All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S04E02.I.Heart.Video.Dating.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-ViSUM.mkv_track1_[eng]

ADULT ADAM:
Long before online dating,

single people bared their
souls on videotape,

and this is what
it actually looked like.

Hi. I'm Maurice.

I'm an executive by day
and a wild man by night.

I'm not afraid
to get sand on my tuxedo

if you're not afraid
to let the wind

mess your hair up a little bit
when I take the top down.

ADULT ADAM: And video dating
had finally hit the suburbs
of Philly.

Excuse me, ladies.

How would you like to meet
the man of your dreams?

Ew.
You're really old.

Ouch. (CHUCKLES)

But, no, I'm talking about
the romantic wave
of the future,

video dating.

It's a real business.

Using our advanced
VHS technology

and a one-time fee of $399,

followed by lifetime
monthly fees of only $19.99,

anyone can now find love.

So, which of you lonely hearts
is looking for Mr. Right?

Well, I'm not, but...
(CLEARS THROAT)

I am not
a sad-sack loser.

I choose to be alone,
and it's the best.

It is the best, isn't it?
(CHUCKLES)

Well, that's too bad
because for a limited time,

anyone that joins
the VD community

gets a free tote bag
for just $12.99.

I am not carrying around a bag
that says, "I heart VD."

My God.

Wait, I have the perfect
customer for you, my dad.

He's totally ready
to get back out there.

Hell, no!

Why would I ever do
video dating?
I'm living the dream.

It's 2:00 in the afternoon,
and you're still in your robe.

So? A robe is just
a long jacket made of towel.

Lots of people wear these.

Not to other people's homes.

In this house,
we keep it loose.

Dad, it's been four years
since Mom left.

Isn't it time you got
set up with someone?

Set up?
Did somebody say "set up"?
Who am I setting up?

No, stop.
We don't need your help.

Bill's gonna do video dating.

Video dating?
(CHUCKLES)

(ROBOTIC VOICE)
Beep, boop, bop, zorp.

Beep, boop, bop.
I will find you love.

Sorry, but, uh,
your way of matchmaking
is a thing of the past.

(NORMAL VOICE) Please.
I am literally responsible

for setting up
over 200 couples,

which means
I'm personally responsible

for over 62,000 babies.

Yeah,
that's not real math.

Bill, would you rather
put your heart

in the hands
of a proven love champion

or risk everything
with someone whose romantic
record is a little spotty?

Honestly,
I'd rather not do either.

Hey,
my record is not spotty.

And I'm, like,
the best ever at love.

Yeah, not so much.

And when you think about it,
you've only had one boyfriend,

and that was
two years ago.

Right, Dante.
What a character.

His name wasn't Dante.

He had that small hand.

Who are you thinking of?
And I'm alone by choice.

Ha! Please.

You only liked Geoff
after he wanted nothing
to do with you.

Oh, yeah?
Well, I'll show you
friggin' jerkuses

how friggin' great
I am at friggin' love

when your dad's walking down
the friggin' aisle.

See, you don't even know
that men don't walk down
the aisle!

Gah! Bill, get out
of your bath clothes!

I'm finding you love again.
Okay.

Oh! My bad!

(GRUNTS) I'll get...
Ohh, my back!

Don't worry, pal.
I gotcha.

No, no, Bruce Lee style.
Hyah!

Hyah! Hoo-hyah!

Beverly,
I'm gonna need a warm towel.

Oh, it's traveling!
It's moving south! Aah!

Good luck, Schmoops.

Get the small boy.
Have the small boy
stand on me.

� I'm twisted up inside

� But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

� I don't know the future

� But the past keeps getting
clearer every day �

ADULT ADAM: It was
September 28, 1980-something,

the day of
the career aptitude test.

Done! Now all I got to do
is sit back

and let this test
decide my entire future.

Got any predictions?

It'll either make me
an NFL punter,

motorcycle detective,
or land pirate.

Bookkeeper? I don't want
to be a librarian!

Bookkeeper's not a librarian,
you moron.

It's more like
an accountant.

Why didn't I get an awesome
job like boat owner

or rap mogul
or neighborhood oracle?

What the hell's an oracle?
A guy who sees the future.

I can see your future.

You're mowing lawns
for the city.

Never! I will be
a rich neighborhood oracle,

and nothing you say
can stop me.

(TOY SQUEAKS)
Ow!

Couldn't predict that,
could you?

ADULT ADAM: As Barry was
having trouble seeing
the future,

Erica was trying to find Bill
his future wife.

Trust me, Mr. Lewis,
your romantic future
starts now.

And to my doubters,
you can go on down to Sears

and buy a vacuum
so you can suck it.

Yes, Bill, there's
no better place to find love

than next
to Lady Foot Locker.

Put her there, Bill.
John Calabasas, love doctor.

No medical degree.

I'm legally required
to say that now.

Bill, I want to
show you something.

This is a videotape of
one of our biggest
success stories,

and this could be you.

Why, hello, there.
The name's Big Al.

And like a fine wine,
I just keep getting better
with age.

My God.
That's why he's been out
every night this month.

So... (CLICKS TONGUE)
Let's have some fun.

Boom!
And that's how love is made.

I don't know, Erica.
Maybe your mom's right
about all this.

Your friend makes a good point
about me being right, Erica.

Yeah, normally,
I just go with the flow,

but I'm starting
to take sides here, too.

Everyone stop talking.
Trust me, Mr. Lewis.

I know love and romance.
It's my jam.

So let's just
give it a shot.

And three, two, one,
get some!

Hi. this is Bill Lewis of
Bill Lewis Flooring and Tile.

I'm looking
for a nice, clean lady

to spend my days with.

It used to be my wife.

Oh, no.
Man, she was pretty.

Smelled nice.

Tight, little body
from all the Jane Fonda.

Son of a bitch, Billy Boy!
You had it all!

No.
Daddy?

One day
she just walked out on me.

All she left behind
was this single leg warmer.

I wear it on my arm
to keep her close.

Not good.
Hard to watch.

Dang it,
I miss you so much, pookie!

(SNIFFLES)
So, so much!

Also, you must be stacked.

I'm so, so sorry.

Okay, cut. Great.
I think we got it.

I don't think you did.

ADULT ADAM:
As Erica's matchmaking
was stalling out,

Barry's career planning
was just revving up.

Corporate leader?

I know, right?
Evy told me
what bubbles to fill in,

and now
I'm gonna be a CEO.

She says
I'm a natural leader.

Sit up straight.
Yes, my love.

BARRY: This is bull crap!
There's no practical job
that will ever meet

Barry's three criteria
for career awesomeness.

One, a position of
unchallenged authority.

You're stretching all wrong,
Matt Raymer.

I want you to drop
into a lunge right here.

That's the quad.
Work the quad.

That is the engine room
of the body.

Two...
No desk or formal pants.

This is where games
are won or lost.

There you go.
What are you looking
at me for?

And three...
It requires athletic skill

and physical intimidation.

You call that a chest pass,
Luke Schmidt?

Run laps
till you see God.

Shake a leg.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)

ADULT ADAM:
In that moment,

my brother finally knew
what his future would hold,

kickballs, tube socks,
and a shiny whistle.

Coach, I want to be
your athletic apprentice

so that one day
I can take your place

when you climb that big rope
into the sky.

Ah, I see.
Goofing on old Coach, huh?

Well, we'll see
who's laughing

after you do
3,000 squat thrusts.

No, I'm serious.

I want to teach gym, sir.

My God.
It's finally happening.

I'm gonna be a mentor.

Are you crying?
My eyes are just celebrating.

Here. Take this.

Training begins now!

(AIR BLOWS)

Damn it, I broke it!
Why do I have
such powerful lungs?

No,
it's a training whistle.

You'll get the tiny,
little ball that
makes it work

when you're ready.
When will that be?

Coach will know.

Now let the physical
education education begin.

First up, drink this mix
of celery and cod.

Glug hard, boy.
Glug hard.

ADULT ADAM:
While Barry hit a home run
with his new career,

Erica was striking out
at matchmaking.

Swing and a miss.
Bill struck out.

Not one response
to his video.

How is that possible?

Honestly, I've never seen
such a negative reaction,

and a lot of my
clients are just me in
different costumes.

There has to be someone
for Bill.

This thing
guarantees a match.

No, it says
it "Gurantees a match."

And that's not a real word,

so it's not a legally
binding contract.

Don't make me leave
empty-handed.

Please,
I need to find someone.

Erica?

Oh, hi, guys.
What you doing?

Geoff put some charm jewelry
on layaway.

What are you doing?

Are you video-dating?

What?
No, no, no.

I'm only here to help set up
my best friend's dad.

I know
when I say that out loud,

it doesn't sound great
or real, but it's both.

Well, best of luck
with whatever this is.

(JOHN SIGHS)

Gross.
Young love.

Look, I need
to find Bill someone.

It's how I'm gonna prove
that I'm good at this.

With the tape Bill made?
Not a chance.

Well, then I'll make
a better one.

And I've got
just the person to help.

Nerd, I need you
to make an awesome video
for Lainey's dad.

Holy balls!
My first professional
paid gig!

I'm not paying you.
Still a professional gig,
though.

It's really not.
I see it now.

We open on a time portal

as Mr. Lewis' cold,
naked body spills
to the Earth.

He rises from the smoke
like a Love Terminator.

Yeah, no nudity
or time travel.

Just make Mr. Lewis
look cool, you know, macho.

We're making a picture!
An Adam F. Goldberg joint.

What's with the "F"?

There's another
Adam Goldberg at school.

He's super-sensitive.

I don't want to cause
any marketplace confusion.

Don't worry about it.
No one cares about
either of you.

ADULT ADAM:
But I wasn't the only one
landing a gig

in my chosen profession.

(AIR BLOWS)

That looks broke.
Let me fix that.

Hey, I was practicing
my tooting skills.

Coach said
the whistle is the foundation

from which the gymnasium arts
were built.

You're just gonna sit here
and let him do this.

It was nice and quiet.
He said it was for school.

It is!

I've finally decided
on a career path.

I'm gonna be
a P.E. teacher.

Oh, my.

Dad, you're right.
It's time I find my
place in society.

And what could impact society
more than me teaching youth

how to do light exercise
and parachute games?

I fully support you 100%.

Seriously? Dude!

I thought you were gonna
stomp on this dream
like all the others.

Nah, it's too good.
It is.

In fact, I'm gonna go
grab some shut-eye.

It's 6:30.

I'm waking up at dawn.
Me and Coach are going
on a 12-mile jog,

then we're powering down
a classic English breakfast.

Why?
He likes to start
each morning

with 5,000
to 6,000 calories,

bangers and mash,
kippers, kidneys,

boiled and fried potatoes,
black and white pudding,

three kinds of meats.
His mom's British.

Seems like a lot.

She's a handful,
but I like her. (CHUCKLES)

Anyway, off to bed.

I don't understand, Mur.

Are you actually okay
with your son being
a gym coach?

Just like everything else,

the kid will move on
to the next stupid
dream of his.

And what if he doesn't?

Believe me,
he ain't getting up

at 5:00 in the morning
to move his body.
We're golden.

Dig deep.
Imagine a jaguar's
chasing you.

Let's go.

I'm miserable, but happier
than I've ever been.

Oh! (BLEEP)

ADULT ADAM:
It was the day of the big
premiere of a dating video.

But, hey,
it was still a premiere.

Before I begin,
I have a few words to say.

Webster's Dictionary
defines "masterpiece" as...

Press "play."

Okay,
without further ado,

I present to you Bill Lewis,
as requested,
a real macho man.

� Hey, hey

� Hey, hey, hey

� Macho, macho man

� Macho man, yeah

� I've got to be a macho man

� I've got to be a macho,
macho, macho man

� I've got to be a macho

Hi. I'm Bill Lewis.

And I like to dance, get
sweaty, and have some fun.

I'm ship shape
and ready for love.

Hey,
let's build a relationship.

� I've got to be
a macho, macho, macho �

You have the right
to fall in love

with Bill Lewis of
Bill Lewis Tile and Flooring.

Hey, what are you doing?

Destroying this
and starting over.

But I gave you exactly what
you asked for, macho.

Your dad was
a shirtless cowboy,

a sweaty cop,
a leather-clad biker.

Oh, I see it now.

Erica, it's time
to hand me the reins.

This is the job
for the Yentadex.

What the hell is that?

Every yenta has a Rolodex

filled with perfect matches
for everyone they know.

So buckle up, Bill.

You're about to go on
the ride of your life.

No, there will be no buckling.
I'm handling this.

Okay, I appreciate
everyone's help,

but I'm shutting
this down. I'm just...

I'm not over my wife.

We all get one true love,
and she was mine.

There is no way you only get
one soul mate in life

because he's in love
with someone else,

and then I'm gonna
be alone forever,

and I'm not gonna let that
happen to you, Bill!

Wow. She's a
passionate young lady.

Got most
of her facts wrong,

but her heart's
in the right place.

Hey, guys,
I really need your help.

Each of you grab
a leg and push.

I ate nine bananas,
but I'm still cramping up
something nasty.

Damn it,
you ate all my bananas?

I'm in real athletic pain!

Sit, Al.

Nobody is touching those legs
in those tiny shorts.

These are official
coaching bottoms.

Sure, they cinch up
the bathing-suit area,

but Coach says
I'll eventually reach

a healthy level
of crotchular numbness.

For the love of God,
take 'em off!

You'll never have kids.

Gym teachers
don't have kids.

Their kids are
the students they teach.

All right,
enough with this gym crap.

Sit down.
Clash of the Titans is on.

They've got oracles.
You love oracles.

Eh, seers and wizards
don't fit into my new,
healthy lifestyle.

I'm gonna go blend up
a power shake.

So much fiber.
The body really is
an amazing organ.

One point, two points,
three points.

(CHUCKLES)
Four points, Barry.

What imaginary game
is he playing?

There's no way to know.

I mean, of all his
farkakte dreams,

this is the one
he's going with.

This is a nightmare.

Do something!

I will!

Thanks for sitting down
with me, Rick.

Anything for
my protege's old man.

In a way,
it's like we're married.

Yeah, that's
gonna make this easier.

Uh, thing is, Barry's not
gonna be a gym teacher.

What's that now?
I think that Woody Allen
said it best.

(IMITATING WOODY ALLEN)
"Those that can't do, teach.

"And those that can't teach,
teach gym."

How dare you.

You call that
a Woody Allen impression?

(IMITATING WOODY ALLEN) This
is a Woody Allen impression.

That's exactly
what I'm doing.

You got to stammer
like...like this.

Use your hands more.

(NORMAL VOICE)
Forget Woody!
Here's the deal...

No more physical
education education!

(NORMAL VOICE)
Seems to me you're implying

that being a gym coach
isn't good enough.

No, I think
what you do is amazing.

Just not for my son.

You've seen your life.
You get it.

Well, he may be your son,
but he's my gym son.

That's not a thing.
Oh, it is.

There's no such thing.

There's no greater bond
in the world

than between a coach
and his boy protege.

I think
except for the bond

between a dad
and his actual boy.

Well, may the
best father win.

Well, that's me.
I'm his father.

And I'm his coach-father.

We're done here.

ADULT ADAM: And so began
the war over Barry's future.

Meanwhile, my sister was
so shaken by Bill's words

that she turned her
matchmaking skills on herself.

Hi. I'm Erica.
I'm not desperate or anything.

I just want to make sure that
I don't miss my one chance

to have a happy life
with Geoff.

Can I start over?

Webster defines "love" as...
Nope.

(BLUBBERING)

Geoff, Geoff, Geoff, Geoff,
Geoff. Okay.

I think I got it
out of my system,

so let's Geoff
this one more time.

I mean,
look at this photo of Evy.

Are you freaking kidding me?

(CRYING)
He's gonna be an eye doctor

because he's gonna follow
in his dad's footsteps.

It's a safe career,
but we would have had
a beautiful home.

I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be crying.

This is bad.

I don't know
who this Geoff guy is,

but I think
he may have dodged a bullet.

All right,
ladies and actual ladies,

it's time to pick captains
for today's game,

which would be...

It's your class, Coach.
Your call.

Not today.

I want you to take
this little cork ball

and jam it into your whistle,

Coach.

Physical education
education just got real.

You mean I'm ready?
Damn right you're ready.

This is your class now.

Today their fate
is in your hands.

Name your game.
Anything?

Even crab soccer?

You can crab any sport
you like, son.
(ALL GASP)

He who holds the whistle
makes the laws.

You heard Coach Tasty.

Crab formation now!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

ADULT ADAM: That day,
Barry invented crab hockey.

As a gym coach,
he was a natural.

Show me some hustle!
(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Second place is
the first place of losers.

"Winning" spelled backwards
is "gninniw."

It's never okay
to put butter on a donut!

Champions are losers
who forgot to give up!

Sweat is the body's tears
crying away the weakness!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

It doesn't fit!

This game doesn't make
any sense!

Some things aren't meant
to be crabbed!

Then run laps, Atkins!
Now!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

How'd it feel, son?

I'll never forget this moment,
Coach, as long as I live.

Hey, Bar, look what I got
for you at Spencer's Gifts.

Is that a crystal ball?

Just like the real
professional oracles use.

That's what you want to be
when you grow up, isn't it?

It is!
See you around, Coach.

What just happened?
Well, Coach...

I'll put it in terms
you can understand. You lost.

But I gave him
a whistle ball.

And I gave him
a better ball.

Don't sweat it.
You'll find another gym son.

No, for once, someone
really looked up to me...

What I do, who I am.

And you took it away
with a trip to the toy store.

I hope you feel good
about yourself.

It hurts when you put
your tongue to it.

ADULT ADAM: Convinced
she was facing
a loveless life alone,

my sister was desperate
to find out her future.

Very desperate.

Hey, um,
gonna be honest here.

I'm struggling real bad,

and I heard that Dad
bought you a crystal ball.

I've been expecting you,
my lost child.

To be clear, I know this is
ridiculous and not real.

I just need to hear
something encouraging.

I've been expecting you,
my lost child.

Stop talking like that
and tell me I'll have
a boyfriend one day.

I've been expecting you,
my lost child.

I hate you.
Then take my hand...

...and let's journey
into tomorrow and beyond.

(SIGHS)
AL: Come on, Mur.

Are you sure
this is better than gym coach?

From way downtown!
Bang!

(SIGHS) I got
a hole in my heart.

Hey.

Is everything okay
in here?

What do you care,
dream crusher?

About the other day...
I feel bad.

I shouldn't have said that
what you do isn't good enough.

What do you feel bad for?

Just telling the truth.

Look, if Barry wants to have
a career like yours,

I won't stand in the way.

What about his new life
as a boy-witch?

That's not gonna last.

Hey, you were
the only one

who made him take
his future seriously.

Yeah, well, I guess
that's what a halfway
decent coach does.

More than a coach.
Gym dad.

Damn you, Goldbergs.

(VOICE BREAKING)
You always know how to hit me
in my biggest muscle...

My heart.

(SIGHS) Although my...

My biceps
are nuts, huh?

ADULT ADAM: It wasn't
up to my dad to decide
Barry's future.

But Erica was hoping
my mom knew hers.

Wow.

You swore you'd never look
in my Yentadex.

You were right.

I'm, like,
really bad at love.

Trust me. You're not.

I just wish I didn't blow it
with Geoff.

� The scent of magic,
the beauty that's been

It really hurts, you know?

(VOICE BREAKING)
It just... It hurts.

� When love was wilder
than the wind

I know, Schmoops.
� Listen to your heart

But you'll find the right guy
when the timing is right.

� Listen to your heart
I just know it.

� Take a listen... �

ADULT ADAM: That day,
my sister realized there
were no easy answers

when it comes to who
you're supposed to be with.

Even though my mom
knew otherwise.

� Listen to your heart

ADULT ADAM:
Truth is when you're a kid,

the future is always
uncertain.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)

� Whoa, listen to your heart
That's game.
Hit the showers.

There's no crystal ball
that can give you the answer.

� Listen to your heart �
Hey, Coach. I, uh...

I thought you might want
this back.

No, keep it.

Maybe you need a hand putting
away those hockey sticks?

Eh, you run along.
I got this.

ADULT ADAM:
But with the right people in
your corner supporting you,

you'll always come out
a winner in the end.

(BELL DINGS)

(BELL DINGS)

(CHEERING)

Mr. Lewis?
Hello!

The sun's out.
Where's your day robe
and your overall bummer vibe?

Well, I guess all this dating
talk got me thinking

maybe I am ready
to give love another shot.

Well, unfortunately,
Mom's not here, and she
hides her Yentadex.

But perhaps I can help.
Come, my child.

I see a beautiful,
bubbly blonde.

She loves shorts
and the beach.

Oh, yeah,
I like where this is going.

And she has a friend.

There's two girls?
Yes, three is company.

Hot damn.
When do I get to meet 'em?

All you got to do is
knock on their door.

I do?
They've been waiting for you.

It's Three's Company, Bill.
It's a popular TV show.

He forgets what he watches,
and he thinks it's the future.

All right! Forget that!

Let me clear my mind
and start over.

I see you and a woman.

One of you is the boss.
But who is the boss?

(GLASS BREAKS)

I actually
saw that coming.