Original subtitles

Okay,

welcome to Flying Burger. May I take your order? Yes, I'd like one veggie

burger, two barbecue chicken sandwiches.

Three orders of fries, two diet colas, and a chocolate shake. Got it. One

burger, one barbecue chicken sandwich, a small order of fries, two root beers,

and a chocolate sundae.

No. One veggie burger, two barbecue chicken sandwiches, three orders of

two diet colas, and a chocolate shake.

Okay, that's two veggie burgers, two steak sandwiches, four orders of onion

rings, an orange shake, and two apple pies.

No. One veggie burger, two barbecue chicken sandwiches, three orders of

two diet colas, and one chocolate shake.

Gotcha. Four cheeseburgers, five chicken sandwiches, seven fun meals, and extra

ketchup. No, repeat after me. One veggie burger.

One veggie burger.

Two barbecue chicken sandwiches.

Two barbecue chicken salads.

Sandwiches.

Sandwiches. Three orders of fries. Three orders of fries.

Two diet colas. Two diet colas. One chocolate shake.

And a chocolate shake. That's it.

What about the tostada?

I changed my mind.

That'll be $243 .50.

Who wants pizza?

I'm backing up.

Back up if you can. Welcome to Flying Burger. Can I take your order?

Hey, I did it. I'm a $10 million finalist in the National Publisher's

sweepstakes. So am I. Everybody is.

How many magazines did you order?

I didn't. What?

Did you?

No.

Hey.

Hi. Hi, Paige.

Ellen, I just got the greatest idea of my entire life, and I want you to be a

part of it. No, nip, nine, one. You haven't even had what it is yet.

Exactly. And now that I've declined, I am free to sit back and enjoy its

brilliance. Well, I was going to do a series of comical photos with you as

different inanimate objects.

You know, you get down on your hands and knees, I put a board on your back, and

you're a teeter -totter.

Yes.

I'll do it.

Really? Yeah.

Apparently you've forgotten the series I posed for entitled Woman in Pit with

Blindfold and Trumpet.

I like having my picture taken, and I might get a cool Christmas card out of

It sounds like fun. Sounds like torture.

That is because your mind is closed to things. You're tight. You, tight. Me,

loose.

So you're in?

Yeah. Great. We'll start tomorrow.

Bring some knee pads.

I'll supply the wet naps.

Uh -oh, my bill from the Internal Revenue Service.

You owe money?

1 ,200 big ones.

Ellen, they're called deductions, okay? See this outfit? Deduction. My car?

Deduction. Three meals a day? Deduction, deduction, deduction.

Getting back $22 ,000, and I only made $20 ,000.

Wow, they sent me a check for $5 ,000.

Well,

it was clearly a mistake. I'm going to have to give it back. Give it back to

government? What did they ever do for you?

Oh, you know, uh, roads, national parks, PBS. I mean, I don't watch, but I've

heard good things about Nova.

I can't believe you would even consider giving back this much money. It's not

mine. It probably belongs to some other Ellen Morgan, and she's sitting there

right now with my bill for $1 ,200 wondering where her refund is.

Now she doesn't have enough money to feed her four little kitties, and she

even call the IRS because she doesn't speak enough English because she just

off a boat from Thailand.

She got the name because she married a guy named Morgan. Her real name is

probably E -L -E -N -A, and they just call her Ellen.

Now I could never live with myself knowing that I've spent that woman's

Although I could use one of those machines that rewinds videotapes for

Are you Mr. Woodruff?

Yes.

Thank God.

You don't know what I went through just to get here to see you. Miss Carson sent

me to Mr. Stevens, who said that I had to stand in line if I wanted to see Mr.

Woodruff, and I didn't know if I wanted to see Mr. Woodruff, so I had to stand

in another line, and Mr. Marlowe said that, yes, I do want to see Mr.

and now that I'm here, quite frankly, it's a little bit of a letdown. I mean,

it's not really... It's not your fault. It's their fault for building you up so

much, but... Uh, have a seat.

Okay.

Um, the thing is, uh, you sent me $5 ,000, and, uh, it's not mine. It doesn't

belong to me, so I want to give it back.

And I'm Angela Lansbury. Did somebody say murder?

I'm sorry, but we don't get a lot of people in here looking to give us money

back.

Why don't you just let me have a look at that chick?

Sorry about the stain. It's fluff.

It's from the marshmallow stuff when you're making fluffernutters.

Adam eats them all the time. I swear, he gets more on him than in him.

He sounds like a real rascal. How old is he? He's 32.

Well, they are cute at that age.

Don't worry, I'm taking lots of pictures.

I'm probably... I'm thinking it's probably for another Ellen Morgan. You

want to check that out. Or check E. Lee Na, Morgan.

No, no, according to the computer, this money is yours. It looks to me like

you've been overwithheld for the last few years.

Well, that can't be. Come on, Ms. Morgan, you're spoiling this for me. I

my morning kicking a widow out of her condo. I need a little pick -me -up.

Well, if it'll make you happy.

There, now, come on. Don't I deserve a little smile?

Hmm?

There you go.

Well, thanks, Mr. Woodruff.

Any idea how you're going to spend it? No. Uh -uh. Oh, if it were me, I'd buy

myself a top hat, a tux, a couple of trained monkeys, and travel around with

circus.

One of those sparkly ones with the velvet lapels and the long tails?

Oh, yeah.

I hear you.

Paige, you're a table.

Yes, I am.

Well, you know, if you're looking for steady work, I could use a coat rack.

Do I detect a note of jealousy? You had your chance. This is my gig.

You're a little wobbly.

Yeah, I can fix that.

I don't want to do you.

Okay,

Paige, that's it.

So how's it going?

Great. I feel so creative.

I'm going to go set up the next shot. Paige, you have a wardrobe case. Yes, I

do.

So, how'd it go at the IRS?

Well, they said the money's mine, but I still think they're wrong.

Yeah, yeah. When do we start spending?

Actually, I did make a little detour to Melrose. On the way to work, I stopped

in Fred Siegel. And you bought that $400 black Gavardine jacket that's going to

look so cute on me.

Sorry, Paige, I couldn't do it. I can't spend the money on a jacket. I've just

got to do something good with it.

of starving people in the world.

What do you say we fly over them on the way to Club Med?

Just kidding.

Spend the money, Ellen.

I hope the situation with the IRS doesn't mean there's going to be a lot

government agents sniffing around here.

Why? Well, the climate here in America isn't exactly friendly to us illegals.

I didn't know you were an illegal alien.

Right, like you didn't know I was Canadian.

No idea.

Well, thanks for taking the time to get to know me.

It is so like you Americans, so self -absorbed, only thinking about

You make me sick, eh?

Sorry, when I get angry, my accent comes out.

The point is, I'm not going back to Red Deer and driving no fish truck. I ain't

going back, you hear me?

I ain't!

Okay, I'm all set up.

There's my little parking meter. Here I am!

Hi, Peter.

It's great to see you again. You too.

How's my graceful little Giselle? Oh, fine, fine.

I heard you moved the dance studio.

Yeah, that's right.

Don't worry, I'm not dancing anymore.

Fabulous.

So where's Glennon?

Oh, sad story.

We had a little difference of opinion concerning the direction of helping

Words were exchanged, voices were raised, and she gave me the helping

left. End of story.

So, now what brings you here?

Well, actually, I want to make a little donation.

Oh, excellent.

Let me guess.

You'd like to join the Patron's Club for $25?

Uh, no.

The Friends Club for $100?

Oh, my God, I'm feeling woozy.

The Golden Guardian Club for $500?

Oh, let me save you some time here, Pete.

What club would I be in if I donated, uh, five grand?

Platinum Angel.

Platinum Angel!

Platinum Angel! Angel of Platinum!

I'm here to platinum!

Yep. Oh.

I don't know about you two, but I have the urge to go a -wassling.

You know, the guys at the photo lab love this stuff. One of them even wants to

buy the one where Paige is a vending machine.

Oh, yeah, we went to the bus terminal, and I had candy taped all over me and a

dollar bill sticking out of my mouth.

You went to the bus terminal? Now I am jealous.

Hey, Adam, I have an idea for a series of photos for you.

Good Samaritan, take the seat.

Philanthropist, read through her mail.

Platinum Angel, gets a letter from the IRS.

Dear Miss Morgan, the Internal Revenue Service has overpaid you in the amount

$5 ,000. Please remit the above amount in a timely manner to avoid possible

fines and or criminal prosecution.

Criminal prosecution?

Well, look at it this way. You gave the money to charity.

You can always plead insanity.

This is the worst Christmas ever.

I'm sorry, Ellen, but there is no mistake. You owe the government $5 ,000.

Well, then we have a little problem. I see. You spent the money, didn't you?

Yes. No. I mean, I didn't spend it. I gave it. You see the difference there?

Spend. All about me.

Give. All about you.

Well, Ellen, there's nothing I can do about this.

But you're... It's your fault. You told me to spend the money. I know, and I

feel terrible. What a bonehead.

Moron. Moron.

Hang on a sec. Let me just send this through.

I hope we don't have to take your house.

I don't own a house. I own a business.

Ouch.

You can take my bookstore.

Well, yeah, if you don't pay. Now, believe me, Ellen, this is going to hurt

much more than it's going to hurt you.

I doubt that.

Fair enough.

There's got to be something we can do. I did something good with it. I gave to

charity. I mean, there must be some way that we can figure out that I can keep

the money.

You can't keep the money.

I can keep the money?

You can't keep the money. I can keep the money?

You can't keep the money. I can keep the money? You can't keep the money. I

can't keep the money? You can keep the... Hey, hey, hey, hey.

All I'm saying, Mr. Woodruff, is that I have a lot of friends, and all my

friends have a lot of friends, too, and then those friends have friends also.

And if you're not careful, then the IRS is going to become one very unpopular

government agency.

You think HUD is unpopular. You wait until I get done with you.

Ellen, Ellen, sometimes IRS stands for I'm really sorry.

Come on, can we have one of those little smiles?

No.

What am I going to do? I mean, every time I try to do the right thing, I end

paying for it. You know what I mean?

You know, Paige, talking to you is like talking to a wall.

I'm not a wall. I'm a door.

When am I going to come up with $5 ,000?

You know, I heard that model Vendola makes $5 ,000 a day.

Really? Did I mention that I'm not Vendola?

I'm not confusing you with Vendola. I'm just making conversation.

Well, here's some more conversation. Shut up.

Sorry. I'm doomed.

You know, whenever I feel like that, I just remember that at least I've got my

dignity. Yeah, aren't you back and stick out your breasts?

Okay.

So, what do you think?

Well, it's red, white, and how long is it going to stay like this?

Just till those IRS goons stop snooping around.

I had a guy in this morning asking all kinds of questions.

What kind of books do you have?

What kind of coffee do you serve? How much of the biscotti?

Isn't it possible that he was, oh, I don't know, a customer?

I can smell the long arm of Uncle Stan.

It's Uncle Sam.

That's just the kind of thing that's going to trip me up.

Joe, relax.

Nobody's looking for Canadians.

Oh, yeah?

Tell that to my friend Dylan.

No, you can't. That's right. Because he's dead.

plucked from his cushy job as a lifeguard on Zuma Beach, taken up to the

thrown out of a moving truck with only his Speedos on.

He froze to death before he hit the ground.

Joe, that's a sad story. Any of it true?

No.

I have this friend named Dylan. I stole his chick. He hates me.

Always good talking to you, Joe.

It's so great to see you. This is perfect timing.

Everybody, attention.

It's our platinum angel.

Stop. No, that's too high. Stop.

You want me to stop it?

I'm sorry. I just stopped.

Ellen, you're not wearing your platinum angel pin. Well, that's kind of why I'm

here. Okay, but first I have a big surprise for you, and if I don't show

right now, I'm just going to butt.

Ta -da!

This is what we've done with your generous gift.

The Ellen Morgan Daycare Center.

I think the money was well spent, don't you?

Children, look who's here.

Ellen!

My mommy says you're an angel, but you don't have wings.

Oh, well, that's because I'm not really an angel, sweetheart. I'm just a normal

person who tries to do good things, but sometimes due to circumstances beyond my

control, I, uh, they're folded up in my shirt.

I need the money back.

What? The $5 ,000. I need it back.

You're joking, right?

You're telling me the most horrific thing imaginable at the most

time imaginable is laughter, right?

Well, it's working.

I'm having tax problems. I just, I need the money back. Can't you return this

stuff? Well, yes, but then the children will have no toys to play with. No toys?

Well, children don't need high -tech toys like, like this.

I mean, kids can play with anything at all and have fun. They can have fun with

this box and this ruler.

You can put the ruler inside the box and you just shake it back and forth like

that. You can take the ruler and you beat the box like a drum.

Fine.

Children, please gather around.

Ellen has something to tell you. Me? You.

You know how when you're filling out your 1040 you need to itemize your

deductions?

See, when you're an employer, you're supposed to withhold a certain amount of

a...

Hey, who's for a puppet show?

Me!

Everybody take your places.

Hi, my name's Woody the Wolf. I'm a mean, bad Asian. It's I -R -S.

And I'm Ellen Morgan.

Here,

take this $5 ,000.

$5 ,000, but it's not mine. It doesn't belong to me. I don't care. You will

it or I will kill you and eat you for my dinner.

Wow, what do I do with $5 ,000?

I know.

I'll give it to the helping hand.

For children are the future of our brave country.

Oh, I feel good. I did a good thing, didn't I?

Yay!

Ellen,

look out! It's Winnie the Wolf!

I don't have the money. I gave it to the children.

I don't care about children. I hate children.

You will give me back my money or I will kill you and eat you for my dinner.

The end.

Children, what Ellen is trying to say is that all these beautiful toys have to

be returned.

So let's pick them up and put them back in their boxes.

Oh, hey, hey, little fella, come here.

You break it, you buy it.

I can't believe you let the charity keep the money. Paige, there's a pin on my

lapel because I'm a platinum angel.

Now, where are you going to come up with five grand? I can cut back on expenses.

I mean, it's L .A. I don't need a car.

Hi.

Okay, good book, good choice.

$4 ,000.

$4 .95, but you're killing me here.

Oh, an extra nickel.

Another $100 ,000 of these and I'm home free.

I guess you notice the place is back to normal.

Yeah, you're not worried anymore?

No. Not with my new Social Security card.

Perry Champlain Joe.

It's Perry.

Now I'm as American as caribou pie.

Apple. I don't care.

I've got the card.

Hey, Ellen.

Perry. Adam?

So you're ready to go, Paige?

Yes, I am.

Today I am going to be a casserole. I will be up to my neck in tuna with

potato chips on my head.

Oh, and to think that could have been me.

Oh, before I forget, here's your first check to the photos.

Oh, great.

$500?

Come on, Ellen, you agreed to do this.

Now I'm having second thoughts. The hard part was getting up there.

Pictures will only take a couple minutes.

Now hang on.

Adam? Stick out your arms and legs.

And the light bulb.

Now you're a ceiling fan.