Original subtitles

Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for

you may not be right for some.

The man is born.

He's a man of me.

Then it'll all come true. They got nothing but the genes, but they got

strokes to take, different strokes to take, different strokes to move the

Everybody!

We'll be right back.

Get it, Sam.

You'll never be able to play Swanee River on a calculator made in Japan.

Okay, boys, get them while they're hot.

Corn muffins and burr.

Muffins and what, Pearl?

Burr. Kimberly's teaching me French. That's a word for butter.

Burr.

It'd hurt to know a second language.

Would you like to know what this is called in Paris?

Well, in New York, it's my fork, so hand it over.

You're hopeless. I'm off to class. Bye, guys. Bye -bye.

Oh, good morning, darling.

Good morning, boys. Oh, just coffee for me, Pearl. I'm in a dreadful hurry.

And don't set a place for Mr. Drummond. He's already in the office.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, Philip, I thought you had an early morning meeting. I did.

Neil Rowling and I had a business jog.

I beat him.

Way to go, Dad.

Does he still weigh 325?

340.

But once he gets started, he can really move.

Old breakfast.

Just a little orange juice, please. If you two keep up your schedule, I'll have

to go the fast food route and make Pearl McMuffins.

Hey, good idea.

I think she's only kidding, Philip. Oh, really? Uh -huh. Well, it's a good idea

anyway. But I have a better one. How about lunch today?

Oh, it sounds great. La Marseille? No, too far uptown. The Criterion.

Too far downtown.

Cafe Maritz? Perfect.

Twelve o 'clock? Oh, I can't. One -thirty? Too late.

One o 'clock.

Tomorrow.

Write it again, Arnold.

Boy, I hope I'm never that busy.

Yeah, kid.

Life's simpler when everything you own fits in your toy chest.

Looking good.

Thanks. Where were you tonight?

Oh, I had a date with Brad, and boy, we painted the town.

Boy, I'd get killed if I wore my good clothes for painting.

Where were you guys tonight?

The ballet.

I think it's great you two are learning to appreciate the arts. What was your

favorite part?

When Sam fell in the orchestra pit.

tickets again.

Last week it was two plays and an opera.

The next time they cancel their plans, I hope it's a Yankee game.

Yeah, I'd much rather see Billy Martin kick dirt on an umpire than hear a fat

lady sing.

You know, Dad and Maggie have been going like this ever since I got home from

Paris. It's almost like they're married to their jobs instead of each other.

You really think so?

Well, I know your mom's real busy with her aerobics show. Well, Daddy's...

planning a big corporate takeover.

I sure hope when I get married, my husband and I have more time to spend

together than they do.

Ah, don't worry, Kimberly. You and your husband have plenty of time to spend

together. You'll be curled up in front of the fireplace, and you'll be sitting

there polishing his leash.

Right, Sam?

Kimberly, are you saying what Mom and Mr. D are doing is bad?

Well, it can't be that good.

It takes a lot of work. to keep a marriage going.

I guess they know what's best for them.

Right. Just like you and Fido will.

As they say in France, Arnold, who's that un garçon brut?

I know what that means and I'll tell her that.

I think she called me a chef salad.

I'm worried about Mom and Mr. D.

She's right.

They're not acting like married people.

They're not spending any time together.

Aw, Sam, come on. It's all right for Kimberly to feel that way. She's a girl.

But you're being ridiculous.

Hey, Sam, look, there's no problem.

I bet your dad and Meg are probably upstairs right now.

You think so?

When am I ever wrong?

Freeze that mouth!

I beat. Those meetings go on and on and on. Well, how did you like the ballet?

It went over the boy's head, but I thought it was a provocative statement

futility of life.

You picked that up at the ballet?

No. I heard some guy talking in the men's room.

What'd you think, Sam?

Well, on a McKinney scale of one to ten, I'd give it a... Ten.

All right. Next week, I'll take the whole family to see something we can all

enjoy. Mama, can you Mr. D? Of course. All we have to do is coordinate our

schedules. I think it's time you two boys hit the sack.

He doesn't even know if Mama can go.

This isn't good, Arnold.

Come on, Sam.

That's just being considerate of Maggie.

No, Arnold. This isn't good. And this time you can't tell me it is.

Wait a minute, Sam. Now, just calm down.

If I... It'll make you feel better. I'll go in there and I'll speak to Dad.

Do it now, Arnold. Please, Arnold, now.

Okay, Sam. All right. I'm going. I'm on my way.

And if there's a problem, it'll be history because Arnold Dear Abby Jackson

on the move.

Hey, Dad.

Um, can I talk to you for a minute?

Oh, sure, son.

What's on your mind?

They always say, uh, milk's good for you. But you ever see cows drinking?

Makes you wonder if they know something.

Okay, Arnold, what happened in school?

School's fine, Dad.

Well, then what's the problem?

Sam. Oh.

What's the problem with Sam?

You.

Sam's worried about your marriage.

You see, you guys never spend any time together.

You run around like crazy every morning.

Now, listen.

Maggie and I are very busy people.

We're a career couple.

But it isn't the quantity of time that we spend together that matters. It's the

quality.

And the quality is just marvelous.

You understand?

Oh, absolutely, Dad.

And I'm sure Sam will feel better now, too.

I'll feel better when Sam feels better, but... I guess I should talk to him. Oh,

that's all right, Dad.

I'll do it. I mean, after all, he came to me with a problem.

Okay, Arnold.

But if he's still worried, I want you to tell me.

Okay, Dad, sure.

Good night, Tom. Good night, Dad. And Arnold, don't waste that milk.

Dad wants you to have that move.

Don't worry about a thing, because it's all under control.

You mean he said they're going to start spending some time together?

No, he didn't exactly say that.

What did he exactly say?

Uh, look, Sam, uh, you don't understand adults.

You have to be able to read between the lines.

Look, Sam.

Dad said that they're just a career couple of the 80s.

That's all.

Can they still see more of each other?

I'm sure.

Eventually. Like in a few months.

Hey, Sam, Dad and Maggie still love each other?

My mom and my first daddy loved each other, too.

They're not together anymore.

Ah, hey, look. If they can't see each other, they can't fight.

Not funny?

No.

My daddy was so busy, he and my mama never fought.

They just stopped spending time together.

And they just stopped being married.

Look, Sam.

Dad told me himself.

It's not the quantity of time they spend together.

It's the quality.

Well, if you knew that, why'd you put me through all this?

I know it because that's what my daddy used to say before he and my mama got a

divorce.

My mama, it's been nice being your brother.

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You know, I'm scared.

You? You think we're doing the right thing?

Better to know than not to.

I think I'd rather not know.

Nobody can do it for us.

Yeah, you're right.

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I give up, Sam.

I can't find one article on how to get Dad and Maggie back together.

You find anything interesting?

Yeah, this article right here.

Madonna explains her fear of shellfish.

You're a big help, Sam.

I just don't know what people their age would consider romantic.

Well, I was pretty little. But I still remember my mama liked it when Daddy

would go out and shoot a possum.

And then they'd skin it together.

Hard to believe they split up.

Hi, Kimberly. Hey, Kimberly.

What's your idea of a romantic evening?

Well, it's... You're too young, Sam.

I know Kimberly's idea.

She likes sitting in an Oldsmobile parked by the river steaming up the

How do you know that?

I followed you once.

You were spying on me?

Not exactly spying. More like observing.

I'm just a little worm, you know that? Hey, come on. There'll be plenty of time

for fighting after we get Mom and Mr. D back together again.

He's right, Kimberly.

You're worried about this too, aren't you, Arnold?

Well, I'd rather eat Brussels sprouts than admit that you two are right.

Listen, Kimberly, do you have any ideas of something romantic that would get

Maggie and Dad together?

And a round -the -world cruise is nice.

Oh, great.

On our allowance, they could sail to Jersey City.

What about a nice romantic dinner? We can afford that.

Great idea.

You know, candlelight, wine, soft music.

Fried possum.

Uh, Pearl can handle the menu.

You know, that might work.

They did probably. I promise to be home for dinner tonight.

Maybe if we all leave them alone, sparks will fly.

I bet there'll be plenty of mushy talk.

Well, Sam, my man, tonight, we're in the mush business.

Come on, let's go make some arrangements.

Okay, Arnold.

I'll try anything.

Oh, and don't worry about those pictures I took of you in the Oldsmobile.

They hardly came out.

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I'd do a lot for a tuxedo.

Come on out, Sam.

Don't be alarmed, Sam, but there's a caterpillar on your lip.

It's a mustache.

All the waiters in fancy restaurants have them.

Sam, I don't think we should let Daddy Maggie be that. I mean, roll... rolling

around on the floor laughing isn't exactly all that romantic.

Well, I wonder where they are. They should be here by now.

That chopped liver swan's starting to get crusty.

It looks like a duck to me.

It's a swan, Sam.

be the musician we hired.

Once Dad and Maggie hear him, they'll be kissing and cooing in no time.

Mush City.

Kids.

Are you Jackson?

Right. Are you the harpist?

No. I just dragged this upstairs for my health.

Who all is this murderer on a subway?

Keep going that way. Whoa, what a fancy layout you got here. Look at this. All

the furniture matches and everything.

It's beautiful.

I love the chopped liver duck.

See?

Joe, do you have any experience with romantic dinners? Oh, yeah. I've been

married four times.

All right.

Well, they should be here any minute now, so you might as well just start

playing. Not now. I'm on a break.

Hi, Dad. Where are you?

What?

But, Dad, you can't work on Saturday. It's international date night.

Wait, but, Dad, we... Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, all right.

Don't worry about us, Dad. Yeah, we understand.

Okay. Bye.

I can't believe it.

This meeting is still going on.

So we'll be just a little late.

More like a lot late.

He called Maggie and canceled and she's going to work late too.

Said we understand.

Do we understand?

No.

Pate?

Maybe it'll be better with ketchup.

Joe, ketchup looks like something we know.

I doubt it.

Come on, forget it, kid. This is more depressing than a pet funeral.

I'll make a deal with you. You let me split early, I give you half your money

back. Make it three quarters.

Five -eight. Sold.

Got a deal? I'll send you a check.

I guess it's all over.

I guess I'm about to become a two -time loser.

It won't be long before I'm packing up my side of the room.

Hey, wait, Sam.

I'll be fair, Arnold. You get your share of the goldfish and the dust ball

collection under the bed, but I don't know what we're going to do about the

autographed picture of Judge Wapner.

Sam, look, you're my little brother, and you'll always be my little brother,

even when you're too old to give noogies to.

I'd be.

When you're 50.

So I'm not going to give up that easily.

You're really great.

And you're even better than a big brother.

You know, my pal, too.

Hello, guys.

What are you? Mama, what are you doing here?

Well, I talked to Phillip and from what he said, it sounded like you were lower

than dirt. So I canceled my meeting and I came right home.

Ah, do you boys always wear tuxedos? and we're not home?

It's the only clean thing we had.

Hi, everybody.

Yeah.

I would have been here sooner, but there was some guy with a harp stuck in the

elevator.

Mr. D., why didn't you come home?

Well, because Arnold sounded so unhappy.

I was worried about you two guys. Hey, what is all this?

What is going on here? Uh, uh, Dad, Maggie, uh, this is a little hard to

explain.

We wanted to give you guys a romantic evening tonight.

Oh, that's so nice of you boys.

But why?

We didn't want you and Mr. D to get a divorce, Mama.

A divorce? What?

You guys are so busy with work, you never have any time for each other.

And that's the way it was before you and Daddy got a divorce. Remember, Mama?

Well, yes, I do remember.

Oh, but Sam, honey.

Honey, that was different.

Not to me, Mama.

I don't know what to say.

I do.

I think it is time that you and I just sit right down here and have dinner,

Maggie. We're a little overdue.

Wow. That's great.

Excuse me. I'll get it.

Hello?

Yes?

I see. Well, how soon do you think you'll need me?

Frank, you're going to have to handle this by yourself.

Even better yet, go home to your family. We'll take care of this Monday.

Great idea. We wouldn't want to let that lovely duck go to waste.

Thanks, Gary.

Yeah, well, you picked out an Apeche Corbett.

That's not true.

I just picked out an Apeche.

It's okay, guys.

I'm sure we can find something to eat.

Oh, I'm sure, Dad. We got a whole freezer full of frozen chicken parts.

But if you close your eyes, Mama, it'll taste just like Pop 'em.

I can't wait.

What a romantic menu.

Come on, Sam, let's go.

You know, I think the boys have a point.

It's funny.

I rush off to work, and just like a schoolgirl, I think about you during the

day.

Sort of silly at my age, huh?

No, the boys are right. I've been spending more time with my vice

I have with you. And you have much prettier legs.

You know, we made time for the boys when we thought they needed us.

I think we can make time for each other.

How about tonight?

Perfect.

All that's missing is the music.

Yes, it is coming out perfect. This is great, right, Ed?

Hey.

Out of hell with it.

I'll just call it my unfinished masterpiece.

Somehow I get the feeling your heart isn't in this.

I was happy with the way things were, man.

Painting was your idea.

Yeah, but we needed a change, Ed. And the color consultant at the hardware

said, this particular shade will improve our disposition, reduce stress, and

lengthen our lifespan.

By any chance, was this color consultant a fine -looking woman?

Extremely.

Isn't it quite funny, Bob?

They're just going to leave you alone.

What is this inside the home?

What are you doing here?

Increasing the air intake on a four -barrel carburetor. Yourself?

No, no.

What are you doing here?

I live here.

It's the reason you only pay half of the rent.

And tonight is the night I mix it up with the paint lady, and you agreed to

me have the place to myself.

Oh, man, it's cold out there. You're going to need an extra body for the

Oh, don't worry. I know how to generate my own warmth.

If I can't have the whole apartment to myself, then at least take your car

parts, your dirty socks, and this half -eaten whatever it is, and spend the

evening in your room.

Look, I would spend the evening in my room, but ain't no room in my room.

Come on, Ed, don't start that again. The difference between my room and your

room is only four square feet.

Oh, it's easy for you to say only when you the one holding the extra four feet.

You know what a man like me could do with that extra four feet?

I could have a... Life -size statue of Shaka Zulu.

Hey, Eddie. Hey, Mal.

Uh, Peter, your bartender said you needed these champagne glasses. Well,

should have brought three.

Oh, don't worry about me. I'll just drink right out of the bottle.

I've walked in on something, obviously.

Let me guess. Is it who gets the bathroom first in the morning, top shelf

privilege in the fridge, or the bigger bedroom debate?

I'll go with the bigger bedroom debate, judging from the vein that's throbbing

in the middle of your forehead.

No, this is bigger than the bigger bedroom. This is about a total lack of

consideration across the board.

Mostly it's about the bigger bedroom.

Uh -huh. Well, as much as I like to practice my domestic violence

technique, I think you both need to sit down and ask yourself why you married

each other in the first place.

Oh, wait a minute. That is my domestic violence technique.

but you're the last person in the world to be giving roommate advice.

You've had six roommates in the past eight months.

And if I'm not mistaken, even your hamster ran away.

That was a mutual decision.

You guys act like my hamster anyway.

Y 'all running around in circles, and if you don't get a fresh newspaper every

day, you raise a stink.

What is this? A $26 phone call to Flagstaff, Arizona?