Original subtitles

Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for

you may not be right for some. A man is born, he's a man of need.

Then along come two, they got nothing but their genes.

But they got different strokes and takes, different strokes and takes,

strokes to move the world.

Everybody's got a special kind of soul.

Hi,

everybody. The loved one is home.

The mailman's here, too.

Pearl, I got one for you. Good.

Oh, listen to this.

You may already have won a Rolls Royce, a condo in Hawaii, a 40 -foot yacht, or

a turkey baster.

Does it really say that, Pearl?

Yeah, and I really need a turkey baster.

With my luck, I'll probably win the Rolls Royce.

I don't believe this.

This is too much.

What is it, Dad?

It's a postcard for you from the Selective Service.

For me?

Yeah. Dear Mr. Arnold Jackson, this card is only a reminder.

Available records show your date of birth as December 5th, 1965.

18 -year -old males must register with Selective Service within 30 days of

18th birthday.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means they think you're 18 and they want to draft you.

Who's talking about Woolis?

Arnold, there's no draft now.

Besides, you're a long, long way from being 18.

Which is what makes this seem so funny.

Welcome back, joggers. How was it? Wonderful.

Oh, terrible.

Horrible. I'm dying.

I'm going to have to find a younger crowd. This guy can't keep up with me.

I gotta admit, Dad, you're in great shape.

Yeah. You really spry for a guy in the twilight of his years.

Thank you.

I'm sure the folks at the rest home will be very proud of me.

You're a real inspiration to all of us, Daddy.

I'll say, Mr.

Drummond. You make me feel like going out and running ten miles.

Don't overdo it, Pearl.

You're right. I'll take a nap instead.

Hey, what's this?

More mail for Arnold from the Selective Service System.

Huh? I think it's the same kind of thing he got last time.

Hey, maybe they got that whole draft of things straightened out there. Probably.

Let's see.

Dear sir, federal law requires that a man born on or after January 1st, 1960

required to register with a selective service within 30 days of his 18th

birthday. As a result of a computer match of government records, you have

identified as a potential selective service registrant.

Our registration files do not contain your name.

Willful failure to register is punishable by up to five years in prison

$10 ,000 fine. This is ridiculous.

Man, I'm in trouble.

Arnold, you have nothing to worry about.

Are you kidding?

If I go to the slammer for five years, I'll get out just in time to really get

dressed.

Excuse me.

Yes?

My name's Philip Drummond.

Can I talk to you about this letter? It's totally absurd.

Well, now that you've interrupted my train of thought, what's so absurd?

My son received this notice to register for the draft.

Draft? Sorry, that's not my department.

This is the Data Management Center.

I understand, but they told us downstairs that you might be able to

As you can see, he's only 12 years old.

This is your son?

Forgive me.

I fail to see a strong family resemblance.

Arnold is adopted.

Yeah, the stork didn't bring me. I was delivered by a taxi.

Okay, okay, let me see the letter.

Oh, my.

Oh, this is the second notification.

You obviously disregarded the first one. That's a no -no.

I did not disregard the first one. I sent him an answer. Obviously, there's a

mistake in the computer.

Mistake? It's gotta be a mistake. Look at me. I'm living proof.

I was born in 1971.

I ought to know. I spent the whole day in the maternity ward.

Sorry, your word's not good enough.

Not good enough?

He's just a child.

Well, you would be amazed at some of the stunts people pull to try to get out of

military service.

Now, according to regulations, you need to show me some legal proof of your

son's age, like a birth certificate.

It's in a safety deposit box.

Mr. Drummond, even if I believed you, this has to be handled according to

regulations. If you believe me?

I suggest you fill this out like it says to and send it through the proper

channels. The computer will catch the mistake sooner or later.

You can stick your computer in your ear.

I'm not going to waste any more of my valuable time with this. And as far as

this draft notice goes, I'll kill you.

Oh, now you've done it.

Dad, you shouldn't have done that. His scalp is starting to twitch.

You like puzzles?

Put that one together.

And you haven't heard the end of this. I am tired of cockamamie computers and

all of your red tape.

I have some influence in this town. I'm going to call a press conference. We're

going to fight this thing if we have to rot in jail to win.

Rot in jail?

Yes, rot in jail. Come on, Arnold.

Please keep in mind, sir, that the opinions expressed by the father are not

necessarily those of the son.

There's nothing more special than a bond between mother and child. What's that?

My mom.

Ashanti, Cherish. Happy Mother's Day. Ray J. And Y. Cleve Jean. Explain why

their bonds are so special. Don't miss this BET Mother's Day special. Thanks,

Mom. Tomorrow at 7 .30. You're the best.

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Wow. Seriously?

Yeah.

Look at the deal we just got him.

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Call or click today.

Hi, welcome to progressive .com.

Honey, what's all this? Insurance.

Progressive motorcycle insurance.

RV insurance.

Uh -huh.

Boat insurance.

But we don't have any of those things.

Well, actually, I do.

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Let's bag these up. Saving you money so you can buy more toys. Now that's

progressive. Call or click today. Pearl, have you got a second? When I called

the media, I gave them a general idea of what this is about. But when they get

here, this is what I want to say.

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I would like to talk to you today about a

system which supposedly guarantees liberty and justice for all and yet

victim of a 12 -year -old boy.

Oh, Mr.

Drummond, you have such a way with words.

You ought to run for office.

Thank you, Pearl. But there's just too many jerks in politics.

Oh, there's always room for one more.

I mean, you know what I mean.

I'd better.

I'll get that, Pearl.

That must be the press.

The press conference over? No, no, no, no. Come in, come in, come in.

Nice to meet you. I'm Philip Drummond.

Is this all the food?

Pretty chintzy.

Excuse me, Mr.

Gordon. Gordon,

yeah.

What newspaper are you with?

None. I freelance.

Looks more like freeload.

That's tackless, Pearl.

Accurate, but tackless.

Listen, Mr. Gordon, if you don't mind, I'll just wait till the rest of the

gets here before I start. They're not going to show up.

Why not?

Because the story's not big enough.

Now, me, it doesn't make any difference. No story's too small for me.

All right, then, I'll give you the story.

Shoot.

Well, don't you need a pad to write on?

Oh, yeah, I have one.

I like to keep my hands free.

But don't worry.

I'll remember everything. I've got a great memory.

Elephants never forget.

Excuse me.

Arnold?

Yes, Dad?

Would you come down here, please? Okay. One of the reporters is here.

All right.

This is Arnold. He's the one that got the draft notice.

Hi.

I'm his son, the draft dodger.

You look like a good draft could blow you away.

Oh, excuse me, please.

Probably the rest of the press.

Are you Philip Drummond? That's right. Come in, come in, come in. You're just

time. I appreciate your coming. I'd like to offer you some refreshments we have

right over here.

No, thank you.

I'll take one. Good.

Now, who are you gentlemen with? The Times, the Post, the News, the FBI?

We're looking for everyone who hasn't...

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This is a man who almost learned to walk at a rehab center that almost got

booked by people who almost gave money.

Almost gave.

How good is almost giving?

About as good as almost work.

College Hill, Atlanta.

Tuesday at 10.

Dad, we must be in a lot of trouble if the FBI is here.

Now, don't worry, Arnold. I've handled it so far, haven't I? That's what's got

me worried.

As a matter of fact, I am rather curious. What brings the FBI to see me?

We had a call about you, Mr. Drummond.

From Mr.

Cribs at the Federal Building.

Oh, him.

What did he tell you? That I was trying to overthrow the government?

Hey, this is getting interesting.

Does anybody have a camera?

They have great ones in Japan. I'll send you a postcard from Tokyo.

We're here just to give you a friendly reminder about the consequences of not

allowing your son to register for the draft.

All right.

I'll ask you your opinion.

Would you let him register? This is my son.

You wouldn't want a guy like me in the army.

This class whip beats me up.

And she's not that tough.

Well, we had no idea. There's obviously been a mistake.

We're sorry to have bothered you, Mr. Drummond. Well, that's all right.

Would you like your donut back?

Thank you.

How about you?

No, thanks. I'm driving.

Hope you catch all those guys on the post office walls.

And I hope I'm not one of them.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Good evening.

Well, I'll be going, too.

Unless you're sure you're not holding out on me. No, that's the whole story.

I meant food.

I'll see you.

Dad, why don't we just go along with the system and sign me up?

Arnold, we are going to win without compromising our principles. As one

American once said, I have not yet begun to fight. Do you know who said that?

I hope it wasn't General Custer.

91, 92, 93, 94, 95.

96, 97, 98, 99, 100.

Oh, man.

Really makes you feel good, Arnold.

Dig it.

Willis the Barbarian.

Eat your heart out, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Oh,

come on, Arnold, man. Cheer up. I know this whole thing's got you upset, but

it'll work out.

And it's easy for you to say.

Come on, now put the army out of your mind and get some sleep.

Okay. I'll close my eyes and try counting jeeps.

You've been watching too many war pictures.

Mr.

Cribs. Corporal Cribs to you. On your feet, private.

Wait a minute.

This has got to be a big mistake.

The army doesn't make mistakes. That's why we have a navy.

But I'm not supposed to be here.

I'm a civilian.

Not anymore, you're not. Here's your helmet, soldier.

None of these things fit.

And hut!

Morning, corporal.

Who's under the helmet?

A new recruit, Private Jackson, ready for drill instruction.

I'll take over from here. Yes, sir!

Off with the helmet, Jackson.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Willis!

It's so good to see a familiar face.

That's Sergeant Willis to you, soldier.

Willis, this is me, your brother Arnold.

I was right there when you bought your first tube of gliracil.

Now, don't you go getting personal with me, turkey.

I hate that they can give me 10.

Talking push -ups, sucker.

Now hit the deck. Hitting the deck, sir.

Would you take one and I owe you?

Do you call yourself a soldier?

On your feet, soldier. Come on, get up. Up, up, up.

Look in the mirror and tell me what you see.

Two soldiers?

Wrong.

One... soldier and one spineless, sniveling, pathetic excuse for a human

Sergeant, don't be so hard on yourself.

I was talking about you, pea brain.

Thank you, sir.

Can I go home now? You're not going anywhere, worm.

It's time for rifle drill.

overwhelming odds.

All volunteers take one step

Excuse me, General.

Yes? War is being served.

Thank you, Wack.

How is the morale of the men?

I'm doing everything I can to keep it up.

Very good, Wack.

Carry on.

Yes, sir.

As long as I have my strength.

But war is...

you're going to face hopeless odds without one quiver of fear.

But, General, sir, I'm only 12. I'm too young to die.

Don't be silly. That's just the right age.

Have you had your shots?

Shots? Yes. I like all my men to die in good health.

Make mistakes, soldier. It's this one, the regulation.

Nurse, this recruit needs his shots.

Oh, good.

This is the part I like.

Wait a minute.

Uh, where do you think you're gonna stick that?

You're having a bad dream.

Oh, well, you don't know how bad.

What's happening, Arnold? Are you all right?

What's going on in here?

Arnold was having a nightmare.

Oh, Dad, it was awful.

I was in the army, and there was this big war, and you were coming on like

General Patton, and you were going to send me off to get killed.

Oh, Arnold, it was only a dream.

But it was so real.

Dad, I don't want you to give up your principles, but I'm scared.

Can't we just surrender?

I'm sorry, son.

I didn't know that all of this was affecting you so deeply.

I guess I was so wrapped up in the battle, I forgot to pay attention to the

troops.

Why don't we go back and see Mr.

Cribs and see where we can get the papers that we have to fill out.

Thank you, Dad.

You saved my life.

That's okay, soldier.

And then afterwards, maybe we'll go down to the US Hill and celebrate.

Pick up a couple of dames.

Mr. Drummond, I was going to phone you just as soon as I finished this

puzzle.

So good to see you and your delightful little boy.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

He must have had a personality transplant.

There's no need to try to sack us out, Mr. Cribs. We surrender.

I have here Arnold's birth certificate, his adoption papers, and if you'll just

tell us where to get the proper forms, we'll sign them.

If it'll help, we'll even whistle Yankee Doodle Dandy.

No, that won't be necessary. I have some good news for you.

I'm going to be stationed at Disneyland?

No, I mean you're off the hook.

You were so persistent, Mr. Drummond, that I decided to check it out with

Washington.

Indeed, there was another Arnold Jackson right here in Manhattan, so I decided

to chase him down with my wonderful little computer.

I can't believe it. I can assure you, you can put to complete trust in the

of computer science.

Excuse me.

I was told I could find Mr. Cribs here.

Yes, I'm Mr.

Cribs.

You said you wanted to see me about registering for the draft.

My name's Arnold Jackson.

Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for

you may not be right.

Nothing but the cheese that they got.

Different strokes of cake.

Different strokes of cake.

Different strokes to do the work if it doesn't take.

Different strokes.

Clearly the channel's just changed. I ain't even touching it.

Let me see.

Dang, I say, we got a poltergeist up in here.

Yeah, it's a poltergeist with bad taste.

Go hunt someplace else. We don't do chick flicks.

Malcolm,

I think you installed my new TV wrong. It's all messed up.

Well, what's there to mess up? All I did was carry it upstairs and plug it in.

Well, something's wrong with it.

I've been trying to watch the always classic Give Me Back My Kidney.

TV keeps flipping to some boring karate movie.

Oh, that's because you got to break a new TV in slow.

Yeah, yeah, that's right. If you don't, the TV heats up too fast and the

capacitors jam. Right. And, you know, diode refluxes just overload, man. It

makes the channels jump all over the place.

Oh, darn. That must be what's wrong with it.

What am I supposed to do?

Just turn it off for a couple of hours and let it rest.

Hopefully the damage isn't permanent.

Gotcha. Yeah. Thanks, guys. Okay, no problem.

Capacitors jammed. High -old refluxes jammed.

What you did inside your home?

appreciate your help this is kind of a sensitive subject yeah we won't be

accused of harassing anybody yeah well don't worry i'll talk to everyone you

came to the right person i am the soul of discretion