Original subtitles

Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for

you may not be right for some.

A man is born, he's a man of me.

Then along come two, they got nothing but the genes. But they got different

strokes, different strokes, different strokes to move the world.

Everybody's got a special kind of story.

Everybody finds a way to shine.

It don't matter that you got not a life.

So what? They'll have theirs and you'll have yours and I'll have mine.

And together we'll be fine. Because it takes different strokes to move the

world. Yes, it does. It takes different strokes to move the world.

Okay, let's get this over with. Go ahead, make fun of my new pants.

as long as you're not on backwards again.

Come on, Arnold. Take your best shot. I prepared all morning for your insults. I

had breakfast with my father.

Nice pants, Dudley.

Nice pants, Dudley. He just got the blues because he got his government test

back and he said a new personal worst.

You know, how bad could it be?

Oh.

A 20?

I actually wrote that the cause of the Great Depression was that lots of people

were depressed.

I was desperate.

I forgot about this reading assignment the one time the loafer throws a pop

quiz.

I guess I can kiss my B average goodbye.

I'll take it.

Well, did you ask the loafer if you can do some extra credit work to get your

grade up?

Yeah, I checked with him. He said the only thing I could do is some practical

exercise in civics, but I don't know diddly about any of that stuff.

Hey, why don't you run for mayor?

My dad says they always pick a jerk for that job.

Then you ought to win in a landslide.

Hey, cheer up, Ronald. Hey, you know, sometimes they let civic events appear.

Lonely, tell your problems to Danielle, trained in psychology and massage.

That doesn't sound like civics to me.

Well, she can massage your bad grades.

Oh,

what's this?

League for Social Responsibility meeting here Monday.

Hey, now that sounds perfect.

See?

Hey, this is perfect.

Oh, Mr. Lopez. Hi, guys. How's the practice? Oh, yeah.

Hey, even more important than that, I got something here that's going to get

some extra credit. I'm going to the meeting of the League for Social

Responsibility. Oh, really?

Yeah, they're my main men.

Since when?

Since as long as I can remember.

Probably even longer.

Arnold, you realize, of course, that the League has very strong racial

positions, huh? Racial? Yeah, I know. Hey, I'm even thinking about joining.

brothers. Is that so?

Yeah, right on.

Arnold, they hate black people.

But Nashville's a terrific city for our vacation.

They've got great old buildings and neat parks.

It is a lovely spot, sure.

But you've been to Nashville so many times.

Paris has great old buildings and neat parks, too.

Hey, you know what?

We could take a side trip to Germany.

That's where Elvis was stationed when he was in the army.

That's true.

But forget it.

That's where he met that icky girl and they got married.

I'll get that.

Oh, Mrs. Gordon.

Hi, Mr. Drummond. I'm so glad you could come.

It was no trouble at all.

Sam, this is Mrs. Gordon. She's our travel agent. Oh, please, Mr. Drummond.

not a travel agent.

I'm a leisure time placement engineer.

Right. Sorry.

Well, maybe you could engineer us some suggestions.

Sam and I are having a little trouble deciding on where to go.

Yeah, can you believe Mr. Dean wants to go to Paris instead of Nashville?

It's imperative that you not go to Nashville.

I fear the little boy's accent is in the critical stage already.

Perhaps you're unaware, but it's the custom in Paris to serve chocolates for

breakfast.

Well, in Nashville, it's a custom to sleep through breakfast because you're

so late at the country music clubs.

Oh, great.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Gordon.

I'd love to stay and chat about a vacation, but I'm off to Philadelphia.

Philadelphia?

Oh, my wife is not going to Philadelphia on pleasure.

No one ever has.

happen to love Philadelphia.

And besides, they're honoring me by making me a judge in the Miss Chief Day

contest. They do love their hoagies.

Well, I will see you tomorrow, sweetheart.

Have a good time, Mama. Oh, thank you, love.

Oh, and Philip, don't forget to tell Pearl to make up Willis' room. I'm

him up on the way back tomorrow.

Bye -bye, sweetheart.

Goodbye, you good -looking devil.

How is Willis, anyway?

Oh, he's terrific.

He's coming home for the weekend.

I'm so proud of him.

He's only been in college a couple of months and he hasn't rejected us yet.

He will.

My son rejected me in his sophomore year.

Scooter changed his name to Mohammed.

Hi, boys.

Hi. Arnold.

Do you know Mrs. Gordon? She's trying to help us decide between Paris and

Nashville. Any place in Japan is fine with me.

Yeah, but guys, you can only... fling a tomato so far.

What else can we use to beam these bigots?

Hey, my mother's got a zucchini that's been in our refrigerator so long it'll

walk from one shelf to the other.

Now, zucchini is just perfect. You can use it like a dart. It's perfect for

distance and accuracy.

But you gotta be careful with zucchinis. If they're too gushy, they'll come

apart in your hand. And if they're not rotten enough, they won't squash when

hit a girl.

And she'll have a chance to throw it back at you. Exactly. Now, Sam, if you

throwing fruit at girls, who would you use?

Well, my friends prefer ripe cantaloupes.

Seasonal, but effective.

They maintain their trajectory, and when they hit, they go... Perfect.

Boy, I just love regular guy talk.

Excuse me, fellas. Sam, may I speak to you for a minute?

Listen, I've made a decision.

We're going to go to France.

But we'll be able to see the countryside from a boat.

They have these tours they call Barging Your Way Through France.

Don't they have a tour called Skateboarding Through Nashville?

I'll ask Mrs. Gordon.

What's going on, fellas?

We're just discussing flying zucchinis.

Oh, yeah.

I saw the flying zucchinis at Madison Square Garden.

They were marvelous.

Not those kind of zucchinis. The kind you throw at girls.

Aren't you guys a little old for that?

Oh, you're never too old for that, Mr. D.

Remember that movie where Jimmy Cagney squashes the grapefruit in that girl's

face?

That was my favorite.

Well, Sam, I think that was before we had electric juicers.

Now, what's this all about, Arnold?

Dad, have you heard of the League for Social Responsibility?

Yeah, the hate group.

Yeah, well, they hate black people and other minorities.

Isn't that league having a rally?

Oh, yes.

Now I understand the reference to flying fruit.

Flying rotten fruit.

Yeah, we're going to shut them down. It's going to be great.

Right, right, yeah. Well, now look, fellas.

Actually, I came up here to talk to Arnold about some pressing family

Why don't you guys go downstairs and raid the refrigerator?

Last one down has to eat the vegetables.

Why do I think this is not about pressing family business?

Look, Arnold, you don't have to be a mind reader to realize that I do not

approve of what you are planning to do.

But what about what the league is planning to do? They're sleazeballs.

Sleazeballs, definitely, but that does not give you the right to throw fruit at

them to keep them from speaking.

You're right.

Vegetables would be better.

You're not going to throw anything at them.

Dad, how am I supposed to disrupt a meeting?

You're not.

These people are planning to ship blacks out of the country or worse.

Look, I know that this bunch are despicable.

But the Constitution guarantees their right to speak.

That's part of the First Amendment. It's one of the things that makes America so

special. First Amendment.

They don't believe in that First Amendment or any of the others.

That doesn't matter.

Look, if we're allowed to take away their rights, who's to say that some

group can't come along and just take away ours?

These people have a right to speak.

But they hate me just for the color of my skin.

Look, Arnold, I can't pretend that I can feel exactly the way you do, but there

are other things at stake here.

Now, Arnold, I'm telling you, as your father... My father would be out there

throwing fruit with me and wouldn't bother taking it out of the can.

Arnold? I don't have to listen to you. You're not my real father anyway.

Stop whittling. Quit the camera. The southern bell from hell.

I just can't seem to get the top of my convertible closed. On her way.

Listen, you know how to give foot massages. Welcome to a different world,

Whitley. Weeknights at midnight.

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Hi, everybody. I'm home.

Hi, Maggie.

Hello, my love.

Willis will be right up. Good? Oh, thank you.

Boys, I sure do hope you're hungry.

Well, Sam is, but I'm afraid that Arnold has lost his appetite.

Well, he'll get it right back when he sees what I brought.

The biggest, the juiciest, the sloppiest cheesesteak in all of Philadelphia, and

it is only two hours old.

Wow, that's perfectly aged.

Doesn't that look delicious?

That was very nice of you, Maggie, but I lost my appetite.

Thanks to Dad.

Why do I get the feeling that I've walked smack dab into the middle of

here? Because you have, Maggie.

Arnold wanted to try to stop the League for Social Responsibility people from

speaking by throwing fruit at them. I told him he couldn't do it.

Well, I can see how you would feel that way.

Yes, but I can't seem to make Arnold understand why that is wrong. Maybe you

could talk some sense into him.

Arnold, Arnold, this does not require a whole lot of talking.

Throwing fruit is dead wrong.

Be surprised.

Mrs. Drummond is siding with Mr. Drummond.

I'll come here.

Listen, if it were me, I would raise such a ruckus that the league would be

sorry they'd ever set foot in this town. And let me tell you something. If there

is anything you can do... Maggie, hold it, hold it. What are you saying?

Dad, let her finish.

Phillip, what I'm saying is that we have to rid ourselves of these social

vermin. Hey, Mom, who won the cheesesteak?

Look, Maggie, if you deny these people their rights, you are simply stooping to

their level.

Philip, the Nazis took advantage of free speech to gain power, and then they

abolished it. We would have been better off if someone had stooped to their

level and tried to stop them.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Willis.

Maggie, I can't believe that I just heard you say that.

Well, Philip, I'm sorry you don't agree with me, but this is the way I feel.

Well, it was nice coming home to this family harmony.

I guess you guys couldn't get along without me.

Arnold, what's going on here?

Oh, nothing much, bro. We're just having a friendly chat about the League for

Social Responsibility.

There's nothing friendly about those guys. I know it. That's what I was

Dad, but he thinks I should let him speak.

Listen, what do you think? My main man, my righteous relative.

I say let him speak.

Exactly. Are you kidding?

people. I know that.

Well, I used to kid about you having half a brain, but now you're giving me

scientific evidence.

Look, history proves you're wrong. Now, the First Amendment protected Martin

Luther King when advocating civil rights sounded revolutionary.

Now, what would you say if they tried to stop him from speaking?

Right. But the League is racist. Right. Now, despise them for that. But we have

to protect our free speech.

Look, it's better for these guys to be speaking at a public place than doing it

in secret.

Well, Arnold, don't you think your big brother makes sense?

Not to me.

Wait a minute.

Willis, you are absolutely right.

But what you're forgetting is that that very same First Amendment gives me the

right to let those creeps know exactly how I feel.

Tell them, Maggie.

Look, Arnold, throwing food is an assault. That's against the law. I'm not

to allow you to break the law.

Dad, I know you think you're right, and so do I. And whatever I decide, I have

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Hey, Dad.

Gotta get to the store and get some more detergent. Pearl right out.

Willis? Yeah?

How do I understand why you have to do all your laundry here?

Well, it's either that or beating on a rock along the East River.

No, that's okay.

I'll see you later. Okay, Dad.

Willis? Yeah, Dad?

No, that's okay. Never mind. Go ahead.

Dad, is there something you want to talk about?

Well, it's just the usual thing. Should I retool my plants in Delaware now, or

should I wait until next year and take advantage of the new tax incentives?

You retooled last month.

I know.

Oh, I just wanted to fill you in on all this.

All right, Dad, come on. What's really on your mind?

It's about that fight with Arnold and Maggie, isn't it?

Maggie's no problem. She's an adult. We've had a lot of disagreements

but it's Arnold that has me worried.

I've never seen him so upset.

I've never seen you so upset.

Not even when we painted your bathtub our school colors.

Thanks for the memory.

At least you wouldn't believe what Arnold said to me yesterday.

He said... I'm not his father.

That his real father would understand.

Oh, yeah, Dad. Well, he's just a kid. You know, they say things they really

don't mean.

Yeah, but I think he was right.

I was so quick to read him the Bill of Rights that I didn't stop to realize how

personally this was affecting him.

I'm sure it would be different if I was... Black?

I thought those problems were all in the past for this family, but I guess

they're still here.

Not in any way that counts.

And don't be so sure that our real father would have been any different.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Papa used to talk about what was important to him.

But I don't think you would have been so quick to throw garbage at people.

Hey, Arnold.

I left you some of my cheesesteak.

Thanks, kid, but I don't have the stomach for it now.

But, Arnold, I left you the part where the sauce and the onion juice have

their way so far down in the roll that every bite squirts flavors all over your

mouth.

And it's really great for you because a lot of it will get stuck in your braces

and last for days.

Thanks, kid. It sounds real tempting, but I got other things on my mind.

Well, Arnold, if you're worried about the vacation, don't. It's all settled.

I agreed to go to France.

I thought you were holding out for Nashville.

I was, but Mr. D's been so upset lately.

And besides, in France, it'll be really fun to play the out -of -state license

game.

I can't go on a vacation with Dad right now.

But, Arnold, who am I going to terrorize belt captains with?

Go anywhere with Dad right now. We're in a big hassle and I just can't be around

him.

But I don't understand, Arnold.

Why do you and Mr. D have to fight?

What difference does it make if those guys talk or not? Sam, Sam, come here.

down.

Look, this has to do with prejudice.

You know, people of different races and different colors not getting along.

But the blacks and whites and all the other colors in my class get along.

with your personality.

Sam, the rest of the world isn't like you or me or your class.

There are people out there who hate you just because of the color of your skin.

Yeah, the teacher talked to us about that the other day.

Didn't make too much sense.

All right.

What if, uh, they said little red -headed kids with freckles couldn't go

cafeteria anymore?

That'd be fine with me.

in there either.

I'd go there anyway.

What if there were six bullies there with baseball bats waiting to tell you

go somewhere else?

But they can't do that. I'm allowed to eat there as long as I don't spoil my

appetite for dinner.

Did you say six bullies?

Sam, I'm trying to stop a whole bunch of these bullies from telling people

where they can live.

where to go to school, and where to eat hamburgers. But my dad thinks I should

let him speak.

Does that mean you don't love Mr. D anymore?

I love Mr.

D. Uh, dad.

It's just that I think he's dead wrong about this.

What kind of family are we going to be if we can't hang around each other

anymore?

Ah, don't worry about that, Sam.

No matter what happens, this family will always stick together.

Who else would want us?

Hey, Arnold, did you bring the melons? Uh, no. My melon man sold out early

today.

That's okay. We bought plenty of zucchini and tomatoes.

I say we grab a good seat.

These speeches don't have the same impact from the back of the room, if you

what I mean.

You guys go ahead and grab a seat for me.

I'll just wash my hands.

Hey, Arno, what's going on here?

Guys, I don't know about this anymore.

There's something wrong here.

Yeah, it's called the League for Social Responsibility. I know, but I'm starting

to think that throwing things is not such a good idea.

You mean that's what your father thinks?

Dudley, do you smell a wimp?

Yes. I call it essence of wimp.

Hey, I'm no wimp. And leave my father out of this. He has as much right to his

opinion as I do to mine.

Yeah, but it looks like his opinion is yours.

Come on, Arnold. Do you hate those guys or not? Are you with us or against us?

I'm with you. But I don't think I can throw fruit. Then you're against us.

No.

I just want to do what's right. Then join us.

Come on, Charlie, let's get this started.

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Picketing. I don't believe in throwing fruit, but I'm certainly going to let

those thugs know how I feel. Do you think picketing is going to do any good?

Did it for Martin Luther King and Cesar Chavez?

Yeah, and remember what they said?

few extra signs in case you and your friends might be interested all right

gonna go for it okay you know dad you're right if they have a right to speak

then we have a right to speak back you got it right hey fellas drop that take

this you take that we're gonna let these bums know how we feel and we're gonna

get some extra credit for government class too come on

Morning, Eddie.

Morning. So how'd it go last night, you and that perfume sales girl?

She was fine.

Yeah, she smelled good, too.

Everything was going great until Alicia came between us.

Alicia?

You had two of them in there and didn't tell me?

No, I wish. I'm talking about Alicia, my tattoo.

This thing's been on my shoulder ever since that Christmas party two years ago

when I single -handedly put the yak in cognac.

So it was only one woman.

Then why are we having this conversation?

Well, hell, it's like having a third party present.

Man, every time a woman sees this tattoo, the inquisition starts. Who,

why, when?

Believe me, Ed, who, what, why, when is not my idea of pillow talk.

Living your learn, Malcolm.

What's the dumbest thing you've ever done for a female?

You know, I really don't like to talk about it.

I mean, let's just say it's a...

It's a good thing hair grows back.

It's a neglected funny bone. It just won't leave you alone while you're

inside your home.

a brother who can disguise my Alicia tattoo into something else.

What do you think?

I like the mermaid.

Me too.

She has a certain je ne sais quoi that has an almost mythical appeal.

And she's not wearing a shirt.

Hey, don't get excited, fellas. This is a 90s mermaid.

There's no guarantee that that's all her.

Well, now, have you considered laser surgery? It's painless, and it works.

How much does it cost?

About $2 ,000.

I thought you said it was painless.

Hey, hey, I could take your tattoo off for 50 bucks.

I got a bottle of tequila and a belt sander over in the garage.

Hey, um, what would you say if I could get one of the doctors down in the

hospital to remove your tattoo for free?

I'd say thank you very much, except nothing comes for free. What do you

in return?

Well, you heard me mention my baby sister, Claudine.

The fairest blossom on our family tree.

The research chemist. That fairest blossom?

Certainly. Anyway, she was just named Employee of the Month down at the

pharmaceutical laboratory where she works.

But sadly, she has no one to celebrate with but me.

So what are you suggesting? That she should celebrate with me?

Oh, please, Malcolm. I'll have the doctor throw in a lawyer GI for free.

No, no, Tim. Look, you tell your sister I say congratulations, but blind dates

are one thing I don't do.

You and me both, until I can't make it either. Okay.

Now, are you sure?

Hey, Tim, your next law change, $4 ,000.

Now, would you reconsider?

I could arrange a limousine. The funeral host owes me a credit. Grandma pulled

through.

All right, well, she is employee of the month, you're a friend, and your bar tab

is paid up. All right, I'll take Claudine out.

Claudine? Who, why, where, and what is Claudine?

Explain.

Simone, I thought you worked this out in therapy.

Claudine is Tim's sister. I'm doing him a favor, and it's not a date.

Oh, well, in that case, you just have a good time, okay?

And just to make sure Claudine knows it's not a date, we're all going.