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1
00:00:00,266 --> 00:00:02,501
Adult adam: Back in the '80s, my mom forced us to take
2
00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:06,505
The most embarrassing family photos in human history.
3
00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:07,940
Did we agree because we loved her?
4
00:00:07,942 --> 00:00:11,143
Oh, god, no. We did it 'cause she guilted us.
5
00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:12,978
This is
so brutal.
6
00:00:12,980 --> 00:00:14,446
But one day,
when you abandon me
7
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:16,482
In an old-age home
and never visit,
8
00:00:16,484 --> 00:00:17,683
You'll look
at these pictures
9
00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:19,184
And remember
how much I loved you.
10
00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:21,120
Now, everybody
say mahalo.
11
00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:22,154
All: Mahalo!
12
00:00:22,156 --> 00:00:24,390
And her guilting wasn't just for family photos.
13
00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:26,492
It was for family everything.
14
00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:27,860
Baby, if you don't eat,
15
00:00:27,862 --> 00:00:29,595
Then I have failed
as a mother.
16
00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:32,998
I'm gonna die one day,
but have fun
with your friends.
17
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,434
When I die,
don't have a funeral.
18
00:00:35,436 --> 00:00:37,002
I don't want to take up
anybody's time.
19
00:00:37,004 --> 00:00:39,538
And then there was her signature guilt move.
20
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,540
If we were driving, and she didn't get her way,
21
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:44,943
She'd jump out of the car and threaten to walk home.
22
00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:46,078
Get back in the car,
mom!
23
00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:49,515
We want to have a picnic
with you, okay?
Barry: Yeah!
24
00:00:49,517 --> 00:00:52,818
I'm so stoked to eat
chicken salad on the ground!
25
00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:56,121
Well, if that's what you want,
then...Yay! Picnic!
26
00:00:56,123 --> 00:00:59,224
Yep. It was her guilt world, and we were just living in it.
27
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:00,192
Hey, where are
the car keys?
28
00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:01,260
We're gonna grab a bite
before the movie.
29
00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:04,430
Movie? I thought
we had plans
to bedazzle all day.
30
00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:06,131
I think you might have
dreamed that.
31
00:01:06,133 --> 00:01:08,500
Well, it's possible,
but we're all set up,
32
00:01:08,502 --> 00:01:11,637
So let's make those
drab clothes sparkle, huh?
33
00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:14,440
Oh, no. What is that?
Oh, my god!
34
00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:15,441
It's a harlequin clown
35
00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:18,143
Riding a unicorn
high fiving a dolphin. Duh!
36
00:01:18,145 --> 00:01:21,280
Yeah, I think
we're gonna pass
on the debazzler.
37
00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:22,948
Okay, now you're just
embarrassing yourself.
38
00:01:22,950 --> 00:01:27,820
It's bedazzler,
as in regular items
become dazzled.
39
00:01:27,822 --> 00:01:30,055
(scoffs)
and if you don't
wanna do that,
40
00:01:30,057 --> 00:01:31,723
I'll just join you
at the movie.
41
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:32,391
No way!
Oh, my god!
42
00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:35,427
Come on. I hardly ever
get to see you anymore,
43
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:38,030
And you're both
growing up so fast, and...
44
00:01:38,032 --> 00:01:40,566
You did promise
we'd spend the day together.
45
00:01:40,568 --> 00:01:42,668
Again, that was a dream.
46
00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:44,269
(sighs)
it'll be fun.
47
00:01:44,271 --> 00:01:46,505
Afterwards,
we can grab a bite,
48
00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:47,706
Split a giant cookie,
49
00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:49,074
You can ride
the little mall train
50
00:01:49,076 --> 00:01:50,909
If you're still into it.
Ain't no thang.
51
00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:53,946
Okay, here is the thang.
No.
52
00:01:53,948 --> 00:01:56,014
Wow. I am being rejected
by two people
53
00:01:56,016 --> 00:02:00,352
Who were tethered
to my body for nine months
by a food cord.
54
00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:02,454
(sighs)
that's right.
Everything I ate,
55
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:05,357
You got a tiny,
mushed-up version of.
Everything!
56
00:02:05,359 --> 00:02:07,559
I don't think
that's how
science works.
57
00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:08,560
You know what? Go.
58
00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:10,062
I'm not even sad.
I'm great.
59
00:02:10,064 --> 00:02:13,432
Aw, come on.
Not the little
pack of tissues!
60
00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:15,968
Barry: Mom tears are
the worst tears ever!
61
00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:18,003
Fine. Well,
if we have no choice...
62
00:02:18,005 --> 00:02:21,073
Oh, that's so sweet!
And don't you worry.
63
00:02:21,075 --> 00:02:23,909
I promise you won't even
notice I'm there.
64
00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:26,712
Hey, check out
my new jacket.
65
00:02:27,847 --> 00:02:30,215
Oh, no!
Oh, my god!
66
00:02:31,451 --> 00:02:32,784
¶ I'm twisted up inside
67
00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:37,189
¶ but nonetheless I feel the need to say
68
00:02:39,058 --> 00:02:40,159
¶ I don't know the future
69
00:02:40,161 --> 00:02:44,363
¶ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶
70
00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:46,231
Adult adam: It was may 11, 1980, something,
71
00:02:46,233 --> 00:02:47,699
And my dad was pumped to spend the day
72
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:50,836
With his one true love... The phillies.
73
00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:52,704
Hello, wonderful family,
74
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:55,841
Who I'm not gonna
be seeing for the next
75
00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:58,277
Six glorious hours!
76
00:02:58,279 --> 00:02:59,178
Wait.
Where are you going?
77
00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:00,479
To the phillies game
with vic.
78
00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:02,915
You never told me that.
Did you mark it
in the calendar?
79
00:03:02,917 --> 00:03:05,384
You have a calendar?
Where's this calendar?
It's on my desk.
80
00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:08,620
Wait, you've got a desk?
Where's this desk?
81
00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:09,188
You can't go.
82
00:03:09,190 --> 00:03:12,324
Erica and barry
have graciously invited me
83
00:03:12,326 --> 00:03:15,761
To see a scary/sexy
teen-vampire movie.
84
00:03:15,763 --> 00:03:17,696
Who is gonna watch
the baby?
85
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:18,997
Is that me?
It is.
86
00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:21,733
I told you.
I'm not the baby!
87
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:22,501
I'm a grown, adult man!
88
00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:24,703
And could you please
start this orange?
89
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:25,337
Come on, bevy!
90
00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:27,406
Can't the boy stay home
alone for the day?
91
00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:30,142
I mean, he is 11
or 14 or whatever.
92
00:03:30,144 --> 00:03:32,211
No! The last time
I went out power walking,
93
00:03:32,213 --> 00:03:36,114
I came home and found him
hiding in the broom closet.
94
00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:36,815
See, that's on you,
95
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,684
'cause you bought
a house with a ghost.
96
00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:41,987
Again with the ghost.
There are no ghosts!
Sure.
97
00:03:41,989 --> 00:03:44,489
People don't die
with unfinished business.
98
00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:45,724
Must be nice
to live in your world.
99
00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:48,360
Okay. We're going
to the ballgame.
Go get your glove.
100
00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:52,197
My michael jackson glove
or my nintendo power glove?
101
00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:53,365
Really?
102
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:55,601
And so, my dad took me to watch the phillies play
103
00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:59,338
At old veterans stadium, a beautiful world-class arena...
104
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:00,138
When it was built.
105
00:04:00,140 --> 00:04:03,742
Now it was falling apart at the seams, but we loved it anyway.
106
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:04,376
Dad, I got to pee.
107
00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:07,312
Well, the bathroom's
right up there.
Go ahead.
108
00:04:07,314 --> 00:04:08,380
You want me to go
by myself?
109
00:04:08,382 --> 00:04:11,683
Yeah. Forget what
your mother said.
You're not a baby.
110
00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,885
Now stop acting
like a moron and go!
111
00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:15,153
Adult adam: But I didn't have the guts,
112
00:04:15,155 --> 00:04:18,724
So my dad took me, like the little moron baby I was.
113
00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:20,025
The men's room at veterans stadium
114
00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:24,263
Was a nightmarish hellscape of people and pee everywhere.
115
00:04:24,265 --> 00:04:26,064
What's that?
It's a trough.
116
00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:29,268
Aim for a cigarette butt
and make a game of it.
117
00:04:29,270 --> 00:04:31,870
(stuttering)
but where's
the dividers?
118
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,305
Where's the handle
to flush?
119
00:04:33,307 --> 00:04:35,007
Where's the dignity,
man?
120
00:04:35,009 --> 00:04:39,011
If you don't like it,
use the stall.
121
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:42,147
(door creaking)
122
00:04:42,915 --> 00:04:44,650
Mother of mercy.
123
00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:45,517
(softly)
what happened in there?
124
00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:48,687
(softly)
it's on the walls.
It's on the walls.
125
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:54,126
Please hurry it up.
I feel weird being in here
not doing anything.
126
00:05:00,199 --> 00:05:01,133
Adult adam:
In that moment,
127
00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:04,736
I had what all men experience at one point or another...
128
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:05,937
Stage fright.
129
00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:06,538
I couldn't go.
130
00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:10,108
My mind said yes, but my bladder said no.
131
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:11,843
I'm done. Let's get
the hell out of here
132
00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:14,313
So I can breathe
through my nose again.
133
00:05:14,315 --> 00:05:15,747
While I was running away from my fears,
134
00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:19,117
Barry and erica were sitting through a real horror show,
135
00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:21,620
And I don't mean the movie.
136
00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:22,888
So, which boy is lost?
137
00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:25,324
His poor mother
must be going insane.
138
00:05:25,326 --> 00:05:25,957
Both: Shh!
139
00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:28,193
Oh! I snuck in
some snacks.
(packets rustling)
140
00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:31,496
Got microwave popcorn,
some chips,
141
00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,465
And a beautiful tomato.
142
00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:34,399
I don't want a tomato.
143
00:05:34,401 --> 00:05:38,403
Well, it's the last day
before it turns.
Somebody's gonna eat it.
144
00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:41,773
(beverly sighs)
145
00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:43,809
This has been
the best day.
146
00:05:43,811 --> 00:05:46,812
(chuckling) yeah.
It's a real shame it's over.
147
00:05:46,814 --> 00:05:47,612
Oh, it doesn't have to be.
148
00:05:47,614 --> 00:05:49,948
I'm gonna make us a dinner
reservation at red lobster.
149
00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:53,585
Now, it's not lobstober
or shrimptember or clamuary,
150
00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:56,521
So you're gonna
have to order carefully.
151
00:05:56,923 --> 00:05:58,690
What the hell
happened out there?
152
00:05:58,692 --> 00:05:59,391
Mom happened.
153
00:05:59,393 --> 00:06:01,693
(moans)
you know,
she guilted us
154
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:02,794
Into hanging out
with her again.
155
00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,062
You know, it is
seriously not normal
156
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:07,132
For teenagers to spend
this much time
with their mothers.
157
00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:09,101
I rode the train, man!
158
00:06:09,103 --> 00:06:11,837
I rode the tiny train!
159
00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:12,204
Look.
160
00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:14,473
She took a picture
and everything!
Pops: Okay.
161
00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:17,976
I can't watch you suffer
like this anymore.
162
00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:20,379
Follow me. I'm about
to change your lives.
163
00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:24,182
How?
I'm gonna teach you
how to defeat your mother.
164
00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:26,251
(tense music playing)
it's natural for teenagers
165
00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:28,553
To separate
from their parents.
166
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,288
But your mother
loves you so much,
167
00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:31,523
She'll never
let that happen.
168
00:06:31,525 --> 00:06:33,592
That's why
it's my job to...
169
00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:35,060
Why are you
wearing that outfit?
170
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:37,496
You're gonna teach us
how to fight mom, right?
171
00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:41,633
No! I'm gonna teach you
to combat her guilt.
172
00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:44,102
Ohhh! That makes
more sense.
173
00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:44,870
Should I go change back?
174
00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:46,104
Just focus on me.
He'll get what he gets.
175
00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:49,608
If you've noticed,
when your mom
tries to guilt me,
176
00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:50,809
It doesn't work.
177
00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:54,012
That's because
of my simple mantra...
178
00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:56,047
"it's not real. Don't feel."
179
00:06:56,049 --> 00:06:58,417
What's not real?
The pain she's in.
180
00:06:58,419 --> 00:07:01,953
Her guilt and tears
are just a manipulation.
181
00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:02,721
Don't fall for it.
182
00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:04,289
Pops, if your thing
was so easy,
183
00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:06,391
We would have done it
a long time ago.
184
00:07:06,393 --> 00:07:08,059
Oh, you're right.
185
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,495
I'm just a silly old man.
186
00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:11,930
I...I should just go home,
187
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:14,733
Ball up my socks,
and go to bed.
188
00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:17,135
No, don't. I'm sorry.
Don't do that! We love you!
189
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,870
It's not real! Don't feel!
190
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,639
Wait.
That was just an act?
191
00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:23,608
Yes! My god,
you're weak and soft!
192
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:26,945
Say it with me.
"it's not real. Don't feel."
193
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,680
Both: It's not real.
Don't feel.
194
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:32,317
Louder!
Both: It's not real!
Don't feel!
195
00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:34,186
Not that loud.
She'll hear you,
196
00:07:34,188 --> 00:07:35,187
And then,
we're all in trouble.
197
00:07:35,189 --> 00:07:38,356
Adult adam:
As my brother and sister were learning to fight back,
198
00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:42,761
I was battling the 64 ounces of mountain dew in my bladder!
199
00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:44,696
Dad,
I have to pee again.
200
00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:46,131
What? You just went!
201
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:48,400
All right, I'm not gonna
sugarcoat this.
202
00:07:48,402 --> 00:07:49,167
My bladder shut down.
203
00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:50,836
There's too much pressure
at the trough.
204
00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:52,304
Well, why don't you use
the damn stall?
205
00:07:52,306 --> 00:07:54,339
Don't speak
of the stall... Ever!
206
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:56,875
Well, it's too late.
The bases are loaded.
207
00:07:56,877 --> 00:07:59,110
I'm not taking you again.
So just go!
208
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:00,712
Isn't there some
private executive washroom
209
00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:04,616
With scented soaps
instead of a giant
metal river of whiz?
210
00:08:04,618 --> 00:08:07,185
When will the hand-holding
end, already?
211
00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:09,621
For once in your life,
be a man.
212
00:08:09,623 --> 00:08:10,522
You don't think
I'm a man?
213
00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:14,059
All right, let me
answer that question
with this question.
214
00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:17,095
What superhero is on your
underwear right now?
215
00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:20,165
I outgrew those
months ago!
Uh-huh.
216
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:21,433
I'll show you!
I'll go!
217
00:08:21,435 --> 00:08:23,668
Go!
Fine! I'm going!
218
00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:25,804
Good! You're doing
what I want you to do!
219
00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:27,138
Adult adam: Sure, I was mad at my dad,
220
00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:29,941
But mostly, I was mad at myself, 'cause he was right.
221
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:32,677
So I set out to prove my manhood once and for all,
222
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:36,648
And the first step was going potty by myself!
223
00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:37,115
Nope.
224
00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:39,518
Excuse me. Which way
to the upper level?
225
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:41,753
I'm thinking
the higher you go,
the fancier it gets.
226
00:08:41,755 --> 00:08:43,522
So I headed up to what I figured
227
00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:47,025
Was the super-fancy 700 level.
228
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,827
Not fancy.
Not fancy.
229
00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:50,896
I finally gave up and headed back to my seats.
230
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:55,400
Just one problem... I had no idea where my seats were.
231
00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:05,744
Oh, balls!
232
00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:08,980
Early bird dinner was over,
233
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:13,118
And erica and barry had been with my mom for six straight hours.
234
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,120
She was going for seven.
235
00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:16,721
Wow. I am stuffed.
236
00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:18,256
(chuckles)
what do you say
we go home
237
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:19,824
And burn off
some of these calories
238
00:09:19,826 --> 00:09:21,459
With a little bedazzling?
239
00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:22,594
Ugh! Make it stop!
240
00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:24,062
It's too much
time with you!
241
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,230
I'm sorry, but I'm done.
242
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:28,533
If spending time
with your mother
is some kind of torture,
243
00:09:28,535 --> 00:09:29,968
Then I'll just walk home.
244
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:30,535
Stop the car.
245
00:09:30,537 --> 00:09:32,837
Adult adam: And there it was, her signature guilt move...
246
00:09:32,839 --> 00:09:37,108
Storming out of the car and making us beg her to come back.
247
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:37,943
Here I go.
248
00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:40,478
I'll probably get
flattened by a truck,
249
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:41,212
Not that you'd care.
250
00:09:41,214 --> 00:09:44,749
Aw, man!
She's out of the car!
Now what do we do?
251
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:45,350
Nothing.
252
00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:49,254
Remember what pops said?
"it's not real. Don't feel."
253
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:49,721
I'm walking!
254
00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:51,289
We should just drive off
and let her walk home.
255
00:09:51,291 --> 00:09:55,026
You heard her.
She could be
flattened by a truck!
256
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:55,794
She's not a squirrel!
257
00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:58,563
We're 10 minutes
from home.
She'll be fine.
258
00:09:58,565 --> 00:10:00,332
I'm walking.
259
00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:02,901
All right, we need
to take a stand
and drive away.
260
00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:04,869
Are you with me?
I don't know!
261
00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:05,570
Still walking!
262
00:10:05,572 --> 00:10:08,506
I need you to look me
in the eye and say
you are with me.
263
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:09,274
I'm with you!
264
00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:12,944
God save my soul,
I'm with you!
265
00:10:13,813 --> 00:10:15,780
(engine revs)
266
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:18,016
I knew you'd come
to your senses.
267
00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:20,652
We're doing it!
This is really happening!
268
00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:23,888
I've never felt
so alive in my life!
269
00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:26,691
Adult adam:
As my brother and sister were flying high,
270
00:10:26,693 --> 00:10:29,661
My dad was crashing down to reality.
271
00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:30,962
Damn it. Where is he?
272
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,397
See, back before cellphones,
273
00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:34,666
Getting lost was a much bigger deal.
274
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:36,401
I'm fine. It's fine.
275
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:38,136
It's all gonna be fine.
276
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:42,674
So I'm hungry and alone
and may never be rescued.
277
00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:43,441
It's good times.
278
00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:45,076
The only way to actually find someone
279
00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:47,379
Was to shout their name really loud.
280
00:10:47,381 --> 00:10:47,746
Adam?
281
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:50,382
When that didn't work, my dad decided to awkwardly approach anyone
282
00:10:50,384 --> 00:10:53,084
Who even looked a little like me.
283
00:10:53,886 --> 00:10:55,120
Tiny lady. Sorry.
284
00:10:55,122 --> 00:10:57,656
Meanwhile, the more I ran around, the more lost I got.
285
00:10:57,658 --> 00:11:01,660
Luckily, my dad came up with the perfect plan to track me down.
286
00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:03,828
Whoa, whoa.
Slow it down there, boss.
287
00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:04,663
That's a restricted area.
288
00:11:04,665 --> 00:11:06,031
Yeah, yeah.
I got separated
from my son,
289
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:09,267
And I need to make
an announcement
to the entire stadium.
290
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:10,168
Okay, that makes sense.
291
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:11,803
This kid of yours...
What's he look like?
292
00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:14,873
I don't know. He's a boy.
He's normal-looking.
293
00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:16,374
He's got hair, a face.
294
00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:17,542
I...I don't look at him much.
295
00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:20,612
Uh-huh. And, uh,
how old is this boy?
296
00:11:20,614 --> 00:11:21,713
Eleven.
297
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:23,114
Or... 14.
298
00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:24,382
Can I just go
make my announcement?
299
00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:27,852
Oh, yeah, sure.
And after, you wanna
visit the dugout
300
00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:29,387
Or shower in
the locker room?
301
00:11:29,389 --> 00:11:30,622
Very funny.
Hey,
302
00:11:30,624 --> 00:11:31,890
How are your
fielding skills?
303
00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:32,724
You wanna play shortstop?
304
00:11:32,726 --> 00:11:35,226
Just know I will make it
through that door.
305
00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:38,263
Better yet, why don't
I have two of my friends
306
00:11:38,265 --> 00:11:40,665
Escort you to
the vip section?
307
00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:43,735
(sighs)
308
00:11:44,036 --> 00:11:45,470
(lock rattles)
309
00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:47,739
My kid's in there!
310
00:11:48,474 --> 00:11:50,742
Adult adam: While my dad had hit an all-time low,
311
00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:53,611
Barry and erica were riding high.
312
00:11:53,613 --> 00:11:54,612
Dude, we did it!
313
00:11:54,614 --> 00:11:56,715
For once, we didn't
give in to her guilt!
314
00:11:56,717 --> 00:11:59,718
I know!
We totally drove away!
315
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:03,221
I feel so exhilarated,
like I just killed a man!
316
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,523
Exactly! Wait. What?
Barry: Pops,
317
00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:06,991
We did just like you said
with mom.
318
00:12:06,993 --> 00:12:10,261
Way to go, kiddos.
I want to hear all about it.
319
00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:13,531
You know that thing mom does
when she storms out of the car
320
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,200
And then you have to
beg her to get back in?
321
00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:16,434
Oh, yeah...
The big guns.
Barry: Well,
322
00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:20,405
We left her on the side of
the road like an old mattress!
323
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:21,940
Boom!
324
00:12:22,041 --> 00:12:23,007
What? Are you nuts?
325
00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:27,045
You don't leave your mother
on the side of the road!
Who does that?
326
00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:28,847
That's exactly
what you said to do.
327
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:30,482
That's not
what I said at all!
328
00:12:30,484 --> 00:12:31,883
Why are you making us
feel guilty?
329
00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:32,951
I thought
you were on our side!
330
00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:34,552
My god!
What have you done?
331
00:12:34,554 --> 00:12:38,123
(doorbell rings)
everybody just chill,
okay?
332
00:12:38,125 --> 00:12:40,558
That's her.
She's fine.
333
00:12:41,193 --> 00:12:41,726
Evening.
334
00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:43,528
It was the old man!
He put us up to it!
335
00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:45,730
They misunderstood
my rhyme!
336
00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:48,333
It doesn't matter.
Is our mom okay?
337
00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:49,601
She's fine.
I gave her a lift.
338
00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:52,237
Lucky for her,
I was driving down
old york road
339
00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:53,138
And was temporarily blinded
340
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:55,640
By the sunlight reflecting
off of her bejeweled jacket.
341
00:12:55,642 --> 00:12:59,477
Where is she?
In the back of my cruiser
with a little pack of tissues.
342
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:01,346
She's pretty certain
she failed as a mother.
343
00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:04,315
I know this looks bad,
but you have to understand
344
00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:06,084
She uses guilt
to get her way.
345
00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:07,752
So...
She's like every mom.
346
00:13:07,754 --> 00:13:13,091
Except in this case,
you abandoned her
on the side of the road.
347
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:14,726
Shame on you.
348
00:13:14,827 --> 00:13:16,761
Officer: Shame.
349
00:13:18,597 --> 00:13:22,100
Thank you for seeing me
home safely, officer.
350
00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:23,568
It was very kind.
351
00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:26,604
You must be
a wonderful son.
352
00:13:27,606 --> 00:13:28,573
Mom...
353
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:29,574
Bup-bup-bup.
354
00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:32,343
I have one thing
to say to you.
355
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:34,946
That was (bleep) up.
356
00:13:34,948 --> 00:13:39,184
Adult adam: Only one person felt worse than barry and erica... My dad.
357
00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:40,318
He was so desperate to find me
358
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,787
That he sought help in the most unlikely of places...
359
00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:46,057
A parking lot full of philly tailgaters.
360
00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:46,457
Hey.
361
00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:47,759
You guys got an extra ticket
you could sell me?
362
00:13:47,761 --> 00:13:50,862
I...I got tossed out
of the stadium.
I need to get back in.
363
00:13:50,864 --> 00:13:51,796
Why'd you get ejected,
chief?
364
00:13:51,798 --> 00:13:56,434
Um, I got into it
with a security guard
because I lost my son.
365
00:13:56,436 --> 00:13:57,836
In veterans stadium?
366
00:13:57,838 --> 00:14:01,339
Damn, that is just some
bad parenting right there.
367
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:04,209
I never let my little fella
out of my sight.
368
00:14:04,211 --> 00:14:05,877
(sizzling)
369
00:14:06,111 --> 00:14:06,611
Tell you what.
370
00:14:06,613 --> 00:14:08,913
Let me cb the other camps
around the stadium,
371
00:14:08,915 --> 00:14:10,281
See if anybody's
seen your kid.
372
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:13,151
Wow. You'd do that?
Well, thank you.
373
00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:16,287
It's what phillies fans do.
So, how old is he?
What does he look like?
374
00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:19,257
Why's everybody
need to know that?
375
00:14:19,925 --> 00:14:21,960
Hey.
I...I'm kind of lost.
376
00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:23,428
Could you please
help me find my dad?
377
00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:25,396
Of course, we can help you
find your dad.
378
00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:29,634
Why don't you step over there
with the other lost kids?
379
00:14:30,669 --> 00:14:33,438
Adult adam:
As I looked at that line of lost little tykes,
380
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:34,405
I knew I couldn't join them.
381
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:38,343
I finally had to man up and become the 11- or 14-year-old
382
00:14:38,345 --> 00:14:40,078
My dad wanted me to be.
383
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,112
No! Not today!
384
00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:44,983
I'm lost, I'm starving,
and I still haven't peed,
385
00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:47,352
But I will survive!
386
00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:52,323
As I was finally confronting the most disgusting bathroom in the world,
387
00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:54,259
Erica and barry were about to face
388
00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:57,328
The most emotionally manipulative mother
389
00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:58,696
In the universe.
390
00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:00,231
Hey, mama.
391
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,835
I don't think
she heard you.
Do it again.
392
00:15:03,837 --> 00:15:04,235
Hey.
393
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,871
Oh, stop it. I heard you.
I'm just not answering.
394
00:15:06,873 --> 00:15:08,306
We feel horrible.
395
00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:09,574
And we made
a little peace offering
396
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:11,109
To show you
how sorry we are.
397
00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:13,912
It's a picture
of you. See?
398
00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:14,913
You're smiling,
like you used to
399
00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:18,016
Before we ditched you
on the side of the road
like human trash.
400
00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:22,086
Your shading and tones
don't quite capture
my loving essence,
401
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,955
But I appreciate
the effort.
402
00:15:23,957 --> 00:15:24,822
Maybe you could teach us.
403
00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:27,892
How does that sound?
We bedazzle for
the rest of the day.
404
00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:29,460
Well, that's
a good first step,
405
00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:30,728
But it's gonna take
a lot more
406
00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:32,530
Than rhinestones
and glitter
407
00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:34,032
To make up
for what you did.
408
00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:36,234
Name it. Anything.
409
00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:37,835
I want huggies.
Fine.
410
00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:38,603
And snuggies.
On it.
411
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,338
And kissies.
Absolutely.
412
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:41,873
And nubbies.
413
00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:42,941
Lots and lots of nubbies.
414
00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:46,644
I don't know what that is,
and I'm scared to find out,
but sure.
415
00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:48,680
We're gonna go set up
the bedazzler.
416
00:15:48,682 --> 00:15:50,415
We'll meet you upstairs.
417
00:15:51,650 --> 00:15:54,152
Adult adam:
And just like that, my mother realized
418
00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:55,386
That getting abandoned on the side of the road
419
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:57,989
Was the best thing that could have happened to her.
420
00:15:57,991 --> 00:16:00,792
Erica: Mom,
are you coming?
421
00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:03,328
I'll be there in a minute.
422
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:05,830
Adult adam: It was the bottom of the ninth.
423
00:16:05,832 --> 00:16:07,999
I was still lost, but at least I wasn't alone.
424
00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:12,870
I guess I just really
want to show my dad what
I'm made of, you know?
425
00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:16,007
In here.
Does that make sense?
426
00:16:16,742 --> 00:16:17,608
(noisemaker blows)
427
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:19,410
Okay, you've done that
three times.
428
00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:20,211
I don't know
what that means.
429
00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:22,814
Adult adam:
As I was getting annoyed with my new green friend,
430
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:24,282
Barry and erica were bedazzling
431
00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:26,918
With all the colors of the rainbow.
432
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:27,652
What's all this?
433
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:31,622
Oh, just a bunch
of bedazzmanian devils
going crazy!
434
00:16:31,624 --> 00:16:33,157
(imitates tasmanian devil)
435
00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:35,126
(chuckles)
it's been a fun hour.
436
00:16:35,128 --> 00:16:36,461
You know what?
We're out of silver studs.
437
00:16:36,463 --> 00:16:38,763
I'm gonna go get some
from my craft drawer.
438
00:16:38,765 --> 00:16:39,764
Yes! We need more.
439
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:43,434
This is so fun!
(chuckles)
help us.
440
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,870
I'm sorry.
You hurt her for real.
441
00:16:45,872 --> 00:16:47,105
You got to pay the price.
442
00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:49,807
But we bedazzled
everything.
443
00:16:49,809 --> 00:16:50,341
Look.
444
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,076
I even bedazzled
my flyers jersey,
445
00:16:52,078 --> 00:16:54,812
And in some weird way,
I think it looks amazing.
446
00:16:54,814 --> 00:16:58,182
And what are nubbies?
What are nubbies?
447
00:16:58,184 --> 00:16:59,851
She said "nubbies"?
448
00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:01,886
Oh, you're way too old
for that.
449
00:17:01,888 --> 00:17:03,721
I'll talk to her.
450
00:17:04,423 --> 00:17:05,056
Bevy, listen,
451
00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:08,593
The kids don't deserve
all the blame
for what they did.
452
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:12,797
I may have taught them
how to stand up to your guilt.
453
00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:14,532
That was you?
454
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,534
Thank you so much.
455
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,770
Thank you for this
wonderful gift.
456
00:17:18,772 --> 00:17:22,140
(stuttering) wait.
What's happening?
You're not angry?
457
00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:24,976
This is literally
my dream come true.
458
00:17:24,978 --> 00:17:26,577
Now they're under
my thumb forever.
459
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:29,447
I get to decide
how they live,
who they marry,
460
00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:31,115
Where they take me
on vacation,
461
00:17:31,117 --> 00:17:34,485
And all because they left me
on the side of the road.
462
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:37,255
Honey, you can't
hold them hostage
with guilt
463
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:38,189
For the rest
of their lives.
464
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,391
They're just gonna
end up resenting you.
465
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:43,494
But...What else
am I supposed to do?
466
00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:45,129
I'm their mom.
If it were up to them,
467
00:17:45,131 --> 00:17:46,264
They'd never
spend time with me.
468
00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:50,401
Have you ever wondered
why they love hanging out
with me so much?
469
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,470
'cause I don't
force them to.
470
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:56,541
Also, I'm pretty
frickin' delightful.
471
00:17:56,543 --> 00:17:58,609
You are pretty delightful.
472
00:17:58,611 --> 00:17:59,444
And so are you.
473
00:17:59,446 --> 00:18:03,681
(john hiatt's have a little faith in me playing)
474
00:18:04,349 --> 00:18:07,151
(sighs)
put the stud guns down.
You're free to go.
475
00:18:07,153 --> 00:18:09,320
No, really.
We're having fun.
476
00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:10,221
You're not.
477
00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:12,723
You've done this
long enough,
and we're even.
478
00:18:12,725 --> 00:18:15,393
But we're just trying
to apologize for what we did.
479
00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:18,830
No, I'm the one
who needs to apologize.
480
00:18:22,201 --> 00:18:25,470
I guilt you kids
way too much.
481
00:18:26,071 --> 00:18:27,572
It's just, uh...
482
00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:32,543
When you were little,
all you wanted to do
was spend time with me.
483
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:37,181
And, you know,
a mom gets used to that.
484
00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:39,083
You two will
never understand
485
00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:43,121
How much it hurts
when that goes away.
486
00:18:43,123 --> 00:18:46,824
I think that's just
the way things
are right now.
487
00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:47,592
You know,
488
00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:50,661
We really meant
what we bedazzled.
489
00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:52,263
We do love you.
490
00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:53,264
I know.
491
00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:55,299
Just no nubbies.
492
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:56,300
Deal.
493
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,402
Adult adam:
While my mom had found common ground with barry and erica,
494
00:18:58,404 --> 00:19:02,206
I still hadn't found my dad, but we weren't out of options.
495
00:19:02,208 --> 00:19:03,741
Back then, whenever you got lost,
496
00:19:03,743 --> 00:19:09,013
The last resort was always the same... Meet at the car.
497
00:19:09,848 --> 00:19:12,250
Of course, I had no idea where we were parked,
498
00:19:12,252 --> 00:19:16,454
So I had to wait until every single car was gone.
499
00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:20,525
¶ and have a little faith in me
500
00:19:23,028 --> 00:19:27,098
¶ and have a little faith in me
501
00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:33,004
¶ and have a little faith in me
502
00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:34,372
Adult adam: I was ready to give my dad hell.
503
00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:37,909
I wanted to tell him how I survived on my own and proved him wrong.
504
00:19:37,911 --> 00:19:39,310
I wanted to tell him I was a man.
505
00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:43,548
I wanted to tell him that I didn't need him anymore.
506
00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:46,350
But instead, I did this.
507
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:47,818
(sobbing)
508
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:50,321
(sniffles)
I know.
509
00:19:50,422 --> 00:19:54,158
You're safe.
You're safe.
510
00:19:54,459 --> 00:19:57,395
¶ just turn around and you...
511
00:19:57,397 --> 00:19:59,430
Adult adam: I spent most of that day lost,
512
00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:01,232
But what I remember most is what I found.
513
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:03,534
I found out that I could do okay on my own,
514
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:07,171
And my dad discovered he didn't want me to grow up too fast.
515
00:20:07,173 --> 00:20:10,007
¶ just have a little faith in me ¶
516
00:20:10,009 --> 00:20:11,075
Hey, ma.
517
00:20:11,077 --> 00:20:11,809
Hi.
518
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:13,477
Back from
another normal day.
519
00:20:13,479 --> 00:20:16,314
Well, come into the nook.
(chuckles)
520
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:19,083
It's battle of the network stars,
521
00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:21,219
Fonzie sure can
throw a javelin.
522
00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:23,120
Adult adam:
That's the thing about parents...
523
00:20:23,122 --> 00:20:24,222
They always drive you crazy.
524
00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:27,158
Oh. Got a beautiful tomato
if you're hungry.
525
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:28,693
Mom, enough
with the tomato.
526
00:20:28,695 --> 00:20:30,127
Someone's gonna
eat this thing today.
527
00:20:30,129 --> 00:20:32,163
But in a world where we all get lost sometimes...
528
00:20:32,165 --> 00:20:34,298
Stop! Stop, mom!
Kissy shark!
Kissy shark!
529
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:36,534
Stop! Stop it!
Rah, rah,
rah, rah, rah!
530
00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:37,535
...There's nothing better
531
00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:40,171
Than having people who love you so much,
532
00:20:40,173 --> 00:20:42,273
They never want to let you go.
533
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:45,276
Erica: No! No, no, no!
Mom, mom!
534
00:20:47,045 --> 00:20:50,314
Three...Two...Fire!
535
00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:54,752
(ding)
536
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:01,659
Hey!
537
00:21:01,661 --> 00:21:03,794
Hey. Whoa!
What is that?
538
00:21:03,796 --> 00:21:05,663
(laughing)
oh, you mean the shirt?
539
00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:08,032
I'm going to the phillies game
later with dad,
540
00:21:08,034 --> 00:21:11,135
So I bedazzled this as a joke
just to drive him crazy.
541
00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:13,471
I mean, I would never
wear this to the game.
542
00:21:13,473 --> 00:21:15,406
Unless you think I could
maybe wear it to the game.
543
00:21:15,408 --> 00:21:18,476
You know, you shouldn't just
wear it to the game.
544
00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:19,844
I would wear it to school.
545
00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:22,313
That's what I thought!
Thank you!
546
00:21:22,315 --> 00:21:26,517
I mean, this is a joke,
but... But thank you!
49331
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