Original subtitles

now she was that's right but she soon came to realize that i loved her as much

as i always had we all love you as much as we ever did as far as we're

concerned there'll never be another one like you honest

honest hey

you guys are

Dad, I didn't think you were going to check the schoolyard.

Arnold, you had me worried about you. Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I just want you to know that I'm not upset anymore about you being

and ignoring my feelings.

Don't worry, Arnold. You always know you'll be my number one little bro.

Well, let's split, Dad. Split? I already did that when I came over the fence.

Now that I understand about big brothers, Can I be a big brother to

needs it, too? Why, sure you can, as soon as you're old enough.

Oh, I can't wait that long.

Why? Do you have someone in mind?

I sure do.

Hey, Mr.

Happy Wanderer!

Yeah, pal?

I would like for you to meet my family.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Just one drum. What might be right for you?

May not be right with love.

One man is born.

He's a man of means.

Then along come two.

They got nothing but the genes.

But they got different strokes. They, different strokes.

They, different strokes.

that you got. Not a lot.

So what? Don't have theirs.

You'll have yours and I'll have mine.

And together we'll be fine. It takes different strokes to move the world. It

doesn't take different strokes to move the world.

Slam dunk.

Hey, deadly old bean.

Let's do some baskets.

How about we get my walkie -talkies and play Adam 12?

One Adam 12, one Adam 12, nude sunbathers spotted in Times Square.

I don't think so.

Hey, Dudley.

Those are two great ideas.

What's eating you anyway?

I'm miserable.

I can't sleep. I can't eat. I got butterflies in my stomach.

Have you tried milk with magnesium?

Nothing can help me.

I'm in love.

Oh, you poor sucker.

Who are you in love with?

Lisa. Lisa?

She's the smartest girl in our class.

So? So, smart girls are trouble. A guy should get a girl as dumb as he is so

they'll have something in common.

Thanks a lot.

Anyway, she doesn't even know about this yet. You didn't tell her?

I can.

Every time I try to talk to her, I get the sweats. And my tongue rolls over and

plays dead.

Here she comes.

You better wake up that dead tongue of yours.

Hi, Arnold.

Hello, Lisa.

Hello, Dudley.

What's he trying to say, Arnold?

Uh, he just had a tooth pulled.

Your mouth is numb, right, Dudley?

Just quick thinking, Arnold. Thanks.

No sweat.

How am I going to make Lisa love me if I can't talk?

She's got me crazy.

I actually look forward to going to school just so I can see her.

Love has seriously softened your brain.

You've got to help me, Arnold. I'm in pain.

Okay, I'll try and think of something.

Thanks, Arnold. You're a real pal.

Yeah. But if this works out, Dudley, and someday you and Lisa get married and

have a station wagon full of kids and live in a big house with payments you

can't afford, don't come crying to me.

Hello, Arnold.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Dad. Yeah.

Listen, I've got a problem.

Do you know anything about women?

Well, when I was younger, I was sure I didn't. Later on, I thought I did.

But now I'm older and I've lived a little, I'm positive I don't.

You must have had some experience.

How do you get a girl to like you?

I don't know.

Volumes have been written on that.

All of them wrong.

Is there some young lady whose heart you'd like to win?

No.

I'm not the fool.

Well,

why didn't you just tell the girl how he feels about her?

That's the whole problem, Dad. When he gets around her, he goes, That does

lack a certain savoir -faire.

Dad, tell me what I can do to help Dudley so I can say something nice to

guess the greatest example of a smooth -talking lover was Cyrano de Bergerac.

Was he anything like Burt Riddles?

Sort of.

Burt's better looking.

See, Cyrano had quite a nose, a really big honker.

A magnificent character in a famous old French play.

Cyrano had this handsome young friend who was madly in love with a beautiful

woman named Roxanne.

But he was hopelessly inarticulate like Dudley.

Every time he got near Roxanne, he said, So what did he do?

I'm glad you asked that. He got Cyrano to write beautiful poetic letters to

Roxanne. It was just dynamite stuff for its day, and it won the lady's heart.

What was that in those letters?

Well, let's check it out. I got it in the library. I'll get it for you. It's a

marvelous play. It's a classic.

Oh, great.

Thanks, Dad.

Just a reminder, gang, tonight's laundry night.

Leave it in a neat pile, button your buttons, and zip your zippers. And

be sure to empty your pockets. Last time you left a candy bar in them, the

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Hi, Pearl. Hi, Arnold. Oh, listen, Arnold. After I change my clothes, you

to shoot some baskets with me?

No, I can't. Dad's about to teach me how to turn on a woman.

How to turn on a woman? This I gotta hear.

Arnold, if that's what you wanted to know, you don't go to Dad.

You go to the master, Mr. Honeymouth.

Hey, listen to this.

This Arnold really had a way with words. Get this.

She is, with no effort on her part, A mortal danger to every man's heart.

See her smile.

See perfection.

See her hand make one little gesture and you will understand the meaning of

grace. Venus mounting her shell or Diana wending through woodlands in flower.

I may swoon.

I may throw up.

Dad, that is the corniest junk I ever heard.

Dad!

Dudley has a serious problem here.

Do you think that kind of stuff could help?

Well, it sure did with Cyrano.

That's the sort of talk that could turn on any woman's electric blanket.

Dad, can I borrow that book?

Oh, sure, but be careful how you use it. It's powerful stuff.

Good.

Don't make me. I can't go out to dinner with this mother. You can tell he's

frustrated. His jaw is clenched.

I just want to choke the out of him.

College Hill, Atlanta, tonight at 10.

Thanks,

have a nice day.

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Tell me you lonely fuck.

Huh? I solved your problem, and the solution is right here. What is it? A

romantic note full of sweet nothings.

I don't need nothings. I need something.

That's what you thought.

I copied this right out of a French play, and I don't have to tell you that

French plays are hot stuff.

Well, let me see. Sure.

Uh -oh, here comes Lisa. What do I do? Give her the note. It will take care of

everything. Hi, guys.

Hello, Lisa.

And who's this book?

For me? What is it?

It's a romantic note from Dudley. Read it.

By Dudley.

This is beautiful.

I never knew you were so poetic.

He's got poetic oozing out of every pore.

It just won't. out of his mouth.

You really express yourself beautifully, Dudley. And the answer is yes.

I'll see you then, you romantic little devil.

That means she's having lunch with you at recess tomorrow.

But what if she asks me a question?

I can't even talk to her.

That's why I made it lunch, so you can keep your mouth full of food all the

time.

Arnold, I can't be alone with her. You gotta come with me. Okay, Dudley, I'll

try and help you one more time.

But if there's any kissing involved, you're on your own.

Is everything set, Arnold?

Are you sure this is gonna work?

Arnold, can you hear me?

Arnold, come in!

Arnold!

Please, come in, Arnold!

Dudley, you can't hear me unless this is in your ear.

Oh, I'm so nervous I forgot.

Well, don't be nervous. Everything's going to be fine.

Keep the walkie -talkie in your pocket and keep the earpiece in your ear so you

can hear me tell you what to say.

You're a good friend, Arnold.

I know.

Just remember, Keep Lisa on this side of you so she doesn't see the earpiece.

Got it? Got it.

And if she wants to blow on your ear, make sure it's the right ear.

Okay. I better get lost.

Good luck.

Dudley!

Answer her.

What do I say?

Over here, dummy. Over here, dummy.

Hi.

What did you call me?

Tell her you said yummy or mummy or anything.

I called you a yummy mummy.

You're kind of cute yourself.

My.

This is a nice place you've chosen.

What are you doing, Dudley?

Uh, what am I doing?

You're admiring her beauty from every angle.

I'm admiring your beauty from every angle.

Oh, thank you.

Why don't you sit right here?

I can't sit there. I mean, uh... Oh, I'll bet you're just shy.

Come on, sit down.

Okay.

Dudley, you're so physical.

Why don't you just sit there?

Make some conversation.

Ask her to have a sandwich.

Sandwich?

Not like that. Say it nicer.

My sandwich?

Thank you.

Dudley, you... much more poetic in that note than you are in person.

Why don't you close your eyes and recite some of the beautiful things you

already wrote?

Okay, Dudley.

Here we go.

The more you steal my heart away, the more you steal my heart away, the more

grows. The more it grows.

Lend me your heart, for you have mine.

Lend me your heart, for you have mine.

And heartless, I cannot well define this heartache, lady.

And heartless, I cannot well define this heartache, lady.

Oh, Dudley, you're too much.

Dudley, you have a hearing problem.

What?

My whole heart speaks, and thus it sighs.

These words are kisses.

Got that, Dudley?

Do you read me, Dudley?

Dudley, answer me.

Someone's in that bush.

What bush?

If this is love, then love is life.

If this great gift is love, it's taking the drip of your sweet laughter,

trailing away.

What are you doing in the bushes?

Oh, just the usual things a guy does in the bushes.

Wait a minute.

I get it.

You're the one telling him all those things to say to me, aren't you?

Well, I... No. You're the one with the poetic soul, not Dudley.

Oh, he has one, too. He's just keeping it under wraps.

Then if you're the one who says all those beautiful things, then I don't

Dudley at all.

I guess I love you.

What you talking about, Lisa?

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Boy,

am I glad to be home.

There's something wrong, Arnold.

You know Lisa?

She tailed me after school today.

Tracked me down in the streets of New York like a hunted animal.

I finally gave her the slip when I ducked behind the plastic chicken at

Sanders.

Have I missed a chapter here?

I thought Lisa was Dudley's girlfriend.

She was.

But when she found out I was telling Dudley all those romantic things to say,

she fell in love with me. Now Dudley won't even speak to me. But how do I get

Lisa off my back?

Well, how about telling her the truth? That you just copied those words from an

old play and you're about as poetic as Daffy Duck.

Let's not go that far.

That's very rude to shut the door in someone's face.

That someone is Lisa, the long -distance runner.

Now, listen.

This might be a very good time for you to tell Lisa the truth. Now, you go and

run after her and catch her and tell her you're sorry.

Yes, Dad.

Oh, you're still here.

Sorry, Lisa, the door slipped out of my hand.

That's okay.

Arnold. Ask Lisa to come in.

You don't want to come in, do you?

I'd love to.

Hello, Lisa. I'm Arnold's father.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

I keep thinking about you and your beautiful poetry.

I want to get to know you better. Arnold, why don't you offer Lisa a nice

drink?

Dad, I don't want her to stay that long.

Will you just do what I'm telling you to?

Okay.

Would you like a nice, short, fast, cold drink?

Oh, how nice of you to offer.

Follow me.

You're a real gentleman, Arnold.

Thank you.

Hi, Mr. Drummond. Hello, Dudley.

back to him. Oh, thank you.

We had a fight and I was pretty mad, but then I got tired of hating his guts.

Well, I'm sure that'll make Arnold's guts very happy.

I'll tell him you're here.

Arnold, would you come in here, please?

What is it, Dad?

Someone is here to see you.

Dudley, what are you doing here?

I'm sure you two guys have something very important to discuss.

You want to be friends again, Arnold? Yeah, I sure do.

I know you didn't mean to steal my girl. Yeah, listen, let's discuss this out in

the hall.

Why in the hall? It's more private out there.

Arnold! It's her!

Dudley, this isn't what it looks like.

It looks like it's worse than what it looks like.

Dudley, I didn't invite her over here.

She's in love with me. The woman can't help herself.

Arnold, you're not my friend. You're a double -dealing, two -timing,

backstabbing...

You, Lisa, you're a finkette.

No, wait.

No, wait. Let me explain. Come back.

Oh, gee whiz.

Don't worry about him, Arnold.

You've got me.

I know. I know.

Why me?

Lisa, I'm going to level with you. You know all that poetry?

Sure. I'll never forget it. I didn't write any of it.

What do you mean?

I can't write poetry.

copied that all out of a book you did yeah so i guess this is goodbye goodbye

it doesn't make any difference you copied out all the beautiful passages

that takes a very sensitive soul it does of

course you don't know how wonderful you are well i've heard people say

things

write something beautiful if you wanted to, Arnold. Deep down inside you,

there's a tortured poet trying to get out.

Well, sometimes during the night, I do hear a rumble down there.

Please, Arnold, write a poem for me.

Okay. I guess I could try.

Oh, thank you. What a man you are, Arnold Jackson.

Hey, what you doing, bro?

Trying to write some poetry for Lisa.

But this is murder.

I keep staring at this blank page, and this blank page keeps staring back at

Well, you wrote something there. Let me see what you got. Wait a minute. It

ain't finished yet.

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. Would you like to share a piece of pizza?

Well, Lionel, that isn't going to make it. You're talking to a guy who knows.

Oh, maybe you're right.

Man, now I know how Dudley felt.

I got all this romantic in me and I don't even know how to say it.

Well, that's because you're using all that old -fashioned jive. Arnold Serena

was a dark ages.

Man, you gotta update it. I mean, get with it. Make it today.

What do you mean, Willis?

Well, you could say something like this to a lady.

Um, look here, little mama.

Your eyes are sending sparkles all over the scene.

And you have raced my motor into high gear.

Now, Arnold, is that romantic?

Yeah, if you're an automobile mechanic.

Well, how about this one?

I dig your style and the way you move because you got a bod that makes me

groove.

I don't know if that one works for Lisa.

She's only 11 and hasn't got much of a bod.

Arnold, you know what I mean. I mean, dig deep into your soul and really feel

it.

Feel it, huh? Right.

Oh, I did it. I turned the poet inside me loose and opened up my soul, and a

poem just came dusting out. Can I read it? Sure.

Just don't go to pieces in front of all the kids.

Well?

I don't know how to tell you this, Arnold.

Just say it, my little rosebud. It stinks.

were just two ships that pass in the night.

Bon voyage, baby!

Arnold,

I couldn't help overhearing that. I just want you to know I'm glad she's out of

the picture so we can be friends again.

Me too, because I make it a rule.

I don't let a woman make a fool out of me once.

And after that, I insist on doing it myself.

Come on, old buddy. I'll let you buy me a soda.

They got nothing but the jeans.

And they got different strokes of tape.

Different strokes of tape.

Different strokes to move the world. Different strokes to move the world.

Yo,

Mal, you gonna let us still go to the same club?

Oh, and you should see this place.

The warehouse is as big as a football field.

Ha! Row after row of...

Ketchup and olives and toilet paper.

And it's all so cheap. We discounted prices every day of the week.

They must be crazy.

Look, man, my dry cleaners is right over there by Sam's Club. You mind dropping

my hats off?

Why do you take your hats all the way across town?

Man, because this dude specializes in the maintenance of rare hats.

He steam cleans them with mountain spring water.

Then he hand -blocks those puppies.

Then he wraps them in rice paper.

No problem, Ed. We'll take your hats.

Hey. Hey, Malcolm.

Senior Executive VP of Food and Beverage Logistics reporting for duty.

Leonard, you're a waiter.

Not in the lesbian chat rooms.

There you go. Eight of my bait.

Eddie, I don't think I've ever seen you wear these hats.

Ah, well, these are my private collection.

Now, this is the hat that started it all.

And this one right here turned it all around for me.

It was the 80s.

I had a long Stoney Jackson jerry curve.

Still can't get to activate a stain, though.

Isn't it like a funny bone?

It's just gonna leave you alone while you're sitting inside your home.