Original subtitles

It's a rare condition this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper

page. Love and tradition of the grand design.

Some people say it's even harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside.

We're going to fill our house with happiness.

There's room for you, room for me, for gentle hearts and opportunities.

And say goodbye, it's the bigger love of the family.

What's going on, Laura?

Look what I found. It was on a table that was empty just a second ago.

Farewell, My Laura by Stephen Q. Urkel.

This must be his entry in the short story contest.

Yeah. He's deliberately being mysterious to make me want to read it. Well, it

worked.

An ordinary Tuesday.

The kind that falls between Monday and Wednesday.

Yes, any way you look at it, it was Tuesday.

It's Max!

Put a sock in the sack!

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Danger.

Johnny Danger.

Former Ranger.

And even stranger.

My cousin is Stuart Granger.

I'm a private investigator.

A PI, a Seamus, a Sloop, a gumshoe.

Things were kind of slow.

And then...

I want to see Johnny Danger.

And whom the heck are you?

Laura Wigglesworth.

I'll see if Mr. Danger is in.

What is it, Max?

There's a Miss Wigglesworth here.

It may be a while. Take a long lunch.

Well, when do you want me back?

August.

I'm Johnny Danger.

I'm Laura Wigglesworth.

I saw right away this Laura was no ordinary day.

Silky hair, sultry eyes, and a pair of legs that started at her waist and went

all the way to the ground.

You were saying?

I need your help, Mr. Danger.

I need it bad.

Real bad.

Desperately.

I'm so frightened.

Someone is trying to kill my aunt.

I see.

What's your aunt's name?

Why would anyone want to kill her? And who do you like in the World Series?

Rachel Crawfish.

You got me. And I like the St. Louis Cardinals.

Rachel Carpish? Why would anyone want to kill her?

And I like the Red Sox.

That's right. I don't know, and I feel like the Carps.

So, what do you say?

Will you protect my aunt and bet ten bucks on the series?

You're wrong.

And you're wrong.

Good. You start eight o 'clock tonight at my aunt's restaurant.

Rachel's place.

Don't be late.

What a woman.

Litter and glitz on the outside.

But on the inside, it's a hint of the girl next door.

But one question kept nagging at me.

Where does she hide those drums?

That man broke my heart, but his wife broke my hand. I'm just an unlucky

star.

Unlucky star.

If you want to ride the fortune, find another car.

Hello,

Laura. How did that sound?

Marvelous, as usual.

Rachel was a knockout.

And there was something else about her.

Something I couldn't quite put my finger on.

Who is this?

That's the man.

Then it came to me.

She has good taste.

This is Johnny Danger, the private eye I told you about.

Oh.

My niece seems to think I need protection.

Can you protect me?

Are you kidding?

Why, my middle name's Turtle Whack.

Now, you two just go about your normal business while I make myself

inconspicuous.

For the next several hours, I cased the joint. It was a hotbed of suspicious

activity.

Evening, Mrs. Wiggleworth.

Yeah, who says?

Well, gee, your sister's done a great job. with this place.

And you think I couldn't? Well, no, I wasn't saying that. Is that what you're

saying? No.

Yes, you are. No.

You think I'm nothing.

I'm a nobody.

But I'm a person. I have feelings and my original nose.

Gee, I wonder who dropped a scorpion in her girdle.

Hey, Mom.

You want to play the numbers?

It only costs a dollar.

Who do I look like? The Bank of Harriet?

Excuse me.

You wouldn't happen to be Lara's brother.

I hope so. I'm wearing his underwear.

Mr. Danger.

Officer Wigglesworth.

What do you want here?

Fried chicken and a side of information.

I don't like you, Danger, because wherever you go, trouble is sure to

You follow?

I follow.

Remember, we're on the same side of the law.

There's room for you and there's room for me.

Although, let's be quite honest, you take up a lot more room than me.

Hello, Johnny.

Care to wet your whistle?

Why not?

You do know how to whistle, don't you?

Oh, sure.

You just put your lips together and go.

See you later, big boy.

Well, I had a half Nelson on my heart.

My pulse was racing. My head was pounding. The room was spinning.

Then I realized this wasn't love.

Somebody had slipped me a Mickey.

like Orson Welles had been tap dancing on my head.

Rachel. Oh.

Oh, what time is it?

How long have I been out?

Oh. Rachel.

Stormy night.

I gathered everybody at the Wigglesworth house.

Mr. Danger, it's a dark and stormy night.

Why have you gathered us here at the Wigglesworth house?

Because you all had two things in common.

And what's that?

You all knew Rachel Crawfish.

You're way off base here.

Rachel was loved.

Is that so?

Well, how did you feel about Rachel, Harriet?

Hey, she was my sister.

I, uh, sort of loved her.

You were jealous of Rachel.

After all, you did loan her the money to start... Rachel's place.

But then, Rachel became rich and famous.

And what did you get?

A chip on your shoulder the size of an aircraft carrier.

What are you trying to say, gumshoe?

What? That's right.

You were running numbers and Rachel found out about it, didn't she?

Yeah, but I was doing all the work and she wanted 80 % of the action. It wasn't

fair. No, it wasn't fair.

you didn't.

Wait a minute.

Every time he accuses somebody, they die.

Which brings me to you.

No.

Not so fast, Flatfoot.

You're going to make headlines again.

What are you talking about?

You are being investigated for running a citywide extortion scheme.

If a business didn't pay, well, they met with a little accident.

Rachel was making millions. It wouldn't have killed her to share the wealth a

little. Well, you killed her because he didn't share the wealth.

Yes, sugar.

You mentioned earlier that Rachel was loved.

Did you love her?

No, I didn't.

Rachel was a hussy. She stole my name.

Judge Jenkins?

That's right. And she convinced him to put me away in a rest home.

would Rachel have your man, but she would have your money.

Now, listen.

I admit I had horseworsh with Rachel, but I swear I didn't kill her. I didn't

kill her.

Now, Estelle, if we could only believe you.

And we do believe you, Estelle.

Does this contract look familiar to you?

Yeah, I signed it when I read you bringing me to America.

Were you aware when you signed it that it was a lifetime contract?

No, for seven long years.

I beast, I stuff, and I fricassee for her.

And I ask her, let me start me own restaurant.

You know, you have a little drool right here.

Oh, thank you very much.

Now, Rachel destroyed your dream.

And that's why you killed me.

I ordered you to collect the extortion money from Rachel.

But not only did she refuse, she showed you this.

What's that?

Rachel secretly recorded your father's demand for money.

Isn't that right, Officer Wigglesworth?

Well, she was going to leak it to the press.

My career would have been ruined.

Answer!

You did? Then why'd you let me shoot all these people?

I wanted to make you sweat a little.

Well, now it's your turn, Johnny Danger.

Your turn to die.

There I was.

Face to face with Lady Jack. But I about to take the long nap.

The fiesta grande.

The eternal snooze.

Fiesta la bye -bye.

Well, what are you waiting for?

to finish.

You're a strong woman.

All right, Johnny, you've got me.

I killed my Aunt Rachel. But why?

I wanted to inherit the supper club.

And I killed the rest of the family because I was last in line.

Oh, you're cold, baby.

Cold and irredistible.

What do you think?

I'm saying I'm crazy about you, kid.

You're under my skin.

I know you're poison, but I've been bitten and I don't have an antidote.

So, you're going to let me go?

I'm giving you a choice.

We can run away and spend the rest of our lives together.

Or you can go to jail.

Chicago police?

I've just killed seven people.

Cops took Laura away, and I never saw her again.

But every time the cards played a bullseye, I bowed my head and shed a

the lovely Laura Wigglesworth.

So, ladies, what did you think?

Actually, I liked it. Oh, so did I. I hope you win that writing contest.

Come on, you two. It's late. Let's go home.

I'm just an un...

See, you wrote the story.

Why didn't you have Johnny end up with Laura?

Simple,

sweetheart.

I'm saving that ending for real life.