Original subtitles

Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for

you may not be right for some.

One man is born, he's a man of need.

Then along come two, they got nothing but the genes. But they got different

strokes to take, different strokes to take.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

I'll get it.

Sophia, come in, come in, come in, come in. Oh, it is just pouring out.

I got caught in the rain. I couldn't get a taxi. Did you know the subway won't

take a personal check?

I didn't know that.

So I did what any honest citizen with no money would do.

What's that?

I crawled... under the turnstile.

That's no big deal. I can do that on my tippy toes.

Philip, I have something very important to talk to you about.

Hi, Uncle Pia.

Daddy's just picking me up tonight.

Who's Jeff?

Who's this Jeff you're so excited about?

Probably some handsome new coyote.

I think you mean Fox.

Does this animal go to high school around here?

Daddy, Jeff is a Yale man.

Yale? That's a college.

Even I know that.

That's real good, Dad. You're really on top of things.

Willis, I meant that a college man is too old for Kimberly.

Just kidding.

Oh, Philip.

Girls mature so much faster.

Remember when we were kids, I used to pretend I was your older sister?

You are my older sister.

I'm sorry I brought it up.

Daddy, Jeff is only 19 and he's a perfect gentleman.

Well, I'd feel better if he was 16 and not so perfect.

I'd like to know a little more about that young man.

Shall I call him back and ask him for his shoe size?

That won't be necessary. We'll look at his feet when he gets here.

Okay. Have a good time and be sure to be home by 12.

12? Daddy, I'm going out with a college man.

Hey, that's right. You better make it 11.

11? Okay, okay, 12.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

Oh, no, I just realized.

I have nothing to wear.

That ought to get his attention.

I have a million things to do. I've got to do my nails and wash my hair and

hair. Honey, I brought the family some vitamins and other health goodies.

Try this shampoo on your hair. It's called Mother Brady's Natural Shampoo. I

knew you were into health foods, but I didn't realize it included shampoo.

Oh, yes.

Shampoo is food for the scalp.

It feeds your follicles.

Good.

Listen to the ingredients.

Water, soybean oil, egg yolk, yeast, and lemon.

Wow. I never fed my hair that well.

these products are wonderful.

Dr. J himself recommended them to me.

Dr. J? The seven -foot basketball star?

No, Dr.

Johansson, the five -foot scientist.

He's the head of our clean air group.

Well, thanks for the shampoo, Aunt Sophia.

Kimberly, you're not going to wash your hair in tap water, are you? What's wrong

with tap water?

You ask that and you call yourself a father.

I do, and tap water had nothing to do with it.

What is wrong with tap water?

Well, it's just loaded with nasty old chemicals.

What's she supposed to do? Send her hair out to be dry -cleaned?

Aunt Sophia, what do you use on your hair?

Bottled water.

But what's even better is rainwater.

It's the purest there is.

Now, you run upstairs, and we'll get you some. Thank you. Aunt Sophia, you're a

wonderful, thoughtful person. Oh, that's true.

Oh, it's just the right size.

Okay, but I need it back for my homework.

Willis, dear, would you take this out on the terrace and see that it gets filled

from God's faucet?

God's faucet?

I wonder who he calls when he needs a plumber.

Hey, maybe rainwater would be good for my goldfish, Abraham.

I think I'll set him out there on the terrace.

Let me look you in the eyes and let you know, baby. The Raheem Devon Experience.

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Hey, hi. Could you take all these in for me, please? All of them? Well, it's the

Boston cream pie and the apple turnovers and the white chocolate strawberries

and the key lime pie.

So you need them let out. No, no, in. Out.

In. Out.

No, in.

You'll play light with 14 delicious flavors at 100 calories.

It only tastes fattening. Out? Okay. I was just outside, and then I came in. So

if you could... It looks like next time I'll have to bring you some more

vitamins. You have plenty of C's and D's, but very few B's and A's. Sounds

Willis' last report card.

Arnold, how would you like a copper -plated nose?

Working hard, Philip?

Yep.

Is it the wrong time to tell you what I started to tell you before I interrupted

myself?

Sophia, I haven't the vaguest idea of what you're talking about. So let me ask

you a question.

What are you talking about?

I am talking about our organization.

It's called GASP.

That stands for Good Air Saves People. It used to be called Save Life on our

planet. But that came out flop.

That's the group that's sponsoring the dinner.

What dinner?

That I told Dr.

Johansson that you would take me to.

It's to raise funds.

To protest air pollution.

When is the dinner? Tonight.

I'm sorry I can't make it, but thanks for giving me plenty of notice.

Come on, Phillip. It's going to be a wonderful evening, and it's only $100 a

plate.

I'm paying just five bucks for eating off the table.

I'm very sorry, Sylvia, but I plan to go to bed.

Curl up with a nice warm bucket.

Oh, but Philip, we need people like you at the dinner. People with intelligence.

People with vision.

People with a hundred bucks.

Right on.

It's such a big problem.

And it's so important that we take care of our air.

Without it, there's not much else to breathe.

Philip, you really should go tonight.

In your lungs, you know I'm right.

All right, if it'll make you feel better, I'll buy the tickets, but I'm

going to go to the dinner.

I'll make out a check for $200.

That's my dad, the fastest pen of ease.

Only two?

Philip, you're loaded.

That's right, and I intend to stay that way.

Has anyone seen my blow dryer? Jeff's going to be here at 7, and I've got to

my hair.

Oh, it's up in my room. I used it yesterday on Abraham.

You used a blow dryer on your goldfish?

Well, he looked kind of bored, so I made waves in his water.

He likes to do the mermaid wiggle.

So do you.

Hey, Kimberly.

What's that green stuff hanging out from under the towel?

What do you mean?

What did you do?

Stick your head in a bowl of spinach?

Very funny, Arnold.

Are you sure you won't change your mind about my curfew tonight?

Honey, what is that green stuff hanging out from underneath your towel?

What's happened to my hair?

Have a nice day.

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Tonight at 1030.

Kimberly, it looks much better.

I've got green hair.

I'll be green forever.

Maybe in the fall it'll turn brown.

Did you put anything else on your hair besides that shampoo that Aunt Sophia

brought you?

Nothing. Well, it looks to me as if you've just got a bad case of Mother

shampoo.

How could you let me use that shampoo?

It couldn't be the shampoo. I read you the ingredients. They're all natural.

Yeah, if you want to grow broccoli.

It's not funny, Willis. What am I going to do?

You can go on That's Incredible.

You're no help.

I don't understand it, Philip. I've been using that shampoo for years.

Well, did your hair turn green?

Of course not. My hair is the same natural color it's always been under

dye job.

Well, it seems obvious to me that it's the shampoo that did it. And I would

appreciate it, Sophia, if you would stop bringing those cockamamie health food

products into this house.

Oh, cockamamie?

Oh,

that's a terrible thing to say about Mother Brady.

A woman who's too dead to defend herself.

Dr. Johansson and have him come over right now. He'll get to the bottom of

We ought to sue him and Mother Brady.

Yeah, we'll crush him. We'll bring that Mother Brady to her knees.

Oh, what good is suing anybody? It's not going to help me tonight.

I'm really sorry, honey. This is just terrible.

It's outrageous to sell adulterated products.

That's what we'll sue him for.

Adultery.

That must be Dr.

Johansson. One moment!

Hello, Sophia.

Oh, Dr.

Johansson, thank you for coming so quickly.

Kimberly, Dr.

Johansson's here to look at your hair.

Won't do any good.

My life's already ruined.

This is my ruined niece, Kimberly.

And this is my brother, Philip.

And my two nephews, Willis and Arnold.

This is Dr.

Johansson. Isn't he cute?

What do you mean, doctor?

As I'm sure you can see, we have a very interesting family here.

Two white, two black, and one green.

Well, now, let's see what we have here.

What do you think, doctor?

It's green all right.

Was it the shampoo?

No. it couldn't be that. The product is perfectly safe. I use it on my own hair.

Well, I have the fluffiest sideburns in town.

Doctor, all that my daughter put on her hair was that shampoo and water.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, she even used rainwater.

Rainwater? Yes, what could be purer than that?

Well, the storm we had today wasn't so pure. It was acid rain.

What are you talking about, Doctor?

That means that the rain had a high acid content.

It's caused by pollution.

You mean acid rain turned my hair green? Tell me, what did you use to collect

the rainwater in?

Arnold's homework.

I need an old bowl that Arnold brought home from school.

May I see it? It may give us a clue.

Sure. I'll get it for you.

Doctor, tell them some more about the terrible things acid rain can do.

Oh, well, it's killing our rivers and lakes.

not to mention corroding buildings and bridges.

In Boston, it peeled the entire outer layer off a statue of Paul Revere.

You mean Paul's standing there naked?

Where does all this acid rain come from? From factories, from automobiles.

And it doesn't make any difference where it originates. The wind blows all that

pollution from one state to another, even up to Canada.

No matter where you go nowadays, you have to chew the air before you can

it.

But we have a Clean Air Act in this country. Yes, but they're trying to

the standards.

Are you all right, Doctor?

It's just an old copper ball.

Copper?

Copper, well, that explains it. It does?

How?

The acid rain had a chemical reaction with the copper, and that's what turned

the hair green.

I don't care what caused it. I've got a date tonight. I'm going to go call my

hairdresser.

Wait, Kimberly, please.

You could really strike a blow against air pollution by coming to our dinner

tonight. Your green hair would really be a great way to dramatize the problem.

out in public looking like Kermit the Frog?

There'll be a lot of influential people there.

Sophia, we could even invite the media to cover it.

That would make a great story.

Oh, yeah, great story.

Freak girl with the green hair, film at 11.

Dr. Johansson, as much as I believe in your cause, this is an awful lot to ask

of Kermit. I mean, Kimberly.

Look, there's no way I'm going to let anybody see me with my hair like this,

especially my date tonight.

Now, if I can't make a beauty parlor appointment, I'll do the next best

I'll kill myself.

Oh, no.

Don't worry, Arnold. She wouldn't really do that.

I'm not worried about her. I'm worried about my goldfish.

I put them out there in that acid rain.

It's too young to get polluted to death.

I think maybe I ought to go to that dinner tonight.

Maybe I ought to learn more about this problem. Possibly I can even help in

way. That's wonderful, Mr. Drummond.

I'm so proud of you, Philip.

Oh, and by the way, just because we're environmentalists, don't think you're in

for a dull evening.

We have entertainment, too.

Oh, really? What?

Three professors get dressed up as chipmunks and sing, don't acid rain on

parade.

Now, honey, it's not that bad.

Yes, it is. I can't get into a beauty parlor anywhere.

I'm going to cancel my date with Jeff.

People just don't care anything about something as important as pollution

it's really driven home to them.

Daddy, you're not asking me to go out looking like this.

Well, I don't want to be the air pollution poster girl.

You know that I would never deliberately try to embarrass you.

Would you do it if you had green hair?

Look, if I had as much hair as you do, I wouldn't care what color it is.

See, it's not just this issue, dear.

See, when you do something for somebody else, it may seem like a sacrifice.

But that's how you build character.

So, come on, what do you say? How about going to the dinner?

Looking like this?

Look, tomorrow you can have your hair dyed or get a wig. You can make a date

with Jeff for another time.

You think it is?

Terrific. Oh, thanks, Dad.

Then you go to the dinner?

No, I'm going to get a wig and go out with Jeff tonight.

Daddy, it's just I've waited months for Jeff to call me, and if I don't go out

with him, he'll never call me again.

Oh, sure.

Daddy, I really want to do the right thing.

I just don't have enough nerve to go through with it.

That's okay, honey.

I understand.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, Dad.

That's for you.

Well, what did you find out at the fish store about Abraham?

Well, they gave him a tail to get him physical, and he's perfectly healthy.

Good. We also found out one other important thing, too.

Oh, what's that?

Abraham's a girl.

and nothing but good old dirty cat water.

Okay, I'm ready.

Does it look all right?

Oh, honey, you could never tell it's a wig.

Just don't let your date park somewhere and run his fingers through your hair.

Better not. Just don't park.

Do you really think I'll get away with this wig?

Oh, no problem. Nowadays, women get by with a lot of things that are fake.

was thinking of eyelashes.

I wasn't.

Daddy, do you really understand about tonight?

Of course I do, honey. You have a good time.

Oh, well, that's probably Jeff. Are you sure this wig looks all right? Is my

dress okay?

Wasn't anybody going to answer the door?

No, no, no. Maybe I better answer it.

No, no, no. Maybe I better not. Yes, I better.

I think this is how they invented the yo -yo.

Hi, Kimberly.

Hi, Jeff. I'm all ready.

You sure are.

Uh, come on in.

This is my family. I told you about my father.

And I'm Sophia. My two brothers, Willis and Arnold. This is Jeff Stewart.

Hello, Jeff. How you doing, Jeff? Nice to meet you, Jeff. What size shoe do you

wear?

Why do you ask that, sir?

My dad has a terrific sense of humor.

Oh.

Yeah.

Boy, you look sensational, Kimberly.

Your hair, it's blonder than I remember it. It's blonder than she remembers it,

too.

Pardon? He means there's more light in here than usual.

Yeah, that's what I meant, all right.

I don't know what it is, Kimberly, but you look different.

More mature.

Wrinkles will do that to you.

Tell me, Jeff, how do you feel about very good, important causes?

Oh, I'm in favor of good causes.

Good, and that's...

Shoe size.

Very funny, sir.

Too bad they're not going to the dinner tonight.

They would have looked so nice on TV together.

What is it?

Something wrong, honey.

Yes, there is. I realize I still need a little work on my character.

Your hair's green.

It's the new rich look. It matches money.

I'll explain to you the cause of this later, Jeff.

I guess you could call it hair pollution.

Right now, I'd like to ask you, how do you feel about going to a fundraising

dinner for clean air?

Are you going looking like that?

Yes, I sure am. Well, good for you.

You've got a lot of courage, honey.

Um, Jeff, if you'd like to cancel our date, I'd really understand.

No, I mean, I want to go with you.

You look kind of funky.

Just don't stand her next to a plant. They might try and water her.

Well, I think I'm going to go take one last look at this hair before I spring

on the world. Excuse me.

Jeff, you're a good sport.

By the way, the dinner's on me tonight.

Thanks, but I always make it a rule to pay my own way. It's $100 a plate.

Of course, every rule has an exception.

No, Jack, you're right. It does look sort of funky. In a, uh, punky sort of

Hey, Dad, can I go, too? I'm into air pollution.

You sure can, Willis. Great, I better get changed.

Can I go?

Air pollution gets down this low, too, you know.

May not be writing songs, a man is born, he's a man of ease.

Then along come two, they got nothing but the genes that they got.

of this one. You recognize it? Sure do. That's the Jelly Roll Club.

That's the club back in the 30s put Kansas City on the jazz map.

That's where Cab Calloway first taught Minnie how to mooch.

See how your eyes lit up? A little jazz, a little history. It's perfect.

My customers won't even notice that I've added 15 % to the price of everything.

As a customer, I'm outraged.

But as your partner, I'm impressed.

Nobody says Kansas City Jazz Heritage and doubles their money with it like you

do, my, my, my. It is a gift.

Isn't it quite funny, Bob?

They're just going to leave you alone while you sleep inside your home.

solid brass.

I want a big mirror right here and antique beer nozzles. I want this bar to

exactly like the bar from the Jelly Roll Club.

You know, it's important that we pay tribute to the cultural history of our

city. Who are you kidding? You're just looking for an excuse to raise your

prices 10%. I'm going for 15.

You think I got a shot?

Hey, Miles, too bad your bar is closed. I got some bad news to deliver to a

customer. It's about his transmission.

He'd take it a whole lot better if he was all licked up.

I won't be closed long.

My man is going to have my dream bar up and pumping in two days.

Squires? Sure.

You rat.

You snake.

You skunk. You what comes out of a skunk?

I still smell better than you.

Man, Squires and I were stationed together in the United States, Nate. You

me wish I wanted to join the Army, any Army. They got an Army in Bangladesh.

Boy, that sounds like a legitimate beef.

But one of the advantages of my bar being closed is I don't have to listen

beef.

It'll just be two days. I'll make sure he stays out of your way, all right? Two

days? Man, that's two days too many, man. Squires is the worst human being

ever was.

The worst there ever was?

Okay, off the top of my head, is he worse than Dracula?

I said human being, but he's dead worse than Dracula, way worse.

Seriously,

what could be worse than sucking blood and eating on people's flesh?

Obviously, you've never been to the Navy, Mal.

Me and Squires, we stationed in San Diego, man, and that's when that big

hit us.

Chuckie, baby, if the U .S. government stocks it, then I can get it. Now,

personally, I don't think you need a twin -engine PT boat to go weekend water

skiing, but if you got the bank, I got the merchandise.

Get back at me.

Hut,

hut, hut, hut.

Left shoulder arms.

Right shoulder arms.

Yeah.

Uh, Sherman, look here, man, why don't you go play with your gun somewhere

I'm trying to run a business here. A business?

You call the illegal trafficking of American goods a business?