Original subtitles

Curly fries, good choice. Try them with horsey sauce, huh?

Hey, hey, JK.

Hey, guys, what's up?

Uh, Theo's dumb.

Very funny.

You guys want something to eat?

Nah, we heard there's going to be like a sorority party over at UCLA.

Thought we'd check it out.

Which sorority?

Hubba Kappa, something like that. That's Alpha Kappa Deuces.

Right, Alpha Kappa Deuces, whatever.

Wanna come with ya? Nope, gotta work late. Then I've got a date with Monica.

Ooh, you guys getting serious or what?

Well, let's just say that tonight is the night when Mr. Train should be hitting

the magic tunnel.

You're taking her on a train?

So what's the big plan?

A complete guide to hypnosis?

Oh, you guys are starting a lounge act.

Good evening, friends, and welcome to the Holy Foodnatic.

Now, tonight, I want to talk to all of you about communicating with God.

Damn, Jer, I don't get it. How come you always get...

The hot babe's like Monica, and we have to go begging for dates from the hub of

campus. It's all a matter of attitude, Bill. You've got to be loose.

You've got to be cool, and you've got to be confident.

There you go. Perfect timing. Now go over there and make something happen.

Damn, let's go for it.

That's the attitude, Bill. Now remember, you're loose.

I'm loose. You're cool. I'm cool. You're confident.

Eh, don't push me.

Go get him, boy.

Evening, ladies.

Tell me you're off.

So, you chicks up for a little hide the banana tonight or what?

Beat it, so -so.

Right. That's cool. I can deal.

I'll kiss you babes later, huh?

Change that car!

We must keep our eyes and our ears open because I will tell you right

now.

will be a sign from God for you, for you, and for you

today and each and every day.

You must look for that sign.

And when you see that sign, you must say, yes, Lord, I hear you talking to

For divine redemption amidst a dark sea of metaphysical nothingness.

Don't you think?

Oh, yeah.

So, what do you want to do now?

I'm not allowed to name it.

But I will say it involves two excited organs and a change of underwear.

New idea. You want to work on our hypnosis?

Okay. You've been practicing.

Yeah, I have, but I don't know. I'm just not getting the hang of it. I'm doing

something wrong.

It's easier with two people.

You know, I bet you're right.

Okay, let me do you first.

Okay? Okay.

Okay. Now, can you relax?

You are very, very black.

You are very beautiful.

I am very happy.

You are very, very happy.

Wow! That was great!

Jerry, you've ruined it!

I changed my mind. I want to do you first.

Are you sure?

Kick back. Relax.

Okay. Keep your eyes on the crystal.

Okay.

Relax all the tension and all of the muscles in your entire body.

You are getting very relaxed.

You, Monica, are completely relaxed.

You feel and hear nothing but the sound of my voice.

Eyelids are getting heavy and you are feeling very relaxed.

When I count to three, you will fall into a deep, deep sleep.

One, two, three.

When I snap my fingers, you will wake up and remember nothing, but you will

find yourself irresistibly attracted, yearning.

You will crave his strong, masculine hands all over your eager, nubile body.

And you will want to make mad, passionate love with him.

I understand, Monica.

Yes, I understand.

Good.

Ready?

Make me scream!

Monica, what are you talking about?

I'm coming, Lord.

I'm coming.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

I'm coming, Lord. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Monica!

Wait for me.

Wait for me.

Wait for me.

Whoa, vicious thing.

What are you doing?

Do you just run by here?

Oh. Get him.

Yeah, it's him, all right. Are you sure? Sure, I'm sure.

How do you know for a fact?

Because I know, all right.

Remember, I am the man that makes the plan.

Let me see.

Yeah, it's him, all right.

I thought I just heard myself say that. Let's get him.

Whoa, what do you want to do? Just run up there and say, excuse me, sisters,

can we kidnap your handyman?

So we can cut off his nuts?

Okay, okay.

So what do we do?

Doofus? We call Cleeghorn, that's what we do.

Do we?

Why do you always call me a doofus?

I don't know, Bean.

Maybe it's because you're such a doofus!

I hate that.

Anyway, I'm glad she's all right.

Thanks for the info, Mrs. Wolsey.

Bye.

Convent. Huh?

She joined a friggin' convent.

Not funny, Tao.

You have pissed off a lot of women in your day, Jer. But you've never given

of them to this.

I didn't drive her to anything.

She just stopped and ran off. What convent did she go to?

You guys are not going to believe this.

The convent of the Blessed Virgin.

No shit?

What's that?

It's one of the nuns from Virgin Highlands. And no comment from you!

Look, you have to admit that there is a pattern here with your girlfriend. I

mean, first Chrissy Murphy gets set to school there, and now this?

All I know is something is definitely wrong.

Monica is not the nun type.

Maybe she really had a calling. It does happen, you know.

She's having doubts.

Doubts? What kind of doubts?

Oh, Monica, I don't know if I'm meant to be a nun.

I can't memorize all that stuff like you two can.

Oh, sure you can. You just have to stick with it. Come on.

Did you know that when Mother Teresa started, she didn't know plenary

from a cocktail lady?

Oh?

You know what?

I think I'm having doubts, too.

Will you two cut it out?

I mean, okay, look.

Perfectly natural to have doubts at first.

But a year from now, you'll think, Jesus Christ, do I love being a nun.

And he'll say, yes, you do.

Yes, but no more dates for the rest of our lives.

Aye, aye, aye.

You two are taking the entirely wrong attitude here. Okay.

Okay, look.

Who's the subtliest guy you can think of?

I don't know.

Jean -Claude Van Damme? Rob Lowe.

Okay.

Well, mine is William F. Buckley.

So let's take Jean -Claude, Rob, and Bill.

All rolled into one super tough dude.

Multiply it by a hundred billion.

And what have you got?

Heaven on earth?

No!

Silly! You've got God! God!

Who could be deadlier than God?

Man, do you think we are all going to be married to him for the rest of our

lives?

Could anything be more exciting than that?

I guess not.

You two quit now, you'll probably roast in hell for all eternity.

And we don't want that, do we?

All right, you talk to me the way you do, you know?

What way?

You know, that baby talk.

Right now?

Yeah, yeah.

What do you two foes want?

Good news, sir. We found Mac Moolish.

Really? Yeah, he's hiding out in the convent.

Yeah, he's pretending to be a handyman or something.

We finally caught up with that ungrateful little weasel.

When I think of how I practically raised that kid into a respectable life for

crime, it just makes me...

I can find him.

Well, in all modesty, sir. Never mind.

Point is, we know where he's at.

Now all we gotta do is get to him and find out what he did with those stones

lifted from us. I mean, me.

Now, how might we go about this, I wonder?

Well, if I might suggest a couple of Uzis and a grenade launcher.

Ah, forget that.

That's too risky.

Besides, bullets is one tough nut to crack, which is something I thought of

myself, by the way.

Nah, nah.

We need a more subtle approach.

We need somebody with experience in the art of persuasion.

Somebody who understands men and knows how to make them play ball.

Man, I wonder, who do we have in this organization?

Sir, I think it's pretty obvious it's number one man. Stupid idiot!

I'm talking about Rowena here!

I knew that, sir.

Hey, talk about Rowena there!

Now, we sent Rowena into disguise.

All right?

And you two boneheads, you watch her in the whole place and make sure Moolish

doesn't get wise or try to split or something.

Now, you think you can handle that?

No problem, Mr. C. Good.

Because if you do this stuff, I'll run both of you up a flagpole by your

macadamia nuts.

Get the hell out of here.

Thank you, sir.

Right. Come on, Vino.

Good morning.

Good morning, sister.

And you are?

I'm Sister Flavia, the Mother Superior.

And who might you be?

Me? I might be Sister Tiffany.

Sister Tiffany?

Uh -huh.

Well, what can I do for you today?

Well, I'm in this country on kind of a foreign exchange program, and, uh...

Where might you be from?

Uh, Idaho.

And, uh... That's not a foreign country.

Oh.

Of course it isn't.

How silly of me.

Canada.

That's foreign, isn't it? Yes.

I'm from Idaho, Canada.

A little out -of -the -way convent in the Northwoods. And we're traveling

America, going from convent to convent, spending a week or two at each one, just

helping out, getting to know the sisters, what have you. It's kind of

International goodwill mission for the church.

I see.

Let's go inside and talk.

Bless you, sister.

I just... Sorry.

Conditioned reflex.

Well, he's in.

Are you sure?

Sure I'm sure.

How do you know for a fact?

Bino, will you quit asking me that?

Hey, I just wanted to make sure, that's all.

Hey, as long as I'm here, you can be sure.

Like I told you, I am the man that makes the plan.

What's that?

Excuse me, sister, I had to...

I've got it.

You call up the convent, right?

You ask to speak to Monica, right?

Then, when she comes to the phone, you try to talk her into leaving.

And? And that's it.

This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Theo, he's right.

We might as well start out with the obvious.

Who put you in room six?

I'll see to it that you have clean linen.

Sister, what are you looking at?

Me? Oh, nothing.

I just had this little twitch in my butt.

Well,

let's get you settled in.

I mean, thanks.

Be to God.

Tell me, sister, what is this Saint Tiffany the patron saint of?

Saint Tiffany?

Oh, um, um, um... Jewellery.

Jewellery, that's precious.

Excuse me.

Good morning.

Convent of the Blessed Virgin.

Well, I'm just going to go outside and pray for a few minutes. This is

Sister Flavia. May I help you?

Oh, hello. This is Walter Woolsey. I'd like to speak to my daughter, Monica,

please.

Mr. Woolsey, we talked about this yesterday.

No one outside the convent is allowed to speak to the new postulants, including

the parents.

The girls must be isolated from the world for at least three months. Well,

is kind of an emergency, see? Her grandmother slipped into a coma this

She told me both her grandmothers are dead.

Did I say grandmother?

What a bonehead. I meant her aunt. Her aunt? Philomena! She has no Aunt

Philomena. Well, we just call her Aunt, see? She's actually more of an uncle.

She had this operation and everything ends differently now. I know how

it is for the parents when the girls first come to convent, but you're just

going to have to trust that she's in good hands.

There'll be a visiting day within three months.

You can see her then. Three months, huh?

Boy, that's long!

Mr. Wolsey, you sound different today. Do you have a cold? A cold? Oh, yeah.

Cold flu, hemorrhoids, and jock it.

The works.

I hope you feel better.

Thank you, sister.

God bless you.

Hello there.

Oh, good morning, sister.

I like the way you handle that rag.

You do?

Yes. I can tell you're very skilled with long...

stiff objects.

I'm Sister Tiffany.

Oh, Max.

Max Moolish. Yes,

no doubt about it. These are the hands of a strong and masterful, yet

exquisitely sensitive man.

Been here long, Max? Oh, no, just a few weeks.

About ten minutes.

You like it here, Max? Yes.

I mean, I sure do, ma 'am. Well, I can see why.

I mean, here you are, a fine specimen of love.

Manhood. Living amongst all these... Sex.

Stars.

Women.

Well,

I just want you to know, Max, that if you ever need anything... And I do

need... Anything.

I'll be in room six.

After all, we newcomers have to... stick

together.

Goodbye.

Oh, God, I love this

place.

Later, boys.

He's there.

Isn't there some law against impersonating a priest?

Why don't you get away with it, huh?

Take notes.

Why are we here?

Are you all right?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Are you a gardener, Father? My passion.

And I have got to tell you, this is the finest specimen of Venus flytrap I have

ever seen.

Those are birds of paradise, Father.

Exactly.

So where is everybody?

Most of the sisters are in Vespers.

Is there anything I can help you with?

There they are. Guess I'll just go hobnob with the penguins. Catch you

Uh, thanks, Father Goose. Eat pluribus unum.

Good morning, Father.

I'm Sister Flavia.

I'm Father Goose.

That's Goose.

It's Gus.

It's a derivative of the old English gushy with an umlaut, meaning servant of

God or eater of lizards, depending on the context.

I see. What brings you here today?

Actually, I was sent here by the Arch -who?

The, uh, the Seasy Wiz.

Diocese.

You sent me over here to interview your new group of pledges, to see how they're

doing. Pledges? You mean postulants.

We're calling them pledges now.

It's a directive from you -know -who.

Very unusual.

It was sort of an impulse thing.

That's very strange.

No one from the outside has ever spoken with the postulants before.

Well, you know what they say, sister.

If it weren't for change, we'd all stay the same.

I think I'd better double -check this.

Tell you what, why don't you go on over to the rectory and meet the other

priests, and I'll call the archdiocese.

Anything new?

Bino! Well, excuse me.

Maybe His Majesty would like to get his own lunch.

All right. Give me, give me. Come on.

Maybe we ought to call Klieghorn.

Bino, we don't have to call Klieghorn every five minutes.

He told us to keep him posted.

What the hell with Klieghorn?

When I have my plan going, and I got my operation going... We will have to

answer to no one.

What's this?

What? This on the sandwich here. You got horsey sauce on this.

So? So I told you, no horsey sauce.

No horsey sauce don't mean yes horsey sauce.

It does not mean maybe horsey sauce.

No horsey sauce means flat out no horsey sauce.

Have a cow, Stewie. Why don't you just take the horsey sauce off?

Oh, right. Like the horsey sauce taste won't still be on there anyway. Ah, gee,

my me.

Stewie, Stewie?

Yeah.

I've got everything set up here.

Where is he? He's still in the yard.

Let me know as soon as he comes in. Okay.

Wait.

He's just gone in.

Great. In and out.

That's over and out, Rowena.

For you, maybe.

Bye.

Tramp.

Meg?

Hi, sister.

I'm, uh, having a little problem here.

Think you could give me a, uh...

Dang, radiator acting up again.

You know, I'll fix that damn thing at least now.

Mr.

Tiffany!

Call me.

W -w -w -what are you doing?

I want to see Max.

As quick as possible.

I need to meet him. I saw you missing, but you're the only man for me. But

you're a nun, and I'm not even Catholic.

So what?

Oh, you're married to God.

God doesn't have a hairy chest like you do.

But he's a jealous type.

Oh, man.

Forget about it.

I'm quitting the audience.

Are you sure?

Personally, I see the mystical body as more of a pedagogic theoretical

than a temporal actuality.

Of course, of course, but don't you believe that it's palpable enough for us

participate in its divine puissance even on a quotidian level? Well, that's what

I would call into question. After all, how can we make it corporeal within the

context of the relativist metaphysical climate in which we live today?

i see your point father tell me what do you think father uh

about the mystical body

gee boys

you certainly bitten off a big one there i mean what do

we mean by mystical or body for that matter and i do get your point about the

divine puissance i mean

Who knows when you get enough of that?

But it's six of one, half a dozen of the other. It's not whether you win or

lose, but how you look doing it.

If we're talking mystical body in the godly sense, I'd have to go with

Christy Brinkley.

Hmm.

Oops, I thought.

Oops. Time for your poor black mass, Father.

Oh, I thought you were saying that today. Me?

Oh, no. I have a meeting at 4 .15.

I thought you would get to it. No, Father. I'm teaching today.

Hmm.

Dominus, domino, domine.

Domine.

Anno domine, and a double domine.

Domine.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to depart from the usual ceremony today.

And I know that's kind of irregular, but even the good Lord is entitled to a

little irregularity now and then.

So what I'd like to do is start out with a little spiritual Simon Says.

Everybody, stand up.

Simon didn't say.

Simon says, everybody stand up.

Simon says, put your hands together.

Simon says, Lord have mercy.

Lord have mercy.

Okay, kneel down.

You people, you're out.

You, you're out.

Gee, thanks, Jess.

No, baby.

So, Max, what do you think of me?

I like you a lot.

I like you too, Max.

It's not just because you're a stud muffin in the sack or anything.

I mean, because you're an honest man.

And honesty really turns me on.

It does?

I've got an idea.

Let's play truth.

Truth? We both tell some deep, dark secret about ourselves that we've never

anybody before.

Okay. Okay, I'll go first.

Once I snuck a bag of nacho cheese tortilla chips into the convent and hid

from the other sisters so that I could have them all to myself.

Okay, that's my friend.

But remember, honesty.

Oh, gee, I don't think I can think of anything right now.

Well, of course you can. I mean, everybody has a big secret. I mean,

when you hid something from somebody.

Hid?

Yeah, like something that didn't belong to you.

Oh, geez, I just remembered. I forgot to sweep up the front room.

You didn't tell me your secret, Matt. I can't think of one right now. Maybe

later. Bye.

You're sure you've never heard of any Father Goose?

I see.

Thank you very much.

Simon says... Do the twist.

Simon says, flog yourself for sin.

Simon says,

on your knees and grovel before God.

Simon says... Uh -oh.

Uh -oh!

Oh, Father Coote, can I talk to you for a minute?

We'll have to make it fast.

Would you tell me something about, is it okay for a priest to kiss a nun?

Well, sure, as long as we don't get into the habit.

How about a handyman? Can a handyman kiss a nun? What are you trying to tell

Max? You see, Father, I had carnal relations with one of the sisters, and I

wanted to find out if I'm going to hell.

Why, Max, you devil. Oh, I know it. Oh, my God.

Tell me more about this. Well, I didn't mean to, Father. It was her idea. She

told me she was quitting the orders. Come on, Father, if you saw the lady's

uncle. She told you she was quitting the orders? Yeah. Then you're going to be

fine. I am?

It's right there in the Bible.

Cowboys 23, lines 15. He who boffeth a nun who quitteth the orders shall not.

tell her. Really?

You're fine.

Oh, thank you, Father, thank you. You don't know what a belief this is,

I really like her a lot, and now she wants to talk about all my deep, dark

secrets. What deep, dark secrets?

Oh, I don't know if I should say, Father.

We're protected by a priest's inner privilege here.

Well, the truth of the matter is, Father, I'm not really handyman.

No, she is.

She used to hang around these jewel thieves, but I'm clean now, and they

stole their rocks, even though I didn't, and now they're after me.

So? And this nun, she's really big on honesty, and I'm afraid if I don't tell

her... She won't like me no more, but if I do tell her... Max, let me just give

you a bit of advice.

As the famous philosopher Little Richard once said, Tutti -frutti -a -rutti, a

-wop -bop -a -doo -bop, a -wop -bam -boom.

I think there's something in that for all of us. But should I tell her? Yes!

Oh, thank you, Father.

Later, Max.

But by this time tomorrow, well, boys...

Let's just say I'll be all set to bag Max's marble.

In and out.

Excuse me, Mr. C.

Yeah, Joe. What do you want?

Take a seat. I'm working out here. Sorry, sir, but I thought you might want

know that everything's taken care of.

Rowena's in the convent, and she'll have more info for us by tomorrow.

Fine, fine.

Now get back to work. And remember, if you bozos blow this, then I gotta come

down here to bail you out.

I'll have your gonads for golf ball.

Thank you, sir.

Get out of here.

A little lower.

Let's get this one.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Hello. Hello.

What are you guys doing tonight?

Well, you know, I thought maybe I'd... No dates again, huh? You got it.

Don't worry about it. A little more practice, you'll be a couple of

dudes. Like you, Jer?

Yeah, like that Father Goose thing. There's a real happening idea. You know,

it's just that attitude that keeps you two clowns and social po -dunk, Bill,

while I'm tossing dice on the Riviera.

Oh, yeah? Well, why couldn't you get in to see Monica?

Because that Father Goose thing was just phase one.

Now comes phase two.

Yeah.

Next he's going in as the Pope.

No, it's better than that.

Satisfaction guaranteed.

Uh -oh.

Hello. I don't think I've ever seen you before, Sister.

I'm Sister Mary Voluptuous. I'm over at St. Betty's.

And the girl sent me down here to meet you new postulants and present them with

this little gift.

Sort of as a welcome to the wonderful world of Nundum.

Autographed computers of Jesus.

Immaculate inscription.

That's so sweet of you. I'll make sure that the postulants get them. Actually,

kind of need to present it to them personally.

Oh, well, that's not possible. Mother and Mother Superior would never, never

allow that.

Well, there's this beast that goes along with them.

No one is allowed to touch the postulants or see them. It's just a

Could you just ask her for me?

Well...

If you stay right here, I'll go get Mother Superior now.

Okey -dokey.

Hi, sister!

I'm sorry, are you alright?

Oh, yes.

Just a little boo -boo.

Can I get you some ice?

No, thanks. I take mine straight up.

Well, actually...

I'm Sister May of the Love Show from over at St. Betty's, and we just like to

sort of visit the new postulants at the local convent, say, hi, how are you,

how's tricks?

Oh, how nice.

I'm Catherine.

Sherry. Monica.

Well, hi, hi, hi.

What's that?

Oh, this is just a little present.

I don't understand.

It's great.

Oh, careful.

It's escaping.

I don't want to interrupt you girls. Why don't you just go right ahead with what

you were doing before?

You look very familiar to me. Well, people say I look like Ingrid Bergman in

Bell of St.

Mary.

So, how do you girls like convent life so far?

Oh, Sister, it's the best. I've never been happier since devoting my life to

God. You're kidding!

That doesn't sound very enthusiastic.

Are you sure?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Oh, girls, don't be coy now.

I am here to serve.

You can bear it all to me.

Sister, to be honest, we've been struggling with some doubts.

Ah.

Tell me about them.

Okay.

When I was just 13 or so, my mama told me, honey, if

heaven's where you want to go, you'd best become

a nun.

It's neat to them. It's neat to us sometimes.

It's neat to them.

Like all we do is. Like all we do is.

Pray and meditate. Oh, meditate and pray.

Pray and meditate and meditate and pray.

Up and sit, down and stand. Then we're back in church again and try.

Jack, it rubs me right when you genuflect.

I know you can do better than that.

Come on, girls. Give it that old...

I could cancel you individually.

Starting with, say, you, Monica.

Oh, okay. We could go next door. Okay.

Bye, girls.

Toodle -oo.

Secret. Big secret?

Oh, come on, Maxie. Fair is fair. I mean, besides, I just don't think I can

turned on again if you don't do something honest.

Well,

oh, I have to... No, you don't!

There is no escape this time. Oh, come on.

I really gotta go to the bathroom.

Scout's hiding.

I can't believe you didn't recognize me. What?

Monica, what is the matter with you?

It's me, Jerry.

Jerry?

Kaminsky.

Jerry Kaminsky?

Jerry!

Monica, what are you... I crave your strong, masculine, and eager,

new, wild body.

This is hardly the time where the... Oh, my God.

I'm irresistibly attracted to you. No, you're not. It's a close, not a

projection.

When I snap my fingers, you will no longer be irresistibly attracted to

Kaminsky.

Maybe a little bit.

I want to make mad passionate love with you.

Monica, tell me what's going on here. You don't belong in this convent. Why

you come here?

To give lifelong service to the Lord. Come on, Monica. That's not Utah.

Oh, boy.

Somewhere in there, someone must have given her another post -hypnotic

suggestion.

Come here, you studly sexy.

Listen, Monica.

This is all a mistake. I have to get you out of here.

No! Who's in there?

Just a moment, sister.

Listen, don't say anything, not a word, okay? Please?

Oh.

I thought I heard voices.

Uh, no, sister. That was just me. I was speaking in tongues.

Have you seen a nun running around here who called herself Sister Mary Voluptua?

Oh, um, well, was she tall, dark eyebrows, big hands, a funny voice, and

kind of ugly?

That's her.

No, Sister.

You check the front room. I'll talk to the others.

Tiff. It's like this.

Tiff.

It's like this.

Max?

What's going on?

Uh, nothing, sister. I was just, uh... Hey, wait a minute.

I've never seen you here before. How do you know my name?

Well, I had this vision last night, and there were angels singing and people

dancing.

What the hell is it looking for me, all right?

Father Goose?

So what's hitting priest?

I'm not even a priest.

You're not a priest?

Long story, Max.

Does this mean I'm going to hell after all? How should I know? Ask a priest.

Oh, damn. I was just going to tell her my secret.

Your nun friend, cute little blonde, great Winnebago's?

Yeah, why?

Think she's trying to pull something over on you, friend? You're telling me.

I saw her talking to this guy on a walkie -talkie yesterday.

She's getting ready to bag your marble.

You're lying.

Tiff loves me. She would never do something like that to me.

Look, I'm just trying to help you out. Anyway, what is the fastest way out of

here?

Probably run.

Your wound?

My thyroid is flaring up again.

That's not where your thyroid is. It's where mine is. They had to move it.

Wait a minute.

All

right,

Your Holiness. We'll make preparations right away.

Well?

He wants to visit some parishes, mingle with the common folk.

What on earth for?

Oh, you know, the people's pope and all that.

So what do we do?

We visit some parishes.

So what's the story? You giving up on Monica or what? What happened to this

grand plan of yours, huh? Phase two was a smashing success.

Now it's time for phase three.

Which is?

All I have to do is go in there and de -hypnotize her.

If you two banana heads play your cards right, I might do you a favor in the

bargain. Oh, really?

Two of Monica's friends are having some serious doubts.

You guys come in there with me, and you turn those doubts into dates.

None. No.

Wait.

Pino, wake up. Hey, check it out, check it out, check it out.

Dude.

Come on, let's go. Come on.

Pino!

As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.

Amen.

Sure. Oh, amen.

What are you thinking about?

Oh, God, heaven, guardian angel, the usual stuff.

Good for you, Sherry.

I've been playing this alarm for one hour now, okay?

thinking about Mel Gibson.

I lied about it. Sherry, take it easy. It's perfectly normal, really.

I don't know.

Sherry, it is perfectly normal.

Why, just a while ago, I was thinking I was going to go on.

You were?

Mm -hmm.

So if you get any luck, we'll just say a bunch of Hail Mary's till it passes.

Works for me.

Thanks, Monica.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

I do not believe this, Comiskey. This is utterly loony tune.

Cool your jets, Elmer Fudd.

Everything's going to be just fine.

I don't know. I kind of like it. Let's go.

Hiya, Maxie.

Hiya, Mr. Quakehorn.

That's not Mr.

Quake.

Get him!

This is the Holy Ghost speaking.

I have a message for you.

You have made a big mistake.

I repeat, a big mistake.

When I snap my fingers, you will wake up and you will no longer have any desire

to be a nun.

Do you understand, Monica?

Mm -hmm.

Good.

And you'll still crave Jerry Kaminsky's body, but not until later when I say so.

One, two, three.

Hi, Jer.

What are you doing in a funky outfit like that?

And what did Who the hell am I?

Gary, what is going on here?

Take it easy, babe. He just ran off and joined a convent. No big deal.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no.

Hello, sisters.

What's going on?

Ta -da!

Girls, relax.

They're perfectly harmless.

Thanks a lot.

So, I hear you girls are having a couple doubts.

I don't believe this. If Sister Flavia walks in the door, we're dead.

So, we can have a good time until then, right?

We're not allowed to have fun.

Wait a minute, hold it.

Think about this.

Three guys dressed in habits walk into our room while we're sleeping and try to

pick us up. That's too weird, right?

No kidding.

Okay, so that can mean only one thing. We're dreaming.

Dreaming? Yeah!

And if we're dreaming, we can do whatever we want. And who's gonna know?

Sounds good to me.

Let's party! Alright!

Yes!

Now what?

I'm calling Cleekhorn. You stay here and watch the place!

There's a monastic life a hard habit to break

Rowena?

Yeah? Have you seen our friend Max lately?

I told you, I'm working on it. Oh, really?

Then you must know he tried to get away.

What? He tried to escape, but luckily we chased him back into the convent. But

you must find him fast, or Kleehorn's going to roast our gooseberries.

I'm on it.

Aren't you going to find him?

Yes. Out and in.

Right. Over and out.

Holy shitskies.

All right.

Attention all morons.

Because of a certain pair of incompetent horse heads, The man is to tip off

Moonless that we found him. I am forced to invade this house of religious honor

to get him.

Is there any questions?

If you raise a dump, so help me, I'll bite it off.

You guys are not going to believe what I found in the hallway.

Wow.

Do you know what this means?

Oh, my God.

What? They're fake. I mean, why would diamonds be hanging around the Hall of

Condor? Thank you, guys. Come on. We could wake up any minute here.

You're right.

Stop. It's not too complicated for your brains to understand. I want you to find

the phone lines and cut them.

All right. You go round everybody up. Right.

I want to snoop around a little bit.

Jane Russell's picture. You know, this seems awfully real for a dream.

Oh, come on. You're dancing in a limbo with three guys and a half. How real

could that be?

Well, I guess you're right.

Hold it! Max told me he used to be involved with jewel thieves.

So? So maybe those diamonds were real.

We've got to get him back.

Who's Max?

if it ain't Sister Mary Airhead.

Look, I've done everything you told me to do. You stupid little bimbo. You

screwed up and I'm pissed off.

I am not a bimbo, Lyle. Hey, I tell you what you are and what you aren't. Now

you better find moolahs fast or you're going to be one dead bimbo.

Get! I said get!

What the hell is going on here?

You were a bad boy, my friend.

I thought you were out of the Hot Rocks business. I am. I just kept this one

little vest because it's the only way I could pay for my law school.

Look, my mama needs an operation real bad.

Max! It's the truth. What could be keeping him?

I hope he's all right.

What's going on here?

Look,

I can't be talking with you right now. They found me. They're here. They're

going to chop me up for bug food. Who is?

The guys I work for. Now, if they get a hold of these stones, they're just gonna

sell them for drugs again. Now, go away. Please?

Here.

Hey, you're none.

Hey. You see Max Morlitzer out? Hey, hey. You ain't no none.

Yes, I am.

Bullshit. You're a guy.

Shows what you know. We're co -ed now.

What kind of place is this? Hey.

Hey, what do you got me on your back?

Nothing. Let me see.

Let me see the other one.

Let me see. Let me see.

Both of them.

Get back here,

whoever you are.

All right, you peeps.

What the hell's going on in here?

Yes, what the hell is going on in here? Oh, my God.

Oh, God, I knew it was going to happen.

Now we're going to be executed.

Get a hold of yourself.

What do you got now, homos and habits?

That's what I'd like to know.

You see, sister, we were just... Never mind.

The rest of you get on over there with them. Come on.

Come on.

Now.

Who knows where Mac Moolish is?

Nuts!

Geez, that was a tough - Check.

Dope. Get that guy. Cut the stone.

Huh? You idiot.

Go after him. Oh.

Maxie.

Max.

Come on.

I know you're out here somewhere.

Max.

What the hell are you doing?

What does it look like?

Max.

Where are the diamonds?

I don't know. Even if I did, I wouldn't tell you.

I was just doing my job. Don't take it personally.

You're just using me. I really liked you a lot, and I thought you liked me.

I do like you, Maxie.

Come on.

Just tell me where the diamonds are.

I told you, I don't know. I gave them to some guy in a nun suit.

All right.

Let's go.

Come on, Maxie. I don't want to have to use this. No good.

Go ahead and shoot me. I don't have anything to live for anyway.

Sir, obviously we don't know where Max is. You might as well let us go. We stay

here until somebody talks.

Well, what do you want him for anyway?

He's our force for bridge.

None of your business!

We're wasting time.

And as for you three, you have some explaining to do.

You know what? I don't like this team anymore. Me either. It's too real.

Let's pinch ourselves and wake up. No, you don't need to do that. Why not?

Because the best part is yet to come. Which part?

The, uh, the Spanish fly part.

What? I told you people to stop the yik -yakin'.

I don't know where Max Moolish is.

But I'm sure if we put our heads together, we can come up with something.

Kind of cute for a nun, aren't you?

Naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty.

You are a very, very naughty boy.

You are very, very, very sleepy.

Your eyelids are very, very...

Nice try, sweet cake. Now get over there and shut up.

What are you looking at?

Come on, Maxie, please.

I'm in deep enough doo -doo as it is. If I don't take you to Lyle, he's going to

kill me.

Good. I serve you right.

I can't pretend any longer.

It's true.

I hate Lyle.

It's you I want, Maxie. I adore you.

I didn't want it to happen, but I couldn't help myself.

Huh?

Let's run away.

You and me.

We can leave town and move to Alaska, where Lyle could never find us.

You could go to law school, and I could stay home and bake gingers now.

You're making it up.

No, I swear, Maxie. Oh, come on. We gotta hurry.

You really mean it?

Cross my heart and hope to die. Well, how do I know for sure?

Nothing's happening.

Maybe you're only dreaming that you're dreaming. Yeah, maybe you're not even

sleeping at all. Maybe you're in a movie.

Girls, look, you might as well know we're not dreaming. This is all very

You mean there's a real gun that guy has?

And these guys really snuck into our room? And we danced with them?

Oh, my God.

You disgust me. How dare you try to pick up a nun?

You should be ashamed, you pervert.

Hey,

whoa, whoa, whoa.

Dude, I think you're in the wrong movie. What did you say?

Oh.

Are you alright?

I'm sorry, you guys.

Oh, by the way, which way to Burbank?

I think it's over this way. You know, Bruce, you really, really, really should

do lunch sometime.

I'll have my girl. Call your girl.

Seasons change, don't you ever? Later do.

You know something?

You look awfully familiar to me.

Will you sit down, please?

I know I've seen you someplace before.

Stuart McGriff!

Huh?

Sixth grade.

St. Jude Elementary.

Sister... Flavia!

You little devil.

I knew you'd come to no good.

Now, wait a minute. I haven't met your little friend yet!

How dare you bring a gun in here? Wait till your mother hears about this.

What is this place?

The convent of the Blessed Virgin.

Let's go in.

With all due respect, Your Holiness, we've already visited four parishes

and it's getting rather late.

Come, come. It's never too late for God's work.

hell are you? Never mind, who are you?

Police! That guy's a wanted jewel thief!

What? Grab him, quick!

Wait a minute, he's no cop!

And you're no priest!

Jesus, the thief has to see his badge!

What the devil? Aye, nobody moves!

You two guys, with the gun, drop him, or this guy gets it!

My good man, do you know who that is?

Oh, God.

No, but you're close.

Some rabbi. For what?

He's not a rabbi. He's the Holy Father, the Pope.

Get out of here.

If he's the Pope, how come he's wearing a yarmulke?

That's not a yarmulke.

Oh, yeah? Then what is it?

It's the papal beanie.

Holy shit.

I'm sorry.

The lordship, the pompship, the pompworship.

Quite all right.

What, Adam?

Rampart?

How does this thing work?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Let's be reasonable here.

Dance, suckers.

Please! Let's go, let's dance! Let's get out of here!

I just think we were having jobs.

I'd forgotten what scum they are.

Dude? I think we need to reexamine our approach to women.

I'm out of here.

What?

All right.

Here's the deal.

Walk up real nice and smooth, Mike.

And give me those rocks.

Everybody else, don't move.

Let's go.

Chop, chop.

Come on, come on.

Lyle, look who I found.

Rowena, can't you see I'm tied up here?

I thought you wanted Moolish.

I don't care about Moolish. The stone's in here, you stupid bimbo.

Lyle, I told you I'm not a bimbo. Shut up, you bimbo.

No, you shut up.

What are you doing? I've taken your poppycock long enough. I love Max, and

going away together.

Oh, Tiff.

It's Rowena, honey.

Oh, Rowena.

What? Everybody's going cuckoo around here. Drop your gun and let go of that

rabbi. No way.

Did you get him, boss?

Whoop. Guess not.

Reno, grab Rowena. She's throwing it against us.

Huh? Just do it.

Guess you better drop it.

I mean, make my day.

Okay, just drop the stones on the ground.

Move, move, move!

Hey, hey!

Ah,

come on!

Give me my rock!

Are you all right, sir? Yes, yes, I think so.

You're a very brave young priest.

It was least I could do for my main holy man.

Here you go.

Exhibit X.

You men are very lucky.

Very lucky. That's the Klieghorn gang.

We've been after them for months.

Well, you know, we had a little help from...

I'll testify for you, Max.

You!

You have a lot of nerve coming back here, you phony baloney.

Father Goose, indeed.

And I bet all the rest of these imposters are friends of yours, too.

Don't be angry, sister.

He's actually a fine young man.

Who's this bozo?

Really, sister, this is the Holy Father.

Oh, well, isn't that nice?

Holy Father, indeed.

Well, it isn't often we get a visit from the Pope these days.

Well, Pope this.

What do you think I am, some kind of an idiot?

The only thing holy about you is your underwear.

I'm sorry, Your Holiness. I had no idea she was demented.

Let go of me. Let go of me. Are you all right?

Yes, yes.

Well, my son, you saved my life.

I would like to do something for you.

Oh, it's not necessary for you to do anything. Nonsense.

One kind act deserves another.

I don't know if there's anything you could do for me. Come now. I know

something I could do for an outstanding young priest like yourself.

Maybe there's one thing.

It's Jerry.

Jerry.

I thought you'd understand When I laid you by the hand

That I'd never make you go Unless you wanted to

Come on now I'm the guy who'll show you what it's all

about All I've got to know Why'd you have to go?

What you have to know.

What you have to know.

You were gonna make me cry.

You were gonna make me wonder why.

You were gonna make me think about the times you lied.

You

why'd you have to go why'd you have to go

why'd you have to go why'd you have to go