All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S02E09.The.Most.Handsome.Boy.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.h.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

Adult adam:
Cindy crawford,

Kathy ireland,
claudia schiffer.

The '80s gave birth
to the supermodel.

They had everything...
The hair, the bodies,
the cheekbones.

A supermodel
had to be perfect,

But my brother was about
to prove that wrong.

Gentlemen, it appears
my holiday shopping is done.

Jealous?

Dude!
Butt mug.

Now you can drink hot cocoa
out of a butt

'cause it's a mug
with a butt.

Better get moving 'cause
they only got a couple left.

Oh, my mom
is going to love that.

Sweet butt mug, bro.

Sure is.
Have we met before?

Perhaps at the gucci show
in milan, Italy?

Mmm, no.

Oh, sorry.

Where do you model?

Where do I what?
Model.

I mean, clearly someone
with your symmetrical face,

Perfect bone structure,
and jazzy hair

Is already working
the circuit, right?

You know, that hadn't
occurred to me yet,

But it makes
total sense.

Then today's
my lucky day.

I'm john calabasas.
I'm a talent scout.

Do you have
representation?

Whoa. Hold up.
Are you for real?

I'm just a dude
at a mall.

Iman was discovered
at a stop'n go,

Kathy ireland
at a sizzler,

Cindy crawford
in a corn maze.

Supermodels
get discovered everywhere.

Supermodel?
Me?

You remind me
of claudia schaffer

Before she worked
with me.

Claudia schaffer worked
with you?

People like me, yes.
And you can, too.

Adult adam: Yeah,
this really happened
all the time back in the '80s.

Yeah.
(camera shutter clicking)

Scam artists
would target naive dreamers

And promise them super stardom
for a low fee.

You are
blowing me away.

And my brother
was as naive as they came.

Big news, everyone!

I've been personally
selected to be
a world-famous model.

Well, I think you're limiting
yourself at world-famous,

But continue.

I was approached by
a modeling scout
in the mall.

He had a brochure
and an official
business card.

"john calabasas,
professional model finder."

Good. He's legit.

All I have to do
is give him $100,

Take some classes,
and soon, I'll be making

Upwards of $10,000 a day
being a supermodel.

You're a super moron.

Mom's never
gonna throw away $100.

I made it out to cash.

When did you
even write that?

Oh, my god.
I've been saying it
for years

And now it's finally
been confirmed.

My little monkey

Is the most handsome boy
on the planet.

Yeah.
(laughs)

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hands off the money-maker.

Now, if you excuse me,
I need to get some
beauty rest.

Wake me in 14 hours.

Wait. (chuckles)

Why don't you put some
cucumbers on your eyes

Like the models do?

Ah, oh, yeah.

I feel it
burning already.

Burning?
Aah!

It burns so much!
Oh, no.

I already dressed
the salad.

It's lemon pepper
vinaigrette.

Ah, ah, my eyes,
my beautiful deep
brown eyes! Help me!

Oh.
Come on. Be brave.
Be brave.

¶ I'm twisted up inside

¶ but nonetheless
I feel the need to say

¶ I don't know the future

¶ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ¶

Adult adam:
It was December 28,
1980-something,

And I was gearing up
to get my et on.

Back then,
people loved it so much,

It stayed in theaters
for over a year,

And no one loved it
more than me.

Man, I'm so psyched
that we're seeing
et again.

It's the 10th time,
but it feels like the 3rd.

Yeah, I hear 10
is when you really start

To appreciate
the nuances.
Murray: Wait a second.

You've seen this movie
that many times?

Why are you
dragging me here

With all the damn
holiday crowds?

It's about a puppet.

A puppet?
Is fozzie bear
just a puppet?

Is alf just a puppet?

Is yoda...

Yes.
Those are all puppets.

Murray.

Hey.

Hey.

Adult adam: That night,
we had something
even more rare

Than an alien sighting...
My dad's dad, pop-pop.

He was a man of few words.

So, uh, how's things
and whatever you're doing?

Eh.

Adult adam:
Yep, my dad got it
from somewhere.

You?
Eh.

Like any grandpa,
he knew everything
about me.

Barry.

That was actually
a pretty good interaction
with pop-pop.

He had said over three words

And none of them
were obscenities.

(high-pitched hum)

I'll be right here.

Adult adam:
But that night,

I couldn't stop thinking
about pop-pop.

He lived in town
and it was strange

How we barely ever saw him.

I never stopped to think
if it bothered my dad
until this happened.

(murray wails)

What the hell was that?

Why?

Is that horrible sound
coming from your dad?

(whimpering)
I'd always wanted to know

What it'd be like
to see my dad cry,

But then I did
and I instantly
regretted it.

Sounds like
a goat being strangled.

Just look at the screen
and lose yourself
in the movie.

I can't!

(whimpering continues)

What are you wearing?

(scoffs)

It's called
high fashion, erica.

Check it.
I can casually

Flip my jacket over
my shoulder.

Dude,
you're not a model.

Just for saying that,
you're not invited

To my oceanside condo
in kokomo

Where I'll windsurf
with the beach boys.

God, you're an idiot.

All righty.
(chuckles)

Just finished ironing
more outfits for
your head shots.

This stuff if fabulous.
Mmm.

Model walk, model walk,
model walk,

Model walk, model walk,
model walk.

Mom, don't give him money.
It's a scam.

These creeps
troll the malls

Looking for the vain,
weak, and sad.

Hey, barry was born
to model.

Okay, maybe not born
because of his skull shape.

But when that
helmet came off,
it was like looking

At a baby boy version
of cheryl tiegs.

He's gonna be crushed
when he finds out the truth.

And that's on you.
Fine.

If it'll
make you feel better,

I'll go down there
and make sure it's all legit.

I know you think
I've always got
my mom goggles on,

But I'm not as blind
as you think.

Look at that snuggle bug.
He's gorgeous!

(camera shutter clicking)
john: Unbelievable.

Are you sure
you've never done
this before?

Mark my words,
you're gonna be so
rich and famous,

You're gonna be
able to hurt people
without consequences.

Yes!

Oh, he's got
a hair out of place.

You mind if I just
poof him a little?

Please.
Poof away.

Whoa, what is happening
right now?

What?
Did I mess him up?

No.

Do you mind if I take
a couple of the two
of you together?

Absolutely not!
We'd love that.

(camera shutter clicking)

Oh, wow.

You see,
I get a ton of calls
for mother/son teams,

But it's always actors
playing a part.

I've never seen a mother
love her child so much.

That's because no mother

Ever has loved her child
so much.

I've never done this
before.

But for another
100 bucks,

I can make you a model,
too, mom.

No way!

Done.
I made it out to cash.

When did you
even write that?

Adult adam:
And so, they got to work.

And it was something,
all right.

No.
Don't do that.

Stop.
Get off of me!

Stop! No!
Come on.

(camera shutter clicking)

I don't want to be
a model anymore.

Adult adam: While my mom
was living her wildest dreams,

I was still processing
the nightmare of seeing
my dad cry.

No way.
That's impossible.

Dad doesn't cry ever.

I know what I saw...

Human tears
coming out of his face.

What?

What's going on?

Why's everyone staring
at me?

What's with
all the staring?

You cried!

When et phoned home,

He left and you cried
and I saw it.

I did not!

I didn't even like
the stupid movie.

Dumb little alien.

All he wanted to do
was get home.

Then it turns all white
and crusty like
an old dog turd.

He loved that boy.

But still,
he had to leave.

I don't want to talk about
the damn movie anymore.

You're welling up.
It's happening.

Nothing's happening!
Come back!

I want to see
what it looks like!

Cry for me!
Cry for me!

After 25 years,
the man cries at a puppet.

Makes no sense.

Unless it's not the puppet

But what
the puppet represents.

We all know that et
is about an absent father,
right?

No. What movie
were you watching?

All I saw
was a magic frogman

Build a telephone
out of a speak & spell.

It was a cry for help.

Dad misses pop-pop,

And it's up to me
to bring them back
together.

Not happening.

After your nana left,
pop-pop lived his life

Filled with bitterness
and anger,

Most of which
was directed at your dad.

And the resentment that
runs between them
is bone-deep.

Man.
That's a lot of anger.

And only a crazy, renegade
han solo-kind of guy

Would try and fix it.

Exactly.

Wait.
What are you saying?

Adult adam:
So, I did what han solo
would do in this situation.

Lure his grandfather over

With a free bowl
of potato salad.

I got a plan
and I need your help.

No, no plan.

That is not a nice man.

Watch this.

Long time no see, ben.

Looking good.

So, you think
you're better than me, huh?

Huh?

Hey, pop-pop,
since you're here,

I was wondering
if maybe you could help me

With a history project
for school.

You know what
I did in school?

Quit so I could work.
What's he doing here?

Getting interviewed
for a school project
about our family.

Wait a minute.

This just occurred to me
right now in this moment.

You should
do the interview together.

(both grumbling)

Tell you what, adam.

Just interview us old-timers
and murray can film it.

So, what do you say,
fellas?

(both grumbling)

We'll take that
as a yes.

Adult adam:
So, with a little help
from pops,

My plan was in motion.

Now all I had to do
was get my closed-off
grandpa to open up.

Okay, so I'm just gonna ask
a few questions,

So speak from the heart.
Dad, we rolling?

No idea.

Great. So, let's start off
with an easy one.

What's your favorite
thing in life?

One word... Family.

When I was 6 years old,
I worked in a button factory.

There was
a terrible fire,

But I got two days off...
Two glorious days.

Wow.

So, what do you say
we shift gears

And talk about
family specifically.

What's your best memory
with your kids?

The day bev was born.

Pop-pop?

I got hit by a car
when I was 29.

It was
a terrible accident.

But I got some money
in the settlement,

And decided to invest it
in a new company called 7up.

Well, until my genius son
talked me out of it.

He hated clear soda.

And I missed out
on the biggest
opportunity of my life!

That's your best memory?

I thought
you said worst.

If we're doing
awful memories,

I got
a few hundred of them.

Okay,
maybe we should take five.

How about when you
left for a year to go
sell frozen beef?

So, apparently,
getting my dad and pop-pop

To open up about
the past wasn't the best
han solo move.

I had to come up
with a plan b and fast.

Hey, pop-pop, do you want
to see et with me?

No.
I have a coupon
for free popcorn.

What size?
Medium?

I have changed my mind
and will go.

So, maybe I couldn't melt
pop-pop's heart...

(door opens)
...But I knew a little puppet
who could.

You're unreal!

Being a supermodel
is my dream.

I'm not sharing the cover
of vogue with my mom.

I've worked too hard
to get here.

Let me just
take one class with you

And see
where it takes us.

Sound like a plan?
No!

My plan is
to retire this face at 38

'cause I'm realistic
and I know my looks
won't last.

So, I start a super-popular
teen fashion line

Called "barry comfortable"
and then, boom...

I retire to a beach mansion
in kokomo without you.

You think you'll
survive in kokomo
without your mother?

Wrong.

Kokomo will chew you up
and spit you out.

Find your own
island paradise!

Model walk, model walk,
model walk, model walk.

Good stuff.

It's just the normal
fireworks of a creative
partnership.

We really are
the lennon and mccartney

Of mother/son
supermodeling teams.

Wow.

Calabasas really exploited
your greatest weakness...

Your love for us.

Please!
You know nothing
about that man.

Actually I do.

I'm gonna show you
something,

And you have to promise
never to tell a single soul.

Of course.
I'm great at
keeping secrets.

What?
I'm okay at it.

I am the worst.
You shouldn't tell me.

I should go.
No.

You're going to sit
there and listen.

A few years ago,
john calabasas saw me
in the mall

And said I could be
a supermodel.

Pops gave me the money
to take his class.

Why didn't you tell me?

'cause of what's
in here.

There's your proof.

Look at these
tragic, awkward pictures

And tell me
it's not a scam.

What? Yea...
No, you're adorable.

Take off the mom goggles
and really look.

It's a scam.

Adult adam:
While my mom
was feeling duped,

I was attempting to
get pop-pop to
feel anything.

Ouch.

And I was right there,
ready to wipe his tears.

Need a tissue?
Yeah.

Or plug his ears.

I was all out of options.

Tell me
when it's over.

My pop-pop was unfixable.
(snoring)

I don't get it.
How do you not feel
bad for et?

I felt sorry
for those poor feds

Because they
couldn't examine
him properly

'cause that stupid kid
was always getting
in the way.

What?

That elliott ought
to be locked up.

You see something,
you report it.

Who watches et
and sides with the
fbi agents?

Who does that?
An american.

That martian
had a magic finger.

We don't know
if he can weaponize that.

It's not a weapon.
That finger's
for healing purposes only.

But we don't know
till we cut him up
and see how he ticks.

Oh, my god!
What's wrong with you?

Me?

You're the deluded one,
barry.

I blame your dad.

This is what happens
when you go soft
on your kids.

They end up
honest-to-god morons.

Adam.
My name is adam.

See you around, pop-pop.

Adult adam:
While the reality of who
pop-pop was finally sunk in,

Barry was about to face
a reality of his own.

Okay,
here comes barry.

Now's the time to tell him

That he's way too
unappealing to be
a model.

No sweat.
I got this.

Hide your daughters!

There's the most handsome
boy on the planet!

Mom.
Fine.

Honey, uh, I'm afraid
I've got some
really bad news.

Yeah, me too.

I just learned
that something

We're really stoked
about's a total sham.

There is no kokomo.
What?

I just made some
calls to the airlines
to price tickets.

Turns out the beach boys
made it up.

Honey, there's something else
I need to talk to you about.
I know.

I feel bad about our fight,
and I'm sorry.

I think I got upset
'cause no one ever told me

I was handsome before.

What?
Every day, I tell you

You're the most handsome boy
in the world.

But here's the thing...

Your words
mean nothing to me.

But when a stranger
said it,

Then I realized
it was true.

And nothing
can change that,

Even you being a model,
too.

So, let's do it.

Let's supermodel together.

(laughing) yes!

There may not be
an actual kokomo,

But we're gonna make
enough supermodel money
to build one.

Well, I give up.

Model walk.

Model walk, model walk,

Model walk, model walk,
model walk.

Way to let him
down easy, mom.

Don't you worry.

If my delicious boy
wants to be a model,

Mama's gonna
make him one.

You're okay, right?

No.
Ahh.

But you're getting
over it?

No.

Where's your mom?

She's usually, uh,
good with this stuff.

Beverly?

You probably just want
to be alone.

No.
Beverly,
where are you?

Fine.
Um, what's going on?

I'm getting rid
of all my et stuff.

Pop-pop ruined it
for me.

What'd he say?
He called me a moron.

He can't do that!

Where you going?
Put on your coat.

We're gonna have
a little talk with
your grandfather.

Adult adam:
Yep, my dad had
a very strict rule.

Only he was allowed
to call me moron.

What's
with all the knocking?

For god's sakes,
put some pants on.

It makes people
uncomfortable.

Said my dad.

What is it
you want from me?

I want you to apologize
to my son.

For what?
For calling him a moron!

Apologize!

I'm sorry
you're a moron.

Fine! You don't want
to say you're sorry.

I will.

I'm sorry you worked
in a button factory.

I'm sorry
you didn't invest in 7up.

And I'm sorry that mom left
when we were young,

Leaving you stuck
with two kids
you didn't want!

But you know what
I'm most sorry about?

I'm sorry that you're such
a miserable man

That you're gonna miss out
on your grandkids' lives

The same way
you missed out on mine.

Happy new year, dad.

Adult adam:
All I'd wanted was to bring
everyone closer together,

But what I really did
was drive them further apart.

Yes, people. Own it.

Spines straight now.
Keep those spines straight.

Does anybody know
a four-letter word

For a mongolian tent
made of skins?

It's a scam.

You're not models.
None of us are.

Shh! Please lower
your voice, okay?

And if you're here
to get your money back,

That tiny sign over there
semi-clearly says,
"no refunds."

I don't want a refund.

I want my beautiful boy
to be a model.

Look, mrs. Goldberg,

I may have painted a bit
of a rosy picture.

I can't just
get your son a job

Because it's, like,
really hard to be a model.

Did you hear that?

He said it's really hard
to be a model.

Shh!

Please, I need you
to stay focused, okay?

There's gonna be
a lot of distractions

Just like this
on the catwalks of paris.

Why don't you
just beat it?

Okay, I'll leave.

But barry
had better get a gig.

And if
that doesn't happen,

I'll call
the better business bureau,

The chamber of commerce,
and the 6:00 news.

I might even call your mother.
How would you like that?

Please do not call
my mom.

We have a very complicated
relationship.

Then you best get
to work.

Adult adam: Meanwhile,

I wasn't sure if my dad
was mad at pop-pop or me,

But I thought my
best move was to forget
the whole thing happened.

So, do you have any
new year's resolutions?

I'm thinking about
cutting back on
fruit roll-ups.

I'm sorry you had to see me
blow up like that.

No, I'm sorry.

Pops was right.
I shouldn't have mixed in.

Well, then, why did you?

I don't know.

Maybe...

Because...

I don't want there
to be a world

Where we live a mile away
and never speak.

Look at me.

That will never be us.

Really?

Yeah.

I'll always be
right here.

Adult adam: Sure,
our family wasn't perfect,

But nothing's ever unfixable.

Guess who just booked
his first modeling gig.

You can suck it.

Beverly: Well,
I am very proud

And not at all surprised.

I never really believed
this could have happened.

But you always did.

And I always will.

Oh, boopie.
(chuckles)

Nice work, handsome.

Model walk, model walk.

Model, walk, model walk,
model walk, model walk.

Adult adam:
Barry may not have been
an actual supermodel.

And we may not have
always been what you'd
call a model family

Given all the yelling
and fighting

That went on all the time.
(noisemaker blaring)

Do you have to do that?
(bleep)

You're gonna start
the new year off
acting like an idiot.

But in our house,
it wasn't about
being perfect.

It was about being together.

Dad.

Everything okay?
I pickled some beets.

It's your mom's recipe.

You want to join us?

No, it's, uh,
family time.

You're family.

Thanks, adam.

¶ baby, why don't we go?

¶ ooh, I wanna take you
down to kokomo ¶

Beverly: Get in here.
The countdown's starting.

All: Three, two...

One!

Happy new year!

'cause that's what
new year's is for.

It's a time
for new beginnings...

A time to appreciate
the people you love...

Even if sometimes
they body-slam you.

(noisemaker blaring)

But more importantly,
it's a time to look forward

To the new year
that maybe, just maybe...
Hey, hey!

...Will be even better
than the last.
Stop it.

(noisemaker blares)

Happy new year.
(noisemaker blares)

Happy new year.

(camera shutter clicking)
ooh. Nice. Great.

Hello, mother/son magazine.

Now, that's a touch of class.

(clicking continues)

Oh, look who's going
to the prom together.

Yee-haw-whoa.

(growling)
aah! Stop it!

Get off me!
I don't want to be
a model anymore!