All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S04E11.O.Captain.My.Captain.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-ViSUM_track1_[eng]

ADULT ADAM:
Ah, the teachers of our youth.

They pushed us,
inspired our minds,

and made us who we are today.

And when those great teachers
got sick,

my mom stepped in to be a sub.

Bonjour,
my little French fries.

By the time
I'm done with you,

you're going
to be eating snails,

not taking baths,

and enjoying the silent art
of mime.

(LAUGHS)
ADULT ADAM: Like most
substitute teachers,

she didn't know very much.

They're a weird people,
hmm?

Then one day,
everything changed.

My mom saw the movie
Dead Poets Society.

O Captain!
My Captain!

YOUNG MAN: O Captain!
My Captain!

When Robin Williams inspired
those stuffy rich kids

to stand on their desks,

my mom saw her true calling.

Who knew Mork from Ork
had such a serious side?

This movie proves
that a sub

is the most important person
in a child's life.

Come Monday, that's just
what I'm gonna do...

inspire my kids.

You mean, your students
or your actual kids?

Both.
It's a win-win.

I'm sure
they'll see it that way.

MAN: Hey, shut up!
You shut up!

Good morning, class.

Uh, before we get started,
does anyone need to make?

Hmm? Anyone?

There's gonna be
a lot of learning today,

so if you got to make,
do it now.

Anyone got
to make poo-poos?

Stop!

No one has to make!
Moving on.

All right,
according to this memo
from Principal Ball,

Mr. Gluckman has been checked
into a rehab facility

to address his relationship
with c'caine.

"Please tell the students
he has the flu."

Okay.
Mr. Gluckman has the flu.

(CHUCKLES)

I'll be your sub
for the next 30 days.

Sweet!
A sub!

We get to waste a whole month
of critical learning

that'll put us behind
for years to come!

No, JTP!
History has proven

my mom turns awesome things
to garbage!

Aw, who's that
handsome fella?

Is he single?

This is a nightmare.

Question.
Who here is familiar

with the film
Dead Poets Society?

Chill, dude.
Your mom's gonna
show us a movie.

It's a classic
sub move.

Oh, we're not watching it.

We're living it!

Oh, no.
Barry's right.

In fact,
I need a volunteer

chosen
completely at random

to come stand on my desk

and view the world
from a new perspective.

Oh, no!
She wants us to learn
by standing on furniture?

ADULT ADAM: Standing on a desk
was how Robin Williams
inspired his students.

Unfortunately, not everyone
liked to see things

from a different angle.

Whoa, whoa!

There's no climbing
in school!

Unless it's on a rope

hung dangerously from
the rafters of the gymnasium.

Dude, the hot sub
told us to do it.

Are you crazy?
What do you think
you're doing?

(LAUGHING) Ho!
Look, everyone!

It's the stuffy administration
coming to clip my wings!

No!
For the past 30 years,

Mr. Gluckman has sloshed
corrosive chemicals

all over that old desk.

It's falling apart.
I fear nothing.

Like any great teacher,
I encourage my students

to seize the day!
(CREAKING)

Aah!

� I'm twisted up inside

� But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

� I don't know the future

� But the past keeps getting
clearer every day �

ADULT ADAM:
It was January 4,
1980-something...

the day a single text message
rocked my world.

Yo.

Get this note
to Goldnerd for me.

ADULT ADAM:
Yep, back in the '80s,

this was our version
of sending a text.

You'd have to pass a note the
old-fashioned way, by hand.

Only problem was,
your messages weren't
password-protected.

Mr. Goldberg,
since that little paper

is more important
than life-saving CPR,

maybe you'd like to stand
and share it
with the rest of us.

"Ballsssss."

To be clear...

I did not write this.

"Dude, when did Emmy Mirsky
get so dang foxy?

"I mean,
holy boobs, Batman!
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

"Look at those
sweatshirt puppies."

Again,
I did not write this.

Oh, that sucked.

My intention was to teach you
a lesson about note-passing,

but instead, I just made us
all feel wildly uncomfortable.

(CHUCKLES) Let's just
move on to Chapter 6, okay?

Female reproductive...
Nope.

Class dismissed.

Next time you get caught
with a note,

just do what
a normal person does
and eat it.

Dude,
you can't eat paper.

My mom says
it plugs up your bottom.

Small price to pay
to avoid total humiliation.

I know, right?

I had to stand up
in front of everyone

and talk about
my best friend's,
you know, stuff.

Wait.

You thought that note
was embarrassing for you?

Well, who else
would it embarrass?

Me!
Why?

The note said
you were hot.

You should be happy
about it.

Are you serious
right now?

Dork!

Boy, you really know
your way

around relationships
with human beings.

I agree I'm flawed,

but I honestly have no idea
what I said wrong here.

Okay, I'm gonna
shed some light

on what it's like
to be a freshman girl,

and it ain't gonna
be pretty.

The seniors called me
"Frizzica Spazzberg."

Every 9th-grade girl,
no matter how she looks,

feels uncomfortable
in her own skin.

There's a hunk of lettuce
in your braces.

How did you not feel it?

I was going through
a salad phase!

My point is,
Emmy just needs a friend

who understands
how she feels.

Seriously, though,

there's like a whole head
of romaine in there.

I am gonna give you one second
to walk away.

One!

ADULT ADAM: As I was learning
how to be a better friend,

my mom was teaching Barry
how to be a better student.

I don't understand!

This is my house,
not my school.

Now that I have the teaching
tools I learned in a movie,

I will not rest until
you get an "A" in this class.

Okay, now,
the atomic symbol "C"

stands for what?

Chemistry!
Carbon.

It stands for Carbon.

But it also stands
for chemistry,
so half a point?

Okay. Name three types
of inert gases.

Easy. There's
regular, unleaded,

and...farts?

Farts?
Farts.

The answer is not farts!

How is fart not a gas?

Science makes no sense,
and I don't need it!

Especially 'cause I'm gonna
marry Kathy Ireland.

Who?
Supermodel
Kathy Ireland.

I'm gonna be
her lazy mooch of a husband

who lives in her mansion
in Ireland!

Now,
if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go brush up
on my Irish culture

and (BAD IRISH ACCENT)
find me gold at the
end of the rainbow, mon.

Well, that accent
was definitely Jamaican.

Boopie, don't give up!

Mama believes in you!

Question. Why?

You're a substitute teacher.

Just give the boy
a damn "A" already.

You want me to cheat?

Of course I do.

We got to get that moron
into some sort of college.

Can you believe this,
Dad?

He thinks Barry
can't do it.

His answer was "farts."

Okay, you really want him
to buckle down?

Let me go upstairs
and get his ass in gear.

By yelling at him
and calling him a moron?

No way.
That doesn't work.

Barry needs inspiration.

All I need to do
is unlock his potential,

and then
the sky's the limit.

His many limits
are the limit.

His answer was "farts."

ADULT ADAM: That day,
I was also on a mission

to prove to Emmy
I felt her pain.

All right,
hormonal disasters!

It's time to pick teams!

Shirts, Skins,
Shirts, Skins,

Shirts, Skins...
Okay, so why exactly
did we cut math

to sit in on some
random gym class?

What you're witnessing

is a barbaric practice
known as "Shirts vs. Skins."

Nothing is worse than
having to awkwardly disrobe

in front of your bros.

You got to be kidding me.

I know! I mean,
why not shorts vs. pants?

Or red shirts
vs. blue shirts?

Sure, it would take some
planning the night before,

but I could get
a phone tree going.

I mean,
we are not the same.

Do you wear thick,
baggy-ass clothes

when it's 90 degrees out
to hide your body?

I thought you wear that
'cause you love Epcot.

I've never even
been there!

Why would I love it?

'Cause it's like taking
a trip around the world

without leaving
the safe confines
of Orlando?

Being a Skin in gym

is nothing compared
to being stared at all day.

Well, if you
think about it,

my thing's
actually way worse

'cause at least you
get to cover up with
bulky fabrics.

I get no fabrics!
None!

You're a douche lord!

Hey, Bar, how's studying
with Mom going?

Rad as all get-out.

Only took two minutes
to finish all of my homework.

She's really teaching you
science stuff?

Let's just say Mom is gonna be
very pleased with my answers.

(CHUCKLES)
Pops, give us a taste.

Question one.

"What is the chemical symbol
for sodium?"

And my answer?

"My mommy
is the best mommy ever

"of all mommies
on Planet Mommy."

Nailed it!

What the hell are you doing,
you moron?

Just giving the lady

the answers
she always wanted to hear.

Pops, what's the atomic weight
of chloride?

"Wittle Barry-wary
like Mummy's snuggy-wuggies."

Okay, this is just nonsense.

ADULT ADAM: And with that,
my dad knew it was time

to inspire Barry
in his own way.

Look,
I hate to tell you this,

but your mom is looking
for any excuse to fail you.

What? Why?

Mom telling you to study
is just a trick,

because she knows
you never do what she says.

I do don't do that!

She really wants you to fail
so you don't graduate.

And no college means
you live here forever.

And that means
she picks out your clothes

for the rest of your life.

But I want Kathy Ireland

to pick out my clothes
for the rest of my life.

Well, I hope she enjoys
sharing a family bathroom.

No! She likes sushi
and smoothies and Malibu!

I don't know
what to tell you.
Mom will not control me.

I will learn all chemistry...

No, all science!

Mom says you won't.
Oh, I will.

Time for me to tear off
this plastic shrink-wrap

and get to learning.

But the year is half-over.

And that, my friend,
is how you truly
inspire a kid.

All you did was use his mother
as a weapon to rile him up.

I do it all the time.

It's how I got Erica
to learn piano,

Adam to ice skate.

I just tell them
that their mom is
holding them back.

You do know that
if Bev finds out about this,

she'll never forgive you.

No doubt.

Aw, screw it.
You did what you had to do.

ADULT ADAM: It had been days
since Emmy talked to me,

so I decided to
recruit someone who
spoke her language.

Okay, before you
throw a hard object at me
and say "Get out"...

Get out!

...I have
a big favor to ask,

and will pay a huge sum
of money to do it.

I'm listening.

I need you to give
this note to Emmy

and make her read it.

She's still not
talking to you, huh?

Honestly, she's being
crazy and irrational,

but as you can see
in this note,

I'm the bigger man
and still willing
to apologize.

"Dear Emmy, you're being
crazy and irrational.

"Let me explain
the many reasons

"why your super-silly
female body issues

"are all in your head."

No.

Fine!
Then, then you fix it.

Exactly how much money
are we talking here?

$1,000.

Which is what this Megatron
will be worth

on the black market
in 30 years.

I'll do it for 20 bucks.

5 bucks and a Skeletor?

I'll do it
if you just go away now.

ADULT ADAM: And so
my sister would help me,

but not by going to Emmy.

Hey, Coach,
got a minute?

Kind of busy,
female Goldberg.

I'm inventing
a new hybrid sport.

Either, uh, baseball fencing
or water-polo squash.

You can't play
squash under water.
People need to breathe.

Need to breathe.

(SIGHS)
That makes sense.

"Need to breathe."

Uh-huh.

So, my brother's been
a bad friend to Emmy Mirsky.

Ah, stabbed in the back
by her best amigo.

That is a crime worse than
all the murders in the world.

I don't think
that's right, but sure.

So, could you help her
by blatantly abusing
your authority?

You want old Coach to exact
sweet revenge, huh?

No problem.

You're an amazing teacher.

I'm sure of it.

ADULT ADAM:
While Erica was looking
to teach me a lesson,

Barry was ready to learn.

JTP!
ALL: JTP!

I need you to teach me
everything about chemistry
so I can get an "A."

Are you sure you want
to join us, bro?

Yeah, you tend to just
sort of peter out, insult us,

and then leave us
high and dry.

Not this time, my tiny friend
I can fit in my pocket!

I have enough anger
in me to last for
at least three days.

Let's do this!

What are you doing?

Taking photographs
with my mind.

You mean memorizing?
Done! Quiz me.

Fire away.
Dude. (CHUCKLES)

It takes more than just
glancing at our note cards

to know what elements
are in Group Four of
the Periodic Table.

Titanium, Zirconium, Hafnium,
and Rutherfordium.

Whoa. When you've got
hate in your heart,
you're, like, crazy-smart.

Also, it totally proves
you were never living up
to your potential.

Indeed, Geoffrey.

And I will use that potential
to stop my mom's evil plan.

ADULT ADAM: And he did.
Barry was so psyched
to teach my mom a lesson,

he couldn't stop
teaching himself.

Well, look at
you guys studying.

Just tutoring my boys.
They're having
a hard time keeping up.

Keeping up with you?

Turns out science just
kind of clicks when I try.

Barry's even read
four chapters ahead, for fun.

That's right. He knows
stuff we can't even
begin to comprehend.

Until we read that far
into the book.

Thanks to you telling me
about Mom's awful plan

to keep me here
to love me forever.

You're really
showing her.

Uh, just maybe you keep
your rage-learning between us.

But what's the point
of knowledge

if you don't use it
to destroy your mother?

You know what would
really stick it to her?

If you tell her after
you got into college.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Imagine how miserable she'll
be when I go off to Harvard.

You'll destroy her
for sure.

But until then,
let's just keep it our secret.

Our wonderful secret.

ADULT ADAM:
As my dad was trying
to keep Barry quiet,

I was just trying
to keep my shirt on.

Shirt. Skin.

Shirt, Skin, Shirt, Skin,
Shirt, Skin, Shirt.

Yes! I'm golden.

Shirt.

Skin.

Skin.

Whoa. Hey, hang on!

This better be important,
Goldfarb!

It is.
You double-skinned.

Oh, how about that?
I did double-skin.

But you can't
double-skin.

It's Shirt, Skin,
Shirt, Skin.

I can Skin-Skin
anytime I like.

If you Skin-Skin, there's
no rules! It's chaos!

Maybe now you'll know what
it feels like to be a young
girl coming of age!

Wait,
is this about Emmy?

The best teachers never reveal
if it's about Emmy.

So it is about Emmy!

You should have just
eaten the note.

Everybody eats the note!

Why do people think eating
paper is a viable option?

Just for the back-talk,
you're a Skin
for the rest of the week!

No!
Now you're a Skin
for the rest of the year!

You keep it up,
you'll be a Skin for life!
You can't do that.

Trust me...
On your wedding day,

you will walk down
the aisle shirtless.

No respectable venue
would allow that!

It'll be a beach wedding!
(GROANS)

That sounds wonderful
and like my worst nightmare.

ADULT ADAM:
That was when I realized

the person
I'd enlisted to help me
only made it worse.

You did this!
You said you wanted my help,
so I'm helping you.

I meant talk to her and make
everything better for me.

Instead, you got Mellor
all riled up!

You know
he riles easily!

I wasn't just gonna
bail you out.

You'd never learn
if I did that.
Learn what?

Do you know how hard it was
for me to be Frizzica?

I used to eat lunch
in the bathroom stalls.

I'd take the back hallways
to avoid boys.

I even spent
Saturday nights at home

watching the news
with Dad.

He yells so much
at the news.

It's like he thinks
they can hear him!

But you want to know
the worst part?

Is I had no one to talk to
about any of it.

But Emmy does.
She has you.

But you're only thinking
about yourself instead of
being there for her.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

All right.
Enough lesson-learning.

Shirt off.
Get in the game.

You'll have
to catch me first!

I'm athletic
when determined.

(GROANS)
I'm a Skin.

Boom!
Read it and weep.

Read it to me.
It hurts when I look down.

It's Barry's chemistry test,
and guess what?
He aced it!

Or should I say,
I aced him!

Guess you did, huh?

No, you said I couldn't
"Captain" him,

but you were wrong,
sucka!

You showed me.

Attention,
people in the room.

I have a huge
announcement
about my future

that I need to rub
in my mother's face.

No, no, no. We said
we were gonna be rubbing
at a much later date.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I couldn't wait
for Harvard to beg me
to join their ranks.

This is too good.
It must be rubbed.

Wait, did I hear
"Harvard"?

I think I heard "Harvard."

Oh, you heard it.

Thanks to my newfound
love of sciences,

I've officially decided
what to do with my life.

I shall be a doctor.

(GASPS)

I give you the JTP.
ALL JTP!

Not the Jenkintown Posse.
I'm talkin' about
the Jenkintown Practice.

An all-in-one
medical facility

where I'll be CEO
and lead surgeon.

I'm the in-house
ophthalmologist.

I'm the foot doc, y'all!

And I'ma play drums
in the waiting room.

I cannot believe
what I'm hearing!
Tell me more!

No. Let's not.

Sorry, Mom. You lose.

We've heard enough.
I will succeed in life

just to spite you.
No!

What'chu have to say
about that?

This is the happiest (BLEEP)
day of my (BLEEP) life!

What? Why is this good news?

'Cause I inspired you
to learn!

Now, get up on
that table and
"O Captain! My Captain!" me.

But I thought you secretly
wanted me to fail.

Of course not.
Uh, who would give you
such a nasty idea?

(YELPS)

Maybe we should go.

What the hell's
happening here?

Ooh, I'd like to stay
and quietly watch.

I may have slightly
motivated the kid

using you as a springboard
for his hate.

Yeah, you get it.
Wait.

My mom genuinely
wants me to thrive?
This is horrible!

No, it's great!
You love science now.
We all win.

It's all built on lies!

I fully reject science
and all learning!

(SIGHS)
I'm sorry, JTP.

We're no longer the JTP.

We're just the JTP.

ALL: JTP.

Bevy, I only wanted
to help the kid succeed.

Well, your way worked.
Congrats.

Wait. Where you going?

To quit.

I'm no teacher.

And the worst part is,

the only thing
I inspired in my son
is resentment.

(SIGHS)

ADULT ADAM
I had messed up with Emmy,

and it would take a miracle
to fix our friendship,

or a couple of jerks.
Dude.

Fresh hottie, 9:00.
(COUGHING)
Nice rack.

Sorry. Allergies.
(CHUCKLES)

ADULT ADAM: In that moment,
I finally saw
how hard it was for Emmy,

and I knew
just what I had to do,
even if it killed me.

Excuse me.
Hi, I'm Adam F. Goldberg.

Not be confused with
the other Adam Goldberg.

The artsy dude?

Actually, we both have
an appreciation
for the arts.

He's more
of a multi-hyphenate.

I've been focusing
on the written word.

What the hell is your
problem, dorknard?

I just heard you
talking about
my friend here.

Dude! Go away, it's fine.

No, it's not! I mean,
how would you feel

if every time
you walked through school,

the girls talked
about your body?

I'd nod and say,
"This saddle seats one.

"Unless you're a twin,
then it seats two."

Point is, maybe
we should just
be more sensitive.

It's hard enough
to be a freshman
hoping you can fit in.

I'm hoping you can fit
in that trash can.

Exactly. Wait, what?

Oh! Oh, God!

(PANTING)
Not the trash!

That's where Nurse Steve
dumps all the old Band-Aids.

Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

Hands off the dork.
Or what?

I sit behind you
in Spanish.

Next siesta
you take in class,

snip-snip,
you lose the ponytail.

But that's where
my soul resides.

Come on, man.

She's turning the tables
on us, and I don't like it.

Dude, that was badass.

Well, you're a tough girl.

It may take you a few years,
but you'll get there.

Trust me.

Are you crazy?
You almost got trashed!

I just figured
I should be there for you,

no matter
how hard it gets.

(CHUCKLES)

Thanks a lot.
(SNIFFLES)

Now I'm crying at school
'cause you're such
a dumb, great friend.

The dumbest.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)
ADULT ADAM: Yep, growing up
is an awkward adventure,

but with a little
understanding,

we can help each other
get through the rough spots.

Hey.

Please don't make
a big deal out of this.

Wow. I get a hug even though
I made you a Skin for life?

You also just saved it.

I'm your big sis.

That's what
I'm here for.

I'm gonna
hug you again.

Do it and you die.

No, I...

ADULT ADAM: Sometimes,
we're so consumed
with our own problems,

we can't see what
other people are going through

until we open our eyes
and our hearts.

Dude! Knock first!

What'd you put
under the mattress?

Magazine.

Dirty kind
with lady parts.

Physics?
(SIGHS)

Fine.

Look, I love science.

I'm good at it,
and I feel ashamed.

Well, don't.
I'm proud of you.

You are?

Look, it was wrong to use
your mother against you,

but now we know
how much you can do
if you actually try.

Yeah. Who knew?

I'll tell you who knew.
Beverly Goldberg.

She believed in you
the whole time.

I guess she is
a good teacher.

And she's also
a damn-good mother.

And maybe it wouldn't hurt
if you let her know.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)

All right!
Quiet down!

I'm your substitute sub,

which means study hall
for a month!

Sorry to interrupt.
I just came to get my mug.

Wait! Mom!

O Captain!
My Captain!

Sit down,
Mr. Goldberg!

On behalf of me
and the rest
of the Jenkintown Practice,

thank you
for believing in us.

And in me.

I said sit down,
Mr. Goldberg!

O Captain! My Captain!

O Captain! My Captain!

O Captain! My Captain!

What'd I say about
standing on the desks?
Everybody down!

Dude, they're sticking it
to Mellor by standing
on school property!

I'm king of
whatever class this is!

This school sucks!
Screw you, Dad!

Rush rules!
I will never die!

ADULT ADAM: Turns out,
Beverly Goldberg was way more

than just
a substitute teacher.

She was permanent inspiration.

My baby's
gonna be a doctor.

Eh, I'll believe that
when I see it.

(APPLAUSE)
(DING)

ADAM: Dad, say something.
How do you feel?

I am so proud and happy.

Now that he's gonna be going
to medical school,

I cried like a baby.

Because that means
for another four years,

he'll still be
out of the house

and we can keep
the room neat.

And that is how
you perform CPR on a man.

Whoa, Mr. Goldberg,
what is that you have there?

Is that another note?

What? You just...

You know the rule.

If you get caught with a note,
you have to stand up
and read it out loud

so that everybody
can hear it.

"Hey, Adam.
Who's your favorite teacher?

"I know mine's
old Glascott.

"He's hip like us.
Dude just gets it.

"Did you know he's
in a funk-fusion band
called Funk and Games?

"I heard he's playing at the
farmer's market this weekend."

I can't read any more.
I'm just gonna eat it.

You can't eat paper!
It'll plug you up!