Original subtitles

Richie, honey, you got an appointment with the dentist today, but I can't find

my car keys. Have you seen them?

Gosh, no, Mom.

Oh, wait a minute. I was wrong.

Tomorrow is the dentist's day. We're supposed to go to the zoo.

Maybe you left your keys in the fireplace behind your press too long.

You're right.

Oh, wait a minute. I was right the first time. Today is the dentist.

Tomorrow is the zoo.

Oh, Mom, you tricked me bad.

It's a rare condition this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper

page. Love and tradition of the grand design.

Some people say it's even harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

A doll like you is a tower of dreams. Real love bursting out of everything.

And please don't buy.

We're going to fill our house.

It's the bigger love of the family

I have an idea about this year's prom.

I think we should definitely have one.

Oh, great idea.

I love it.

Okay, well, I guess that's it for new business.

Uh, no, it isn't, Kathleen. I'd like to raise a few issues.

There you are again. Must -read time.

Sorry I'm late, but I got my tongue stuck in the printing press.

Go on, don't let me interrupt you. Go on, continue the meeting.

Uh, as I was saying, we need to elect a representative to go to the next school

board meeting.

What for?

Uh, well, this school needs better security lighting in the parking lot,

heat in the girls' locker room, and we need to bring our handicapped access up

to code.

Oh, lighten up!

Stay, Marco, much better time. Question, please.

What is it?

What? Miss Wingslow here has raised some timely and powerful issues.

My avid readers would like to know what you, the student council president,

intend to do.

Simple. I intend to ban you from all further meetings.

Censorship. Expect a scathing editorial.

Well, here's a fun announcement.

I decided to run for another term as student council president.

Would anyone like to nominate me? Oh, oh. I nominate Kathy Lynn Neville. And I

second that excellent idea.

enough to run against me?

No?

Well, okay.

This meeting is... Excuse me.

Yes, beloved Principal Shimada.

Cassie, elections are like kissing. It's much more exciting when two people are

involved. Oh, absolutely.

See, Oracle, what's that time?

We know.

I'd like to nominate somebody.

How about the lovely Larwin?

I second the nomination.

Uh, wait a minute. I'm not sure about this.

Laura, you're bright, you're articulate, and you obviously care about your

school. Oh, ugh.

Personally, I think you'd make a wonderful candidate. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Laura, if you run against me, you'll get creamed. Oh, really?

I accept the nomination.

Laura doesn't stand a chance.

What are you talking about? She's smart and she's popular.

You're right.

She'll be tough to beat.

Well, let's not take any chances.

Get some dirt on her.

Laura? She's too goody -goody.

Oh, come on.

You mean she hasn't cheated on a test, played hooky, or teased the football

team?

No. You're the only one that does that stuff.

You know, my car was broken into.

Oh, my goodness. My kid's bike was stolen right off the front lawn.

In broad daylight.

Oh, my goodness.

That's awful.

Well, last night, a strange man pounded on my door all night long.

What did you do?

I finally let him out.

You should have sent him over here.

Mrs. Putney.

Mother. This is serious.

Okay, folk.

As a veteran cop of 18 years, I can certainly tell you that crime is

all over this city.

But what can we do about it? Well, maybe we can start a neighborhood watch

program.

Well,

that's exactly why I called all you folks here tonight.

You see...

If we're going to form a neighborhood watch, we must have a neighborhood watch

leader.

And this leader should have courage,

wisdom,

and charisma.

And a uniform.

I humbly suggest that our leader is none other than... Harriet Winslow. That's

right.

Harriet is perfect.

Oh, she's had police training, and she works in security, and she's the

person I know.

Bernie, you also know me.

What's your point?

Sit down, Bernie.

You know, Harriet is the perfect choice. Well,

I'm a little overwhelmed.

All right, let's all go down to the wild boar and toast our new leader.

Carl,

aren't you coming?

How could you, Harriet?

How can I work?

I wanted to be the watch leader.

I mean, it was my idea for the neighborhood watch in the first place.

Carl. I mean, I called the meeting of all the neighbors for the neighborhood

watch. I know, but I know that really... I stuffed the celery, Harriet. You

didn't stuff the celery, Harriet. I stuffed the celery.

Why don't you stuff it now, Carl?

Oh, that's so funny. That's a scream, Harriet.

Well, I want to know what you're going to do when you realize that you've taken

on a job that you can't handle.

I can handle the job.

Oh? Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, what, Carl?

Okay, Harriet, suppose you were attacked by a big thug, and he just keeps coming

at you.

What's he going to do, Harriet?

Huh? What's he going to do? Miss Neighborhood Watchmeeter? What's he

do? Come on. What's he going to do? Come on, Harriet.

I'm too big.

on that Winslow witch?

Sorry, but she's squeaky clean.

Oh, what a bore.

Laura, when you get elected president, can I be your first maid?

Steve!

You know, I could...

like this forever.

You got one more second.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Time's up.

Look, Becky Sue, poor Laura has worked so hard and now she's going to have to

drop out of the race.

What are you talking about?

Well, we just got some very hot photos of you being romanced by the Prince of

Passion here.

What? But she just went, and I caught her, that's all.

Becky Sue, we should put those pictures in the school paper.

Oh, we couldn't do that.

Everybody would think that Laura's in love with Steve Urkel, and no one would

vote for her.

But I told you, I just caught her, that's all.

That may be what happened, but that won't be what people believe.

They just loved you, Cigar.

You wouldn't dare.

Try me.

You've got 24 hours to drop out of the race or we publish this picture.

Why, you... Why, come back here, you little hussy.

What?

Will you calm down?

Calm down?

Why, that low -down, cheap, underhanded, mud -slinging, bushwhacking, slanderous

snake in a skirt is blackmailing you.

I'm...

Why, to make everybody think that the woman I love actually loves me back?

Why, how low can you get?

Well, I got a surprise for her.

You do?

Yep. She's so certain that I'm going to drop out of the race.

Well, no way.

Nobody pushes me around.

I'd rather have the whole world think that I was in love with you than to cave

in to blackmail from her.

Besides, there's things that need to be done at this school, and that won't

happen as long as Cassie Lane Nobles is in office.

Now, if you notice any suspicious behavior, don't do anything.

Just call in on your walkie -talkie, and I'll notify the police.

Got it.

Okay, now we'll do a communications check.

Come in, squad one.

Do you read me, squad one?

Hello, home base. This is Flick Chick. Over.

Hot mama here.

Come back to me.

Well, it looks like we're all set.

All set. Give me a break.

What is it, Carl?

Oh, nothing.

Far be it for me to butt in.

After all, I'm not the watch leader.

If you have anything to say, Carl, just say it.

Okay. Since you asked, I personally would not send two defenseless women out

into the dead of night, especially when one of those women is 80 years old.

Eighty -one.

And if anybody tries to mess with me, they'll be snacking on their own teeth.

Carl, I know better than to send two women out alone.

You're on duty with them.

What? I'm on duty?

Well, why didn't you tell me?

I posted the schedule, Carl.

Well, I didn't see it, Harriet.

Well, how did you miss it?

It was right in your favorite spot.

And where is that?

The refrigerator.

Okay. Come on, let's get this so -called neighborhood watch on the road. Wait,

wait, wait a minute.

I have to notify your team leader.

Come in, Captain Funky Fresh.

Time to move out.

Have no fear. Captain Funky Fresh is here.

My team leader is a Funky Fresh.

Now listen, I want you to watch out for each other and be back here at 10 o

'clock. That's Wendy Gordon's takeover. I may work a double shift.

Wendy Gordon is one neighbor I really want to watch.

This promises to be a long, lousy night.

Hey, Dan, can we patrol on skateboards?

Not tonight, Funky.

Vote for Neville. Wave bye -bye to trouble.

Carol, will you vote for me?

Sure. Here, have a locker sachet.

I'm rich.

So, for now, can we bye -bye the troubles?

All right, you ready, Edo? Let's do it. Okay.

A moment of your time, please, nubs.

Nubs?

You and I have some unfinished business.

Later, nerd child.

I've got to get to class.

Well, this will only take a second of your time.

Do you still intend to publish those pictures of Laura and me if she doesn't

drop out of the race?

I most certainly do.

Well, is there any way I can talk you out of it?

Well, let me think. No.

Are you aware that what you're doing is morally repugnant?

Well, sure.

All's fair in love and politics.

Oh, I'm so glad you said that.

exactly move for me either.

Are you out of your geeky mind?

Oh, I don't think so.

Well, I can see the headlines now.

Nubble sucks face with nerd.

You wouldn't. Would?

You couldn't. Could.

But it's a lie.

You kissed me. I didn't kiss you.

Well, that may be what happened, but it won't be what the people believe.

People just love juicy gossip.

I'm not dropping out of the race.

I don't want you to.

All I want is a fair election.

If you don't publish your pictures, I won't publish mine.

You want the students to decide for themselves?

Well, it's an idea that's just crazy enough to work.

It's a deal.

I'm going to gargle with disinfectant.

I'll do the same.

Way to go, Steve.

See?

She's not so smart after all.

I'll say.

If she was really smart, she would have noticed I forgot to take the lens cap

off.

Oh, hi, Miss Budney. Come on in.

Thank you, Judy. Is your mother home?

No. How about your dad?

Yeah, he's upstairs clipping his toenail.

Could you please tell him that I'm here?

Sure.

Dad, Miss Putney wants to see you!

Thanks, dear.

Ah, Miss Putney, come on in.

Can't stay long. I just wanted to drop off this pie that I baked for Harry.

Well, how thoughtful.

Well, it's the least that I could do after what she did for me.

Right.

What'd she do?

She caught some creep breaking into my house.

She did?

Oh, yeah. He looked suspicious. She called the police, and they caught him.

Oh, that's great.

We sure picked a perfect watch leader, didn't we?

You must be so proud of Harriet.

Yes.

Well, tell me... and I'll call her later. Okay.

Your attention, please.

Attention!

I have the results of the election for student council president.

finish first.

I still don't understand why Kathleen changed her mind about publishing that

picture of us. Well, I told you. Duck out princesses are so unpredictable.

Maybe Kathleen has a shred of decency after all.

I want to recount you lucky little creep.

Maybe not.

beautiful. No, I don't. I've been patrolling the neighborhood.

I'm tired and sweaty.

Well, to me, you look like a goddess.

Is this nonsense leading up to anything?

Yeah. Sit down.

Uh,

Harriet, while you were out, Gloria Putney stopped by.

She brought you that homemade apple pie.

That's nice.

Sweetheart, she said that you were the perfect choice for neighborhood watch

leader. And you know something?

She was right.

I'm proud of you, sweetheart.

Even though I haven't been acting like it.

You sure haven't.

Can you ever forgive me?

I know I've been acting like a spoiled, selfish, jealous little boy.

You forgot to mention obnoxious.

No, I didn't.

I just didn't think it was necessary to list all of my character traits.

Carl, I didn't ask to be neighborhood watch leader.

I was elected.

All I wanted to do was a good job.

Sweetheart, you're doing a great job.

It's just that you're good at everything.

Even the toughest job of all.

Which is?

Putting up with me.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Of course, it doesn't really make up.

Oh, Tom! Yes, honey? You can be the leader.