> 00:08:00,245
"Get out of my apartment,"
what do we say, Barry-san?
210
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:01,847
I've got squatters rights.
211
00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:03,615
Excellent, my pupil.
Excellent.
212
00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:07,018
ADULT ADAM:
I always knew my crazy uncle was a man of many talents,
213
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:09,821
but I never realized until that very moment
214
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,556
that karate was one of them.
215
00:08:11,558 --> 00:08:12,824
Soap the counter.
216
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,260
Rinse the counter.
Hai!
217
00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:16,528
ADULT ADAM:
And just like Mr. Miyagi,
218
00:08:16,530 --> 00:08:20,532
he used household chores to teach me the art of karate.
219
00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:22,400
Wash the dishes! Hai!
220
00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:24,469
Scrape out that freezer!
221
00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:26,404
Give me that juice!
222
00:08:26,406 --> 00:08:27,772
(GRUMBLES)
223
00:08:27,774 --> 00:08:29,808
Cheese my quesadilla!
224
00:08:29,810 --> 00:08:30,375
(GRUMBLES)
225
00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:33,311
Look in the neighbor's
trash for cans!
226
00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:34,579
Good!
227
00:08:34,581 --> 00:08:35,514
Good!
228
00:08:35,516 --> 00:08:38,216
Shred my eight-year-old
tax returns!
229
00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:39,751
Hai!
230
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:41,019
Hai!
231
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,020
Take this old TV
to the curb!
232
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:45,223
ADULT ADAM:
Yes, I was becoming a martial-arts master.
233
00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:47,759
I'm learning
so much karate.
Hai!
234
00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:50,462
ADULT ADAM: At least that's what he told me.
235
00:08:51,164 --> 00:08:54,766
ADULT ADAM:
Thanks to Uncle Marvin, I was almost ready for battle.
236
00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:55,700
I just needed permission.
237
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:58,703
I need you to sign
my permission slip
for the Karate Club.
238
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:02,007
I shall face my enemy
in open combat.
239
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:02,841
Look at you.
240
00:09:02,843 --> 00:09:04,776
Finally listening
to your old man, huh?
241
00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:06,111
No, your stuff
was useless.
242
00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:08,380
I'm being trained
by the most deadly
243
00:09:08,382 --> 00:09:10,749
martial-arts sensei
in town.
244
00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:11,750
Observe.
245
00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:13,919
Wah!
Spray TV.
246
00:09:13,921 --> 00:09:15,453
Wipe TV.
247
00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:17,789
Spray TV.
Wipe TV.
248
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,791
I don't know
what the hell that was,
249
00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:22,761
but good for you
for defending yourself
250
00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:24,396
and for cleaning my TV.
251
00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:26,631
Stay still, Lucky.
Thank you. There we go.
252
00:09:26,633 --> 00:09:28,466
ADULT ADAM: I was officially ready for battle.
253
00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:31,336
Meanwhile, Erica and Geoff were finally official.
254
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:32,604
So you guys
must feel great
255
00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:34,472
not having to hide
your love anymore.
256
00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:35,840
Yeah, it's, like,
the best.
257
00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:40,045
Yeah, you know,
except for... that.
258
00:09:41,648 --> 00:09:44,015
Look at her.
She is a crazy person.
259
00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:46,518
Seriously.
She's gone
full Zabka on us.
260
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:47,552
Gone what?
Billy Zabka?
261
00:09:47,554 --> 00:09:49,254
The dude who played
the bad guy in Karate Kid.
262
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:52,257
He got dumped
by Elisabeth Shue
and couldn't get over it.
263
00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:54,459
Not taking sides,
but it really seems like
264
00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:56,461
you guys are the Zabka
in this situation.
265
00:09:56,463 --> 00:09:58,663
Yeah, you're clearly
the bad guys.
Mmm-hmm.
266
00:09:58,665 --> 00:10:00,966
Us? Come on, man.
How can you even say that?
267
00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:02,500
There's no way
that we're the Zabkas.
268
00:10:02,502 --> 00:10:05,170
ADULT ADAM: Wrong. That night, Geoff went home
269
00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:06,371
and watched a movie marathon.
270
00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:08,940
We're totally the Zabkas.
Okay, what is happening?
271
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,475
I just watched
every Zabka movie.
272
00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:12,777
Karate Kid.
Zabka snap-kicks Daniel,
273
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:14,346
who was just handing Ali
back her radio.
274
00:10:14,348 --> 00:10:17,349
Back to School.
Zabka punches
Rodney Dangerfield.
275
00:10:17,351 --> 00:10:18,617
He punches an old man
in the face.
276
00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:21,586
Just One of the Guys.
Zabka throws a girl
in the ocean.
277
00:10:21,588 --> 00:10:23,555
She was just trying
to succeed as a photographer.
278
00:10:23,557 --> 00:10:26,024
Hey! Terry lied to everybody
about who she was,
279
00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:28,193
until she told him the truth
with her boobs.
280
00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:30,095
I'm Geoff Schwartz, man.
I can't be the Zabka.
281
00:10:30,097 --> 00:10:34,099
I'm the sweet, lovable,
girl-next-door type.
I'm the Elisabeth Shue.
282
00:10:34,101 --> 00:10:35,800
Well, I am not
the Zabka here.
283
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:38,403
Whoa! Are you saying
I'm the solo Zabka here?
284
00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:39,137
Evy is your girlfriend.
285
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:42,240
You said you were
going to break up with her,
but you didn't.
286
00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:42,707
Total Zabka move.
287
00:10:42,709 --> 00:10:45,677
Okay, you're being
a major Zabka right now,
and I don't like it.
288
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:48,246
Don't you call me
a Zabka, Zabka!
289
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:50,315
Ha! Only a Zabka
would call a Zabka a Zabka!
290
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:54,486
Well, if I'm such
a freaking Zabka,
then get out, you Zabka!
291
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:58,223
We're still gonna make out
in your brother's
tree house later, right?
292
00:10:58,225 --> 00:11:00,058
Obviously!
We're such Zabkas!
293
00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:01,559
I know!
294
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:02,827
Listen up.
295
00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:06,097
The next phase of our training
begins tomorrow.
296
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:08,133
You will power-wash
the driveway,
297
00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:09,601
like a true Shinobi warrior.
298
00:11:09,603 --> 00:11:11,670
Um, I can't wait
till tomorrow.
299
00:11:11,672 --> 00:11:14,739
(CHUCKLES)
I'd rather not wait,
either, grasshopper,
300
00:11:14,741 --> 00:11:16,341
but I have to rent
the power washer
301
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:18,343
from the hardware store.
It's a whole thing.
302
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:20,045
No, I have
the tournament tomorrow.
303
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:21,179
The tournament...
hai... the what?
304
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:23,448
Tomorrow's the big day
where Adam squares off
305
00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:26,551
against his same-name nemesis,
his namesis.
306
00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:27,318
Wait a minute,
are you telling me
307
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,854
that someone's gonna
put their hands on you
for real-skis?
308
00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:30,488
Fear not, Sensei.
309
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:33,858
Once you show me
how the chores
become karate moves,
310
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:35,226
I shall not fail.
311
00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:36,795
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
312
00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:37,729
Okay, here's the deal.
313
00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:42,767
Um, technically,
I'm not so much
of a karate expert
314
00:11:42,769 --> 00:11:45,537
as I am a guy
whose housekeeper quit
315
00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:49,574
because he tried
to pay her with "massage."
316
00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:50,108
Oh, my God.
317
00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:53,111
(EXCLAIMS) What are you
saying right now?
318
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:55,914
All we've done is clean
this slob's apartment!
319
00:11:55,916 --> 00:12:00,185
I must unleash my anger
through karate!
320
00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:02,420
Oh, God. (SOBBING)
321
00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:06,124
This is all I know.
What am I?
322
00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:10,128
Uncle Marvin, I have a battle
to the death tomorrow.
323
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:11,029
What am I going to do?
324
00:12:11,031 --> 00:12:14,032
Okay, okay, okay.
I still can teach you
one technique.
325
00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:16,968
It's called duck
and curl up into a ball.
326
00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:18,169
Watch and learn.
327
00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:21,172
(WHIMPERING)
328
00:12:21,475 --> 00:12:22,440
Ah-ha!
329
00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:23,875
I just figured it out.
330
00:12:23,877 --> 00:12:25,877
You're trying
to shake my faith.
331
00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:27,412
This is all a test.
332
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:27,879
It is?
333
00:12:27,881 --> 00:12:30,915
Of course I'm a 10th degree
black belt.
334
00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:31,583
I have to be.
335
00:12:31,585 --> 00:12:34,252
Otherwise,
reality as I know it
would implode,
336
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:38,556
and I'd find myself
in a deep darkness
and never fully recover.
337
00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:39,524
Oh, man.
338
00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:40,458
Back to training!
339
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:41,292
ADULT ADAM:
My fate was sealed.
340
00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:45,230
But little did I know, there was a warrior still out there fighting for me.
341
00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:47,332
I demand you shut down
the Karate Club.
342
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:49,200
Woof!
You're awfully worked up.
343
00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:51,136
Must be a handful
at home, huh?
344
00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:52,670
You think?
You do realize
345
00:12:52,672 --> 00:12:54,305
Adam shouldn't even be
in this club?
346
00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:57,842
You know, there's gonna be
teachers and mats
and referees.
347
00:12:57,844 --> 00:13:02,947
This is literally
the easiest way for Adam
to take on a bully.
348
00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:05,016
Well, then,
you leave me no choice.
349
00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:06,584
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS)
350
00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:10,355
I am entering
the karate tournament.
351
00:13:10,357 --> 00:13:13,057
(MUSIC DIES)
No, you're an adult.
352
00:13:13,059 --> 00:13:14,759
Oh, yeah, that's right.
353
00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:16,060
(BLEEP)
354
00:13:16,062 --> 00:13:19,764
ADULT ADAM:
But Mrs. Mom-yagi had one more move up her sleeve.
355
00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:21,733
Thanks to her, I'd fight someone
356
00:13:21,735 --> 00:13:25,003
she could easily bend to her will.
357
00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:29,340
Welcome to the Huntington
All Valley Karate Club!
358
00:13:29,342 --> 00:13:30,942
(CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
359
00:13:32,379 --> 00:13:38,416
First match,
Adam F. Goldberg
vs. Big Tasty.
360
00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:42,187
I don't remember
arranging that,
but it's on the big board,
361
00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:43,855
so let's do this!
362
00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:44,856
(CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
363
00:13:44,858 --> 00:13:47,525
Mama, did you do this
wonderful thing for me?
364
00:13:47,527 --> 00:13:49,794
I'm always
on your side, boopie.
365
00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:51,095
(CHUCKLES)
366
00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:53,431
Take him out.
367
00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:54,899
Are you telling me
to sweep the leg?
368
00:13:54,901 --> 00:13:57,335
If he wins, he has to face
the other Adam Goldberg.
369
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,237
I want my schmoo
out of commission.
370
00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:00,939
But then
I'll get disqualified.
371
00:14:00,941 --> 00:14:03,408
Show no mercy.
372
00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:06,010
You hear me?
Sweep the leg.
373
00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:08,146
Wait, why did Mom yell,
"Sweep the leg"?
374
00:14:08,148 --> 00:14:09,914
Eh, no reason.
Sweep the leggy.
375
00:14:09,916 --> 00:14:10,882
Are you gonna
sweep my leg?
376
00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:12,650
Eh.
Sweep the leggy, sweetie.
377
00:14:12,652 --> 00:14:14,319
You are!
You're gonna sweep my leg!
378
00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:15,253
Sweep the leggy!
379
00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:15,787
Do not sweep the leg!
380
00:14:15,789 --> 00:14:19,524
ADULT ADAM: There was no way Barry would listen to my mom and sweep the leg.
381
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:20,358
Leg sweep!
Ooh!
382
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:24,329
ADULT ADAM:
Balls! He swept my leg! He swept it but good!
383
00:14:24,331 --> 00:14:24,963
Oh!
384
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:28,233
Disqualification!
Adam F. advances
to fight the other one,
385
00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:30,134
if he can ever walk again.
386
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:31,803
(GROANS)
387
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:36,374
(GROANS) He did it!
He swept my leg!
388
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:37,675
How could you
let this happen?
389
00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:39,677
I'm sorry.
I had a brilliant plan
390
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:40,745
to get you
a little bit hurt
391
00:14:40,747 --> 00:14:42,780
so you wouldn't have
to fight the other Adam
392
00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:43,982
and get very hurt.
393
00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:45,917
That is so...
394
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:47,986
Genius!
395
00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:49,954
I'm gonna hug your body!
396
00:14:49,956 --> 00:14:51,155
(GASPS) Hug it.
397
00:14:51,157 --> 00:14:53,124
Hey, your leg's better.
398
00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:54,259
Yeah, it was just a kick.
399
00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:55,827
Barry usually
hurts me way worse.
400
00:14:55,829 --> 00:14:56,995
Yesterday he threw me
out of a tree.
401
00:14:56,997 --> 00:15:00,131
Okay, well, this, uh,
faking your way
out of this fight,
402
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,466
it'll be our
little secret.
403
00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:02,634
Shh. It's Dad.
404
00:15:02,636 --> 00:15:04,669
Hey, Dad. Bad news.
405
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:06,804
Got my leg swept.
406
00:15:06,806 --> 00:15:07,171
Fight's off.
407
00:15:07,173 --> 00:15:10,108
But thanks for finally coming
to one of my school things.
408
00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:10,975
Looks fine to me.
409
00:15:10,977 --> 00:15:12,644
Well, let's not
dig too deep.
410
00:15:12,646 --> 00:15:14,579
The point is
my baby is safe.
411
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,848
Listen, I want to
tell you a story.
412
00:15:16,850 --> 00:15:17,949
Forget it!
I don't want to hear
413
00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:20,118
how you bopped a bully
in the nose!
414
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,553
Adam, I was the bully.
415
00:15:22,555 --> 00:15:26,224
I was an unhappy kid,
and I took it out
on other people.
416
00:15:26,226 --> 00:15:27,792
And you know
when I stopped?
417
00:15:27,794 --> 00:15:32,330
When a kid
was brave enough
to bop me back.
418
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:35,566
I thought you could be
that kid.
419
00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:36,701
I guess I was wrong.
420
00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:37,368
¶ Tonight it's very clear
421
00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:40,004
ADULT ADAM: In that moment, my dad made me realize
422
00:15:40,006 --> 00:15:41,172
I could no longer run and hide.
423
00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:42,240
¶ 'Cause we're both lying here...
424
00:15:42,242 --> 00:15:46,044
And that day, my sister realized she couldn't hide the truth.
425
00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:49,247
She knew in her heart she didn't want to be the bad guy.
426
00:15:49,249 --> 00:15:54,419
As hard as it was, she did the one thing she thought she never would.
427
00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:57,221
I can't believe
this is happening.
428
00:15:58,959 --> 00:16:00,058
I'm sorry, Geoff.
429
00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:03,127
I thought being with you was
the only thing that mattered,
430
00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:04,662
but now I'm not so sure.
431
00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:07,165
But we're supposed
to be together.
432
00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:08,199
Not this way.
433
00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:12,437
We don't want to
start our relationship
by hurting someone else.
434
00:16:12,439 --> 00:16:13,404
Then when?
435
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:15,473
Not until it feels right.
436
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,809
(SIGHS) I'm such an idiot.
437
00:16:17,911 --> 00:16:19,510
I've known you for 10 years,
438
00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:21,779
and the timing
has never been right.
439
00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:23,181
Someday.
440
00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:24,615
Hopefully.
441
00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:26,150
Hopefully.
442
00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:28,720
¶¶
443
00:16:28,722 --> 00:16:33,458
¶ I am a man who will fight for your honor...
444
00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:34,959
Where are you going?
445
00:16:35,261 --> 00:16:36,427
Dad was right.
446
00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:37,695
It's time to stop running
447
00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:40,365
and face the other
Adam Goldberg
once and for all.
448
00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:42,567
But you can't.
You have a slight limp.
449
00:16:42,569 --> 00:16:46,137
If Daniel-san can fight
with a messed-up leg,
so can I!
450
00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:50,108
Daniel-san also had
his sensei by his side.
451
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:51,275
And so shall you.
452
00:16:51,277 --> 00:16:52,276
Uncle Marvin, you came!
453
00:16:52,278 --> 00:16:56,381
I wasn't about to abandon
my star pupil in his time
of need.
454
00:16:56,383 --> 00:17:01,119
Also, Bevy,
I need to borrow $8,300.
455
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:02,086
More on that later.
456
00:17:02,088 --> 00:17:04,022
Let's focus on that leg.
457
00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:05,556
(HUMMING)
458
00:17:05,558 --> 00:17:08,359
He's gonna use
the ancient wisdom of
the Orient to save me.
459
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:12,730
What? Oh, no, I was just
trying to think of a way
for you to win this thing.
460
00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:13,931
(HUMMING)
461
00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:15,600
I got nothing.
You're a dead man.
462
00:17:15,602 --> 00:17:16,267
BEVERLY: Out of my way.
463
00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:20,338
Look, Schmoo, all I ever
wanted to do was protect you,
464
00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:22,073
but maybe this time,
465
00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:24,142
protecting you actually
hurts you in the end.
466
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:26,577
Does that mean you're okay
with Karate Club?
467
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:27,512
Oh, God, no.
468
00:17:27,514 --> 00:17:30,248
I'll never stop
worrying about you.
469
00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:31,916
But this is your battle.
470
00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:33,551
And if you need to
fight for your honor,
471
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:36,187
then you fight with
everything you've got.
472
00:17:36,322 --> 00:17:36,687
I will, Mama.
473
00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:40,458
(VOICE BREAKING)
Now go be a man,
my delicious little baby boy.
474
00:17:41,127 --> 00:17:47,131
¶ I am a man who will fight for your honor ¶
475
00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:50,701
Last chance to give up,
Gold Nerd. Ha!
476
00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:52,470
Know what, other Adam?
477
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:53,905
I've had enough of this!
478
00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:56,974
Who cares about
marketplace confusion?
479
00:17:56,976 --> 00:17:58,342
We're not that important!
480
00:17:58,344 --> 00:18:02,013
No one gives a crap
about us but us!
481
00:18:02,015 --> 00:18:02,480
Let's do this!
482
00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:05,616
ADULT ADAM:
Yep, it was time to go get my ass kicked
483
00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:06,984
in front of everyone.
484
00:18:06,986 --> 00:18:08,553
Yeah, here's the thing.
485
00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:11,422
I technically don't know
how to, uh...
486
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:12,790
(MUSIC DIES)
...fight.
487
00:18:12,792 --> 00:18:14,892
What?
But you said you did.
488
00:18:14,894 --> 00:18:16,194
It's called acting, bro.
489
00:18:16,196 --> 00:18:17,462
I was certain
you'd wuss out.
490
00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:19,330
Really bit me
in the ass here.
491
00:18:19,332 --> 00:18:19,797
This is horrible!
492
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:22,100
We're gonna embarrass
ourselves in front
of the whole school.
493
00:18:22,102 --> 00:18:25,136
I know. It's like a nightmare
version of Karate Kid.
494
00:18:25,138 --> 00:18:26,571
Wait, you saw the movie?
495
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:27,972
I thought you hate
big studio fare?
496
00:18:27,974 --> 00:18:30,675
Eh, after I read your review,
I gave it a shot.
497
00:18:30,677 --> 00:18:31,375
You're an okay writer.
498
00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:34,545
Not good enough for books.
Maybe sitcoms or something.
499
00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:35,179
Thanks.
500
00:18:35,181 --> 00:18:38,649
Look, I... I really am sorry
about all the confusion.
501
00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:42,120
Truth is, I'm a huge fan
of your work.
502
00:18:42,122 --> 00:18:44,055
I've always
looked up to you.
503
00:18:44,190 --> 00:18:47,391
I just want to be friends.
504
00:18:47,393 --> 00:18:48,493
Cool.
505
00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:49,627
None of this changes the fact
506
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,195
that we're about
to bomb out there.
507
00:18:51,197 --> 00:18:53,431
Wait a minute,
we both do school theater,
508
00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:56,868
we both know stage combat,
and we both know Karate Kid.
509
00:18:56,870 --> 00:18:58,136
So?
So what do you say
510
00:18:58,138 --> 00:19:01,772
we go out there and give
those people a real show?
511
00:19:01,774 --> 00:19:03,808
It's showtime!
512
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:06,344
I mean, aah!
Aah!
513
00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:07,078
Hyah!
Aah!
514
00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:10,281
All right, the moment
we've been waiting for.
515
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:13,417
Due to injury,
the winner by default...
516
00:19:13,419 --> 00:19:15,786
(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)
517
00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:17,688
Adam Goldberg's
gonna fight?
518
00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:19,924
Adam Goldberg
is gonna fight!
519
00:19:19,926 --> 00:19:21,626
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
520
00:19:21,628 --> 00:19:25,029
(JOE ESPOSITO'S
YOU'RE THE BEST PLAYS)
521
00:19:25,031 --> 00:19:27,865
¶ Try to be best 'Cause you're only a man...
522
00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:30,268
Take your bows.
Fight!
523
00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:32,570
ADULT ADAM: And so the other Adam Goldberg and I
524
00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:36,040
acted out the final scene of Karate Kid perfectly.
525
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:37,141
Hyah!
526
00:19:37,143 --> 00:19:38,943
(CROWD GROANS)
527
00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:40,978
Fight!
528
00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:42,780
Hyah!
529
00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:43,247
Aah!
(GRUNTS)
530
00:19:43,249 --> 00:19:48,219
It was an epic performance filled with fake punches and flying kicks.
531
00:19:49,255 --> 00:19:50,855
And it was awesome.
532
00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:53,558
¶ You're the best around...
533
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,092
I'm okay. I'm okay.
534
00:19:56,162 --> 00:19:57,528
Hyah!
535
00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,197
Aah!
536
00:19:59,365 --> 00:20:01,632
(CROWD JEERING)
537
00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:06,170
Put him in a boy bag, Adam!
Which Adam?
538
00:20:06,172 --> 00:20:07,705
Uh, either one.
539
00:20:08,675 --> 00:20:10,474
You ready
for your big finale?
540
00:20:10,476 --> 00:20:11,943
Our finale.
541
00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:14,545
Fight.
542
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,148
Here it comes.
543
00:20:17,150 --> 00:20:17,782
No way.
544
00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:20,718
Double crane kick?
It can't be done.
545
00:20:22,622 --> 00:20:23,721
Ohh!
546
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:24,889
(CROWD GASPS)
547
00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:25,923
That's a tie.
548
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:28,259
Both nerds get
to keep their name.
549
00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:29,961
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
550
00:20:29,963 --> 00:20:32,029
¶ You're the best around
551
00:20:32,031 --> 00:20:34,699
¶ Nothin's gonna ever keep you down
552
00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:36,734
¶ You're the best around
553
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:39,437
¶ Nothin's gonna ever keep you down
554
00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:41,239
¶ You're the best around
555
00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:43,374
¶ Nothin's gonna ever keep you down ¶
556
00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:45,876
He learned that move
from me.
557
00:20:45,878 --> 00:20:48,012
¶¶
558
00:20:48,948 --> 00:20:51,549
Hyah!
Oh, no! Don't hurt me!
559
00:20:51,551 --> 00:20:52,283
Ow!
560
00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:54,652
He's coming in with
a right and a left.
561
00:20:54,654 --> 00:20:58,556
MAN: Stop it, Barry.
You almost broke that light!
562
00:20:59,959 --> 00:21:02,159
Wow, we're in
a real karate class.
563
00:21:02,161 --> 00:21:03,794
This is gonna be
so much fun.
564
00:21:03,796 --> 00:21:06,097
I hear the sensei's
a really good guy.
565
00:21:06,099 --> 00:21:08,799
Love exists in this dojo,
doesn't it?
566
00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:10,034
ALL: Yes, master!
567
00:21:10,036 --> 00:21:13,237
Kindness exists
in this dojo, doesn't it?
568
00:21:13,239 --> 00:21:14,238
ALL: Yes, master!
569
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:17,908
Everyone is a special winner
in this dojo, aren't they?
570
00:21:17,910 --> 00:21:19,310
ALL: Yes, master.
571
00:21:19,312 --> 00:21:20,278
And what do we study here?
572
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,414
ALL: Hug first, hug hard,
show mercy.
573
00:21:23,416 --> 00:21:25,182
Hey, you're
the best around.
574
00:21:25,184 --> 00:21:27,652
Nothing's gonna
ever keep you down.
575
00:21:27,654 --> 00:21:29,220
(BOTH LAUGH)
576
00:21:29,222 --> 00:21:30,688
(GRUNTS)
49733
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