Original subtitles

Eddie, snap to it. I want this place spotless by the time your father gets

from the airport with your cousin. Mom, Clarence is a teenager like me. We're

comfortable with clutter.

I know. I've seen your room.

You know, it's been too long since Clarence visited us.

He's the best.

He was one cute child.

Like me?

She said cute, not goofy looking.

Ah, you're just jealous because your cute days are over.

Well, Clarence is probably a big magnet like moi.

When it came to books, God smiled on the men in this family.

God wasn't smiling. He just had gas.

Clarence was a little angel. I wonder what he's like now.

Hi, everybody.

Joe,

check out the Partridge family.

What's for dinner? Milk and cookies.

It's a rare condition this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper

page. Love and tradition of the grand design.

Some people say it's even harder to find.

Well, then there must be some magic glue inside these gentle walls.

Because all I see is a tower of dreams. Real love bursting out of everything.

As days go by, we're going to feel our happiness.

But we'll smother the blues with tenderness Baby, go back

There's room for you, room for me For gentle hearts and opportunity

Baby, go back It's the bigger love

of the family

Uh, Clarence, I'd like you to meet your cousins, Judy and Ritchie.

Hi. Hi, Clarence. And you know my mother, Estelle.

Hello, Clarence. And you remember Laura, Rachel, and Eddie.

Hi.

Yo, by the way, nobody calls me Clarence.

It's EZC.

Yo, EZC, what's up? Yo, Shki Bro Shki.

Uh,

hey, Clarence. I mean, EZC.

How was your flight -ski bright -ski?

Stupid.

Excuse me?

Stupid means good.

Oh, yeah.

So how's the weather back in Detroit?

Ill. What's the matter? You're not feeling well?

Hurry, huh?

Ill means lousy.

Well,

you certainly have turned out to be a handsome young man.

Word.

He says you're telling the truth.

You guys ought to get out, though.

Hey, yo, Ethan, you're a crash in my room.

A, B, C, X, Y, Z.

Clarence sure has changed.

Yes, and not for the better.

At the airport, he picked up six suitcases.

So? So only two were his.

Well, Clarence's mom is having a tough time.

Helen says that she thinks he's following her with the wrong crowd and

like some time away will do him some good.

Clarence is young.

Let's try to be patient.

Yeah, wordski broski and law.

Don't ill, take a chill pill.

I have no idea what she's talking about.

What's that noise?

Sounds like bees, man.

Red alert!

Your killer bee experience has run amok.

You know, we might want to close that window.

Hey, Steve.

This is my cousin, Easy C.

Oh, I'm Steve Urkel. Yo, Ski Broski.

Oh. holiday duty.

Put her there.

Joe, you a serious little nerd.

No, I am a serious little nerd.

You see, I use verbs. Verbs are our friends. They help move along our

Yo, E -Man.

Chicago got any women? Oh, yeah. I know all the babes. They can't keep their

hands off me.

That's true.

That old man slapped more times than a piñata.

You got any wheels?

Oh, I got a boss three -speed with a banana seat and a sissy bar.

Hey, it's no problem, Easy. I can always borrow my dad's car.

Ted Hoopty, he drove me back from the airport in.

Oh, well, that's all we have.

All right, get it for tomorrow night. We'll cruise for hotties.

What?

Hotties?

Hotties and a hoopty?

Five golden rings.

Four calling birds. Three French hens. Two turtle doves. And a hottie and a

hoopty.

Yo, I gotta go check out the hood.

Hey, I'll go with you. Man, I don't need no chaperone.

Oh, shoot.

I'm down to my last smoke.

Yo, E -man, you think you could spot me at 20?

Oh, man, I only have 10. That's cool. You can owe me the rest.

Maybe see ya.

Peace in the Middle East.

Rain in Spain.

Is he cool or what?

Oh, sure, absolutely not.

Mother Winslow, thank you so much for babysitting for us again tonight.

Oh, you're welcome. Glad to do it.

You know you have the patience of a saint. You've been sitting there for

helping the kids put that puzzle together.

It has nothing to do with patience.

There was gum on the chair. I'm stuck.

So, what are you guys going to see at the dinner theater?

Bye -bye, Bertie.

More like hello, rubber chicken.

Wipe off that full of doubt look Slap on the happy grin Spread

sunshine all over the place Just put on a happy

face Now

I've got a happy face.

I'm living in a cultural vacuum.

Yo, check it out.

Ooh, looking good, fellas. What are you up to tonight?

We gonna cruise the hood shot, check out the hottie shot, drop the beat shot,

you know. Hey, we going to a theater, bang, gonna get some chow, boo, and then

we gonna dig some vibes, kablooey.

Rachel, come over here and sit in my chair.

Oh, Dad, can Clarence and I borrow the car tonight?

No can do, son.

Your aunt and your mother are dragging me to the theater.

Besides, didn't I tell you last night that you couldn't use the car?

Yeah, but we really need it. We're going cruising for chicks.

Oh, cruising for chicks, huh?

Yeah.

Forget it.

But then how else are we supposed to pick up babes? Do what your father used

do. Take the bus and beg.

Hey, it works.

Yo, this is whack. Your pops won't even let us use his Gremlin.

Yo, but who needs his hoopty anyway?

You have an old car, you get an old woman.

Well, a buggy of mine has a pickup truck, and maybe he'll let us ride in

back.

Wow, maybe we can get some cows and chickens, too.

Sorry. Word, I got to do everything around here. Yo, I'll get us a ride. And

E -man, if you're gonna hang with me, you better get with the program.

He took off on his own.

Oh, good. Hey, Lex, you and me go to the observatory. It's BYOB night. Bring

your own binoculars.

Yo, E -Man.

Ready to roll?

You got a car?

Did I get a car?

Yo, check it out.

Hey. Hey, what's he talking about?

Where's he going? Huh?

It's gorgeous.

Yeah, and it's fully loaded.

Surprise!

And he brought Hooters.

That's hottie, Steve.

Ah.

Man, it's unreal.

Joe, this ride is hype.

We'll be cruising in style.

Man, where'd you get the girls? At a bus stop.

We're taking them home.

Eventually.

Hi, I'm E -Man.

I'm Anisha.

And I'm Halana.

And I'm appalled.

Yo, chill out.

They're sensitive.

Easy, where did you get this car from, and don't you tell me Detroit.

I use the world -famous Easy C -Valet parking scans.

Put on a red jacket and a tie, stand in front of a fancy restaurant, and bam!

You've got yourself a serious ride.

And bam!

You've got yourself ten years in the slammer.

You stole this car? Not stole.

Borrowed. Look, the dude goes in to eat, we joyride for two hours. When the dude

comes out the restaurant, we have it parked at the curb.

To top it off, he gives us a $2 tip.

I don't know, man.

Don't do it at all. Listen to that little voice echoing inside of you. It's

wrong, wrong, wrong. It's wrong, wrong, wrong.

Yo, home nerd.

Chill.

Look at those girls, Steve.

They're real pretty.

And I'm so lonely.

What's it gonna be, E -man?

I'm getting in the car. Oh, no.

What in the same hell are you doing? You're coming with us. That way you

squeeze. Oh, I'm not going anywhere with you. I mean it. You brought me in. I'm

paying me to cover the consequences.

Let the record show that I am being forcibly abducted and you hotties are

witnesses.

is a ride to damnation!

Steve, will you relax?

Clarence has everything under control.

Besides, it's just a little joyride. What could go wrong?

Don't get yourself all worked up. We haven't heard any side of the story.

She's got a point, Dad.

Any side?

Harry and he stole a car. He has no side.

He's got a point, Mom.

All right, inside, you two.

Come on.

Keep it moving, Mr. Backwards Hat.

Winslow.

Ma 'am.

Little ma 'am.

Hello, Lieutenant.

Thank you for bringing them home.

Sure, sure. I dropped the nerd off next door at the, uh, nerd house.

His parents were very upset.

Why? Because he was in jail?

No, because I brought him back. Ah.

Listen, I had a little chat with the owner of the stolen vehicle.

He's willing to drop the charges.

Oh, thank goodness.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

I owe you one. Yeah.

And it's a really big one, too.

Good night, Sergeant.

Ma 'am?

Little ma 'am?

Punk?

All right.

Easy, see?

Let me... I'll talk to Clarence. You talk to Eddie. If you're gonna kill

somebody, it should be a close relative.

Bed. That's right.

So what do you have to say for yourself?

I'm surprised.

After all you've done, you ought to have a whole lot to say.

You know what really bothers me, Clarence?

You took Eddie and Steve with you.

Now, if you want to mess up your life, then that's your problem.

But when you mess with me and mine, you're in big trouble.

Swagger in here with your cigarettes and your arrogant attitude.

And you think you're so cool.

Well, let me tell you something.

You're not cool, Clarence.

Cool is respecting yourself and the people that care about you.

Cool is knowing the difference between right and wrong.

And when you make a mistake, having the courage to admit to it.

That's what cool is, Clarence.

Are you sorry about any of this?

Yeah. I'm sorry I got caught.

I've given you every opportunity.

Get upstairs and pack your bags. You're going home.

What?

You bluffing. No, I'm not. Get upstairs and get your stuff, Clarence.

I'll call your mother and tell her you're on the way.

Father, I'll need you, cousin.

Edward, I can't... Of all the stupid... I just can't... Go ahead, Dad.

I deserve it.

Yes, you do. Now, first of all... I can't believe what I did.

It was like, who is that person?

I actually let Clarence convince me that we were only borrowing that car.

Well, it wasn't borrowing. It was stealing.

Uh -huh.

Dad, I thought Clarence was so cool.

Yeah, well... But he's not cool.

I mean, nobody looks cool in handcuffs.

You're right.

Now, Edward, if you just let me... I'm so disappointed in myself.

I let myself down.

But worst of all, I let you down.

Well, that's right.

Thanks for the lecture, Dad.

I really learned my lesson.

Well, I'm sorry I had to be so rough on you.

I deserved it.

Hold it.

We're not through yet.

There's more?

Oh, much more.

Uh -oh.

You got to ground me?

No, no.

You'll be going out a lot.

I will?

Oh, that's right, Mr. Loves to Drive.

You're going to be volunteering your services every Saturday for the next

year for the Meals on Wheels program.

Every Saturday?

Rain or shine, starting bright and early, 6 a .m. tomorrow morning.

But that's only five hours from now.

Well, you better get some rest then.

Hi, honey.

Hi. How'd it go with Clarence?

It didn't.

Curly was like talking to a brick wall.

We're gonna have to send him home.

How could Eddie do something like that?

Well, honey, he was up against some powerful temptation.

Fancy cars and pretty girls.

He wanted to look cool.

Those things are hard to resist.

You're right.

I think he knows what he did was wrong.

And he's genuinely sorry that he did it.

And that's something to be grateful for.

I guess we did a few things right.

Sweetheart, Edward is a good kid.

We did a lot of things right.

Oh, my little wall -biting buttercup.

Who do you want to see?

Oh, I'm so ashamed.

I've been in jail.

I'm an ex -con.

Get a grip, Steve.

I can't. Do you know how long it's been since I've seen a woman?

About an hour.

Oh, kiss me, Laura. Remind me I'm a man.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't I remind you where the door is?

Oh, it's so good to be back.

Oh, let me tell you, Laura.

I have been scared straight.

I met a man in jail who had a tattoo of a battleship.

So, it was on.