Original subtitles

Shall we get started?

I've got so much to tell you about the conference I attended.

I got to meet lots of other support group leaders.

Oh, you must have loved that.

Not really. I detested them all.

Fortunately, there was an anger workshop, so I was able to beat several

over the head and body with a large foam rubber club.

I'll tell you how good that felt.

You don't have to.

Dear John is filmed before a studio audience.

Anyway, the point is, once I'd got all that anger out, I realized I didn't hate

them. I was simply jealous of them because they've all been more successful

I. They've all had lots of people graduate from their groups and move on.

So you blame yourself, is that it?

Yes. Good, I thought you were blaming us.

No, I'm the one who's failed.

I've been unable to help you deal with whatever it is that's keeping you from

having relationships.

Oh, come on, Louise. Everybody in this room has had relationships.

Yes, but none of them have lasted longer than it takes to soft -boil an egg.

But tonight, we're going to do something about that.

I'm going to use one of the techniques I learned at the conference.

to help you make a decisive step toward improving your relationships.

Who would like to go first?

Well, wait a minute. Slow down here. I'm not so sure I want to do this. Yeah,

what kind of technique are we talking about?

It's called creative visualization.

Now, can everybody say that?

Creative visualization.

It's a way to explore...

your imagination in order to deal with some problem. In this case, whatever it

is that's keeping you from having stable, successful relationships.

And I will be your guide on that journey.

Now, who'd like to go first?

Me! Me, me, me! Pick me! Please, please, please, please!

Well, at the risk of disappointing the rest of you, go ahead, Mary Beth.

Oh, thanks.

Lately, I have been so fed up with the guys I go out with.

You know what I'm talking about.

The fancy restaurants, the yachts, the private jets, the weekends in St.

I'm starting to feel like there's something missing.

Well, get over it.

Mary, perhaps you miss a feeling of closeness.

These men pamper you, but do they ever open up to you? Do they ever talk about

their feelings?

No.

Come to think of it, the men I go out with are kind of shallow.

They never talk about their feelings.

But that's what I want. I really do.

Louise, help me.

Guide me.

Close your eyes.

Relax.

Take a couple of deep breaths for me.

I'll take a couple for me.

Now, Mary Beth, I want you to picture yourself someplace where you feel

comfortable and secure. Let's say, Kate's Restaurant.

Now imagine that sitting across from you is a man who can give you exactly

the sort of closeness you've been missing.

Okay, are you folks ready to order?

I'll have the whole main lobster.

Okay. I'll have the tuna melt.

Mary Beth, I have this feeling that I'd like to share with you.

Oh, great.

Fantastic.

That's exactly what I want.

I'm angry at you for ordering the most expensive item on the menu.

Louise, I hate this.

Just give it a try.

I upset you, didn't I?

Well... I know I did.

Oh, boy.

I feel so guilty and insecure, like you're going to reject me, and then I'm

going to feel worthless and all alone, which will make me feel scared. I mean,

really scared. So could you please tell me that you love me and that you'll be

with me always?

Always? I can barely stand you right now.

Really? Yeah. I'm feeling so trapped and hemmed in. I can hardly breathe. It's

like being in jail.

Well, I'm glad you told me your feelings. Now I get a chance to tell you

my feelings. Then you get to tell me yours about mine. Back and forth, back

forth. It's really the only way to get close.

Then I don't want to get close.

Well, thank you for sharing that. I feel closer already.

Okay, here's your food.

Enjoy it. It's your last meal.

Wow, what an incredible experience.

What happened, Mary Beth?

Tell, tell.

Well, I learned that I really like my shallow relationships.

And I confirmed something I always suspected.

I look terrible in straps.

Well, on those inspiring words, shall we move on? How about you, Kirk?

Would you like to go next?

Sure, why not?

Good.

be easy.

Now relax.

Take a couple of deep breaths.

Okay, Louise, now what?

Hey,

Louise, this is my visualization, so I can visualize it any way I want, right?

Yes, Kirk.

Good.

God, Kirk, I've missed you.

Now, Kirk, there must be some event in your past that has influenced the

way you relate to women.

None that I can recall.

Think, Kirk.

Think.

Jenny Clark is here.

Who is she, Clark?

She's the first girl I ever had a major crush on.

Who's the dweeby -looking kid?

Hi, I'm Kirk Morris.

Jenny, I know you don't know me very well, so I want to tell you the kind of

I am.

I'm not very good at sports.

I don't get good grades.

I'm not very popular.

And I'm so scared right now I could wet my pants.

Will you be my girlfriend?

Hey, me?

Yeah, you. Come here.

Trust me, kid. You are better off.

What's so special about Jenny Clark, anyway?

Especially after what she did to us.

Hey, what are you doing? Hey, come on.

Don't cry.

Yeah, go ahead and leave, Jenny. But I happen to know that you're going to be

divorced and working in a photo map by the time you're 22.

Come on. What are you doing?

Hey, don't cry.

It's embarrassing.

Yeah.

Come on.

I'm such a loser.

Hey, I am no loser.

I hate being laughed at.

I'm never going to be honest with a girl again.

Boy, life stinks.

Yeah, it sure does.

Not for you.

Your life is going to be great.

Yeah, you're going to be a war hero.

You're going to play in celebrity golf tournaments.

And you see that babe over there?

You are going to be the man of her dreams.

You're right.

She sure is built better than Jenny Clark.

It's my boy.

Hey, watch it with the hair.

Ben, would you even give it a try?

Don't you trust me?

Sure, but when it comes to my own mind, I don't turn the controls over to

anyone. I remember once I let myself get hypnotized. That was enough.

What happened?

Well, one of the guys at a bachelor party gave me a post -hypnotic

that every time I said my name... I also said, I'm an insatiable jungle beast.

And we went to a bar. And I made sure I met lots of women.

Hi, I'm Ben.

I'm an insatiable jungle beast.

Hi, I'm Ben.

I'm an insatiable jungle beast.

Oh, my God. That must have been so embarrassing.

No. Turned out to be my all -time best pickup line.

Let's see who's next.

Honey, you're an adventurous sort.

Isn't there a relationship problem you'd like to explore?

Yeah, but it just seems so unsolvable.

You see, when I'm on my own, I'm a perfectly normal human being.

But as soon as I'm with a man, I go through this complete transformation.

I'll do anything not to lose him. I'll sacrifice my own needs.

I'll let him have his way about everything.

I'll go overboard trying to please him.

Annie? I want you to see what it's like to stand up for yourself in a

relationship.

Just close your eyes.

Take a couple of deep breaths.

And imagine yourself sitting with the sort of man you usually go out with.

Relax.

Listen.

He's playing our song.

I know.

I requested it.

Rob, that's so romantic.

I have another request, too.

Will you sing for me, Annie?

I don't know.

Please? It would mean so much to me. I really couldn't.

A flat, please.

And now, a very special song for a very special guy.

What are you doing?

Oh, come on. You know the rules of the game. If Rob doesn't like your song, he

bangs the gong and walks out and you spend the rest of your life all alone

completely miserable forever and ever.

Hit it.

You'd be so nice to come home to.

You'd be so nice by the fire.

Annie, what's happening?

Shh.

While the breeze on high sang along.

You're doing it again, letting the man have all the power in your relationship.

I am, aren't I?

Well, not anymore.

Give me that.

Annie, you're not playing fair.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm tired of trying to please you, and I am tired of being afraid.

The rules of this game have just changed.

From now on, you don't gong me. I gong you.

Now, get out.

Leave. Disappear. And don't you come back.

Louise, I did it. I threw the bum out.

Congratulations, dear.

Ladies and gentlemen, following her limited engagement here at Kate's Place,

featured singer, Miss Annie Marino, will be spending the rest of her life all

alone and completely miserable.

Thank you.

Louise, what have I done?

I'm going to be all alone for the rest of my life. rest of my life. Oh, Tosh,

throwing that man out, you've made room in your life for a man who truly

deserves you. In fact, your ideal man may be walking through the door at this

very moment.

Honey!

Louise,

I hate this. I will never do it again, and don't ask me what happened because

I'm not telling you.

Would you like to go next?

Louise, my only problem is that I haven't found the right woman yet.

That's my only problem.

Well, aren't you the lucky man, John, with only one problem? Most of us have

more than one, but not you. You only have the one.

Now, if you'll please close your eyes.

Louise. Oh, close your eyes.

Thank you.

Now, relax.

Now, John.

I want you to pick someone to act as your inner guide.

Someone who knows a lot about relationships and whose opinion you

Well, I don't know.

I can't think of anybody.

Except... No, that's crazy.

John, I'd like you to meet William Shakespeare.

It can't be.

Is this really you?

Well, was Hamlet a wuss?

Well, enjoy your meal, gentlemen.

Kate, Bonnie Kate, shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Thou art more lovely and more temperate.

Oh, my, you do have a way with words.

Women love that crap.

What can I do for you?

Well, since you asked, would you mind reading one of my poems?

Oh, great, another writer.

Yeah, all right. Hand it over.

Thank you.

Now, it's an early draft, so I guess it's a bit more... Yes, yes, yes.

Oh.

Don't.

This poem is a work of genius, the imagery.

The intensity, the pure lyricism.

It's far better than anything I've ever written.

You've got to be kidding.

Of course I am. It's your fantasy.

So, aren't I here to help you with some sort of relationship thing? Oh, yeah, I

guess.

You see, my only problem is that I just haven't found the right woman yet.

That's my only problem.

Your only problem.

Ooh, lucky man.

Most people have more than one, but not you. You have only the one.

Here you go, John.

Now, this should help you find your ideal woman.

I strongly recommend the brunette.

Oh, okay.

I'll have the brunette.

And, uh, let's see.

I'd like her to be, um, affectionate.

Athletic and intelligent.

Very good. And laughs at my jokes. I definitely want that.

And you, sir?

I'll have the mutton.

What now?

What? Oh, oh, oh.

Go on. Go on.

Well, here goes.

I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to have you near.

Well, that certainly was an affectionate greeting.

Thank you.

Shall we?

Sure.

Yep, athletic, too.

Oh, you let me win, didn't you?

Yeah. Intelligent, too.

That's my jokes.

Yes, I'd say you definitely are the sort of a woman I'm looking for.

Oh, I'm so glad to hear that, John, because...

My feelings for you are getting pretty serious.

Serious? I never want to see you again.

I'm sorry.

I can't believe I said that. Why did I just say that?

Because you're afraid of getting hurt.

So whenever a relationship starts getting serious, you find a way to wreck

But it can't be. I'm not like that.

Listen, I'm really sorry about what I said before. I really didn't mean it.

Oh, I'm so glad.

Because I think it's time we commit to each other.

Commit? You and me?

Get real.

Bye, John. Please, don't go. I really, really, really need you.

You do?

Yeah.

That's great.

I think we should spend our lives together.

Are you still here?

Beat it. Scram. Get out of here.

Maybe you're right.

I am afraid of a serious relationship. No, John. Cheer up. You'll stop

sabotaging your relationships as soon as you're ready for one. When will that

be?

A non?

A non.

What do you mean, a non?

A week? A month? A year?

What the hell does a non mean?

You're the English teacher. You tell me.

Well, John, was it everything I said it would be?

Did you say it would be deeply depressing and totally humiliating?

No, no, Peter.

Personal growth activity can stir things up at first, but you'll feel better in

the long run.

Still, let's do something about the short run, shall we? Now, clue... No!

Please, just this once, you'll feel better, I promise.

Thank you.

I want you to pick...

Tonight, Sinclair's role in a play requires more than she'd expected to

Will she bear all for the good of the show? Find out on Living Single at its

time tonight at 8, followed by Martin at 8 .30 here on Fox 29.