Original subtitles

Wait. Girl, girl, now you listening?

Now, girl, here is where our nation's leaders take mommy's and daddy's tax

dollars and turn them into machines of global destruction.

Buongiorno, Admiral.

With this new state -of -the -art doming device, any torpedo that misses its

target will automatically turn around.

and head for home base as fast as he can.

Perhaps you'd like to examine the schematic.

I'll take it.

Hi, how you doing? Nice to see you. Great to know you're good to meet you.

you're on a submarine. You've been at sea for six long, boring, cramped

locked up with the same stinkin', smellin' guys, when all of a sudden, all

can think about is that you're surrounded by water. Everything is

you from all sides. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you

gonna do? I'll tell you what you're gonna do. It's the new imaging room

Yes, it's over 101 beautiful scenic vistas. Yes, picture -perfect panoramas

that'll make claustrophobia a word of the past. I'm telling you, with these

beautiful babies on board, you'll never have to worry about anything. In fact...

There's just no reason to ever bring the boys back home again.

Did I happen to mention our rebate plan?

I'll take it.

What? The Secretary of Defense sounds upset.

He wants to talk to you about the stamp.

Malice. Sub -grillion.

I'm a real cash cow. Would you care to sacrifice a statement, please?

Hey, man, don't go away, man. Just go away, man.

Curb your dog.

Let's go.

Does the silver medal go above the bronze?

Today, we are going to be talking about the USS Standard, the new stealth

submarine. It's over budget.

Can you say over budget?

Over budget? I knew that you could.

Admiral Malice, since you are in charge of the new stealth submarine program,

I guess these next words are for you.

Ready?

The president wants the standard in the water in one

week.

Secretary, Mr. Neighbor, my contractors assure me that with only 2

.5 billion more dollars, we can have the standard ready, say, by next spring.

Can you say one week?

One week.

I knew that you could.

One week?

One week.

Mr. Wedgwood is not going to like this.

Mr. Wedgwood.

Sir.

We've got a problem, sir.

You know what the problem is with the world today, Prudhoe?

What's that, Mr. Wedgwood, sir?

There just aren't enough wars.

Wars get things going.

So what the Cold War did for industry, now that that's over, just another

war. I could make another fortune.

They want the standard in the water.

Well, in one week, sir.

I thought you were going to take care of us if necessary delays.

I tried to explain.

You see, they just...

Nor did they understand what the nation's defense is about.

They were completely unmoved.

The U .S.

substandard will be in the water in a week.

Of course, under the circumstances, we'll have to cut a few corners

here and there.

I've been in tense situations before.

I was captain of the football team.

I always came through.

But now, I don't know. I'm not eating. I'm not sleeping.

It all started that day.

My first real assignment.

Commanding the USS Bongo. Everything was going great.

We're headed right for shore!

Maybe not exactly great.

We're going to hit it!

We're going to hit it! Give us an order, sir!

Sir, anything at all?

Law to balance.

Sir, law to balance.

Sounds like an order to me.

I don't know, Doc.

The whole experience left me paralyzed.

Ever since then, my life's been a shambles. I can't concentrate, nerves

shot.

I've got these feelings.

Nothing more than feelings.

Trying hard to forget these feelings.

Hit the floor, mama's boy, and give me 50!

What?

Yes, sir.

You are one poor excuse for a commander, Banner. I'm lucky to be a Navy man,

sir. Lucky?

I call it divine intervention.

Sit up.

Yes, sir.

One. My count.

One. What is it with you, Banner? What in the hell makes you think you should

in charge of anything?

I'm a people person, sir.

Squat thrust.

Double time.

Well, we know why you get all weak -kneed like some piss -soaked chihuahua

time this man's navy gives you command of anything.

Don't we, Banner?

Yes, sir, we do, sir.

Ten hut!

Shoulders back, stomach in, chin down!

Need I mention the real reasons you can't eat and the real

reasons you can't sleep?

No, you don't need to mention it. What kind of Navy man is afraid of situations

where the feeling is too... What?

I don't know, sir, but I'll get to the bottom of it.

You're already at the bottom, Banner. So, what do you have to say to that, Mr.

Weenie Man?

Well, we seem to be getting somewhere. Same time tomorrow, Sergeant?

Aye, sir.

Banner, congratulations.

Your orders have been cut.

My orders, sir?

Your orders, son.

You have been chosen to command the U .S.

substandard.

Do you think I'm ready for that, sir?

You're not going to let a little thing like beaching a sub slow down a fast

-track career like yours, are you, son?

It was a big thing.

It was big subs.

Smile.

Smile!

Get him.

Moe, whatever the sacrifice, get that stuff in the water. Yes, sir. And then I

want you to send me to the worst crew ever. Yes, sir. I want the drinks, the

loonies, the dropouts, the burnouts, the lowest and lowest scum of the earth.

And, Moe? Yes, sir.

I want you on that crew.

You'll be my eyes. You'll be my ears. Of course, it'll be your ass.

Yes, sir.

One week, sir.

I'll be your eyes.

I'll be your ears.

It'll be my ass.

I can't believe this.

We're short on materials, manpower, and now this?

Are you absolutely positively sure these are all the plans they sent?

Yep. And you're absolutely positively sure they want it in the water in a

Yep. Well, what are we supposed to do with the rest of it?

I don't know, boss.

All I know, we got a whole size 57 Chevy right about, right about here.

Get out of here!

All right!

157 Chevy.

Coming right up. Let's hustle.

Get it inside. Let's go.

Give me a

beer. Would that be as in

root, ginger, or malt?

Malt. Vanilla, strawberry, or chocolate?

Good. Chocolate.

Thanks.

Hey! Look who's here!

It's Biff! Hey, Biff!

Biff, come on. One more time, please. Oh, we got it. We got it. The old arm.

Come on.

The old torpedo. Just one.

You guys.

Simple human mistake. Mistake? I must have taught you something after all.

You taught me to stay the hell away from teachers like you. That's him.

Not so fast.

Yeah.

In fact, you're the reason that the academy had lost one of the...

ever had.

Oh, yeah?

It pleases me to know my humble efforts so vastly improved the quality of

education at the academy.

Get me out of here.

for military intelligence.

You sure? He said banner and didn't say get me a hammer?

Wow.

Very impressive.

Moving on.

We're here. I know.

Okay. Follow me.

You guys are going to take orders?

Looking very good there.

Very good. Straight ahead.

Getting a little creased.

Okay. Coming through, guys.

Okay.

Okay. Getting in there.

Okay. Coming.

Coming down.

The sun is going to be up in 20 minutes. I don't want anyone to be seeing this

submarine in the daylight.

Do you understand?

Yes, sir.

Big night for you, my boy. Better get underway.

Come on, Malice. Considering the long delays and ridiculous cost overruns with

the project, don't you think it's just a wee bit too evident?

These gentlemen are going to score two to the press briefing.

That's a four -star general. Shook my hand.

Hey,

guys, the hatch is over here. Hey, hey, hey, hey, what are you doing with my

pants? That's not my crew.

There's only ten minutes to launch. Sir!

Your crew's already on board. Certainly. How about if we go where those guys are

going? Let me help you, sir.

That was fast.

Yep. Whoa.

A ring. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

I'm Ensign Skiff, sir.

12 years Davel Academy, sir. I almost graduated last year, sir.

Well, you keep on trying.

At ease.

At ease.

Very good order, sir. Very nice.

Gosh almighty. I am so glad to see you made it on board safely, Captain, sir.

You need these hats. That's great.

You'll get the bill later.

I think the bill's big enough already.

Yes, sir.

Your crew awaits you, sir.

Good.

Come around this way, sir. No, I've tried.

Why don't we try straight ahead? Where? Straight ahead.

Watch yourself, sir.

Good choice, sir. Very nice. I am so sorry, sir. I am so sorry. Things are

a little bit cramped in here.

You mean... Camped.

Very camped.

Camped.

Probably me. Probably just me.

Aha.

Are these the first officers?

They are our only officers, sir.

Well, these might be a little dressy then.

Ah, okay.

This is our navigator, Captain.

Officer Randy McNally, 12 years, tactical navigation, sir.

Cabby, New York, rush hour.

Great. Combat experience.

What battles have you fought in? Battle of the Bowery, Battle of the Crooked

Straits, and the week -long Grateful Dead concert at the Garden.

All right, moving on.

You're really in good shape there.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. This is Officer Quisby, sir. And what's your

expertise, sailor? I know that. I know the answer to that.

Just, uh...

Give me a second.

He's a communication specialist. Communication specialist.

I said it first. I knew that.

Communication specialist. He said it first. I said it first. I did. At any

we'll be communicating a lot, I'm sure.

What do you mean? What does he mean? Is this like a test?

I mean, I know everything I'm supposed to and everything.

Sure. It's just that tests make me a little... Nervous.

No.

Sweaty. None of the above.

Tense.

Tense? Hey, hey.

Then no tests.

No tests? No tests.

This is Officer Sonar, sir.

You must be our sonar expert.

Am I right about that? Your mother must be so proud of you.

Sir,

this is Turbo. He is our chief engineer, and he has worked on every kind of

vehicle in the Navy, sir.

Ah, good, good. So you're used to working on sophisticated, complex

then? No problem, sir.

Ever worked on a nuclear sub before, Turbo?

Well, sir, yeah.

Seen one, you've seen them all, sir.

You ever seen one?

I can't say that I have, sir.

And this is Officer Applesir. He's our computer expert. Four years grade

four years at MIT.

Oh, well, this is going to be a real learning experience for you then, huh?

I hardly think so.

I've already made my... all the operation manuals and all the specs and

codes and all the directives and all the diagrams and all the descriptions.

Wonderful.

Thank you so much.

Yes, sir.

Well, this is our special observer assigned by Secretary Naber himself,

her class in Navy Academy, expert in naval protocol, two years active duty on

submarines, sir. Great.

All right.

This is more like it.

I'll handle this.

Yes, sir.

What are you doing here?

Special observation assignment.

Hmm.

Observing what?

You. Oh.

Every move you make, every regulation you break, I'll be watching you.

I've heard that tune before.

Everything will go on my report to secretary neighbors.

Big deal. I'm scared. I'm terrified.

I'm chicken fried.

Ah, Captain. I'm saturated in fat. Your crew. I'm bowling at 300.

Attention.

Attention.

Prepare to launch.

I got a banana.

Lunch!

Lunch.

Let me get this straight.

You think that I've wiggled my way onto this thing just to crotch you off guard

and get your job, is that it?

Bingo, and I bet you thought you could lick me, huh?

Any time, any place.

But you're going down all in your old buddy.

Face it, baby, you're going to blow it. What's hard for you to swallow is that

I'm the head honcho around here and I get to give all the big commands.

honcho. Oh, he will never change.

He has been trying to undermine me since the day I met him.

She hates when I have the last word. Always asks.

She wants my job and she can't have it.

You know what you are? Here it comes.

You're a hard -headed, insensitive, overblown incompetent.

Overblown.

Just stay away from me, Michael. It'll be my pleasure, Captain.

Your order, sir?

Commence launch countdown.

Very good order, sir. Very nice.

Commence launch countdown.

Be happy to, Captain.

We'll start at ten.

Just because everybody else does. There's nobody here.

Very observant, sir.

Hold it, hold it.

Can you hold it on for a second? Because nobody's here now.

Water pressure, a lot.

Oil pressure, so sick.

Electrical system, hold it.

Computer system, down.

Safety system, down.

Quickly, please.

Everybody just... Eight, seven, three, two...

Boy They

wait

Apple

ready the ballast tanks for dive conditions Yes, sir.

Sonar, let me know if anything comes in the neighborhood.

Bisbee, switch off the radio. Silent running.

Great.

Up periscope.

Wait a minute.

What's going on here?

Hey! What the hell's going on?

Huh?

Everybody, go.

Go. Like that. Like that. Hey.

Turbo.

Turbo.

Easy.

Easy.

What did you see, Captain?

Nothing.

The lens caps, huh? Ah, I'll make a note of that.

Good.

When will we be rid of the standard for good?

We're going to put it through a few tests.

That ought to do it.

I'll be controlling the standard personally from short. You don't have

to worry about, Mr. Westwood.

I'll say to it, I don't like to be disappointed.

May we drop you anywhere, Admiral?

You know, that is really very nice of you, sir.

Good. And why don't we drop you right here?

The White House, James.

And tell the President not to be late.

Captain's lock. Subdate Thursday.

I, Biff Banner, am in complete command of the standard.

Everything is running smoothly, except for Michael's. Little Miss Perfect.

Little Miss I'm -Gonna -Write -Every -Little -Thing -Down -In -My -Report.

I think once I even thought she was cute. Oh, boy, live and learn, Biffo.

of all people, called you overblown.

Overblown!

That's what she said. Can you believe it?

Right. Malice calling mole.

Malice calling mole.

Breaker, breaker, bronco buster, bronco buster, breaker, breaker.

Break wind.

Sir, operation what, sir? Break wind. Sir, I can't hear.

Break wind.

Break what, sir?

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

You'll be proud of me, sir.

This is the mole.

I am over, and I am out.

How'd you bet? I bet the sub would survive 12 hours, the captain 10.

That bungo buzzo, he'll live five hours. Get out of here.

Dutch boy. Dutch boy.

Dutch boy.

Nope. The men are eager.

Lunch, lunch. I mean, it sounds similar, but...

What's this?

Imaging room.

Welcome to the imaging room.

Capable of simulating over 100 beautiful scenic environments for your

recreational pleasure. As you were.

Wait a minute.

Welcome to the imaging room.

Oh, never mind.

Coming in.

Coming out. Coming out.

You can't fool me, Michaels.

I know why you wanted to come on this mission.

Get it through your skull, Banner. I was assigned to this missionary position

and now I'm sorry I was.

The only thing you're sorry about is that you're not on top.

Is that so?

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

So, come on, let's quit this chit -chat. You and I both know you always wanted

to sit on the helm of a big submersible projectile like this one.

Deck three, impressed feelings and sexual annoyance.

If it's got a rudder on it, I can drive it. Sir, this isn't S .O .P. or S .O .D.

U .S .O .B. Get me the stand. Aye, sir. I have the con.

Out.

Sparks, patch me in.

Excuse me, sir. Would you like to join us for orientation briefing?

Yes, sir.

Ah.

Orientation briefing.

And I'll be brief because testing procedures begin at 0800 hours.

All right. Just a few things about the standard.

Page 107.

The stealth device is a system of sonic dispersions using cetacean imitating

patterns to... Cetacea what? Ask me. Sorry, sir.

Cetacean, a whale, Skiff. Everyone will just think we're a big whale. Ooh,

neato.

Perhaps the captain would like to fill us in on some of the more technical

aspects of this.

Sure.

Well, it's sort of just... It's really...

It's all in here.

Ha -ha! Turbo!

Just in time.

Would you like to give us some of the technical aspects of the standard

She's big.

She's big.

Great.

I'll look that up.

Quisby. Yes, sir? Quisby, can you communicate to us just some of the basic

objectives of this mission?

Is this a...

Is this multiple choice?

I don't know. Is it a multiple choice question? I have no idea.

The objective of this mission is to... Quiet, quiet, please.

Sonar.

Is it too late to apply for a transfer?

Yeah, let's look into that. Some of the others might be interested in that, too.

This is Admiral Malice calling a standard.

Switch to base control.

Surprise. Good. Switching to base control.

I get to say that. Officer Apple, switch to base control.

Yes, sir.

Wait.

As captain, I am complete control.

Easy come, easy go, huh, Captain?

long time, Celia.

But they say there's two things you never forget.

One of them is riding a bicycle and I forget what the other one is.

Prepare for the loop -de -loop.

So long, suckers.

a problem.

Hang on.

Captain, the stabilizers are bending.

Sir,

are you reading me up there? There's a lot going on down here. Are we having

yet?

Okay, hold it.

Crispy, you got that? All right. Come on up.

Help him here. We need to come alive. Come on. Come on. Come on up.

Purple,

hang on. I'm coming down.

Yes, sir.

Come on down.

Yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Captain, Captain. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Going down there.

You coming down, sir?

Come down again.

Yes, sir. Clear to come down again, sir.

Captain, why don't we use the stairs?

Come down again on the stairs.

Yes, sir. Coming down again on the stairs.

All right.

All right. Come on.

Crispy, grab that pole.

Push, push.

How did he do that?

So,

like, what does a guy have to

do to get a little attention around here?

But that was just all luck.

Second of all, you left the bridge to help the crew.

But you left the bridge.

Are you following this? Not at all, sir.

And third of all... Gentlemen, there's been a change of plans.

Prepare for the abyss.

He's sending us into the abyss? The abyss? The abyss.

Sir, no sub has ever survived the abyss.

What do you have to say about that?

Admiral Malice is our chief of staff.

If he wants to send us into the abyss, it is our duty to go into the abyss.

He just wants to see if I can take it.

Here.

I'm ready.

100 fathoms.

All right.

150 fathoms.

Turn the pump.

Deeper. Deeper.

450 fathoms.

A pattern to take.

600 fathoms.

Hold on.

Silly question, Bing.

How deep can this thing go?

See that needle? If that gets in the red, we're done for.

Hold that up.

800 bathams passing the mile mark, sir. The hull can't hold this water pressure,

sir.

Is he water? No, sir. He said water.

Ah.

Well, fine on the under pressure.

Ever see Christ the Marine?

It's not a pretty sight.

A little bridge like this.

He'd get really cramped.

See?

Cramped. No, sir. No, sir. He said ramped. You know, ramped.

I know ramped. He said cramped.

Cramped.

Cramped, yeah.

That's what I thought he said.

Snap out of it!

In case you didn't know, this man's got a thing about water and cramped spaces.

Sir!

Sir! Are you okay? Sir!

Beth! You better give us an order, honey.

Mr. Wedgwood.

I see.

But I don't want you to worry, Mr. Wedgwood, sir.

The standard will go down.

I'll see to it.

Must I do everything myself?

Mr. Wedgwood, sir? Are you playing with your buttons, sir?

The satellite will fall in Soviet waters.

You will see to it that the standard is sent to retrieve it.

Soviet waters?

But that satellite has got a nuclear bomb on it.

Precisely. And the standard will be destroyed.

And I'll get my delicious little war.

And your stations.

Set heading for 197.

We're going home.

Wait a minute.

Nobody's here.

I told them to stay here.

Guys, guys, I think that you'd better come out here.

Here they are, sir.

Fall in! At attention!

In all my years, I have never seen

a crew that could equal the incompetence of this one.

At least this is only a training mission.

Why, I wouldn't take a walk across the street with a bunch like this, much less

go on a real mission with them.

What is it? It's our real mission, sir.

Admiral Malice has ordered us to secretly enter Soviet waters, retrieve

American satellite, and disarm the nuclear bomb it is carrying, sir.

Right now?

Well, sometime in the next hour would be good.

We're going home.

Excuse me, sir, but if Admiral Malice, our chief of staff, asks us to retrieve

fallen satellite, then isn't it our duty to retrieve the fallen satellite,

sir?

Yes.

Well, this changes things.

I guess we're all in this together. Hey, gang?

Have you seen Captain Banner lately?

Captain Banner lately?

Oh, he's in there.

Oh, hey. Have you seen the bridge lately?

Up there.

Up there.

Hey, I can use that.

It's probably me.

Probably just me.

Welcome to the imaging room.

Capable of... Simulating over 100 beautiful scenic environments for your

recreational pleasure.

Wow.

Captain.

Skip. Welcome.

Go in peace.

Right, sir. Right, sir. I really think that you should take a look at this,

I must not disturb thy perfect focus.

Oh, right, sir. Right, sir. Absolutely, sir. I'll tell you what.

You finish your putt, and when you're done, we'll go back to the bridge.

Fair enough. Okay, I'll just stand over here.

I'll just be right over here, sir.

Right over here.

Settled? Yes.

Fine, sir. Good.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Sir,

you ever notice how loud things are when you're trying to be quiet?

You ever notice how loud breathing is when you're trying to be quiet? I won't

that anymore. I won't even breathe. I'm going to hold my breath for you, sir.

Take it.

Ow! Sorry.

Sorry. There, sir.

You see, I just screw things up.

Sure, I was the star quarterback.

Object of endless adulation.

But it's all behind me now.

Ah, I'm retired now.

And, oh, goodness gracious, Soviet satellite nuclear bomb.

Top break. Whoa,

watch it. Excuse me.

Sir, sir, you are the one person in the entire world that can unite this crew.

Get us to the satellite and disarm the bomb in time.

Curious, that, yes.

But, sir, but, sir, I believe, I believe that if you believed in yourself, then

everybody would believe in you, and then everybody could believe in each other.

I'd like to believe that, but then I would have to figure out what you just

said.

And what is the likelihood that this bomb would go off?

It's an automatic timer for two hours after touchdown.

I think I'll be a friend today.

And tell the Soviets all about this.

I think that we can all agree here that that could land us in the doo -doo.

Now, Mr. Secretary, Mr. Neighbor, forget this perestroika stuff.

Look at it this way.

Suppose a Soviet military secret spy satellite were to splash

down in our waters, full of that Soviet secret equipment.

Now, would we believe them if they told us that it had a nuclear device on it?

It's a tricky day.

Ticky day.

The Pentagon.

So, gang, if we really work together as a team, everything will be fine.

Everything

is

going to be just fine.

You'll be proud of me, sir.

I won't let you down.

I'm getting something on the screen.

There's a signal.

I'm not sure it is a big signal.

An American submarine has entered our waters.

So we try peace, but they don't want it. Oh, oh, comrade.

It is the substandard.

The substandard.

It is paramount we deploy the pink November.

Do you hear anything?

Captain, I think I hear singing.

Curious. Captain, we have located the substandard.

Excellent. Where?

Here.

The hunt is on, comrade.

You know what I think got me?

All that business about the American stealth bomber.

All is just big smokescreen. Who would spend so much money on something

so stupid?

The stealth bomber is just to cover up what they really do.

Which is?

They're a stealth submarine.

They're substandard?

I haven't got a goose. Oh, me too.

Uh -oh.

Oh, boy.

Oh, no.

Sir,

a Soviet sub is pursuing the substandard.

Holy torpedo, Admiral. It's the pink November.

Pink November?

Darn, I guess this ends the secret part of the mission. I better call up the

sixth fleet. And then order them to protect the standard against any hostile

actions.

Even if it means destroying the pink November.

Look, comrade, an American armada is descending the fall now.

Yeah?

Well, let's just...

Let's see what they think about this.

Look, Admiral, a Soviet platoon is zeroing in on the thick fleet.

Oh, yeah?

Well, let's see what they think about this.

being followed. By what? Submarine. What kind of submarine?

Soviet.

Not the pink November.

Right.

Engage stealth device.

Oh, boy.

Disappeared.

Disappeared? All I'm getting is a whale, huh? A whale?

This is the biggest whale I've ever seen.

You're mine.

Mine.

Fire harpoon number three. We're being followed.

Followed by what?

A boat.

And the stealth device is engaged? Yeah, affirmative.

What kind of a boat is that?

What is it? It's a harpoon, sir.

Why? Well, perhaps somebody thinks we're just a big whale, sir. Why?

Fire again.

Disengage the stealth device. Permitted.

Torpedo room. Fire torpedo number one.

Goodbye, substandard.

Meat?

Wait, Dave! What a fish!

Fire again!

Cover! Turn off the damn stealth device!

Let it in.

Captain, because that's where you belong.

Says who, buckaroo?

with me or not.

Fire torpedo number 10.

I was shooting great.

It was fun.

I was having a great time.

And you're always saying you're the captain. So why don't you be the

All right, you want to see captain? I'll show you captain.

See, I'm on a roll.

You're certainly on something. Yeah.

Thank you. You're right. The land of the throne.

Yeah.

Now, is this enough, Captain, for you?

Swap the deck. Raise the anchor. Make the coffee. Captain.

I made it. We are heading into an ice flow, sir.

What? An ice flow. Dead ahead. The pink November is closing in.

We're doomed.

Mustn't say doomed. Mustn't.

No.

Where is this ice low?

Dead ahead.

Where is this pink November?

Oh, it's close.

See, that's really close. Sir, do you think just this once we can make a hasty

decision? Well, I'm...

Torpedo number 12.

15 seconds.

Impact.

The standard is no more.

True, doesn't it, sir?

which is this, reading the satellite at only 100 yards off starboard.

It has to be diffused.

Absolutely. Captain, the bomb on the satellite is set to go off in 13

44 seconds.

You could take the mini -sub, you could go to the satellite, you could crawl in

and you could diffuse it.

Well, yeah, but the mini -sub's kind of sort of tamped.

No, it's cramped.

And besides, it's surrounded by a lot of otter.

Water.

So, uh, I think you should just take it from here, okay? No, Biff, Biff, this is

a perfect opportunity for you to overcome all your phobias. It'll be

it'll be neat.

No. No, it won't.

It's time for you to be captain, and here's your chance. Go for it. Oh, fine.

Be that way. You want to see captain? I'll show you captain.

I really appreciate this, Michael.

Oh, man.

Lots of otter in here.

He's doing just fine.

Haven't I... Haven't we... Yes, sir. The name's Mole.

Mole? The Mole.

You mean... Exactly.

And all this time you were actually... Precisely.

Okay.

What's this?

The bomb.

The bomb?

Nuclear bomb, sir. Yes.

Excuse me.

I'm going to drink it.

Don't mind me.

Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to cease and desist disarming that bomb,

Captain. I'm sorry, I'm not taking any requests right now.

He's doing fine, just fine.

Right, right.

This bomb cannot be

disarmed. No way, no how, no matter what you do, so there.

Another fine mess the armed dealers at Wedgwood Research and Technology have

gotten you into.

This makes my work almost impossible.

Look, Mole, this job.

I hate to break it to you, but there's not a lot of future in this.

Great job, sir. Navy job. The hours are... Sir, no, no. Okay, sir. Sir, the

whole Pentagon is watching you. Really?

I'm a free agent.

Free? I can't, Mole.

All right.

Here I go.

Sir, you did it. Do you realize what you just did? No, why?

You overcame your phobias. I did?

Water. Water.

I made it through.

Cramps faces the mini sun.

Captain, you'll be proud to hear that we've taken care of things on our end.

6th Fleet is ready to escort us out, but we've got to hurry.

Yeah, we can't get out of here. Your little plan didn't work.

Well, you did defuse the bomb.

No, it was indefusable.

That's incomprehensible. It's indeniable. It's inconceivable.

It's indivisible. But, sir, what does all this mean?

Well, we've got to go to plan B. Plan B? Plan B.

What is plan B?

Well, I've tied the satellite to the anchor and we're... going to drop it

the abyss.

The abyss? The abyss.

The abyss.

Set the coordinates for the abyss. We'll drown it in there.

It's our only chance to save the world. Tell the Sixth Fleet we're coming

through. Aye, aye, sir. There's just one problem.

What problem? Problem?

Oh.

That's funny. It doesn't look like the Sixth Fleet.

It looks a lot like a big angry Russian fleet.

You're getting warmer, Captain.

Didn't anybody tell him we have a bomb?

Mom, Mom, you are surrounded.

You will be allowed to leave our waters under one condition.

You must leave the satellite behind.

You have 30 seconds.

Boy, I love this movie.

Captain, I think we should definitely just cut the chain and give them the

satellite. I think that would be a very good idea. We are in their world.

Absolutely. I agree with that.

That's the way the ball bounces.

Twelve. Nine.

Thirteen. What?

Nine. Captain?

Eight. Seven.

Six. Five.

breathing space.

Now, Grisby, get me the international operator.

You got it, sir.

Time out. Time out. Yeah.

We're taking a time out.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hello, operator.

Yeah? Get me Joe. It's Biff. Biff who?

Right. Biff Banner. All right.

Hey, kid. It's Joe.

Joe, what's the bottom line here? Oh, you're in a pretty tough spot, Biffo.

They're big, too.

If we make the wrong call here, there'll be a whole lot of Monday morning

quarterbacking going on. Right.

So, what do you think we ought to do?

It's late in the game.

You're in terrible field position.

Turn over here could mean World War III.

Pretty bad, huh?

Yeah, pretty bad, Biffo.

Under the circumstances, I would say punt.

Punt?

Save your knees, kid.

Punt.

You should, Joe.

Of course, but... It's your call, Biff.

You ready?

Break!

This better be good, Banner.

Call the huddle of the Sixth Fleet.

A huddle?

A huddle.

What is a huddle?

Huh? Look up huddle.

All right, Six Fleet, listen up.

All right.

Here's the play.

We start off in the regular formation.

Then we go Red Dog 7, block back, 5 up, 5 down. Yeah. 27, 36, 92.

Got it. We need a crack back block, 87 sweep with a reverse, okay? You got it.

can do it.

Good. And then when I say now, it's whoop, whoop, whoop, and... Play ball.

Ready?

On two.

Give me an A!

Give me an A!

Give me a B!

Here we are, sports fans, high above the barren sea on just a beautiful day for

global conflict.

And the question is, can Banner pull it off? And that's why it comes down to

this, the biggest play in recorded history.

All right, team.

The world watches.

Keep down! Reddison!

48! 52!

Green! Yellow! Blue! Hut!

Sabo! Ha!

All right. He's dropping back. It's going to be a punt.

They're dropping back in a formation.

Dropping back. It's going to be a punt. It's going to be a punt. A punt. A punt.

A punt. A punt.

Wait a minute.

Fake out!

Apple! Runner!

Ballot!

Shake your footies!

Tombo! Full throttle!

Full throttle, man!

Grab it up!

He's been going to run for it.

What? It's a thing.

Tell the Pink November.

Don't ever do that to me.

The Pink November's in hot pursuit, and it looks like it's going to be a horse

race to the end zone.

Cut back, Ryder. Got it, sir.

All right, Christmas, clear it out. Yes, sir.

Destroyers to the left, carriers to the right.

You level and report.

I think we're going to make it, sir. All right, Sona, pick him up. Right.

Sir, I'm picking up an FM radio station on this. Does that matter? Apple, come

on. Take to that screen, will you? It's kind of a Lombada kind of a thing.

But he didn't punch.

No.

He died.

It's a trick play.

Yeah, he's moving that field. It's an open field.

Looking good. More power.

Crazy American buckaroos. Go, Pete. Go, November.

Go, Pete.

Go, November.

What a gutsy call.

This one's for you, Joe.

Oh, I like it, Biffo. I like it. Coming down to the last point. Okay.

Did you pick him?

The haunt is over.

All right, we're not home yet.

How much time left on this satellite?

Twenty seconds and counting. We're coming up on their pistol.

Prepare to jettison the anchor in the satellite.

Ready, sir.

Now.

They don't.

Hey, no, I know this man So

I get to thinking maybe it is time for a career move anyway, I cut the anchor

chain with my little knife

You wouldn't... You wouldn't happen to have any job openings, would you?

Here?

I don't know.

This is kind of a special crew.

Come on, Captain. All right, all right, all right. Get away!

So, this fraud has finally been exposed in the substandard scale. And now let's

go for a statement...

close and personal. Any comments?

No comment.

Affirmative. Negative.

No comment.

Where's the money?

Mr. Wedgwood, sir.

Mr.

Wedgwood, sir.

I'm not finished observing you yet.

No, I think I'm going to have to keep observing you for a long, long time.

Fine by me, Michael.

Ensign Skiff calling the imaging room. Captain Banner, are you there?

All repairs have been completed, sir, and we are ready to take her home. You

the captain.

Captain Flog, Infant Skip in command. I've taken charge of the helm, and

everything is going just great.

Well, maybe not great.

Kind of a medium kind of a great there.

Thank you.