Original subtitles

Well, I'll be going from now on, every Sunday, starting tomorrow, right,

Hallelujah, Sister Maggie.

But Robbie and Deadly are coming over for lunch, and then we're going to go to

that horror festival at the movie.

If Arnold's not going to church, then I don't want to go either.

Now, you see, you're being a very bad influence on Sam.

Now, we are all going to go to church tomorrow, whether we want it or not.

of course, we all want it.

Of course.

Now, don't worry, Arnold. You'll be back in plenty of time for Dudley and

Robbie. Now it's time to go to bed. Okay. Go to bed, son. Good night, son.

Good night.

Arnold,

do you think we should say our prayers tonight?

Good idea.

We can pray Maggie oversleeps tomorrow.

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I really enjoyed going to your church this morning, Maggie.

The minister was very young, but very intelligent.

And also good looking.

Now, now, now, you're not supposed to notice that in the clergy. They're men

God. God did a nice job on him.

Personally, I thought he gave a very moving sermon.

Yeah, it was so moving, Arnold nearly woke up.

I heard the sermon, wise guy.

I only nodded off during the Bible reading.

Don't think about people doing all that begatting. It makes me sleepy.

It sure does.

You were really sawing logs there.

I can't help it. Church has that effect on me.

Willis said I even fell asleep during my christening.

Not all of it. When the preacher said I christened the Arnold Jackson, he spit

up on him.

Arnold, maybe you got bored because you don't particularly care for my church.

Maybe you'd be more comfortable in another one.

Maggie has a point there, son.

I'm a Presbyterian. Maggie's a Methodist. I guess you're old enough now

exploring religion on your own and making a choice of your own.

You mean I get to pick my own religion?

That's right.

Anyone I want?

I could even shave my head and hang out at the airport pushing flowers.

Oh, you better give it some more thought, and we can talk about it again

We better get lunch ready.

Arnold's friends will be here soon, and then they'll be off to their festival of

horrors. Right.

Isn't there some other film you fellas would rather see? I mean, worship in the

morning, warlock in the afternoon?

It's perfect, Mama. Our souls are at peace.

So we can afford to have the pants scared off of us.

going to change clothes.

I mean, I wouldn't be caught dead at the movies looking nice. I'd much rather

look like you guys.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, I went to church this morning, too. I find it spiritually uplifting,

especially when I get to confess my sins. What sins?

Well, once I coveted my neighbor's skateboard.

Arnold, what religion are you?

When I was little, I always went to my mama's church in Harlem.

And then Dad adopted her, and I went to his church a few times.

I guess you could say I'm somewhere between a Baptist and a Presbyterian.

the difference?

About 40 blocks.

What religion are you, Robbie?

I'm Jewish.

What's that like?

Well, I guess it's a lot like other religions, only I go to a special school

learn Hebrew.

And then after that, you get to have a bar mitzvah.

A bar whatzva?

That's a ceremony when you turn 13.

It's great because they treat you with new respect and dignity.

Because that's when you become a man.

They treat you like a man when you turn 13?

That's a great religion.

You can get into X -rated movies at kids' prices.

Arnold, that's not what it's all about.

I know, but that's just one of the friends' benefits.

Wait, is that treating you like a man stuff?

Hey, my brother's paying bar mitzvah next Saturday.

Why don't you guys come?

You too, Dudley. Hey, that's going to be fun. Let's give it a try.

I think we'll have to chip in and get him a present.

Oh, that's not necessary. You guys don't know him that well, and he wouldn't

expect it. And I wouldn't want to see you spend your money.

Good, neither would I.

Oh, lunch is ready. Come on, fellas. I'm hungry. I'm so hungry.

Oh, hamburger.

He's got Johnson on the ropes.

A left to the head. Another left.

Johnson's in trouble.

A right cross. Look out.

Johnson's eye is bleeding.

Hit the bum in the labanza.

That guy's a bum.

Knocked his block off. Tear his head off.

Kick the canvas, you turkey.

Maggie. And Johnson is down. I can't believe this.

You watching two men pound each other like a couple of savages? This is a side

of you I've never seen before.

I get rid of all my hostilities this way, so I won't take them out on you,

sweetheart.

Keep watching.

Do you know how much money these guys are making?

A couple of million dollars apiece.

What if I should go in for boxing?

Make I look like, um, Sugar Ray?

No, but if they knock all your teeth out, you'll look like Martha Ray.

Hi, guys. How was the bar? Fantastic.

I never saw so much food in my life.

Is that why you stayed so long?

We didn't want to gorge and run.

What did you like best, Sam?

They had some great stuff I'd never tasted before.

It was called a knish. That's Jewish taco.

And Robbie's brother, Stephen, was terrific.

He rattled off a whole speech in Hebrew, and his voice didn't crack one.

Then everybody thanked him and congratulated him and kissed him and

hand. It was sort of like a Jewish Academy Awards.

Well, sounds like quite an impressive occasion.

It was.

I've never seen so much love and warmth and affection, and it was fun, too. You

should have seen all the presents he got. A camera, a tape recorder, not to

mention all the money. He's talking mucho dinero.

souvenirs to take home.

Yeah, the rabbi loves to keep these Yamahas.

That's Yamaha. That's very nice of him. Yeah.

Rabbi Morris is a great guy.

We had a nice conversation over pickled herring.

Is that what that is?

Well, I'm sure you two had a terrific experience.

Don't you think so, Philip?

Oh, I agree. They opened their minds to something new, not to mention their

mouths.

And I owe it All to you, Dad.

Remember last week when you told me to start thinking about different

I certainly do.

Well, I've thought about it, and I've made a decision.

You don't have to take me to church anymore.

I'm going to be Jewish.

What? Yep. I want a bar mitzvah. You walk in a boy and come out a man.

And that's for me.

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I'll get it, honey. I'll get it.

Mr. Drummond?

I, uh... I'm Rabbi, uh... I'm Rabbi Herbert Morris.

Please come in. Very nice to meet you. Thank you. This is my wife, Maggie.

Hello, Mrs. Drummond. How are you?

Glad to see you.

Thank you for coming. Please, have a seat. Thank you very much.

Rabbi, can we get you something?

A cup of tea, a coffee, or a little bite to eat?

Please, Mrs. Drummond, don't mention food.

I'm still getting over my heartburn from yesterday's bar mitzvah.

So is Arnold.

Arnold say that young fella can really put it away.

He made a doggy bag out of his yarmulke.

Well, you excuse me. I'm going to go get the little fiddler on the roof.

Rabbi, the reason that I called you is this. We've been encouraging Arnold to

think more about his religious training, but you can imagine how surprised we

were when he announced that he wanted to be Jewish.

Well, actually, Mr. Drummond,

blacks of the Jewish faith are not unusual.

I just thought if you would speak to Arnold, maybe we could find out whether

he's as serious about this as he says he is. I'd be very happy to, Mr. Drummond.

You know, many children of Arnold's age become intrigued with something that

seems different.

In fact, there was a time when I had some children and... Hi, Rabbi Morris.

Hello. How are you, Arnold?

Man, that was one wild bar mitzvah yesterday.

Yeah. How's my little comrade in Canisius?

I think his stomach is already Jewish.

Really? Yeah, I know that you two have a lot to talk about, so we're going to

leave you alone. I suddenly have a craving for a hot pastrami on rye.

Would you spell for a ham on white and we'll get the rabbi to bless it?

Holler if you need it. Okay.

Have a seat, Rabbi.

I'm sure glad that you came over.

So am I.

Arnold, if you're going to make an important commitment like this, it

for the right reasons.

Not just because you can stay home from school on Jewish holidays.

I never thought of that.

That's another good reason.

Sorry I brought it up.

When can I start preparing for my bar mitzvah? I'm primed and ready to become

man. Before you become a man, the boy has a lot of catching up to do.

You have to start going to Hebrew school six days a week.

Won't that bother me again?

That's right. And there's a lot of Torah and Bible study.

You've also got to learn the traditions and the significance of our different

holidays.

And you've only got a short time before you're 13 to learn it all.

Isn't there a crash course?

No, no, Arnold.

There are no shortcuts.

Boy, this isn't going to be easy.

It's a lot of work, all right.

But if you want this badly enough, you'll have to do it.

Well, I guess I can try.

But there must be some relief.

What about all those holidays?

Holidays? Oh, they're wonderful.

But they're also a lot of work.

At the Passover dinner, you have to be familiar with the entire service, which

takes about three hours. And that's before you even eat the meal.

Three hours before you eat?

That's not so bad.

On Yom Kippur, you don't eat at all.

What are you talking about, Rabbi?

I'm talking about Yom Kippur.

You see, on that holy day, you must fast for 24 hours to atone for your sins.

Of course, at your age, I don't imagine you have too many.

And if you do, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Don't they even allow you religious foods, like a bagel? Not even one

noodle.

You know, Arnold, at the bar mitzvah yesterday, you saw a lot of the joy of

being Jewish.

But what you haven't experienced yet is the commitment.

I really think you should give it a little more thought.

I think you're right.

Now, if you'll excuse me, Arnold, I've got to go and conduct a ceremony.

Another bar mitzvah? Oh, no. This is not a bar mitzvah. This is a bris.

A what?

A bris.

How can I explain? A bris is a medical function that my people turned into a

catered affair.

where they... Yes, that's it.

That's it, Arnold. That's it. And after that, the entire family celebrates.

Sounds like everybody's got something to celebrate except the baby.

Well, I appreciate you telling it like it is, Rabbi.

Well, thank you very much. I'm very glad that I came over.

Rabbi, our little chat was very informative.

You're right.

I learned a lot.

I'll tell you this.

If I'd have known at your age how tough it is to be Jewish, I'm not sure that I

would have gone through with it myself.

Hi, Arnold.

Hi, Sam.

Are you Jewish yet?

Not yet, Sam. I'll let you know.

Okay, because I don't want to miss when you start celebrating harmonica.

That's Hanukkah.

Hey, I don't... You got an extra notebook? I'm studying for a math test

ran out of paper.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Here you go. Use it. Ah, thanks.

Oh, Willis.

Sam, I have to talk to Willis. Would you excuse us, please?

Sure thing.

Besides, I've got to go to the bathroom anyway.

Willis, I got a problem.

What's the trouble, little bro?

I like the idea of being Jewish, but it's such a big deal, I'm not sure it's

me. Well, you're just a little confused about religion.

It's not as complicated as you think.

It's not?

No. Hey, say, how am I going to visit the church we used to go to with Mama

we were kids?

I don't remember much about our old church.

That's because you're only five years old and we moved away.

How about going to take a look? What do you say?

Okay, why not?

I wonder if the same reverend is preaching that I spit up on at my

Just in case, I better phone ahead and tell him to wear a rubber apron.

Yeah.

I remember this now.

The old place hasn't changed much.

Yeah.

Excuse me, um, Reverend Thomas?

Yeah. We phoned you this afternoon.

Don't tell me that you're Willis and Arnold Jackson?

Yep. He's still Willis, and I'm still the good -looking one.

I can't tell you how good it is to see you. Welcome back. Thank you.

Well, you remember your old church? I sure do.

Yeah.

It's all coming back to me.

Mama used to sit right here.

I remember how good she looked and how pretty she used to smell on Sunday

morning.

And we used to sit right next to her, Willis.

I was too little to see the choir, so I sat on a bunch of Bibles you piled up

for me.

I guess I shouldn't have done that with the Bibles, Reverend.

Oh, nothing wrong with that at all, Willis.

Bibles should be uplifted to both ends.

Would it be all right if I sat in my old seat? Of course.

Oh, thank you.

I think I'll go take a look around, Reverend.

Well,

When Willis phoned, he said that you've been having quite a time figuring out

which church you should join.

It's a toss -up between Methodist, Catholic, Presbyterian, Baptist, or

I guess you could say I've prayed around.

Well, don't you feel bad about it. When I was about your age, I thought of

becoming a Buddhist.

Religion sure is confusing, Reverend.

I know.

I know it seems like that, but you know, it really isn't at all, Lionel.

You see, all religions aspire toward the same goal, like different paths to the

same destination.

You just have to decide which path is right for you.

How do I do that?

Oh, by continuing what you've already started.

By asking questions, exploring all the avenues.

You know.

I am very proud of you, Arnold.

You are?

Why? Oh, there's something very beautiful about going to church.

But most people nowadays, they use the excuse of being too busy.

But not you, Arnold.

No, you know that there is a wonderful feeling of fulfillment in worship.

And I would be very pleased to have you back.

As a member of my congregation.

I think Mama would like that, too.

I really feel comfortable here.

Well, why don't you and Willis and your family drop by this Sunday and enjoy one

of our services?

I'd really like that.

I'm going to ask Dad.

Good. Good.

Always happy to have somebody from Park Avenue to drop by.

Yes.

It warms the cockles of my collection, please.

Man,

do I love Halloween.

You know, I'm sorry I didn't cut your eyes out yet, because you've got to see

this one.

sandwich man hey right on man

i'm starving sit on

down enjoy yourself

Don't you know you were living with the king of practical jokes? Man, that ain't

funny, man.

Hey, hey.

I'm the king. You know I'm the king, boy. Give me this knife. I'm going to

you the queen.

Watch yourself.

Isn't it fucking funny, boy?

They're just going to leave you alone while you sit inside your home.

What you doing, Ma?

Check it out. Look at that, baby.

All right, now, I left a little bit for you, so go ahead and finish her off. Oh,

no, hell no.

I don't like Halloween.

I don't like Halloween parties. I don't like them little trick -or -treaters

always trying to get free candy out of me. Little pieces of candy. Don't want

go buy a big one. They got money in their pockets.

The only thing I like about the month of October is Columbus Day and that

Canadian Thanksgiving.

hate Halloween, man. It's got everything.

Free candy for little kids. Women dressed in sexy costumes for us big

Oh,

that's Bridget and Nicolette.

Check this out. You ready?

Three, two... You like that, right? You like that.

We are not laughing, Malcolm. Of course not. You're the victims. Your job is to

make me laugh.

Job well done.

could go together as a horse your choice front end or back i'd be happy to just

be in there somewhere you're a little halloweeny freak ain't you i ain't even

going to the party i'm gonna stay right here in the house i got my own damn

reason so don't ask i hate halloween did your mother used to give out fruit and

kids egg your house and make fun of you well yeah but that ain't it oh

i know what it is It is his mother. No, no, no, no, no. See, there's a curse on

the Sherman family.

There, said it.

No, that's not it.

No, it is it. It's a curse. It started in the islands, ma 'am.

Every Halloween, full moon come about, somebody in the Sherman family

get bit by a demon dog from beyond and turn into a werewolf.

Let's pretend that there's not a steel plate under that hat.

Now, say you were in danger of turning into a werewolf tonight.

Wouldn't you be better off downstairs amongst all your friends rather than up

here all alone?

I mean, besides, the bar has a strict no pets policy.

That ain't funny, man.

And if you're in costume, the werewolf won't know who you are, so he won't

bother you.

Unless you dress up as a giant milk bone.

If he says there's a curse, then you best believe there is one.

And, Eddie, if you want to stay here tonight, I'll be right by your side.

get you through the night. Just you and me on the couch watching TV.

Let's have the party start.

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I'll be the one to keep you.

I'll keep you at your bed.

The last thing on your mind.

Cause I don't need your mind.

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