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Don't be too long on the phone now, Willis. Hello,

Charlene. Hey, baby, it's your main man.

Your numero uno, Squeeze City.

It's me, Willis.

Well, listen, Charlene, you're going to flip. I just got the last two tickets to

that Steven Spielberg film festival.

Busy. Well, what's more important than this?

Well, tell your cousin you'll be a bridesmaid at her next wedding.

Yeah, I understand.

Bye.

Man, what a festival she's missing. They're going to show Jaws, Raiders of

Lost Ark, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and E .T. That's not a festival.

It's an orgy.

I'm with Charlene. A wedding is much more exciting.

Are you out of your skull?

I'd rather have my close encounters on a honeymoon.

Well, there's no rush for that.

Well, um, looks like I got an extra ticket here.

I know someone who's available.

I couldn't imagine who that could be.

I'll give you a hint. He's got a loose front tooth, and he will not be a

bridesmaid on Saturday.

Well, I'll think about it, Arnold. Oh, come on, Willis, please.

Take me.

I'm your own flesh and blood.

Where's your pride?

Fortunately, I don't have any.

Willis, take him.

This is not a pretty sight.

Okay, little brother, you got it. You can go.

Oh, thanks, Willis. All right, I'm going, Dad.

I'm going. Will you stop beating around the bush? Are you happy or not?

Man, I can't wait to see all those great movies again.

I can say every line right along with the actors.

No, you'll sit there and behave yourself.

Listen, I'm meeting some of my friends there, and I don't want you getting in

the way.

Don't worry, Willis. I won't get in the way. I promise.

You can even throw a sheet over me and tell your friends I'm E .T.

Hi. Got a problem?

I lost a quarter.

I'll help you find it.

I never take money for favors.

Then would you like a sandwich?

However, I do take food.

Aha!

Here it is.

Thanks. My name's Joey.

Mine's Arnold.

Here's your sandwich.

You sure you don't want it? Uh -huh.

You're passing up roast beef?

You some kind of religious fanatic.

This is really fancy.

Toothpicks with little pink panties.

My mother's cashier at a restaurant.

They make them up for her. I can get you anything you want. You can?

Sure. I'll bring a menu to school.

Joey, this is like the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

I like that.

Ma 'am, this is my lucky day. A free roast beef sandwich.

And my brother told me you're going to take me to see E .T. and Raiders of the

Lost Ark and a whole bunch of other great films.

Wow.

I'd give anything to see those.

Why don't you get somebody to take you?

Well, my mom works all the time.

What about your dad?

My dad's back in California.

You see, they're divorced.

And I don't have any brothers and sisters.

And I don't have any friends because you just moved here.

Well, what do you do for fun?

Anyway, my mom's trying to get me a big brother from the boys' club.

That's a good deal.

Sort of like rent -a -bro.

Yeah, but I have to wait.

Because there's not enough big brothers to go around.

You're lucky, Arnold. I sure wish I had a big brother like you do.

I wish you did, too, Joey.

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Hi, Arnold.

Where's Willis?

Upstairs in your room. Oh, great.

We're here. Oh, this is Joey from school.

Hello, Joey from school.

Hi. Hi, Joey. Our housekeeper just fixed a snack. Are you interested?

I'm hungry. I want to eat my lunch.

What? Well, that wasn't very nice.

Oh, he didn't take it. I gave it to him because I wasn't hungry.

That's Arnold always willing to lend a helping mouth.

Arnold, Arnold, will you let go? I just want you to meet my friend.

Joy, this is my big brother, Willis.

Hi, Willis. How you doing, Joy?

All right, got a good grip there.

I'm tired.

Well,

let's go get that snack, Joey.

You like guacamole?

What's that?

Well, you take an avocado and you give it heartburn. And it does the same to

you.

How do you like him, Willis?

Chill little guy, isn't he?

Yeah, he's okay.

Okay? Just okay?

Admit it, Willis. That face belongs in a box of pudding.

Arnold, what is this special interest you seem to have in Joey?

Well, his folks are divorced, and his mom works all the time. So she signed

up for the Big Brother program so he'd have someone to play with.

Well, he's got you to play with.

Yeah, but there's a lot of good things I can't do with him because I'm too

young. Like what?

Like getting into R -rated movies.

It'd be a tragedy if he missed such a cultural experience.

That's the way I see it.

See, Joey's waiting for a big brother.

So I thought maybe you... could do it.

Hey, that's a very nice thing for you to think of, Arnold.

Oh, I'm too busy. And besides, I've been a big brother ever since the day you

were born. And remember, when Mama was changing your diapers, I'm the guy who

had the duck.

Come on, Willis.

I'm sure you got enough room in your heart to love two other people besides

What two others?

Joey and yourself.

Willis, I'm sure you could find a little time to lend a helping hand to somebody

who really needs it. You know what they say. It always comes back to you.

Look, Dad, even if I could do it, you can't rush into anything like this.

You've got to find the right kid.

Someone with the same interests as I do.

Yeah, but where are you going to find a six -year -old who likes to hit on

teenage girls?

At least give it some thought, Willis.

But, Dad, I've really got too much going, Dad.

Oh, come on, Willis. There's only beef for a couple of days. You ain't got

snack, Kimberly.

Learn from Arnold.

You've heard of the submarine sandwich? Sure.

He invented the destroyer.

Well, I hope it doesn't destroy your dinner.

By the way, don't you think you should call your mother at work and tell her

you're here?

Yeah, I think I better. Okay, come with me. Here's the phone.

It's right there on the desk.

Thank you. Help yourself.

Do you have a phone book?

Oh, sure.

There you are.

Thank you. You're welcome.

That's my kind of kid.

Shorter than me.

Hi, Mom.

I just wanted to tell you Aunt Arnold's house.

Yeah, I've got a friend now.

Is it okay if I play this afternoon?

I can do my chores later.

Yeah, I've got my key.

Thanks, Mom.

Boy, Arnold's got a great dad and a great sister and a big brother who looks

like Magnum P .R. without the mustache.

You hear that, Dad?

Magnum P .I.

Okay, see you at home, Mom.

Bye -bye.

I love you, too, Mommy.

So, um, you think I look like Magnum P .I., huh?

Yeah, you're a good -looking dude with big muscles.

No, Dad, I've been thinking.

Maybe I do have time to be a big brother.

How would you like to become an instant relative?

You mean you?

You got it. Wow, great.

Hey, that's great.

That's my boy, Willis.

Hey, listen, maybe you could get an extra ticket for the Spielberg Festival.

Would you like to see that, Joey? Would I? I've never seen any of those movies.

Oh, Dan, I'm afraid that's impossible to get another ticket.

The only way Joey can go is if I took him instead of Arnold.

Run that by me again.

Gee, I wouldn't want to do that to Arnold.

Oh, I'm sure Arnold wouldn't mind.

That'll be a very nice gesture, Arnold.

And after all, you have seen E .T. eight times. One more time and your finger's

gonna light up.

Arnold, it's no big deal for you. And you're always such a generous, terrific

guy.

Well... Remember, Arnold, you're the one who wanted me to be his big brother.

I know, but... Okay, Joey.

You can go instead of me.

Thanks,

Arnold. You're the... Best friend I ever had.

And also the only one.

Well, dinner fans, I'm offering you a choice tonight for your dining pleasure.

You can have my special succulent rack of lamb, which the Washington Post

a gastronomical triumph, or you can have Ma Goldberg's frozen fish sticks.

Well, there's really no choice. We'll have the fish sticks.

Good. I'll tell the new maid.

Incidentally, I see there's an extra little mouth about the house.

Will it be staying for dinner?

Good thinking, Pearl.

So how about it, Joy? Would you like to stay?

Gee, that would be terrific. Thanks.

If you're having one of my meals, you won't be needing this.

Hey, Joy, we ought to call your mother and see if it's okay.

Oh, I'm sure it's okay.

She's working tonight. In fact, she's working the whole weekend.

Hey, well, how about Joy spending the weekend with us?

Would you like to do that, Joey?

Why?

But I need some other clothes.

Hey, that's no problem.

Arnold will lend you some of his, right, Arnold?

Good idea.

What do you say, Arnold?

You're all ready. We're nice enough to give him the ticket.

Sure. Why don't I throw in my underwear?

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Morning.

I feel great.

I feel like a sardine.

When I heard of Great Thomas F. Festival yesterday, you should have been there.

You're telling me.

I was dreaming about the Pirate Raiders when they found Harrison Ford hanging

over the pit of poisonous snakes.

Don't give me any ideas.

Aloha, little brother.

Hey, Willis. I meant Joey.

Here's the plan for today.

First, we go on a pony ride through the park, and then we grab a couple of hot

dogs and meet some of the other Big Brothers for a game of touch football.

Oh, and I got good news for you, too, Arnold.

Yeah?

You get to stay home and sleep in.

What you talking about, Willis?

See, Arnold, the whole idea of Big Brothers is one -on -one.

You understand?

Sure. If anybody cares, I'm gonna brush my teeth.

That is, if there's any of my toothpaste left.

Hold it, little brother.

Let Joy go first. We're in a hurry. See you after the five minutes. You bet,

Willis. Bye.

Man, that guy can't even get in his own bathroom anymore.

What?

That's one nice thing about being a goldfish, Abraham.

One bowl, no waiting.

Morning, Willis. Morning.

Morning. We were just talking about Joey, and what a pleasure it's been to

him with us. Yeah, too bad he's got to go home tonight.

No, I don't even offer to help him pack.

Pearl, I hope Joey hasn't been too much trouble for you the last couple of days.

Not at all. He's a delight.

He even cleaned up after himself when he made a sandwich yesterday, unlike some

people I could mention.

The only crumbs I left in the kitchen were Willis and Arnold.

I must say, Willis, you really have taken to Joey in a big way.

You're like a kid with a new toy.

Oh, I'm having a ball.

He's a great little guy.

I guess Arnold's really happy about the way things turned out.

Well, it sure has been a lot of fun to have him with us.

And I think it was great of you to be a big brother to him. I really appreciate

that. Good morning, Arnold. Good morning, Arnold.

Where's Joey?

Probably putting a ring around my bathtub.

Not Joey. He'd clean it right up.

How about some pancakes, Arnold?

I'm not hungry.

Not hungry? For my pancakes?

Are you all right? I'm okay.

You can't be sick. It's not a school day.

Maybe I'll eat later.

Excuse me. I got a lot of stuff to do today.

What's with him?

Well, I get the impression that his nose is a little out of joint because of all

the attention we've been giving to Joey.

We're going to have to make that up to him.

Don't worry, kid. I'm not going to mug you.

Just looking for dinner.

Sometimes kids throw away a lot of good food.

Not me.

I'm a human trash can.

And we got a lot in common.

How do you get in the schoolyard on a Sunday? Climb over the fence?

No. I climbed under it.

I go to the school, so I happen to know where all the holes are.

Do you happen to know what time it is?

It's about a quarter to six.

What, do you got to be somewhere?

No. How about you?

Oh, I got to be in Cleveland by March.

Then I'm going to hop a train to Milwaukee.

I travel all over the country like that. The only problem is, sometimes you get

freight lag.

What are you doing out here all alone at this hour?

Well... I was kind of thinking about running away from home.

The way I feel right now, I wish I was dead.

You're in the wrong place for that. Try Central Park.

Where do you live, kid?

Park Avenue.

Park Avenue?

I got some friends who got a great bench over there.

What are you running away for?

Because my family doesn't want me anymore.

I know that feeling.

My family dumped me, too.

But I showed them. I made a total failure out of myself.

What's it like being a bum?

A happy wanderer. Oh, it's terrific.

I got my freedom.

No boss to answer to.

Don't have to worry about fancy clothes or cars.

Out in the open air all the time.

It's a great life.

This is the only part I don't like.

Well, thank you anyway, Dudley.

But listen, if Arnold does show up at your place, please, have him call home

right away.

Okay, thank you.

Well, I'm afraid he's not with any of his friends.

Hey, how you doing? I just took Joey home. Boy, that kid, the dynamo, finally

fell down exhausted.

Poor little guy.

Not him, me.

Is there something wrong?

Well, apparently Arnold has disappeared.

Disappeared? Oh, no.

I guess he's more upset than you thought, huh, Dad?

Yeah.

Look, why don't we all split up and search the neighborhood? He must be

around out there someplace.

You mean you've never seen your folks since you were a kid?

Nope. Don't even remember what they looked like.

Man, I'd sure miss my family.

Then what are you running away for? Do they beat you?

No. They always hug me and kiss me and slobber all over me.

crazy to run away from a family like mine.

Then I don't get it.

Well, I'm running away because my feelings are hurt. You look at a very

sensitive dude here.

Maybe I'll take a subway to Harlem.

Hold it, kid.

You gonna mug me now?

I just want to say, if you decide to hit the road, I wish you luck.

Not everyone turns out as good as me.

See you, kid.

I gotta check the other trash cans.

Later.

Hi there.

Dad! What are you doing here?

Oh, just trying to catch my breath after climbing over that fence.

What's more important is what are you doing here?

Well, it's kind of a halfway house between here and Cleveland.

Cleveland.

Do I get the impression you're thinking of running away?

It did enter my mind.

Well, I think I can understand that.

I guess you feel kind of alienated and left out because of all the attention

we've been paying to Joey. Isn't that right?

Let me put it this way.

I hate him!

so for hating him. But I hate him more than I hate hating myself.

Well, I'll tell you something, Arnold. This sounds familiar.

Kimberly said the same thing about you.

She did?

Remember when you and Willis first came to live with us?

All the love and attention I showered on you, especially you, because you were

the littlest one.

Yeah. Those were the good old days.

Well, Kimberly didn't think so.

Oh, she thought it was a great idea at first.

I remember one day she came rushing into my room, practically in tears, and she

said that you were a little... Well, never mind what she said.

The point is that she was all pushed out of...