Original subtitles

Adult adam: Growing up, my mom was many things,

But cool was definitely not one of them.

She would seriously leave the house like that.

You're not seriously gonna leave the house like that, are you?

Of course not.

(clicks tongue)

She was an absolute stickler for her uncool rules...

Curfew is 11:00.

It's 11:04.

Adult adam: Even the way she worried about us was uncool.

Do you know what could happen in four minutes?

You could drown, choke, eat poison berries.

And if any of that happens,

Then I have failed as a mother.

Adult adam: But the most uncool thing of all

Was how much our mom loved us.

I made these people, me.

I made them with my body. (chuckles)

Oh! There's this one now.

Hey, erica, it's your mom.

Erica, it's your mother!

Hi, erica and erica's friends!

Oh, my god. Mom, what are you wearing?

Isn't this adorable?

That kiosk uses technology to put memories on a t-shirt.

It's totally cool.

Oh, jill, look. There's your mom, too. Louise!

Adult adam: Louise rubin, the cool mom.

There's always one, hip, youthful,

And wouldn't be caught dead

In a shirt with her kids' faces on it.

Yep, she was the anti-beverly.

Oh, look what you've got on.

(chuckles) oh.

What are the chances, huh?

Are you here to celebrate choctoberfest

At the fudge emporium, too?

Nope. Just hanging with the girls.

Which girls? These girls. We just did our nails.

Oh...

So, you drove them here and had to wait in the car

While they enjoyed themselves, huh?

Mom, she's hanging with us, okay?

We're here to get the new madonna album.

Don't you just love... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

When you said you were going to the mall

With your friend louise, I thought that meant

A girl from your class, not mrs. Rubin.

Ugh, I don't want them to call me that.

It makes me feel like such a mom, you know?

Oh, psst. Yeah.

That's why I like erica's friends to call me bev.

Sounds good, bev. Don't like it. Go back.

Okay, this was fun. See you at dinner?

Yep. Got to fix some din-din.

Hmm. (chuckles)

Chicken's not gonna pot-pie itself,

Know what I'm sayin'? (chuckles)

Cool. Nice catching up, bev.

Okay, see you on the flip-flop! (chuckles)

The nerve of that woman,

Cold chillin' with my daughter at the mall.

Erica should be cold chillin' with me, not her!

What are you talking about?

You cold chill with erica all the time.

No.

I only feed her soup when she's sick

And give her boric-acid drops when she's got pinkeye.

I'm in the trenches doing the important, boring stuff.

But when it comes time for fun,

Well, she heads straight to louise rubin.

Wait. We're talking about louise rubin here?

Oh, she's the coolest.

What? Yeah!

She'll cut the top off her shirt

Just to show her shoulder.

Well, I can do that.

See? I'm just as cool as the next mom.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to expose my shoulder!

Poop. I just stretched it out.

Stop stretching your sweater.

Okay.

Stop!

Well, I got to stretch my sweater out

So I can show my shoulder.

(mumbling) why won't you stop?

I don't know why you can't stop, but you need to stop!

¶ I'm twisted up inside

¶ but nonetheless I feel the need to say

¶ I don't know the future

¶ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶

Adult adam: It was October 22, 1980-something,

And I was spending the night with my apple ii plus.

It had a whopping 16k of ram,

Dot matrix printer, 32-bit color graphics,

And badass, thrill-a-minute video games

Like "oregon trail."

(beeping)

Balls! (door opens)

(door closes) while I spent time with my computer,

Barry was hanging with his new crew of dudes.

They called themselves the "jenkintown posse."

Jtp! All: Jtp!

...Jtp for short.

They were older, cooler, and lived on the edge.

There was jeff schwartz, the madman...

Potato chips on a sandwich? I'm crazy!

(laughing) andy cogan, the ladies' man

Who never let his height get in the way.

(sighs) can a brother get a steppin' stool?

...And naked rob,

One of those dudes who loved getting nude.

This tank top's chafing me. I got to take it off.

Don't! Come on. Adam: Yo.

What you wild cats up to tonight?

Whatever it is, you know it'll involve some ladies! Aah!

How many ladies?

So many it's gonna be crazy!

(all laughing) oh, man. How crazy?

So crazy someone may get in-jured!

Barry: Yo, baby! It's on, baby! Whoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo!

Details! Name some of the crazy stuff you guys did!

You know how our school's always trying

To get their hands on germantown high mascot?

You stole frankie the falcon?

Well, I mean, not yet.

But once we do it, we'll be kings of the school.

Jtp! Jtp!

All: Jtp!

Dude...

You can't say "jtp" unless you're in the jtp.

Adult adam: A man could only dream.

Jtp out!

To the jtp, I was just a nerd obsessed with computers.

That all changed the day porky's ii was sold out

And they were forced to see wargames,

A movie about a kid who hacks his way

To better grades and almost blows up the world.

(computer reading)

Oh. Suddenly, they all realized that computer were awesome!

Dude! I just saw the best movie ever!

Wargames.

All this time, I thought computers

Were for lazy-eyed losers like you,

But they're actually badass.

Thank you?

Can you do any of that stuff?

I can make you a really sweet banner. I have print shop.

Can you start a global thermonuclear war on this thing?

Probably. Don't do it! There is no winner.

What else?

But what about hacking the school?

Can you change my grades?

Well, I would if I was in the jtp.

Uh, it'll take some convincing 'cause the guys

All think you suck, but, I'll make it happen.

Welcome to the jenkintown posse.

While I was one step closer to coolness,

My mom was about to take 50 steps back. Stop, stop.

'sup, ladies?

¶ when it feels like the world is on your shoulders ¶

Why are you dressed like a giant doily?

Just expressing myself like our gal madonna.

Mom, that's el debarge. He's a dude.

And since when do you like madonna, anyway?

Oh, since I heard her rockin' song about staying a virgin.

It's very cool to wait.

Is that my sixth-grade tutu?

¶ feel the beat of the rhythm mom, why, what are you doing with your hips?

¶ dance until the morning light stop it with your hips.

¶ forget about the worries on your mind why are you moving

Your hips like that?

¶ you can leave them all behind ¶ mom? Okay.

No, mom, stop. (clicks)

Well, I just want to hang out with my girls, right?

Um, what do you say we, uh,

Read some teen magazines and gossip about boys?

I'll go first.

I like murray. You go, lainey.

Uh, you smudged your beauty mark all over your upper lip.

Okay, you need to go. Come on.

What?

You let louise rubin hang out. Why not the bevernator?

I'm fun, too!

Of course you are, just not hang-out fun.

More like a "I have a freckle and I need you

"to tell me if it's worth being looked at

"by a dermatologist," kind of fun.

Every freckle is worth being looked at by a dermatologist.

Why don't you schedule an appointment for next weekend?

We can hang-out then, okay?

(sighs) yeah.

Adult adam: Madonna was a bust,

So my mom went to plan b, dermatology.

No, I can't wait six weeks to see dr. Krogen!

He's the last chance I have to bond with my daughter.

Please don't take this away from me! I'm begging you!

Adult adam: This sad display made the impossible happen,

My dad got off his ass.

Good news, you're gonna hang with your mom tomorrow.

(scoffs) no freaking way.

(chuckles) oh, yes freaking way.

Or else all the things I don't care about,

I'm gonna start having strong opinions on,

Like your allowance, gone!

No!

Curfew? 6:00 p.M.

What? Skirt length?

No skirts! What?

Just pants with pleats.

Not the pleats.

Oh-ho. Pleats a plenty.

Your mom is upstairs hurting,

And I can't bear to watch it.

So what's it gonna be?

Adult adam: As my sister was facing a night with my mom,

I was facing the reality of what hacking was in the '80s...

(beeping)

...Impossible.

(static crackling) whoa!

This phone is sick or something.

Hang up! I'm trying to hack!

This is a nightmare.

I mean, I'm starting to think a major motion picture

Has lied to me about the capabilities of home computers.

Okay, relax. How can I help?

You can't! I'll never be in the jtp!

Come on, adam. You're a great kid.

Those guys will learn to love you

If you just be yourself.

Wait. Learning.

That's it! You're a genius! Really?

I just said some pat things to make you feel better, but I'll take it.

(beeping) if barry and his friends wanted me to hack,

That was exactly what I'd do, hack their brains.

Access granted. We're in.

Yes! Sweet! Awesome!

Okay, in order for me to hack your grades,

I'll need to go in and input all the data that'll be on your test.

Wait, why would you have to do that if...

No time to argue!

Jeff schwartz, which significant

Historical event occurred in October, 1929?

Um... The stock market crashed.

Naked rob, verify.

He's right. He's right.

Uh, it ended the jazz age and began the great depression.

(keyboard clacking)

Andy cogan, what did president roosevelt

Call his program to jump-start the economy?

The new deal, enacted in 1933.

Okay, open your books to chapter 2.

Go, go, go!

Let's hack.

No, naked rob's right. It was plessy v. Ferguson.

So awesome we didn't have to learn this crap for the test.

Yeah. Yeah.

Adult adam: They weren't a smart crew, but now they were my crew.

Wow. That is a cauldron of cheese.

I read about it in tiger beat.

They say "fondue equals fun-due!"

(chuckles) do they?

So, let's go wild, huh?

Uh, oh! (gagging)

Hot, hot, hot! Hot! (gasping)

(snaps fingers) excuse me?

I'd like to report some unsafe cheese.

What if someone tried to feed that to an infant or a dog?

Mom, look who it is! What a coincidence!

Erica, mrs. Goldberg, what are you guys doing here?

Beverly: Just hangin',

Not in like a mother-daughter way,

But more of like in a girlfriends way. Isn't that cool?

Lainey: (chuckles) totally.

Speaking of cool, we're gonna go volunteer

At the soup kitchen for extra credit.

Wait a minute, erica.

Don't you need some extra credit?

Thanks for looking out, jill. You're such a good friend.

Wow. Extra credit. (chuckles)

You should definitely do that.

Say, what's the name of this soup kitchen?

Um...

Helping hands, uh... Feeding needy men's

And a lady who is also hungry.

We should go. Yeah.

You tried to ditch me?

My own daughter? Yes!

The only reason I'm here is because dad forced me.

Well, I'll tell you what, buttercup,

As of now, I'm ditching you.

What? You can't ditch me.

Oh, you've been ditched. Uh, no.

I'm the ditcher here, not you.

Well, the ditch got switched.

I will not be ditched.

The ditch is done.

Adult adam: The moment had finally come.

The jtp had accepted me into their fold.

It was time to see how the other half lived.

Aah! Brain freeze! We're insane!

(screams)

(sighs) yeah.

Turns out, the other half lived like a bunch of idiots.

Ow! Dude, that hurt so bad. That was awesome.

(chuckles) yeah? Yeah.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, no, man!

Your feet and hands should be in sync.

Go! Go! Naked rob doing what he do!

Yeah!

(indistinct conversation)

Oh, my god. (indistinct shouting)

(indistinct conversations)

Guys, I just found a toaster in the trash can.

Sweet! Let me throw it up in the air!

All: Oh!

Yes! It's more broken now!

Man: Madman schwartz strikes again!

Adult adam: The guys promised me girls and stolen mascots,

But all I got was six percent dumber.

Hey, dad. Bevy?

I thought you'd be elbow deep in some hot cheese by now.

Erica cannot even cold chill with me for a single night.

Be honest with me, am I the lamest person on the planet?

Uh...

Let's get you a drink.

Ray.

Relax, bevy.

You don't need to be cool. That's what you got me for.

But I want to be. Teach me to be cool, daddy?

No can do. You either got it, or you don't.

'sup, baby?

But, hey, that doesn't mean that you can't have a good time.

Well, I've been trying to have a good time all day,

Which is why I ate all the cheese...

Which is sitting like a rock, by the way.

Well, that's your problem, honey, you try too hard.

You want fun? Well, buckle up, old man.

(chuckles)

Ooh.

Adult adam: Pops was right, it was time for beverly goldberg

To care less and drink more.

(sighs)

(spits) ...Or just stick to daiquiris.

That was fun.

Dude! You're our hero!

What? Why?

Because the hacking worked!

We just found out we got b's on our history test.

It's awesome! (all laughing)

We got a bio test on Monday. Let's get hacking.

I'd love to help, but this game doesn't have a saving function.

If I quit now, I'd lose my place.

Then lose your stupid place.

(beeping)

Oh, my god!

How clueless can you guys be?

Shut up and hack for your posse!

Hacking isn't real.

What? Then how did we get b's?

'cause I actually tricked you boneheads into studying.

Whoa. You taught us? That's so messed up, dude.

Yeah, we trusted you and you lied to us

Like senator mccarthy lied to congress

About the threat of communism in 1953?

And, oh, my god, why do I know this?

We were right about you, man. You're just a nerd.

I'm a nerd? Well, what about you putzes?

All you guys do is hang around in a parking lot

Hiding from girls.

I mean, the craziest thing that happened

Was jeff schwartz ate a hoagie!

In 20 seconds! Like a madman!

He ate dinner, barry. He ate dinner!

You take that back!

That's it. We're kicking you both out of the jtp forever.

What? Why me?

Uh, because he's your brother

And he just shined a light on us

That makes us question everything!

You can't kick me out. I'm the founding member.

Yeah, and now you're banned, like how the volstead act

Banned alcohol from the country in 1919.

It's 1920, bro. Good catch, bro.

Jtp out.

Thanks a lot!

Adult adam: While barry went to bed angry at me,

My sister was wide awake and about to learn

What it felt like to be a worried, uncool mother.

Where have you been?

I've been worried sick about you!

Do you have any idea what time it is?

Yes. It's time to boogie.

Okay, honey, you've done enough bogeying for one night.

Oh, my god. She's drunk.

You are such a bad influence.

Come on. Be cool about this. (chuckles)

It is not my job to be cool.

You are not hanging out with her again. Understood?

Wait, this is important. This is important.

What?

(hip itched voice) I love you, too, mommy.

Okay, you can handle it from here.

I got a meter running.

Woof. Okay, she is a train wreck.

Please do not leave me alone with her.

Your mother's taken care of you your whole life.

The least you can do is take care of her for one night.

Beverly: Yeah! And you know what else?

Whoo-whoo.

(snoring)

Mom, I want waffles.

Mom, waffles.

Mom, waffles.

Mom, waffles, mom, waffles, mom, waffles.

(softly) hey, get away!

I just got her down.

Adam: I got you covered in here, big guy!

Eric: "I am sor?"

It's supposed to say "sorry."

I ran out of ink, and even this took me an hour to print.

I made waffles.

Your apology's not accepted! You made me lose my crew!

Okay, so maybe we weren't the coolest,

And madman jeff schwartz isn't that crazy,

And naked rob's got real problems, but...

(sighs) I don't know.

I've never had close friends before.

Then you just got to make it up to them. How?

We do the one thing the jtp never had the guts to do...

Steal the germantown mascot.

¶ never surrender

(beeping)

(keyboard clacking)

(printer whirring)

Radical!

(tires squeal) ¶ you were born a fighter

¶ in the bird, a mighty warrior

¶ driven by desire

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

¶ glory calls, it's waiting for you

¶ when your back's against the wall

Class started five minutes ago.

(sighs)

Here you go, my good man.

Hall pass. ¶ never surrender

¶ never say die

Get to class. ¶ you've got the heart of a hero

¶ never surrender

¶ the will to survive ¶ (falcon calls)

Slow down! You're making it nervous!

This is awesome!

Not awesome! I thought you were stealing a costume,

Not a real freaking falcon!

(whimpers) oh, crap! (laughs)

Erica: Good morning, sunshine.

Feel as good as you look?

I am so sorry about last night.

I hope I didn't do anything too embarrassing.

Well, you cried and said "I love you" a lot,

So no different from normal.

What was I thinking?

You were thinking that I'm awful for trying to ditch you.

No.

You're wonderful.

You took care of your mom all night long.

Hey, that was just for one night,

And I wanted to die.

Somehow, you do it every day for all of us,

And that's actually pretty cool.

I love you so much.

Are you still drunk?

Just buzzed.

But every "I love you" is for real.

¶ oh, feel the beat of the rhythm of the night

¶ dance until the morning light

¶ forget about the worries on your mind...

Dude, goldberg stole the germantown high mascot.

Couldn't have done it alone, ari.

This was the work of the jtp.

¶ oh, oh, yeah ¶ yes!

All: Jtp, jtp, jtp!

Jtp, jtp, jtp!

All: Jtp!

Adult adam: Yep, with a little help from me and apple ii plus,

Barry was back in the jtp.

Why do they make him wear this stupid bird hat anyway?

All: Jtp! Jtp!

¶ feel the beat of the rhythm of the night

¶ dance until the morning light he'll come back.

¶ forget about the worries on your mind (falcon calls)

¶ you can leave them all behind ¶

Adult adam: That's the thing about family.

They may not be the coolest cats on the planet,

But they're always there to take care of you

When you need them most.

Hey, what you up to?

Mom got a new toaster.

Thought I'd maybe call the jtp.

And we'd have some fun. Cool.

Actually, you know what would be even more fun?

If just you and me broke it together.

Just us? Are you serious?

As serious as truman was about the taft-hartley act.

¶ feel the beat of the rhythm of the night

¶ dance until the morning light okay, here.

¶ forget about the worries on your mind

Adult adam: Friends may come and go, but when it comes to family,

They'll always be there, watching over you.

¶ dance until the morning light

¶ forget about the worries on your mind ¶

Number one, dad. He's number one.

(bell dings)

You're stewed, buttwad. That's from "weird science."

(bell dings)

Ah! (laughs)

(bell dings)

So we can look back in a hundred years from now

And say, "hey, we had a great life."

Boys: Jtp, jtp!

Man: (on tv) you know, I like little houses and big trees...

Guess what. I went back to the photo kiosk at the mall.

And I scored you all some pretty sweet stuff.

For murray,

A tie so we can be with you all day long at work.

I think you're missing the point of work.

For adam, a pillow with my face

So I can give you snuggies all night long.

Yes. I'll sleep easy now.

For barry, a big, tasty hat for your big, tasty head.

Nice! Beverly: And finally, erica.

I know you're all cool and would never wear

Any of this stuff,

So I just got you cash.

Oh, my god, I love you!

What the hell is this?

Bev bucks. You trade them for kisses.

No. First one's free.

Take it back. First one's free!

I don't want it. I don't... Kissy, kissy, kissy!