All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S02E21.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.h.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

Adult adam:
Back in the '80s,

I saw the movie
princess bride 237 times.

Not just because
it was andre the giant's
greatest performance,

It had magic,
adventure, romance,

Rodents of unusual size,

And the greatest one-liners
of all time.

Inigo: (on tv)
my name is
inigo montoya.

You killed my father.

Prepare to die.

Adult adam: It wasn't enough
to just watch
the princess bride.

I had to experience it.
Inigo: You are better
than I am.

Man: (on tv) then why
are you smiling?
Then why are you smiling?

'cause I know something
you don't know.

Because I know something
you don't know.

I am not left-handed.

There's something
I ought to tell you.

I'm not
left-handed, either.

(groans)
screw wrapping paper.

We need
some real swords, dude.

Can't you ask your mom?
She never says no to you.

Sure, dave kim.

Let me ask
my safety-crazed mother

For a deadly weapon.

Get your head
in the game, dude.

Maybe you could ask
your dad.

Please.
He hates movies.

All he cares about
are sports
and bread products.

(gasps) wait.
That's it.

Yes. Good.

Fill your mouth
with that delicious
buttered bagel I made you.

While I'm here,
I wanted to ask
for a little favor.

No.
Imagine a world

Where you can
live out your dream
of having an athletic son

Instead of a triple-threat
theater force.
No.

Well, that world
can be yours
for just $250.

No.
'cause with your help...

No.
I can become...

You're gonna love this...
No!

An olympic-class fencer.

Seriously?
Of all sports,

You pick the one
with a pointy sword?

You know how
your mom's crazy
about eye safety. Crazy!

Please.
Fencing is my dream.

I thought your dream
was to be cast as an ewok.

I'm too big now.
Things change.

Just give me
what I want.
(door opens)

Pops,
the voice of reason.

Help me out here,
will you?

Come on, murray.

Don't be such a grump

And let the kid
do it already.

You just walked in.
You don't even know
what we're talking about.

Well, I know the first thing
you always say is no.

Is that what happened here?
He said no?

The moron wants to fence.

I'll spend a fortune
on equipment,

And he'll quit
after the first match.

You know, this reminds me
of a little story.

(sighs) please,
don't tell me a story.

I'm gonna
tell you a story.

When bevy was a girl,

All she wanted
was to be a ballerina.

Sadly, she was
a very early bloomer.

The other little girls
would keep
a wide berth around her

So if she lost
her balance,

They wouldn't be
crushed beneath her
enormous girl body.

Point is,
watching her dance

Is one of the happiest
memories of my life.

Don't you want
to have that with your son?

(groans) why do you
always have to tell

Such wonderful
and touching crap?

Fine.

If this is really your dream,
I'll buy you the sword.

Yes! I'm gonna be like
luke skywalker.

Scratch that.

I'm gonna be like...

Name an athlete
who's really good at sports.

Michael jordan.
Michael jordan!

(groans)

(panting)
just poked my eye.

Oh. It's okay.

I got glasses.
They protected me.

¶ I'm twisted up inside

¶ but nonetheless
I feel the need to say

¶ I don't know the future

¶ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ¶

Adult adam:
It was April 22,
1980-something.

A typical day for my mom...

Power walking
and being a yenta.

You won't believe
what I heard about gabe
and melinda finkleman...

Trial separation.

(gasps) what?
Is he moving out?

No, he's moving
into the room
above their garage

Like fonzie,

Only this time,
it's not cool.
Oh!

(both chuckle)
"ay."

Adult adam: A yenta
is a nickname for
the world's most intrusive,

Loose-lipped gossip monger.

They're the busiest
of busybodies

Who have a talent for making
your business their business.
Psst.

Don't look.

Ginny.

It's linda holman.

Her son brian
is going to cornell,

But the twin, craig,

Is spending the year
traveling abroad

So he can "find himself."

Translation...

He's got a problem
with reefer.

Oh.
So sad.

Adult adam: A good yenta
can dish anytime, anywhere.

Yeah, it's amazing
how marsha's surgery

For sleep apnea
left her so top-heavy.

You know what I mean?
Please!

I need to talk to someone
from the outside world.

But most importantly, a yenta
is an expert matchmaker.

Miss cinoman!

Miss cinoman, allow me.

Why, thank you,
coach mellor.

Please.
Call me coach rick.

Well, look at those two.

They seem to be
getting along nicely.

Don't even think about it.
Think about what now?

You cannot set up
mellor and miss cinoman,
understand?

That's a guaranteed disaster
for us.

Disaster!
How can
bringing together

Two like-minded,
single adults

Over chablis
and assorted cheeses

Possibly turn into
a disaster for you?
(car door closes)

Coach is my coach,

And whenever
he feels feelings,

He makes us run laps
until we feel them, too.

And miss cinoman
is my music teacher.

Spring fling is next week,
and I have a solo.

Don't be you
and ruin this.

Go! Put your foot
on the gas and push.

Well,
this is very hurtful.

Adult adam: As much as my mom
wanted to do right
by erica and barry,

There was no way
she could curb her meddling

When the perfect match
was just around the corner.
(tires screech)

Beverly: Coach mellor!
Hey, it's beverly goldberg!

Meanwhile, all I had to do
was throw one match,

And this fencing sword would
become my awesome movie prop.

Go get 'em, pal.
No worries.

Just do your best
out there.

Listen, I'm kind of running
a grift on my old man,

So what do you say
we give him a good show

And I'll be on
my merry way?

Is your dad like a bad dude
or something?

Is there always
this much talking
before these things?

Let's just do this, bro.

Okay, so maybe it was wrong
to screw over my dad,

But I wanted to be
inigo montoya,

And this was
the least painful way.

(groans)

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, god! Why?

Or so I thought.

Cut it off of me!
Cut the glove off of me!

Intermission.
I call intermission.

While my dad's hope
for a connection with me
took a big hit,

My mom was hoping
for a love connection.

Beverly, thank you so much
for your generous donation

Of unique sweaters
for the holiday concert.

Oh, it's my pleasure.
(doorbell rings)

Oh, well, I wonder
who that could be

At this late
and sexy hour, huh?

How you doing, mrs. G?

I'm here for that
large donation
of sports balls.

Of course.
Come on in.

Uh, did you, uh, jog here?
You seem overheated.

If you ain't running,
you ain't living.

Susan.
Coach rick.

Do you two know
each other?

Are you kidding me?

Work at william penn academy
and not know susan cinoman

Is like looking
at a spice rack

And not knowing
actual cinnamon.

Rick is well-regarded
at school

For both his mind
and his body.

(laughing) I can't believe
I just said that.

Ah, please.

That's why I eat
six pounds of fish
every single day.

Oh!
Feeds both.

Well,
speaking of eating, uh,

Would you like to just
sit back

And enjoy this
open bottle of wine
and beautiful cheese plate?

Sure.

Beverly: Rick, perhaps you'd
like to ask susan something

About herself,
like, um...

Oh, did you know
she used to live in florida?

I do have many questions
for susan.
Oh.

Are you from florida?

Tampa.

I have
a sports background, too.

I grew up
racing greyhound dogs.

You must be
incredibly fast.

I can tell by the size
of your calves

You got
a lot of explosion.

Oh, no.

I raced them
against other dogs.

(chuckles)
oh. Okay.

But no one's ever said that
about my calves before.

Yeah, well, I'm saying it
right now.

Adult adam: There it was.

Another perfect match made
by a world-class yenta,

Much to the dismay
of the yenta's children.

I'm sorry, dad.
I just had to bow out
gracefully.

I wouldn't call that
bowing out gracefully.

You made the referee
carry you to the car.

She was a strong lady.

She was a strong lady.

But the good news is,
is I learned a lot today...

Mostly, swords hurt
when they jab your body,

Which is why I've decided
to retire from the game.

In time, I know,
we'll both be glad
I gave this a shot.

I have to admit
that your story

About bevy dancing
gave me hope.

For a second,
I thought that me and adam

Actually found something
that we both enjoyed.

You know,
this reminds me of a story.

Oh, dear god.

I'll work through it
on my own.

Adult adam: Yep.
I brilliantly played my dad
to get a sword.

Even little bald vizzini
would've called my plan
inconceivable!

Dude!
These swords are badass.
How'd you get them?

Simple. I used
my dad's love of sports

And the awkwardness
of our relationship
to get what I wanted.

Wow. Behind the mask
and glasses lies
a devious mind.

All right, adam and boy
whose name I can't remember.

Give me the swords.

Wait, what? Why?

You quit,
so I'm returning them.

But they're used.
I spoke to the manager
at herman's sports.

He's a total hard-ass.
He won't take them back.

It's store policy,
ironclad.

No, I got some
divorced dad at school

Who wants to buy them
to earn back his son's love,

So hand them over.

But I need them.
I mean...

I have some big news.

You see, I found
an even better use

For expensive
sporting equipment.

Imagination.

Oh, I see
what's going on here.
You played me.

What?
You played me.

Don't insult me like that.

You used
my love of sports

And the awkwardness
of our relationship

To get what you wanted.

Well, I wouldn't use
those words exactly.

You literally did
a minute ago.

Shut up, dave kim!

My name is dave kim,
by the way.

Adult adam:
While I had let my dad down,

My mom was celebrating
the perfect setup.

I did it, ginny.

They stayed past 11:00,
and she drove him home,

Partly because he jogged
to our house,

But partly because
they wanted private time.

Wow.
How do you do it, bev?

Well, I just know
that opposites attract.

I mean,
she's creative and artistic,

And he likes to wear
short shorts in the winter.

Wow. Well, you are just
a matchmaking wizard.
I know.

But you can't tell anyone.
I would never.

This is so juicy.

I know.
But you cannot tell a soul.

I would never.

(telephone rings)
oh!

Adult adam:
The only problem was that
my mom was just a single part

Of an intricate web
of gossiping moms.

Long before the internet,
there was
the worldwide yenta-net.

It was faster than
erica and barry
could've ever imagined.

Yo!

Dude!
Did you hear?

Miss cinoman and mellor
are doing the wild thing.

I heard they hooked up
in the pool and now
they have to drain it.

Oh, god, no.
Where'd you hear that?

Everyone's talking about it.

Apparently they got busy
in the band room

And now they got to
throw away all the oboes.

Oh, this is bad.

Your dopey friends
have the biggest mouths
in school.

No, no, no,
they're cool.

I promise you
it's not as bad as we think.

Everybody stop
your gossiping!

Nobody wants to hear
about susan cinoman

Mashing parts
with that neanderthal.

Get to class.

Yeah, it's bad.

It's come to my attention
that there's been some...

Inappropriate behavior
with members of our faculty.

I am offended
to my very core

That my integrity
would be questioned.

We kissed!
Coach rick.

It absolutely happened.

Big time.

(both chuckle)

I actually
have a question.

Why am I here?

You are here,
because you caused
this kerfuffle.

Now, I don't want to mention
any names,

But there is another
faculty member
that has complained,

And our school's bylaws state
teachers can't fraternize.

Love don't care
about bylaws.

That is beautiful,
coach.

What...He just said
doesn't mean anything.

Look,
one of the two of you

Is going to have to
take a leave of absence.

If someone must go,
then let it be me.

I will be the one who goes
gently into that good night.

Hooray, it's settled.
So, cinoman's out,
mellor's in.

Silver lining.

Now we can go make out
in the supply closet
without fear of punishment.

(laughs)
(growls)

No.
Still not okay.

Adult adam:
Being an all-knowing yenta,
my mom knew exactly

Who complained
about her matchmaking.

It was this man.
(sneezes)

(groans)
the lonely and bitter
mr. Woodburn.

The only solution...
Find a match for him, too.
Damn it!

59 cents worth of noodles
down the drain.

If anybody could get it done,
it was beverly goldberg.

Can't be done.

While my mother
was determined to open
mr. Woodburn's heart,

I was determined
to open my dad's eyes
to the princess bride.

Look, I know
I manipulated you

Into spending hundreds
of your hard-earned dollars

On swords to re-create
an epic movie scene,

And for that,
I'd like to say,
"my mistake."

Oh! Well, as long as
it's your mistake,
all is forgiven.

I can sense your sarcasm,

But I think
once you see that movie,

You'll be
so freaking delighted

That you'll have no choice
but to forgive me.

I'm not watching
that damn movie.

Do you like romance,
pirates,

Wizards, mandy patinkin?

That's a hard no
to all those things.

But what I do like
is my money well spent,

And that's why
I'm gonna
force you to fence.

But I'll get poked again,
and it stings a little!

Pops,
you're the voice of reason.
Help me out here.

Not after the way
you manipulated
your father, kiddo.

That was a real
putz move.

Look, I can't fence.

I have absolutely no idea
what I'm doing.

Lucky for you,

I got a way you can learn
everything about everything.

The encyclopedia?
That's your brilliant answer?

Yes.
"f" for fencing.

Now learn, damn it.

Adult adam:
Yep, back before
google and wikipedia,

The only way
to look stuff up

Was a set of really boring
books that covered a lot,

But said a little.
There.

Fencing.
You're welcome.

Adam: There's just
a small paragraph.

I'll learn nothing
from this.

"z" for zorro.
He was a great fence man.

Oh, please, zorro sucks.

Don't you dare knock zorro!
He is a man of honor.

Then why is he wearing
that stupid mask?

What's he hiding?
All I'm saying is

Zorro had enough skill

To sign a "z"
wherever he went.
A "z"!

Even I can sign a "z."

Oh, I'd like to see that.

Gladly.

(grunting)
(groans)

What'd you do that for?

Don't just stand there!

We're in "f."
find "first aid."

Murray:
Oh, you moron!

Adult adam:
While my dad was feeling
the pain of my blade,

Miss cinoman was gone,
and to coach,

That was as stab
in the heart.

(voice breaking)
hustle up, goldberg!
Pick up the pace!

Coach, are you crying?

You only get one cry in life,
son, and this ain't it.

Now run
till your heart explodes,

'cause...Mine just did.

Adult adam:
As coach mellor was barely
holding it together,

The school choir
had completely fallen apart
without miss cinoman.

Now...

I know you're all wondering
what qualifications

Does your principal have
to teach you music?

Well, rest assured,
I was a baritone

In my high-school
barbershop quartet,

The dapper dougs.

Isn't your name earl?

Yes, but we had a doug,
and he was very assertive.

Sorry.
Now,

Match my pitch.

(note plays)

¶ I don't hear any singing

(all humming)
¶ let's go-o-o-o

(deep voice)
¶ no, you're down here.

(high voice)
¶ I'm up here

(deep voice)
¶ you're down here
you're a girl

(high voice)
¶ I'm a bo-o-y

¶ you're a principal
what makes you qualified
to teach music?

¶ no offense
¶ no offense taken

¶ but I would be very careful
about that attitude

¶ it leads you down to
a very dangerous path ¶

(note plays)

(door slams)

Your yenta-ing
has ruined our lives.

Coach mellor canceled
our next wrestling match.

He said without love,
what's the point of sports?

I lost my solo.

Even worse, I'm the bass
in a barbershop quartet.

Principal ball chose me
over matt ramer,

And he's a dude,
a big dude.

Okay. I admit I may have
over-yenta'd,

And for that,
I'm sorry.

But lucky for you,

Your mama's already
in the kitchen
cooking up a plan.

Adult adam:
She had a plan, all right.

Okay, what have we got,
people?

Adult adam: And that plan
was to find love for my
jealous science teacher.

Leads for woodburn.
Talk to me.

We're thinking
edna bishop.

Engaged. Next.

Betty garellick.
Engaged. Next.

Ruth applebaum!

Moved to jersey.
Come on.

I think...

I might know someone.

Who?
Her name is gail kaufman.

She works with me
at gimbels.

She's super clumsy
and dresses in primary brown

And always talks about
her pet lizard.

(all exclaiming)

But more than anything,
I just get the feeling

They would really
like each other,
you know?

I do know.

Oh, and she doesn't have
a ring.

How do I even
know that?

Because all yentas know.

(all laughing)

Oh, my god.
You're one of them!

Oh, don't you dare
say that.

But it's true.

Oh, schmoopie,
I'm so proud of you!

Don't be proud.
'cause I'm not a yenta.

Beverly:
Don't be ashamed. It's a gift.

Hey.

How's your throat skin?

You, uh, stabbed it
with a sword,
so it feels like that.

Here, you can sell this.

I'm sorry
I lied and stuff.

It's fine.
This whole thing
was a mess.

I guess I was just excited
about the overlap.

The what?

The overlap. You know,
you like dumb movies,

I like awesome sports,

And this fencing thing
was finally something

We could both enjoy...

At least
I thought it was.

Adult adam: He was right.
This was no longer
about some silly sword.

It was about sharing
something with my dad,
and I had to fix it.

Dad?
Yeah.

Maybe I could give it
one more try.

Honestly,
you don't have to.

I do. And you know what?
I might even surprise you.

And so, I set out to become
like every brave warrior

Who ever wielded a sword.

The time had come
to be a real hero,

Not just play one
from a movie.

Sadly, fighting for real
was way harder

Than the stage combat class
I took at theater camp.

Adam: You won, gosh!
Dang it! Ahhh!

It was 4-0,
and if I was gonna
win this match,

I'd need more
than an encyclopedia.

I needed a miracle.

(sighs) thank god.

Pops, just the man
I wanted to see.

Tell me what to do.

Hey, look, you got a nickel
in your face mask.

Not the nickel trick now!

I got stabbed
in the face.

I need advice,
real life-saving advice.

Adam, let's just go home.

You'll do
your princess bride thing.

Adult adam: Of course.
That was my answer...

The very movie that brought
me here in the first place.

Just like inigo montoya,

I'd rise up and fight
in the name of my father!

The princess bride.

That's it.

Back for more?

(imitates inigo montoya)
hello. My name
is inigo montoya.

You killed my father.
Prepare to die.

What now?

Hello.
My name is inigo montoya.

You killed my father.
Prepare to die.

Dude,
what is your deal?

Hello.
My name is inigo montoya.

You killed my father.
Prepare to die.

Your father
is right there.

He sold us our sectional.

Attaboy, kiddo!

Murray: (laughs)
my son's gonna be
in the olympics!

In the olympics!

Adult adam: I wasn't,
but I was still a champion
to my dad.

¶ each morning I get up
I die a little

¶ can barely stand
on my feet

Chorus:
¶ take a look at yourself
in the mirror

Adult adam: And even though
erica refused to admit
she was a yenta...

¶ lord,
what you're doing to me
she got her solo back

Thanks to
the matchmaking skills
she learned from my mom.

Erica, thank you
for telling me
about the big sale

On brown pants
and shirts.

Of course.

Could I get my co-worker
to help you?

I'm kind of slammed today.

Gail, would you mind
helping my friend here
find some slacks?

¶ somebody to love?

Hi.

I bet you'd be
interested to know

Gail here
has a giant lizard.

Emerald tree
or spiny-tailed?

I'll tell you all about it
while you try on
some corduroys.

(chuckles) okay.
(chuckles) okay.

This way.

Schmoopie.
Oh, no.

No proud hugs.

(chuckles)
I'm not a yenta.

Not even a little yenta?

Do you want to hide
in a dressing room

So we can hear
what they're talking about?

We'll stop by housewares
and get a glass
to press against the wall.

Move, move, move.

Adult adam: Once mr. Woodburn
had conveniently met
his perfect match,

He didn't care so much about
miss cinoman and coach rick.

And that's the power
of the yenta.

Despite the gossip
and meddling...

All they really want
is to find
each single person

Somebody to love.

Coach, are you crying?

You only get
one cry in life, son,
and this is it.

Can we stop running now?

¶ till the tears run down
from my eyes, lord

¶ somebody
adult adam: Even though
I grew up in a small town...

We still had our fair share
of adventure and romance.

And while my dad
wasn't much for either...

We still managed
to find our overlap.

'cause that's the thing
about family.

Sometimes they demand a lot,
but you love them so much...

You can't help but give in
and say, "as you wish."

Dad, what are you...

I, uh, watched the movie,
and it's not bad.

¶ somebody to love ¶

(chuckles)

Okay, let's, uh,
get this over with.

Okay.
So, come over here.

Stand right there
and try and look enormous.

There we go.

Helen schur says her son
is working on wall street.

I just saw him
bagging groceries
at walmart.

(groans)
I need the phone!

You've literally been on it
for seven hours!

I'm telling you,
dottie anderson's leg...

100% wood.

Four carats my ass,
linda schwartz. (laughs)

We all know
she's sporting a cubic z.

Oh, they don't
own that house.

They're renters.

Said that.

You said that.
You said that.
(inaudible)

(indistinct conversation)

(bell dings)

(bell dings)