All language subtitles for Nate Jackson - 2025 - super funny ENG

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["Halftime" by Ying Yang Twins plays]

I love it!

Make some noise right now
for Nate Jackson!

[raucous cheering and applause]

-♪ Tell 'em why they better run ♪
-♪ Crunk! ♪

♪ Crunk! ♪

♪ Crunk! ♪

[audience whooping and cheering]

What up? What up?
What up? What up? What up?

Y'all, sit down! Sit down! Sit down!

Sit down! Sit down!

-[men barking]
-[Nate] Sit down! What up, y'all? What up?

-[audience cheers]
-Man, I'm feeling the love.

Y'all got the energy crazy
in here right now.

-I love that.
-[audience cheers]

-Crazy. Crazy.
-[scattered barking and applause]

I wanna talk about something
before I start. I wanna say this.

When you guys give compliments and say,
"Hey, Nate, you're doing your thing,"

let's just keep it at that, 'kay?

-'Cause, um…
-[audience laughs]

…what I don't like is when, um,
people come up to me and say,

"Hey, your career is going great.
I love your stuff, big dog."

Um…

[audience laughing]

It's the "big dog" for me.
Like, who the fuck?

Who are you talking to?

I'm medium, bitch.
I'm a cocker spaniel now.

[audience laughs]

I've been doing 10,000 steps a day.
"Big dog" is hella disrespectful.

I'm sick of skinny people
coming up to fat people,

telling us what size they think we are.

-[laughter]
-We don't do that to you.

"What's up, big dog?"
"What's up, rib cage?" The fuck?

[audience laughs]

That's hella disrespectful.

"What's up, big dog?"
"What's up, 23 cents a day?"

[audience laughs]

[chuckles] Disrespectful.

If you're skinny, say "yeah, yeah."

-[audience] "Yeah, yeah."
-If you big, say "Yeah, yeah."

-[audience loudly] "Yeah, yeah!"
-See what I'm saying?

You keep talking shit,
we gon' eat your bitch ass.

[audience laughs, whoops]

I'm sick of it.

Skinny people tell fat people
what they're doing wrong all the time.

Didn't nobody ask you, first of all.

I'm fat 'cause I like food.
It is what it is.

I earned this body.
This is from me saying "yes."

-[audience laughs]
-I said "yes."

"You got room for dessert?"
"Yes, I do have room for dessert."

-[audience chuckling]
-[chuckles] "Would you like pie or cake?"

"Yes."

[audience laughs]

[chuckles]

This is America. Everybody fat here.
Might as well embrace it.

[audience laughs]

It's nine calories
per deep breath in America.

[audience laughs]

Fat people, is it me or the day you say
you'll get your life together,

they drop the new snacks?

-[audience laughs]
-[Nate chuckles]

I'm like, "I'm about to cut down
on all the bullshit."

"I'm not eating nothing bad."

And KFC was like,

"Check out the new chicken pizza!"

[audience laughs]

I was like,
"Nigga, they got chicken pizza?"

[audience laughs]

And then they put it on the screen,
and they had it rotating,

and all the light
was glistening off of it.

I had just ate.

[audience laughs]

I was full.

But I was, like, "I gotta go get
one of those immediately. Absolutely."

I'm with my homeboy. He saw it too.

-He was like, "Nigga."
-[audience laughs]

[chuckles] And he's white.
I was like, "Wait a minute."

[audience laughs, applauds]

"What the fuck, Trevor?"
"I'm sorry. I got overwhelmed."

"Yeah, 'overwhelmed,' your ass.
Get your car keys. We going to get it."

-[audience laughs]
-"Shotgun. And you're buying my shit."

"And you're learning about civil rights
all the way to KFC."

-[audience laughs]
-"Fuck wrong with you?"

[audience applauding]

I'm fat now 'cause of Crumbl Cookies.
I ain't even gonna hold you.

[audience laughs]

I know people have had Crumbl Cookies,
and you're like, "I just don't get it."

Go back.

[audience chuckling]

They change them out
every Monday morning at 7:28 a.m.

Don't ask me how I know the schedule.
Just know I'm plugged in.

[audience chuckling]

Crumbl Cookies don't even sit in the box
like regular cookies.

Regular cookies just be in the box.

Crumbl Cookies be in the box
like, "What's up, bitch?"

[audience laughs]

"What's up? You take a bite out of me?
What's up, baby boy?"

[woman 1 whoops]

They down there selling cultural cookies

to make you come get a cookie
just to support your people.

I'm not bullshitting. Listen.

Cinco de Mayo, they dropped
a la leche, flan, churro cookie.

This is the most racist Mexican cookie
I ever heard of.

Mexicans, they're like,
"How do you do all three?"

They figured it out.

[audience laughs]

I called my Mexican homeboy up.

I'm like, "Bro, they are selling
recipes from your culture

to get you to come down there and eat."

He was like,
"I'm already down here, fool."

[audience laughs]

"The fuck you mean, already down there?"
He's like, "Yeah, I'm down here, bro."

"I've been here since cuatro de Mayo, man.
We camped out."

-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]

"You've been there since yesterday?"

"You're gonna eat those racist cookies?"

He's, like, "They're delicious, fool."

"Wait till February." He hung up.
I'm like, "February?"

[scattered laughter, applause]

"Why does February matter?"

February came around.

Cornbread cookies.

[audience laughs]

I'm not bullshitting. Cornbread cookies.

When I tell you, I've never driven
across town that fast in my life…

I was drifting.

Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh!

And it better be good too,
or I'm protesting, bitch.

[audience laughs]

Fucking delicious.

I'm talking about, it was so good,
if your grandma had one right now,

I'd beat the shit out your grandma
for that last cookie.

[audience laughs]

Skinny people think fat people fat
'cause we don't got gym memberships.

We do.

We do! I got two right now.

[woman 2 laughs]

I got all the equipment
that's ever been on an infomercial.

I got ab rollers. I got a Shake Weight.

[audience laughs]

I was using it too.
I was like, "Yeah, this is… this is…"

-[audience laughs]
-[woman 3 whoops]

Fuck around and walked by a mirror,
like, "Hell no!"

-[audience laughs]
-What the fu… [moans]

-What the fuck?
-[raucous laughter]

[chuckles] I threw that shit
under the bed. Absolutely not.

[audience laughs]

I did P90X.
I was sweating like a motherfucker.

[audience laughs]

And he was like, "That's the warm-up."
I was like… [laughs] "Excuse me?"

[laughs] "I'm done."

[audience laughs]

"I just did the P. I'll have to come back,
get the 90 tomorrow."

"Goddamn. I might not get to the X.
I swear to God."

Two gym memberships,
one of them 24 Hour Fitness.

I got that in case I ever wanna work out
in the middle of the night.

-[audience laughs]
-I've had that four years.

I don't know what the paint looks like
inside the goddamn building.

[chuckles] I ain't never had a need
to work out at 3:30 in the morning.

I've seen people at the gym
at 3:30 in the morning.

After I leave the club and IHOP,
I stop by.

Seen the people in there,
dedicated, working out.

I'm like, "Look at these
crackhead motherfuckers in here."

-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]

I roll my window down. "Go to bed!"

-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles] "Eat a sandwich!"

[chuckles]

Listen, the membership
that I really like is Planet Fitness,

because it's clean,
and it's a no-judgment zone.

But that's the part I got an issue with.

Like, they need to
change that slogan, man.

"No judgment" is crazy. Like, none?

[audience laughs]

This is America.
We all judging a little bit.

They needed to put that on the wall.
"A little bit of judgment wouldn't hurt."

That's what it should say.

-"No judgment" is crazy.
-[audience laughs]

There was a man laying…
laying on his stomach.

Okay, you know the machine
you 'spose to lay on your stomach

and do your legs like this?

-[man 1] Leg curl.
-What's it called?

-[man 1] Leg curl.
-The leg curl? Thank you, uh, creatine.

-What the fuck?
-[audience laughs]

He doing this.

Right? This is the machine.

He the other way. He doing his neck.

-[audience laughs]
-This is where we need judgment.

Somebody gotta come up
like, "Hey, man, what the fuck?"

Right? And nobody was saying anything
'cause of "no judgment."

You're not supposed to say nothing.
Be quiet, make no noise.

I said something. I walked up.
I'm like, "Fam, turn that shit around."

-"Bro, you can't…"
-[laughter]

You know? "Why are you doing neck-ups?"

Whose dick you getting ready to suck
that you need to be clearing 45 pounds,

15 goddamn times for three sets?

Are you about to go
to the Avengers house, nigga?

Is Thor waiting on you
to come through with a superhero neck?

Turn your dumb ass around.

Do you know the staff came
and talked to me?

[audience laughs]

They saw this fool,
and they walked up to me.

"Hey, man, leave him alone.
It's no-judgment zone."

"He's using it how he feels fit."

I was like, "First of all,
uh, his dick and balls

are where my face gonna go
if I get on there next."

[audience laughing, clapping]

Ridiculous. They want you
to be quiet at the gym.

It's the only gym in the world
got a button on the wall you can hit

if somebody loud,
and they come out and get 'em.

They put 'em the fuck out the gym.

It's called a lunk alert.
You hit it, "Pow!" Purple lights go off.

Security and shit be rolling all out
from the bench presses

and popping out the locker room and shit.

"Where the fuck were y'all at
when I came in?"

They're like, "You're too loud.
Get your ass outta here."

-[audience laughs]
-That's what they do.

They want you to lift weights
and be quiet.

-You know how stupid that is?
-[woman 4] Right.

This ain't no library.
You should be able to say something.

The point of lifting weights

is what you got now
is the heaviest you've ever lifted.

-You supposed to beat yesterday.
-[woman 4] Right.

So I'm gonna pick up
the heaviest shit I've ever picked up,

and you want me to just
breathe out my nose, I can't say nothing?

-[audience laughing]
-I'm just like… [suppressed grunting]

Hell no.

The gym is supposed to be loud and wild.

Supposed to be white dudes
in the corner shaking their thighs,

like, "Yeah, motherfucker."

[audience laughs]

Fucking doing smelling salts.
[sniffs] "Yeah, motherfucker! Bitch!"

-[audience laughs]
-"Fuck yeah! Yell!"

[audience laughing]

But I gotta be quiet.

That's crazy to me.
I don't even bust a nut quiet.

-How the fuck…?
-[audience laughs]

I don't. I'm… [chuckles]
That might be too much information.

But I like to make noise.

I make noise, and I cuss at the end.

[audience laughs]

I like to get right under earlobe,

right over that clavicle
on that neck right there.

I be like… [exclaims exaggeratedly]

[inhales deeply]

"Fuck!"

-[audience laughs]
-[Nate chuckles]

That's how I bust.

-[audience laughs]
-[Nate chuckles] You gotta say something.

It don't feel complete, as a man,
if you don't say something.

[exclaims exaggeratedly]

"Fuck!"

[audience laughs]

"Whoo!" You can "whoo" after.
"Whoo!" You can do that after.

[audience laughs]

Ladies, if you haven't heard that,

if a man hasn't said that
at the end of him busting a nut,

your pussy's trash,
and I don't want you to get…

Hey. Hey. Basura.
Hey, don't get mad at me!

-[audience laughs]
-"Basura," that's "trash" in Spanish.

-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]

'Cause women with good pussy,
they know. They wait on it.

They know it's coming.
You be like… [exclaims exaggeratedly]

-She's like, "Let it out. Come on."
-[audience laughs]

"Go ahead, let it out."

"Fuck!"

"I know. I know."

"You were talking all that shit at work,
you gonna blow my back out."

[all laugh]

"Look at you,
sucking your thumb, punk ass."

-[audience laughs]
-"Look at your ass." [hums contentedly]

-You gotta say something.
-[audience laughs]

It's weird if you don't.
It's just empty air?

[exclaims exaggeratedly]

[audience laughing]

[laughter continues]

"You hungry? You want…"

[audience laughs]

[chuckles] Absolutely not.

You gotta say something.
I don't care who you are. Even a pastor.

[audience laughs]

That's the kind of pastor I want.
I need to know my pastor bust hard.

[audience laughs]

[exclaims exaggeratedly, becomes melodic]

[audience laughs, claps]

♪ Hallelujah ♪

[laughter, clapping]

♪ Fuck ♪

-[audience laughs]
-[Nate laughs]

"I done busted anoint."

[all laugh]

"You bust a nut. I bust anoint."

"Oh, that ji…" [chuckles]

"That was in there pressed down." [gasps]
"It was in their shaking." [gasps]

"It was running over." [gasps]
"It was up inside of me." [gasps]

[in singsong] "And it had to get out."

-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles] Hey, man, these are jokes.

[clapping]

-I ain't going to hell. [laughs]
-[audience laughs]

[exclaims exaggeratedly]

[audience] Fuck!

-[Nate laughs]
-[audience laughs]

[clapping]

There was even girls.

-[in high voice] "Fuck!"
-[audience laughs]

[in high voice] "Fuck!"

[chuckles] We don't bust the same.
Girls get stupid.

-[in high voice] "Fuck!"
-[audience laughs]

-[in high voice] "Fuck!"
-[audience laughs]

-[in high voice] "Fuck!"
-[audience laughs]

-[in high voice] "Fuck!"
-[audience laughs, applauds]

[Nate moans]

[breathes heavily]

[in high voice] "No judgment, though!"

[audience laughs]

[Nate laughs]

All right, listen.

[laughter subsides]

Rule number one.

If I look at you…

[audience chuckles expectantly]

…and you don't want no smoke,

look away.

[audience laughs]

That's rule number one.

We did, like, 180 cities
in the last two and a half years,

and every single show,
that is the rule and the standard.

I do not get people
unless they lock eyes with the bull

and give me consent.

So in every video you've seen
where I'm tearing somebody's ass apart,

you need to know
that it started with them locking eyes.

-[audience laughs]
-And wanting all of the bullshit.

As a matter of fact,
this is called the Roast Zone.

If anybody is accidentally down here,
it's time to get the fuck out.

[audience laughs]

'Cause rule number two is,
if I look at you and you look at me,

and I start,

and you don't like
what I decided to talk about,

looking away will no longer save you.

[audience laughs]

You gotta do it
at the top of the interaction.

You're not gonna just be
taste-testing my jokes.

[audience laughs]

People do that.
They lock eyes with me, then I start.

They're like,
"He talking about my snaggletooth."

[audience laughs]

[exasperated] "Oh my God."

They be acting blind. "Oh, he can't see me
if I can't see him." [chuckles]

♪ Georgia ♪

[audience laughs]

♪ Georgia ♪

[sings "Georgia on My Mind" melody]

If you act blind,
I'm gonna destroy your whole row.

[audience laughing]

[laughter subsides]

Rule number three, don't be sensitive
on behalf of other people.

-[scattered chuckles, whoops]
-Not in here, not tonight.

Outside of here,
you should look after your neighbor.

It'd be a better place, a better world.

-[audience laughs]
-Okay? But in here tonight…

fuck 'em.

[audience laughing]

[cheering, clapping]

[whistling]

Now, listen.

I'm well aware that
the only people that just clapped for that

are the assholes.

[audience laughs]

And you know who you are.

But there's people in here
that have big hearts. They're empaths.

When something's happening to
somebody else, they feel connected to it.

I have to say it again. Not tonight.

[audience laughs]

I want you to know,
I'm not talking to every demographic.

I'm talking to white women specifically.

[audience laughs]

Yeah, I've been doing comedy for 21 years.

I know exactly
which demographic gets sensitive first.

[audience laughs]

They touch their elbow
and start asking for police, managers.

"I'm sorry. I… I just… I just can't."

"No, I… I understand,
but it's too much for me,

and I just feel like…"

Not tonight. You hear me, white lady?
Not "no, I just feel like…"

-Let your damn elbow go.
-[audience laughs]

Right there.
Yeah, you got that look. Look out.

You touch your elbow,
police be parachuting in this bitch.

[audience laughing]

[scattered clapping]

And you may not be that person,
but there's something in your blood,

your heritage that makes you just…
It's what they do.

White women been doing this,
long before the Karen name.

[scattered chuckling]

Medieval times, they were there.

[scattered chuckling]

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they were there.

White people riding on horses, full speed,
with whatever this shit is called.

[audience laughs]

"Whoa, Cinnamon.
Whoa, whoa. Whoa, Cinnamon."

[clicking tongue] "Whoa, Cinnamon."

[scattered laughter]

Kings and Queens,

round table, sword in the stone,

white women.

[scattered laughter]

They were there, tattletaling.

"Sire!"

[audience laughs]

"Sire. No, sire, one of the court jesters
has gone too far. Please."

[audience laughs]

"May I suggest a beheading expeditiously,

as winter is coming?"

[audience laughs]

Prehistoric times.

Woolly mammoth,
saber-toothed tigers, nobody's safe.

Going outside is a dangerous activity.

You leave with seven people, "Rawr!"
You come back with five.

[audience laughs]

Uncle and auntie gone. Ain't no funeral.

You just put an "X"
over their stick figure inside the cave.

[audience laughs]

That's right.

Woolly mammoths, saber-toothed tigers,
white women, they were there.

[audience laughs]

They were there!

In the cave,

complaining.

[audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

"Ooga booga."

[audience laughs]

"Ooga booga, boo-booga,
ooga ooga boo-booga."

"Manager."

-"Ooga booga booga!"
-[audience laughs]

"Ooga boo-booga. Police."

"Ooga boo-booga booga."

[audience laughs]

And you got superpowers.

Anybody could touch their elbow,

but everybody don't get
the same police response time.

[scattered laughter]

I didn't make the rules.
It's just, this America.

-[audience laughs]
-It really is a thing.

It's hand, elbow,
somebody Black going to jail.

[scattered laughter]

Hand, elbow, nigga, jail.

[audience laughs]

♪ Hand, elbow, nigga, jail! ♪

-[audience laughs]
-[Nate laughs]

Everybody, sing it with me!

-[audience inhales] ♪ Ha… ♪
-Shut the fuck up!

[audience laughs]

Shut up!

Way too many white people
took a deep breath.

[audience laughs]

Motherfuckers was gonna say it. I saw you.

He was like… [inhales]

-"Oh shit, I was…"
-[audience laughs]

"I can't wait for that third word,
motherfucker! I'm gonna say it!"

Not tonight, white people.

[audience laughs]

You almost got your hand
on your elbow now. Calm down.

-[audience laughing]
-[scattered applause]

It's important. It's the whole reason
why rule number three exists.

Let me tell you guys how this happened.
We was in Ontario, California.

There was a man in a wheelchair,
right where you're sitting in the glasses.

I like what you're doing with that.

He was in a wheelchair.
And there's two kinds of wheelchairs.

There's the no-insurance wheelchair.

[audience laughs]

Everybody's seen the wheelchair.

It's the one in the back
of the Rite Aid, CVS.

It's next to the little thing
you put your arm in,

get your blood pressure.

[audience laughs]

When somebody finish up with it,
they fold it up and leave it there

for the next person with no insurance.

They got the pedals on it.

You gotta put the pedals down,
then your feet up.

You do everything yourself.

You wanna turn right, you gotta push it.
You wanna go left, you pull it.

You gotta work hard.

-That's the no-insurance wheelchair, okay?
-[audience laughs]

My man didn't have that one.
Something happened to him at work.

He was paid.

I could tell he was rich,
because his feet were elevated.

[scattered laughter]

This is the insurance, L&I claim,
"I won the lawsuit" wheelchair.

[audience laughs]

This is the "I fell off a ladder
at my government job" wheelchair.

I'm talking about, he had on shoes
that were ten years old,

and they looked brand-goddamn-new.

They have never touched the ground before
in the life of the shoe.

It went from shelf to feet,
feet to shelf, shelf, feet,

feet, shelf, shelf, feet.

-[audience laughs]
-Feet, shelf.

They never touched the ground.
He on a memory foam pillow. Tesla battery.

[audience laughs]

He got a joystick. "Zuh! Zuh!"
He ain't doing nothing, man. "Zuh!"

He barking. "Zuh, zuh, zuh!"
"I'll go. I'll…" "Zuh, zuh!"

-[audience laughs]
-'64 Impala hydraulics.

-[audience laughs]
-And he was sitting right there.

Roast Zone, paid a premium,
wanted some smoke.

[audience laughs]

Nothing worked
but his face and two fingers.

His face was locked on me.

He wasn't even blinking
as much as he should.

He wanted some. I walked out,
he was looking at me, eyes juicy.

[scattered laughter]

I looked in his eyes,
and I looked at what was going on,

I was like, "Hell no."

[audience laughs]

"I'm not roasting a paraplegic.
I ain't going to hell for nobody."

"I'm sorry."

"Absolutely, I'm not doing it.
He gets a pass." So I roasted around him.

[scattered laughter]

That way, he can live vicariously
through the other roasts.

I moved on.
I start working this side of the room.

I'm cooking on this side.
He noticed I was done over here.

He took offense to that.

He starts trying to get my attention.

He's like… [slurred] "Nate."

[audience laughing]

[strains shrilly] "Nate!"

[audience laughs]

-[roars] "Nate!"
-[audience laughs]

I ignored it. I got a job to do.

[audience laughs]

I ignored it. He started whisper-yelling.

That's when I couldn't focus no more.
He broke my attention. He was like…

-[guttural whisper] "Nate…"
-[audience laughs]

-[hoarsely] "Nate…"
-[audience laughs]

[high-pitched] "N…"

[screeches] "Nate!"

That's the one that got me.
I was like, "What?! What?!"

[audience laughs]

"Will you please let me do my show, fam?"

He was like… [slurred] "How come
when you roasted everyone

over here…

you didn't get me?"

[audience laughs]

My heart dropped. I was like, "Oh my God."

-[audience laughs]
-"This moment is happening."

"This is my worst nightmare,
as somebody that fucks with the audience,

he wants some smoke,
and I just can't… I can't do it."

[audience laughs]

I looked at him and was like,
"Man, life's already on your ass."

-"Just let me… just let me do my show."
-[audience laughs]

I looked in his eyes. You could tell…
The eyes are of the window to the soul.

They were juicy and jovial.
I could tell he was a playful soul.

As soon as I looked at him,
he was like… [snickers]

[audience laughs]

Like, he knew this was his moment
to act the damn fool.

He was like… [slurred] "Are you sure…"

[audience laughs]

"…it's not because…"

[inhales deeply]

"…you're a bitch?"

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] I said, "Wha…"

"What the fuck is happening right now?"

"I come out here to do my job."

"I give him a pass. Now I'm a bitch?!"

-[audience laughs]
-"Okay, Mario Kart, let's get into it."

[audience laughs]

So I called him Mario Kart,
and he laughed immediately.

He was like, "Ah-ha!"

He laughed so hard, his tongue came out,
somebody put it back in. It was amazing.

Once he laughed,
it gave everybody permission to laugh.

It was that sweet spot in comedy

where we not laughing at him,
we laughing with him.

It's the golden moment in comedy,
and it was perfect.

And he was laughing his ass off,
and I kept hitting him with jokes.

I'm like, "How'd you get here?
On the Rainbow Road?"

♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪

He was like… [slurred]
♪ Duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh-duh ♪

♪ Duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh ♪

And I'm like, "Oh, out of nowhere,
a turtle shell strikes you from behind."

He's like, "I can't feel it."
It was crazy.

It was a crazy moment,
but everybody was laughing.

We were having fun. Out of nowhere,
white lady ruins the goddamn moment.

Stands up in the back,
she's like, "Absolutely not!"

[audience laughs]

"Who makes fun of a paraplegic?"

-"What the fuck, Nate Jackson?"
-[scattered laughter]

Sucked the air out of the room.

Everybody just felt like an asshole
piece of shit at the same time.

-[scattered laughter]
-Everybody.

It snatched us back to reality.

Everyone that was having fun was like,
"Am I laughing at a paraplegic?"

[audience laughs]

Especially me. I called him Mario Kart.
I'm like, "I'm for sure going to hell."

It don't matter what I do in life.

I can give back to the community,
St. Jude's…

[audience laughing]

I'm a member of Omega Psi Phi.

We give back in blood drives,
and all the philanthropies,

and none of that would matter
at the entrance to heaven's gates

when I'm like, "What's up with this line?
Let your boy in."

[scattered laughter]

They're like, "Before we let you in,
we wanna show you a PowerPoint quick."

[audience laughs]

I'm like, "A PowerPoint?
Of what? All my good deeds?"

[audience chuckles]

"Mario Kart."

[audience laughs]

How y'all get that footage?

"When I died, I brought it.
I don't give a fuck."

"When I died, I bought it."

"I brought it. Absolutely not."

"I need a manager.
Who's running this place?"

[scattered laughter and clapping]

It was so quiet in there, man.

Like, you could hear a mouse

bust.

[audience laughs]

It was like… [squeaking]

[audience laughing]

[squeaks]

[all laughing]

[scattered applause and whooping]

[squeaking]

-[squeaks]
-[audience laughs]

[Nate laughing heartily]

[woman 5 whoops]

[Nate sighs] It's terrible.

Only one person on God's green earth
can save a moment like that.

The person that could, did.
Wasn't me. It was way over my head.

My man in the wheelchair,
he piped up, out of nowhere.

"Shut up, bitch!"

[audience laughs and applauds]

"I paid for this!"

[audience laughs]

Just like that,
everybody came back to life.

They were like,
"I paid for this! Fuck this bitch!"

The whole crowd,
you should've seen, it was like a wave.

It just rushed over the whole crowd.
People's joy was back, laughing.

I could see tongues sticking out,
like, "Ha-ha-ha!" People were having fun.

The wave went all the way across,
back to dude in the wheelchair.

He was like, "Ah-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha!"

"Ah! Ah!"

-"Oh! Oh! Oh!"
-[audience laughs]

"I'm really walking!"

"I'm fucking walking! I'm wa…"

-[laughs]
-[audience applauds]

-[whooping, whistling]
-[scattered applause]

That didn't happen.

[audience laughs]

But it could have. It could've happened.

Laughter heals.
Don't block nobody else's blessings.

[man 2] Yeah!

That's the rules, okay?

Now turn on the lights down here.
Let me see some people.

And give me my screen
so I can cook this whole damn crowd.

[audience cheers and applauds]

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Let's go right here. You got a…
There's a man with a… with a ponytail.

-[audience chuckles]
-It's a man bun.

[Nate] A man bun?

Okay. I'll take that.

Are you Hawaiian, Samoan?

-[man 3] Samoan.
-[hoarsely] Sa…

[audience chuckles]

-[mimics Samoan vocalization]
-[audience laughs]

I fuck with the Samoans tough. Hell yeah.

So what club do you work at?

-[audience laughs]
-[man 3 chatters inaudibly]

[chuckles] That's security right there.

You're like, "Let me see your ID.
Let me see, fool."

-[audience laughs]
-"Chee-hoo."

"Chee-hoo."

"Chee-hoo."

[sternly] "Chee-hoo."

[laughs]

So this your girl you got in the headlock?

Outstanding.

That's my world right there.

That's "your world"?

Back up. That's too much.
You're giving her too much.

You giving her…
That's how you get your heart broke.

Just give her a couple of continents.
Don't gotta give her the whole world.

-[audience laughs]
-Goddamn. The whole Earth?

Okay.

Everything about her
is what you encompass your love in?

-Oh yeah, definitely.
-[Nate] Yeah, you crazy as a motherfucker.

-[audience laughs]
-I am.

He's like, "I am. Literally, over her,
I'll kill everybody in this motherfucker."

[audience laughing]

[scattered clapping]

So how'd you meet your girl?
At a soccer match?

-[audience chuckles]
-Actually, at a house party.

Oh, a house party?

So the backyard, pig in the ground?

[audience laughs]

Are you Samoan as well?

Hawaiian.

Um, you got a little bass in your voice.

[audience laughs]

She was like… [in deep voice]
"I'm Hawaiian. What's happening?"

"What's up?
You like dicks and balls? What's up?"

-[audience laughs]
-That's my world.

He said, "That's my world."

[audience laughs]

"And I'll stick beside him."

[laughs]

Goddamn. You sound like the Allstate man.

-[audience chuckles]
-[Nate laughs]

-[in deep voice] "Are you in good hands?"
-[audience laughs]

[Nate laughs]

All right, let's move on to this side.

-[man 4] Yeah!
-I wanna talk to him real bad.

[audience laughs]

He was like, "Yes, bitch." What the fuck?

-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]

He's so gay, I noticed it in 0.2 seconds.

[audience laughs]

What's your name, sugar?

-John.
-[Nate] Nice to meet you, John.

So, uh, what do you do for money?

I work at Western State Hospital.

That's where the, uh…
where the clinically, the insane…

Do you recognize anybody in here?

[audience laughs]

Huh? You recognize
anybody that's nuts up in here?

Is that your… You take that hair off
at night or that stays on your head?

It's all mine.

[Nate] That's you?

Okay, 'cause it looks like
you can just be like, "Oh, goddamn."

-[audience laughs]
-"Whew! That was a long day. Goddamn."

"Oh, we going back out?
My bad, my bad, my bad."

-[audience laughs]
-"My bad."

[audience whooping, applauding]

What'd you just say to me?

[audience chuckles]

Bitch, you know who you fucking with?
I will throw this motherfucker over there.

[audience laughs]

I'm gonna throw
this motherfucking bun, bitch.

[laughs]

Outstanding.

All right, so I wanna talk
to the Indiana Jones here.

-[man 5] Whoo!
-[audience chuckles]

[Nate laughs]

Put him on the screen
and brighten it up, man.

-It's too dark. Shit.
-[audience laughs]

Y'all set the camera for white people.
Brighten it up!

[audience laughs]

Goddamn. More.

More!

More! More! More!

[audience laughing, cheering]

[whistling]

[Nate laughs]

People are like, "I didn't even know
he was sitting right there!"

[audience laughs]

[chuckles] How long you been
barbecuing with no tools?

[audience laughs]

[Nate laughs] You look like
you don't got no spatula.

You just grabbing the meat.
"Y'all want one of these patties?"

"One of them! One of these patties. Good."

"Mwah, mwah, mwah.
One of these patties. Whoa!"

"And all these hot dogs gotta be rolled."

[trills] "Frrrrrrrr!"

-It's like… "Goddamn, Earl."
-[audience laughs]

-I love it.
-[Nate laughs]

What's your name, man?
You got a great spirit.

Armando.

Armando?

Oh, I didn't expect that at all.

[audience laughs]

-He look like a Earl, a Ernest…
-[laughter continues]

[chuckles, in dramatic voice] "Armando!"

-What? [laughs]
-[audience laughing]

Don't laugh that hard.
You're scaring the shit out of me, man.

[audience laughs]

He look like he gonna laugh
until a heart pop.

[laughs, grunts]

[audience laughs]

So, Armando,

what do you do for a living?

I make custom iron.

-[Nate] Custom iron?
-Yes, sir.

Like to get the wrinkles
out your clothes, or like,

iron like metal?

You know, so those things that bend it.

-What?
-Oh yeah. Welds…

We still need that?

-[audience laughs]
-Oh yeah.

That's not…
There's not a machine doing that yet?

We are the machine.

It's just you in there bending shit?

-[audience laughs]
-[inaudible]

Goddamn, Armando.

What have you built
that I would be proud of if I saw it?

-[audience laughing, clapping]
-[Nate chuckles]

He didn't build no idea. Goddamn!

He was like… [chuckles, fades]

[audience laughs]

"Oh, Lord!"

[audience laughs]

[Nate laughs]

This your queen right here?

I see you got your hand interlocked.

How long y'all been loving like this?

-About two and a half years.
-[Nate] Two and a half years?

That's a lot less time
than I thought you was gonna say.

-[audience laughs]
-[Nate chuckles]

I mean, goddamn!

-[audience laughs]
-How'd you meet this young lady, man?

How does an older gentleman like yourself,
suave, pull a younger woman like this?

What'd you do, Armando?

-I just said, "Hey, come here." She came.
-[audience] Oh!

He said, "I just said, 'Hey, come here!'"

[audience laughs]

[laughs] "I was holding the cage I built."

[audience laughs, applauds]

"She was motivated to come over to me
when I had said, 'Come here!'"

-[audience chuckles]
-[Nate laughs]

So two and a half years?

And so what was your first date?
Like, how did this origin story start?

We met online.

[Nate] You met online?

What app?

[audience chuckles]

SweetBabyRays.com?

[audience laughs]

[Nate laughs heartily]

He like, "That's my cousin!"

[audience laughs]

[Nate laughs]

Your cousin. [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

All right, who else we gon' talk to?

Let's talk to you, sir. You look like
you program computers from scratch.

[audience chuckling]

-What do you do for a living?
-I'm a butcher.

You're a butcher?

[audience laughs]

Did that strike fear
in anybody else's heart?

[audience laughs]

So all day long,
you're just cutting up meat?

All right, I'm gonna move on, man.

-[audience laughs]
-You know what I'm saying?

[scattered clapping]

That's not who
I'm trying to see in the alley.

-[audience chuckles]
-"You talking shit, fool."

"Thum, thum, thum, thum."

"Are you sharpening a knife?" "Yeah."

-[audience chuckles]
-"My favorite one."

-[audience laughs]
-[Nate chuckles]

So do you eat meat?

Yeah.

[chuckles] He was like, "Yeah. Hell yeah!"

[audience laughs]

Are these your people right here?

Yeah? How far does it go?

The whole row?

What are y'all? Is that Mexicans?

[audience chuckles]

Oh, okay. I saw y'all van out there.

[audience laughs]

[chuckles] All of them was in one van.

[audience chuckles]

♪ Fa, fa, fa, fa, da, da, da! ♪

[audience laughs, applauds]

What's up with the big one in the middle?
How you doing?

I see you pulled your little curl down.

-[Nate laughs]
-[audience laughs, applauds]

[whooping, whistling]

Let it happen. Let it live.

Pull the curl down, baby.
This is Netflix, man. Get your shine on.

[audience cheering]

Hell yeah.

You look like Bruno Mars
if he had a bad thyroid gland.

[audience laughs]

[laughs]

♪ Fellas, put your steaks in the air! ♪

[all laughing]

What's your name, man?

José.

[Nate] José? No way.

[audience laughing]

[man 6] There's two!

You telling me
there's another José on the same line?

Raise your hand if your name's José.

So you're José and he's José?

Holy shit.

You're… you're Mexican too?

Okay. You're a different kind
of Mexican than them.

-[audience chuckles]
-No, we're the same.

You… you, uh, Michoacán? Michoacán?

Yeah, I know the Mexicans.
I'm not up here 'cause I'm stupid.

[audience laughs]

[chuckles] He has
Michoacán facial features.

I know what I'm talking about.
He got dimples.

You're something else.
You look like the Cleveland Indian logo.

You, you look like his lawyer.

[audience laughs]

Yeah.

Hold on. Ma'am, could you move
your big-ass head so we can see him?

[audience laughs]

Goddamn. She like…

[audience laughing]

"I'm on TV as well!"

[audience laughs]

[chuckles] So what do you do
for a living, uh, little José?

[audience laughs]

-I work from home.
-[Nate] You work from home?

Okay, not to be racist…

[audience chuckles]

…but I've never heard a Mexican say that.

[audience laughs]

[chuckles] Ever.

From home? Crazy.

On homes? Yes.

[audience laughs]

[Nate laughs]

You never heard a Mexican say
he works from home. No disrespect.

La raza, my friend, but… That's crazy.

What do you do from home?

I'm a manager.

[Nate] You're a manager from home?

[audience laughing]

José.

Medium José.

[audience laughs]

Is he making this shit up or is this real?

You're a manager from home?
What do you manage?

Payment service.

[Nate] Payment service?

They got bill collectors for weed?

-[audience laughs]
-[Nate chuckles]

[chuckles] You're like,
"Uh, you had an ounce, fool. Uh…"

[audience laughs]

"When are you bringing it back?"
"Bring it back?"

[chuckles] "I smoked that shit, baby.
It's in the air."

He's like, "No way, José."

[audience laughs]

[Nate] Wow.

And what about you, Medium José?
Is this your girl right here?

Oh my God.

[audience chuckling]

Ma'am, are you safe? I just feel like…

[audience laughs]

[Nate chuckles]

That's a lot of meat, huh?

[audience chuckles]

Hell yeah.

Y'all look good together.
How did y'all meet, fall in love?

It was my sister's friend.

Your sister's friend?

Uh-oh.

[audience chuckles]

So you just went over there?
You just walked up, like…

-[mimics pounding footsteps]
-[audience laughs]

Yo quiero Modelo.

-[audience laughs]
-[Nate chuckles]

She's like… [in high voice]
"I like 'em big. How you doing?"

"Oh my God, papi. Wow. Look at your curl."

[audience laughs]

"Oh my God."

Y'all look like y'all in love, though.
Y'all got good spirits, I can tell.

How much you like her,
scale from one to 6,804?

Infinite.

-[Nate] Huh?
-She's my world.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[whistling, cheering]

Touché.

[audience laughs]

And then I just wanted to talk to you guys

because, um, you look just like,
you know, like…

-[woman 6] Aw!
-[audience chuckles]

[Nate] You look like you know
where everybody lives in the neighborhood.

[audience laughs]

"The Jenkins got a new lawnmower!"

[audience laughs, applauds]

That's the face you have, ma'am.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a high school teacher.

-[Nate] High school teacher?
-Yeah.

-Which grade?
-[woman 7] Uh, seniors.

[Nate] And then what do you?
Are you a PE teacher?

[audience laughs]

You look like it.
"Just run another lap, Jackson!"

-[audience laughs]
-You know what I'm saying?

-You're a what?
-Industrial mechanic.

-[Nate] What?
-Yeah.

Give me $300.

[audience laughs]

What do you work on? What industry?

Apple-packing equipment.

Apple packing?

So you work with the row behind you?

[audience laughing]

[clapping, cheering]

[Nate laughs]

All the Mexicans clap, like,
"Yeah, that was funny. That was funny."

Everybody but you. You're like,
"What the fuck, fool? What the fuck?"

"I actually pick apples. What the fuck?"

[audience chuckles]

Um, how did y'all meet?

Like, how did just two healthy,
older white people get together?

[audience laughs]

I knocked on his door.

-You knocked on his door?
-Yeah.

[audience chuckling]

I was with my boyfriend.

-Oh, this is getting good. Hold on.
-[audience laughs]

[chuckles] I'm gonna explain.
Don't worry. I got you.

[audience laughs]

She said, "I knocked on his door. He-he."

[audience laughs]

Then she went, "I was with my boyfriend."

[audience] Whoa!

And that's when I scoot up.

-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]

So you were with your boyfriend
and knocked on his door?

Yeah.

-[Nate] Explain.
-So we were… It was a barbecue.

How do you go from a barbecue
to knocking on his door?

This is very interesting.

-My boyfriend…
-[Nate] Yeah?

Friends with benefits, I should say.

-[audience] Oh!
-[Nate exclaims exaggeratedly]

[audience] Fuck!

She's like, "My boyfriend,
or friends with benefits, I should say."

Freaky-ass lady!

-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles] She look hella innocent!

She's like, "Anybody want some vagina?"

[audience laughs]

[Nate chuckles]

"Gather round, seniors!"

[audience laughs, groans]

They're of age. They are of age.

-[audience laughing]
-[Nate chuckles]

"I saw you."

[audience laughs]

Okay, so you and your…

you and your fuck buddy
went over to his house

and knocked on the door, for what?

The barbecue. His barbecue.

-[Nate] It was your barbecue.
-My barbecue.

Okay. And then he just… you just took her?

[audience laughs]

Pretty much.

At the door, you were like,
"Only her, fool. You stay back."

[audience laughs]

Or did you, like, holler at her
all through, like, the barbecue?

Were you like, "Look,

all the potato salad's gone,
but I saved you a scoop"?

[audience laughs]

So… so you stopped
talking to your fuck buddy

and went back over to this house again?

You're like, "You say you have more meat.
Where is it at?"

[audience laughs]

[Nate chuckles]

So how long y'all been together?

Twenty-nine years.

Twenty-nine years!

[audience cheers, applauds]

That's beautiful.

That's a perfect example.

They found real love.

Started from some bullshit.

[audience laughs]

All the single women,
you need to take notes.

You're out here,
living life like a cactus.

[audience chuckles]

You're dry, nobody can get on.

[audience chuckles]

Sometimes you just gotta go
knock on the door

and get dicked down by the man
with the barbecue spatula in his hand.

[audience laughs]

Now where the single ladies at? Say, "Ow!"

[women] Ow!

That explains why you guys
were looking around.

Single fellas say, "Yeah!"

[men, scattered] Yeah!

[audience laughs]

Who was that?

Oh, that was you? You look handsome.
How come you don't got nobody?

What's wrong with you?

[audience chuckles]

What's your name? Chad?

Jake.

And what do you do for, uh, State Farm?

[audience laughs]

I fish in Alaska.

[Nate] You fish in Alaska?

Do you want me to hook you up?

-Go ahead.
-[Nate] What you mean, "go ahead"?

[audience laughs]

I need you to be like, "Yes, please, sir."

And you're like, "I don't give a fuck.
I'll fuck somebody." Like, what the fuck?

You come in here,
looking like a big-ass mini-me.

I'm trying to help you.

[audience laughs]

Lookin' like Stone Warm Steve Austin.

[audience laughing]

What the fuck?

Fuck it. I'm not… You know what?
You're just gonna be on your own tonight.

[audience laughs]

You wanna meet somebody? Go to a barbecue.

[audience laughing]

All right, Jake ain't got no bitches.
Let's move on.

-[audience laughs]
-No bitches.

I believe in love.
That's what I'm trying to get at here.

I believe in love.

I think that message
needs to be out in the world.

There's a lot of stuff being torn up,
but love is strong. I believe in love.

-[audience cheers]
-I really do.

Matter of fact, if you with your person,
look 'em in the face and say "I love you."

[audience chattering]

[Nate] Oh, that's beautiful.
I like that one.

Listen, if you got somebody, stay,
even if it's on the rocks a little bit.

[audience chuckles]

Relationships don't be perfect.
That's not real. It's ups and downs.

You ask anybody been together long
and they go through shit.

You think she wants him picking apples
all day with Mexicans?

[audience laughs]

It's ebbs and it's flows.

I'm just saying,
if it ain't good, just stay.

Fellas, stay with your girl, man.

Even if, every night you go to bed,
she hits you in the side of your head.

[audience laughs]

Every night, like,
"I'm gonna call it a night."

She be like, "Come here."

[audience laughs]

It's like…

[whines] "Why you always hittin' me?"

Stay. It's better than what's out here
in these streets. I promise you.

Ain't shit out here
but tumbleweeds and whores.

[audience laughs, whistles]

Tumbleweeds and whores!

And when's the last time
you saw a tumbleweed?

[audience laughs]

It's all whores.

[audience laughing]

Dating is trash. Everybody lying.
I've been catfished two times.

[audience laughs]

Worst catfish I ever heard of
in my life wasn't even me,

and I wanna share this with y'all

because this shit is crazy.

It's my homegirl. She got catfished.

She fell in love on Plenty of Fish,
which is crazy by itself.

[audience laughs]

But she fell in love.

And I'm talking, like,
talk on the phone for four days straight,

one call.

[audience laughs]

Phone plugged in. It's still dying.

[audience chuckles]

I bumped into her on the fifth day.
I'm like, "Where the hell you been?"

She's like, "I met the man of my dreams
on Plenty of Fish. I love him so much."

"And we're gonna go on a date.
He planned it. We're gonna go on a hike."

I was like, "Um…"

[scattered laughter]

"…so you about to go somewhere
where can't nobody hear you scream

with somebody you met on the Internet?"

[scattered chuckling]

"That's the first part of the date."

"The second part,
if we're vibing on the hike,

we're going back to his place,
and we're gonna kick it."

I was like, "Wow!"

[audience chuckles]

Now, listen, ladies, I don't mind
if you wanna have sex on your first date.

Please do. Right? Just knock on the door.

[audience laughing, clapping]

Interrupt the barbecue.
"Who wants some pussy?"

-[audience laughs]
-[Nate chuckles]

Do it.

My issue is going on a hike
and then fucking.

I'm like, "Who wants that pussy?
That's crazy."

[laughs] You know what I'm saying?

Who prefers a pussy
with 4,000 steps on it? That's…

-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]

Your knees swollen. She's inflamed.
There's a pine needle in there.

I don't want just-hiked pussy, please.

I prefer just-out-the-tub,
uh, wet footsteps.

[audience laughs]

You know? That's my preference.

[audience laughs]

So I asked her after, I seen her after,
I said, "How was the date?"

She said, "It was…
it was fucking terrible."

-[audience laughs]
-I'm like, "What happened?"

She's like, "Yeah, I got over there,

and he didn't have no legs."

[audience laughs]

I said, "What the fuck?"

[audience laughs]

You know, I'm like,
"He ain't have no legs? None?"

I said it like
you could have a little bit of legs.

[audience laughs]

She's like, "Yes, none, Nate!
No legs at all!" Now she mad.

"I get over there.
This motherfucker a chicken nugget."

I said, "Whoa!"

-"Wait. You can't say that."
-[audience laughs]

"You can't… you cannot call somebody
with no legs a chicken nugget."

She's like, "Fuck that.
I'm a grown woman."

"I want a man that can stand up for me."
I was like, "That's crazy."

-[audience laughs]
-[Nate chuckles]

"I deserve a man
that can stand up for me."

"Get there, he's a boneless chicken wing.
I can't believe it."

"I was like, 'a boneless wing?'"

"How we gonna go on a hike anyway, huh?
In a shopping cart?"

"I'm gonna just push him
around a whole mountain trail."

"I get a mountain bike,
put him in the basket,

I'm peddling my ass off,

he pointing at the moon,
talking about he wanna phone home."

"I don't understand, Nate.
I'm a good woman."

I was like, "I am so sorry.
I am so sorry."

But I gotta be honest, once she said
he didn't have no legs, all I heard was,

"Wah-wah-wah, w-w-wah-wah-wah."

[chuckles]

Straight Charlie Brown teacher mode.

'Cause every man in the history of men,

once you hear somebody ain't got no legs,
you got one burning question.

And, fellas, be honest,
if you were just with your homeboys,

no girls around,

y'all gonna be like, "Okay."

[scattered expectant chuckling]

"But, um…"

[audience laughing]

"…did you fuck?"

-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles] That's all we wanna know!

Shit.

Fuck legs.
I wanna know, "Did you hit that?"

[audience chuckling]

She was like, "Absolutely not, and nothing
to do with the legs. He was a liar."

[audience laughs]

"Had he been honest to me about the legs,
maybe, but it was the lies for me."

-I was like, "You are a liar!"
-[audience laughs]

"It was the legs! You want a man
that can do a jumping jack. Be honest."

[audience chuckles]

And it's his fault. It's his fault.
I've thought about this at great lengths.

I don't smoke weed, but these are things
I think about late at night.

[audience chuckles]

If something happened
and I didn't have legs,

I do believe I could get some pussy
before women realize I ain't got no legs.

[audience laughs]

[chuckles] Look at you,
like, "How the fuck?"

-I've thought about this.
-[audience laughs]

You come to my house,
I'm in a bubble bath.

[audience laughing, clapping]

It's hella bubbles.
You gonna imagine legs are under there.

It's not. There's no legs in there.
It's dick and deceit.

"Get in the water, bitch.
The water is fine. Get in the water."

[scattered chuckling]

[Nate chuckles]

I think I could do it.

She didn't do it, though.
And I'm like, "Why are you like that?"

"Like, you shorted yourself
a wonderful core memory, you know?"

[scattered laughter]

[chuckles]

Life is what you've been through.

Like, she could have turnt up
and been like, "one time at band camp,"

but she didn't.

[audience laughs]

She thinks she's better than us,
and that's terrible.

Let me tell you about me.

You may not know this,
but, uh, if I get dressed up,

take me in the shower,
get on my deodorant,

socks, draws, wifebeater, get dressed,

fill my truck up with gas
and drive across town,

expecting a legged woman,

and I get there, and then
she's just propped up on the counter…

[scattered laughter]

…with her elbow on the microwave…

[audience laughs]

…and she's just wigglin'
her lil' nubs like that…

[audience laughs]

…I'm gonna fuck, and…

-[audience laughs]
-I am. I know who I am. I'm gonna fuck.

It's not gonna take me long
to decide, either.

[audience laughs]

I was expecting legs.

She was sending me photoshopped pictures
of her body on her little friend's legs,

all of that.

I get there, I'm still holding the door.
I'm in the doorway.

See, most men get in, get comfortable,
then start asking questions.

Not me. I don't beat around the bush.
I wanna know what the fuck going on.

I'm in the doorway on the linoleum.

[audience laughs]

"The fuck happened to your legs?"

[audience laughs]

She like, "I ain't got no legs."

[scattered chuckling]

"You want some pussy or not?"

[audience laughs]

[laughter continues]

[audience laughing]

I'ma do it!

'Cause legs be in the way.

[audience laughs]

Be honest, legs be in the way.
Fellas, be honest.

You ever been with your girl after brunch,
she drunk, like…

[in high voice] "I want some dick, yeah"?

You're like, "Okay,
let me get to the pussy then."

[in high voice] "Ha-ha-ha!
Find it! Yeah! Find it!"

-[audience laughs]
-"Ha-ha!"

"If you can get by my legs,
you can have it!"

You're like, "What the fuck is going on?"

I don't gotta deal with that.
She ain't got no legs.

[scattered laughter]

You know how many positions
you can do without legs in the way?

She grown. She just ain't no legs.
She wants some dick.

She right there on the ground,
talking about, "Up, up, up, up, up."

[audience laughs]

"Up, up."

[mouthing inaudibly]

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] "Up, up."

[chuckles] But she's 44 or 45.

[scattered laughter]

Nice little age. She's like,
"Give me some of that dick, young man."

"Oh, who you calling 'young man'?"

"You don't know
who you fucking with, girl. Shit."

[chuckles] You about to be a helicopter,
fucking with me.

[audience laughs]

[laughs] I'm gonna pick her up,
put her on the dick. "Fa, da, da, da!"

She like, "Ah-ha-ha-ha!"

"Yeah!"

"Spin me again!"
"You going the other way, bitch!"

"Da, da, da!" "Ah-ha-ha! Yeah! Ha-ha!"

Fuck around, get good to me.
I'm like, "Yeah!" [exclaims exaggeratedly]

[audience] Fuck!

-[audience applauds]
-[Nate laughing]

[whooping, applauding]

[whistling]

[Nate chuckles]

[applause subsides]

[Nate sighs]

Unequivocally, I was like, "If a woman
don't got no legs, I'm fuckin'."

[scattered chuckling]

What about you, bro? Would you do it?

No.

[Nate] No?

You got a hickey on your neck
right now, freaky-ass boy.

-[audience laughs]
-[Nate chuckles]

You're not gonna. What about you?
Would you fuck a girl with no legs?

-No.
-[Nate] No? Okay. What about you? Hmm?

-[man 7] Lying!
-Yeah, they lying their asses off.

You would?
Real man right there, being honest.

Appreciate that. Hell yeah.
What about you?

Jake, you ain't got no bitches.
Would you smash?

-[audience chuckles]
-[Nate] He's like, "Yeah, I would."

[chuckles]

What about you, huh,
barbecue steel, Indiana Jones?

-[audience laughs]
-Be honest. It could be her.

What is she didn't have no legs?

He said, "Give me that ass, girl!"

-[audience laughs]
-[laughs]

He said, "She ain't even gotta have arms."

"She could be a sexy caterpillar,
fucking with me."

-[audience laughs]
-"Goddamn duffel bag."

[chuckles] "He's a liar."

[chuckles] But you not gonna do it?
You think you're better than us, huh?

-No.
-[Nate] Interesting.

Okay, what if… what if…
Some men need to know why.

So let's just give you
what happened to her leg. So…

-[breathes deeply]
-[audience chuckles]

[Nate chuckles]

So she's a patriot.

She was fighting for your freedom.

[audience chuckles]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She was overseas,
and she was in the barracks,

one of them tents,
and a lonely grenade rolled in.

[audience chuckles]

And she saw it.
She's like, "Yo, there's a grenade!"

And nobody else heard her.

She just had that moment where
you just realize what you have to do.

She was just like, "America."

[audience laughs]

And she jumped on the grenade. Pow!

It blew both her legs off.

Pussy in pristine condition.

[audience laughs]

Nothing happened to the pussy.

Matter of fact, it was almost like
the explosion pushed all the juices up.

[audience laughs]

The pussy looked like
it was in a… in a glass museum.

The pussy looked immaculate.

-[audience laughs]
-Okay?

Now you at your house,
2:15 in the morning,

Hennessy in your system.

[audience laughs]

Your dick hard.

Your dick harder than hard.

Shiny.

[audience laughs]

That's the hardest form of a dick.
That's the full evolution.

If a dick was a Pokémon, Shiny…

[audience laughs]

[Nate chuckles]

-[scattered chuckling]
-I don't know if y'all ever been there.

Shiny is where all of the meat
inside your dick is like,

"What in the fuck we about to do?"

[audience laughs]

Ain't no more meat left.

[audience chuckles]

"You ran out of skin."

Ain't enough skin
for all the meat inside of the dick.

[scattered chuckling]

It's taut.

You look down at your own dick
and see reflections of shit in your room.

It hurts. You're like,
"I gotta put this in something."

"I gotta do something."

Your girl ain't there.
She's nowhere be found.

You're by yourself.
Hand full of lotion. You're gonna fix it.

And right before you get to go to town,
you hear a knock at the door.

You go to the door,
hand full of lotion, pants at your knees.

You look in the peephole.
You don't see shit.

[audience laughing]

You see your whole porch out there,
goddammit.

"Huh. Must be the wind."

[scattered laughter]

And your dick like,
"Come on, man. Let's go do this."

So you head back to the room.
You hear another knock.

You go back… you look,
you don't see nothing again.

Now you start lying.
"I got a gun in here!"

-[audience laughs]
-You do, but not right now.

Right now your pants down,
your hand full of lotion.You're helpless.

Your dick's shiny.

It's literally wobbling when you walk.

[audience chuckling]

And then, out of nowhere,
the door gets kicked…

-Uh, the door…
-[audience laughs]

Shit.

The door gets, goddamn, this. It gets, uh…

Goddamn. [grunts]

It gets, like, shouldered.

It gets that Gerry Bertier,
Remember the Titans.

It just… [grunts] "Left side!"

"Strong side!"

[laughs] The door just fly open.
Pow! She fall in.

-[in high voice] "Oh my God! Oh! Oh!"
-[audience laughs]

"Oh! Oh!"

"Oh my God! I don't have any legs!"

"Give me some dick! Your dick is shiny!"

"It's shiny!"

"I'm a war hero."

[audience laughs]

"I'm Lieutenant Danielle."

[audience laughing]

[scattered laughter]

Would you do it then?

[audience laughs]

I'm still saying no.

[chuckles] He's like,
"I'm still saying no."

He's like, "I'll do it. Fuck it."

He said, "I'm doing it for America."

-[audience laughs]
-[Nate laughing]

That's gay.

[audience laughs]

I described a hypothetical woman
with no legs, and he didn't want to do it,

but when I tooted my ass in his face…

[audience laughs, applauds]

…that won him over.

He was like,
"Ooh, this shit getting good!"

"Ooh, shit. I didn't know
he was gonna act an ass."

-[audience laughing]
-[Nate chuckles]

Maybe just stay single, Jake.
Fuck it. It ain't worth it.

Because this is the kind of shit you gotta
go through when you chase the dragon.

[audience laughing]

I'ma get outta here,
but I wanna do this on the way out,

'cause people say that all we got up here
is salmon, uh, white women, and coffee,

and this crowd shows a lot of diversity.

They say we're dumb here.
Did you know that?

So I want it to show the world
that we actually… we smart.

So we gonna play a game.

I need everybody to participate,

even if you're in the Mexican row
and you mad at me.

-[audience laughs]
-I need you to stay involved.

Barbecue man, barbecue lady,
I need you in there. Lock in.

Mr. Man bun… I need you involved.

So we gonna show the world
that we smart here.

I'm gonna ask you some math questions.

[scattered chuckling]

[chuckles] The one Asian like,
"I not the kind that count."

[audience laughs]

"I the kind that cook. Different kind."

[audience laughs]

[Nate chuckles]

We about to do this. You better get ready.
"Herro," it's happening.

[audience laughs]

-Ten plus ten?
-[audience] Twenty.

Not enough. Ten plus ten?

[audience] Twenty!

-Plus five?
-[audience] 25.

-Plus five?
-[audience] Thirty.

Divided by two?

Fifteen.

-Divided by two?
-[audience] Seven and a half.

-You see that, America?
-[audience laughs]

We handled a decimal.
Nobody…. nobody dropped the ball.

Even our rednecks are like,
"Seven and a half."

[audience laughing, clapping]

Now we gonna show off.
I'm gonna go faster. 7.5 plus 0.5?

[audience] Eight.

-Plus two?
-[audience] Ten.

-Times seven.
-[audience] 70.

Plus seven?

-[audience] 77.
-Divided by 11?

-[audience] Seven.
-Minus two?

-[audience] Five.
-Minus one?

-Four
-Divided by two?

-[audience] Two.
-Minus one?

-One.
-Minus one?

-[audience] Zero.
-Final answer?

[audience] Zero!

And that is exactly
how many bitches he got.

[audience laughs, applauds]

Seattle, Washington, I love y'all, man.

-[raucous cheering, applause]
-[men barking]

["Halftime" by Ying Yang Twins plays]

-♪ Okay, okay, okay ♪
-♪ Ah! ♪

-♪ Tell 'em how we gonna come ♪
-♪ Crunk! ♪

-♪ Tell 'em why they don't want none ♪
-♪ Crunk! ♪

-♪ Tell 'em why they better run ♪
-♪ Crunk! ♪

-♪ Crunk! Crunk! ♪
-♪ Ooh! ♪

But you look excited, sir,

with the Harry and the Hendersons
forehead.

-[audience laughing]
-I am.

Scoot down just a little bit.
Just scoot down. Right… right there.

[audience laughs]

[Nate laughing]

Why is it so shiny?

[audience laughs]

He looks like he stopped
in the airport. "Shoeshine!"

[audience laughs]

I want y'all to light up the balcony,
and I'm gonna talk some shit up there too.

That lady laugh like a crackhead.

[audience laughs]

She's like, "Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"Ah-ha-ha!"

Y'all, give it up for Ruben Studdard, man.
He made it out.

-[audience laughs]
-[Nate laughs]

Hell yeah.
And right in front of him, Nelly's father.

[audience laughs]

♪ I'm going down, down, baby
Your street in a Range Rover ♪

Let me see.
Who is that in all that hair up there?

Ooh, shit.

-[audience laughs]
-[Nate chuckles]

-Rapunzel, Rapunzel!
-[audience laughs]

Let your hair down!

[chuckles] She's trying to let it down.

Listen… if I grab that, it's coming off.

[audience laughs]

[Nate chuckles] Let's go up.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

-Ooh. Ooh.
-[audience laughs]

[Nate] Ooh…

Ooh… shit.

Ooh, shit.

[audience chuckles]

Ooh, I can't. I can't. Ooh-wee!

Shit. You look beautiful, sir.

-[audience chuckles]
-You're beautiful.

Goddamn. He look just like my dick.

[audience laughs]

[Nate laughs]

As soon as I looked at him,
I was like… [exclaims exaggeratedly]

[audience] Fuck!

[Nate laughs]

-[music continues]
-♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Crunk! ♪

♪ Crunk! ♪

♪ Crunk! ♪

-♪ Break it on down ♪
-♪ Crunk! ♪

-♪ Crunk! ♪
-[music fades]