All language subtitles for Hot.Under.The.Collar.1992.720p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Curly fries, good choice. Try them with
horsey sauce, huh?

Hey, hey, JK.

Hey, guys, what's up?

Uh, Theo's dumb.

Very funny.

You guys want something to eat?

Nah, we heard there's going to be like a
sorority party over at UCLA.

Thought we'd check it out.

Which sorority?

Hubba Kappa, something like that. That's
Alpha Kappa Deuces.

Right, Alpha Kappa Deuces, whatever.

Wanna come with ya? Nope, gotta work
late. Then I've got a date with Monica.

Ooh, you guys getting serious or what?

Well, let's just say that tonight is the
night when Mr. Train should be hitting

the magic tunnel.

You're taking her on a train?

So what's the big plan?

A complete guide to hypnosis?

Oh, you guys are starting a lounge act.

Good evening, friends, and welcome to
the Holy Foodnatic.

Now, tonight, I want to talk to all of
you about communicating with God.

Damn, Jer, I don't get it. How come you
always get...

The hot babe's like Monica, and we have
to go begging for dates from the hub of

campus. It's all a matter of attitude,
Bill. You've got to be loose.

You've got to be cool, and you've got to
be confident.

There you go. Perfect timing. Now go
over there and make something happen.

Damn, let's go for it.

That's the attitude, Bill. Now remember,
you're loose.

I'm loose. You're cool. I'm cool. You're
confident.

Eh, don't push me.

Go get him, boy.

Evening, ladies.

Tell me you're off.

So, you chicks up for a little hide the
banana tonight or what?

Beat it, so -so.

Right. That's cool. I can deal.

I'll kiss you babes later, huh?

Change that car!

We must keep our eyes and our ears open
because I will tell you right

now.

will be a sign from God for you, for
you, and for you

today and each and every day.

You must look for that sign.

And when you see that sign, you must
say, yes, Lord, I hear you talking to

For divine redemption amidst a dark sea
of metaphysical nothingness.

Don't you think?

Oh, yeah.

So, what do you want to do now?

I'm not allowed to name it.

But I will say it involves two excited
organs and a change of underwear.

New idea. You want to work on our
hypnosis?

Okay. You've been practicing.

Yeah, I have, but I don't know. I'm just
not getting the hang of it. I'm doing

something wrong.

It's easier with two people.

You know, I bet you're right.

Okay, let me do you first.

Okay? Okay.

Okay. Now, can you relax?

You are very, very black.

You are very beautiful.

I am very happy.

You are very, very happy.

Wow! That was great!

Jerry, you've ruined it!

I changed my mind. I want to do you
first.

Are you sure?

Kick back. Relax.

Okay. Keep your eyes on the crystal.

Okay.

Relax all the tension and all of the
muscles in your entire body.

You are getting very relaxed.

You, Monica, are completely relaxed.

You feel and hear nothing but the sound
of my voice.

Eyelids are getting heavy and you are
feeling very relaxed.

When I count to three, you will fall
into a deep, deep sleep.

One, two, three.

When I snap my fingers, you will wake up
and remember nothing, but you will

find yourself irresistibly attracted,
yearning.

You will crave his strong, masculine
hands all over your eager, nubile body.

And you will want to make mad,
passionate love with him.

I understand, Monica.

Yes, I understand.

Good.

Ready?

Make me scream!

Monica, what are you talking about?

I'm coming, Lord.

I'm coming.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

I'm coming, Lord. I love you. I love
you. I love you. I love you.

Monica!

Wait for me.

Wait for me.

Wait for me.

Whoa, vicious thing.

What are you doing?

Do you just run by here?

Oh. Get him.

Yeah, it's him, all right. Are you sure?
Sure, I'm sure.

How do you know for a fact?

Because I know, all right.

Remember, I am the man that makes the
plan.

Let me see.

Yeah, it's him, all right.

I thought I just heard myself say that.
Let's get him.

Whoa, what do you want to do? Just run
up there and say, excuse me, sisters,

can we kidnap your handyman?

So we can cut off his nuts?

Okay, okay.

So what do we do?

Doofus? We call Cleeghorn, that's what
we do.

Do we?

Why do you always call me a doofus?

I don't know, Bean.

Maybe it's because you're such a doofus!

I hate that.

Anyway, I'm glad she's all right.

Thanks for the info, Mrs. Wolsey.

Bye.

Convent. Huh?

She joined a friggin' convent.

Not funny, Tao.

You have pissed off a lot of women in
your day, Jer. But you've never given

of them to this.

I didn't drive her to anything.

She just stopped and ran off. What
convent did she go to?

You guys are not going to believe this.

The convent of the Blessed Virgin.

No shit?

What's that?

It's one of the nuns from Virgin
Highlands. And no comment from you!

Look, you have to admit that there is a
pattern here with your girlfriend. I

mean, first Chrissy Murphy gets set to
school there, and now this?

All I know is something is definitely
wrong.

Monica is not the nun type.

Maybe she really had a calling. It does
happen, you know.

She's having doubts.

Doubts? What kind of doubts?

Oh, Monica, I don't know if I'm meant to
be a nun.

I can't memorize all that stuff like you
two can.

Oh, sure you can. You just have to stick
with it. Come on.

Did you know that when Mother Teresa
started, she didn't know plenary

from a cocktail lady?

Oh?

You know what?

I think I'm having doubts, too.

Will you two cut it out?

I mean, okay, look.

Perfectly natural to have doubts at
first.

But a year from now, you'll think, Jesus
Christ, do I love being a nun.

And he'll say, yes, you do.

Yes, but no more dates for the rest of
our lives.

Aye, aye, aye.

You two are taking the entirely wrong
attitude here. Okay.

Okay, look.

Who's the subtliest guy you can think
of?

I don't know.

Jean -Claude Van Damme? Rob Lowe.

Okay.

Well, mine is William F. Buckley.

So let's take Jean -Claude, Rob, and
Bill.

All rolled into one super tough dude.

Multiply it by a hundred billion.

And what have you got?

Heaven on earth?

No!

Silly! You've got God! God!

Who could be deadlier than God?

Man, do you think we are all going to be
married to him for the rest of our

lives?

Could anything be more exciting than
that?

I guess not.

You two quit now, you'll probably roast
in hell for all eternity.

And we don't want that, do we?

All right, you talk to me the way you
do, you know?

What way?

You know, that baby talk.

Right now?

Yeah, yeah.

What do you two foes want?

Good news, sir. We found Mac Moolish.

Really? Yeah, he's hiding out in the
convent.

Yeah, he's pretending to be a handyman
or something.

We finally caught up with that
ungrateful little weasel.

When I think of how I practically raised
that kid into a respectable life for

crime, it just makes me...

I can find him.

Well, in all modesty, sir. Never mind.

Point is, we know where he's at.

Now all we gotta do is get to him and
find out what he did with those stones

lifted from us. I mean, me.

Now, how might we go about this, I
wonder?

Well, if I might suggest a couple of
Uzis and a grenade launcher.

Ah, forget that.

That's too risky.

Besides, bullets is one tough nut to
crack, which is something I thought of

myself, by the way.

Nah, nah.

We need a more subtle approach.

We need somebody with experience in the
art of persuasion.

Somebody who understands men and knows
how to make them play ball.

Man, I wonder, who do we have in this
organization?

Sir, I think it's pretty obvious it's
number one man. Stupid idiot!

I'm talking about Rowena here!

I knew that, sir.

Hey, talk about Rowena there!

Now, we sent Rowena into disguise.

All right?

And you two boneheads, you watch her in
the whole place and make sure Moolish

doesn't get wise or try to split or
something.

Now, you think you can handle that?

No problem, Mr. C. Good.

Because if you do this stuff, I'll run
both of you up a flagpole by your

macadamia nuts.

Get the hell out of here.

Thank you, sir.

Right. Come on, Vino.

Good morning.

Good morning, sister.

And you are?

I'm Sister Flavia, the Mother Superior.

And who might you be?

Me? I might be Sister Tiffany.

Sister Tiffany?

Uh -huh.

Well, what can I do for you today?

Well, I'm in this country on kind of a
foreign exchange program, and, uh...

Where might you be from?

Uh, Idaho.

And, uh... That's not a foreign country.

Oh.

Of course it isn't.

How silly of me.

Canada.

That's foreign, isn't it? Yes.

I'm from Idaho, Canada.

A little out -of -the -way convent in
the Northwoods. And we're traveling

America, going from convent to convent,
spending a week or two at each one, just

helping out, getting to know the
sisters, what have you. It's kind of

International goodwill mission for the
church.

I see.

Let's go inside and talk.

Bless you, sister.

I just... Sorry.

Conditioned reflex.

Well, he's in.

Are you sure?

Sure I'm sure.

How do you know for a fact?

Bino, will you quit asking me that?

Hey, I just wanted to make sure, that's
all.

Hey, as long as I'm here, you can be
sure.

Like I told you, I am the man that makes
the plan.

What's that?

Excuse me, sister, I had to...

I've got it.

You call up the convent, right?

You ask to speak to Monica, right?

Then, when she comes to the phone, you
try to talk her into leaving.

And? And that's it.

This is the stupidest thing I've ever
heard. Theo, he's right.

We might as well start out with the
obvious.

Who put you in room six?

I'll see to it that you have clean
linen.

Sister, what are you looking at?

Me? Oh, nothing.

I just had this little twitch in my
butt.

Well,

let's get you settled in.

I mean, thanks.

Be to God.

Tell me, sister, what is this Saint
Tiffany the patron saint of?

Saint Tiffany?

Oh, um, um, um... Jewellery.

Jewellery, that's precious.

Excuse me.

Good morning.

Convent of the Blessed Virgin.

Well, I'm just going to go outside and
pray for a few minutes. This is

Sister Flavia. May I help you?

Oh, hello. This is Walter Woolsey. I'd
like to speak to my daughter, Monica,

please.

Mr. Woolsey, we talked about this
yesterday.

No one outside the convent is allowed to
speak to the new postulants, including

the parents.

The girls must be isolated from the
world for at least three months. Well,

is kind of an emergency, see? Her
grandmother slipped into a coma this

She told me both her grandmothers are
dead.

Did I say grandmother?

What a bonehead. I meant her aunt. Her
aunt? Philomena! She has no Aunt

Philomena. Well, we just call her Aunt,
see? She's actually more of an uncle.

She had this operation and everything
ends differently now. I know how

it is for the parents when the girls
first come to convent, but you're just

going to have to trust that she's in
good hands.

There'll be a visiting day within three
months.

You can see her then. Three months, huh?

Boy, that's long!

Mr. Wolsey, you sound different today.
Do you have a cold? A cold? Oh, yeah.

Cold flu, hemorrhoids, and jock it.

The works.

I hope you feel better.

Thank you, sister.

God bless you.

Hello there.

Oh, good morning, sister.

I like the way you handle that rag.

You do?

Yes. I can tell you're very skilled with
long...

stiff objects.

I'm Sister Tiffany.

Oh, Max.

Max Moolish. Yes,

no doubt about it. These are the hands
of a strong and masterful, yet

exquisitely sensitive man.

Been here long, Max? Oh, no, just a few
weeks.

About ten minutes.

You like it here, Max? Yes.

I mean, I sure do, ma 'am. Well, I can
see why.

I mean, here you are, a fine specimen of
love.

Manhood. Living amongst all these...
Sex.

Stars.

Women.

Well,

I just want you to know, Max, that if
you ever need anything... And I do

need... Anything.

I'll be in room six.

After all, we newcomers have to... stick

together.

Goodbye.

Oh, God, I love this

place.

Later, boys.

He's there.

Isn't there some law against
impersonating a priest?

Why don't you get away with it, huh?

Take notes.

Why are we here?

Are you all right?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Are you a gardener, Father? My
passion.

And I have got to tell you, this is the
finest specimen of Venus flytrap I have

ever seen.

Those are birds of paradise, Father.

Exactly.

So where is everybody?

Most of the sisters are in Vespers.

Is there anything I can help you with?

There they are. Guess I'll just go
hobnob with the penguins. Catch you

Uh, thanks, Father Goose. Eat pluribus
unum.

Good morning, Father.

I'm Sister Flavia.

I'm Father Goose.

That's Goose.

It's Gus.

It's a derivative of the old English
gushy with an umlaut, meaning servant of

God or eater of lizards, depending on
the context.

I see. What brings you here today?

Actually, I was sent here by the Arch
-who?

The, uh, the Seasy Wiz.

Diocese.

You sent me over here to interview your
new group of pledges, to see how they're

doing. Pledges? You mean postulants.

We're calling them pledges now.

It's a directive from you -know -who.

Very unusual.

It was sort of an impulse thing.

That's very strange.

No one from the outside has ever spoken
with the postulants before.

Well, you know what they say, sister.

If it weren't for change, we'd all stay
the same.

I think I'd better double -check this.

Tell you what, why don't you go on over
to the rectory and meet the other

priests, and I'll call the archdiocese.

Anything new?

Bino! Well, excuse me.

Maybe His Majesty would like to get his
own lunch.

All right. Give me, give me. Come on.

Maybe we ought to call Klieghorn.

Bino, we don't have to call Klieghorn
every five minutes.

He told us to keep him posted.

What the hell with Klieghorn?

When I have my plan going, and I got my
operation going... We will have to

answer to no one.

What's this?

What? This on the sandwich here. You got
horsey sauce on this.

So? So I told you, no horsey sauce.

No horsey sauce don't mean yes horsey
sauce.

It does not mean maybe horsey sauce.

No horsey sauce means flat out no horsey
sauce.

Have a cow, Stewie. Why don't you just
take the horsey sauce off?

Oh, right. Like the horsey sauce taste
won't still be on there anyway. Ah, gee,

my me.

Stewie, Stewie?

Yeah.

I've got everything set up here.

Where is he? He's still in the yard.

Let me know as soon as he comes in.
Okay.

Wait.

He's just gone in.

Great. In and out.

That's over and out, Rowena.

For you, maybe.

Bye.

Tramp.

Meg?

Hi, sister.

I'm, uh, having a little problem here.

Think you could give me a, uh...

Dang, radiator acting up again.

You know, I'll fix that damn thing at
least now.

Mr.

Tiffany!

Call me.

W -w -w -what are you doing?

I want to see Max.

As quick as possible.

I need to meet him. I saw you missing,
but you're the only man for me. But

you're a nun, and I'm not even Catholic.

So what?

Oh, you're married to God.

God doesn't have a hairy chest like you
do.

But he's a jealous type.

Oh, man.

Forget about it.

I'm quitting the audience.

Are you sure?

Personally, I see the mystical body as
more of a pedagogic theoretical

than a temporal actuality.

Of course, of course, but don't you
believe that it's palpable enough for us

participate in its divine puissance even
on a quotidian level? Well, that's what

I would call into question. After all,
how can we make it corporeal within the

context of the relativist metaphysical
climate in which we live today?

i see your point father tell me what do
you think father uh

about the mystical body

gee boys

you certainly bitten off a big one there
i mean what do

we mean by mystical or body for that
matter and i do get your point about the

divine puissance i mean

Who knows when you get enough of that?

But it's six of one, half a dozen of the
other. It's not whether you win or

lose, but how you look doing it.

If we're talking mystical body in the
godly sense, I'd have to go with

Christy Brinkley.

Hmm.

Oops, I thought.

Oops. Time for your poor black mass,
Father.

Oh, I thought you were saying that
today. Me?

Oh, no. I have a meeting at 4 .15.

I thought you would get to it. No,
Father. I'm teaching today.

Hmm.

Dominus, domino, domine.

Domine.

Anno domine, and a double domine.

Domine.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to
depart from the usual ceremony today.

And I know that's kind of irregular, but
even the good Lord is entitled to a

little irregularity now and then.

So what I'd like to do is start out with
a little spiritual Simon Says.

Everybody, stand up.

Simon didn't say.

Simon says, everybody stand up.

Simon says, put your hands together.

Simon says, Lord have mercy.

Lord have mercy.

Okay, kneel down.

You people, you're out.

You, you're out.

Gee, thanks, Jess.

No, baby.

So, Max, what do you think of me?

I like you a lot.

I like you too, Max.

It's not just because you're a stud
muffin in the sack or anything.

I mean, because you're an honest man.

And honesty really turns me on.

It does?

I've got an idea.

Let's play truth.

Truth? We both tell some deep, dark
secret about ourselves that we've never

anybody before.

Okay. Okay, I'll go first.

Once I snuck a bag of nacho cheese
tortilla chips into the convent and hid

from the other sisters so that I could
have them all to myself.

Okay, that's my friend.

But remember, honesty.

Oh, gee, I don't think I can think of
anything right now.

Well, of course you can. I mean,
everybody has a big secret. I mean,

when you hid something from somebody.

Hid?

Yeah, like something that didn't belong
to you.

Oh, geez, I just remembered. I forgot to
sweep up the front room.

You didn't tell me your secret, Matt. I
can't think of one right now. Maybe

later. Bye.

You're sure you've never heard of any
Father Goose?

I see.

Thank you very much.

Simon says... Do the twist.

Simon says, flog yourself for sin.

Simon says,

on your knees and grovel before God.

Simon says... Uh -oh.

Uh -oh!

Oh, Father Coote, can I talk to you for
a minute?

We'll have to make it fast.

Would you tell me something about, is it
okay for a priest to kiss a nun?

Well, sure, as long as we don't get into
the habit.

How about a handyman? Can a handyman
kiss a nun? What are you trying to tell

Max? You see, Father, I had carnal
relations with one of the sisters, and I

wanted to find out if I'm going to hell.

Why, Max, you devil. Oh, I know it. Oh,
my God.

Tell me more about this. Well, I didn't
mean to, Father. It was her idea. She

told me she was quitting the orders.
Come on, Father, if you saw the lady's

uncle. She told you she was quitting the
orders? Yeah. Then you're going to be

fine. I am?

It's right there in the Bible.

Cowboys 23, lines 15. He who boffeth a
nun who quitteth the orders shall not.

tell her. Really?

You're fine.

Oh, thank you, Father, thank you. You
don't know what a belief this is,

I really like her a lot, and now she
wants to talk about all my deep, dark

secrets. What deep, dark secrets?

Oh, I don't know if I should say,
Father.

We're protected by a priest's inner
privilege here.

Well, the truth of the matter is,
Father, I'm not really handyman.

No, she is.

She used to hang around these jewel
thieves, but I'm clean now, and they

stole their rocks, even though I didn't,
and now they're after me.

So? And this nun, she's really big on
honesty, and I'm afraid if I don't tell

her... She won't like me no more, but if
I do tell her... Max, let me just give

you a bit of advice.

As the famous philosopher Little Richard
once said, Tutti -frutti -a -rutti, a

-wop -bop -a -doo -bop, a -wop -bam
-boom.

I think there's something in that for
all of us. But should I tell her? Yes!

Oh, thank you, Father.

Later, Max.

But by this time tomorrow, well, boys...

Let's just say I'll be all set to bag
Max's marble.

In and out.

Excuse me, Mr. C.

Yeah, Joe. What do you want?

Take a seat. I'm working out here.
Sorry, sir, but I thought you might want

know that everything's taken care of.

Rowena's in the convent, and she'll have
more info for us by tomorrow.

Fine, fine.

Now get back to work. And remember, if
you bozos blow this, then I gotta come

down here to bail you out.

I'll have your gonads for golf ball.

Thank you, sir.

Get out of here.

A little lower.

Let's get this one.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Hello. Hello.

What are you guys doing tonight?

Well, you know, I thought maybe I'd...
No dates again, huh? You got it.

Don't worry about it. A little more
practice, you'll be a couple of

dudes. Like you, Jer?

Yeah, like that Father Goose thing.
There's a real happening idea. You know,

it's just that attitude that keeps you
two clowns and social po -dunk, Bill,

while I'm tossing dice on the Riviera.

Oh, yeah? Well, why couldn't you get in
to see Monica?

Because that Father Goose thing was just
phase one.

Now comes phase two.

Yeah.

Next he's going in as the Pope.

No, it's better than that.

Satisfaction guaranteed.

Uh -oh.

Hello. I don't think I've ever seen you
before, Sister.

I'm Sister Mary Voluptuous. I'm over at
St. Betty's.

And the girl sent me down here to meet
you new postulants and present them with

this little gift.

Sort of as a welcome to the wonderful
world of Nundum.

Autographed computers of Jesus.

Immaculate inscription.

That's so sweet of you. I'll make sure
that the postulants get them. Actually,

kind of need to present it to them
personally.

Oh, well, that's not possible. Mother
and Mother Superior would never, never

allow that.

Well, there's this beast that goes along
with them.

No one is allowed to touch the
postulants or see them. It's just a

Could you just ask her for me?

Well...

If you stay right here, I'll go get
Mother Superior now.

Okey -dokey.

Hi, sister!

I'm sorry, are you alright?

Oh, yes.

Just a little boo -boo.

Can I get you some ice?

No, thanks. I take mine straight up.

Well, actually...

I'm Sister May of the Love Show from
over at St. Betty's, and we just like to

sort of visit the new postulants at the
local convent, say, hi, how are you,

how's tricks?

Oh, how nice.

I'm Catherine.

Sherry. Monica.

Well, hi, hi, hi.

What's that?

Oh, this is just a little present.

I don't understand.

It's great.

Oh, careful.

It's escaping.

I don't want to interrupt you girls. Why
don't you just go right ahead with what

you were doing before?

You look very familiar to me. Well,
people say I look like Ingrid Bergman in

Bell of St.

Mary.

So, how do you girls like convent life
so far?

Oh, Sister, it's the best. I've never
been happier since devoting my life to

God. You're kidding!

That doesn't sound very enthusiastic.

Are you sure?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Oh, girls, don't be coy now.

I am here to serve.

You can bear it all to me.

Sister, to be honest, we've been
struggling with some doubts.

Ah.

Tell me about them.

Okay.

When I was just 13 or so, my mama told
me, honey, if

heaven's where you want to go, you'd
best become

a nun.

It's neat to them. It's neat to us
sometimes.

It's neat to them.

Like all we do is. Like all we do is.

Pray and meditate. Oh, meditate and
pray.

Pray and meditate and meditate and pray.

Up and sit, down and stand. Then we're
back in church again and try.

Jack, it rubs me right when you
genuflect.

I know you can do better than that.

Come on, girls. Give it that old...

I could cancel you individually.

Starting with, say, you, Monica.

Oh, okay. We could go next door. Okay.

Bye, girls.

Toodle -oo.

Secret. Big secret?

Oh, come on, Maxie. Fair is fair. I
mean, besides, I just don't think I can

turned on again if you don't do
something honest.

Well,

oh, I have to... No, you don't!

There is no escape this time. Oh, come
on.

I really gotta go to the bathroom.

Scout's hiding.

I can't believe you didn't recognize me.
What?

Monica, what is the matter with you?

It's me, Jerry.

Jerry?

Kaminsky.

Jerry Kaminsky?

Jerry!

Monica, what are you... I crave your
strong, masculine, and eager,

new, wild body.

This is hardly the time where the... Oh,
my God.

I'm irresistibly attracted to you. No,
you're not. It's a close, not a

projection.

When I snap my fingers, you will no
longer be irresistibly attracted to

Kaminsky.

Maybe a little bit.

I want to make mad passionate love with
you.

Monica, tell me what's going on here.
You don't belong in this convent. Why

you come here?

To give lifelong service to the Lord.
Come on, Monica. That's not Utah.

Oh, boy.

Somewhere in there, someone must have
given her another post -hypnotic

suggestion.

Come here, you studly sexy.

Listen, Monica.

This is all a mistake. I have to get you
out of here.

No! Who's in there?

Just a moment, sister.

Listen, don't say anything, not a word,
okay? Please?

Oh.

I thought I heard voices.

Uh, no, sister. That was just me. I was
speaking in tongues.

Have you seen a nun running around here
who called herself Sister Mary Voluptua?

Oh, um, well, was she tall, dark
eyebrows, big hands, a funny voice, and

kind of ugly?

That's her.

No, Sister.

You check the front room. I'll talk to
the others.

Tiff. It's like this.

Tiff.

It's like this.

Max?

What's going on?

Uh, nothing, sister. I was just, uh...
Hey, wait a minute.

I've never seen you here before. How do
you know my name?

Well, I had this vision last night, and
there were angels singing and people

dancing.

What the hell is it looking for me, all
right?

Father Goose?

So what's hitting priest?

I'm not even a priest.

You're not a priest?

Long story, Max.

Does this mean I'm going to hell after
all? How should I know? Ask a priest.

Oh, damn. I was just going to tell her
my secret.

Your nun friend, cute little blonde,
great Winnebago's?

Yeah, why?

Think she's trying to pull something
over on you, friend? You're telling me.

I saw her talking to this guy on a
walkie -talkie yesterday.

She's getting ready to bag your marble.

You're lying.

Tiff loves me. She would never do
something like that to me.

Look, I'm just trying to help you out.
Anyway, what is the fastest way out of

here?

Probably run.

Your wound?

My thyroid is flaring up again.

That's not where your thyroid is. It's
where mine is. They had to move it.

Wait a minute.

All

right,

Your Holiness. We'll make preparations
right away.

Well?

He wants to visit some parishes, mingle
with the common folk.

What on earth for?

Oh, you know, the people's pope and all
that.

So what do we do?

We visit some parishes.

So what's the story? You giving up on
Monica or what? What happened to this

grand plan of yours, huh? Phase two was
a smashing success.

Now it's time for phase three.

Which is?

All I have to do is go in there and de
-hypnotize her.

If you two banana heads play your cards
right, I might do you a favor in the

bargain. Oh, really?

Two of Monica's friends are having some
serious doubts.

You guys come in there with me, and you
turn those doubts into dates.

None. No.

Wait.

Pino, wake up. Hey, check it out, check
it out, check it out.

Dude.

Come on, let's go. Come on.

Pino!

As it was in the beginning, is now, and
ever shall be, world without end. Amen.

Amen.

Sure. Oh, amen.

What are you thinking about?

Oh, God, heaven, guardian angel, the
usual stuff.

Good for you, Sherry.

I've been playing this alarm for one
hour now, okay?

thinking about Mel Gibson.

I lied about it. Sherry, take it easy.
It's perfectly normal, really.

I don't know.

Sherry, it is perfectly normal.

Why, just a while ago, I was thinking I
was going to go on.

You were?

Mm -hmm.

So if you get any luck, we'll just say a
bunch of Hail Mary's till it passes.

Works for me.

Thanks, Monica.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is
with thee.

I do not believe this, Comiskey. This is
utterly loony tune.

Cool your jets, Elmer Fudd.

Everything's going to be just fine.

I don't know. I kind of like it. Let's
go.

Hiya, Maxie.

Hiya, Mr. Quakehorn.

That's not Mr.

Quake.

Get him!

This is the Holy Ghost speaking.

I have a message for you.

You have made a big mistake.

I repeat, a big mistake.

When I snap my fingers, you will wake up
and you will no longer have any desire

to be a nun.

Do you understand, Monica?

Mm -hmm.

Good.

And you'll still crave Jerry Kaminsky's
body, but not until later when I say so.

One, two, three.

Hi, Jer.

What are you doing in a funky outfit
like that?

And what did Who the hell am I?

Gary, what is going on here?

Take it easy, babe. He just ran off and
joined a convent. No big deal.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no.

Hello, sisters.

What's going on?

Ta -da!

Girls, relax.

They're perfectly harmless.

Thanks a lot.

So, I hear you girls are having a couple
doubts.

I don't believe this. If Sister Flavia
walks in the door, we're dead.

So, we can have a good time until then,
right?

We're not allowed to have fun.

Wait a minute, hold it.

Think about this.

Three guys dressed in habits walk into
our room while we're sleeping and try to

pick us up. That's too weird, right?

No kidding.

Okay, so that can mean only one thing.
We're dreaming.

Dreaming? Yeah!

And if we're dreaming, we can do
whatever we want. And who's gonna know?

Sounds good to me.

Let's party! Alright!

Yes!

Now what?

I'm calling Cleekhorn. You stay here and
watch the place!

There's a monastic life a hard habit to
break

Rowena?

Yeah? Have you seen our friend Max
lately?

I told you, I'm working on it. Oh,
really?

Then you must know he tried to get away.

What? He tried to escape, but luckily we
chased him back into the convent. But

you must find him fast, or Kleehorn's
going to roast our gooseberries.

I'm on it.

Aren't you going to find him?

Yes. Out and in.

Right. Over and out.

Holy shitskies.

All right.

Attention all morons.

Because of a certain pair of incompetent
horse heads, The man is to tip off

Moonless that we found him. I am forced
to invade this house of religious honor

to get him.

Is there any questions?

If you raise a dump, so help me, I'll
bite it off.

You guys are not going to believe what I
found in the hallway.

Wow.

Do you know what this means?

Oh, my God.

What? They're fake. I mean, why would
diamonds be hanging around the Hall of

Condor? Thank you, guys. Come on. We
could wake up any minute here.

You're right.

Stop. It's not too complicated for your
brains to understand. I want you to find

the phone lines and cut them.

All right. You go round everybody up.
Right.

I want to snoop around a little bit.

Jane Russell's picture. You know, this
seems awfully real for a dream.

Oh, come on. You're dancing in a limbo
with three guys and a half. How real

could that be?

Well, I guess you're right.

Hold it! Max told me he used to be
involved with jewel thieves.

So? So maybe those diamonds were real.

We've got to get him back.

Who's Max?

if it ain't Sister Mary Airhead.

Look, I've done everything you told me
to do. You stupid little bimbo. You

screwed up and I'm pissed off.

I am not a bimbo, Lyle. Hey, I tell you
what you are and what you aren't. Now

you better find moolahs fast or you're
going to be one dead bimbo.

Get! I said get!

What the hell is going on here?

You were a bad boy, my friend.

I thought you were out of the Hot Rocks
business. I am. I just kept this one

little vest because it's the only way I
could pay for my law school.

Look, my mama needs an operation real
bad.

Max! It's the truth. What could be
keeping him?

I hope he's all right.

What's going on here?

Look,

I can't be talking with you right now.
They found me. They're here. They're

going to chop me up for bug food. Who
is?

The guys I work for. Now, if they get a
hold of these stones, they're just gonna

sell them for drugs again. Now, go away.
Please?

Here.

Hey, you're none.

Hey. You see Max Morlitzer out? Hey,
hey. You ain't no none.

Yes, I am.

Bullshit. You're a guy.

Shows what you know. We're co -ed now.

What kind of place is this? Hey.

Hey, what do you got me on your back?

Nothing. Let me see.

Let me see the other one.

Let me see. Let me see.

Both of them.

Get back here,

whoever you are.

All right, you peeps.

What the hell's going on in here?

Yes, what the hell is going on in here?
Oh, my God.

Oh, God, I knew it was going to happen.

Now we're going to be executed.

Get a hold of yourself.

What do you got now, homos and habits?

That's what I'd like to know.

You see, sister, we were just... Never
mind.

The rest of you get on over there with
them. Come on.

Come on.

Now.

Who knows where Mac Moolish is?

Nuts!

Geez, that was a tough - Check.

Dope. Get that guy. Cut the stone.

Huh? You idiot.

Go after him. Oh.

Maxie.

Max.

Come on.

I know you're out here somewhere.

Max.

What the hell are you doing?

What does it look like?

Max.

Where are the diamonds?

I don't know. Even if I did, I wouldn't
tell you.

I was just doing my job. Don't take it
personally.

You're just using me. I really liked you
a lot, and I thought you liked me.

I do like you, Maxie.

Come on.

Just tell me where the diamonds are.

I told you, I don't know. I gave them to
some guy in a nun suit.

All right.

Let's go.

Come on, Maxie. I don't want to have to
use this. No good.

Go ahead and shoot me. I don't have
anything to live for anyway.

Sir, obviously we don't know where Max
is. You might as well let us go. We stay

here until somebody talks.

Well, what do you want him for anyway?

He's our force for bridge.

None of your business!

We're wasting time.

And as for you three, you have some
explaining to do.

You know what? I don't like this team
anymore. Me either. It's too real.

Let's pinch ourselves and wake up. No,
you don't need to do that. Why not?

Because the best part is yet to come.
Which part?

The, uh, the Spanish fly part.

What? I told you people to stop the yik
-yakin'.

I don't know where Max Moolish is.

But I'm sure if we put our heads
together, we can come up with something.

Kind of cute for a nun, aren't you?

Naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty.

You are a very, very naughty boy.

You are very, very, very sleepy.

Your eyelids are very, very...

Nice try, sweet cake. Now get over there
and shut up.

What are you looking at?

Come on, Maxie, please.

I'm in deep enough doo -doo as it is. If
I don't take you to Lyle, he's going to

kill me.

Good. I serve you right.

I can't pretend any longer.

It's true.

I hate Lyle.

It's you I want, Maxie. I adore you.

I didn't want it to happen, but I
couldn't help myself.

Huh?

Let's run away.

You and me.

We can leave town and move to Alaska,
where Lyle could never find us.

You could go to law school, and I could
stay home and bake gingers now.

You're making it up.

No, I swear, Maxie. Oh, come on. We
gotta hurry.

You really mean it?

Cross my heart and hope to die. Well,
how do I know for sure?

Nothing's happening.

Maybe you're only dreaming that you're
dreaming. Yeah, maybe you're not even

sleeping at all. Maybe you're in a
movie.

Girls, look, you might as well know
we're not dreaming. This is all very

You mean there's a real gun that guy
has?

And these guys really snuck into our
room? And we danced with them?

Oh, my God.

You disgust me. How dare you try to pick
up a nun?

You should be ashamed, you pervert.

Hey,

whoa, whoa, whoa.

Dude, I think you're in the wrong movie.
What did you say?

Oh.

Are you alright?

I'm sorry, you guys.

Oh, by the way, which way to Burbank?

I think it's over this way. You know,
Bruce, you really, really, really should

do lunch sometime.

I'll have my girl. Call your girl.

Seasons change, don't you ever? Later
do.

You know something?

You look awfully familiar to me.

Will you sit down, please?

I know I've seen you someplace before.

Stuart McGriff!

Huh?

Sixth grade.

St. Jude Elementary.

Sister... Flavia!

You little devil.

I knew you'd come to no good.

Now, wait a minute. I haven't met your
little friend yet!

How dare you bring a gun in here? Wait
till your mother hears about this.

What is this place?

The convent of the Blessed Virgin.

Let's go in.

With all due respect, Your Holiness,
we've already visited four parishes

and it's getting rather late.

Come, come. It's never too late for
God's work.

hell are you? Never mind, who are you?

Police! That guy's a wanted jewel thief!

What? Grab him, quick!

Wait a minute, he's no cop!

And you're no priest!

Jesus, the thief has to see his badge!

What the devil? Aye, nobody moves!

You two guys, with the gun, drop him, or
this guy gets it!

My good man, do you know who that is?

Oh, God.

No, but you're close.

Some rabbi. For what?

He's not a rabbi. He's the Holy Father,
the Pope.

Get out of here.

If he's the Pope, how come he's wearing
a yarmulke?

That's not a yarmulke.

Oh, yeah? Then what is it?

It's the papal beanie.

Holy shit.

I'm sorry.

The lordship, the pompship, the
pompworship.

Quite all right.

What, Adam?

Rampart?

How does this thing work?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Let's
be reasonable here.

Dance, suckers.

Please! Let's go, let's dance! Let's get
out of here!

I just think we were having jobs.

I'd forgotten what scum they are.

Dude? I think we need to reexamine our
approach to women.

I'm out of here.

What?

All right.

Here's the deal.

Walk up real nice and smooth, Mike.

And give me those rocks.

Everybody else, don't move.

Let's go.

Chop, chop.

Come on, come on.

Lyle, look who I found.

Rowena, can't you see I'm tied up here?

I thought you wanted Moolish.

I don't care about Moolish. The stone's
in here, you stupid bimbo.

Lyle, I told you I'm not a bimbo. Shut
up, you bimbo.

No, you shut up.

What are you doing? I've taken your
poppycock long enough. I love Max, and

going away together.

Oh, Tiff.

It's Rowena, honey.

Oh, Rowena.

What? Everybody's going cuckoo around
here. Drop your gun and let go of that

rabbi. No way.

Did you get him, boss?

Whoop. Guess not.

Reno, grab Rowena. She's throwing it
against us.

Huh? Just do it.

Guess you better drop it.

I mean, make my day.

Okay, just drop the stones on the
ground.

Move, move, move!

Hey, hey!

Ah,

come on!

Give me my rock!

Are you all right, sir? Yes, yes, I
think so.

You're a very brave young priest.

It was least I could do for my main holy
man.

Here you go.

Exhibit X.

You men are very lucky.

Very lucky. That's the Klieghorn gang.

We've been after them for months.

Well, you know, we had a little help
from...

I'll testify for you, Max.

You!

You have a lot of nerve coming back
here, you phony baloney.

Father Goose, indeed.

And I bet all the rest of these
imposters are friends of yours, too.

Don't be angry, sister.

He's actually a fine young man.

Who's this bozo?

Really, sister, this is the Holy Father.

Oh, well, isn't that nice?

Holy Father, indeed.

Well, it isn't often we get a visit from
the Pope these days.

Well, Pope this.

What do you think I am, some kind of an
idiot?

The only thing holy about you is your
underwear.

I'm sorry, Your Holiness. I had no idea
she was demented.

Let go of me. Let go of me. Are you all
right?

Yes, yes.

Well, my son, you saved my life.

I would like to do something for you.

Oh, it's not necessary for you to do
anything. Nonsense.

One kind act deserves another.

I don't know if there's anything you
could do for me. Come now. I know

something I could do for an outstanding
young priest like yourself.

Maybe there's one thing.

It's Jerry.

Jerry.

I thought you'd understand When I laid
you by the hand

That I'd never make you go Unless you
wanted to

Come on now I'm the guy who'll show you
what it's all

about All I've got to know Why'd you
have to go?

What you have to know.

What you have to know.

You were gonna make me cry.

You were gonna make me wonder why.

You were gonna make me think about the
times you lied.

You

why'd you have to go why'd you have to
go

why'd you have to go why'd you have to
go