Original subtitles

No.

Are you sure you don't want to go skating with us? Yeah, come on, Dad.

Nah, no thanks.

I'm too tired.

You were right, Aunt Harriet.

He is a lazy sack of potatoes.

I, uh, I said it with love.

Hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, I worked a double shift last night. I'm dead tired.

All I want to do is I want to dent this couch.

Now, you certainly are built for the job.

furniture. My God, we've been robbed.

Let's check the rest of the house.

I'm going to call the police.

What? I am the police.

Rachel, if the other guys find out that I, well, that I slept through the

robbery of my own home, I'll be a laughingstock.

Wait a minute.

My parents tried this once.

Tried what?

You're moving and you're not telling me.

It's a rare condition this day and age.

To read any good news on the newspaper page. Love and tradition of the grand

design.

Some people say it's even harder to find.

Well, there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.

All I see is a tower of dreams.

Real love bursting out of it.

You find any print, Al? No.

But don't worry, Sleeping Beauty. Someday your prince will come.

Real few.

It'll be a long time before you make sergeant.

So, Rip Van Winslow, I'm almost finished with this robbery report.

Can you give me a description of the perpetrators?

Oh, yeah.

I forgot.

You were asleep.

That's it.

Get it all out. Get it all out. That's right.

I'm sorry to pressure you, Winslow, but I gotta get this info before you doze

off again.

Okay. All right.

Make your little jests at my expense.

But I will have the last laugh.

And do you know why I will have the last laugh?

Because you're so well -rested?

remember, I will find my furniture.

I will track down the lowlife or lowlifes who dare do this dirty deed to

they will pay.

And all of my fellow officers will say, hey Sarge,

you are one heck of a cop. And they will circle around me in a giant donut of

admiration.

Winslow, I've misjudged you. You're not the kind of guy who takes things lying

down. That's right. No, sirree.

You're the kind of guy who lies down while other people take things.

Hi,

guys. Steve, I'm so glad to see you.

Really? Well, you may find this hard to believe, Edo, but that's the first time

in my entire life I've ever heard that phrase.

We're studying for the big chemistry exam tomorrow.

Oh, good.

No, it isn't. I'm way behind. I'm going to flunk big time.

Oh, don't be a fuddy -duddy. I'll be your study buddy.

Steve, I could study all night and I'd still funk.

I'm a dead man.

Unless... Unless what?

Unless maybe you'd be willing to help me.

Well, I just told you, Adol.

Me noggin' and Sue noggin'. No, what I meant is maybe you could help

me during the test.

Steve!

I prefer to call it sharing.

Well, I, for one, am appalled.

Why are you upset, Waldo?

Cheating is wrong, Eddie, and you should know that.

I may get Fs, but by God, I earned them.

I never thought I'd see the day when I actually agreed with Waldo Geraldo

I want you to forget this cheating nonsense post -prontal. But why?

Ed, oh, cheating is like wearing your grandmother's underpants.

Sure, it may cover your hiney, but if you make a habit of it, you've got a

serious problem.

But it won't become a habit, Steve.

Help me just this once, and I promise from now on I'll actually study.

Ah, no, no way. Sorry, ain't gonna happen.

Steve, I have nowhere else to turn.

I need you, buddy.

Will you come through for me?

Please?

Go.

All right, I'll do it. But one time, and only on one condition. Anything.

You have to promise to study chemistry with me night and day until you're

up. You got it. Thanks, Steve.

Now we need a place.

Hey, here's one. How about you give me the answers?

Clever, but will it work?

Now, wait a minute.

The test is multiple choice.

So we'll need a secret code.

A way of communicating that will appear to be normal everyday behavior.

answer is A, I'll sneeze.

And if the answer is B, I'll subtly cough.

And if the answer is C, I'll blow my nose.

And if the answer is D, I'll hiccup.

Great!

That's perfect!

Oh, yes, it's perfect. And to the teacher, it will appear that I merely

common cold.

Steve, you are a genius.

Oh, then why do I feel so dirty?

Lee, what's with you?

Oh, Waldo, I've come down with this awful cold.

All right, everybody in your seats, let's go.

I put the tests on your desk face down. Now, no one turn them over until it's so

nice of you to join us, Mr. Winslow.

Sorry I'm so late, sir, that I was studying real hard.

Well, glad to hear it. Sit down.

All right, turn your papers over.

We have 40 minutes beginning now.

Oh.

We having a problem controlling our bodily fluids?

Well, well, I certainly am, sir. I woke up this morning with a cold.

And you decided to bring it into us for show and tell.

Good one.

Oh.

I see.

Good cover.

I'm not... Robert, you know, I really did wake up this morning with a cold. No

talking.

Give me the answers to the test.

What might this be, Mr. Urkel?

Well, this looks like the answers to the test.

1A, 2C...

3B? Cut that out!

Well, Mr. Urkel, whom were you helping to cheat?

I'm waiting.

I want you to go straight to the principal's office and

give him one good reason.

Why he shouldn't expel you for cheating.

And the subject is closed.

So you didn't find our furniture?

Great. Look what you've gone and done.

You've gone and opened up the subject.

Carl, I'm tired of sitting on these lawn chairs.

My butt's starting to look like the top of a cherry pie.

Harriet, this whole thing is starting to get to me. I'm starting to doubt

myself. Carl, what do you mean?

Well, I mean, I can't believe I slept through the whole robbery.

This is not like me.

I'm a light sleeper.

I got the reflexes of a jungle cat.

That's true, Carl.

You know, I remember when the kids were little and needed their middle -of -the

-night feeding.

You were the first one to wake up and say, Harriet, get up and feed the kids.

ugly, guilty mug down to the principal's office and come clean?

Hadn't planned on it.

Well, why not?

Laura, one person is already in trouble.

If I confess, two people will be in trouble.

All that does is put more people in trouble.

I wouldn't be able to live with that.

Eddie, you forced Steve to cheat.

And now when he needs you, you leave him high and dry.

Eddie, Steve was a real friend to you, and it's about time you returned the

favor.

God, I love you.

You're right.

This whole thing is my fault.

Tomorrow morning, I'll go down to Principal Shimada's office, and I'll

the truth.

Thanks, Edo.

I knew you'd come through.

A little shot of this gas and Winslow will be sleeping like

a baby.

Why are we robbing the same place twice? I thought we got everything.

Humiliation, my dim -witted friend.

Carl Winslow nailed me at the peak of my career.

You should have seen me, Ned.

I was slick and sinewy.

I could slip through a house like thread through the eye of a needle.

Must have been when homes were a lot bigger, huh?

Ned, come here.

Carl Winslow ruined my life.

You know what 12 long years in a federal penitentiary can do to a man?

Turn him into a twisted, demented sociopath like yourself?

Hey, I was a legend once, and I could be a legend again.

You stick with me, Ned?

One day, they'll write a song about us.

Gee, I hope it's not rap.

I hate rap.

Can we talk to you for a minute? Sure.

Sit down.

Make yourselves uncomfortable.

What's up?

Well, actually, this is Eddie's story.

All you'll hear from me is an occasional, mm -hmm, that's right.

That's enough, Steve.

Mm -hmm, that's right.

Dad, I did something really stupid at school, and I'm going to get in trouble

for it.

So I thought I should let you know about it before you get a call from the

principal. Uh -oh.

This sounds serious.

What'd you do?

Well, I... I... I cheated on my test.

Mm -hmm.

That's right.

You cheated?

There.

You cheated.

Yes, sir. Edward, I can't remember the last time I've been so angry.

And sleepy.

I'm sleepy, too.

Uh -huh.

That's right.

It's in my shovel. Take it easy. I'm a bleeder.

You cheated.

You're grounded.

Get over here!

Terbium, 158 .92 TB.

Terbium, 158 .92 TB.

Dysprosium, 162 .50 DY.

Dyspr... Did?

Man, this is disgusting.

Can we take a break from this chemistry stuff?

Negatory, Edo. Now, we have to be able to recite the periodic table of the

elements before Mr. Shimada will lift our suspension. And I want to get back

school. I simply crave academic nourishment.

Now, where were we?

Ah, hold, ma 'am. My personal fave.

164 .9.

H -O.

169 point something.

No!

Okay.

Okay,

yeah, put it right down there. Yeah, the last little bit. Yeah, right there.