All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S02E17.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.h.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

Adult adam: Back in the '80s,
america had one clear enemy...

The russians.

It was the age
of the cold war.

Capitalism vs. Communism.

Reagan vs. Gorbachev.

Rocky vs. That
roided-out monster

Who killed apollo creed.

But the only war I knew
was the one with my brother,
and like any superpowers,

Most of our fights
were about border disputes.

Dude!
You're in my space.

You're in my space!

Stop it.
Stop fighting.
Don't you...

Like any warring factions,

We didn't understand
each other and had
nothing in common.

Barry roller-skated to wham!
To impress the ladies

While I roller-skated
to starlight express
to impress the theatergoers.

I barely survived gym class...

(whistle blows)
...While barry thrived
as an athlete.

(grunts)

My dream was to be
the next steven spielberg.

Barry's dream was to be
the next charles barkley.

Swish, baby!

I collected garbage pail kids

While barry loved
his baseball cards.

Dude, check it out.

I just got hairy mary
and oozy suzy.

Oh, really?

I got nerdy adam
and punchy barry.

My most prized possession
was my castle grayskull,

And barry's
was this enormous shoe.

Behold, my lady.

The actual high-top
of basketball's
greatest badass,

Sir charles barkley.

Cool.
Let me see...

No! Your hand contains
damaging oils.

You can admire it quietly.
At a distance.

How did you even get
this thing?

Dave sirota hooked me up.

His dad's a team doctor.

All I got to do
is his math homework
for the rest of year.

That is a horrible deal
for him.

Yeah, it is.
Sorry to be this dude,

But it's just a shoe.
Who cares?

"who cares?"

This is charles barkley.

The round mound
of rebound.

The greatest sixer
of our time.

Yeah,
basketball's not my sport.

Well,
sports aren't your sport.

Even my shoe thinks
you're a nerd.

Huh?
What was that?

"punch your brother
in the nards"?
Idiot.

Your shoe sounds
a lot like you.

Hey!
Knock it off.

What did we discuss?
Which barry do I like?

Sweet barry.
Which barry
do I hate?

Yelly,
punchy barry.
Mmm-hmm.

(mouthing)
adult adam: Yep,
barry and I forever lived

In a tense
and bitter cold war.

We were always on guard,
never knowing when the other
would strike.

And this year,
I decided to mount

An epic attack
on April fools' day.

My target was the one thing

He told me never to touch
with my human oils.

Where's my barkley shoe?

Relax.
I spilled some water on it,
so I threw it in the dryer.

I told you not to touch
that thing!

(footsteps receding)

Barry:
(screams) no!

Gone. (sniffles)

Gone forever.

Fly away,
little size 16.

I'm a better person
for having known you.

Well, who knew that
high heat for an hour

Would do that to rubber?
Hmm.

I...Feel...Anger!

(laughs)

(laughs)

April fools'!
Oh, balls!

Dude, it was
an April fools' joke.

Here's the real shoe,
idiot.

(laughing) oh, man.

That... Yeah.

It's April already.
(laughs)

You got me good.

Wait. Y-you destroyed
castle grayskull.

You owe me 100 bucks.

Yeah, not gonna happen.

You should know I'm unstable
and would react poorly.
This is on you.

By the power of grayskull,
this will not stand.

Thought I lost you, buddy.

¶ I'm twisted up inside

¶ but nonetheless
I feel the need to say

¶ I don't know the future

¶ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ¶

Adult adam: It was
April 1, 1980-something,

And my sister
was spending time

In her true home...
The mall.

Okay, what do you want
to hit next?

Benetton or sam goody?

Holy crap!

Every teenage girl has
a defining moment in her life.

For my sister,
it was the chance

To see her rock idol
jam by the food court.

Tiffany...Is coming...
To our mall?

Sweet god,
my life now has meaning.

Yep, back before taylor swift
and katy perry,

Teen pop superstars
would visit your tiny town

And play a free concert
in your local mall.

And the biggest star
of them all was tiffany.

No last name needed.

¶ I think we're alone now ¶

Don't you see
what this means?

I can give tiffany
my demo tape,

And she can
discover me.

Oh.
Just one problem.

You don't have
a demo tape,

And your cheap-ass dad
will never pay for one.

Then there's
only one play.

What if I told you
I could save you
$20,000 today?

For the first time
in your life,

You'd have
my full attention.

Well, that's the price
of a college education
these days.

And for a mere $200,

I can record a music demo tape
and hand it off to tiffany,

Thereby skipping college
and achieving my life dream

Of becoming a teen
singing sensation.

Dreams?
Who said "dreams"?

Mama's here.
I support you.
Don't!

She wants to sing
instead of going to college.

It's a nightmare.

I'm not
a total idiot.

I've worked out
a surefire plan

That will get me
to the top.

Listen to our
snuggle monkey.

She has a plan.
It's surefire.
What's the plan?

I take my awesome
demo tape to the mall
and hand it to tiffany.

The minute she hears
my soulful voice, boom!

It happens.
What happens?

I open for her in malls
across the country.

That's when I get
a record deal

And meat simon le bon
from duran duran

At calvin klein's
lake house.

Here's a plan... College!

Beverly:
Oh, you're such
a grumpy pants.

Just you wait.
Her plan will work.

Yes!
I love you, mom.
Aw.

(chuckles)
(sighs)

(sighs)

The (bleep) murray?
Why didn't you stop me?

Stop you?
You were chewing
my head off!

My baby wants to sing?
That's not a job.

But you just told her
it was!

You got to go up there
and tell her
she's got to go to college.

Why? You just told her
she didn't!

Because
I'm the dream pusher,

And you're
the dream smusher.
That's how this works.

This is a thing?
I'm the smusher?

Yes.
I push, you smush.

That's the natural order
of things.

I didn't sign up for this!
You smush for once.

You know, it's exhausting
always having to be
the bad guy.

Well, it can't be me!
I'm the loving,
supportive one.

You're the grumbling,
grouchy one
I always hide behind.

Now go!
Smush, smush, smush.

(groans)
(telephone rings)

Hello?

Adam: (on phone)
have you checked on the cards?

What?

(slowly) have you checked
on the cards?

No. No!

Yes. (chuckles)

Barry: You drew
all over my cards!

Tell me this is a joke.
Say "April fools'."
say it!

No joke.

One castle grayskull
for your baseball cards.

Your toy's 100 bucks!

This is a million dollars!

They're $1 a packet.

Everyone knows
they triple in value
every day.

This was my nest egg.

Well, I guess
you're gonna have to
work for your money now.

Never.
Mark my words...

You've waged a war
you cannot win.

I'm coming for you,
brother.

And I'm coming hard.

Bring your best, bro,

'cause nothing scares
adam goldberg.

Oh, god. Oh, god.
Oh, god.

He's gonna come at me.

I told him to bring his best.
Why would I suggest that?

Just apologize
for what you did
to cal ripken.

We're long past
apologies now.

This is all-out war,
and I'm gonna win.

Kiddo,
I fought in a real war.

Trust me,
there is no winner.

Adult adam:
Pops was right.

While I protected my toys,

I forgot about
one crucial item...

My video camera.

No!
What have you done?

Okay, barry,
you've gone too far.

You mess with my stuff,
I mess with yours.

This wasn't just stuff.

This camera meant
everything.

It's like my best friend.

Oh, relax. All I did
was take it apart.

Here's the manual.
Just... Just put it
back together.

Adam: This is in chinese!

Remember,
you smush, I push.

Fair warning,
she's gonna get
extremely upset,

And she will
throw something at you.

I apologize in advance
'cause I'm gonna
let it happen.

Peanut,
we need to talk.

(sighs)
what do you want?

I just want you
to know...

(sighs)

...That I support
your singing 100%.

What?
Really?

Really.
What?

Forget about college.
Gamble your life

In the dangerous
and shady world
of rock 'n' roll.

For real?
So real.

Unless you mom's got
something to add.

Uh, not at this moment.

Um, I'm just letting
the news wash over me
'cause it's so positive.

(chuckles)
dad, I give you
my word

When riki gold
sweeps the grammys,

You're will be
the first person I thank.

Riki gold?

Yeah,
it's my stage name.

'cause goldberg is...
You know.

You can be whoever
you damn well please

Because daddy believes
in you and your plan.

Ooh, thanks, dad!

Adult adam: With that,
my dad became the pusher...

I'm so excited!
...Forcing my mom

To become the smusher.
Thank you.

It's a bad plan.

What?
You know I love you,

But you are gonna
go to college
and get a good job

So I don't have to
stay up late
at night worrying.

So, basically,
you're a sham.

Every time that you said
you believed in me,
it was a lie?

Of course not.
It's still me.

It's your mama,
snuggle monkey.
(scoffs)

Lies! I am not
your snuggle monkey.

You don't mean that.

Oh, I mean it.

And you can never call me
snuggly or squishy

Or boopie or schmoopie
ever again.

Do not take schmoopie
away from me.

Don't you dare!

It's just I...

I don't want you to fail.

Well, that makes me want
to succeed even more.

I will sing for quarters
on the subway.

I will sleep on lumpy couches
owned by creepy disk jockeys.

Sure,
when times get tough,

I may have to go cry
in a bank vestibule.

But then, in the end,

I will be bigger than
tiffany and debbie gibson.

But not madonna,
because I'm realistic.

(sighs)

Adult adam:
Since neither of my parents
wanted to be the smusher,

They turned to
erica's teacher for help.

Thank you so much
for meeting with us
on a Saturday.

Honestly, we really do
appreciate it.

Anything for erica.

In all of my years
of teaching,

I have never had a student
so passionate and talented.

Oh, that is so nice
to hear.

And I'm gonna need you
to shut your mouth

And never say that again.

What? I...

Let me chime in here.

Actively destroy her dreams.
Thank you so much.

(chuckling) yeah,
I'm not gonna agree to that.

I'm her teacher.
It is my job to inspire her,
not to hold her back.

Let me pipe in here, mur.

We would appreciate it

If you would shame her
into quitting

Using, say, scare tactics
or negative reinforcement.

I don't want to tell you
how to do your job.
You get it.

I really don't get it.

Let me
sound off here, bev.

What my wife
is trying to say,

And I think we can
all agree on this,

A career in music,
it's absurd.

(scoffs)
I...Don't agree.

Let me finish this off,
mur.

See, millions of girls
want to be stars,

But they end up becoming
waitresses or dog walkers
or music teachers.

And that is no life
anyone would wish
for their little girl.

No offense.

Literally couldn't be
more offended.

Let me take
the wheel here, bev.

Uh, you know what?
Don't take wheel.
Okay? (laughs)

Beverly,
I cannot believe this.

I... Even though
you give me hives

And I am stalked
in my dreams
by a blond monster,

I have always respected
the way that you support
your kids no matter what.

(sighs)
look. It's just...

What she wants to do,
it's such a long shot.

It is if you're not
there for her.

Do you think that tiffany
or debbie gibson

Would have made it
without their mothers?

No.

They not only support
their daughters,

They manage
their whole careers.

What's that, now?

Adult adam: My mom realized
that she could hijack
erica's career

And be both a mom
and a manager.

Momager.

While my mom was plotting
erica's rise to stardom,

I was planning
barry's fall from grace.

I'd win the cold war

By taking away the one thing
he loved most...

His hot lady friend.

Hi, um, lainey.

Look, I know I showed my bra
to dave kim for five bucks,

But it's not, like,
a thing.

No. I'm afraid
I'm the bearer
of bad news.

Barry asked me
to come here

And terminate
your relationship.

Yeah, that's just not
realistic, dude.

Damn it.

What's going on
with you two?

He broke
my video camera.

Why would he do that?

I told him I liked
sweet barry.

Turns out,
there is no sweet barry...

Only yelly,
punchy barry.

I don't want to say
that you could do better,

But we're all thinking it.

Hmm.

You are so dead!

Am I?
'cause I've never
felt more alive.

Lainey said she had to think
about our future.

I can't have her thinking.

What if she sees me
for what I am?

Well, maybe you should have
thought of that

Before you were
who you are.

I...Feel...Anger!

What the hell?

Where's all your nerd stuff
for me to stomp on?

Put it all in storage.

Now I live in a room
without joy and happiness.

In...Your...Face.

I can't believe it.

You actually beat me.

April fools'.

Adult adam: As my brother
was preparing to take me down,

Tiffany was preparing
to take the stage

In front of a thousand
screaming teenage girls.

Erica: Sorry, guys.

Just got to squeeze
right through you.
Yeah, thanks.

Oh, excuse me. Hi.
I'm er... I'm, uh, riki gold.

And, uh,
I just wanted to know

If you could give
this demo tape to tiffany

And let her know
that I recorded it

On my broken boom box
in my bathroom,

Which isn't
totally soundproof.

You can kind of hear my dad
yelling in the background.

But in the end, uh, my voice
totally shines through.

Sure thing, kid.

Oh, my god.
It actually worked.

Adult adam:
It did not work.

Every other girl in town
had a demo tape, too.

Wow.
That's a lot of tapes.

But riki gold
had a plan b...

Sneak up to the tour bus
and get discovered

By singing directly
to tiffany herself.
It was foolproof!

What the hell?

Unfortunately,
every other fool in town...

Excuse me. Sorry.
Pardon me.
...Had the exact same plan.

Lainey,
what are you doing here?

Duh.
I want to be famous.

Uh, no, wanting to be famous
is my thing.

Hi, girls. Scooch over.
Scooch.

Oh, my god.
Why are you here?

You parents maybe
made me question

Some of my life choices.

Sort of my last gasp here.
Really need this win.
(note plays)

No, this is my plan.

(playing guitar)
¶ children, behave

¶ running
just as fast as we can

¶ holding on
to one another's hands

(engine revs)
¶ trying to get away

¶ into the night ¶
night!

Tiffany!
Tiffany!

Adult adam:
Erica's dreams of stardom

Were literally driving away
before her very eyes.

Meanwhile, barry's dream
of obliterating me

Was about to become reality.

For years, he held onto
a secret weapon...

Something so powerful
that it could
only be unleashed

In a time of true war.

And that time was now.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Oh, no.

I had taken
barry's girlfriend,

And he would take my dignity
by unleashing

The most embarrassing
sears glamour portrait

The world had ever seen,
knee-high socks and all.

Oh, no! (groans)

Barry.

Hey, buddy.
What brings you by?

How?
I destroyed this photo!

You mean...
This one?

The one where
mom dragged you
to a studio photographer

Dressed like a sad,
little dandy?

And I will post it
all over the school.

No! You can't!

That will completely
destroy me!

Oh, my god.
Pops was right!
No one wins a war.

Actually,
somebody does win...

Whoever's got
the bigger nuke.

And I've got
the adam bomb.

Adult adam:
My mom had officially
dedicated her life

To managing my sister's
music career.

Only problem,
erica had no idea.

Erica: What the...

Why is my awful
10th grade yearbook photo

On t-shirts, buttons,
and bumper stickers?

Because your momager
got you your first gig.

You're playing
the del ennis bowling lanes

At 10:00 a.M. On Tuesday!

Who's gonna be
at the del ennis lanes
at 10:00 a.M. On a Tuesday?

Well, del will be there
and bonnie, his wife.
She rents the shoes.

And, uh, I'll be there
selling these
puffy paint t-shirts.

Hmm? (chuckles)

If del allows it.

He's trying to take
a cut of the merch.
I'm into it with him.

You don't need to know
the details.

Mom, maybe,
I should...
No.

You were right about me.

I've supported you
your whole life.

But when it really mattered,
when you really needed me,
I panicked.

Well, from now on,
we're in this together...

All day, every day,
on the tour bus, in hotels,

You and your biggest fan,
your mama.

That's why, I'm gonna
momage you
straight to the top.

I'm gonna make sure
no one ever smushes
your dreams again.

You have to smush
my dreams.
Murray: No, no, no.

I'm out of that game.
From now on, I'm a pusher.

No, mom's the pusher.
We can't have two pushers.

Then I'll actually have
to follow through on things.

Wait, I...I thought
this is what you wanted.

Don't give it up just 'cause
your mom bought
a bunch of puffy paint.

It's not just mom.

I went to that mall,
and I realized

There's a million girls
out there just like me.

And the truth is,
you were right.

I just don't have a shot.

Adult adam:
As erica was giving up
on her dreams,

Barry was about to obliterate
my reality.

(cheering)

Hey.
What's going on?

Dude, it's crazy.
The berlin wall just fell.

Adult adam:
It was one of those moments

You remember
for the rest of your life.

A country divided,
coming together

For a shining moment of peace.

And as barry
watched it all unfold,

He realized
it was time to end

The war at home.

My camera!
How did you get
the money to fix it?

I sold my barkley shoe
back to dave sirota.

But what about the photo?

You were about to drop
the adam bomb.

I saw something today
that changed me.

David hasselhoff was on top
of the great wall of china

In a light-up jacket
singing about freedom.

And it occurred to me,
if knight rider can make
can make east and west russia

Find common ground,
maybe we can, too.

While your facts
are wildly off,

Your spirit
is right on the money.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sure, I'm athletic
and enjoy awesome stuff

While everything
you know and love

Is for losers
who suck at life,

But even though we're from
two different worlds,

I believe we can live
in harmony.

Wait. You gave me back
what I love.

Time to return the favor.

(rapping)
¶ I'm a bad boy

¶ but a good guy

¶ on the outside, I'm tough

¶ on the inside, I cry

¶ I'm always on the streets

¶ rhymin' and schemin'

¶ but when I think
of your face
I get sensitive feelings

¶ I mouth off to the cops

¶ and get myself in trouble

¶ but when you bail be out
we watch splash and cuddle

¶ see, I'm a bad boy

¶ but a sweet guy

¶ I get in trouble

¶ and I don't know why

¶ so take big tasty back

¶ you know you can't resist

¶ so on a humbler note
I really need this ¶

That was...
Uncomfortable.

Point is,
he got my camera fixed.

That's sweet.

He really is a good brother.

You're not so bad
yourself.

(tiffany's I think
we're alone now plays)

Here. For your demo.

But we agreed
you were gonna talk to mom.

And I will.

But I just need you to know

That there's nobody else
out there like you. Nobody.

Look.
I got my dream.

I got this house,
I got the family, I got you.

And if this is what
you really want,
I say go for it.

To a parent,
that's scary as hell.

But I can't have you
live your life

Thinking
I held you back.

¶ children, behave
dad.

Yeah?

What you said,
that was really, um...

¶ and watch how you play

Thank you.
¶ they don't understand

Anything for you,
peanut.

Adult adam: That's the thing
about family.

You fight, you argue,
you wage all-out war,
but at the end of the day,

You're always
on the same side.

¶ tryin' to get away

¶ into the night
'cause in a world
where everyone

Tries to smush you down,

The one thing you got
is your family
to push you forward.

¶ I think we're alone now

¶ there doesn't seem to be
anyone around

That's my superstar
client.

You're not gonna be
the momager.
We'll see.

¶ ...Is the only sound ¶

Glad that's
gone forever.
(chuckles)

(ding)

Riki gold, big tasty,

Thank you for meeting me
on such short notice.

Meeting?
We're eating breakfast.

Let me cut to the chase.

What I'm looking at
are two musical giants

On the precipice of greatness,

And as your momager...

No! (laughs)
no!

...I present
"the tasty gold experience."

Even better,
I won't even take 10%.

You can pay me
in huggies and smoochies.

Both: No!