Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,066 --> 00:00:02,735
Adult adam: Back in the '80s, stand-up comedy exploded.
2
00:00:02,737 --> 00:00:05,804
We'd spent hours watching the greats like sam kinison,
3
00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:07,406
Garry shandling, billy crystal,
4
00:00:07,408 --> 00:00:09,775
And my personal favorite...
(all laughing)
5
00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:10,676
The diceman.
6
00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:12,511
I can't believe
he said that!
7
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:13,312
I know!
(laughs)
8
00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:14,813
Adult adam: They weren't just my heroes.
9
00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:16,315
They were my inspirations.
10
00:00:16,317 --> 00:00:20,686
Sure, I never stood in front of a red brick wall with a microphone.
11
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:21,320
(all gasp)
12
00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:24,723
But I still fancied myself quite the comedian.
13
00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:26,125
Nothing but rim.
14
00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:26,959
(all laughing)
15
00:00:26,961 --> 00:00:30,129
Yep, I wasn't afraid to get my hands dirty to get a laugh.
16
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:31,430
Oh, you got
a little something.
17
00:00:31,432 --> 00:00:32,531
Uh, right here?
18
00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,099
Right here.
Oh, right...Right...
19
00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:34,800
Right here, yeah.
20
00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:36,368
(all laughing)
adult adam:
And I knew one day,
21
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:39,304
I'd get the get the ultimate achievement in comedy... Class clown.
22
00:00:39,306 --> 00:00:41,106
Sorry I'm late.
Yearbook is killing me.
23
00:00:41,108 --> 00:00:42,107
Here, let me carry
that for you.
24
00:00:42,109 --> 00:00:45,310
So you can see who's
getting voted class clown?
Nice try.
25
00:00:45,312 --> 00:00:47,046
Please.
Just let me see it.
26
00:00:47,048 --> 00:00:48,914
For your sugar bear?
27
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:50,949
(sighs)
just take it.
28
00:00:52,118 --> 00:00:54,319
Yes! I got best
hair on a man.
29
00:00:54,321 --> 00:00:57,222
Oh, yeah. (chuckles)
shut up,
dave kim.
30
00:00:57,224 --> 00:01:00,426
Read it and weep.
I am...
31
00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:03,562
Adult adam: Unfortunately, I got the opposite of that.
32
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:06,031
"nicest guy"?
Are you fricking
kidding me?
33
00:01:06,033 --> 00:01:07,800
What?
It's a good thing.
Dave kim: No, it's not.
34
00:01:07,802 --> 00:01:12,838
"nicest guy" is code for
"boring guy who just
has okay hair."
35
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:14,506
(school bell rings)
36
00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:16,575
So, who's getting
class clown?
37
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:17,309
Better not be mike levy
38
00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:19,945
'cause he didn't
choose for milk
to come out of his nose.
39
00:01:19,947 --> 00:01:22,181
He has a deviated septum.
So lucky.
40
00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:24,483
David sirota...
By a landslide.
41
00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:25,384
Are you kidding me?
42
00:01:25,386 --> 00:01:28,454
People think that putz
is funnier than me?
43
00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:30,389
(makes farting noise)
44
00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:31,723
(students laughing)
woodburn: Okay.
45
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:34,726
Whoever's doing that,
just stop it!
Just stop right now.
46
00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:37,496
David sirota isn't funny.
He's ridiculous.
47
00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:40,599
Always dancing in the halls
and talking trash at gym.
48
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:43,202
And this bit
with mr. Woodburn...
49
00:01:43,204 --> 00:01:43,936
Amateur hour.
50
00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:46,538
Everyone knows
making poots is cheap.
51
00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:47,906
(makes farting noise)
52
00:01:47,908 --> 00:01:49,741
(students laughing)
53
00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:51,176
I am an adult
and an educator,
54
00:01:51,178 --> 00:01:52,945
And I command you
to stop right now
55
00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:55,581
In the name
of stephen hawking.
Just stop it!
56
00:01:55,583 --> 00:01:56,915
Is sirota
funnier than me?
57
00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:59,084
For sure, bro.
You're not funny.
58
00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:00,419
Of course, I am!
It's a fact.
59
00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:02,888
Like africa's hot
or the sun sets
in the west.
60
00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:04,123
I don't know
about that stuff,
61
00:02:04,125 --> 00:02:06,358
But I definitely know
you're not funny.
62
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:07,893
Erica,
back me up here.
63
00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:10,062
I'd like to,
but barry's right.
64
00:02:10,064 --> 00:02:11,563
You use comedy
as a defense mechanism,
65
00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:14,099
But that
doesn't make you
a funny person
66
00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:15,033
That people laugh with.
67
00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:17,669
It makes you a lame-o
that people laugh at.
68
00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:18,370
But funny's my thing.
69
00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:22,708
I mean, I'm not
an athlete or a brain
or a theater star.
70
00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:26,578
So, if I'm not funny,
what am I?
71
00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:27,546
You're really nice.
72
00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:28,647
Stop saying that!
73
00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:32,551
I'm funny, and there's
nothing you or anyone
else can say
74
00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:33,652
That can change my mind.
75
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:34,453
That's right, squishy.
76
00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:38,223
I think you are
the funniest boy in
the whole wide world.
77
00:02:38,225 --> 00:02:39,791
(kissing)
78
00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:40,893
We rest our case.
79
00:02:40,895 --> 00:02:42,895
You're a wild
and crazy guy!
80
00:02:42,897 --> 00:02:45,964
Again,
we rest our case.
81
00:02:45,966 --> 00:02:47,299
¶ I'm twisted up inside
82
00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:51,303
¶ but nonetheless I feel the need to say
83
00:02:53,273 --> 00:02:54,573
¶ I don't know the future
84
00:02:54,575 --> 00:02:58,443
¶ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶
85
00:02:58,445 --> 00:03:01,580
Adult adam: It was may 10, 1980, something, and my dad was pondering
86
00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:04,616
The number-one issue plaguing all fathers.
87
00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:05,417
Okay, I'm going
to lainey's.
88
00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:08,020
Not so fast!
You didn't fill up
the car last night.
89
00:03:08,022 --> 00:03:10,856
I want a full tank
when you get home,
no excuses!
90
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:14,326
Adult adam: Like all dads, mine was obsessed with the gas tank.
91
00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:16,094
I drove the car
this morning.
92
00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:17,095
There's a ton
of gas in it.
93
00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:19,565
All right, let's take
a walk, shall we?
94
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:22,434
Look at the gas gauge!
Look at it!
95
00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:23,669
Yeah, so?
It's half full.
96
00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:25,337
Which is as good
as empty!
97
00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:26,305
Ugh, not this again!
98
00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:29,341
We never break
the half-a-tank threshold.
99
00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:30,475
My car, my rules!
100
00:03:30,477 --> 00:03:32,778
Fine, then I'll just
walk everywhere
(clicking)
101
00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:35,647
For the rest of my life!
(garage door opening)
102
00:03:37,850 --> 00:03:41,019
Ho, ho! Yeah, go out
walking in that.
103
00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:43,488
Adult adam:
This is how it went with my dad and my sis.
104
00:03:43,490 --> 00:03:45,924
They were the two most stubborn people on the planet.
105
00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:49,428
I told you, no chewing gum
with your braces!
106
00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:52,297
God, it's just a pinch!
I can do what I want!
107
00:03:52,299 --> 00:03:53,065
My gum, my rules.
108
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,601
Adult adam:
Yep, the tiniest of arguments could last months.
109
00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:59,538
Both had to win, and neither would ever back down.
110
00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:00,405
Ha! I win!
111
00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:02,708
Adult adam: Even if it meant going to the hospital
112
00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:05,744
With a bubble gum related injury.
113
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:06,578
Erica, please.
114
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:07,846
There might be
lightning outside.
115
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:12,584
Good. I would rather
get struck by a bolt
of red-hot sky fire
116
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,019
Than cave to his
stupid will.
117
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:16,388
Okay, you know what?
I'll fill up the tank.
118
00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:19,291
No. You got to
back me up on this.
119
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:20,525
My car, my rules.
120
00:04:20,527 --> 00:04:23,161
I support you on
every stupid little thing.
121
00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:27,165
You mean sit in your chair
and blindly yell,
"listen to your mother"?
122
00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:28,533
Exactly.
No.
123
00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:30,369
Do not back him
up on this.
124
00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,804
He is wrong,
and you know it.
125
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:34,439
Just do what
your father says.
126
00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,475
I can't deal
with you people!
127
00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:38,343
Adult adam: It seemed round one went to erica.
128
00:04:38,345 --> 00:04:40,012
(thunder rumbling)
(erica screams)
129
00:04:40,014 --> 00:04:42,814
God, I can't wait
to get out of this house
130
00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:43,515
And get away from you!
131
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:46,785
Adult adam: But actually, round one went to my dad.
132
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:50,489
And that
is how you parent.
133
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:54,459
Man, barry and erica
have really got
in my head.
134
00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:55,027
Am I unfunny?
135
00:04:55,029 --> 00:04:57,262
Are people laughing
at me, not with me?
136
00:04:57,264 --> 00:05:01,566
Absolutely not.
You've got your
sense of humor from me,
137
00:05:01,568 --> 00:05:04,136
And I'm hilarious.
138
00:05:04,337 --> 00:05:06,772
¶ my girlfriend had a kitty
139
00:05:06,774 --> 00:05:10,342
¶ she came from kansas city ¶
oh, my god, stop.
140
00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:11,977
Hilarious.
(chuckles)
141
00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:12,978
But I still need
to find a way
142
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:15,647
To beat david sirota
for class clown.
143
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:16,715
Well, then,
let me help.
144
00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:19,017
You know,
when I was your age,
145
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,620
I was busboying
in the catskills.
146
00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:23,422
I saw all the greats.
147
00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:24,489
Really? Like who?
148
00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:28,293
Harry 'bottles' mcnaughton,
stubby kaye,
149
00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:29,227
The kippleman brothers.
150
00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:32,197
One would talk and then
the other one would talk,
151
00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:33,999
And then the first one
would talk.
152
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:36,234
Their act
was actually just okay.
153
00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:38,603
Yeah, it doesn't sound
very current.
154
00:05:38,605 --> 00:05:41,173
But I've, like,
memorized tons of jokes
155
00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:42,641
From all my
favorite comedians.
156
00:05:42,643 --> 00:05:45,043
Maybe I can bring
some of their stuff
into school.
157
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:47,612
Yes. Let others
do the work for you.
158
00:05:47,614 --> 00:05:50,282
Adult adam: And so, I pulled out all the greats.
159
00:05:50,284 --> 00:05:51,016
Great wall of china!
160
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:54,052
Adult adam:
First, sam kinison.
(screaming) say it! Say it!
161
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:54,986
(screaming)
162
00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:58,390
Adult adam:
And then, I sprinkled in a little gallagher.
163
00:05:58,392 --> 00:05:59,591
And then finish them off
164
00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:02,427
With a classic poem by andrew dice clay.
165
00:06:02,429 --> 00:06:05,230
"old mother hubbard
went to the cupboard
166
00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:06,798
"to get her dog a bone
167
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:10,168
"when she (bleep)
rover took over
168
00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:12,170
"and gave her a (bleep)
169
00:06:12,172 --> 00:06:13,505
"oh!"
170
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:15,474
Go to your room!
171
00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:16,341
(sighs)
172
00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:19,144
I'm sorry I yelled
and punished you.
173
00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:21,046
Yeah, I hadn't
seen that side
of you before.
174
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:23,582
I just don't
understand how
you could say
175
00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:25,984
Those horrible things
about old mother hubbard.
176
00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:27,986
That's her dog.
They're friends.
177
00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:30,756
I guess barry and erica
are right. I'm not funny.
178
00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:33,325
Pal, you're funny,
but comedy is personal.
179
00:06:33,327 --> 00:06:37,195
Think of jokes
from your world,
stuff you know about.
180
00:06:37,197 --> 00:06:39,131
You think?
Of course.
181
00:06:39,133 --> 00:06:41,500
Take my favorite
comedian, don rickles.
182
00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:44,336
He tells jokes about
the people in his world,
183
00:06:44,338 --> 00:06:46,605
And he keeps
it personal.
184
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:48,173
Keep it personal.
Yeah.
185
00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:52,944
Yeah. I think
that could work.
Thanks, pops.
186
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:54,346
Anytime.
187
00:06:54,348 --> 00:06:58,183
Old mother hubbard
just wanted to feed
her poor dog, and he...
188
00:06:58,185 --> 00:06:59,985
Got to let it go, man.
Got to let it go.
189
00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:02,254
Adult adam: Meanwhile, erica had a plan on how to defeat my dad,
190
00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:07,392
And it required stirring up the most easily stirred-up person on the planet.
191
00:07:07,394 --> 00:07:10,695
Damn it!
I'm so mad at dad!
192
00:07:10,697 --> 00:07:11,396
Aren't you mad?
193
00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:13,999
No. Why? Should I be?
What did he do now?
194
00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:16,034
Well, he's always saying,
"my car, my rules,"
195
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:19,638
And forcing us to
fill up his gas tank
like we're his slaves.
196
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:23,842
He is always talking
about that stupid gas!
197
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:25,610
It makes me very angry.
198
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:26,511
Well, we can
fight back.
199
00:07:26,513 --> 00:07:29,448
I say we pool
our money together
and buy our own ride.
200
00:07:29,450 --> 00:07:33,452
That way, dad can never
say "my car, my rules"
ever again.
201
00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:34,653
Yes! Let's fight!
202
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,388
God, I have so much rage
in my body right now.
203
00:07:36,390 --> 00:07:39,791
Well, let's do this.
I only have 60 bucks.
How much you got?
204
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:44,129
Oh, I have to move
some stuff around
but roughly 1200.
205
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,397
Dollars? How?
206
00:07:45,399 --> 00:07:48,200
Basically, you've
inherited dad's
stubbornness,
207
00:07:48,202 --> 00:07:49,801
And I inherited
his cheapness.
208
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:52,838
You see,
every day for lunch,
mom gives me $2.
209
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,639
I spend 25 cents
on chocolate milk
210
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:58,376
And eat food scraps
off friends' plates
and random tables.
211
00:07:58,378 --> 00:07:59,277
We can get
any car we want.
212
00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:02,814
See? Right here.
Look at this sweet
little cabriolet.
213
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:03,281
No, no, no!
214
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:06,718
It's my cash,
and I know exactly
what we're buying.
215
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,687
Erica: A crappy van?
Better.
216
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:11,089
Adult adam: Better, indeed. Like every kid back then,
217
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,791
Barry dreamed of being part of the a-team.
218
00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:15,794
They were soldiers of fortune who drove the toughest, most badass,
219
00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:18,129
Most red-striped ride to ever hit the road.
220
00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:21,500
Barry, we are not buying
the a-team van.
It's not happening.
221
00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:24,836
Oh, it's happening,
and I'll be hannibal
'cause I'm the smart one.
222
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:28,507
We're getting my
sporty little soft-top,
understand?
223
00:08:28,509 --> 00:08:29,140
End of discussion.
224
00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:32,677
Adult adam: And with that, barry did exactly what he wanted.
225
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:33,578
He bought the van.
226
00:08:33,580 --> 00:08:35,213
(theme from
the a-team playing)
227
00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:37,148
Barry:
¶ duh-duh, duh, duh
228
00:08:37,150 --> 00:08:38,350
¶ duh-duh, duh
229
00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:40,519
¶ duh, duh-duh duh, duh
230
00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:41,786
¶ duh, duh-duh-duh, duh ¶
231
00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:44,823
(tires squealing)
erica: Stop sign!
That's a stop sign!
232
00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:45,891
Barry: Whoo!
233
00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:46,992
What's that smell?
234
00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:48,960
The smell of action.
235
00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:53,164
(tires squealing)
236
00:08:54,967 --> 00:08:56,368
What the hell
is this thing?
237
00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:59,838
Freedom.
My van, my rules.
238
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:00,639
Whoo!
239
00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:03,475
This is why
I eat garbage.
240
00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:09,781
Adult adam: In the standoff of stubbornness with my dad,
241
00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:12,684
Erica had taken the upper hand.
242
00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:14,819
What's wrong with you?
243
00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:16,187
Who buys a crap van
244
00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:18,089
With bald tires,
a broken headlight,
245
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:21,092
And look,
it's leaking oil
on my driveway.
246
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:23,061
It's even
worse in here.
247
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,362
No way!
248
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,531
You're not driving this.
It's a death trap.
249
00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:28,867
Forget about driving it.
They're not keeping it.
250
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:32,203
Oh, yes, we are.
Face it. I won.
251
00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:33,071
My van, my rules.
252
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:37,776
Oh, that's too bad,
because it's
my house, my rules.
253
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:39,077
House trumps van.
254
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:41,479
You can't do that.
You can't just
change the rules.
255
00:09:41,481 --> 00:09:45,650
Well, that is a valid point,
but, uh, tough crap.
256
00:09:45,652 --> 00:09:47,719
This isn't fair.
We paid for it.
257
00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:49,054
Paid for it!
With our own money.
258
00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:51,156
Money!
And if it's your house,
your rules,
259
00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:53,425
Then we'll just move out
and live in the van.
260
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:56,161
Live in a van!
Wait, what?
261
00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:57,228
Don't think of it
as a van.
262
00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:59,864
Think of it as
a studio apartment
of freedom.
263
00:09:59,866 --> 00:10:01,600
I don't think
I can agree
to live in a van.
264
00:10:01,602 --> 00:10:02,334
Well,
I love this idea.
265
00:10:02,336 --> 00:10:06,204
Murray, no!
Our babies
can't live in a van.
266
00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:07,906
They could get snatched
by a kidnapper
267
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:09,040
Who wouldn't need
a creepy van,
268
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:12,010
Because he's
being conveniently
provided with one.
269
00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:12,877
But none of that matters
270
00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:16,247
'cause you completely
back me up, right?
271
00:10:16,249 --> 00:10:17,048
(scoffs)
272
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:18,850
Blindly and without
question?
273
00:10:18,852 --> 00:10:20,418
Fine,
I'll back you up.
274
00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:25,323
Even though I did make
cobbler a la mode
for dessert tonight.
275
00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:28,693
Ohhh! That's french talk
for "pie and ice cream."
276
00:10:28,695 --> 00:10:31,029
Stay with me,
and I'll let you
paint a red stripe.
277
00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:32,897
How does that sound,
hannibal?
278
00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:35,934
Erica wins! She called me
the tv character I like.
279
00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:39,204
Adult adam:
Both erica and my dad refused to stand down,
280
00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:42,040
So I decided to lighten the mood with a little stand-up.
281
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:42,941
Hello, there, everybody.
282
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:46,011
Seemed like it
was a good time
for a little comedy.
283
00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:46,778
No, thank you.
Go away.
284
00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:51,249
So, I hear erica
is gonna be hanging out
in the back of a van.
285
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:53,551
Or as she likes
to call it,
286
00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:54,953
A typical Saturday night.
287
00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:56,388
Zing!
What is this?
288
00:10:56,390 --> 00:10:58,556
And, of course,
there's my mom.
289
00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:01,693
Always saying,
"I have failed as a mother."
290
00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:02,260
Crazy, right?
291
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:03,895
Although, if you
think about it,
292
00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:05,997
Two of her kids
are living in a van,
293
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,566
And the other one's
gone into comedy.
294
00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:09,734
Ay-oh!
295
00:11:09,736 --> 00:11:10,702
What is this?
296
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:12,470
And look...
There's the mur-man.
297
00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:14,939
My dad is such
a slothful sack of crap,
298
00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:18,977
Even his armchair's like,
"really? Again?"
299
00:11:18,979 --> 00:11:20,445
What the hell is this?
300
00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:22,280
I bombed.
See, the problem here
301
00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:25,250
Is you horribly
misinterpreted
my advice.
302
00:11:25,252 --> 00:11:27,819
You said, "do rickles."
I did rickles!
303
00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:31,823
No, I said come up
with personal material
like rickles,
304
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:37,028
Not do insult jokes
about your family
to your family.
305
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:37,729
The good news is,
306
00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:39,798
You had no problem
coming up
with the funny.
307
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,033
Now all you
got to do is find
the right audience.
308
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,569
Really? You think
if I come up with
something big,
309
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,771
I still have a shot
at class clown?
310
00:11:46,773 --> 00:11:48,406
Absolutely.
311
00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:51,276
Now, don't misinterpret
my advice again.
312
00:11:51,278 --> 00:11:54,312
Don't be hurtful.
Just be funny.
313
00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:55,580
I 100% got it.
314
00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:56,648
Adult adam: But I didn't.
315
00:11:56,650 --> 00:11:58,216
Desperate for an easy laugh, I iced a hat box
316
00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:04,723
To give to my overly sensitive science teacher, and it would be epic.
317
00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:08,026
What's this?
It's not even my birthday.
318
00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:10,762
Trust me.
You deserve this.
(chuckles)
319
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:12,897
So, you just...
320
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:14,632
Wow.
321
00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:16,634
You don't know
how much
this means to me.
322
00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:19,437
I...I honestly thought
about quitting this job.
323
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:21,106
I thought you kids
didn't care about science.
324
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:26,177
But this cake
means the world to me,
changes everything.
325
00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:27,712
Thank you so much, adam.
326
00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:29,347
My new life starts today!
327
00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:32,717
Who wants a piece?
(thudding)
328
00:12:35,354 --> 00:12:36,154
(metal clatters)
329
00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:39,491
We're looking at what?
A mean-spirited prank?
330
00:12:39,493 --> 00:12:41,426
Pretty much.
331
00:12:41,660 --> 00:12:42,127
Okay, then.
332
00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:44,429
Everyone read chapter six.
I'll be in my office.
333
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:45,697
I need some
time to think.
334
00:12:45,699 --> 00:12:47,532
(door opens)
do not knock on this door.
335
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:50,135
Dude,
that was brutal.
336
00:12:50,137 --> 00:12:52,504
Come on, guys.
It was a joke.
337
00:12:52,506 --> 00:12:53,738
It's me,
the class clown.
338
00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:56,875
It's not official,
but it could be,
right, guys?
339
00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:59,310
I don't know
what that was,
but it was mean.
340
00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:00,178
Well,
at the very least,
341
00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:01,880
Maybe now,
I won't be voted
nicest guy.
342
00:13:01,882 --> 00:13:04,849
Just so you know,
I was the one
who nominated you.
343
00:13:04,851 --> 00:13:05,550
What? Why?
344
00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:08,086
Why not? Since when
is being nice a bad thing?
345
00:13:08,088 --> 00:13:09,154
Since we're in
middle school.
346
00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:11,890
It's basically
the worst thing you
can say about a dude.
347
00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:15,660
Not to me.
Everyone is always
trying to be funny or cool
348
00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:17,128
Or someone they're not.
349
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,898
The last thing I want
is to be with some clown.
350
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,933
I just want
to be with you.
351
00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:22,600
Or at least, I did.
352
00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:26,704
Adult adam: I was no longer the class clown or the nicest guy in school,
353
00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:27,539
And it felt awful.
354
00:13:27,541 --> 00:13:31,643
Meanwhile, erica and barry were feeling even worse
355
00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:32,477
In their stinky new home
356
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:35,713
Adorned with a poorly painted red stripe.
357
00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:38,082
God, come on!
Would you quit moving?
358
00:13:38,084 --> 00:13:39,284
You keep kicking me
in the face!
359
00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:41,219
Hey, you're the one
who wanted to sleep
head-to-feet.
360
00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:44,155
Well, I am not sleeping
face-to-face with you.
It's super weird.
361
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:48,593
No, what's super weird
is we're living
in a fricking van.
362
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:51,162
Look at us.
We're van people.
363
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,730
I don't want to be
van people.
364
00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:55,300
You should have
just filled up
his damn gas tank.
365
00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:57,101
Barry, this is not
about the gas.
366
00:13:57,103 --> 00:13:58,770
It's about
freedom, honor,
367
00:13:58,772 --> 00:14:01,172
And rubbing it
in dad's face
when I win.
368
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,607
But how long
is that gonna take?
369
00:14:02,609 --> 00:14:03,508
Until he cracks.
370
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:06,211
But dad's too stubborn,
and I'm too hungry.
371
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:09,881
Can't I just sneak in
and grab a giant
hunk of brisket?
372
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:10,415
No brisket!
373
00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:12,984
Our days of food
and comfort are over.
374
00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:15,286
This van is our
home now,
375
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:18,256
And this canned tuna,
our brisket.
376
00:14:18,258 --> 00:14:19,424
Now eat it.
377
00:14:19,426 --> 00:14:22,327
(whimpers)
(sighs)
378
00:14:22,795 --> 00:14:23,494
Stop!
379
00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:24,662
I can't.
What are you doing?
380
00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:25,697
I'm tilting it.
You're tilting it!
381
00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:27,632
I don't belong
here, okay?
Stop tilting it!
382
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:30,268
Just take it
outside!
Brisket!
383
00:14:31,837 --> 00:14:33,204
Psst.
384
00:14:33,839 --> 00:14:34,672
Mama.
385
00:14:34,674 --> 00:14:36,407
It's me, lovebug.
386
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:37,609
What are you doing
out here?
387
00:14:37,611 --> 00:14:41,012
Eating tuna
and getting ready
to use the potty bush.
388
00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:42,213
I hate being van people.
389
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:45,116
Shh. I brought you
a home-cooked meal.
390
00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:46,084
Oh!
391
00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:48,119
(grunting)
yes. Go to town.
392
00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:51,155
Good boy.
Like a little badger.
393
00:14:51,157 --> 00:14:52,390
(door opens)
394
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:53,691
You.
395
00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:54,359
You.
396
00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:55,093
What is wrong
with you?
397
00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:56,394
You couldn't even
last one night?
398
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,096
You were supposed to
back me up, bevy,
399
00:14:58,098 --> 00:15:00,798
And that doesn't mean
bringing the boy dinner.
400
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,800
Dear lord, what did he
do to that corn?
401
00:15:02,802 --> 00:15:05,737
Well, I'm sick
of this, murray.
Adam was right.
402
00:15:05,739 --> 00:15:08,473
I have failed
as a mother, literally.
403
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:11,876
Our children
are van people.
404
00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:12,810
Please end this.
405
00:15:12,812 --> 00:15:16,414
Fine. Barry, I will buy
your portion of the van,
406
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:19,050
Full price,
in cash.
Deal!
407
00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:22,787
Boom!
My van, my rules! I win!
408
00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:25,623
You will never win.
You see this face?
409
00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,258
This is the face
of a winner.
410
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,093
And I don't care
how long it takes.
411
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:32,096
I will crush you
with the weight
of a thousand suns.
412
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:34,866
Never! I will dowse
your suns
413
00:15:34,868 --> 00:15:37,268
With a thousand
buckets of water.
414
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:39,737
Stop. I hate how
you two always do this.
415
00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:41,172
Me? It's his fault.
416
00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:42,607
No, it's both of you.
417
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:46,144
You both think
you're so different,
but you're exactly the same.
418
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:48,012
So, if you're not
gonna end this, I will.
419
00:15:48,014 --> 00:15:51,282
I demand that
you hug each other.
420
00:15:52,184 --> 00:15:55,386
Where are
the damn huggies?
421
00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:58,890
Adult adam: Turns out my fake cake for mr. Woodburn
422
00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:00,892
Got me in a very real amount of trouble.
423
00:16:00,894 --> 00:16:02,927
Thanks for coming.
424
00:16:02,929 --> 00:16:04,395
As you know,
adam's little joke
425
00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:08,333
Has sent mr. Woodburn
to a very dark
and horrible place.
426
00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:12,704
I can assure you,
adam is very sorry
for what he did.
427
00:16:12,706 --> 00:16:14,372
I'm really, really sorry.
428
00:16:14,374 --> 00:16:15,340
That's...That's fine.
429
00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:18,309
But we may be dealing
with larger issues here.
430
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:21,612
When a nice boy
like adam acts out,
431
00:16:21,614 --> 00:16:24,048
It's usually because...
432
00:16:24,050 --> 00:16:25,249
Something's going on
at home.
433
00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:26,417
What are you saying,
earl?
434
00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:27,919
Well, I'm saying
it came to my attention
435
00:16:27,921 --> 00:16:30,888
That a couple
of your children
are van people.
436
00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:34,559
No, no, no. None of our
children are van people.
(scoffs)
437
00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:35,927
They tried
to live in a van,
438
00:16:35,929 --> 00:16:39,630
But those morons
didn't even make it
through the night.
439
00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:40,765
What my husband means
440
00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:43,634
Is that there was
a minor disagreement
441
00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:45,236
That resulted in our kids
442
00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:49,340
Briefly moving into
a carpeted vehicle.
443
00:16:49,808 --> 00:16:50,341
What you doing?
444
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:51,976
Um, I'm just
taking some notes.
445
00:16:51,978 --> 00:16:55,446
It looks like a "v."
you better not be
writing "van people."
446
00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:58,449
I can confirm
that the "v"
is for "van."
447
00:16:58,451 --> 00:16:59,984
How dare you
question our parenting?
448
00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:03,621
I'll have you know
that we are very
loving and kind,
449
00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,423
And each one
of our little angels
450
00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:08,960
Cherishes every moment
spent in our home.
451
00:17:08,962 --> 00:17:10,895
(panting) there you are!
452
00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:11,929
Erica's at
the bus station.
453
00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:14,098
She told lainey
she's buying a ticket
to new york
454
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:17,368
So she never
has to live in your
stupid house again.
455
00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:19,504
Adult adam: True to her word,
456
00:17:19,506 --> 00:17:22,940
My sister went to new stubborn heights by fleeing the state.
457
00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:25,410
Beverly: We're
blocked in by a bus?
458
00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:27,178
How is that
even possible?
459
00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:28,246
It's a school!
460
00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:30,448
(sighs) we're never
gonna make it in time.
461
00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:32,116
Oh, yes, you will.
462
00:17:32,118 --> 00:17:35,920
(theme from
the a-team playing)
(brakes screeching)
463
00:17:35,922 --> 00:17:37,321
¶ duh-duh, duh, duh
464
00:17:37,323 --> 00:17:39,090
Oh! Oh!
¶ ba, ba, ba ¶
465
00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:40,291
Stop with that song!
466
00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:43,861
Shut up! I love you,
but shut up!
467
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:47,799
(engine sputtering)
468
00:17:47,966 --> 00:17:51,669
(theme music slows down)
beverly: No, no, no, no,
no, not slower! Faster!
469
00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:53,104
Hit the gas, barry!
470
00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:56,574
What's happening?
Why isn't my
a-team van working?
471
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,142
Murray: Look.
You ran out of gas.
472
00:17:58,144 --> 00:18:01,079
But there was
half a tank
this morning.
473
00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:02,513
Murray: Morons!
474
00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:06,284
Okay, we got to
mobilize and track
down my little girl.
475
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:07,351
I'll call the police
and set up a roadblock.
476
00:18:07,353 --> 00:18:10,321
Murray, you call all
your new york city
furniture contacts.
477
00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:13,191
Honey,
she's right there.
478
00:18:13,725 --> 00:18:18,096
Ohhh! My little munchkin.
I got to go squeeze her.
479
00:18:18,098 --> 00:18:19,831
No, no, no, no.
480
00:18:19,833 --> 00:18:22,500
I think I should be
the one to talk to her.
481
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:27,105
(bruce hornsby and the range's
that's the way it is playing)
482
00:18:27,973 --> 00:18:32,510
Well, if you were
trying to kill us
from worry,
483
00:18:32,512 --> 00:18:35,446
You're the big
winner here.
484
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:35,980
No, you are.
485
00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:40,985
I know I always talk about
how much I hate this house
and your dumb rules.
486
00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:44,489
(sighs) but when
I actually got
a chance to go,
487
00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:45,123
I couldn't do it.
488
00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:48,759
Yeah. This one
really got away from us.
489
00:18:48,761 --> 00:18:51,729
I am so damn stubborn
that I almost ran away,
490
00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:53,564
Because I didn't want
to put gas in the car.
491
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:57,635
All right.
So, you and me,
we don't back down.
492
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:58,936
I don't see that
as a bad thing.
493
00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:02,373
You don't seriously
believe that, do you?
Oh, yeah.
494
00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:05,643
When I was your age,
I was a crappy student.
495
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:08,646
There was this guidance
counselor who told me
496
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:09,947
That I should
take up a trade
497
00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:13,651
'cause no college would
ever take a guy like me.
498
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,186
So out of spite,
499
00:19:15,188 --> 00:19:17,221
I worked my butt off.
500
00:19:17,223 --> 00:19:18,656
I got into penn state,
501
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,391
And that's where
I met your mother.
502
00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:21,792
So, I literally
wouldn't be here
503
00:19:21,794 --> 00:19:24,362
If you weren't such
a pigheaded jerk?
504
00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:25,263
That is correct.
505
00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:29,500
And mark my words,
when you do finally
leave this house,
506
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:32,603
The world
better watch out.
507
00:19:33,305 --> 00:19:34,305
(sighs)
508
00:19:34,307 --> 00:19:37,375
But give me
a few more years.
509
00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:40,645
I'm not ready
to let you
go just yet.
510
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:45,183
Adult adam: As my dad and my sister finally embraced who they were,
511
00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:47,618
I realized it was time for me to do the same.
512
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:49,887
Mr. Woodburn,
I made you this.
513
00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:51,689
¶ 'cause the law don't change another's mind ¶
514
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:54,225
I don't get it.
What's the joke?
515
00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:54,825
No joke.
516
00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:57,695
Just wanted to show
my favorite teacher
517
00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:58,696
That I'm sorry.
518
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,865
Favorite? Wow.
Thank you.
519
00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:04,135
Adult adam: 'cause in the end, it's not about labels people give you.
520
00:20:04,137 --> 00:20:07,305
It's about being okay with who you really are.
521
00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:08,172
That was nice, adam.
522
00:20:08,174 --> 00:20:10,341
Yeah, well, that's
what I was going for.
523
00:20:10,343 --> 00:20:13,477
Adult adam: And I may not have been the class clown,
524
00:20:13,479 --> 00:20:14,278
But lucky for me,
525
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:18,849
Nice guys don't always finish last.
526
00:20:20,485 --> 00:20:23,054
(laughing)
527
00:20:28,994 --> 00:20:30,928
(ding)
528
00:20:38,637 --> 00:20:41,205
Please welcome david sirota!
529
00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:43,474
(inaudible)
530
00:20:43,842 --> 00:20:45,209
(inaudible)
531
00:20:45,211 --> 00:20:49,647
(adam, barry
and erica laughing)
(inaudible)
532
00:20:49,649 --> 00:20:50,114
(laughing)
533
00:20:50,116 --> 00:20:52,750
(tv turns off)
okay, enough
with this potty mouth
534
00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:53,484
In the leather trousers.
535
00:20:53,486 --> 00:20:57,321
I'm gonna show you
what funny was
back in my day.
536
00:20:57,323 --> 00:20:58,589
Pops:
¶ oh
537
00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:01,993
¶ I took my new girl to the fishing hole
538
00:21:01,995 --> 00:21:05,029
¶ I gave her my jacket 'cause she was cold
539
00:21:05,031 --> 00:21:09,233
¶ I puckered my lips I offered my tongue
540
00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:11,135
¶ and that's when she said
541
00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:13,237
¶ no, thank you we're done ¶
542
00:21:13,239 --> 00:21:14,672
Hey!
543
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,775
That was...
544
00:21:18,043 --> 00:21:18,542
Good.
545
00:21:18,544 --> 00:21:21,279
Yeah, I liked
the part about the...
546
00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:23,748
What was it?
The fishing place?
547
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:24,215
Hole.
548
00:21:24,217 --> 00:21:26,017
(chuckles)
he said "hole."
549
00:21:26,019 --> 00:21:28,286
(all laughing)
49651
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof