Original subtitles

Yeah, you play all day. A lot of y 'all want a ball and try to walk it for me. Y

'all want that shot in time, but that's all mine. I'm bona fide qualified to

have a hot damn time. Now listen, get the picture, and take a picture of me

quick. Because tomorrow I got a new city that I'm gonna hit. A double whammy,

right before I do the Grammy. I do it to a pup daddy way out in South Miami.

I'm only in town for a night.

And when I'm in the crowd getting high. And everybody loves me. The browns to

the white.

You live like a movie, but I'm moving my. Life and I'm the life of the party.

Every time I show up. I'm the life of the party. Every time I blow up.

I'm the life of the party. Every time I show up. I'm the life of the party.

Every time I blow up.

Give me one second. I'll post for your picture.

Like cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese.

Now everybody just breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe.

Now DJ, bring the music, please.

Count them, man.

It's about 12, 13, 14 back.

It's me, two of my homies, drinking.

I see all the ballers in the house. What's up, man?

They doing it big over there, too.

But you know what I mean?

If I wasn't here, it wouldn't be the same.

Because I'm the life of the party, baby.

I hope you feel the same way about yourself.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, this is all from me today.

Thank you so much at home for watching.

Charlie Murphy, thank you very much for rocking with me. Thanks for rocking with

me. Thanks, boo.

Always a pleasure.

We know it.

Guys, make sure you keep your TV's black to be pink.

Peace and blessings to you all. I'm out.

Different strokes to take. Different strokes to take.

Different strokes to move the world.

Everybody's got a special kind of story.

Everybody finds a way to shine.

It don't matter that you got my life.

So what? I'll have theirs and you'll have yours and I'll have mine.

And together we'll be fine with the stakes.

Different strokes to move the world. Yes, it does. It takes different strokes

move the world.

There's nobody home, this is the answering service, so just leave a

Of course I'm writing it down.

I don't care what you guys say, I love the movie.

Yeah, the longer those monsters are, the better I like them. No way, not me.

That is the last time I go to a horror movie with you guys. All those weird

-looking creatures that grunting and groaning and frothing at the mouth.

It's always that way at the popcorn stand.

Hey, Arnold, how would you like something ice -cold to drink?

Yeah, sounds good to me.

Yeah, me too. Put a couple ice cubes in mine.

Anything else for you?

Oh, come on, Arnold. I'll give you a hand, then I'm going to hit the sack.

No one does like you. I don't care where you started up at, because I'm going to

finish it wherever. She picked the wrong time to mess with Drew. That dude was

walking around the house like he was straight up crazy.

He's getting violent.

Don't trust him at this point.

College Hill, Atlanta.

Tonight at 10.

The soothing scent of lavender.

Calming and relaxing.

Experience it.

In your clothes.

Vanilla and lavender.

Downy's Simple Pleasures.

The scent of gardenia.

Refreshing, enlivening, uplifting.

Now in your clothes.

Introducing gardenia and pear blossom from Downy's Simple Pleasures.

Hey, guess what? First, Matt, honey, what would you like? Go ahead. Oh,

drumsticks, and thighs. Have one of both. There's plenty of the good stuff

around. Get ten moist and juicy drumsticks and thighs for only $7 .99.

Life tastes better with KFC.

Go from nice gut to nice

butt.

Extra, the long -lasting five -calorie snack to help reshape your lifestyle.

Express!

Whoa,

kneaded it.

All right, Danny.

You're up.

Truth or dare?

Male bonding.

Found in every bag of Tostitos. Free the fun.

New, Clomobi has the laughing baby for your cell.

Text baby to 44644.

Text baby to 44644.

If you've been hurt in a car accident, a fall or any kind of accident, you may

be entitled to money. Get the money you deserve for your injuries. Call the

lawyers group. Call 1 -800 -607 -2020.

The call is free. The advice is free. Call 1 -800 -607 -2020.

If you've been hurt in any kind of accident, lawyers group is waiting for

call. Call toll free 1 -800 -607 -2020.

Hello there, friends. Go all in with your boy, Cat Williams, for the finale,

season finale of the Black Poker Stars Invitational. Are you serious?

All in. Now, I can't promise everybody's going to get paid, but most people are

going to get paid.

Tonight at 11, only on VET.

What was that?

I don't know. It sounded like it came from the dead.

Maybe we just imagined it.

We

just

imagined it again.

Do you think it's a burglar?

I don't know. What are we talking about?

It's probably just Pearl.

Yeah, right. Yeah.

She's probably just doing some late night dusting. Yeah.

I'll call her.

Pearl.

What's going on?

I heard noises in the den.

I think it's a burglar.

Oh, I doubt that.

Why? Because if I thought there was a burglar in this house, I wouldn't be

standing here like this.

I'd be on the floor in a dead faint.

Maybe it's just a wind.

Dad probably forgot to close the window.

That's only one thing to do.

Go into the den and check it out. Right. Thanks for volunteering.

Okay, I'll go check it out.

I'm sure it's just the wind. Probably nothing.

You know, I'm cool. I'll check it out.

I don't hear a thing.

One move and you're dead. That I heard.

All right, get over there with the rest of them. That's it. Hurry up. Go on, go

on. Get over there. All right.

That's better.

Now, we don't want any trouble here, do we?

We don't want no trouble here. Absolutely not. Shut up.

I was just going to suggest that.

So, we're all going to stay nice and quiet while I get out of here, right?

And you're not going to use the phone, right?

All right.

Just to make sure you don't, I'm going to rip out the cord.

It must have been kind of scary.

Hello.

Get over there with the rest of them, Pops. Go on, hurry up. Get going.

Daddy, we're all right. Take anything you want, but don't hurt the children.

Or the grown -ups.

All right, let's have your watch and wallet.

And listen, would you please leave the baby pictures of the kids?

Now, where do you keep the real valuable stuff?

In the safe deposit box in the bank.

We don't have a safe in the house.

Come on, don't jive me. A rich family like you always has a safe.

It's got to be behind, like, one of those paintings.

You're not even close.

Come here, kid.

Come here.

Now,

tell me where the safe is.

Well, I...

We wouldn't know.

Dad always blindfolds us before he opens it.

Come on, let's make it fast before somebody gets hurt, all right? All

right. All right, it's over there.

The back of that painting on the wall there. All right, all right.

Hey, look.

Oh, this is beautiful.

Real beautiful.

Okay, come on.

Open it up. Okay. Quick.

That's it.

All right, now.

Everybody just relax.

Just think of me as a guest in your house.

Good idea.

I'll go turn down your bed.

Don't move.

Don't move.

I'm really starting to lose my whole patience with a whole lot of...

Are

you wearing an acrylic...

Tell yourself hyperventilating.

You have to breathe in your own carbon dioxide.

All right.

All right. Go on. Make it fast.

But don't try anything funny in there or your father gets it.

The following message may trouble drivers insured with Allstate, State

Geico, and other major insurance companies.

We have reason to believe you are overpaying. Yes, overpaying by $364 .46

year on average.

Stop overpaying. Call now for a rate quote from AIGdirect .com.

Ten minutes is all it takes to learn if you're overpaying and by how much.

Over 3 million drivers have already saved money with AIGdirect .com.

On average, they keep an extra $364 .46 in their pockets.

And no other company gives you AIG's security advantage that includes

assistance at no additional cost.

Call and ask for a free rate quote today.

Call now before you overpay a penny more.

Call 1 -888 -AIG -7184. That's 1 -888 -AIG -7184. Or

visit AIGdirect .com.

The money from your structured settlement or annuity is yours.

Call Peachtree today at 1 -800 -581 -0733 or log on to settlementfunding

Life doesn't wait. Why should you?

The phone company has an important message for its customers.

Don't listen to Vonage. Well, over 2 million people have already switched to

Vonage. Oh, really?

With Vonage, you get unlimited local and long -distance calls for just $24 .99 a

month.

Unlimited for just $24 .99?

What are you charged?

Hey, for over 100 years, the only thing we changed is... Your prices?

Sign up now with Vonage and get one month free using your high -speed

connection. Call 1 -800 -483 -0838 or go online today.

New, Clomobi has the laughing baby for yourself.

Text baby to 44644. Text baby to 44644.

Get ready for a heist almighty.

You keep looking at me. Oh, right, Jesus.

Ice Cube. Can't be the lady of the house. Cat Williams.

This is not even my turn. I saw this on MySpace.

And Tracy Morgan.

First Sunday, now on DVD and Blu -ray Hi -Depth.

You put your body through the paces.

You try to make the right choices.

You fight the good fight every day.

You deserve a little help.

New Metabolife is a simple two -stage weight management program.

New formula with clinically tested ingredients that help curb hunger and

energy. Two stages to help you lose weight and manage your success.

Your life deserves a plan that works. Your life deserves Metabolife.

What is a high school diploma worth? On average, more than a quarter of a

million dollars in additional pay over the course of a career.

Now, thanks to nationally and regionally accredited Penn Foster High School, you

can earn your high school diploma at home in your spare time and at your own

pace. You can study online, in print, or in combination.

You decide.

Whether you need a full program or a few courses to meet your graduation

requirements, Penn Foster is dedicated to helping you complete your coursework

and earn your high school diploma.

Call 1 -800 -388 -5368. Call now.

On the next Iron Ring, Team Grand Hustle wraps up.

Weak links will be eliminated. In all new Iron Ring.

At J .G. Wentworth, we say get cash now for your structured settlement.

J .G. Wentworth? Cash now?

It's your money. Use it when you need it. J .G. Wentworth is right.

It's my money and I need it now.

It's my money and I need it now.

It's my money, and I need it now!

If you have a structured settlement and you need cash now, J .G. Wentworth can

help. We'll buy all or part of your structured settlement for a lump sum

amount, so you can pay bills that have piled up as a result of an injury or an

inability to work.

Call J .G. Wentworth now and speak to one of our structured settlement

specialists. You'll get a no -cost appraisal and have all of your questions

answered. The call is free, and there's no obligation.

It's my...

It's your money.

Use it when you need it. Call 866 -591 -3199.

866 -591 -3199.

Earl,

he shot Daddy! No, wait!

Daddy! Are you alright?

I'm fine, honey, I'm fine.

What happened in here? We heard a gunshot.

It accidentally went off. Got him right in the head.

Oh, no.

Not him.

The statue.

Oh, the burglar's just out cold.

I'd better call the police.

Yeah, okay.

Can I ask you what's that number? Yeah.

Hello.

Uh, yeah, listen. We just captured a burglar here. Could you send someone

right away, please?

No, he's out cold.

No, I'm not a crank.

My name is Philip Drummond.

I live at 697 Park Avenue, Penthouse A.

Yeah. How is he?

He's coming to.

Oh.

Now, the police are on their way, but I will use this thing if I have to.

Make one move and I'll bite your ear off.

Hey, why can't we talk this over, mister?

I mean, you don't have to press charges.

Why don't we just let bygones be bygones?

What?

After you broke into our home, held us at gunpoint, and threatened our lives?

Come on, give me a break.

I mean, my old man died when I was a kid. My mother's worked her fingers to

bone. Now she's in the hospital hooked up to all these tubes.

I mean, it'd break her heart if I went to jail.

Oh, poor guy.

I don't buy that story for one minute.

Did I mention the tubes that she's hooked? That routine

usually works.

Routine?

Why, you're nothing but a sleazebag.

Book him.

This is the thanks I get for trying to keep off welfare.

Okay. You want to tell me exactly what happened here? Yes.

One at a time.

Officer, I think I can clear this up for you.

The burglar must have slipped into the apartment while the kids were out at the

movies and I was out on a date.

Well, actually, I was at her apartment.

But that's another story.

When I walked in, he was holding the kids at gunpoint.

He ordered me to open the safe.

Now, I saw that it was a hard situation.

But I kept my cool.

so that I could formulate a plan.

Kimberly had taken Pearl into the kitchen because she was ill.

My two sons were trying to compose themselves, but they were pretty scared.

I was waiting for the burglar to let his guard down, if only for a second.

But he kept watching me like a hawk.

He knew I wasn't afraid of him.

I opened the safe and handed the burglar some jewelry, and he told me to take

out the rest of the stuff.

This was my chance.

I deliberately tossed my wristwatch at him. He was so surprised he dropped his

gun. I pulled an old army trick. The gun went off.

The boys moved in to help, but it was already over.

And I put him away with a roundhouse right.

That sucker never knew what hit him.

And that's exactly the way it all happened, officer. Actually, we were

any real danger at any time.

Dad, I don't mean to disagree with you, but about the only thing he got right

was that Pearl and Kimberly were in the kitchen.

Now, this is the way it happened.

Dad was fumbling around at the safe.

He was really scared, and so was Arnold.

Me?

I was cool as a cucumber.

You see, out in the street.

And I know how to handle clowns like that.

I was figuring out my choices.

I could heave a chair at him.

I could crush him with a flying body block.

Then it came to me in a flash.

I'd get Arnold to distract him while I attacked him on the other side.

I tried to tell Arnold my plan, but he was too petrified to hear me. It was

talking to a salami.

So I realized it was all up to me.

I don't know how Dad got the safe open. He was shaking so bad.

But anyway, the burglar had his eye on Dad.

And then luckily, Dad dropped his wristwatch.

And the burglar grabbed for it. Dad tried to kick him and missed. And that's

when the gun went off.

Then Dad tried to punch him.

And missed by a mile.

That's when I decided to move in.

I spun that brother across the room and Arnold tried the karate, but all he was

chopping was the air. So I decided to put that turkey away.

It was a dirty job, but somebody had to do it.

And that's exactly the way it happened. You see, officer, I'm not a violent man.

But when it comes to saving my family, I don't hold back.

Well, I think you're ready for the Pinocchio Hall of Fame.

Well, look, that's close enough I gotta be going. I've already missed half of

Hill Street Blues.

Wait a minute, officer.

I can tell you what really happened.

Don't tell me.

Pearl and Kimberly are still in the kitchen, right?

Right. But the rest of it went like this.

Dad was at the sink shaking like a leaf, and Willis was sitting there with

frozen eyeballs.

And me, I was cool as a bear in a pool.

I tried to snap Willis out of it, but his knees were knocking so loud, I could

hardly hear myself think.

He looked like a water ceiling putty.

So I decided to handle it myself.

I may be on the small side, but I walk on the wild side.

Dad finally got the safe open, and that's when I decided to make my move.

Willis tried to stop me, but it was like trying to stop a raging bull with a red

flag.

That's when Dad pulled his wristwatch out of the safe, and he dropped it

his hand was shaking so bad.

Dad tried to kick the burglar, and the gun went off. Then he tried to hit him,

and missed.

Willis pulled himself together and took a swing at him, but he missed too.

That's when I moved in with my fist to death.

I was out of control.

It was kind of like a tribute to Bruce Lee. That burglar was no match.

flipped him to the floor, and he was out for it.

And all that was left was to stuff and mount him and hang him on the fireplace.

And that's the way it happened.

Doctor, I'm afraid that my children are confusing you.

Oh, no. Whatever gave you that idea?

Excuse me, but maybe I can shed some light on the situation. I know I was in

kitchen, but my hearing is still very acute.

Oh, just what we need, an ear witness.

I distinctly heard fighting going on in the living room, and I definitely knew

it was Daddy punching him out.

But then again, it could have been Willis.

Now that I think about it, maybe it was Arnold doing his karate.

Thanks for clearing things up.

Anytime, officer.

Well, officer, it's only natural for children to become confused under a

stressful situation like this, but they're learning.

Yeah, it doesn't matter. This happens all the time. We get witnesses who say

they saw a tall guy, a short guy, a white guy, a black guy, and it's all the

same guy.

Well, this guy was definitely white and short.

Oh, he was tall.

No, he was short. Hold on,

hold on, hold on.

You all agree that this guy broke into your home and tried to rob you. That's

all we need to put him away.

Good night, Mr. Drummond. We'll be in touch. All right. Thank you very much.

Well,

it just goes to show you, your mind can really play tricks on you when it's

under pressure like that.

It sure can.

And not mine, of course.

Well, it's been a long day, but at least we bagged a crook.

What do you say we all turn in? Huh, crime fighters?

Good night, boys. Good night. Bye, Dad.

You okay, Pearl?

I'm fine. I think I'll just straighten up a little down here. Good night. Good

night, Dad.

Well, you still look a little wobbly to me, Pearl, so I think I'll stay up with

you and help you out. Oh, thank you, Kimberly.

I mean, I guess we'll never know what really happened tonight.

Oh, yes, we will.

I know the real story.

You do? How is that possible?

Well, remember when we went into the kitchen and you were looking for a paper

bag? Yeah. I peeked through the kitchen door.

You saw everything that happened?

Everything. Well, why didn't you say something before?

I didn't want to embarrass Mr. Drummond and the boys in front of the policeman.

Well, you can tell me.

Good, I'm dying to tell someone.

Well, there we were in the kitchen, and you were looking for a paper bag.

Well, you had your back to me, so you didn't know that I slipped over to the

door and peeked out.

I could see Mr. Drummond at the safe. He was really scared.

The burglar had his gun on him.

Both the boys were petrified too.

As for the burglar, he may have had a gun, but he was even more scared than

were.

Your father finally got the safe open and handed the burglar a jewelry box

wrapped in a cloth.

Remember when that burglar told us he was allergic to acrylics?

That must have been what the cloth on the jewelry box was made of. And then

everything happened at once. Your father dropped the watch. The burglar tried to

pick it up. Your father tried to kick it out of the way. The gun went off. The

burglar had a terrific sneezing attack and couldn't stop.

And Willis and Arnold tried to get in the act, but they only got in each

way.

Then the burglar went staggering across the room and he sneezed again and hit

his head on the chair and knocked himself silly.

And that's really the way it happened. That's incredible.

I'm afraid the only hero was this little piece of acrylic.

Did you hear that sneeze?

The burglar's back.

He must have gotten away.

Okay.

Collect ourselves.

Come on.

in the kitchen anyway.

I was making the sandwich. I was hungry. I came down the back stairs.

Gosh, we heard you sneezing. We thought the burglar came back.

Oh, no. The reason I was sneezing is because I put too much pepper on his

sandwich.

You scared us half to death.

Well, you guys relax.

There's nothing to fear when Captain Karate is here.

Different scrolls and things.