Original subtitles

How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the breadth and depth of all

my mortal days.

How do I love thee?

What words can I find

to limb the endless

colors of your image in my mind?

God bless you.

I guess the way to start a story is to pick a spot or a point in time and just

start.

This one starts in Lourdes, France, where something of a crisis was taking

place.

Anywhere my father went, you could expect a crisis of some sort.

To please my mother, he was visiting the grotto of the sainted Bernadette, where

the miraculous spring flows and where many a pilgrim has been healed.

My father is the only person of record to have entered the water as a healthy

man and come out deathly sick.

My son.

Go away.

I've come to give you the last rights.

The only rights I want are the rights of an American citizen to die in peace.

My child.

to the bitter end.

I'd better send Tom and his wife again.

Wait.

Tom is your son.

Dan is so proud of him. He's a college professor.

I'm afraid your husband does not wish to see him.

Not see Tom?

He said he made a pact never to speak with his son again.

Oh, he must be delirious.

Why... Why Stanley loves his son more than anything in the whole world.

Better go and call them. They'd want to be here.

You shouldn't have done that.

You are not going to Lourdes.

Who are you to tell me I'm not going to Lourdes? I am your wife to whom you are

married or should be instead of to your father who has done everything humanly

possible to foul up your childhood, your adolescence, your boyhood, your birth,

your afterbirth, not to mention our marriage.

certainly have no love lost, and you shouldn't either, or any guilt

about breaking attachments, which is what a man should do when he reaches

manhood, particularly attachments to his father, who he doesn't have to go

running to every time he gets involved in a crisis, a brawl, or a minor

catastrophe. That's who I am.

For the wife of the acting head of the philosophy department, your logic is

lousy. I give it F for failure. My logic was good enough to persuade Uncle Hugo

that you should be permanent head of the department and a full professor.

Me?

Must be crazy.

The youngest department head in the history of Atwater College.

They must be crazy.

Which was supposed to be the surprise that Uncle Hugo was going to announce at

dinner tonight, which is another reason you can't go flying off to some French

public bath.

My father is deathly sick there. Oh, I know. First time on record. A miracle in

reverse. He may even be dying. I'll believe he's dying when they put him in

box. Marion!

This is so stupid.

You know your mother and father.

Crisis Manufacturing Incorporated.

Look at you, still spinning from that cement mixer you called a childhood.

That's why I'm such a fascinating personality.

I'd go with a raincoat. You cannot go galloping off to the rescue every time

sends up a flare.

Are you finished?

Yes. No.

Yes.

Let's make love.

We'll go downstairs and send a nice get -well cable to your father.

And then you'll make two very dry martinis and hurry back

up here.

You have a couple of very persuasive arguments there.

Tom?

Darling, please don't think I'm callous, but it's time you stop messing up your

life out of some silly sense of guilt that... that subconsciously you really

hate your father.

Go ahead, stupid.

Make the call.

She's right.

You hate your father.

You know it.

No, son. You don't hate your father.

Oh, I admit he was pretty hard to live with at times, but... Hard to live with?

Brother, she's a great one to talk.

Now, don't get me wrong, son. Your mother is one of my favorite people.

I wouldn't have minded if she had stayed at St.

Michael's, where most of us local Polacks and Irish first got religion.

But getting saved. Not converted, mind you. Just plain, low -down saved.

It was my duty to protect your intellect, Tom. And my duty to protect

immortal soul.

He hasn't gotten it. Neither do you.

Nobody's got an immortal anything. How many times do I have to tell you?

I prefer to believe what the scriptures tell me.

Oh, you do?

Uh -huh.

All right. Where did Cain get his wife? Did the scriptures tell you that? We are

not going through that again.

Where did Cain get his wife? Who did he marry, if we take the rational approach?

Adam and Eve had other children.

You mean he married his sister?

The whole human race is a product of incest? Is that what you want this boy

believe?

I wish you wouldn't eat with your shirt open. It's so... so common.

Nobody does that.

In that case, it's not common. It's rare.

Right, Damasco?

I guess so.

Why don't you read a good book once in a while instead of those stupid comics?

Want to be a dumb Polack all your life?

He has been reading a good book. The Bible.

No argument.

Absolutely no argument.

There's a fairy tale about an ancient people who had their tribal deity. The

Bible's fine.

The Bible happens to be the word of God.

Prove it.

Where are the witnesses?

Affidavits, please.

Stanley Waltz, are we going to turn this into a debating society in front of our

boy? Why not? He gets to hear both sides of the question. Let him make up his

own mind.

I let you send them to Sunday school, don't I? I'm entitled to equal time.

Are we out of beer again?

What's this?

Wouldn't hurt you to read it. Is it a temperance tract?

Well, I believe in temperance, and I pray for the day when you do, too.

Temperance means moderation.

You can only take something in moderation, not leave it entirely alone.

Well, then...

Then why do you drink? Because you've got to drink to be temperate. It's only

you people who don't drink who are intemperate. I am not intemperate, and I

not shelter my wife.

Like I said, son, your mother's one of my favorite people.

But when she starts talking like that, I just close my eyes and make believe

she's a fictional character.

Which sometimes I believe she actually is.

Repent, ye sinners.

Repent, I say, for there will be that final day of judgment.

And the heavens will be rolled together as a scroll.

The sun will become black and the moon will be as blood.

Amen, brothers and sisters. And the kings of the earth.

will tremble and hide themselves in the dens and the rocks of the mountains, and

they will say to the dens and to the mountains, Fall upon us and hide us from

him who sitteth on the throne, for the great day of his wrath is upon us. Amen.

Amen. So come forward and kneel, brothers and sisters, all ye who fear

of everlasting hell, all ye who are starved for the banquet of God's grace.

forward.

Here's a repentant sinner.

Come forward, my son.

Come to the table of salvation and be fed.

Oh, hold it, sir. You got the wrong party. I just ate.

Come on, Tom.

Danny, please.

I'm sorry, but this is a private matter between my wife and myself.

We have an agreement.

Danny, everyone is watching. All right, we'll discuss it on the way home. Come

on.

Repent. Judgment Day is at hand.

June the 11th is written today.

Explanation, please.

I thought we had an understanding.

In return for my permission to let the boy go to Sunday school, you wanted to

take him with you to this foolish back. I suppose those bars you go to are

better than a church.

Hey, Pop, it says here the world's coming to an end on June 11th.

That's next month.

End of the world?

What kind of religion depends on scaring people half to death?

Better to be scared now than sorry later.

What if it's too far? What are you going to do then?

He'll realize how silly he sounds when he keeps saying that you only live once.

I have an open mind. Prove me wrong.

Well, wouldn't it be ridiculous to create something only to have it die?

Life perpetuates itself in offspring.

That's how it doesn't die.

No, Tommy, no. Don't believe him. It's not true. You have an immortal soul that

you'll have to give an account of when Christ comes in all his glory.

Next month, maybe. Maybe. June the 11th. I'll put the date on my calendar.

Get in.

Tommy, don't forget to brush your teeth.

I am.

Wouldn't do to have cavities at those pearly gates.

Good night, darling.

Don't forget to say your prayers.

Equal time.

That's all I'm asking for is equal time. You fill his head with one thing, I

demand a rebuttal. Rebuttal you want to. I'm going to sleep.

Well, deal is a deal.

I take him on a job with me tomorrow.

Give us a chance for a little man -to -man talk.

I just ask for him to admire your big, beautiful muscles and see you strut your

stuff.

When have I ever strutted my stuff?

Give me an example. I'm all ears.

You're doing it right now.

And you do it on the truck when you get your back under a piano. If a female is

watching. A regular Adonis furniture mover.

So this is Christianity.

This is how we practice it. His followers insulting our husbands.

For your information, I've never looked at another woman.

Has anyone ever told you you're a very attractive woman?

Nothing, son.

Will you go on?

Thank you.

I don't know why we have to argue so much.

I don't know either.

We both want the same thing for the boy, college, education.

But I want him to have... something more, too.

I know.

I know what you mean.

I'll make you a proposition.

A what?

A proposition.

You want to raise him as a believer. I want to raise him as an atheist.

We'll compromise.

We'll bring him up an agnostic.

Then later on, he can make up his own mind.

That's just like your argument when we were going together.

You said you want to get married.

I don't.

So we compromise.

We live together.

That was a joke. Can't you even appreciate a joke for Pete's sake?

Stanley Waltz, I have never raised my voice to you in public.

Or in private.

Well, I wish you would raise your voice. I'm sick and tired of your patient,

long -suffering. That makes a martyr out of you. And out of me, I don't know

what I am.

Didn't you talk to that kid about tightening these toothpaste caps?

Oh, he only does that when he's emotionally upset.

Well, now I'm emotionally upset.

This is what comes from reading those stupid comic books.

Tom!

Uh -oh.

Tom!

Okay, Tom, you've had your warning.

working slob like your old man.

Using your back instead of your brains.

Go ahead with something a lot better, son.

And you're gonna make it.

I'll get you through college if I have to mortgage my kidneys.

bug this hairspray?

Only after you hollered at me.

And I can't get the toothpaste cap off again.

I guess I was pretty mad at you.

Will you unscrew it, please?

Certainly.

Oh, Tom.

You sure don't make these things the way they used to. When will you grow up?

Where are you going?

Which question shall I answer first, the one about where I'm going or the one

about when I'll grow up?

You're going to the airport, aren't you?

Yeah. You want to come along?

I thought we decided you weren't going.

You did. I didn't.

I see.

Tom, Walt, if you leave like this, you don't have to come back.

You don't mean that.

What makes you think I don't?

Because you're letting your prejudice against my father...

Prejudice you. You bet I am, and there's enough left over for his baby boy.

Some people hear things, like bells. I keep hearing my mother and father.

Go back, Tom.

Talk to her.

What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.

Here we go again.

Marriage is compromise.

Give and take.

Sure, you're giving marriage, just like in anything else.

But you don't give away what makes you a man.

Right? Right.

All I'm saying, son, is that everybody's got some kind of a piano to carry on

his back.

Beautiful, superb. Hold it.

Oh, you're so kind to let me do this. This will make a perfect mural for the

Kingster's building downtown.

Steady, steady, steady.

What are you trying to do, ram me in the wall?

Right. What a monster.

I know. I tried to give the damn thing away, but no one would take it.

Wait. Hold it.

Wonderful. Oh, these photo studies are exactly what I need. Now, could you wait

a minute? I'd like a few low angles, you know, to get a feeling of weight from

underneath, tension in thigh and groin from a perspective looking up.

The whole tremendous sense of burden being come to grips with...

Can I do anything else?

Just look, listen, and learn.

Learn what?

What not to be when you grow up.

All right, girls, let's get the fiddle on the road.

Grimoca, get by.

Did you put that birth control pamphlet under my door? Yes, yes, I did. Did you

read it?

I'll talk to you later.

But really, Mr. Wall, $60 does seem like an awful lot of money just to throw

something away.

Takes just as much sweat to throw it away as it does to haul it in, Miss

Oh, yes.

I can certainly understand that.

Um, wouldn't you like my Madonna and Child?

I can let you have it for what I owe you, hmm?

A loan is worth more than that.

I'm sorry, but I gotta pay my men.

Oh, well, you can't win them all.

Tell me, have you ever posed?

Seems like I've been doing that all day.

Oh, no, I mean for a life study.

No, Miss Marvin.

Please, won't you call me Lena?

Stan, did anybody ever tell you that you are a typical Rubens?

Yes,

you have such a powerful build.

You're stacked pretty good yourself.

Oh, thank you.

And from what I saw in your eyes when that piano rolled down and crashed, you

were probably full of dark impulses and hidden desires.

Tell me.

Go downstairs and find some kids to play with. Kids?

What kids? Oh, there are plenty of them around here. You know, there are eight

next door and another one on the way. I've tried to intercept Mrs.

Grimoca in family planning.

That's a passion of mine. I give all my spare time to birth control. But she,

she won't listen.

All right, you go ahead. I'll be down as soon as I conclude my business with the

ladies. Look, the world, the world is starving and the population goes right

exploding. Don't fill hungry bellies with more babies. That's my maxim. But

husband of hers, all 120 pounds of him, he thinks that he proves his virility by

constant procreation. He's wrong.

You're so right, Lena.

Real masculinity isn't in the loins. It is in the heart.

Yeah. There lies true virility.

Go get some ice cream, Tommy.

And the only answer... The answer is sterilization.

It's just a simple operation that in no way interferes with sexual

gratification.

You gotta be wild.

Stan.

Stan.

Stanley. Stanley.

What are you doing?

What the hell do you think I'm doing? No, no, no. Not like this. Not yet. Not

like animals.

First, there must be a communication, a rapport.

A relationship to be meaningful must have time to...

Flour. Well, baby, if it's going to flour, it better flour right now. I'm a

married man with a kid outside. My truck is double parked.

No, Stanley.

Stanley, don't go.

Oh,

Mrs. Grimuk. Hello.

Do you have any more of these pamphlets?

Oh, yes.

Um, uh, they're put out by the World Health Organization. They have all the

facts about birth control, family planning, sterilization.

This is what I think of your sterilization.

And I'll throw you out next to putting more trash under my door. That was a

stupid thing to do. Don't you realize that the world will be overpopulated in

ten years unless people like you show some restraint?

You go and restraint yourself.

But I don't have any children. You have eight.

What we do is none of your business.

I've tried to be a lady. A lady wrestler is what you ought to be with that

keister. You know, you're just asking for it, you Polish broodmare.

Broodmare?

If it wasn't for my delicate condition, I'd broodmare you right across the

mouth. Don't you dare talk to me like that. Don't you dare tell me how to

You threaten me? I'll call the police. Go ahead and call them. Call the garbage

collector, too, for all this junk you have around here. That was my

to sex.

Or as my father said... Son, when you grow up and become involved with women,

which you will, the most important thing to learn is when to get out.

And once you're out, son, stay out.

Some people learn that the hard way, like your old man.

I mean, I could have written the lady a strong letter demanding my 60 bucks, or

I could have turned it over to a collection agency.

But then I'll admit...

There are certain flaws in my character which I hope you have not inherited.

But if you have, you're God against.

That's why I always told you everything.

So you could profit by my mistakes.

Now, just a few more minutes.

Can't we have a drink? Don't move.

You know, for a man who's never posed before, you make a marvelous model.

My wife says I'm posing all the time.

Well, the course of true love never did run smooth.

Do you love her?

What kind of a question is that?

Of course I love her. I mean, she... Would you hold the pose?

She's never kept up with me intellectually, but let's knock this off

drink. Please, don't misunderstand me, Stan. I wasn't prying.

Well, I'm not a prude about that kind of thing. As a matter of fact, when I

lived in France, it was considered quite au courant for a man to have a wife and

a mistress.

Yeah?

Of course.

Stan!

Not yet.

Then when?

Well, let's have that drink first, hmm?

Okay, let's have that drink.

Honestly, what do you think of it?

It's great.

Just great.

You don't like it.

I didn't say that.

I can tell from your expression you hate it.

Well, for your information, Stanley Walsh, that is impressionistic.

I know it's impressionistic. I am not an illustrator. I do not paint magazine

covers. I told you it was great.

like it's raw, earthy maleness.

It's me, all right. Anybody looking at it could tell it was me.

Lena, you did a great job.

Lena, you know before when you were telling me about those guys that live in

France, you know, the married guys?

Yes, dear.

I could show you as a mistress.

Use.

You could use a mistress.

And that right after telling me my painting stinks. I didn't say it stinks.

you did, and how much you love your wife.

How do you think it makes a woman feel when she's trying to entertain a man,

Stanley, and all he does is he talks about his wife?

What am I, a woman, or am I an emotional dumping ground?

You're a woman, Lena.

A whole lot of woman.

And do you realize what it means for a woman to give herself to a man?

I'm not asking you to give yourself.

Just lend yourself.

The eternal male ego.

Oh, Lord.

With what life does to all of us, how can men treat women the way that they

I'll never understand it. Never, never, never, never.

What am I doing up here?

Shut up. Can't we ever have any peace and quiet around here?

Oh, shut up yourself and go on back to your lovemaking.

There are only two billion of us on this planet. Half of us are starving.

I should be downstairs in a saloon with my friends.

I can hear you.

I'm listening to you, and you make love like beasts, beasts of the field.

I'm getting the hell out of here.

Oh, what do I care?

Where are you going?

I'm going out and get stiff.

Oh, go ahead. You're all alike.

You're all children, babies with infantile emotions, not masterful lovers

poetic affairs.

You, you, Santa, you don't want poetry in your life. All you want is some bosom

to cry.

Instead of running off like some scared high school kid, why don't you start all

over again?

Why don't you apologize?

Whisper sweet nothings.

We might still have what you came for. We might yet touch the stars.

If for once you'd behave like a lover.

I'm ready.

Why don't you sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed in triumph?

That's what you wanted. Why didn't you say so?

Don't worry, baby.

It's going to be beautiful.

All your dreams are going to come true.

I'll get you there, sweetheart. Don't worry.

I'm sorry.

Stanley,

wait, wait, wait a minute.

Stanley, get me out.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

Don't worry, Mama.

Lena,

you're a

magnificent hunk of woman.

I guess I've been spending too much time behind that desk in the office.

A little out of condition.

Thank you.

Mr. Walsh, thank you very much.

What now?

Well, if taking me to bed is no different for you than moving furniture,

whether I'm interested.

That's not what I said.

That's what you inferred. You'll call me again sometime when you can distinguish

between me and a piano.

Lena, for Pete's sake.

Do what you really want to do. Go out and get drunk.

If there's one thing my father didn't need, it was for someone to tell him to

out and get drunk.

The whole neighborhood knew it as soon as his car drove up.

But that wasn't what brought the police.

As my father later said, sometimes you can know a woman a long time.

And never really know her.

And then suddenly you see her in a new way. A new light.

And it becomes magic and mysterious and exciting.

Okay, buddy. Come on down nice and easy. Nobody get hurt. Come on.

Hey, what do you think you're doing? Take your hands off me.

Not to play rough, huh? Come on, peeper.

Peeper? What do you mean? This is my house. And I suppose that's your wife

you're peeping at, huh? You don't believe me? Call her.

Mister, she was the one who called us.

We had reports of a prowler in this neighborhood all night.

Let go of me. I live here, I tell you.

Then why are you acting so suspicious?

It's my property. I'll act as suspicious as I dare, please.

Well, you're watching anyway.

I was watching my wife put on a nightgown. Is that a crime?

That's your wife. Why couldn't you do it from the inside? It's not the same

thing. Besides, this is my house, which I understand to be a man's castle.

Sure, sure. Get in the car. If you don't turn me loose, I'm gonna have you

busted for false arrest.

Tom. Take your hands off me.

Tom, what is it? What's happening? Nothing much. Pop's been arrested.

Arrested? For what?

Stanley!

I just think I'm pretty awful. No, Pop, you're okay.

Thanks, son.

And I'd just like to state for the record that I did nothing wrong.

I give you my hand on that, Tom.

And you know the handshake of Stan Walsh is like the rocket you brought.

Why didn't you build that cop, Pop? With your muscles, you could have handled

him.

I could have taken care of both of them. But violence is never the answer.

Hello, Walsh, holding and trucking. Stan Walsh speaking.

Oh, hello.

Uh, yeah.

Well, I, uh, I think that could be arranged.

Yeah, I could come over and inspect the merchandise later.

Well, that'll be fine.

Fine.

Well, Tom, something just come up.

Did you ever get the money from that lady?

What lady?

Miss Mervin.

How did you know that was Miss Mervin?

Your voice got kind of funny.

Oh.

Well, I wasn't trying to hide anything from you.

Sure, Pop.

It's just that there are certain things one man doesn't discuss with another

man, that's all.

Sure, Pop.

However, since the subject came up... Well, let me put it this way.

If you were my daughter, I'd have one attitude.

But since you're a male, I say to you, savor the opposite sex fully, just as

long as you harm no one and all parties are consenting adults.

Sure, Pop.

I know that religion frowns on these things, and that's one of the reasons

I'm an atheist.

But I would like to point out that there were many biblical figures who agreed

with my thinking, such as Abraham, Solomon...

Brigham Young.

How would you like an ice cream soda?

I'd rather have a banana split.

Okay, you got it.

While you're down there, get some of that mandarin fruit sherbet for your

mother. She's very partial to it.

Go ahead.

Stan, wait.

First, my gift.

This is for you. For you alone.

What is it?

It's a sonnet, a beautiful sonnet. In my own handwriting.

A sonnet?

Well, it's a poem.

Something to remember me by.

Stanley, I might as well tell you I'm moving to Cape Cod.

Yes, I feel that I'm entering into a period that requires a more creative

atmosphere. But, Lena... No, no, no regrets, no tears.

Let's not spoil this last wonderful moment.

I go along with that.

Come here, sweetheart.

Sit down, baby.

Aren't you going to read it?

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

the ways.

That's beautiful.

Beautiful, sweetheart.

You didn't read it.

I said it was beautiful.

Yeah? What's it about?

It's, uh... It's about passion and clowning and all of that.

Pearls before swine!

Sweetheart. I'll read it later. When you're in Cape Cod.

You know, you can be the most...

I give you a poem in my own handwriting, and instead of responding to it

romantically, what do you do? You rattle it off like a tobacco auctioneer.

I'm sorry, Lena. Let me start from scratch.

No, you've ruined everything again.

Now, let's not get on that merry -go -round again.

Has it ever occurred to you, Stanley Waltz, that you invite it? And you know

why? Because instead of thinking like a lover, instead of thinking in terms of

us, with you it's always me, me, me, me.

Drive me nuts.

Are you trying to drive me nuts? That's typical of you. You're changing the

subject. Changing the subject?

I never left the subject.

You're all alike. Go away.

All right, I'm going.

I'm going and I'm not coming back.

Yeah, of course. That's what I suspected from the first. You're not a man.

I'm not a man.

I'm not a man.

I'll show you questions.

exactly the way you

for things to end this way.

She was the only mistress I ever had.

But maybe it all happened for the best.

It sure made me appreciate the treasures I had at home.

A bright kid with the rarest of all qualities.

A thirst for knowledge.

And a devoted, attractive wife.

Hello, Els.

A few little flowers for my prize.

Thank you, Stan, but why the flowers?

What is it you're feeling guilty about?

Me, guilty?

Whatever makes you say that?

You've been drinking, too.

A jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and thou, singing in the wilderness, were

paradise, see now.

See now.

That's Persian for enough.

Better put these in some water.

Stanley Waltz, connoisseur of beauty.

would like to take unto himself his wife.

How does his wife feel about it?

Oh, Stanley, it's getting late and you've got to get some sleep.

I got a better idea.

Let's go out back and fool around on the glider like we used to.

The glider?

Yeah.

Remember when your old man caught us?

Do you know if it wasn't for that glider, we wouldn't be married today?

Stanley Waltz, you're a grown man.

So let's act like a couple of kids.

Oh, Stan.

What's the matter with you, Elsie?

What's the matter with me?

You come rolling in here after midnight with liquor on your breath and you

expect me to... to... Well, what am I? A machine to be turned on and off?

You're a beauteous woman, Elsie.

All of a sudden?

What about yesterday and the day before?

It isn't empty compliments a woman needs.

Roses once in a blue moon. A woman needs a relationship with tenderness and

awareness day after day.

What the hell book do all of you women read from?

Well, shouting never proves anything.

Forget the whole thing. I'll sleep on the glider myself.

Look, it's the end of the world.

This is the day the man said I was rich. Look.

Look.

Oh, dear God.

Oh, Tommy, run quickly and get dressed.

I'll wake your father.

Quickly.

You'd better get up. Look.

What's happening?

Well, you remember this leaflet that you were laughing at about the day of

judgment. Well, Danny, this is June the 11th.

You're kidding.

That's true.

What do you mean?

Oh, it all fits.

He's come again. The second coming.

Danny, please.

Please, let's meet him hand in hand.

Come on.

I've ever said.

I'm sorry for all of my sins. And I accept the Lord Jesus as my personal

Stanley, Stanley.

Oh, I hope it's not too late.

You were never baptized.

Maybe we can take care of that now.

Stanley walks.

Mama, where's Jesus? When's he gonna get here?

We don't know yet. We just have to wait and see what happens.

All we know is that we acknowledge him as our Lord and Master.

And how.

Right, Pop?

I'm not making any excuses.

But he did tell his disciples he'd come in their time.

Dad. I nearly raised the point.

Don't backslide again.

Why don't we kneel down and sing a hymn?

Please.

Anything you say else.

Inspector, the whole thing blew up. Come on.

Are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure.

What do you think I am? Not sure?

Come on. I got the car outside. See for yourself.

I don't believe it.

What'd I say?

It's not the end of the world. I mean, it could have happened to anyone.

Oh, Dad.

We were together, holding hands and praying.

We were a family for the first time in years.

I know, sweetheart.

I know how you feel.

You'll never hear another word about this from me.

Nor anybody else.

Anyone can make an honest mistake.

Now, the lesson we learn from this tonight, all of it, is that fear and

superstition should never take the place of logic.

Remember that, son.

Logic is God's, uh, nature's way of differentiating man from the lower

From my textbook, you are already familiar with the basic concept of

logic, such as the notions of negation and contradiction.

Alternation and conjunction.

Now, if you will take careful notes, we shall introduce symbols for these

notions and stipulate precise definitions.

Mr. Waltz, please grant me the courtesy of your attention.

You might one day, God forbid, be a teacher yourself, trying to impart to a

group of lethargic students the contents of this book.

Forget about the textbook.

As you probably already have.

Tomorrow's quiz, all I'm going to ask you to do is point out the fallacies in

or 20 propositions.

Like, for example, one times zero equals zero, right?

Two times zero equals zero, right?

Right. Now, it's axiomatic that things that are equal to the same thing are

equal to each other.

Therefore, one times zero equals two times zero.

We cancel the zero on both sides of the equation.

Okay?

So, as we clearly see, one equals two.

Right? Wrong!

Ah, good. We have a mathematician in our midst.

I thought there was something wrong with my reasoning.

Maybe on tomorrow's quiz you can set me straight.

Now one for you students of political science and international affairs.

Be it resolved that the United States should annex all of the Western

Hemisphere.

For isn't the star -spangled banner the most glorious flag that ever waved?

That should get your political careers off to a brilliant start.

So much for that. As for today, ladies and gentlemen, you are fortunate because

you are privileged to hear the first announcement of a monumental scientific

discovery. As you see, or are about to see, I have in my hands two physical

objects. A nickel, which is scarcely of any use nowadays, and a small feather.

Now, I drop these two objects, which fall to the ground at markedly different

rates of speed.

Observe.

Can anyone suggest a hypothesis that will explain this phenomenon?

The nickel dropped faster because it was heavier.

It's a gravity business.

There's more air in business.

Superstitious nonsense, all of it.

The real reason the feather drops more slowly is because there are little

fairies who detest seeing feathers touch the ground and keep popping them back

up into the air again.

Don't laugh, I'm serious.

Please, spare me your ridicule. If you disagree with my hypothesis, then attack

it logically and scientifically.

Nobody's ever seen these fairies. Of course not.

Fairies are invisible.

Everybody knows that.

And nobody's ever heard any fairies huffing and puffing.

Fairies are also inaudible. That's a well -known fact.

In a vacuum, the feather and the nickel would drop at the same rate of speed.

Like nature, fairies abhor a vacuum.

Why would they want to do with these fairies of yours?

It's a natural instinct. All fairies have it.

No other arguments?

I take it then that you accept my hypothesis.

Cool it, cool it.

I simply wanted to illustrate a primary law of nature.

Of logic.

That is, when you have two bodies, two hypotheses, both of which explain a

phenomenon, how do you choose between them?

The one which requires you to make the most assumptions, which cannot be based

on fact, must be taken on faith, like, for example, the weird preferences of

fairies, is the weaker hypothesis.

You see, scientists are notoriously stingy about faith.

They consider it sinful to spend any more of it on a... theory, then you have

to. They call this the law of parsimony, which says when you have several

explanations of a phenomenon, the one which costs you least in the faith

department is your best buy.

Previously, we have studied the nature of formal reasoning or deduction.

I hope you can remember all this, at least until after the exam.

Class dismissed.

You can tell me what your decision is.

About what?

About me.

You've been ogling me ever since I entered your class.

Miss Wellington, I... The decision is highly favorable.

Then why don't you do something about it?

You mean you've been wondering about me, too?

Uh -huh.

Get in.

Telling me why? Why what?

Why you've been wondering.

Because you're an enigma.

You assign atheistic reading matter to the class.

And then... Then I hear you singing hymns at the top of your voice in

I have very deep convictions. Move over.

Convictions about what?

Convictions about what?

about both sides of everything.

And love is everywhere.

When you're near, I understand much more than I

could know.

When I touch your hand, when I see you smile, when I

hear you whisper.

B -plus.

What?

Your kit, B -plus.

Great everything.

It's compulsive. From my teaching chores.

You are, without a doubt, the most... I know, I know.

Sometimes I think I'm... What would you think of somebody who even grades God?

God? Take that sunset.

It's beautiful.

Total disaster.

Out -and -out romanticism. Calendar arc.

As I've told you before, watch that, sir.

You idiot.

That kind of sentiment is unpalatable to contemporary taste.

I would suggest that you study some of the better modern painters.

C -minus. Boy, you really are ready for that man in the white coat.

I warned you.

What is it you want, anyway?

You won't be offended if I lay it on the line.

No. I want to take you to my place.

Sex over a stick shift can lead only to frustration.

I give it F for failure.

Move over.

Listen, I want you to understand.

No, what I mean... What's your address?

Did you or did you not tell your class that the United States should annex the

Western Hemisphere because the Star Spangled Banner is the most glorious

that ever waved?

Answer yes or no.

Yes and no.

You see what I mean, Bertram? This is the kind of thing that goes on all the

time. Easy, Norman. Remember your blood pressure.

Tom, why do you find it necessary to depart so radically from Dr.

textbook? There is absolutely nothing in here about our annexing the Western

Hemisphere. I shouldn't dream of making such a ridiculous assertion.

Ridiculous? Do you deny that the Star -Spangled Banner is the most glorious

that ever waved?

That is a total non sequitur. Which is precisely the point I was trying to

illustrate to the class.

I see what you mean, Tom, but you've got to remember... Non sequiturs are

analyzed quite clearly here in my chapter on common fallacies in

If you'd only make them memorize the text. It puts them to sleep faster than

late, late show.

As head of the department, I demand that this... Norman, please. I understand

what you're trying to do, Tom, but we must go by the book.

Why? Is it engraved in marble?

Now, Tom, you know as well as I do that we have to have standards.

Every college has its norm.

And ours is Norm Littlefield, right?

Now, that's enough of that.

I must insist that you conform.

What's the alternative?

That you resign from the faculty.

You'll have my resignation in the morning.

Rock of Ages, clap for me.

Let me hide myself in me.

Hey!

Who was that for?

I changed my...

I think you should keep your job.

Keep your job.

I'm washing my back.

Never mind.

Just remember, as my Uncle Hugo always says, the take -home pay of a martyr is

very small.

Your Uncle Hugo is an ass. A what?

An ass.

Don't mean like in doggies. I mean like in horses.

See that as it may. He also happens to be chairman of the Board of Regents.

You're a fool. Fool, Tom Waltz, a stubborn fool.

Hey, Marion, wait.

Hey, listen.

Marion!

Poor baby.

Does it hurt very much?

No, Mom, it doesn't hurt at all. It itches.

Oh, but it must hurt with all those ropes and weights pulling at you. Oh,

sorry. I didn't know you had any visitors.

Hi, Marion. Come on in. I'd like you to meet my folks.

This is Marion Wellington, one of my...

Prize pupils.

How do you do? Hello.

You must be a very popular teacher to have your students come and visit you in

the hospital.

Oh, it's not that. It's just that I feel kind of responsible.

It wasn't your fault.

She just happened to be at the scene of the accident.

I thought you said it happened in the shower.

That's right. Well, I just came in to bring him a bar of soap.

That's nice.

When do you think you're going to be back in the job, Tom?

He's not going back.

What do you mean?

I was just about to tell you, Pop.

I'm resigning.

Resigning? What for?

To keep from getting fired.

Would you like to read my letter of resignation?

It's a killer.

They don't really want to fire him. They just want him to stick to the book.

What book? Who's firing who? Let me get this thing straight.

It's a book by Professor Norman Littlefield that's been used in this

since the year one.

Well, which book are you using, son?

None. I pretty much make it up as I go along.

Tom, isn't that rather an unusual... I'm not trying to teach him to read. I'm

trying to teach him to think.

I teach the way I want to teach or Bagley can get himself another boy.

Oh, Tom, now, on the other hand... I'm not telling you to teach their way or

else. They have a right to. It's their college.

D minus.

Give me that letter.

What are you going to do, Stan?

Deliver it to Dean Bagley, personally.

with a few choice words of my own choosing.

He doesn't tear this letter up. He's nothing but an old -fashioned

bigot. Listen, Bob, wait. Cool it.

And while I'm there, I'm going to quote him a few words from Jonathan Swinburne.

No man can be reasoned out of anything he hasn't been reasoned into.

That's Jonathan Swift, and it won't do... And wait a minute. And it won't

Bob?

Everything will be all right, Tommy.

Oh, very nice to have met you.

Tell me where I can find Dean Bagley.

Yes, sir. The administration building right over there.

Say, are you related to Tom Wall?

I'm his father.

Well, how's he feeling?

Not too good.

I have his letter of resignation as requested by Dean Bagley.

I'd like to see Mr.

Bagley. Dr.

Bagley's not in.

Well, tell Dr.

Bagley that Mr. Stan Waltz is here with the letter of resignation that he

requested from my son, Dr.

Waltz. I told you he's not in, Mr. Waltz.

Okay, now listen. There's to be no demonstrations or any disturbance until

hear what Bagley has to say. Is that clear?

Right.

Disturbance where?

Our house.

It's a sit -in, Bertram, and they won't go until you come and talk to them.

Yes,

the police are here.

Arrogant young know -it -alls.

Norman, do me a favor.

Will you shut up and get the hell out of here?

Right this way, Dr. Bagley.

Well, Tom, they tell me you're going to live.

Right. Office Wellington.

How are you, Dr. Bagley?

Tom, there are people in the college who don't think too much of you. They say

you're adolescent.

But I differ with that judgment.

You do?

Yes. I don't think you're adolescent at all.

I think you're infantile, which probably accounts for your popularity with our

student body.

Thank you, sir.

For what?

I haven't even told you I've decided not to accept your resignation.

What made you change your mind?

If there's one thing we don't need around here and have never had, thank

heavens, it's the sort of campus disturbance that's been playing havoc

colleges and universities.

Yes, sir.

Now get well and get back to your class.

Thank you, sir.

Now, what kind of a wedding do you think we should have? Civil church or

shotgun? There isn't going to be any wedding.

Why not?

Because you're not sexy.

No?

Say that again.

You're not sexy enough.

Try this on for size.

And so

we

were married.

And lived in the nice house her uncle Hugo gave us.

And every morning we had breakfast in the breakfast room.

And I went to school every day like a good little teacher.

You know, I still can't believe it. Tom married a whole year.

Isn't it wonderful?

The jury is still out.

What kind of a remark is that?

I don't know, Welsie. It's just... Forget it.

Honestly, I don't understand you.

Marion is a beautiful, intelligent, God -fearing girl. And they have a lovely

house. Her uncle Hugo gave them. Maybe that is one of the things that is wrong.

I fear Greeks bearing gifts.

Hugo Wellington is not a Greek.

Stop being a calamity Jane.

What's the matter, Elsie? Beside us?

Mm -hmm. Would you help me?

Okay.

Anyone ever tell you you're a very handsome woman?

Not in some time.

Consider it said.

You know, Stan, what would make my happiness complete?

A baby.

At our age?

Don't be silly. I mean a grandchild.

Don't rush it, hon.

Makes me feel funny being in love with a grandmother.

And that, my friends, is why when I donated the Wellington Library...

I insisted that the inscription above it read, Know thyself, Socrates.

The way the administration is acting, maybe we ought to change it to behave

thyself.

Willington.

Personally, I didn't care for Rome.

As Hugo says, they don't even speak pure Italian there.

It's sort of a patois.

These are delicious, Marion.

But Venice, now that's different. It's incredibly beautiful.

Except for the odor from the canal.

Stan and I are hoping to go abroad, too.

We're thinking of Lourdes. Fran.

Refill anybody?

Tom, my boy, I know you probably resent a middle -aged uncle giving advice, but

a sudden thought occurs to me.

The take -home pay of a martyr is very small.

You don't say.

I realize how dedicated you young people are, but get off that white charger.

How do you think a college of this size runs?

On the profits from the student cafeteria?

On tuition fees?

I understand that, sir, but a college isn't just brick and mortar.

A college is its students.

Teaching methods must change to accommodate them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what, pray tell, is wrong with our teaching methods?

They were good enough for me.

Kids today are way ahead of us. They're on a different wavelength.

We've got to reach them or lose them.

Well, I don't know what wavelength the students are on nowadays, but it's the

donors we've got to worry about. Right, Bagley? Right.

So let's not bite the hand that feeds us.

Do I make myself clear?

I guess so, Uncle Hugo.

And I trust I get through to you, sir.

Without contributions and donations from men like myself, Atwater would shut

down and nothing flat.

I'm glad you mentioned that, Mr. Wellington.

Because I'm going to make a scholarship endowment of $10 ,000 to my son's

department of scientific method.

$10 ,000?

That's very generous, Mr. Walls.

Every little bit helps.

What do you intend calling it?

The Thomas Waltz Scholarship.

Isn't dinner ready yet, Marianne? I'm starved.

Of course.

Come in, everybody.

That was really very generous of your husband,

Mrs. Waltz.

You must be stoned. Ten grand. Where are you going to get that kind of money?

You may not believe this, Tomasko, but do you know that poetry contest they've

been running in the Daily Blade?

Yeah?

What about it?

Guess who won first prize.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

As owner -publisher of the East County Daily Blade, it is my pleasure to

this check to Stanley Waltz, whose poems stood head and shoulders above

everything I read.

This contest was in memory of my dear departed wife, Leona Wetzel, an

ardent poetry lover who prized the traditional as opposed to the

and sought always the ancient merits of beauty and meaning.

In this sonnet composed by Mr. Waltz here, I found these merits which my late

wife so cherished and which, to the end of her life, she championed against the

ugly and the incomprehensible.

Thank you, Mr. Wetzel.

Sorry about that.

Now, Mr. Waltz, how about reading your sonnet to our television audience?

Ladies

and

gentlemen, before I read this, I'd like to tell you what I told Mr. Wetzel.

This poem isn't entirely mine. It was suggested to me by a friend.

How do

I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

By Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach when feeling

out of sight for the ends of being an ideal grace.

I love thee to the level of every day's most quiet need by sun and candlelight.

Pop? Tom, what's the matter with you?

I love thee freely as men strive for right. I love thee purely as they turn

praise. Pop, wait, please. Get out of the way, please.

Listen to me.

Wait a minute, Tom. Let me finish. But you can't. It's a famous poem.

What's that? What are you saying, young man? I have to talk to my father alone.

Did I hear you say it's a famous poet? There's been a terrible mistake.

I'm sure... Turn off that camera!

Give me back that check.

What are you saying?

Pop, for God's sakes, you're reading a sonnet by Elizabeth Browning.

Who? Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

When I knew her, she was going under the name Elena Mervyn. You knew her?

Yes, that's what I was trying to tell you. And I suppose you knew her husband,

Robert, too.

Robert Murphy?

No, Robert Browning.

Never had the pleasure.

I guess they were separated at the time.

You, sir, are a plagiarist. How dare you? A plagiarist, do you hear? Hold it.

I'm sure the whole thing was unintentional. And who are you?

Tom Waltz. Were you a part of this?

No, but you were. Me?

Yes, if you run a poetry contest, at least put somebody in charge who knows a

famous sonnet from the hole in your head. I am the publisher of the Daily

and I intend to... You won't do anything unless you want to look like a bigger

fool than you are.

Stan?

Dad, I'm sorry.

It's all right, son.

Tom, how could you?

Mom, by tomorrow they'd have 10 ,000 letters and phone calls. Everybody knows

that poem.

Well, I didn't know it.

It's over, Tom. Forget it. There was nothing else you could do.

So there won't be a Thomas Waltz scholarship fund.

Uncle Hugo is well equipped to be Atwater's guardian angel. Not to mention

Come on, darling.

They're expecting us at eight.

Just what I need, dinner with Norman Littlefield.

You be nice to him.

He doesn't know it yet, but he's on his way out.

I got it from Aunt Irma, who got it straight from the horse's mouth.

Is that what she calls it?

Darling. The driveway needs repairing, and we really should get the roof fixed.

And we're all out of caviar, and the wine cellar is practically empty. And

extra money you make won't hurt.

Amen. I'm now a true believer.

And tonight, you will also be a true head nodder. And you will keep nodding

until promotion time.

Oh, dear.

Hello? Oh, hello.

Yeah, just a minute. It's your mother.

What does she want? She wants to talk to you.

Yes, Mom, what is it?

Tom, I'm terribly worried your father hasn't come home to dinner.

Maybe he's out writing another sonnet.

Oh, Tom, please.

Have you thought of sending out a man with a net?

Oh, Tom.

What do you want me to do, hire bloodhounds to track him down?

It's probably up to his jowls and Polish vodka by now.

He only wanted you to be proud of him.

Okay, so I'm proud.

I'll talk to you later, Mom.

Where do you think he might be?

How the hell do I know?

It won't matter if you're a little late. I'll cover for you.

There's a switch.

I just don't want you to be miserable tonight. It's too important.

Go find your father.

Go, baby, go!

Dance it up! Go, baby, go!

Dance it, dance it!

Do you know what you're doing?

I'm celebrating.

I've vindicated my honor.

Out there belly dancing?

Come on over to the bar.

Tom, say hello to my new partner, Pete McGurk. Hiya, Tom. Frank, bring another

glass for my son and another round of drinks for my friends.

It's not every day a man sells half his business.

You sold half your business?

To keep my pledge to the college.

The Thomas Wall Scholarship sticks.

thanks to an investment made by my good friend Pete.

Right? Pop, it took you half your life to build that business. You didn't have

to do that.

The word of Stan Walsh is like a handshake.

The Rockets have brought her.

Listen, Pop... Let's drink a toast.

A toast to the new partnership of McGurk and Walsh.

Drink up, son. Come on, Pete. Let's go, baby. Thank you.

And now... Another toast to the Thomas Waltz scholarship.

Scholarship. Scholarship.

Pop, how many men would have done what you did?

You're one hell of a guy.

To my son.

May every father have a son like him. Right.

Yeah.

You know, at the age of 11, when most kids are reading comic books, he

was reading Plato.

And Tom Payne.

That's who we named him after.

Thomas Payne Walls.

What a kid. Come on, Pop.

I'll tell you something else.

I love this boy.

The trouble with people today is they're afraid of sentiment.

Well, not me.

I love this boy.

And I don't give a damn who knows it.

I love you too, Pop.

Hey, will you two fellas stop kissing each other with a lady present?

Thomas, she's got a point.

Got a point.

Don't tell my wife.

Don't tell his wife.

Get this inside you.

Okay, have it outside.

What was that for?

To wake my husband so he can get up and face the cruel world he keeps trying to

ignore. Well,

you can't ignore this.

Dean Bagley wants to see you.

Littlefield's been appointed head of the philosophy department for another two

years. Oh, no.

After last night, what'd you expect?

I didn't come to the party, did I?

Oh, yes, indeedy. You and your father and that little toad who helped

carry you in.

Did I... Did I say anything?

Not really.

Can you walk to the shower? Would you like me to bring it to you?

Good morning, partner.

I wasn't gold -breaking.

I was auditioning some new talent.

Hi, Pop.

Tommy.

What are you doing here?

Just working off a hangover.

Well, I guess everyone's entitled to a day off.

You'll be back in school tomorrow or a new man?

I'm not going back.

What do you mean, you're not going back?

You're looking at a faculty dropout.

Thomas Waltz, ex -teacher.

Tomasco, you got three degrees.

All your life. Why, when you were 11 years, are you crazy or something?

Does a man have to be crazy to want to feel what he's doing?

I can feel that piano.

When I move it from there to there, I can see what I've accomplished.

I'm sick of brain work. I want to work with my hands, like you.

Like me?

What's wrong with that? You're happy, aren't you?

Son, I'm a piano mover, the best there is.

It's all I can do, so I guess you could say I'm happy.

But that's because I'm making the most of myself.

And I'm not?

No, you're not.

You're not the best piano mover.

You never will be the best piano mover. But you could be the best teacher.

Told you I can't buck the arms.

Not when you're running away you can't. I'm not asking you to buckle under.

All I want you to do is go back and fight. Stand up for your rights. I've

it.

Sorry to disappoint you.

You sure have.

For the first time in your life.

What are you going to do when I fire you?

You wouldn't do that.

You know the boss's wife.

I am sorry, but he does not want to see you. It's impossible.

I can't believe it.

My son, please.

Your Grace, there must be some way to persuade him.

Please, can't we try?

What is it? What happened to turn you against Tom?

Against?

Who said I was against my son?

It's just the opposite.

It's Wilson's son against the world.

Oh, Stan.

But I can't talk to him.

Stan, why?

You might as well know.

Last week when I saw Tom in that truck, it was as if somebody dropped a piano

stool on my head.

Then when I got home to my good, understanding, God -fearing wife, a

whole piano hit me.

What did you expect?

Isn't that what you've been trying to teach him all of his life?

Think for yourself, you told him, and do what you think.

Never mind what anybody else thinks.

You run into a stone wall.

Don't walk around it or try to find a gate. No.

Batter it down with your head like your old man. The rock of Gibraltar.

Well, sooner or later you find out that some walls are harder than the hardest

head. And walls don't bleed.

But maybe your head does.

Finally you learn.

Only the hard way.

But other kids learned a lot earlier.

But without a bloody head, you learn respect.

And not just for stone walls, but for things you can't always touch with your

hands or see with your eyes.

Things you can only reach through faith.

Oh, yes.

The kind of faith that you taught him to laugh at and wipe his feet on.

Nothing. You've done it all.

Oh, Stan, leave him alone and stop trying to run his life.

Make it what you wish yours had been.

It's his life.

And he's a big boy now. God help him.

evidence that's been presented to me, I can't get myself to believe in you.

I could be wrong, so I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.

My wife says that faith is a gift.

I don't want any gifts.

All I want is an even break.

And not for me.

For my son, Tom.

He's in real trouble.

What I'm getting at, sirs, if you do exist, please help my

boy.

Get him back in college where he belongs.

And I'll do exactly as my wife said.

I'll stay out of his life.

I'll never...

never even speak to him again.

I give you my word.

You can ask anybody in Atwater.

Atwater, they'll tell you that the word of Stan Wallace is like the rock of...

Me.

Stan Wolves.

Bacon.

Bacon like us.

It's been going out of my mind.

Who do you think you are? God?

Nobody blasphemes in my place.

Me blasphemes.

Heaven forfend.

Stan Waltz has seen the light.

I am liable to preach a little sermon.

And give the benefit to our little flock here this evening of my spiritual

reaper.

have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord. He is

trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are

stored.

Come on, take it easy, will you?

Citron, are you thirsting in the desert of despair while

beside you flows the cool, clear, quenching stream of

eternal salvation?

It says here in the good book.

his voice and repent.

Oh, let us all repent together.

Together let us pray that when that great day comes, we won't spend

eternity in that deep fraying pit, that bottomless bubbling pit.

Gold dust on Hallelujah Boulevard.

What the hell's the matter with you, Stan?

What's the matter with me?

What's the matter with you?

He's afraid that God is going to strike me dead and give this joint a bad name.

He's not going to do that. He wouldn't do that.

I don't think he could do it.

Oh, come on now, Stan. You know...

God can move mountains.

Yes, sir.

He can move mountains.

But I want to ask you something, Frank.

Can he move a piano?

Can God move the piano over there?

What about it, God?

Can you move the piano over there? Let's show all these people what power you

got. Come on.

Lift this piano.

I'm going to watch while you lift it.

I don't see it going up.

I don't see it moving.

I don't see it going up one inch.

God can move mountains, but he can't move... I can move a piano.

I'm the guy that can move a piano.

I'm gonna put that 500 -pound fiddle on my back.

No, no, wait a minute, Stan, wait.

Stan, you can't... Yeah, the other year he had his chance.

What a joke.

Me, Stan Waltz.

Nailing in church like a heathen.

Voila!

Ta -da, ta -da!

Hey, Stan.

Not bad for a mere mortal, huh?

What in hell are you doing?

I have faith.

I have a piano that's on me.

Put that damn thing down. Frank, give us a hand.

Let's go.

We've been looking all over for you.

We've got a hauling job to do.

Get my son to furnish him over to help you.

He's back at the college. They came after him.

Big emergency, didn't you hear?

Professor Littlefield dropped dead.

Dropped dead?

Yeah, Tom's taken his place.

Head of the department.

You... You didn't have to go that far, sir.

Ain't something the matter?

I made a deal.

Biggest deal of my life.

I don't know if I can handle it.

It's our father and mother's church.

Where?

Sitting somewhere in the back.

What would Dad be doing at the funeral of Norman Littlefield?

No, there they are.

Come on, come on.

Oh, Stan, what's the matter with you? Let's get in the car.

Oh, the car won't run away. Hi, Mom. Hello, Pop.

Tom, Marion, isn't it sad? The poor man in the prime of life. I know we should

celebrate your promotion, but... I guess it'll have to wait until we get back.

What's this about your going to Lourdes all of a sudden? Oh, isn't it wonderful?

For two years, I've been begging your father to take me. My birthright, as you

know. And suddenly, this morning, he walks in with the tickets. We're leaving

this afternoon.

What time, Dad?

4 .30.

I haven't even finished packing yet.

But he insisted on coming to poor Dr.

Littlefield's funeral.

Why?

What's the matter, Bob?

Something wrong? Can't you talk?

Laryngitis?

You were talking a moment ago.

It hit me all of a sudden.

Let's go out.

Oh, Dr. Bagley!

That was a beautiful eulogy you delivered, Dr. Bagley. Don't you think

Yes, indeed.

Thank you. You met my parents, of course. Of course. How are you, Mrs.

Fine.

Stuffed shirt.

Dan, your voice is back.

It comes and goes.

And we'd better go. The funeral's starting.

Pop, wait. Mary and I can take you to the airport later.

Just tell them not to bother. We'll take a cab. Don't bother. We'll take a cab.

Stanley, what on earth is wrong with you? Oh, hurry up, everybody.

They're starting. Okay, okay. We'll talk about a cemetery later. Bye.

Don't worry, sir.

I gave you my word.

The next one.

But, Tom, what did it talk to you?

I don't get you.

I don't get you.

You haven't even finished packing yet.

Here I am going to law. It's for me. No, for you.

All right, Stan. I do appreciate it, but try not to be obvious when you do it.

Don't worry.

The next corner, I'll just sneak out of line and nobody will notice.

Oh, no.

What is it?

Stan, they're following us.

Don't worry, I'll shake them.

They're still with us.

funeral. We'd better get him.

Why do we have to rush like this?

I don't know.

Driver, what's your hurry?

Just following the hearse, sir.

Is this any way to run a funeral procession? The answer is quite

We need a little more decorum, a little more discretion, a little more respect

to show we hate to see you go.

Dear Dr.

Lilliput, it's your day.

Solemnly we've gathered here to send you on your way, but something's gone amiss

and I think it's safe to say you'll finally see the world the way it is.

Well, Dad, I'm asking.

Oh, Stan, don't tire yourself anymore.

We'll explain to Tom.

I think I can make him understand your obligation.

Never mind.

I do.

Is that our son's voice I hear?

Yes, Dad.

It's nothing, Price.

Tom. I heard him.

Dad, listen to me.

This pact you think you made isn't in effect.

You can talk to me. You're in the clear.

Ask him what about what happened to Linfield.

Linfield died at his desk the night before.

Nobody noticed anything unusual until he fell off his chair the next afternoon.

I'm just trying to prove to you that it wasn't your fault. And if it wasn't any

bull from the blue, he died of natural causes. Do you understand?

Now that I've shown you that it's okay for you to talk to me, talk.

What's going on here? Why is my father in a primal life with no discernible

organic ailment lying in his deathbed?

Maybe I've outlived my usefulness.

Maybe I'm an embarrassment to those near and dear to me.

He liked my opinion.

When they were passing out fathers, I hit the jackpot.

Thank you, son.

I go to my maker a happy man.

What's that smell?

Death never smelled like airplane glue.

It's not glue. It's plastic cement.

What? Plastic cement.

I've been using it to keep this inlay in until I got back to see an American

dentist. You've got glue in your mouth?

No, just in the cavity.

That stuff's dangerous even to sniff.

Oh, Stan.

Doctor?

Doctor! Oui?

Yes? What is it? Is there a dentist in the house?

Yes.

Right this way.

i told you if you left the house never to come back so i thought i'd better

to you you idiot

honey

you won't believe what happened what makes you think i won't what'd he do now

well here he was dying of some mysterious ailment nobody could figure

then all of a sudden oh don't tell me i know he just had a baby

Oh, bye, Tom.

Pop, I want to see you again. A couple weeks? Oh, I don't know.

Well, your mother figures since we came this far, we might as well take a look

at the old country. Oh, great.

I want to take it easy on that Polish vodka.

Don't worry. Compared to airplane glue, Polish vodka is nowhere.

Goodbye, Mother.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Dad.

Come on.

Goodbye. Bye.

Bye, Mary.

You know, he's not a bad kid.

He'll have a little workout all right.

God willing.

By the way, didn't you notice anything?

Notice what?

Marion.

When? Oh, not for months yet. At least six.

How about that?

A grandson?

Isaac Newton was.

No, Albert Einstein was.

I can't wait till I get my hands on that kid. Stan, Stan, haven't you learned

yet?

Gee, what's a father for?

I'll tell you what a father's for.

To be there when his children need him. But to bring them up, though...

So they don't?

You know, you're a hell of a gal.

Thank you, Stan.

Did anyone ever tell you you're a very attractive woman?

Not in some time.

Have we ever fooled around in a hospital bed?

Why, Stanley Waltz, we're practically grandparents.

There's no time to lose.

And if there be another life beyond

this earthly sham.